My son is not mine

LegacyUser

Long time boardsie but going unreg for this.

I'll try to keep it as short as possible, if I leave anything out or clarification is needed do ask & I appreciate any help you guys have.

So I met my now wife nearly 20 years ago. She became pregnant with our son not long after we met (we were about a month into our relationship when she discovered she was pregnant). Now this came as a bit of a surprise because we did not as of this time have full intercourse (don't want to get too graphic but hand jobs, rubbing genitals together). With a bit of internet research, I discovered that this kind of behavior can result in pregnancy so no problems there. When it came to the 12 week scan, I was flicking through my wife's case folder and noticed that it had a date of conception or fertilization date (I don't remember the term) that was BEFORE we met.

As you can expect we had quite a conversation about this. She told me that there was no possibility that anyone but myself could be the father. She did have casual boyfriends before she met me but she promised that the last time she was with anyone in a way that could result in pregnancy was a couple of months before we met. We spoke about this for a couple of weeks, she wasn't to communicative though. All of this was then forgotten about and our amazing son was born. There were a few medical complications after the birth with my wife but all in all the pregnancy was fine.

When my son was about 6 months old we decided to find a flat and we began renting in our town, it was wonderful for a few months but then my wife began to change. She was constantly in a terrible mood, did not communicate and generally treated me like crap & there was little or no sex. I tried to help, tried to find out what was wrong, I thought she had postnatal depression, she did not want to seek help. This situation continued for a year until I finally had enough. I decided I was going to leave. It took quite a bit of courage and building up confidence to leave and during the build up I think she sensed what was coming and things started to improve but it was too late for me. We broke up. The breakup was extremely harsh on me, her family blamed me for everything, questioning my manhood, threatening me. It was awful.

We managed to remain friends and we raised our son as a team despite not being a couple. Everything was grand considering. We discussed on and off what had happened but never really got to the bottom of it. After a few years, feelings started coming back and we got back together and eventually married. We bought a house right around the corner from her mums and near enough to my parents and all was grand for a couple of years. Then she started to change, the moods came back and the sex life plummeted although things were not as bad as the first time. Eventually though I decided I could not go on but because we were now married I felt I could not get away.

It was around this time & out of nowhere an ad popped up on my computer screen for a home DNA test. I did not know such a thing existed and all of a sudden my mind went back to the time of the 12 week scan. Could this be the reason she is not right with me, does she have some dark secret that she cannot handle. Does she suspect someone else might be the father? It would certainly explain some things. I thought and thought about doing a home dna test but felt incredible guilt. My little lad is my world, I didn't want to do anything behind his back & to be honest it doesn't bother me if I am biologically his dad or not, I am his dad no matter what.

Eventually I decided to do it just to eliminate the thoughts from my head. I was 99.999% sure the test would say I was the father. When the results arrived in my inbox, I did not hesitate to open them, expecting to feel very guilty for even questioning paternity. But the result was that I was "excluded" as the biological father ie. I am not biologically related to my son. I spent months mulling over this. Was there a mistake at the lab? Surly this could not be true! My wife is not a liar and if she is, she is VERY, VERY good at it.

I managed to convince myself that there was some mistake at the lab and life continued on, myself and the wife getting on but not 100% happy by a long shot. As far as my little lad (now my little man!) is concerned, nothing changed, he is my world and nothing will ever change that.

Roll on to recent times and she has for the first time started to question whether we should stay together, things are just not that great. It is starting to look like we're gonna split. I decided a few weeks ago to do another test, just to confirm the result. I done another test, this time feeling even more guilty. The results were the same, I am now convinced that I am not the biological father of my son.

And now to my dilemmas:

Is it possible that my wife does not know what I know? Has she convinced herself that only I could be the father? Is part of her suspicious and is that the root of our problems? I often wonder did she notice a likeness to a previous boyfriend in my son and it shattered her world.

Do I have a duty to inform my son (he is now 19 years old and in college)? I would be more on the side of believing he should know. There are also other people to consider. Does the biological father know? Does my lad have half brothers and sisters.

Do I have a duty to inform my wife of what I know?

Should the biological father know?

Thanks for reading & sorry about the length. May I also end by saying that it looks like I blame my wife for everything here but I am no saint either. I do love her & want things to work out. I just need answers.

tldr - I am not the biological father of my son and I don't know whether my wife even knows herself.

Conflats

Sorry to hear your story

From personal experience of my biological father wanting nothing to do with me (and I am 27 now) it takes more than blood to be a father. My mother married a wonderful man who treated me as his own from the moment they were married, I have 2 brothers and I don't call them half brothers because it's more than blood.

You have a a son and he should be told but make it clear your still the man who helped raise him.

First thing you need to do is talk calmly to your wife and outline why you got the DNA test and your gut feeling.

splinter65

Your wife 100% knows and has always known that you are not this mans biological father and she knows 100% who the biological father is.
The first thing you need to do is calmly and privately tell her that you have done 2 DNA tests and that you know the truth. You can tell her that you always had a niggling doubt in the back of your mind.
It’s important that you stress 2 things. First you are not angry with her and that you would do it all over again and secondly that you don’t feel any different about your son.
Once you’ve done that then you can tell your son.
No more secrets and no more lies.

Agree with the above, your wife knows for sure who the biological father of her son is.
It is a pity this didn't come out years ago, because ye could have got over it.
But I do think your son 100% deserves to know. Just talk to your wife first.....

vectorvictor

Op, your post was a difficult one to read. Firstly , I am sure you realise the difference between between fathering a child and being a Dad.

You know the truth now. It is for you and you only to decide how you approach that with the mother and child and if you want to

I honestly think if I was in the position after this amount of time that I would give strong consideration to weighing up the pros of dealing with it with the negatives of doing so.

I have nothing of huge value to add other than that I hope you remember the huge value of the role you have played versus the mundane act required to be a biological Dad.

Good luck op and I don't want to sound like a do-gooder but there are resources out there. Talking is a great way of hearing yourself.

Wesser

That's a very bizarre story. How did you obtain the DNA sample fro m.your son without him knowing? How did the lab agree to.process the result without mother's signature to give consent for testing?

Wesser

Wesser wrote: »

That's a very bizarre story. How did you obtain the DNA sample fro m.your son without him knowing? How did the lab agree to.process the result without mother's signature to give consent for testing?

Can be done online very easily. A friend of mine had a son with a one night stand, & was always dubious , both families loves the child, first grandchild both sides. But he just sent off the 2 samples, very easy to get, turned out he wasn't the father.
Thankfully the child was still a baby

vectorvictor

Wesser wrote: »

That's a very bizarre story. How did you obtain the DNA sample fro m.your son without him knowing? How did the lab agree to.process the result without mother's signature to give consent for testing?

No consent needed
A hair or swab is easy to obtain

The labs would be out of business if mammy needed to consent!

khaldrogo

OP - you are a very naive man.

Best of luck with your life.

vectorvictor

khaldrogo wrote: »

OP - you are a very naïve man.

Best of luck with your life.

I would say he is a damn lot further in the process of being a man than someone with that altitude.

Were you distracted long from playing computer games to submit that valuable contribution to someone's problem?

MissShihTzu

This is a very difficult situation, and I do feel very sorry for the OP.

But I have to ask. How reliable were those tests? Are the labs you sent them to reliable? Are they accredited to the legal system? Anything could have happened to the samples, they can be easily contaminated. That is why in cases where paternity might be disputed, the court/social services administer the test where all parties have the samples taken in the same conditions. That ensures the samples are taken correctly and tested properly.

I would speak to your wife again. Be calm, tell her what you have told us, and ask if the test can be conducted again properly. It would at least set your mind at rest, if nothing else. I would not speak to your son yet until you've had the talk with your wife.

Whatever the test might or might not say, you're still the boy's father. Any male of the species can make a baby, but it takes a man to raise one. Don't forget that!

I wish you luck and peace, OP.

khaldrogo

19 years ago the man believed that he got a woman pregnant despite not ever having had sex with her. Naive.

Have you some personal problem with me?

fima

I am so sorry about this happening to you OP and also your son. Does he know what’s going on? I ask because I think it’s important he is involved and consulted in such a divisive issue regarding his biological history.

Big Bag of Chips

vectorvictor and khaldrogo, Personal Issues is an advice forum, and posters are expected to offer mature constructive advice to the OP when posting. Taking pot shots at each other is not tolerated here. It's off-topic at best, uncivil at worst. Please read the Forum Charter before posting in Personal Issues/Relationship Issues again.

Thanks,
Big Bag of Chips.

MissShihTzu

fima wrote: »

I am so sorry about this happening to you OP and also your son. Does he know what’s going on? I ask because I think it’s important he is involved and consulted in such a divisive issue regarding his biological history.

He should be. But not yet. IMO, the OP needs to speak with his wife first. That is the most important thing. They need to work as a team on this for the sake of the son, putting their personal issues aside. I also think the OP should ask for a proper DNA test taken by an accredited lab (not someone from the 'net) which will settle matters once and for all.

vectorvictor

fima wrote: »

I am so sorry about this happening to you OP and also your son. Does he know what’s going on? I ask because I think it’s important he is involved and consulted in such a divisive issue regarding his biological history.

The reference to biological history does raise something I never considered in my original response and is very valid.

I'm sure plenty of us have been asked about family history of x,y and z whilst at doctors.

Would the op be liable for not telling his son that he is not the father causing his son to give inaccurate family medical history?

MissShihTzu

Liable for what? This would be down to the mother. IF the boy is indeed proven not to be the OP's son. He needs to make certain first.

vectorvictor

MissShihTzu wrote: »

Liable for what? This would be down to the mother. IF the boy is indeed proven not to be the OP's son. He needs to make certain first.

As in no my Dad has no history of (insert complaint)

Dad hasn't told him he's not father
Mum doesn't know (assuming)

Agree with making certain

NinetyTwoTeam

vectorvictor wrote: »

As in no my Dad has no history of (insert complaint)

Dad hasn't told him he's not father
Mum doesn't know (assuming)

Agree with making certain

you're reaching with this whole liable thing ffs

the boy is 19. you're not going to the doctor with worries about inherited dangers due to family history at that age.

i feel bad OP, and I would tell your son. he should know the truth especially considering you and his mother broke up. he should know that you stepped up and did what you thought was right despite major doubts about being the father, and that his mother knows who his real father is and never told him and let him think it was someone else. I would want to know, because it can be tough for kids of divorce who want to know what caused it when the truth is being hidden.

this lady tricked you and her son and the truth needs to come out now.

vectorvictor

NinetyTwoTeam wrote: »

you're reaching with this whole liable thing ffs

the boy is 19. you're not going to the doctor with worries about inherited dangers due to family history at that age.

Perhaps. You will see from my initial posts that I am very sympathetic to the op's situation.

It was simply a question replying to the biological input by another poster.

I disagree that 19 is too young to need to know family medical history but perhaps this thread is the wrong place and timing for that discussion for which I apologise

Wesser

I think you should have obtained your sons permission before doing a DNA test on him. Age 19. To do so is immoral and probably illegal.

Salthillprom

I think your son needs to know from a medical point or view. There are lots of genetic diseases that people need to know about to get tested. My own husband has Haemochromatosis for example and he only got tested for it because another family member found out he had it! Similarly, I’ve to get my children tested at some stage for it because of the family links. There are other more serious ailments and the only way that people get tested is when they know that someone in their family has it. So I think your son needs to know for this reason.

I think your wife either knows or strongly suspects you aren’t the father and yes, this secret could eat a person up and cause them to become unbearable to live with.

You must sit her down and have a chat about this.

Good luck. Not easy.

LegacyUser

Wesser wrote: »

I think you should have obtained your sons permission before doing a DNA test on him. Age 19. To do so is immoral and probably illegal.

OP here

Both tests were done when he was under 18. One was done when he was 7 and the other when he was just about to turn 18. No laws were broken, everything was above board. It was a very difficult thing to do, believe me I thought about it for a long time. I felt like I was going behind his and my wife's back.

JustAThought

OP it sounds like you've had a long and tricky emotional road. I love the bit where you say it wont make a difference to how you feel about your son whom you clearly love.

Regarding your dilema - who would it hurt most to tell - who would be devestated and have everything turned upsidedown by this news. Most probably your son. What could happen - him hate your wife, bitterness, turnoil and hurt. What would you or he gain from it? Hunting for stranger from 20 years ago?Letting a middle aged man into your life whose reaction or rejection or denial could damage or hurt your son even more. That man may have a family and not want them to know . He may be dead. Or in prison. Or long emigrated. Your wife may have been innocent or afraid 20 years ago- or calculating - either way it is your son that will suffer with this news. If she knows there is a doubt then she nay have had her suspicions all along. Doctors are OfTEN wrong with dates. As can cycles be out of kilter.
I have heard of those dna test kits being inaccurate or having inaccurate readings but I dont know. You could try again with a different company and different lab before finalising your own thoughts of non biological relationships being so firmly stuck in your head - for something this big I would want to be 150% POSITIVE.

And then? Personally I might let it go - you love him, you spent your life bringing him up and looking after his every need and giving him a strong solid loving foundation for life and family. Why ruin all that for revenge on your wife who is possibly going to go her own way anyway? Your son might resent you for using this information against his mother or for the upset,denials and emotional recriminations that might follow. You might end up losing far more than you want in this.

Regarding DNA ads popping up in your computer - do.you share one with your wife? Have you been reading up on them? Has she?because we all know that google uses tracking algorithms to post ads to your account that relate to what you have been reading or for searching for online.

LegacyUser

Wesser wrote: »

That's a very bizarre story. How did you obtain the DNA sample fro m.your son without him knowing? How did the lab agree to.process the result without mother's signature to give consent for testing?

OP here

Only the signature of 1 legal guardian is required. Everything I done was above board legally. Oral swab was used in the first test, I would rather not specify how the second test's samples were obtained but there is plenty of information online should you wish to find info on that subject.

LegacyUser

khaldrogo wrote: »

OP - you are a very naive man.

Best of luck with your life.

OP here

Thanks for taking the time to read my problem. I understand where you are coming from. At the time I did ask many questions and done some research into how conception could have happened sans full intercourse. It does occasionally happen under such circumstances. Looking back over the years I admit I was somewhat naive.

LegacyUser

JustAThought wrote: »

Regarding DNA ads popping up in your computer - do.you share one with your wife? Have you been reading up on them? Has she?because we all know that google uses tracking algorithms to post ads to your account that relate to what you have been reading or for searching for online.

OP here

Thanks for your post. I actually have no idea how such an ad popped up. It was literally the first time I had ever heard of such a test. It would have been a random advertisement. No we do not share computers, she loves her MAC & I hate it!!

TheBoyConor

To be fair op, you have always known from closer to day one that you were probably not the boy's father. You just choose to ignore the likelihood and convince yourself otherwise.

It's a crappy situation now so I sympathize with that.

I don't know what you should do. Really, there is nothing you can do that isn't going to make big waves.

Your wife sounds like a manipulative cow to be honest. Her taking advantage of your naievty and gullibility is evidence enough of this.

You should split with her. Definitely.

Does his bio father know? Possibly. I would say unlikely tho.

Does your son deserve to know? Yes. But be careful how you approach it. Hey advice from a good counselor who is experienced in this kinda thing before you tackle this one.

Have they half brothers & sisters?
Quite possible. But the connection is genetic only. They would be no more connection between them than between you and I to be honest.
Personally, I don't really believe in half siblings unless you were raised with them.
I have a half brother. I have no contact with them nor interest in them as I have nothing in common with him besides some DNA. Meh imo.

Big Bag of Chips

Red card for TheBoyConor. You have been warned before about resorting to name calling.

sexmag, I've deleted your post as it was off-topic and backseat moderating. If you have an issue with a post report it.

ManOfMystery

I don't think you're naive OP. You certainly come across in your post as fairly astute as to what is going on around you. 

I think however that you've been guilty of burying your head in the sand and trying to avoid this issue for 19 years. Let's be honest, when you first saw your wife's scan - when she was pregnant - and you saw the conception date, you must have known deep down then that you weren't the father? Especially considering you'd only indulged in foreplay with your wife and not even had full sexual intercourse?

There generally aren't grey areas when it comes to conception, at least not in this case. If the conception date was before you and your wife did anything physical together, then you can't be the father. It was that simple 19 yrs ago, and it's still that simple. 

Anyway - in terms of looking ahead, I agree with the poster above that it's time for all the lies and deception to be cast aside and for the truth to come out. Your wife needs to know that you know. And you deserve an explanation from her, at the least, as to why she went out of her way for 19yrs to convince you that you were the biological father.

Your son also deserves to know the truth of his parentage. Some day in the future DNA tests may be much more prevalent than they are now and he may find out anyway - and I think it would be better he heard it from you now. But in doing so, you have to be prepared for confusion and perhaps even anger on his part. You've had 19yrs to get used to an idea which once festered in your head; and by your own admission, it makes no difference to your feelings for him as you've been a committed father (biological or not) to him either way. But he is young, and this will come as a total shock, so he may not have as good a handle on things as you have had. 

He will need your patience, understanding, support, and continued reassurance that this will not change the feeling between you both in any way. And in turn, you will need patience and understanding in the event that he may want to get to know his biological father.

Mr. Incognito

Good morning

1. Seek Counselling. This is obviously traumatic and you are this lads father in reality and in your heart.

2. I think you need to confront your wife with the DNA tests.

3. Your son is an innocent party in this and needs to know the truth for his own sense of identity