If you knew someone had an affair behind their fiancée’s back, what would you do?

Salthillprom

I know of someone who had an affair behind his (almost) wife-to-be’s back. For a couple of years. While having the affair he applied for planning permission on a site her family gave to her and I was told, is going away on a far-flung hol soon with a plan to propose. And continued the affair.

Is it ever the business of another’s to tell the victim? As in, if you knew of someone you were say friends with or even acquaintances with, and you knew this for a fact, would you let the unsuspecting bride-to-be know or keep your trap shut?

ETA: I’ve discussed this with some of my friends. Some say that it’s morally wrong not to tell the victim and others think it’s nobody’s business but the couple’s? One friend said that I should approach the person having or who had the affair, say I know about it and tell him he has 24 hours to tell her or she’ll hear another way

I know for a fact I’d want to know if I were her. But that’s just me.

Big Bag of Chips

This comes up here every so often and gets very opposite opinion. Personally, I think it depends on your relationship with the person being cheated on. Family member, very close friend, absolutely tell them. Outside of that it becomes trickier. And very often it's a case of shoot the messenger.

If you know, and lots of others know, then surely someone is in a better position than you to tell.

Also, don't discount the possibility that she knows, and is ignoring it.

sexmag

Yeah to be honest other people's business is not yours, nothing will happen to you if you don't tell then as in you can't be blamed, but if you do tell then they will want you to provide hard proof of this as you are basically saying their life is a lie and the person they love is not who they think they and years of their life have been ruined.

Also again they may know so you will just be sticking your oar in.

My advice is to keep schtum, cheaters always get caught and if he "doesn't" then she knew and doesn't care

rainbowtrout

sugarman wrote: »

I'd probably give them an anonymous tip off via a fake online profile or text / WhatsApp off a throw away number if they were close enough to care about. I just wouldn't want to be personally caught up in it from any side of the situation. Otherwise I'd bite my tongue and say nothing.

I'd agree, messengers often get shot when trying to help, even if the relationship does come to an end because of the cheating. The person that was cheated on, needs to lash out as they deal with the break up of their relationship, so who better to lash out at than the person who set the ball rolling, in their view, the messenger, rather than the boyfriend/girlfriend who was cheating.

I'd second the anonymous tip off, could be any of the methods above or a letter through the door, with enough information so she knows it's real, and let her do what she wants with it then.

Arrival

Depending on how close I was to them I'd approach them to tell them or I'd let them know anonymously, either way I'd do my part to let the disrespected person have the opportunity to rid themselves of their disgusting, disloyal partner. Nobody deserves that and in their shoes I would want to know

Big Bag of Chips

I just think of you're going to tell someone something like that, then you tell them. Not anonymously. Anonymously telling someone could be explained away very easily. Mistaken identity. Girl who was coming on to him and he turned down. Colleague who doesn't like him.

No.. if you're going to tell someone that, and risk ending their relationship as they know it, then you should "own" it and tell them directly. If you're not prepared to do it directly, don't do it at all. That's how I'd feel anyway. If I was to be told something like that I'd want to be told, properly. Anonymously would have me looking to my closest friends and family wondering was it them. Wondering who knew? How many knew? Was I the only one who didn't know? Were my friends talking about me behind my back? That then on top of trying to figure out whether it was true or not.

wiggle16

I've always been torn with this one. This is one of those questions where there's no right answer. It depends who's asking, really.

If it's someone you're close to, then of course you are going to tell eventually anyway, so it's kind of moot.

If it's someone you know well but not a close friend or family member, it's a bit more difficult because the line between helping and interfering is different for everyone. Personally I don't think I could watch someone be taken for a fool like that and would have to eventually say something - in their position, I would like to think someone would be watching out for me too.

If this is a case of a neighbour or acquaintance and you happen to know that this is going on, then right or wrong you cross the line into interfering regardless, because it's got nothing to do with you. As BBOC said, there's likely someone in a better position to tell than you. I would probably keep it to myself.

At the same time, if she is a neighbour or acquaintance etc and everybody and the dog's granny knows what's going on, but she doesn't.... again I don't think it would sit right with me to watch someone walk around like an eejit while everyone else knows, but it doesn't necessarily mean I would tell. It would depend.

You seem inclined to tell though, and there are a couple of specifics in your OP:
- It's not clear if the affair is over or not, maybe I'm wrong? Is it still going on? If the affair is over, then you drop it entirely and forget you ever heard about it. Never dredge that river for anyone.

- Your friend's idea to approach the person who had the affair and deliver an ultimatum is not a good idea, it doesn't work. All it does is give the person who had the affair time to do some damage control or otherwise "prime" their partner for hearing something bad about them, that it's all lies and make believe and Salthillprom is a crazed stalker etc. In addition, it means involving yourself in the whole set up. If you're a third party, you're just making it more complicated than it already is by getting involved like that.

- If you do tell her whats going on, you need to be okay with the idea that she may never speak to you again. The messenger rarely comes off well in this - do not expect any thanks for it, even if you feel you are doing her a sorely needed favour.

- The anonymous tip-off is easiest for you, but not for the recipient. It will drive her insane not knowing who sent it, how they came to know about it, or if she can verify that it's true. She will not want to believe it either and will believe his excuses over a piece of paper/email/text message. I'd rather approach the person myself and do her that courtesy, tbh.

- As a rule, if there are young children involved in any way, I would drop it and forget about it. It's one thing to end an engagement, another thing entirely to break up a family, at least that's how I feel about it.

Ultimately my (lengthy) two cents is to use your best judgement: depending on your relationship with her, really, really consider if it would be appropriate or welcome for her to tell you the same thing if your roles were reversed - and genuinely imagine your reaction, would you want to be able to come back and forth to that girl for more information, who else knows etc? Because that can happen.

If you're unsure, err on the side of caution and say nothing.

Caranica

You only know what you see and that's rarely what's actually going on. People have all sorts of arrangements and understandings that you might have no idea about. Been there, done that and my advice is to butt out. Judge your relationship by your standards and keep your nose out of other people's business.

leggo

Just seconding everything BBOC has said here. If it was family or like a 'best man' level friend, I'd probably tell if I had irrefutable evidence (gossip or hearsay is only going to get a bad reaction, ultimately people believe what they want to believe). And the anonymous tip thing sounds great in theory until you list the added elements it'll tack on that BBOC has listed. One of the most humiliating things victims of cheating go through is the idea that they're a fool and everyone knew except them, the anonymous idea only feeds into that. And then you'd have to lie to her face if she brought it up to you...ew, no, waaaayy too messy.

It doesn't sound like you have irrefutable evidence to prove anything this lad couldn't explain away, assuming the info you have is even true and not just rumours. It's unclear how close you are to the girl, I'd imagine if you were her sister or maid of honour you'd have said as much, and you're giving info on someone she likely cares about more so will be pre-disposed to believe before you. So all evidence points to you interfering in a relationship without proof, losing a friend and nothing changing. Do you still think it's a good idea?

Mr. Incognito

Always keep your mouth shut

No one knows the dynamics of anyone else's relationship and I think it's always people that are particularly busy bodies that get involved in this crap and try and justify it.

Mind your own business.

FurBabyMomma

It's not clear from your post if the situation is ongoing or in the past. In this case I'd think his fiancée should be told before he gets a claim on her family land and they go through all the expense of building and a wedding.

I'd tell her, but say you won't judge her for whatever decision she makes and you'll never mention it again. Unfortunately, as others have said, it may still cost you the friendship.

sbsquarepants

As with everything in life - it depends.

If it is a close friend, or your sister or something then I'd at least strongly consider telling, but to be honest my natural inclination would be to mind my own business.

If it's just a work colleague or an acquaintance then forget about it, it's absolutely none of your business.

Flippyfloppy

I think it also depends on how you know? Have you witnessed it first hand? Do you have any evidence? No matter what, the fiancé's first port of call will be to say you're lying, because you're jealous etc. he has a lot riding on this, a marriage, a new build and his life.

Now if you have evidence, or you can get hard evidence, go for it!

ETA: while anonymously sending a message can have it merits, he will explain it away easily. Also, if i was you, and she came to me to discuss the anonymous message I wouldn't be able to hold it together.

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professore

Mr. Incognito wrote: »

Always keep your mouth shut

No one knows the dynamics of anyone else's relationship and I think it's always people that are particularly busy bodies that get involved in this crap and try and justify it.

Mind your own business.

Don't understand this reasoning.

If she's OK with him cheating, then surely it's no problem to tell her? If she's not OK then she needs to know?

Unless of course it's OK to cover up for cheating.

If you see a crime and don't report it you are considered an accessory. Same thing here. However I would only intervene if I was friends or family with the person being cheated on.

ginandtonicsky

Salthillprom wrote: »

I know for a fact I’d want to know if I were her. But that’s just me.

Ditto. Bottom line for me. This country wouldn't be as fcuked as it is in many ways if more people didn't bury their heads in the sand and "mind their own business".

If you have solid evidence that can't be refuted easily and this is someone you care about, tell her. If it's an open relationship as someone else inferred, she'll be grand and put you straight. If not (obviously this is more likely), she'll be devastated but she'll finally know something really important about her husband-to-be that could change her life for the better in the long run.

waffleman

In these situations unless you can prove it dont bother - i mean ironclad watertight proof.

Like her catching him mid thrust. That might do it.

sbsquarepants

professore wrote: »

Don't understand this reasoning.

If she's OK with him cheating, then surely it's no problem to tell her? If she's not OK then she needs to know?

Unless of course it's OK to cover up for cheating.

If you see a crime and don't report it you are considered an accessory. Same thing here. However I would only intervene if I was friends or family with the person being cheated on.

The reasoning - my reasoning anyway - is that the world would generally be a better place if people would just mind their own damn business. There's far too many curtain twitchers in this world!

As a rule of thumb - if it doesn't concern you, it shouldn't concern you!

Your neighbour having an affair, is your neighbours business - not yours.

Mr. Incognito

professore wrote: »

Don't understand this reasoning.

If she's OK with him cheating, then surely it's no problem to tell her? If she's not OK then she needs to know?

Unless of course it's OK to cover up for cheating.

If you see a crime and don't report it you are considered an accessory. Same thing here. However I would only intervene if I was friends or family with the person being cheated on.

If you see a crime and dont report it you are not considered an accessory. You can be an accessory after the fact if you conceal it or assist it.

Relationship dynamics are for the people involved.

I dont like plenty of my friends relationships- Am I entitled to stick in my oar. Sure.

But I dont because its none of my business.

This is none of your business.

professore

Mr. Incognito wrote: »

If you see a crime and dont report it you are not considered an accessory. You can be an accessory after the fact if you conceal it or assist it.

Relationship dynamics are for the people involved.

I dont like plenty of my friends relationships- Am I entitled to stick in my oar. Sure.

But I dont because its none of my business.

This is none of your business.

I think if you call yourself a friend of the person being cheated on then you should tell them. If you're not a friend then fair enough.

Any "friend" of mine that knew something like that and didn't tell me wouldn't be a friend anymore.

professore

sbsquarepants wrote: »

The reasoning - my reasoning anyway - is that the world would generally be a better place if people would just mind their own damn business. There's far too many curtain twitchers in this world!

As a rule of thumb - if it doesn't concern you, it shouldn't concern you!

Your neighbour having an affair, is your neighbours business - not yours.

I don't care what my neighbours do to each other, as I don't particularly care for my neighbours! My friends are another story, I don't like seeing them hurt or covering for someone cheating on them.

paw patrol

I'd rarely tell.

If it was family or close friend.
To put it in perspective I'd have about 5 friends that i'd bother opening my mouth for in this scenario. Otherwise i'd play dumb.

Mr. Incognito wrote: »

Always keep your mouth shut

No one knows the dynamics of anyone else's relationship and I think it's always people that are particularly busy bodies that get involved in this crap and try and justify it.

Mind your own business.

I read this a lot esp here on boards. But beyond the internet in real life it's a very much a minority of couples that allows this / ignore this or have an open relationship
Maybe I mix in the wrong crowd but if/when this happens there is usually war.

MissTheDome

It was only after I asked for a separation that I started to hear honest accounts from acquaintances (I won’t even say friends as my friends wanted categorical proof before they hurt me).

After the shock, and it was a shock. I remember an irate man on the line one night asking me if I knew my husband was F**k*ng his wife. Lovely stuff when you’re feeding a baby.

Even after the separation denial will often be laid at your feet. Even after they move in together, “ honestly, it’s all about moving forward “.

What I would say to someone when they ask me if I wish I knew sooner. Without hard evidence the news will never be met with the good will it was intended.
I would never have had my amazing children. Life plays out. Unless it’s someone you love, more than the burden of carrying the secret - let it die with you. Their fates are not in your hands. No one and nothing is perfect, no marriage is perfect; people make incredible decisions for almost all the wrong reasons and have a lifetime to regret them. People also are known to change, give everyone a chance. It’s their shot. I wouldn’t change anything.

professore

MissTheDome wrote: »

It was only after I asked for a separation that I started to hear honest accounts from acquaintances (I won’t even say friends as my friends wanted categorical proof before they hurt me).

After the shock, and it was a shock. I remember an irate man on the line one night asking me if I knew my husband was F**k*ng his wife. Lovely stuff when you’re feeding a baby.

Even after the separation denial will often be laid at your feet. Even after they move in together, “ honestly, it’s all about moving forward “.

What I would say to someone when they ask me if I wish I knew sooner. Without hard evidence the news will never be met with the good will it was intended.
I would never have had my amazing children. Life plays out. Unless it’s someone you love, more than the burden of carrying the secret - let it die with you. Their fates are not in your hands. No one and nothing is perfect, no marriage is perfect; people make incredible decisions for almost all the wrong reasons and have a lifetime to regret them. People also are known to change, give everyone a chance. It’s their shot. I wouldn’t change anything.

This all sounds like a lovely philosophy but what about the spouse who has never done any cheating and actually has morals?

Sometimes I think it's better to just give in to your baser instincts and do whatever you feel like in the moment no matter who else you destroy in the process as lots of people will look the other way and make all kinds of excuses for you, and respect you more than if you are a decent human being.

The only person that comes off badly in your story is the husband of the woman your husband was having an affair with. More than likely a decent honest hardworking man whose wife didn't care about and certainly didn't care about breaking up your family with a small baby at home. Yet he was the only honest person in your story - and I include you in that as you aren't honest with yourself about him.

I have children too and I get it, but in reality you would have had other amazing children with a proper man who would still be around taking care of you and them and not a snake. A man most likely like the heartbroken one that called you that night whose heartbreak came out as anger. And if he hadn't called, you might still be with him, living a lie. And a snake will bite you or your children sooner or later. Maybe that would have been preferable for you but not for me.

Of course we can say maybe he was a bad husband yada yada yada and that may be true but it still doesn't justify her affair.

I don't mean to sound harsh but that's how I see it. I'm really sorry you had to go through what you did.

alibab

I am a divorced women whose marriage ended due to a affair . One of the biggest things that bothered me was that people obviously knew that my husband was cheating but nobody had the guts to tell me .

I had instincts etc and I had to wait also till I had solid proof . Even if someone had sent me a anonymous letter it would have helped and restored my faith that actually someone cared about me and my feelings.

I would not have shot the messenger i would have been grateful and could have planned how to end things in a more dignified manner rather than finding out the way I did . I was embarrassed and humiliated that people I knew were aware of the aware of the affair but rather than rock the boat stayed silent .

This woman has a chance now to get out before marriage and commitment of house etc . Someone needs to speak up now .

MissTheDome

professore wrote: »

This all sounds like a lovely philosophy but what about the spouse who has never done any cheating and actually has morals?

Sometimes I think it's better to just give in to your baser instincts and do whatever you feel like in the moment no matter who else you destroy in the process as lots of people will look the other way and make all kinds of excuses for you, and respect you more than if you are a decent human being.

The only person that comes off badly in your story is the husband of the woman your husband was having an affair with. More than likely a decent honest hardworking man whose wife didn't care about and certainly didn't care about breaking up your family with a small baby at home. Yet he was the only honest person in your story - and I include you in that as you aren't honest with yourself about him.

I have children too and I get it, but in reality you would have had other amazing children with a proper man who would still be around taking care of you and them and not a snake. A man most likely like the heartbroken one that called you that night whose heartbreak came out as anger. And if he hadn't called, you might still be with him, living a lie. And a snake will bite you or your children sooner or later. Maybe that would have been preferable for you but not for me.

Of course we can say maybe he was a bad husband yada yada yada and that may be true but it still doesn't justify her affair.

I don't mean to sound harsh but that's how I see it. I'm really sorry you had to go through what you did.

Everyone came off badly in my story.
All sets of children, all four adults. There are no winners in any scenario where there are affairs.
I never said he stayed with her, I never said anything about her having this fantastic husband. In fact he beat her regularly (though she could have found comfort somewhere other than my now ex husbands arms).

Nothing justifies their affair, plural in my husbands case. But, people are human, people make all kinds of mistakes, suffer all kinds of hurt internally. Affairs are the worst kind of lie.

Yes, I would have preferred if he manned up and told me at the beginning. Or if someone had a shadow of proof to show me, but without proof you have insinuations and accusations.

It took me years and years to stop hating the pair of them. Hate makes you ugly, it’s much easier than you think to let it all go.

MissTheDome

alibab wrote: »

I am a divorced women whose marriage ended due to a affair . One of the biggest things that bothered me was that people obviously knew that my husband was cheating but nobody had the guts to tell me .

I had instincts etc and I had to wait also till I had solid proof . Even if someone had sent me a anonymous letter it would have helped and restored my faith that actually someone cared about me and my feelings.

I would not have shot the messenger i would have been grateful and could have planned how to end things in a more dignified manner rather than finding out the way I did . I was embarrassed and humiliated that people I knew were aware of the aware of the affair but rather than rock the boat stayed silent .

This woman has a chance now to get out before marriage and commitment of house etc . Someone needs to speak up now .

I am sorry to hear about your marriage.
I think, similarly, suspicion is almost always there but we wait for the categorical proof. Some of my friends said they knew but didn’t have proof, and without proof it’s only suspicion.

I was so so broken, if there’s actual proof, then it’s a very difficult call for anyone.

Hope you’re doing well.

leggo

People who are arguing “you’re not a real friend unless you tell” need to consider what you’re asking of someone else.

Essentially you’re saying that your friendship is contingent upon someone (who likely doesn’t have evidence, since more often than not it’s mere suspicions, as you really need to see it physically occur to know for sure and take pictures to prove it) interfering in another person’s relationship and possibly breaking up a family. You’re not guaranteed a good reaction, in fact you’re delivering possibly the worst news possible so you’re almost definitely going to get a bad reaction with a high chance of denial coming into play and you being the victim of all of this losing a friend while nothing changes.

That’s a LOT to expect of someone.

PressRun

Tell her.

ginandtonicsky

If you care about someone you do the right thing for them regardless of how uncomfortable it is for you or them.

professore

leggo wrote: »

People who are arguing “you’re not a real friend unless you tell” need to consider what you’re asking of someone else.

Essentially you’re saying that your friendship is contingent upon someone (who likely doesn’t have evidence, since more often than not it’s mere suspicions, as you really need to see it physically occur to know for sure and take pictures to prove it) interfering in another person’s relationship and possibly breaking up a family. You’re not guaranteed a good reaction, in fact you’re delivering possibly the worst news possible so you’re almost definitely going to get a bad reaction with a high chance of denial coming into play and you being the victim of all of this losing a friend while nothing changes.

That’s a LOT to expect of someone.

That's why I count my real friends on the fingers of one hand. I expect that of them and they expect the same of me.

As for the suspicions, you can tell what you saw - for example her husband in another town in a bar staring into the eyes of a strange woman when your friend said he was gone fishing for the weekend. She can make up her own mind. If she shoots the messenger she's not much of a friend.

My sister in law found out when her husband was in a car accident and when she got to the hospital, his mistress was beside the bed. Is this preferable? Perhaps to some.

I had something really bad happen about 10 years ago now - nothing to do with affairs. It really let me see who my real friends were. It was a huge eye opener.

leggo

I just think it takes away responsibility from the person who did the act. By finding out, you’re asking your friend to involve and inconvenience themselves by dragging themselves into a disfunctional relationship. They did nothing wrong, all that happened was they saw something they weren’t supposed to. It’s the cheater who committed a wrongdoing here. And yeah, it’s hurtful when a loved one betrays you, but taking the focus off them because it hurts and directing your anger at bystanders who committed no such betrayal because they didn’t tell you is just projecting. It’s easier to focus on that perceived wrongdoing than to focus on all of the negative feelings that come with being cheated on, I get it, but that doesn’t make it wrong.

Don’t get me wrong, there would be friends I’d still do that for, but if it happened to me I wouldn’t judge anyone who didn’t tell me either (now if they gossiped and told others then it’s a different story). It’s not healthy to take your anger out on innocent bystanders and it’s high maintenance as a friend. If someone expected that of me, they’d probably lose my close friendship tbh.

alibab

MissTheDome wrote: »

I am sorry to hear about your marriage.
I think, similarly, suspicion is almost always there but we wait for the categorical proof. Some of my friends said they knew but didn’t have proof, and without proof it’s only suspicion.

I was so so broken, if there’s actual proof, then it’s a very difficult call for anyone.

Hope you’re doing well.

I am great it was nine years ago and I am 4 years divorced. Best thing ever happened to me in the end . Easy to say that now as took years to get there but it was the best thing for both of us in the end as the marriage was not able to be saved .