My boyfriend and my car

judeboy101

<SNIP - Not up to standard. Please read the forum charter before posting again>

Ursus Horribilis

I'd watch the "spin with friends" thing. Do you have any inkling about how he would drive when it's not you or his mum who's a passenger? I don't want to tar all young male drivers with the one brush but some of them drive in ways I'd not like my car to be driven.

LegacyUser

I am looking at this from the other side OP. I met my now husband when we were 18. His parents helped him to get his first car (that is to say, they didn't trade in their total banger, they gave it to him) when he was 21. We moved in together at 23 and I finally drove his car at 24. I am sure that this seems like a long time, but I firmly believe in respect and boundaries.
It was his car, it was unbelieveably precious to him. It was a complete banger, but it was his. When he drove me anywhere, I never paid for petrol but I paid for food or entry fees. The petrol would have over stepped the mark at the time. When we lived apart, my stuff was my stuff and his stuff was his. He wouldn't have asked to borrow my TV for the day, or anything like that and vice versa.
When we moved in together, we started to co-own stuff (but not the car), saucepans, bedding, etc. Boring stuff. That car was his, no two ways about it. After about a year of living together, he suggested that I go on the insurance. I then began driving the car to drop him to town for the night or run small errands that benefitted him. I was very mindful that it was his car, not that it came up, but because it was the way that I was brought up.
We are married a few years now, we have two cars that are interchangable. As another poster pointed out, they are just metal. The difference is, we have owned multiple cars. We are experienced drivers. In the unlikely case that a door is damaged, etc, we have plenty of money to fix it. We also know each other and trust each other. We know that cars are used for getting from A to B, work, etc.
I think that it was very forward of him to ask to be on your insurance in the first place. Secondly, as the owner of the car, you should not be pressured into lending it to him. What happens if he damages it? What happens if he does something stupid? What if he hasn't the sense to say no to a friend of a friend who takes the piss? This happened to my brother, he lent his car to a friend, who gave another friend and their friend a lift. They destroyed the car with chewing gum (intentionally too).
I would say that if he wants to be able to drive his mother around, he should get his own car, or they can get a family car. It is fine for him to drive while you are there, but I would advise you to nip the borrowing thing in the bud or keep a very close eye on it. Quite frankly, it isn't your job to provide transport for him and to be giving him lifts.
I might be wrong, but the whole thing seems to be sliding into codependence by far too fast with you doing all of the providing.

Emme

OP is he going to be using your car to drive his mother around all the time now? He already spends his money on them and the two of ye are short. It looks like he wants you to prop up his family indirectly with your car as well as him propping up his family with his wages.

He has a good deal - you were driving him around before he got the use of your car and you seem to be putting more into the relationship than he is. Your parents bought you the car - they didn't buy it for him.

You say he is going through a rough patch with his family - he will ALWAYS be going through a rough patch with his family and will be forever at their beck and call if he allows it.

LLMMLL

Not an easy one. He seems to be paying full insurance costs and who would want to pay that just to share the driving responsibilities.

It sounds like sharing the car 50/50 would make you uncomfortable so you should decide what you are comfortable with. Either he only gets to use the car to share driving responsibilities with you, or he also gets to use it occasionally for his own purposes. What occasionally means is up to you. Around 3 times a week while you’re not using it seems reasonable to me. Also don’t be too precise. Exactly 3 times a week will make you look a bit psycho.

BTW this seems like it’s going to be one of those threads where people make either you or your bf sound like Hitler depending on who they agree with. Ignore these posts.

iamwhoiam

LLMMLL wrote: »

Not an easy one. He seems to be paying full insurance costs and who would want to pay that just to share the driving responsibilities.

It sounds like sharing the car 50/50 would make you uncomfortable so you should decide what you are comfortable with. Either he only gets to use the car to share driving responsibilities with you, or he also gets to use it occasionally for his own purposes. What occasionally means is up to you. Around 3 times a week while you’re not using it seems reasonable to me. Also don’t be too precise. Exactly 3 times a week will make you look a bit psycho.

BTW this seems like it’s going to be one of those threads where people make either you or your bf sound like Hitler depending on who they agree with. Ignore these posts.

Ignore all posts excepts yours !! ?

LLMMLL

iamwhoiam wrote: »

Ignore all posts excepts yours !! ?

No the ones who make out that either of them are horrible monsters. It’s a minor issue. Neither of them appear to be particularly taking the piss.

But threads around minor money issues seem to enrage some posters who act like the person they disagree with is the most selfish monster alive.

Unanimous

I understand how you feel about this and I would feel this way if my friend was using my car but not my boyfriend.

I am not criticising you but I believe that if you love him you should be a bit more understanding even though you have legit reasons to feel the way you should.

I personally feel that you should try to get past this feeling and be willing to share the car with him.

He may have to share the cost of tax/ insurance equally if he wants to use the car comfortably.

And lastly, you can let him know that since you own it really, you can make a rule that you guys can share the car but when you really need it, he may have to leave it for you to use.

I am saying this because I believe that if you look at this from a relationship point of view, there would have to be a lot of sharing and giving and taking from both parties. I don't think a care is too much to share with your partner or should it be a reason why someone is hurt (he was hurt when he thought you didn't want him to use the car).

If you really love him, then just let it go, agree to share and make some rules. (But all this depends on the relationship and if he is even a sharing and caring boyfriend in the first place)

GreeBo

This feels a little bit like that add on the tv about a family car trip.

"Stop looking out my window!"

I was waiting for the part of your post where he did something wrong or bad or something that could annoy you.
Frankly I'm still waiting.

I'm not sure what you want from him, other than for him to chauffeur you when you are both going to the same place?

PressRun

All he's doing is bringing his mam to the shops or going for a spin. It's not the end of the world. Give the guy a break. He's being decent.

Yellow pack crisps

It’s a car. It’s lying idle when you ain’t using it. I think you’re just over thinking this. Get half the tax too off him. If you see the relationship lasting then sharing things is really normal.

tomwaits48

this is very petty. and I'd be livid if I found out my girlfriend was starting threads about me on the internet over something so trivial.

JustAThought

tomwaits48 wrote: »

this is very petty. and I'd be livid if I found out my girlfriend was starting threads about me on the internet over something so trivial.

Its not petty at all. I guess in the generous gesture of putting him on her insurance (with the financial risk to herself if he crashes or has a claim against him) she didntthink the whole thing through. Petrol and insurance are sorted;but running costs are far more than insurance and peyrol and I would suggest they might consider a re-evaluation to even the load out. Of course he might just decide not to pay and she will still be left paying it all -BUT -without the added risk of him being involved in an accident/crashing it. As he seems like a decent guy it might be worth deciding for lives sake and future investment in a relationship that he only be on it for a year to gain credits/possible reduction for his own policy next year and that the terms of driving/use are (whatever). But before there is an accident they need to put in writing what they decide and who is responsible for paying and who will then be responsible for the increase in the following years policy /loss of no claims etc as this can be expensive. I would also be clear in writing that any shared costs are just that -operational overheads - and not shared ownership and what the terms of use are. Of course its v hard to do sll that with someone you love!