My boyfriend and my car

LegacyUser

So my boyfriend doesn’t have a car yet. He isn’t really making an effort to save up for one either. Neither of us make that much money. He’s always buying things for his family, as his father is not around and I think he feels guilty, which is understandable. I collect him from work most days and would sometimes drop him off somewhere, these would both be within ten minutes of where I live so I don’t mind.

Recently he asked me if I would put him as a named driver on my insurance policy. Because we are together most of the time anyway and it would bring down the cost of his insurance policy when the time comes. I agreed but got him to pay the extra cost. If we were are going somewhere together he would drive, which suits me because sometimes I get tired of driving.

What’s annoying me is that twice now since he was put on the policy (roughly two weeks ago) he has asked me if he could take the car for a few hours while I was at work. We would both be working the same days most weeks, but might have one/two different days. Both days he has collected me straight away after work, and given me my car back.

I said yes to this, but deep down it just doesn’t sit well with me. He put petrol into when he used it. He said that when he used it he brought two of his friends around for a spin, brought his mother to the shop and things like that.

I don’t think he is a reckless driver or would use the car with anyone else. He is always very reliable and if she says he’s going to do something he does it. But I just don’t like it! I’m sort of thinking is he going to start taking over my car. I said this to him. He said that I don’t have to give him the car if I don’t want, and looked kind of hurt. I look back now and think how could I be so stupid and what did I expect to happen.

Am I being unreasonable about this?

racso1975

It does seem a bit petty that you want him using the car when you aren't especially given he has been there to pick you up and put the petrol in. It's similar to a child not wanting another child to use their toy even though they are not using it.

I understand the potential for this to become him using the car non stop but cross that bridge when it comes.

What you have said about him in your post makes him seem like a nice guy for looking after his family and bringing his ma to the shops.

So o would say yes you are being slightly unreasonable

Foweva Awone

I think you're being unreasonable, yes, especially as he puts the petrol in and has covered the difference in the insurance. I'm guessing you're living together ... what's the point in having two cars for the household when it seems one would suffice?

NinetyTwoTeam

He's paid for the insurance, puts petrol in and collects you, and gives you back the car.

He's hardly paying the insurance to only drive it when the two of you are in the car.

Yes you are being unreasonable imo as long as you still have immediate access to the car when you. need it.

JeffKenna

To be honest you come across a bit unreasonable and spoilt...he seems quite respectful when he uses the car.

Ursus Horribilis

I don't think you're being unreasonable, seeing as you're the person who bought and paid for the car in the first place. There's more to car ownership than just sticking petrol in the tank and chipping in for insurance. You're the one who's going to be forking out for the tax and the maintenance of it. He's now got the use of a free car and all he has to do is stick petrol in the tank and off he goes. At the end of the day, it is your car, not his. It's cheeky of him to be ferrying his mates around without your permission now that he has cheap wheels.

I think the two of you need to have a chat and draw up some boundaries.

mikeecho

I'm motor fanatic (I've 2 cars and a bike) the wife has her own car.

And we chop and change who drives what whenever.
Although she won't drive the bike, or the classic, even though she's insured on everything.

It's only plastic and metal.

Your partner is being reasonable in so far that he doesn't abuse the car, and pays his way.

Relax a little.


Edit,
The previous post hinted at maintaince costs.. thinking about my situation, I seem to pay for servicing on all 4 vehicle's in our household, yet anyone can drive them.

Still not an issue for me.

As I've said, it's only plastic and metal.

Seth Brundle

Has he a full licence or on a learner's permit?

notsoyoungwan

This would irk me too. You mentioned that neither of you earn that much, you’ve made the financial outlay for a car- buying it/paying loan, tax, NCT if needed, maintenance, insurance etc. Car ownership is a costly business. He’s had a fraction of the expense- just the additional insurance charge and fuel, yet he’s carting his family and friends around while you’re working. Nope, I wouldn’t have that. If he wants a car, let him make the financial sacrifice and commitment having one involves.

How long are ye together? I’d be on the alert for other ways he might be taking advantage of you financially, tbh. Yes I’m cynical, but don’t let him make a fool out of you.

iamwhoiam

The difference in putting a named driver on is very little . The OP is paying the bulk of the insurance , the tax and the wear and tear . So Yes , i too would be irked as its the OPs car and not at all petty in my opinion

zapper55

If I was going out with someone that had a car and all I paid towards the upkeep of the car was the additional amount to put me on the insurance so I could drive us sometimes there's no way I'd be asking to borrow it. I'd feel very scabby. Doesn't make any difference that he pays petrol when he takes it for a drive.

Does he pay for petrol when you guys are out?

I think the fact you are both on similar wages and doesn't seem to be saving anything probably doesn't help the situation. How is the rest of your relationship? Does he pull his weight in other ways?

dr.fuzzenstein

Can you manage with one car? If you find the answer is yes,maybe you could come to an agreement to evenly split the running costs.
If you both aren't earning a lot, it would help both of you.
Yes, he could buy his own car, but is that really needed right now?
Whatever you do, talk about it, come to an agreement and stick by it.
No point having all this resentment build up over a car. I mean, it's just a car.

kylith

I can understand why it's irking you; when I moved in with my OH just sharing 'my' space was difficult; it's just the psychological effect of having someone else touching your stuff. However, I do think you're being unreasonable; he's not depriving you of it, he's paying for petrol and insuring himself, he's not reckless. When time comes to insure again you can ask him to pay half the insurance. If the pair of you can get buy on one car then it doesn't make any sense to pay for and run two.

dudara

To me, it sounds like you’re coming to that point in a relationship where you have to decide is it “his and mine” or is it “ours”.

Looking at it objectively, he’s paying for petrol used and returning the car to you. He’s not so far inconveniencing you. But are you ready for shared ownership/use of assets?

iamwhoiam

I have named a driver on my insurance for less than €30 . It comes nothing close to sharing the cost

nikkibikki

He needs to share maintenance costs and tax as well as petrol and insurance. If you are repaying a loan for the car, he should contribute to that too.

dr.fuzzenstein

nikkibikki wrote: »

He needs to share maintenance costs and tax as well as petrol and insurance. If you are repaying a loan for the car, he should contribute to that too.

If the OP is the type of person to whip out a calculator at a restaurant when it comes to splitting the bill, then yes. Absolutely.

Ursus Horribilis

dr.fuzzenstein wrote: »

If the OP is the type of person to whip out a calculator at a restaurant when it comes to splitting the bill, then yes. Absolutely.

Who said anything about the OP taking out a calculator?

nikkibikki

dr.fuzzenstein wrote:

If the OP is the type of person to whip out a calculator at a restaurant when it comes to splitting the bill, then yes. Absolutely.

They may well be. They seem to have a problem with being the one to pay for all these things and the boyfriend not paying for them all but having the advantage of using the car. My suggestion of sharing all costs associated with the car removes this issue.

tara73

dr.fuzzenstein wrote: »

Can you manage with one car? If you find the answer is yes,maybe you could come to an agreement to evenly split the running costs.
If you both aren't earning a lot, it would help both of you.
Yes, he could buy his own car, but is that really needed right now?
Whatever you do, talk about it, come to an agreement and stick by it.
No point having all this resentment build up over a car. I mean, it's just a car.

this.

from your OP it seems you both could go with just one car. Why don't just share all costs like maintenance, tax, etc. too?
but tbh it should be him suggesting this in the first place and not you sitting him down asking him for his contribution.

could it be the main issue is not him using your car and 'taking it over', it's more the fact he's your partner and more or less sneakily taking advantage of you? This is not a nice way to treat a partner, it's actually respectless and I can fully understand why you're kind of angry about it.

Is he doing it in other areas too?

the marginal cost of his being named driver is being covered by him. it doesnt in any way impact the OP's insurance, which is unchanged.

why would he split the full bill?

suggestions that he pay half the loan, if there is one, only make sense if you want to open up a can of worms in the event of a break up about shared ownership.

shared maintenance costs, fair enough. sounds more to me as if OP isnt ready to share stuff with ppl, and tbh its coming across as quite immature given the circs

LegacyUser

Thanks everyone for your replies and opinions. I’ll try to respond to each here:

We’re together about 18 months and don’t live together.

Before he took my car he did ask me could he bring his friend for a spin. I know his friend well so I didn’t mind.

He has offered to pay half the tax of the car but I told him not to as I know he buys a lot of things for his family and didn’t feel right doing it.

He has a full drivers licence.

We are both a bit younger (but I’m driving longer) so the cost of putting him on the insurance was around the same as my cost on my own.

He doesn’t always pay for petrol when we’re out (sometimes he will though) but say he would pay for the meal/cinema etc. instead.

The car is totally payed for as my parents helped me out with it a couple of years ago. So I don’t pay anything else for it.

I don’t think he’s taking advantage of me financially. I don’t pay for him all the time. Sometimes I might suggest going somewhere and he will say he can’t afford it and then I might pay just because i would be bored otherwise staying in. This would usually happen if he bought something for the house or his sister or occasionally a night out haha. This would be something small like the cinema and would happen very rarely.

Overall we have a great relationship. He’s a very supportive person, he’s reliable and he has a good heart. I think he’s going through a bit of a rough patch at the moment, with his family situation. I think him driving the car gives him a bit of a boost or maybe you could say a break to get out the house.

I would agree with those saying I’m being unreasonable. I just wanted other people’s opinions as I have never been in a situation like this before.

LegacyUser

When I say the cost of him going on the policy was the same of the cost of me on my own I mean. The cost of him on was almost double what me on my own would cost.

iamwhoiam

OP . I would shop around for insurance because adding someone with a full licence should certainly not cost close to what you are paying ? I added my husband on and it reduced my premium !
My daughter added her partner on with a new full license and her premium also reduced by €20 !
And I just recently added three named drivers on for €21 for the year !

homerjay2005

OP, you really come across as petty and unreasonable unfortunately

JeffKenna wrote: »

To be honest you come across a bit unreasonable and spoilt...he seems quite respectful when he uses the car.

this....

AfterLife

homerjay2005 wrote: »

OP, you really come across as petty and unreasonable unfortunately

I don't think so. When you're young as the op is, having "ownership" of anything is nice. Having to share it is hard when you probably haven't got a pot to piss in otherwise.

I would say to the op that if he's alright and isn't looking to take advantage you should cut him some slack. It might be worth it in the long run.

Ursus Horribilis

OP, I am bewildered at how many people here seem to think you are being unreasonable and petty. I can still remember how hard it was to keep my first car on the road when I was starting out. I had a car loan and a job that didn't pay very well. Every week when I got paid, the first thing that I had to do was put the money aside so that I could go into the Credit Union and pay off the loan. I had to get help from my parents at times because things were so tight. To me, my car was never just metal and plastic. It was the most expensive thing I'd ever bought in my life and something that meant a lot to me. It had to, seeing as it cost so much to tax, insure, NCT, service etc. It's natural that you'll feel more "territorial" about it than most other things you own.

I think you and your boyfriend need to talk about how you both see the arrangement going. What does his being a named driver on your car entail? How much he thinks he'll want to use it. How much you think is acceptable. When do you think it's moving into taking the piss territory. Regardless of how much he has paid in insurance, it is still your car and it's in your name. He has access to it and he is not the co-owner. If you agree that he can drive it more than you thought he would, then I think you should start taking money from him for taxing and servicing it. He's lucky to be able to drive around in a car he hasn't had to pay for and he should pay his way. He sounds like a decent guy and you should accept the money he's offering. It might help you feel better about this.

messy tessy

Anon_car wrote: »

Overall we have a great relationship. He’s a very supportive person, he’s reliable and he has a good heart. I think he’s going through a bit of a rough patch at the moment, with his family situation. I think him driving the car gives him a bit of a boost or maybe you could say a break to get out the house

He sounds like such a good guy!

There was another thread here before on someone's partner getting the benefit of a car/ personal chauffeur without contributing anything and everyone was pretty much unanimous in telling the OP that her boyfriend was a freeloader. This definitely doesn't seem to be the case here, he seems like a decent chap.

Gonad

Op does your partner know he can sign up with GoCar

8 euro per hour and you get 50 kilometers included in the price and fuel included .

He can rent a car for 2 hours and do all his family stuff for less than the Price of a pizza and no nagging girlfriend

fergiesfolly

OP, I think you're within your rights to be put out by your boyfriend borrowing your car.
Petrol and insurance are the very least he should pay towards the use of your car.
He asked you to be put on the insurance, you graciously agreed and twice within a fortnight he's taken the car. And one of the those occasions was to bring the lads for a spin( hardly a necessary journey).
You speak highly of him and he might be a nice guy, but I think he's taking advantage, even if he's doing it unknowingly.

osarusan

I suppose that he thought being added to the insurance gave him more entitlement to use it than you did. Even then, apart from bringing his mother to the shops on his day off, he has gone for a spin with some friends on one occasion. I don't really think he is exploiting things too much.

Tbh apart from this one thing you seem very happy with him, and seems to be an all-round nice guy.

I can see how it annoys you, but if it's an isolated thing, it might be better to let it go.

Anyway, now that you have raised the issue - watch his reaction and whether he continues to 'milk' it or uses it sparingly.

judeboy101

<SNIP - Not up to standard. Please read the forum charter before posting again>

Ursus Horribilis

I'd watch the "spin with friends" thing. Do you have any inkling about how he would drive when it's not you or his mum who's a passenger? I don't want to tar all young male drivers with the one brush but some of them drive in ways I'd not like my car to be driven.

LegacyUser

I am looking at this from the other side OP. I met my now husband when we were 18. His parents helped him to get his first car (that is to say, they didn't trade in their total banger, they gave it to him) when he was 21. We moved in together at 23 and I finally drove his car at 24. I am sure that this seems like a long time, but I firmly believe in respect and boundaries.
It was his car, it was unbelieveably precious to him. It was a complete banger, but it was his. When he drove me anywhere, I never paid for petrol but I paid for food or entry fees. The petrol would have over stepped the mark at the time. When we lived apart, my stuff was my stuff and his stuff was his. He wouldn't have asked to borrow my TV for the day, or anything like that and vice versa.
When we moved in together, we started to co-own stuff (but not the car), saucepans, bedding, etc. Boring stuff. That car was his, no two ways about it. After about a year of living together, he suggested that I go on the insurance. I then began driving the car to drop him to town for the night or run small errands that benefitted him. I was very mindful that it was his car, not that it came up, but because it was the way that I was brought up.
We are married a few years now, we have two cars that are interchangable. As another poster pointed out, they are just metal. The difference is, we have owned multiple cars. We are experienced drivers. In the unlikely case that a door is damaged, etc, we have plenty of money to fix it. We also know each other and trust each other. We know that cars are used for getting from A to B, work, etc.
I think that it was very forward of him to ask to be on your insurance in the first place. Secondly, as the owner of the car, you should not be pressured into lending it to him. What happens if he damages it? What happens if he does something stupid? What if he hasn't the sense to say no to a friend of a friend who takes the piss? This happened to my brother, he lent his car to a friend, who gave another friend and their friend a lift. They destroyed the car with chewing gum (intentionally too).
I would say that if he wants to be able to drive his mother around, he should get his own car, or they can get a family car. It is fine for him to drive while you are there, but I would advise you to nip the borrowing thing in the bud or keep a very close eye on it. Quite frankly, it isn't your job to provide transport for him and to be giving him lifts.
I might be wrong, but the whole thing seems to be sliding into codependence by far too fast with you doing all of the providing.

Emme

OP is he going to be using your car to drive his mother around all the time now? He already spends his money on them and the two of ye are short. It looks like he wants you to prop up his family indirectly with your car as well as him propping up his family with his wages.

He has a good deal - you were driving him around before he got the use of your car and you seem to be putting more into the relationship than he is. Your parents bought you the car - they didn't buy it for him.

You say he is going through a rough patch with his family - he will ALWAYS be going through a rough patch with his family and will be forever at their beck and call if he allows it.

LLMMLL

Not an easy one. He seems to be paying full insurance costs and who would want to pay that just to share the driving responsibilities.

It sounds like sharing the car 50/50 would make you uncomfortable so you should decide what you are comfortable with. Either he only gets to use the car to share driving responsibilities with you, or he also gets to use it occasionally for his own purposes. What occasionally means is up to you. Around 3 times a week while you’re not using it seems reasonable to me. Also don’t be too precise. Exactly 3 times a week will make you look a bit psycho.

BTW this seems like it’s going to be one of those threads where people make either you or your bf sound like Hitler depending on who they agree with. Ignore these posts.

iamwhoiam

LLMMLL wrote: »

Not an easy one. He seems to be paying full insurance costs and who would want to pay that just to share the driving responsibilities.

It sounds like sharing the car 50/50 would make you uncomfortable so you should decide what you are comfortable with. Either he only gets to use the car to share driving responsibilities with you, or he also gets to use it occasionally for his own purposes. What occasionally means is up to you. Around 3 times a week while you’re not using it seems reasonable to me. Also don’t be too precise. Exactly 3 times a week will make you look a bit psycho.

BTW this seems like it’s going to be one of those threads where people make either you or your bf sound like Hitler depending on who they agree with. Ignore these posts.

Ignore all posts excepts yours !! ?

LLMMLL

iamwhoiam wrote: »

Ignore all posts excepts yours !! ?

No the ones who make out that either of them are horrible monsters. It’s a minor issue. Neither of them appear to be particularly taking the piss.

But threads around minor money issues seem to enrage some posters who act like the person they disagree with is the most selfish monster alive.

Unanimous

I understand how you feel about this and I would feel this way if my friend was using my car but not my boyfriend.

I am not criticising you but I believe that if you love him you should be a bit more understanding even though you have legit reasons to feel the way you should.

I personally feel that you should try to get past this feeling and be willing to share the car with him.

He may have to share the cost of tax/ insurance equally if he wants to use the car comfortably.

And lastly, you can let him know that since you own it really, you can make a rule that you guys can share the car but when you really need it, he may have to leave it for you to use.

I am saying this because I believe that if you look at this from a relationship point of view, there would have to be a lot of sharing and giving and taking from both parties. I don't think a care is too much to share with your partner or should it be a reason why someone is hurt (he was hurt when he thought you didn't want him to use the car).

If you really love him, then just let it go, agree to share and make some rules. (But all this depends on the relationship and if he is even a sharing and caring boyfriend in the first place)

GreeBo

This feels a little bit like that add on the tv about a family car trip.

"Stop looking out my window!"

I was waiting for the part of your post where he did something wrong or bad or something that could annoy you.
Frankly I'm still waiting.

I'm not sure what you want from him, other than for him to chauffeur you when you are both going to the same place?

PressRun

All he's doing is bringing his mam to the shops or going for a spin. It's not the end of the world. Give the guy a break. He's being decent.

Yellow pack crisps

It’s a car. It’s lying idle when you ain’t using it. I think you’re just over thinking this. Get half the tax too off him. If you see the relationship lasting then sharing things is really normal.

tomwaits48

this is very petty. and I'd be livid if I found out my girlfriend was starting threads about me on the internet over something so trivial.

JustAThought

tomwaits48 wrote: »

this is very petty. and I'd be livid if I found out my girlfriend was starting threads about me on the internet over something so trivial.

Its not petty at all. I guess in the generous gesture of putting him on her insurance (with the financial risk to herself if he crashes or has a claim against him) she didntthink the whole thing through. Petrol and insurance are sorted;but running costs are far more than insurance and peyrol and I would suggest they might consider a re-evaluation to even the load out. Of course he might just decide not to pay and she will still be left paying it all -BUT -without the added risk of him being involved in an accident/crashing it. As he seems like a decent guy it might be worth deciding for lives sake and future investment in a relationship that he only be on it for a year to gain credits/possible reduction for his own policy next year and that the terms of driving/use are (whatever). But before there is an accident they need to put in writing what they decide and who is responsible for paying and who will then be responsible for the increase in the following years policy /loss of no claims etc as this can be expensive. I would also be clear in writing that any shared costs are just that -operational overheads - and not shared ownership and what the terms of use are. Of course its v hard to do sll that with someone you love!