Moved back to Ireland and thinking of leaving again

Irish_ash

Hello can anyone who has been in my situation please share some light on their experience please.

I have been living back in ireland for the past 8 months after living in New York for 8 years. I moved to my husbands part of the country in cork. I have two children undee the age of 4.

I have been just miserable since moving back. I am living in a small village where everyone is related to one another and they are all very tight. I find it very lonesome living here i would not be use to country life at all been from a big town ouside dublin.

Anyways we came back for the kids education and to be around family. We just about see family from one end of the week to the next they all busy doing their own thing i feel nobody has adjusted their lives to include any of us in it. School is good here but i feel like outside school as a family there is very little to do and i am just dreading the long winter coming again omg.

So we are thinking of packing up this September and heading back to the states i just feel if i could rewind the clock back i never would have moved back to ireland. Has anyone ever moved home and decided it wasnt for them and moved back? Id love to hear your stories

jackboy

Irish_ash wrote: »

School is good here but i feel like outside school as a family there is very little to do and i am just dreading the long winter coming again omg.

There are endless things to do as a family in Ireland if you make an effort.

whodini

I understand what you're saying. I moved home after a long time abroad, to my own home village, for the same reasons (school for kids). It was not easy as life has moved on and you don't just slot in. You also have a different perspective on life, as you are older, have the life experience of living somewhere else and possibly have some reverse culture shock. We stuck it out as school in our other country was not an attractive option. We are close enough to Dublin although quite rural, so that helps. Six years on and one child in her final years in primary school and I am only just settled. I still miss my other country and have fierce itchy feet! For us, it was a more straightforward choice but if you have options in the states for school for your kids I can see how it would be very tempting to go back at this stage! No help I know but I do understand your feelings somewhat.

We moved back after a few years away and have struggled somewhat. Reverse culture shock is real! We also find our friends and family to be busy most of the time, which is understandable.

It does take time. Give yourself another 10 months. 18 months is a good amount of time to readjust. If at 18 months in you are still really not happy, then go back knowing you gave it a good try.

In the mean time, make a list of the ways that you are unsatisfied. Then make a list of potential solutions to these problems. Commit to filling your life with activities you love. And go easy on yourselves. You've made some huge dramatic changes and adjustment takes real time.

For us our difficulties are about economics more than anything. Ireland makes it very difficult to own your own home. Abroad we'd be much better off and not squandering an entire salary on rent in substandard accommodation... with a baby on the way we are certainly considering leaving again. Subsidised childcare, reasonable rent and free healthcare are realities in other European countries. We'll just have to see how it goes. Good luck!

Emme

OP it's good that you and your husband feel the same way. Don't burn your bridges with New York. I know I should probably tell you to give it another few months or a year but rural Ireland is very hard to break into even after years. Even for locals who have been away for a good few years and come back.

You might be happier in your big town outside Dublin but property prices might make it impossible to move there.

A colleague moved back to Ireland from NY in 2008 because she thought Ireland was doing well. She put her savings into a house in her rural home town. Unfortunately the crash happened shortly after. Despite having had a successful career in NY she couldn't reach anything near the same level in Ireland and no employers here took her experience and drive over there into account. She found that hard work and initiative is not rewarded in Ireland and it's all nudge nudge wink wink and who you know. She didn't get back to NY because of a family situation but she still regrets moving back to Ireland. She is now stuck in Ireland and in negative equity with her house to boot.

Some people might advise you to wait until the children are in school and that you might be more accepted in community then. Is it worth waiting that long and risking getting stuck in Ireland? At the end of the day you want to give your children the best possible chance in life. Where do you think this is, rural Ireland or NY?

LegacyUser

Thank you for taking the time to respond x

cruel_barber

Emme wrote: »

OP it's good that you and your husband feel the same way. Don't burn your bridges with New York. I know I should probably tell you to give it another few months or a year but rural Ireland is very hard to break into even after years. Even for locals who have been away for a good few years and come back.

You might be happier in your big town outside Dublin but property prices might make it impossible to move there.

A colleague moved back to Ireland from NY in 2008 because she thought Ireland was doing well. She put her savings into a house in her rural home town. Unfortunately the crash happened shortly after. Despite having had a successful career in NY she couldn't reach anything near the same level in Ireland and no employers here took her experience and drive over there into account. She found that hard work and initiative is not rewarded in Ireland and it's all nudge nudge wink wink and who you know. She didn't get back to NY because of a family situation but she still regrets moving back to Ireland. She is now stuck in Ireland and in negative equity with her house to boot.

Some people might advise you to wait until the children are in school and that you might be more accepted in community then. Is it worth waiting that long and risking getting stuck in Ireland? At the end of the day you want to give your children the best possible chance in life. Where do you think this is, rural Ireland or NY?

shame no one pulled that lady aside and explained to her that rural ireland is not remotely a meritocracy , its all about who you know , clannishness

Airyfairy12

Its hard, when you live in a place with decent, regular, consistent and reasonably priced public transport, where people are open to inviting new people into their circle, jobs are plenty and there are 101 things to do on a daily bases to a place where transport is a total rip off and the service may as well be none existent for all its worth, the people are friendly as long youre not doing too well for yourself or expect anything from them like a favor or god forbid a friendship and literally everything is run of the mill, even down to the food you can buy in a shop and theres nothing to do but go for a walk or go the pub. We only realise how backward, expensive and ridiculous this country is when we head abroad.

kerryjack

School and getting involved in your local gaa and other local clubs gets you in to the community. It takes a while like years not months. but of course chances are your kids will head back to states anyway and leave ye twigling yer tumbs it's a hard one .I was away for a while myself and came home and put a lot of time and effort into my own place and I am not going to leave it too handy

Emme

kerryjack wrote: »

It takes a while like years not months.

After those years the OP and her family may find that rural life really isn't for them. Unfortunately those same years may be wasted in terms of career advancement so they may not be able to up sticks and go back to NY. Better to go back sooner rather than later if that is what they want.

cruel_barber wrote: »

shame no one pulled that lady aside and explained to her that rural ireland is not remotely a meritocracy , its all about who you know, clannishness

She was commuting to Dublin for her job in education. After a while she rented out her house in a country town so she could houseshare in Dublin and do a Masters in the evenings. She did well but employers took no notice of her Masters - she might as well not have done it. She said that she would have got far more recognition for it in the US.

MartyMcFly84

What I will say it does take time to re-adjust.

I moved back after being 6 years abroad, after about a month I starting feeling like I had made big mistake. I went from living in a lovely apartment with great weather outside to a very small and old box apartment with a bed room, kitchen a tiny toilet for about the same money.

My original plan for coming back didn't work out, and I felt i had made a big mistake moving away from friends and a happy place, to somewhere i had no money or friends, living in darkness and bad weather.

It was about 18 months until I felt i had made the right decision, my life improved dramatically. I am now 4 years back and think it was the best decision for me , had I stayed where I was abroad I dont think my life would have changed much, but putting myself in a bit of adversity forced me to make improvements and adapt.

ginandtonicsky

Of course it's a big adjustment and I think because you're from Ireland and probably grew up here, your expectations are a bit skewed about how big of an adjustment it will be. You think you'll fit back in seamlessly and everyone will be ecstatic to have you around, they'll be knocking your door down trying to see you regularly and all the rest of it.

Think about it though. You've moved from one of the biggest and most bustling cities in the world to a rural village in the south of a tiny island. You've had eight years of chaotic 24/7 life with everything at your fingertips and a melting pot of cultures and communities, to a very parochial village where everyone is white Catholic and conservative and most people haven't really travelled and have followed the same prescribed life path and treats those that haven't with suspicion in the extreme.

Of course after eight months you still feel uncomfortable. But I think you'd be crazy to leave just a year into what is a major life change. It took me about two years to adjust and I just moved from London to Dublin! I came back because my heart was here and being close to family and friends was a real priority to me. And I had to really put myself out of my comfort zone and get over my own attitude and judgements to really fit back in.

Friends and family have their own lives and responsibilities so it's unfair to expect them to be going out of their way for you. Why not take the initiative and try to organise get-togethers, throw a dinner party or a Sunday roast, pick a hobby and sign up to a club where you can practise it, spend weekends exploring the countryside and taking the kids away on family excursions. There's lots of things you can do here to really give your life in Ireland a better shot, so that if you do end up deciding to leave again, at least you won't have any niggling regrets about it in years to come.

Big Bag of Chips

Once your children start school you will meet so many others. Every village in Ireland now has its fair share of 'blow-ins'. So you will certainly meet people who also know nobody else. But you have to put yourself forward. Nobody will come and take your hand. There is so much for children to do. I know yours are small, so they won't be involved in sports, or activities as such yet, but when they start school you'll start hearing of the various activities that are on, hurling, camogie, soccer, music, art, drama, singing, not to mention the endless birthday parties (which are a great place for getting to know other parents). It's very easy when you're stuck in a rut to say "there's nothing I can do about this", but there's always something that can be done. Always. You might have to look further afield than your little village though.

kunst nugget

Airyfairy12 wrote: »

Its hard, when you live in a place with decent, regular, consistent and reasonably priced public transport, where people are open to inviting new people into their circle, jobs are plenty and there are 101 things to do on a daily bases to a place where transport is a total rip off and the service may as well be none existent for all its worth, the people are friendly as long youre not doing too well for yourself or expect anything from them like a favor or god forbid a friendship and literally everything is run of the mill, even down to the food you can buy in a shop and theres nothing to do but go for a walk or go the pub. We only realise how backward, expensive and ridiculous this country is when we head abroad.

Tbh, I wouldn't want to be friends with someone who had such a low opinion of the people around them.

Electric Sheep

kerryjack wrote: »

School and getting involved in your local gaa and other local clubs gets you in to the community. It takes a while like years not months. but of course chances are your kids will head back to states anyway and leave ye twigling yer tumbs it's a hard one .I was away for a while myself and came home and put a lot of time and effort into my own place and I am not going to leave it too handy

Part of the problem in rural Ireland the that the gaa is pretty much the only social outlet in many villages.

Big Bag of Chips

Luckily, most people have cars. So you really shouldn't be confined to your small village. There's usually a bigger town/city within a car drive away, or a neighbouring village that might have a club you could join. Honestly, OP, there are so many clubs and organisations now that you should be spoiled for choice. There are sports teams, if you're not particularly sporty there are also teams aimed specifically at mothers as a social outlet. (Gaelic 4 mothers and others for example). There are drama groups, musical societies, scouts, various groups or various interests, knitting, hiking, canoeing, cycling, running, book clubs etc. Most towns have theatres with all sorts of entertainment provided.

It really is only laziness to claim there is 'nothing to do'. There is plenty to do if you put a bit of effort in to finding something.

kerryjack

Ya I totally agree with last poster don't get in to a rut of going down to same local at the same time every Saturday or Sunday night meeting the same people talking the same sit. Move out and about and keep them gessing chin up and looking good that's the way to live in rural ireland

Ursus Horribilis

Many people who live in rural areas go further afield for things to do. I'm from the countryside and driving everywhere is a way of life. You'll do certain things in your own area but the nearest big town also becomes part of your sphere.

Graces7

OP. adjusting to any new place takes time. How long dd it take when you first moved to the US?

Especially rural. Yes everyone knows each other. That is actually a plus . A superficial hail fellow well met acceptance is meaningless?

I moved to a small island here 10 months ago. Just starting to feel I belong. And I am used to deep rural... other newbies have grumbled that the people are not friendly. It is not that It is a question also in a small place of privacy . Living so close and cut off ,privacy and personal space matter. Mine is respected and I
respect the privacy of others. would not dream of dropping in on neighbours. When we meet outside that is grand...

Think of it as a foreign land with a different language. As it is.

Above all as others are saying, time.

Irish_ash

Electric Sheep wrote: »

Part of the problem in rural Ireland the that the gaa is pretty much the only social outlet in many villages.

That is so true its all hurling here at the bottom of the school books list is hurley and helmet. My little fella god love him he tries to fit in bit he is just getting in the way of the other boys really i dont think its for him after hurling we are not left with much options and when my girl gets older i dont know what she will be doing there is no swimming pool in our nearest town nearest one is 40 min away and they have a waiting list until march for kids swimming lessons

Irish_ash

It really is only laziness to claim there is 'nothing to do'. There is plenty to do if you put a bit of effort in to finding something.[/quote]



It really is only laziness to claim there is 'nothing to do'. There is plenty to do if you put a bit of effort in to finding something.[/quote]

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Luckily, most people have cars. So you really shouldn't be confined to your small village. There's usually a bigger town/city within a car drive away, or a neighbouring village that might have a club you could join. Honestly, OP, there are so many clubs and organisations now that you should be spoiled for choice. There are sports teams, if you're not particularly sporty there are also teams aimed specifically at mothers as a social outlet. (Gaelic 4 mothers and others for example). There are drama groups, musical societies, scouts, various groups or various interests, knitting, hiking, canoeing, cycling, running, book clubs etc. Most towns have theatres with all sorts of entertainment provided.

It really is only laziness to claim there is 'nothing to do'. There is plenty to do if you put a bit of effort in to finding something.

You obviously live in a big city or town dont sit there and call me lazy.

Let me tell you All the numerious amounts of activities i have to enroll my children in down here.

Firstly my house is right on the village hurling field i am here since Christmas the only team thats been training on the hurling field is the senior men i have not seen one training session for girls or boys on that field since Christmas. So i drove to a neighboring village and started him with hurling there. My son has moved home from the states he never held a hurly stick so he way less advanced than the other boys and do you know how sad it makes me feel knowing when we pull up to the training field to see the other boys look so disappointed that my son has arrived.

Secondly the nearest swimming pool
Is 40 minutes away i called them in February to start swimming lessons they told me there will be no available leasons until march 2019 what do you do then?

Thirdly A new gym opened in the town and i heard they are doing gymnastics for children got in my car drove to the place only to be told
There is a two year waiting list.

There is a rugby club in the town drove to them
They dont take kids until the age of 6 so he too young.

There is a music fusion class and guess what thats full our names on a waiting list.

Looked into irish dancing guess what none in my near by town class is 40 mins away

Id love to do canoeing but guess what we dont have a river

Gealic for mothers dont make me laugh i cant even find a mother toddlers group to bring my one year old to.

Would love to join a book club but the only libary around here is one that has wheels and pulls into the village once every two weeks.

The recession is still very present down this part of the country it’s actually very sad to see it i am originally from a very big town outside dublin and if i did live up there omg there would be so much for the kids to do but im not im here and this is my experience so far i did not put my post up to get opinions from narrow minded people like yourself open your eyes this is real and its happening yes in Ireland

Big Bag of Chips

My 'lazy' comment was more in reply to the posters who told you that you're right, there's nothing to do and no way to ever integrate into the local area.

I live in rural Ireland and always have done apart from a short stint in a city. I know far more people and do far more in the rural area (that I moved in to as a blow in, and my husband was a blow in so we literally knew nobody) than I ever did in the big city. I have very good friends who I can regularly call on for a favour, and who I regularly do favours for.

You say both your children are under 4. I'm not sure what hurling club is taking children under 4, but I really can't see other under 4 children being disappointed that another under 4 year old doesn't have the same skill level as them.

You are obviously angry at the lack of facilities in your area, and that is understandable but your children are under 4.. so you have plenty of time to add their names to those waiting lists you talk of. They won't really be old enough to fully participate in the classes until then anyway.

You seem determined to not want to fit in, in your husband's village. It might definitely be worth moving elsewhere. Be that back to New York, or maybe to a different town or village in Ireland. Maybe closer to the town that is 40 mins away? That way he is still close to his family (if that's important) and you are also closer to a town.

Edit: you could look into starting your own Gaelic 4 mothers and others. Funnily enough, I drive almost 40 minutes to the one I attend

Graces7

OP I honestly think you are trying too hard? But then I am way out of touch and had no idea small kids could be involved in so many things.. Forgive me!

OK so you know now what there is NOT! Do your neighbours have young children? Can they play with them, maybe at your house or theirs? Think small? What do other kids there do? Not organised activities.... apart from that

Use what little IS there? There are not going to be the organised activities; how could there be in such a small setting? No not laziness but needs a lateral view.

Maybe too think if there are activities YOU could organise?


The village will not change so I think you need to? And that is not a criticism. Far from it. I do not think this is anything to do with the recession either.

Just a very different place from what you are used to. Different scale

Big Bag of Chips

Irish_ash wrote: »

Gealic for mothers dont make me laugh i cant even find a mother toddlers group to bring my one year old to.

Start your own toddler group. Is there a parish hall? Put up a few notices, spread the word. I started one in my area. We had to give it up because we weren't getting enough people to cover the cost of the hall, but we met other mammies who we now know and arrange to meet up with anyway. The children play and the mothers drink tea and natter. Sometimes we meet up in a park, playground. Sometimes we organise days out and could drive an hour away to go somewhere. We live in the South and organised a trip to Tayto Park one time.

Would love to join a book club but the only libary around here is one that has wheels and pulls into the village once every two weeks.

Start your own. Go to the mobile library and ask advice. Ask them could you order 4-5 of the same book. How amazing that the books would be delivered to your village, rather than you having to go elsewhere to get them. Then arrange a few like minded people to meet up in each other's houses, or the parish hall, or a corner of the lounge in the local pub. A book club doesn't have to be in a library.

kerryjack

Sean og Ohalpin his mother from fijan and his father from leitrim was one of the greatest Cork Hurlers that cork has ever produced his mother could have said I don't think Hurley is for him. OP your deffenetly a glass half empty person and if you move back to the states you will be the same there. There is loads of opportunities for everyone in this country all you have to do is find a way

kunst nugget

Your kids are under 4 so there really isn't a whole pile of activities you're going to realistically be able to do with them and like a poster said, I sincerely doubt a bunch of kids that age are going to be crestfallen at the standard of another child's hurling ability. You said they're on waiting lists until March 2019 - they are still going to be under 5 at that point, it's hardly that big a problem.

You said in your original post that it seems that nobody has adjusted their lives to include you in it. Not trying to sound cruel but why should they? I moved from Dublin down to a smaller town in the midlands and it took a couple of years to adjust - mainly because I was commuting and because I was focused on time with my children when I wasn't. I've built up friends in the area over the years and I have a decent social life here and we're close to both sides of our family which is great for our kids. Friendships didn't happen overnight though and there was no red carpet rolled out.

The social structure we had in Dublin before we left has evaporated as most of the people we hung out with disappeared to various bolt holes around the country as they married and had kids themselves. I'm happy where we settled and wouldn't dream of moving back to Dublin in a million years.

Irish_ash

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

My 'lazy' comment was more in reply to the posters who told you that you're right, there's nothing to do and no way to ever integrate into the local area.

I live in rural Ireland and always have done apart from a short stint in a city. I know far more people and do far more in the rural area (that I moved in to as a blow in, and my husband was a blow in so we literally knew nobody) than I ever did in the big city. I have very good friends who I can regularly call on for a favour, and who I regularly do favours for.

You say both your children are under 4. I'm not sure what hurling club is taking children under 4, but I really can't see other under 4 children being disappointed that another under 4 year old doesn't have the same skill level as them.

You are obviously angry at the lack of facilities in your area, and that is understandable but your children are under 4.. so you have plenty of time to add their names to those waiting lists you talk of. They won't really be old enough to fully participate in the classes until then anyway.

You seem determined to not want to fit in, in your husband's village. It might definitely be worth moving elsewhere. Be that back to New York, or maybe to a different town or village in Ireland. Maybe closer to the town that is 40 mins away? That way he is still close to his family (if that's important) and you are also closer to a town.

Edit: you could look into starting your own Gaelic 4 mothers and others. Funnily enough, I drive almost 40 minutes to the one I attend

Well the training he goes to is under 6 they took him in i guess he under 6 right he is 4 and a half i just want him to meet new kids and make friends.

Big Bag of Chips

And he will. I take it he is starting school in September.

I think you are seeing things that are not there. I have trained U6s, and there were kids who came from families of hurlers and there were kids who had to be taught how to hold a hurley. All of them got on fine at training, because most 6 year olds are just there to have a bit of fun. So it's unlikely these kids are all naturally gifted hurlers who are rising and soloing the ball the length of the field and excluding your son because he can't do it. At U6 level there's usually a fairly even split of children who get stuck in, and children who stand in their position swinging the hurley having a chat to the person 'marking' them.

Airyfairy12

Airyfairy12 wrote: »

Its hard, when you live in a place with decent, regular, consistent and reasonably priced public transport, where people are open to inviting new people into their circle, jobs are plenty and there are 101 things to do on a daily bases to a place where transport is a total rip off and the service may as well be none existent for all its worth, the people are friendly as long youre not doing too well for yourself or expect anything from them like a favor or god forbid a friendship and literally everything is run of the mill, even down to the food you can buy in a shop and theres nothing to do but go for a walk or go the pub. We only realise how backward, expensive and ridiculous this country is when we head abroad.

I would completely disagree with everything you have written. Ireland is probably the best place in the world to live for many reasons.

Airyfairy12

Jenny Immense Latch wrote: »

I would completely disagree with everything you have written. Ireland is probably the best place in the world to live for many reasons.

Ireland has allot going for it but when you move from a big city with everything at your finger tips to rural ireland were transport is near non existent and everything is over priced and run of the mill, its hard.

Big Bag of Chips

AiryFairy12, public transport and the cost of living is not an issue the OP is looking for advice on. Stick to offering advice on the issue in hand or don't post.