Losing attraction to my partner

ginandtonicsky

I'd say you should line up some counselling sessions to properly deal with the residual issues you've got from your previous relationship. Obviously you're still dealing with a lot of anxiety and that may be bleeding into how you feel about your current girlfriend.

Compared to your ex it's obviously a minor issue, but an issue nonetheless. If your girlfriend gained a lot of weight you'd probably be put off too for example, something that's also "minor" but that may well kill attraction and spell the end for you. Attraction is a pretty fundamental part of the package and without that you're just mates really.

A lot of guys say they "don't like makeup" and "prefer the natural look". In actual fact what they mean is they don't like that OTT, high maintenance heading-to-a-club heavy makeup look and they prefer something a little more understated. It doesn't mean zero effort and walking around without looking into a mirror all day. I'd notice a definite drop-off in male attention when I fall out of bed and make zero effort, versus a bit of makeup and thoughtful consideration about what to wear, so I think your feelings and how it's playing into your attraction to her is probably fairly standard.

What you have to figure out is how much this bothers you now, if it's an issue that will grow or that will fade over time and if a groomed appearance and bit of effort is a "nice to have" rather than a "need to have" for you in a relationship.

NinetyTwoTeam

OP you've mentioned 'making subtle suggestions', I honestly would advise against that. No matter how subtle you think you can be it is likely to hurt her feelings. This is just based on my own experience.

I was in a LTR with a girl who had her hair in a short bob when we started going out and it looked really cute on her. After a few years, due to several issues, I became less attracted to her. (Mostly bc she was always picking fights.)

She noticed me 'going off her', it became yet another thing to fight about, compunding the problem.

During those years we were together she also happened to grow her hair long. This wasn't the reason I had become less attracted to her, though. like i said, it was the constant bickering/nagging. But one day we were looking at old pictures and I said something about how I really liked her old haircut.

A few days later I came home and she had cut her hair short again. Now, I liked the haircut and told her so, but I felt absolutely effin rotten that the poor girl had thought she had to do that to make me more attracted to her. She didn't - she was pretty either way, and it didn't solve the other issues we had. We ended up breaking up anyway after one really bad fight.

Now, you don't have that problem as you say you get along well. So I would say either jusr admit you aren't attracted to her anymore and let her go,
OR
admit that you are just having a bit of a grass is always greener type thing or seven year itch type thing that you shouldn't act on because you have a lovely partner who you get on with.

There's no guarantee that those glammed up girls in the summer dresses are going to be lining up to date you, and if you break up with her you could find yourself alone this cold winter thinking 'What I wouldn't give to cuddle up to those old tracksuit bottoms this evening!'

But it's a tough one in fairness. For me, a girl's personal style is usually a big part of what attracts me to them. I don't like the type who look like Instagram wannabe models - overly done up, fake tan, mounds of makeup, drawn on eyebrows, etc. But I also wouldn't be attracted to someone who never makes any effort or doesn't have any style at all.

Do you think what you desire has changed more or how she dresses has changed more?

Mainly just sounds like you're bored. It happens in LTR's. But you say you get on well, she IS actually attractive, and those two things, plus her not being a high maintenance wee princess type... that's not something I'd advise taking for granted. In fact she sounds like a pretty sweet deal.

And the whole making suggestions thing, again, I'd be careful there. First thing that happens is she feels rotten that her bf doesn't like how she looks. Then if she does try and change it you will feel like a turd for forcing her to. IME

professore

Really I think if the attraction isn't there it isn't there. It will lead to a lot of misery down the line. There are lots of rational reasons why the OP should be attracted to this woman, but he just isn't. Rational doesn't come into attraction.

My theory is that it's not really about the clothes per se, it's more that she bores him. That's fine too.

Try to find a woman who you ARE attracted to and who is attracted to you who isn't a headwreck - as you seem to attract those types.

kermitpwee

coralreefed wrote: »

Head over heels? No. I’ve a lot of respect for her and I do love her. I was head over heels once or twice when I was a lot younger and naive. Ended in tears. Can I live without her? Of course I can, what kind of question is that? I’d like to think I’m more level headed and rational these days.

You answered it, well done. You love her and respect her.
Now that you love her and respect her you won't be worried about her clothes/make up etc will you?
Love is irrational no matter what age you are.
There are plenty of people out there in mutually beneficial relationships like you and it works, true love is hard to find.
Your in this relationship as it's easy, there is no fear like your last relationship.
If you loved her what she wears wouldn't bother you.
You have described a pretty good woman tbh.
You are the problem not her, your perception of her attire is your problem not hers.
You do need counseling so please get it.
I can't imagine the abuse you received in your last relationship and the effect it has had on you.
You have a lot to be proud of. You have survived an abusive relationship and got yourself into a very good one.
I may sound very critical, my aim is for you to look inside yourself (ideally with professional help, as it can be frightening to do it on your own) rather than outside for the answers, especially in this case.
Your a nice bloke good luck with the future.

daithi7

Imminently Breaking up, Counselling, etc are all options sure but they strike me as over reactions here for the mo.

The issue: you feel you're losing the attraction to your gf and you think of she made a bit more effort you might fancy her more, or it might spark it up a bit, etc.

Perfectly reasonable imho. My advice is gift your gf a spa /makeover sometime soon and maybe buy her a dress /blouse /underwear that you think would be nice on her and that you would find attractive on her.

Then see if she likes these, see if you like her in them, out of them, etc and if the answer to both is a yes, then ye have something ye can work on, but if the answer is a no to either, I'd say ye do not and let her down gently and move on.

What we find attractive in another person doesn't stay static, relationships are not by their nature static, at least if ye're both m moving in the same direction ye may have J hope but when one is moving in a different direction to the other and is finding that frustrating to the point of affecting attraction then that's something that must be acted on imho. The above are my suggested actions but they are only suggestions... The future is yours.

ElizaBennett

Attraction and relationships can be very very complicated. For instance I really hate when my bf shaves his beard off and he knows it at this stage as I just can't hide my reaction. I find him incredibly handsome and fanciable with the beard and it's really not the same without it - he looks like a different person. I also fancy him a little less when he's let his hair grow too long. When he's coiffed the way I like and wearing clothes I like I can't keep my hands off him but it's the opposite when he hasn't bothered. I don't know if it's symbolic of his commitment when he makes an effort or if it really is purely superficial but it is what it is. We're very very happy and never fight seriously and have an amazing sex life and lots of fun but I'm sure on paper my feelings about his appearance don't sound right. I make a lot of effort to look good myself and I know he really appreciates this.
I totally get where you're coming from but I don't know what the answer is. Communicating about it has worked for us. Possibly my bf has felt a little hurt about the beard thing ('that's my face you're talking about!' lol) but we're overall so happy that it's worth a bit of work on his part.

Green&Red

I don’t get how people say you can’t ask someone to change for you. You absolutely can and IMO should. Nobody is perfect, when I started going out with my GF there were things that I did that annoyed her and things she did that annoyed me but once they were out there then it was up to the other person to put the effort in to not do that annoying thing.
It’s hard to have a chat like that but she sounds laid back and sounds like she’ll take it in the manner it’s meant if it’s worded right.
It’s not like you’re saying she has a sh!te sense of humour, it’s clothes.
There is nothing worse than being in a relationship where you dont fancy the other person.
For what it’s worth it sounds like you still fancy (I mean physically fancy) your ex and no amount of changing clothes will let you fancy this girl more

woodchuck

G&R, we're not talking about changing an annoying habit here such as leaving the cap off the toothpaste. Trying to control what someone else wears is just that - controlling.

OP losing attraction after just a year is very worrying. It sounds like you wanted someone on the total opposite end of the spectrum to your ex, which is understandable. However it's also understandable that now that some time has passed, you're actually realising there were things you liked about your ex that you'd also like in a new partner. I don't think it's reasonable to ask your current girlfriend to change however - she's obviously very comfortable with how she looks and dresses. If you're not attracted to her though, it might be time to move on and figure out what it is that you're actually looking for in a relationship.

Green&Red

woodchuck wrote: »

G&R, we're not talking about changing an annoying habit here such as leaving the cap off the toothpaste. Trying to control what someone else wears is just that - controlling.

OP losing attraction after just a year is very worrying. It sounds like you wanted someone on the total opposite end of the spectrum to your ex, which is understandable. However it's also understandable that now that some time has passed, you're actually realising there were things you liked about your ex that you'd also like in a new partner. I don't think it's reasonable to ask your current girlfriend to change however - she's obviously very comfortable with how she looks and dresses. If you're not attracted to her though, it might be time to move on and figure out what it is that you're actually looking for in a relationship.

I wouldn't agree, it sounds like this girl doesn't place a massive importance on clothes so she might not place a massive insult on it being brought up?
As an example I always wore check shirts, GF hates them, has transitioned me out of them, i'll still go back to them the odd time but if it makes her happy then I don't really care, its not important enough to me. I would certainly never consider it controlling.
Having said that I've no doubt if I ignored it she'd still fancy me

This might be a stupid question but do you work at the physical side of it? Attraction fades if you don't work at it. All those nights you go to bed tired and instead of putting the move on you kiss good night and roll over, that'll stick over time. You won't feel like ripping off each others clothes all the time, lots of times you have to get over tiredness or a **** day or whatever but its always worth it afterwards

sbsquarepants

Sounds to me OP like the previous one was such a head wrecker you just wanted the exact opposite - now you're realising you've over corrected and you want to swing back towards the centre a bit.

professore

woodchuck wrote: »

G&R, we're not talking about changing an annoying habit here such as leaving the cap off the toothpaste. Trying to control what someone else wears is just that - controlling.

There's a big difference in forcing her to wear certain clothes and expressing a preference. Maybe she has no sense of style and would be delighted with the advice. I think some people are a bit too quick to play the controlling card.

LegacyUser

daithi7 wrote: »

This x 100.
She sounds very lazy & complacent imho. Tbh, whether she knows this or not, she I'd taking her bf for granted here.

Sorry but just because someone doesn't wear make up or spend hours doing their hair does not mean they are lazy. the OP's GF sounds like me. I own no make-up and wear tomboy clothes 99% of the time. I'm certainly not lazy or complacent, I just know what I like and what I want to spend my money on. Even a basic wash cut and blow dry at the hairdresser can set you back 50euro+ Money I'd rather spend on going out and enjoying myself.

Sounds like the OP went for this girl because she was the exact opposite of his ex but now the rebound haze has lifted he sees that he really wants someone more like his ex.

LegacyUser

Trust me, I don't want anything resembling my ex. You're all way off the mark there. There's nothing attractive about someone pulling clumps of your hair out when they have a few drinks!
Anyway an update on this. I don't know why I was feeling how I was feeling but things are a lot better now. I went on holidays for a few weeks on my own and really missed her. When I got home I was delighted to see her and she looked amazing.
So I don't know... I guess there are ups and downs in relationships and I was just having second thoughts for a while, but I really think this is as good as it can get for me, she's so level headed and I trust her completely and she actually makes me a better person all round.

LegacyUser

I think the OP is getting a hard time. Attraction is important no matter who you are. I'm not at all into girls who wear lots of makeup and get fully dressed up. In fact, the girl in question sounds great to me but I think recognising your attributes and dressing accordingly is something that everyone can do.

My longest relationship was with a girl who wasn't stunning, rarely wore makeup and never spent much on clothes at all but always managed to look 'herself'. I admired her for this trait, she was always well dressed for every occasion. She always got her look right no matter what the setting and it was a real talent. My most recent relationship wasn't very long and a lot of the reason it didn't last was her wardrobe choices. On our first date, we went for a light stroll at a local beauty spot and a coffee and she wore full active wear. It was just such an inappropriate for a casual first date. She wore very cheap clothes always but they looked cheap. She was very attractive but it was just like she never learned the life skill of dressing appropriately.