Losing attraction to my partner

LegacyUser · 02-07-2018 4:05pm #1

I feel bad even writing this but I just wanted another opinion. I met my gf about a year ago and it’s been a lovely year. I was single for 3 years after a 2 year emotionally and physically abusive relationship, so this is the complete opposite of that, she’s very well adjusted and down to earth, so that’s just wonderful. We’ve never had much of a fight and if anything does arise it’s dealt with properly and openly and maturely. Such a breath of fresh air after having my head cut open by flying objects many times with my ex!
Anyway the problem is lately I’m finding myself going off her physically. What I loved about her at the start is becoming an issue. She’s the complete opposite of my vain self obsessed ex. She doesn’t dress up at all, or even get her hair done, or wear any make up, ever. I was never mad on make up anyway. I just feel like she could make some sort of an effort to look good. I try and dress well and keep myself well groomed, but I don’t think she’s been to a hairdresser in years, she just cuts it herself every few months. She has a lovely body but she basically just dresses like a tomboy. I’ve found myself teasing her over these things at times and made myself stop, I don’t want her to feel bad about herself. But at the same time I’m losing attraction to her. I don’t know what to do about this situation. I think fair play to her for not going along with all that’s expected from women nowadays but I’d love if she just made an effort for me. In reality though it’s just who she is, I can’t really see it changing but I find myself checking out other women more and more, especially in this weather. She’s such a sweetheart, I don’t want to hurt her, but it really feels like I’m going off her.
Any advice appreciated.

Mr. Incognito · 02-07-2018 5:03pm

Why dont you take her shopping for clothes as a treat.

If she has a lovely body then I personally wouldnt care what she was wrapped in

tony1kenobi · 02-07-2018 5:59pm

Let her off. A girl who is completely comfortable in her skin won’t have any trouble finding a new friend. She sounds class to me.

professore · 02-07-2018 6:02pm

Sounds like my perfect woman.

Calypso Realm · 02-07-2018 6:08pm

It's strange that what attracted you in the beginning is now in essence repelling you. Normally this tends to happen when one partner changes physically ie by putting on weight, dressing less well etc

JackTaylorFan · 02-07-2018 6:44pm

Sounds like you are asking for permission to dump her for a shot at some girl you fancy the look of in short shorts.

I get it, if the attraction ain't there, it ain't there... But it kinda makes me wonder how you ended up with her at all... Rebound, perhaps?

Calypso Realm · 02-07-2018 6:44pm

Actually I'm wondering, if even subconsciously, you're (or part of you is) missing the 'excitement' of your former, albeit highly dysfunctional, relationship. Or at least some elements of it!

JackTaylorFan · 02-07-2018 6:46pm

Calypso Realm wrote: »

Actually I'm wondering, if even subconsciously, you're (or part of you is) missing the 'excitement' of your former, albeit highly dysfunctional, relationship. Or at least some elements of it!

Comparing old GF with current would suggest the same to me.

shakeitoff · 02-07-2018 6:47pm

Honestly, how actual attractive is she(in your opinion) I think it's great when a girl dresses nice but I've never really been attracted to a girls style to be honest. You either find them attractive or not.

LegacyUser · 02-07-2018 9:19pm

Looks like your looking for an excuse to end it/not find her attractive. She was always this way it’s not as if she once dressed up to the nines and now isn’t arsed. You fancied her before, nothing has changed on her part, nothing should change on her part she’s clearly comfortable in own skin, issue is yours and yours alone. End it, plenty of folk will find her very attractive for who and how she is.

LegacyUser · 05-07-2018 2:30pm

Well I don't want to break up with her. I just had a google for this kind of thing and all I got back was tonnes of articles of women complaining about their scruffy partners. It's the other way around, everyone advising how to drop hints etc. I think this thread would be similar if it was a female posting about a male. The thing is she did try a bit when we were first dating. I don't think this is a deal breaker for me, but I just wish she tried a bit.

WIZWEB · 05-07-2018 7:09pm

Good suggestions above. Just to add during a toxic relationship we often become subconsciously addicted to their dramas and bond to them through this trauma. Though you've left it behind like I did mine we often find issues in new partners and can find various faults in 'normal' people. In fact unless addressed we can even find them boring but we can make excuses. She sounds like a great woman to have by your side and that's coming from a gay bloke. If you've not did counselling after your previous emotionally and physically abusive relationship then I would suggest you do a few sessions before making up your mind on your current relationship.

ginandtonicsky · 06-07-2018 9:00pm

I’m trying to think of the reverse of this and I think it would annoy me if my fella made absolutely no effort with his appearance. Especially as I take pride in mine. I’d find it hard after some time to be continuously looking lovely for him and he wasn’t making half of an effort, wearing the same old scruffy t-shirt etc. I mean there’s bigger problems in life of course, but I can see where you’re coming from OP.

I think there is a middleground between your vain self obsessed ex and your tomboy girlfriend. Most women are the middleground. Bit of makeup, skincare, interested in fashion, hair salon semi regularly but nothing that keeps them awake at night.

The way I see it you have two options,

1. Accept her as she is. Accept that this is how you met her and nothing has changed, only your preference for someone a bit more groomed and “girly”, for want of a better word. Decide whether or not this is a dealbreaker

2. Say something. Full disclosure, I’d really like if you made a bit more of an effort with your appearance. I’m sure there’s more constructive ways of doing it than that. Maybe take her shopping. What are her female friends like? Do you have a sister that could take her on a night out, have a bit more fun with it?

Realistically I don’t think she’s going to change and I think option 1 is what you should focus on

ginandtonicsky · 06-07-2018 9:00pm

I’m trying to think of the reverse of this and I think it would annoy me if my fella made absolutely no effort with his appearance. Especially as I take pride in mine. I’d find it hard after some time to be continuously looking lovely for him and he wasn’t making half of an effort, wearing the same old scruffy t-shirt etc. I mean there’s bigger problems in life of course, but I can see where you’re coming from OP.

I think there is a middleground between your vain self obsessed ex and your tomboy girlfriend. Most women are the middleground. Bit of makeup, skincare, interested in fashion, hair salon semi regularly but nothing that keeps them awake at night.

The way I see it you have two options,

1. Accept her as she is. Accept that this is how you met her and nothing has changed, only your preference for someone a bit more groomed and “girly”, for want of a better word. Decide whether or not this is a dealbreaker

2. Say something. Full disclosure, I’d really like if you made a bit more of an effort with your appearance. I’m sure there’s more constructive ways of doing it than that. Maybe take her shopping. What are her female friends like? Do you have a sister that could take her on a night out, have a bit more fun with it?

Realistically I don’t think she’s going to change and I think option 1 is what you should focus on

ginandtonicsky · 06-07-2018 9:00pm

Double post sorry

leggo · 07-07-2018 8:40am

I get it OP. I went out on a date with someone not too long ago who didn’t wear make-up, didn’t dress up etc, and I felt like a dick for even thinking it because I wouldn’t consider myself materialistic, but I went to female friends I have almost for permission to not continue dating her.

Here’s the thing: you knew this going in though. It wouldn’t be fair if I kept seeing this girl then later asked her to change, in fact it’s not a million miles off emotional abuse to get with someone and then slowly try change them into the person you want them to be.

Now you did say in a follow up that she made a bit of an effort at the start. So what is it: is it that she doesn’t dress or make herself up conventionally in general or that she doesn’t do it anymore now you’ve been together a while? If it’s the latter, I feel there’s a scope for bringing it up, as it is important to continue to make an effort for your partner even after it’s gone on a while. If it’s the former then I’m afraid you just need to accept her for who she is and ask yourself if you’d want to be with someone who thought about you the way you think about her. I personally wouldn’t and I don’t think she would either. So let her go find someone who can accept her in that case.

dellas1979 · 07-07-2018 4:25pm

You can discuss this with her. But I do not think it is fair to expect her to change for you. She is who she is. If she changes, it should be for herself (and should be the best thing for herself), not under a threat that you dont find her attractive.

I dont get this "Ill get into a relationship and they try change them" milarkey.

It might also open up a discussion on what she doesnt like about you.

strandroad · 07-07-2018 5:10pm

coralreefed wrote: »

Well I don't want to break up with her. I just had a google for this kind of thing and all I got back was tonnes of articles of women complaining about their scruffy partners. It's the other way around, everyone advising how to drop hints etc. I think this thread would be similar if it was a female posting about a male. The thing is she did try a bit when we were first dating. I don't think this is a deal breaker for me, but I just wish she tried a bit.

There is a world of difference between scruffy and what you're describing OP if I'm getting it right though. Scruffy means unkempt, in worn out clothes, badly fitting or old shoes etc. Your girlfriend as you describe her only forgoes beauty treatments or styling and dresses simply - or is she truly scruffy as in neglect/hygiene sense? In my book these are two very different situations?

redfox123 · 08-07-2018 12:40pm

She is who she is. It sounds like you would prefer someone more feminine and that is completely natural. Part of dating and the excitement of being with someone is the buzz of seeing them and feeling that attraction especially at the start. I'm not a man but I can certainly understand how it would bother you that she makes no effort for you, men are visual and are attracted to feminine women. That doesn't mean loads of make up or being high maintenance or anything but looks are part of the natural attraction between a couple, and keeping yourself looking good will keep your partner attracted. Now as other posters have said its not fair to try change her but it sounds like she's the one who changed and now doesn't make an effort like at the start so you can of course mention that you really like when she does herself up sometimes, I know this is controversial to say but as OP says women are allowed say it to men that they appreciate an effort.

Emme · 09-07-2018 11:31am

OP you will have to decide if you want a high maintenance partner who is into make-up, clothes, appearance etc. or a naturally attractive but low-maintenance partner who is easy going and doesn't mind not looking like an instagram influencer every day.

For me poor personal hygiene is a deal-breaker but if somebody showers at least once a day and has clean clothes and footwear there is no problem.

13-07-2018 5:59pm

Emme wrote: »

OP you will have to decide if you want a high maintenance partner who is into make-up, clothes, appearance etc. or a naturally attractive but low-maintenance partner who is easy going and doesn't mind not looking like an instagram influencer every day.

For me poor personal hygiene is a deal-breaker but if somebody showers at least once a day and has clean clothes and footwear there is no problem.

You can be easygoing and still make an effort to appear attractive.

The OP’s girlfriend sounds a bit lazy, to be honest. She should make an effort. He does.

daithi7 · 14-07-2018 4:19am

JayZeus wrote: »

You can be easygoing and still make an effort to appear attractive.

The OP’s girlfriend sounds a bit lazy, to be honest. She should make an effort. He does.

This x 100.
She sounds very lazy & complacent imho. Tbh, whether she knows this or not, she I'd taking her bf for granted here.

He makes an effort, looks smart, dresses up for nights out, etc and she does the bare minimum. If it was me unless she was prepared to change her ways with a happy heart, I'd walk.

Growing disinterested &/or u unattracted to someone, not prepared to make even the minimum effort is a sentence, and life is too damn short!!

Daisy78 · 14-07-2018 5:27pm

daithi7 wrote: »

This x 100.
She sounds very lazy & complacent imho. Tbh, whether she knows this or not, she I'd taking her bf for granted here.

He makes an effort, looks smart, dresses up for nights out, etc and she does the bare minimum. If it was me unless she was prepared to change her ways with a happy heart, I'd walk.

Growing disinterested &/or u unattracted to someone, not prepared to make even the minimum effort is a sentence, and life is too damn short!!

But it sounds like she is happy with her appearance? What would you consider making an effort for nights out, loads of makeup , dress and heels? Maybe she is not comfortable with that. From the op's it would appear they are a mismatched couple, he sounds like he is looking for someone more high maintenance like his ex, she sounds like she is perfectly happy with her appearance as it is. Doesn't look like the relationship has much of a future tbh.

blairbear · 15-07-2018 6:07pm

I think people are mixing up being glamorous with being "high maintenance". You can have a laid back, easy going personality and be glamorous. Plenty of women are very polished and well groomed without it affecting the rest of their behaviour. It is a bit strange that people equate outward appearance to certain personality traits. I know some very slovenly men and women who are very tightly wound. You can also be naturally attractive and still love wearing plenty of make up etc.

OP, I think what you want is someone a bit more glam. That's fine. I also would have no interest in dating a man who stayed in a fleece and runners when going to a nice restaurant, while I was all dolled up. But you can't ask her to change for you. If she is happy with her image and style then there isn't much you can say or do.

strandroad · 15-07-2018 6:11pm

blairbear wrote: »

I think people are mixing up being glamorous with being "high maintenance". You can have a laid back, easy going personality and be glamorous. Plenty of women are very polished and well groomed without it affecting the rest of their behaviour. It is a bit strange that people equate outward appearance to certain personality traits. I know some very slovenly men and women who are very tightly wound. You can also be naturally attractive and still love wearing plenty of make up etc.

High maintenance is a phrase that can be applied to anything, not just personality. A car or a garden can be high maintenance if it requires a lot of work and servicing. He would like a girlfriend who invests more money and effort in beauty or styling maintenance that's all.

laserlad2010 · 15-07-2018 9:56pm

strandroad wrote: »

High maintenance is a phrase that can be applied to anything, not just personality. A car or a garden can be high maintenance if it requires a lot of work and servicing. He would like a girlfriend who invests more money and effort in beauty or styling maintenance that's all.

No, that's not what high maintenance means in common parlance. It means someone who is difficult, requires a lot of attention and is often used in a negative sense.

mazwell · 15-07-2018 10:02pm

strandroad wrote: »

High maintenance is a phrase that can be applied to anything, not just personality. A car or a garden can be high maintenance if it requires a lot of work and servicing. He would like a girlfriend who invests more money and effort in beauty or styling maintenance that's all.

High maintenance doesn't have to mean high heels, tan and make up. I'd be low maintenance by those standards, I normally wear no make up and jumpers and jeans but I'd get dressed up if I'm going somewhere fancy.
My best friend and her husband came out for dinner with us one night and I got dressed up and her husband told me I looked stunning and I should always dress like that. That's what he likes and that's how my best friend always is.
My husband is happy enough with me looking like a scruffy person.
Not that I would go near my friends husband obviously but he made it clear that looks are important to him. As they obviously are to you op. It's nothing to be ashamed of, but you can't ask your girlfriend to change the person she is. If she's comfortable being natural, and there's no personal hygiene issues, you accept her as she is or look for someone who likes being dolled up

kermitpwee · 15-07-2018 10:13pm

The op and his girlfriend sound young. What age are these people?
Often what attracts us to our partner in the beginning can become what we despise.
The op doesn't want to hurt her. No talk of love.
I have been in this situation and i don't think he truly loves her so move on for everyone s sake.
Your not a bad person it's just life.

LegacyUser · 16-07-2018 11:04am

kermitpwee wrote: »

The op and his girlfriend sound young. What age are these people?
Often what attracts us to our partner in the beginning can become what we despise.
The op doesn't want to hurt her. No talk of love.
I have been in this situation and i don't think he truly loves her so move on for everyone s sake.
Your not a bad person it's just life.

Yeah I'm really young (I wish), 38 next month. She's 31. No one despises anyone here! We just spent a lovely weekend together. I don't know really, I feel differently now than I did when I posted this thread but yeah I guess I need to reconsider. Maybe I'm just looking for problems or something, because we get on really well and there are no secrets, no trust issues, we've never had a fight...
I'm hardly the most well groomed person myself but I make somewhat of an effort. I could never picture her in makeup, and I never liked makeup anyway, but maybe it wouldn't be unreasonable to make a few subtle suggestions.
I find it odd on these pages that you all suggest breaking up right away when a problem arises? I really don't want to, I'm just worried this might manifest itself in other ways or I'll end up being mean to her. So I'm going to do my utmost to try and accept things for how they, at the end of the day it's not the most important thing in a relationship, whether someone gets dolled up or not.
Someone suggested missing the drama from previous relationship... I've often thought about that myself, but no I definitely don't. I actually think I have PTSD from that relationship. I'm scared I'll bump into her in public and she'll go nuts as she was want to do previously no matter who was around. I still get incredibly nervous and a sick feeling when I think of her, which isn't very often these days. It's been well over 3 years but there's lingering anxiety still. I wonder if I should talk to someone about it?

kermitpwee · 16-07-2018 2:58pm

coralreefed wrote: »

Yeah I'm really young (I wish), 38 next month. She's 31. No one despises anyone here! We just spent a lovely weekend together. I don't know really, I feel differently now than I did when I posted this thread but yeah I guess I need to reconsider. Maybe I'm just looking for problems or something, because we get on really well and there are no secrets, no trust issues, we've never had a fight...
I'm hardly the most well groomed person myself but I make somewhat of an effort. I could never picture her in makeup, and I never liked makeup anyway, but maybe it wouldn't be unreasonable to make a few subtle suggestions.
I find it odd on these pages that you all suggest breaking up right away when a problem arises? I really don't want to, I'm just worried this might manifest itself in other ways or I'll end up being mean to her. So I'm going to do my utmost to try and accept things for how they, at the end of the day it's not the most important thing in a relationship, whether someone gets dolled up or not.
Someone suggested missing the drama from previous relationship... I've often thought about that myself, but no I definitely don't. I actually think I have PTSD from that relationship. I'm scared I'll bump into her in public and she'll go nuts as she was want to do previously no matter who was around. I still get incredibly nervous and a sick feeling when I think of her, which isn't very often these days. It's been well over 3 years but there's lingering anxiety still. I wonder if I should talk to someone about it?

Are you head over heels in love with this girl?
Can you live with out her?
Tbh she sounds like a very good friend rather than a lover.
If she was definitely the one for you, you would know it and wouldn't be on here asking people's opinions.

LegacyUser · 16-07-2018 3:11pm

kermitpwee wrote: »

Are you head over heels in love with this girl?
Can you live with out her?
Tbh she sounds like a very good friend rather than a lover.
If she was definitely the one for you, you would know it and wouldn't be on here asking people's opinions.

Head over heels? No. I’ve a lot of respect for her and I do love her. I was head over heels once or twice when I was a lot younger and naive. Ended in tears. Can I live without her? Of course I can, what kind of question is that? I’d like to think I’m more level headed and rational these days.

Losing attraction to my partner

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