Losing attraction to my partner

LegacyUser

I feel bad even writing this but I just wanted another opinion. I met my gf about a year ago and it’s been a lovely year. I was single for 3 years after a 2 year emotionally and physically abusive relationship, so this is the complete opposite of that, she’s very well adjusted and down to earth, so that’s just wonderful. We’ve never had much of a fight and if anything does arise it’s dealt with properly and openly and maturely. Such a breath of fresh air after having my head cut open by flying objects many times with my ex!
Anyway the problem is lately I’m finding myself going off her physically. What I loved about her at the start is becoming an issue. She’s the complete opposite of my vain self obsessed ex. She doesn’t dress up at all, or even get her hair done, or wear any make up, ever. I was never mad on make up anyway. I just feel like she could make some sort of an effort to look good. I try and dress well and keep myself well groomed, but I don’t think she’s been to a hairdresser in years, she just cuts it herself every few months. She has a lovely body but she basically just dresses like a tomboy. I’ve found myself teasing her over these things at times and made myself stop, I don’t want her to feel bad about herself. But at the same time I’m losing attraction to her. I don’t know what to do about this situation. I think fair play to her for not going along with all that’s expected from women nowadays but I’d love if she just made an effort for me. In reality though it’s just who she is, I can’t really see it changing but I find myself checking out other women more and more, especially in this weather. She’s such a sweetheart, I don’t want to hurt her, but it really feels like I’m going off her.
Any advice appreciated.

Mr. Incognito

Why dont you take her shopping for clothes as a treat.

If she has a lovely body then I personally wouldnt care what she was wrapped in

tony1kenobi

Let her off. A girl who is completely comfortable in her skin won’t have any trouble finding a new friend. She sounds class to me.

professore

Sounds like my perfect woman.

Calypso Realm

It's strange that what attracted you in the beginning is now in essence repelling you. Normally this tends to happen when one partner changes physically ie by putting on weight, dressing less well etc

JackTaylorFan

Sounds like you are asking for permission to dump her for a shot at some girl you fancy the look of in short shorts.

I get it, if the attraction ain't there, it ain't there... But it kinda makes me wonder how you ended up with her at all... Rebound, perhaps?

Calypso Realm

Actually I'm wondering, if even subconsciously, you're (or part of you is) missing the 'excitement' of your former, albeit highly dysfunctional, relationship. Or at least some elements of it!

JackTaylorFan

Calypso Realm wrote: »

Actually I'm wondering, if even subconsciously, you're (or part of you is) missing the 'excitement' of your former, albeit highly dysfunctional, relationship. Or at least some elements of it!

Comparing old GF with current would suggest the same to me.

shakeitoff

Honestly, how actual attractive is she(in your opinion) I think it's great when a girl dresses nice but I've never really been attracted to a girls style to be honest. You either find them attractive or not.

LegacyUser

Looks like your looking for an excuse to end it/not find her attractive. She was always this way it’s not as if she once dressed up to the nines and now isn’t arsed. You fancied her before, nothing has changed on her part, nothing should change on her part she’s clearly comfortable in own skin, issue is yours and yours alone. End it, plenty of folk will find her very attractive for who and how she is.

LegacyUser

Well I don't want to break up with her. I just had a google for this kind of thing and all I got back was tonnes of articles of women complaining about their scruffy partners. It's the other way around, everyone advising how to drop hints etc. I think this thread would be similar if it was a female posting about a male. The thing is she did try a bit when we were first dating. I don't think this is a deal breaker for me, but I just wish she tried a bit.

WIZWEB

Good suggestions above. Just to add during a toxic relationship we often become subconsciously addicted to their dramas and bond to them through this trauma. Though you've left it behind like I did mine we often find issues in new partners and can find various faults in 'normal' people. In fact unless addressed we can even find them boring but we can make excuses. She sounds like a great woman to have by your side and that's coming from a gay bloke. If you've not did counselling after your previous emotionally and physically abusive relationship then I would suggest you do a few sessions before making up your mind on your current relationship.

ginandtonicsky

I’m trying to think of the reverse of this and I think it would annoy me if my fella made absolutely no effort with his appearance. Especially as I take pride in mine. I’d find it hard after some time to be continuously looking lovely for him and he wasn’t making half of an effort, wearing the same old scruffy t-shirt etc. I mean there’s bigger problems in life of course, but I can see where you’re coming from OP.

I think there is a middleground between your vain self obsessed ex and your tomboy girlfriend. Most women are the middleground. Bit of makeup, skincare, interested in fashion, hair salon semi regularly but nothing that keeps them awake at night.

The way I see it you have two options,

1. Accept her as she is. Accept that this is how you met her and nothing has changed, only your preference for someone a bit more groomed and “girly”, for want of a better word. Decide whether or not this is a dealbreaker

2. Say something. Full disclosure, I’d really like if you made a bit more of an effort with your appearance. I’m sure there’s more constructive ways of doing it than that. Maybe take her shopping. What are her female friends like? Do you have a sister that could take her on a night out, have a bit more fun with it?

Realistically I don’t think she’s going to change and I think option 1 is what you should focus on

ginandtonicsky

I’m trying to think of the reverse of this and I think it would annoy me if my fella made absolutely no effort with his appearance. Especially as I take pride in mine. I’d find it hard after some time to be continuously looking lovely for him and he wasn’t making half of an effort, wearing the same old scruffy t-shirt etc. I mean there’s bigger problems in life of course, but I can see where you’re coming from OP.

I think there is a middleground between your vain self obsessed ex and your tomboy girlfriend. Most women are the middleground. Bit of makeup, skincare, interested in fashion, hair salon semi regularly but nothing that keeps them awake at night.

The way I see it you have two options,

1. Accept her as she is. Accept that this is how you met her and nothing has changed, only your preference for someone a bit more groomed and “girly”, for want of a better word. Decide whether or not this is a dealbreaker

2. Say something. Full disclosure, I’d really like if you made a bit more of an effort with your appearance. I’m sure there’s more constructive ways of doing it than that. Maybe take her shopping. What are her female friends like? Do you have a sister that could take her on a night out, have a bit more fun with it?

Realistically I don’t think she’s going to change and I think option 1 is what you should focus on

ginandtonicsky

Double post sorry

leggo

I get it OP. I went out on a date with someone not too long ago who didn’t wear make-up, didn’t dress up etc, and I felt like a dick for even thinking it because I wouldn’t consider myself materialistic, but I went to female friends I have almost for permission to not continue dating her.

Here’s the thing: you knew this going in though. It wouldn’t be fair if I kept seeing this girl then later asked her to change, in fact it’s not a million miles off emotional abuse to get with someone and then slowly try change them into the person you want them to be.

Now you did say in a follow up that she made a bit of an effort at the start. So what is it: is it that she doesn’t dress or make herself up conventionally in general or that she doesn’t do it anymore now you’ve been together a while? If it’s the latter, I feel there’s a scope for bringing it up, as it is important to continue to make an effort for your partner even after it’s gone on a while. If it’s the former then I’m afraid you just need to accept her for who she is and ask yourself if you’d want to be with someone who thought about you the way you think about her. I personally wouldn’t and I don’t think she would either. So let her go find someone who can accept her in that case.

dellas1979

You can discuss this with her. But I do not think it is fair to expect her to change for you. She is who she is. If she changes, it should be for herself (and should be the best thing for herself), not under a threat that you dont find her attractive.

I dont get this "Ill get into a relationship and they try change them" milarkey.

It might also open up a discussion on what she doesnt like about you.

strandroad

coralreefed wrote: »

Well I don't want to break up with her. I just had a google for this kind of thing and all I got back was tonnes of articles of women complaining about their scruffy partners. It's the other way around, everyone advising how to drop hints etc. I think this thread would be similar if it was a female posting about a male. The thing is she did try a bit when we were first dating. I don't think this is a deal breaker for me, but I just wish she tried a bit.

There is a world of difference between scruffy and what you're describing OP if I'm getting it right though. Scruffy means unkempt, in worn out clothes, badly fitting or old shoes etc. Your girlfriend as you describe her only forgoes beauty treatments or styling and dresses simply - or is she truly scruffy as in neglect/hygiene sense? In my book these are two very different situations?

redfox123

She is who she is. It sounds like you would prefer someone more feminine and that is completely natural. Part of dating and the excitement of being with someone is the buzz of seeing them and feeling that attraction especially at the start. I'm not a man but I can certainly understand how it would bother you that she makes no effort for you, men are visual and are attracted to feminine women. That doesn't mean loads of make up or being high maintenance or anything but looks are part of the natural attraction between a couple, and keeping yourself looking good will keep your partner attracted. Now as other posters have said its not fair to try change her but it sounds like she's the one who changed and now doesn't make an effort like at the start so you can of course mention that you really like when she does herself up sometimes, I know this is controversial to say but as OP says women are allowed say it to men that they appreciate an effort.

Emme

OP you will have to decide if you want a high maintenance partner who is into make-up, clothes, appearance etc. or a naturally attractive but low-maintenance partner who is easy going and doesn't mind not looking like an instagram influencer every day.

For me poor personal hygiene is a deal-breaker but if somebody showers at least once a day and has clean clothes and footwear there is no problem.

Emme

Emme wrote: »

OP you will have to decide if you want a high maintenance partner who is into make-up, clothes, appearance etc. or a naturally attractive but low-maintenance partner who is easy going and doesn't mind not looking like an instagram influencer every day.

For me poor personal hygiene is a deal-breaker but if somebody showers at least once a day and has clean clothes and footwear there is no problem.

You can be easygoing and still make an effort to appear attractive.

The OP’s girlfriend sounds a bit lazy, to be honest. She should make an effort. He does.

daithi7

JayZeus wrote: »

You can be easygoing and still make an effort to appear attractive.

The OP’s girlfriend sounds a bit lazy, to be honest. She should make an effort. He does.

This x 100.
She sounds very lazy & complacent imho. Tbh, whether she knows this or not, she I'd taking her bf for granted here.

He makes an effort, looks smart, dresses up for nights out, etc and she does the bare minimum. If it was me unless she was prepared to change her ways with a happy heart, I'd walk.

Growing disinterested &/or u unattracted to someone, not prepared to make even the minimum effort is a sentence, and life is too damn short!!

Daisy78

daithi7 wrote: »

This x 100.
She sounds very lazy & complacent imho. Tbh, whether she knows this or not, she I'd taking her bf for granted here.

He makes an effort, looks smart, dresses up for nights out, etc and she does the bare minimum. If it was me unless she was prepared to change her ways with a happy heart, I'd walk.

Growing disinterested &/or u unattracted to someone, not prepared to make even the minimum effort is a sentence, and life is too damn short!!

But it sounds like she is happy with her appearance? What would you consider making an effort for nights out, loads of makeup , dress and heels? Maybe she is not comfortable with that. From the op's it would appear they are a mismatched couple, he sounds like he is looking for someone more high maintenance like his ex, she sounds like she is perfectly happy with her appearance as it is. Doesn't look like the relationship has much of a future tbh.

blairbear

I think people are mixing up being glamorous with being "high maintenance". You can have a laid back, easy going personality and be glamorous. Plenty of women are very polished and well groomed without it affecting the rest of their behaviour. It is a bit strange that people equate outward appearance to certain personality traits. I know some very slovenly men and women who are very tightly wound. You can also be naturally attractive and still love wearing plenty of make up etc.

OP, I think what you want is someone a bit more glam. That's fine. I also would have no interest in dating a man who stayed in a fleece and runners when going to a nice restaurant, while I was all dolled up. But you can't ask her to change for you. If she is happy with her image and style then there isn't much you can say or do.

strandroad

blairbear wrote: »

I think people are mixing up being glamorous with being "high maintenance". You can have a laid back, easy going personality and be glamorous. Plenty of women are very polished and well groomed without it affecting the rest of their behaviour. It is a bit strange that people equate outward appearance to certain personality traits. I know some very slovenly men and women who are very tightly wound. You can also be naturally attractive and still love wearing plenty of make up etc.

High maintenance is a phrase that can be applied to anything, not just personality. A car or a garden can be high maintenance if it requires a lot of work and servicing. He would like a girlfriend who invests more money and effort in beauty or styling maintenance that's all.

laserlad2010

strandroad wrote: »

High maintenance is a phrase that can be applied to anything, not just personality. A car or a garden can be high maintenance if it requires a lot of work and servicing. He would like a girlfriend who invests more money and effort in beauty or styling maintenance that's all.

No, that's not what high maintenance means in common parlance. It means someone who is difficult, requires a lot of attention and is often used in a negative sense.

mazwell

strandroad wrote: »

High maintenance is a phrase that can be applied to anything, not just personality. A car or a garden can be high maintenance if it requires a lot of work and servicing. He would like a girlfriend who invests more money and effort in beauty or styling maintenance that's all.

High maintenance doesn't have to mean high heels, tan and make up. I'd be low maintenance by those standards, I normally wear no make up and jumpers and jeans but I'd get dressed up if I'm going somewhere fancy.
My best friend and her husband came out for dinner with us one night and I got dressed up and her husband told me I looked stunning and I should always dress like that. That's what he likes and that's how my best friend always is.
My husband is happy enough with me looking like a scruffy person.
Not that I would go near my friends husband obviously but he made it clear that looks are important to him. As they obviously are to you op. It's nothing to be ashamed of, but you can't ask your girlfriend to change the person she is. If she's comfortable being natural, and there's no personal hygiene issues, you accept her as she is or look for someone who likes being dolled up

kermitpwee

The op and his girlfriend sound young. What age are these people?
Often what attracts us to our partner in the beginning can become what we despise.
The op doesn't want to hurt her. No talk of love.
I have been in this situation and i don't think he truly loves her so move on for everyone s sake.
Your not a bad person it's just life.

LegacyUser

kermitpwee wrote: »

The op and his girlfriend sound young. What age are these people?
Often what attracts us to our partner in the beginning can become what we despise.
The op doesn't want to hurt her. No talk of love.
I have been in this situation and i don't think he truly loves her so move on for everyone s sake.
Your not a bad person it's just life.

Yeah I'm really young (I wish), 38 next month. She's 31. No one despises anyone here! We just spent a lovely weekend together. I don't know really, I feel differently now than I did when I posted this thread but yeah I guess I need to reconsider. Maybe I'm just looking for problems or something, because we get on really well and there are no secrets, no trust issues, we've never had a fight...
I'm hardly the most well groomed person myself but I make somewhat of an effort. I could never picture her in makeup, and I never liked makeup anyway, but maybe it wouldn't be unreasonable to make a few subtle suggestions.
I find it odd on these pages that you all suggest breaking up right away when a problem arises? I really don't want to, I'm just worried this might manifest itself in other ways or I'll end up being mean to her. So I'm going to do my utmost to try and accept things for how they, at the end of the day it's not the most important thing in a relationship, whether someone gets dolled up or not.
Someone suggested missing the drama from previous relationship... I've often thought about that myself, but no I definitely don't. I actually think I have PTSD from that relationship. I'm scared I'll bump into her in public and she'll go nuts as she was want to do previously no matter who was around. I still get incredibly nervous and a sick feeling when I think of her, which isn't very often these days. It's been well over 3 years but there's lingering anxiety still. I wonder if I should talk to someone about it?

kermitpwee

coralreefed wrote: »

Yeah I'm really young (I wish), 38 next month. She's 31. No one despises anyone here! We just spent a lovely weekend together. I don't know really, I feel differently now than I did when I posted this thread but yeah I guess I need to reconsider. Maybe I'm just looking for problems or something, because we get on really well and there are no secrets, no trust issues, we've never had a fight...
I'm hardly the most well groomed person myself but I make somewhat of an effort. I could never picture her in makeup, and I never liked makeup anyway, but maybe it wouldn't be unreasonable to make a few subtle suggestions.
I find it odd on these pages that you all suggest breaking up right away when a problem arises? I really don't want to, I'm just worried this might manifest itself in other ways or I'll end up being mean to her. So I'm going to do my utmost to try and accept things for how they, at the end of the day it's not the most important thing in a relationship, whether someone gets dolled up or not.
Someone suggested missing the drama from previous relationship... I've often thought about that myself, but no I definitely don't. I actually think I have PTSD from that relationship. I'm scared I'll bump into her in public and she'll go nuts as she was want to do previously no matter who was around. I still get incredibly nervous and a sick feeling when I think of her, which isn't very often these days. It's been well over 3 years but there's lingering anxiety still. I wonder if I should talk to someone about it?

Are you head over heels in love with this girl?
Can you live with out her?
Tbh she sounds like a very good friend rather than a lover.
If she was definitely the one for you, you would know it and wouldn't be on here asking people's opinions.

LegacyUser

kermitpwee wrote: »

Are you head over heels in love with this girl?
Can you live with out her?
Tbh she sounds like a very good friend rather than a lover.
If she was definitely the one for you, you would know it and wouldn't be on here asking people's opinions.

Head over heels? No. I’ve a lot of respect for her and I do love her. I was head over heels once or twice when I was a lot younger and naive. Ended in tears. Can I live without her? Of course I can, what kind of question is that? I’d like to think I’m more level headed and rational these days.

ginandtonicsky

I'd say you should line up some counselling sessions to properly deal with the residual issues you've got from your previous relationship. Obviously you're still dealing with a lot of anxiety and that may be bleeding into how you feel about your current girlfriend.

Compared to your ex it's obviously a minor issue, but an issue nonetheless. If your girlfriend gained a lot of weight you'd probably be put off too for example, something that's also "minor" but that may well kill attraction and spell the end for you. Attraction is a pretty fundamental part of the package and without that you're just mates really.

A lot of guys say they "don't like makeup" and "prefer the natural look". In actual fact what they mean is they don't like that OTT, high maintenance heading-to-a-club heavy makeup look and they prefer something a little more understated. It doesn't mean zero effort and walking around without looking into a mirror all day. I'd notice a definite drop-off in male attention when I fall out of bed and make zero effort, versus a bit of makeup and thoughtful consideration about what to wear, so I think your feelings and how it's playing into your attraction to her is probably fairly standard.

What you have to figure out is how much this bothers you now, if it's an issue that will grow or that will fade over time and if a groomed appearance and bit of effort is a "nice to have" rather than a "need to have" for you in a relationship.

NinetyTwoTeam

OP you've mentioned 'making subtle suggestions', I honestly would advise against that. No matter how subtle you think you can be it is likely to hurt her feelings. This is just based on my own experience.

I was in a LTR with a girl who had her hair in a short bob when we started going out and it looked really cute on her. After a few years, due to several issues, I became less attracted to her. (Mostly bc she was always picking fights.)

She noticed me 'going off her', it became yet another thing to fight about, compunding the problem.

During those years we were together she also happened to grow her hair long. This wasn't the reason I had become less attracted to her, though. like i said, it was the constant bickering/nagging. But one day we were looking at old pictures and I said something about how I really liked her old haircut.

A few days later I came home and she had cut her hair short again. Now, I liked the haircut and told her so, but I felt absolutely effin rotten that the poor girl had thought she had to do that to make me more attracted to her. She didn't - she was pretty either way, and it didn't solve the other issues we had. We ended up breaking up anyway after one really bad fight.

Now, you don't have that problem as you say you get along well. So I would say either jusr admit you aren't attracted to her anymore and let her go,
OR
admit that you are just having a bit of a grass is always greener type thing or seven year itch type thing that you shouldn't act on because you have a lovely partner who you get on with.

There's no guarantee that those glammed up girls in the summer dresses are going to be lining up to date you, and if you break up with her you could find yourself alone this cold winter thinking 'What I wouldn't give to cuddle up to those old tracksuit bottoms this evening!'

But it's a tough one in fairness. For me, a girl's personal style is usually a big part of what attracts me to them. I don't like the type who look like Instagram wannabe models - overly done up, fake tan, mounds of makeup, drawn on eyebrows, etc. But I also wouldn't be attracted to someone who never makes any effort or doesn't have any style at all.

Do you think what you desire has changed more or how she dresses has changed more?

Mainly just sounds like you're bored. It happens in LTR's. But you say you get on well, she IS actually attractive, and those two things, plus her not being a high maintenance wee princess type... that's not something I'd advise taking for granted. In fact she sounds like a pretty sweet deal.

And the whole making suggestions thing, again, I'd be careful there. First thing that happens is she feels rotten that her bf doesn't like how she looks. Then if she does try and change it you will feel like a turd for forcing her to. IME

professore

Really I think if the attraction isn't there it isn't there. It will lead to a lot of misery down the line. There are lots of rational reasons why the OP should be attracted to this woman, but he just isn't. Rational doesn't come into attraction.

My theory is that it's not really about the clothes per se, it's more that she bores him. That's fine too.

Try to find a woman who you ARE attracted to and who is attracted to you who isn't a headwreck - as you seem to attract those types.

kermitpwee

coralreefed wrote: »

Head over heels? No. I’ve a lot of respect for her and I do love her. I was head over heels once or twice when I was a lot younger and naive. Ended in tears. Can I live without her? Of course I can, what kind of question is that? I’d like to think I’m more level headed and rational these days.

You answered it, well done. You love her and respect her.
Now that you love her and respect her you won't be worried about her clothes/make up etc will you?
Love is irrational no matter what age you are.
There are plenty of people out there in mutually beneficial relationships like you and it works, true love is hard to find.
Your in this relationship as it's easy, there is no fear like your last relationship.
If you loved her what she wears wouldn't bother you.
You have described a pretty good woman tbh.
You are the problem not her, your perception of her attire is your problem not hers.
You do need counseling so please get it.
I can't imagine the abuse you received in your last relationship and the effect it has had on you.
You have a lot to be proud of. You have survived an abusive relationship and got yourself into a very good one.
I may sound very critical, my aim is for you to look inside yourself (ideally with professional help, as it can be frightening to do it on your own) rather than outside for the answers, especially in this case.
Your a nice bloke good luck with the future.

daithi7

Imminently Breaking up, Counselling, etc are all options sure but they strike me as over reactions here for the mo.

The issue: you feel you're losing the attraction to your gf and you think of she made a bit more effort you might fancy her more, or it might spark it up a bit, etc.

Perfectly reasonable imho. My advice is gift your gf a spa /makeover sometime soon and maybe buy her a dress /blouse /underwear that you think would be nice on her and that you would find attractive on her.

Then see if she likes these, see if you like her in them, out of them, etc and if the answer to both is a yes, then ye have something ye can work on, but if the answer is a no to either, I'd say ye do not and let her down gently and move on.

What we find attractive in another person doesn't stay static, relationships are not by their nature static, at least if ye're both m moving in the same direction ye may have J hope but when one is moving in a different direction to the other and is finding that frustrating to the point of affecting attraction then that's something that must be acted on imho. The above are my suggested actions but they are only suggestions... The future is yours.

ElizaBennett

Attraction and relationships can be very very complicated. For instance I really hate when my bf shaves his beard off and he knows it at this stage as I just can't hide my reaction. I find him incredibly handsome and fanciable with the beard and it's really not the same without it - he looks like a different person. I also fancy him a little less when he's let his hair grow too long. When he's coiffed the way I like and wearing clothes I like I can't keep my hands off him but it's the opposite when he hasn't bothered. I don't know if it's symbolic of his commitment when he makes an effort or if it really is purely superficial but it is what it is. We're very very happy and never fight seriously and have an amazing sex life and lots of fun but I'm sure on paper my feelings about his appearance don't sound right. I make a lot of effort to look good myself and I know he really appreciates this.
I totally get where you're coming from but I don't know what the answer is. Communicating about it has worked for us. Possibly my bf has felt a little hurt about the beard thing ('that's my face you're talking about!' lol) but we're overall so happy that it's worth a bit of work on his part.

Green&Red

I don’t get how people say you can’t ask someone to change for you. You absolutely can and IMO should. Nobody is perfect, when I started going out with my GF there were things that I did that annoyed her and things she did that annoyed me but once they were out there then it was up to the other person to put the effort in to not do that annoying thing.
It’s hard to have a chat like that but she sounds laid back and sounds like she’ll take it in the manner it’s meant if it’s worded right.
It’s not like you’re saying she has a sh!te sense of humour, it’s clothes.
There is nothing worse than being in a relationship where you dont fancy the other person.
For what it’s worth it sounds like you still fancy (I mean physically fancy) your ex and no amount of changing clothes will let you fancy this girl more

woodchuck

G&R, we're not talking about changing an annoying habit here such as leaving the cap off the toothpaste. Trying to control what someone else wears is just that - controlling.

OP losing attraction after just a year is very worrying. It sounds like you wanted someone on the total opposite end of the spectrum to your ex, which is understandable. However it's also understandable that now that some time has passed, you're actually realising there were things you liked about your ex that you'd also like in a new partner. I don't think it's reasonable to ask your current girlfriend to change however - she's obviously very comfortable with how she looks and dresses. If you're not attracted to her though, it might be time to move on and figure out what it is that you're actually looking for in a relationship.

Green&Red

woodchuck wrote: »

G&R, we're not talking about changing an annoying habit here such as leaving the cap off the toothpaste. Trying to control what someone else wears is just that - controlling.

OP losing attraction after just a year is very worrying. It sounds like you wanted someone on the total opposite end of the spectrum to your ex, which is understandable. However it's also understandable that now that some time has passed, you're actually realising there were things you liked about your ex that you'd also like in a new partner. I don't think it's reasonable to ask your current girlfriend to change however - she's obviously very comfortable with how she looks and dresses. If you're not attracted to her though, it might be time to move on and figure out what it is that you're actually looking for in a relationship.

I wouldn't agree, it sounds like this girl doesn't place a massive importance on clothes so she might not place a massive insult on it being brought up?
As an example I always wore check shirts, GF hates them, has transitioned me out of them, i'll still go back to them the odd time but if it makes her happy then I don't really care, its not important enough to me. I would certainly never consider it controlling.
Having said that I've no doubt if I ignored it she'd still fancy me

This might be a stupid question but do you work at the physical side of it? Attraction fades if you don't work at it. All those nights you go to bed tired and instead of putting the move on you kiss good night and roll over, that'll stick over time. You won't feel like ripping off each others clothes all the time, lots of times you have to get over tiredness or a **** day or whatever but its always worth it afterwards

sbsquarepants

Sounds to me OP like the previous one was such a head wrecker you just wanted the exact opposite - now you're realising you've over corrected and you want to swing back towards the centre a bit.

professore

woodchuck wrote: »

G&R, we're not talking about changing an annoying habit here such as leaving the cap off the toothpaste. Trying to control what someone else wears is just that - controlling.

There's a big difference in forcing her to wear certain clothes and expressing a preference. Maybe she has no sense of style and would be delighted with the advice. I think some people are a bit too quick to play the controlling card.

LegacyUser

daithi7 wrote: »

This x 100.
She sounds very lazy & complacent imho. Tbh, whether she knows this or not, she I'd taking her bf for granted here.

Sorry but just because someone doesn't wear make up or spend hours doing their hair does not mean they are lazy. the OP's GF sounds like me. I own no make-up and wear tomboy clothes 99% of the time. I'm certainly not lazy or complacent, I just know what I like and what I want to spend my money on. Even a basic wash cut and blow dry at the hairdresser can set you back 50euro+ Money I'd rather spend on going out and enjoying myself.

Sounds like the OP went for this girl because she was the exact opposite of his ex but now the rebound haze has lifted he sees that he really wants someone more like his ex.

LegacyUser

Trust me, I don't want anything resembling my ex. You're all way off the mark there. There's nothing attractive about someone pulling clumps of your hair out when they have a few drinks!
Anyway an update on this. I don't know why I was feeling how I was feeling but things are a lot better now. I went on holidays for a few weeks on my own and really missed her. When I got home I was delighted to see her and she looked amazing.
So I don't know... I guess there are ups and downs in relationships and I was just having second thoughts for a while, but I really think this is as good as it can get for me, she's so level headed and I trust her completely and she actually makes me a better person all round.

LegacyUser

I think the OP is getting a hard time. Attraction is important no matter who you are. I'm not at all into girls who wear lots of makeup and get fully dressed up. In fact, the girl in question sounds great to me but I think recognising your attributes and dressing accordingly is something that everyone can do.

My longest relationship was with a girl who wasn't stunning, rarely wore makeup and never spent much on clothes at all but always managed to look 'herself'. I admired her for this trait, she was always well dressed for every occasion. She always got her look right no matter what the setting and it was a real talent. My most recent relationship wasn't very long and a lot of the reason it didn't last was her wardrobe choices. On our first date, we went for a light stroll at a local beauty spot and a coffee and she wore full active wear. It was just such an inappropriate for a casual first date. She wore very cheap clothes always but they looked cheap. She was very attractive but it was just like she never learned the life skill of dressing appropriately.