Boyfriend issue regarding calls

LegacyUser

I've been going out with my boyfriend for 22 months. We get on very well. In the 22 months we've been going out together, there's been no row or arguments between us. The two of us have easy going personalities and the two of us gel together. We both have a similar outlook on many things 'we will cross that bridge if and when we come to it and worry about it then' - that type of an attitude. There's been times when we've had plans but between on thing or another, fell through from either side. Them have been few and still no issues there. This is the easy going attitudes that we both have and realizing that sometimes life gets in the way.

There's been no issues or problems to date. However there is something setting in. There's an issue that's beginning to annoy me and it's about calls.

I will be honest and I wouldnt say he's calling me excessively. There was one instance during the week, where I was stuck in work late and I didn't have my phone on me. I happened to miss three calls from 6.30 to 9pm from him. By the time I got home, it was 9.30. I was in work all day, sweating and all I wanted was a shower. I went straight for a shower when I got home where I heard my phone ringing again. When I finally got around to calling him back, I felt he had a bit of a tone with me although there was nothing said about missing his calls or anything.

I was meeting him last night after work. I rang him at 7, and I told him I was going for a shower and will see him soon and when I got off the phone and went for the shower, my phone rang twice.

Maybe it's just this week with the heat wave I find this irritable from him.

tara73

UnregAnon wrote: »

I was meeting him last night after work. I rang him at 7, and I told him I was going for a shower and will see him soon and when I got off the phone and went for the shower, my phone rang twice.

Maybe it's just this week with the heat wave I find this irritable from him.

do I get it right, he was the one who phoned twice? so you showered and were in the bathroom for presumably 40 minutes, which would be already a long time, he phoned twice?

that would be worrying behaviour, the opposite from easy-going and actually a bit scary.
sounds unstable, or he hid his controlling issues well for the time you are together and now it's breaking through.

LegacyUser

There's something not sitting well with me. The calls were always there from him and it wasn't an issue. It's only this last week, I'm getting fed up with them. I was in work and there was very little I could do with my mobile phone. I know if the shoe was on the other foot and it has been at times when I phone him.if I don't get answer, I leave it be presuming he's busy.

Yesterday evening and hit me that this isn't quite right. I got of the phone with him at 7 and I told him I'm going for a shower. Yes it was him who rang me twice in the time I was in the shower. He rang twice in the 20/25 minutes I was in the shower.

There is a lot of stress and pressure coming at me in life, left, right and centre from work, aging parents and problems in the outside family. My boyfriend knows many of the problems. I was flat out busy on Sunday last and my phone went dead on me too. When I turned it on, there was a load of messages telling me of all this missed calls. If that was me, I would realize that he's busy and his phone is out of order for now. Not phone again and again.

Johnnyhpipe

tara73 wrote: »

do I get it right, he was the one who phoned twice? so you showered and were in the bathroom for presumably 40 minutes, which would be already a long time, he phoned twice?

that would be worrying behaviour, the opposite from easy-going and actually a bit scary.
sounds unstable, or he hid his controlling issues well for the time you are together and now it's breaking through.

All he did was ring his girlfriend twice....

Augme

I wouldn't consider 2 incidents in 22 months to be an issue. I find it a bit odd that you think it is. I don't even see anything wrong with the second incident either. Possible you are latching onto these incidents as an excuse?

Conservatory

tara73 wrote: »

do I get it right, he was the one who phoned twice? so you showered and were in the bathroom for presumably 40 minutes, which would be already a long time, he phoned twice?

that would be worrying behaviour, the opposite from easy-going and actually a bit scary.
sounds unstable, or he hid his controlling issues well for the time you are together and now it's breaking through.

Jesus 22 months he’s with her and he rang her twice while she was in the shower and now he’s a psycho?

Maybe he dialed with his arse then rang to say sorry he dialed with his arse.

On a serious note op it sounds like you arnt as interested as you once were. Maybe it’s the heat or maybe you are tired or maybe you just arnt into him any more.

I’d say he might be picking up on this and worried if this is out of character for him.

meeeeh

UnregAnon wrote: »

I've been going out with my boyfriend for 22 months. We get on very well. In the 22 months we've been going out together, there's been no row or arguments between us. The two of us have easy going personalities and the two of us gel together. We both have a similar outlook on many things 'we will cross that bridge if and when we come to it and worry about it then' - that type of an attitude. There's been times when we've had plans but between on thing or another, fell through from either side. Them have been few and still no issues there. This is the easy going attitudes that we both have and realizing that sometimes life gets in the way.

There's been no issues or problems to date. However there is something setting in. There's an issue that's beginning to annoy me and it's about calls.

I will be honest and I wouldnt say he's calling me excessively. There was one instance during the week, where I was stuck in work late and I didn't have my phone on me. I happened to miss three calls from 6.30 to 9pm from him. By the time I got home, it was 9.30. I was in work all day, sweating and all I wanted was a shower. I went straight for a shower when I got home where I heard my phone ringing again. When I finally got around to calling him back, I felt he had a bit of a tone with me although there was nothing said about missing his calls or anything.

Mobile phones are not landline. If people close to us don't respond in some way one can start worrying. I presume he didn't know you were working late or that you forgot the phone. In similar situation I would text something like: "I forgot my phone at home and had to work late. I need a shower and will call you later or tomorrow." Unless there is something urgent he should leave you alone.

UnregAnon wrote: »

I was meeting him last night after work. I rang him at 7, and I told him I was going for a shower and will see him soon and when I got off the phone and went for the shower, my phone rang twice.

Maybe it's just this week with the heat wave I find this irritable from him.

If it irritates you that he can't stop calling then tell him. Not having arguments in relationship is not healthy. Confront stuff that bothers you and try to resolve it. That's the only way a relationship can survive.

bottlebrush

did he ring twice because he had something important to tell you or was it just for the sake of ringing? what couldn't have waited until you met up with him later?

orthsquel

UnregAnon wrote: »

There is a lot of stress and pressure coming at me in life, left, right and centre from work, aging parents and problems in the outside family. My boyfriend knows many of the problems. I was flat out busy on Sunday last and my phone went dead on me too. When I turned it on, there was a load of messages telling me of all this missed calls. If that was me, I would realize that he's busy and his phone is out of order for now. Not phone again and again.

It could be that you are not dealing with the stresses and pressures you are under and are cracking and getting frustrated with things that usually you'd be easy-going about.

I get the feeling that you may be too easy-going about some things. You mentioned plans fell by the way side, because of life, but would not that be because of the easy-going attitude you both have? Was there something planned that you regret having missed out on? I think you might be at a point that you may need to be less easy-going in all areas of you life.... why are you under stress with work and ageing parents? Has your workload increased? Are you taking care of your elderly parents on your own? Have you anyone helping you out, or are you dealing with it all on your own?

I'd suspect that maybe the reality of the stresses and pressures is hitting home, manifesting in feeling under pressure from your boyfriend too, with calling you, in what feels to you, excessively.

fatherted1969

UnregAnon wrote: »

There's something not sitting well with me. The calls were always there from him and it wasn't an issue. It's only this last week, I'm getting fed up with them. I was in work and there was very little I could do with my mobile phone. I know if the shoe was on the other foot and it has been at times when I phone him.if I don't get answer, I leave it be presuming he's busy.

Yesterday evening and hit me that this isn't quite right. I got of the phone with him at 7 and I told him I'm going for a shower. Yes it was him who rang me twice in the time I was in the shower. He rang twice in the 20/25 minutes I was in the shower.

There is a lot of stress and pressure coming at me in life, left, right and centre from work, aging parents and problems in the outside family. My boyfriend knows many of the problems. I was flat out busy on Sunday last and my phone went dead on me too. When I turned it on, there was a load of messages telling me of all this missed calls. If that was me, I would realize that he's busy and his phone is out of order for now. Not phone again and again.

Surely after going out for nearly 2 years it can't be difficult to simply say you're trying to contact me when I've said I'm unavailable. The fact that you haven't had an argument in that time shouldn't mean you can't still lay down a few ground rules going forward. A few words can clear the air a little too

tara73

UnregAnon wrote: »

Yesterday evening and hit me that this isn't quite right. I got of the phone with him at 7 and I told him I'm going for a shower. Yes it was him who rang me twice in the time I was in the shower. He rang twice in the 20/25 minutes I was in the shower.

you told him you were showering and he rang twice in this 25 minutes.
obsessive behaviour.

Did you talk to him and ask him about it, why he feels the need to ring you twice although he knew you were in the shower?

It's important you talk to him about it and see with which explanation he comes up. although, for me, there is no proper explanation to it, it's just madness from his part.

SeaFields

UnregAnon wrote: »

There was one instance during the week, where I was stuck in work late and I didn't have my phone on me. I happened to miss three calls from 6.30 to 9pm from him. By the time I got home, it was 9.30. I was in work all day, sweating and all I wanted was a shower. I went straight for a shower when I got home where I heard my phone ringing again.

If I couldn't get through to my wife and that ended up being for over 3 hours I'd be fairly worried and would keep trying. I don't think that makes me unstable, obsessive or anything else only a concerned partner.

Ursus Horribilis

No wonder there's a hosepipe ban coming in if people are taking 25-minute showers :eek:

It sounds like there was a breakdown in communication here and it's something that's easily resolved if you talk about it. In the first incident, you should've sent a text to tell him you were about to hop in the shower and you'd ring him later. The second time, maybe he doesn't know you take insanely long showers and thought you were already out of it by the time he rang. Talk to him and straighten it out.

amdublin

I'm completely confused.

You need to give more information.

I don't think it's unreasonable that if someone wants to talk to you they ring twice. I would never have 25/40 minute shower. I could easily talk with someone, hop in the shower for 5 minutes and talk with them 10 minutes later
I see nothing wrong with your boyfriend's behaviour. I find it weird you're posting here about it. Why not just say to hi hey what's up. What did you want me foe?

What was he ringing you to say?

professore

Ringing twice doesn't necessarily mean anything. He probably thought like any reasonable person that a shower takes 10 minutes not 40.

More communication is needed. I'd agree with others here that maybe you are going off him.

CalamariFritti

You must be single for a while. When a girl takes a shower the actual shower takes 10 minutes ye, but the 'afters' could easily take an hour. All that hair drying, straightening, brushing, leg shaving, skin creaming, nose picking, nails polishing and a myriad of other things I wouldn't have a word for. :eek:

LegacyUser

UnregAnon wrote: »

I was stuck in work late and I didn't have my phone on me. I happened to miss three calls from 6.30 to 9pm from him. By the time I got home, it was 9.30.

By "stuck" in work, I take you mean unexpectedly, in which case he couldn't have known you were busy. You also didn't have your phone on you, so presumably you didn't let him know you were stuck in work. 3 calls in 3 hours not too unreasonable in those circumstances. Also, you could have sent a text or made a call as soon as you were reunited with your phone, just to say "stuck in work, no phone, sorry I missed your calls, what's up?". I'd say virtually every couple has had some version of that call/text exchange at some stage, part of healthy communication.
What isn't healthy communication is creating the breakdown in communication, even in innocence, then blaming the other party.

Pelvis

This is the biggest non-issue ever.

Contessa Raven

Maybe it's just me (beginning to think it is ) but depending where I am going and who I am seeing I will have a different kind of shower.

Regular shower on a regular work day would be 10 mins. Same if I was going to meet a friend for coffee or was just home from a sweaty training session.

A shower when I am going out somewhere nice with my SO could be 20-30 mins. Washing, exfoliating, shaving, washing my hair (I have a LOT of hair), conditioning my hair and then when I get out, moisturising my body and drying my hair.
Then there's the plucking/waxing of eyebrows, the make up and getting dressed. I mean, we're talking at least 2 hours from getting into the shower to being ready to go anywhere.

That being said, I tend to check my phone before I get into the shower and after I get out. If my partner called me twice while I was in there, after I had just spoken to him, I would assume it was something important. If it wasn't it would strike me as a bit odd but I would just ask him what was up and then talk to him about why it was an issue for me.
If you've been with someone for 2 years, surely you can just tell him that something is bothering you?

LegacyUser

SeaFields wrote: »

If I couldn't get through to my wife and that ended up being for over 3 hours I'd be fairly worried and would keep trying. I don't think that makes me unstable, obsessive or anything else only a concerned partner.

This!!! Three missed calls before 9, you got home at 9:30 did you think to send quick text when you saw phone or hop in shower leaving him to worry further. Or did you leave it to 10pm maybe later again. Bit lousy if so. Quite inconsiderate of course he’d worry if you’re usually with phone/home by earlier time.

khaldrogo

UnregAnon wrote:

Yesterday evening and hit me that this isn't quite right. I got of the phone with him at 7 and I told him I'm going for a shower. Yes it was him who rang me twice in the time I was in the shower. He rang twice in the 20/25 minutes I was in the shower.

Did you ask him why he rang? Did he need to ask something?

Lux23

Like couldn't you text him and say, sorry really busy I will call at x time!!

Grab All Association

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

No wonder there's a hosepipe ban coming in if people are taking 25-minute showers :eek:

It sounds like there was a breakdown in communication here and it's something that's easily resolved if you talk about it. In the first incident, you should've sent a text to tell him you were about to hop in the shower and you'd ring him later. The second time, maybe he doesn't know you take insanely long showers and thought you were already out of it by the time he rang. Talk to him and straighten it out.

Sounds like she’s the one who will be imposing the hose pipe ban.


Sorry


Anyway as someone else said he probably accidentally called. It happens to everyone.

bottlebrush

difficult to comment as we don't know what the calls were about. was he ringing you about specific things or just for a chat. you say when you rang him back you felt he had 'a tone'. if he was only ringing for chats then that's not good. any possibility he feels neglected in favour of all the other stuff going on in your life? that he's being squeezed in between your other priorities. is he needy or constantly seeking reassurance. whatever the case if you both don't have a chat and this continues you are going to feel more annoyed and he is going to become more needy if that's what it is all about. when he phoned did he say he was worried about you when you didn't get back to you or did you just chat about the weather. hard to know without context.

Fall_Guy

Maybe he is ringing more than usual. Maybe he can sense the apparent cooling off that is coming across in your tone towards him in the posts here....and maybe he is overcompensating and in reality only serving to compound your feelings on where things are between the two of you now....

...or maybe you are extra irritable (understandably) due to all the other drains you have on your energy levels at the moment.

Either way, the scenarios outlined here are non-issues in my opinion if taken in isolation, and easily cleared up and moved on from with a little communication if the relationship is otherwise going well. Only you can reflect on things and decide if that 'if' is the case or not.

wiggle16

Sorry OP, but this is a complete non-issue.

I am really finding it hard to see any issue at all, actually. Ask yourself, what would make you call someone twice, or three times? Any number of innocuous reasons. I would do that frequently enough with friends. That's what phones are for.

He rang, no answer.
He rang again, likely thinking you didn't hear your phone the first time.

He wanted to talk to you, that's all. If he were possessive he would want an explanation as to why you didn't answer - he didn't do that.

It think it might well be the heat :P

lunamoon

I must be an absolute psycho because if I don't get a return phonecall back from my partner (when I know he's not busy or hasn't told me he's busy) I would ring again 15-20mins later.

nthclare

I found myself getting slightly anxious about something similar lately, but I was able to realise I was over tired or worked.

A good woman or man will give their partner the trust they deserve, I've often not contacted my girlfriend for a few day's.

And sent her a wattsapp message the other day and she read it, no reply for a day lol I got a bit worried.

But I had to bring myself back to my own habits and admit I was just finding something to moan about.

She's great when we're together, and thats all that counts.

Ain't going to let an app or electronic device dictate my peace of mind.....

blairbear

nthclare wrote: »

I found myself getting slightly anxious about something similar lately, but I was able to realise I was over tired or worked.

A good woman or man will give their partner the trust they deserve, I've often not contacted my girlfriend for a few day's.

And sent her a wattsapp message the other day and she read it, no reply for a day lol I got a bit worried.

But I had to bring myself back to my own habits and admit I was just finding something to moan about.

She's great when we're together, and thats all that counts.

Ain't going to let an app or electronic device dictate my peace of mind.....

If I was in a serious, committed relationship and my other half didn't reply to me for a full day or failed to contact me for three days straight, the relationship would be over very quickly.

That has nothing to do with trust or being "a good woman or man".

Partners want to stay in contact with each other. Not obsessively. Not to keep tabs on each other. But because it's nice and comforting and can make you happy to get texts and phone calls from someone who cares about you.

To the OP, I think you were in the wrong on the first occasion. He was trying to contact you obviously, rang a few times when you had no phone, and your immediate reflex on getting back to your phone wasn't to call him back? You let him stew for another while... I mean, I would ring my friends back if that happened, never mind a boyfriend.

This sounds symptomatic of a larger aversion to him tbh.

tara73

UnregAnon wrote: »

I was meeting him last night after work. I rang him at 7, and I told him I was going for a shower and will see him soon and when I got off the phone and went for the shower, my phone rang twice.

Maybe it's just this week with the heat wave I find this irritable from him.

I think people here missing something or reading what they want. she told him on the phone, she's going for a shower and will contact him soon. during ths time, which would be approx. 30 minutes, he rang twice, although he knew she was in the bathroom.

That's how I read it. But if this is the new normality for people, to pester your friends or partners although they tell you they are not available for the next 30 minutes and they'll call back, great.

I'm not taking part in this madness and I won't have too much to do with those people and consider it obsessive and very pushy.

I strongly presume his mum, dad, sister, didn't die in this 30 minutes which would be, for me, the only reason to loose your head and try to ring twice.

Pelvis

tara73 wrote: »

I think people here missing something or reading what they want. she told him on the phone, she's going for a shower and will contact him soon. during ths time, which would be approx. 30 minutes, he rang twice, although he knew she was in the bathroom.

That's how I read it. But if this is the new normality for people, to pester your friends or partners although they tell you they are not available for the next 30 minutes and they'll call back, great.

I'm not taking part in this madness and I won't have too much to do with those people and consider it obsessive and very pushy.

I strongly presume his mum, dad, sister, didn't die in this 30 minutes which would be, for me, the only reason to loose your head and try to ring twice.

Loose the head? He rang twice. She said she was gonna have a shower and would see him soon, maybe he forgot to say something important and hoped to catch her before she got in? The first call could have been 10 seconds after getting off the phone, the second could have been 20 minutes later hoping she was out of the shower.

Hardly loosing the head, get a grip.