Breakup - She's taken me back 6 times - Where do you draw the line

Always Be Closing

Ok guys

Loud and clear

I'll drop it for both our sakes

Wesser

What do you mean I can't.let her go.
That sounds really controlling
She is free to.do whatever she wants.
It's not a questioning if letting her go.or not. Is up.to her!!!
How should you play it?
You should not play it all. Adults in responsible relationships do t try to manipulate eachother. They respect each others wishes.

FurBabyMomma

OP, I'm truly sorry for the loss of your birth mother and other issues you have encountered. I think your first port of call should be your GP, as you seem to recognise that running away and self-medicating as a coping mechanism is simply one of the most destructive things you can do.

However, having been so wrapped up in your own problems seems to have rendered you blind to how self-absorbed you're being. You've been on here asking how you can get your way in this horrible situation yet again. You've not expressed concern and asked what is best for your ex at all. You keep saying your priority is getting her back. Your priority should be getting yourself back on track and leaving your ex to make herself and her happiness a her priority, in whatever form that may choose.

Regarding the break-ups, you seem to have no concept of how all this has been for her. You think up a break up should be you running away and her chasing you down and dragging you back because you're too depressed to get out of bed? Nope. Guess what? It's likely that the first and second time you walked out SHE was too depressed to get out of bed because her boyfriend had disappeared and broken her heart. It's likely she spent hours on the phone and in person, crying her eyes out with her mother and friends. It's likely she was stressed about paying rent and bills while left in the lurch. It's likely she tried to put on a brave face in public while wondering what she did to deserve this. It's likely she felt the same abandonment and helplessness she did when her dad walked out at 8 years old. It's likely the 3rd, 4th and 5th times, her friends were a bit less sympathetic and the "I told you so's" started. It's likely she didn't want to burden her fragile mother with her heartache yet again. It's likely she felt so alone and like a fool. It's likely the 6th time she said, NO MORE.

If you love her, recognise you do nothing but hurt her. As of yet, you've not sorted yourself out so any future you think you might have would be more of the same. And if children ended up involved, it would be a disaster. Please get the help you need, but don't expect it to come from her.

Neyite

Always Be Closing wrote: »

Ok guys

Loud and clear

I'll drop it for both our sakes

Good decision. Everyone has a right to end a relationship they feel isn't working for them. Even if the other person disagrees or still has feelings. That's her right to do that. It's been six years of chaotic drama and she is allowed to call it a day and want more for herself.



And you might not realise it, but she's helping you too. It might take losing her for good for you to finally stop blaming the world for your actions and tackle your drinking problem and your issues.

Paddy Cow

Always Be Closing wrote: »

No cheating involved, no domestic violence, no name calling, no fights- things would be going great and I'd suffer a personal setback (work related/family problems- stuff like that), it would fry my head and I'd just lose the plot, leave our place and go to my parents and self medicate drinking my problems away in my old bedroom.

I really hate that term. Alcohol is a depressant, not medication. You were self harming, not self medicating.

You keep claiming that things were great in the relationship and you never argued. Arguing is not a bad thing. It's normal to have differing opinions and arguing is actually healthy, as you learn to deal with conflict in the relationship.

You don't seem to have learned to deal with your emotions and when something happens, you run and hide away with alcohol. The last time you did it the consequence was your girlfriend wouldn't move back in with you. The consequence this time is that you lost her. Your relationship was not great or healthy. Giving someone the silent treatment (which is what you did when you ran away) IS a form of abuse and was doubly cruel as you know she struggles with her father abandoning her.

Do both of you a favour and learn from this. You need to figure out why you have such poor coping skills before you enter into another relationship. It comes across more like you are obsessing over the is woman, rather than truly respecting her. You are caught in a cycle of running away and winning her back, only to run away again. Break the cycle.

Rikand

Always Be Closing wrote: »

our

You're finally on the first step to recovery. Everything before this post was I and me from you. You've now accepted that there is two people who need to be happy and I hope you can continue to move on in the same positive vein from here.

GL OP

LegacyUser

You're an abuser. You don't see it that way, people who abuse rarely do, but what you've done to her over time is psychologically and emotionally damaging and will leave her with scars for a long time to come.

You're taking advantage of the fact that childhood trauma has left her with abandonment issues and used that to leverage your way back into a relationship with her several times now. You're taking out your own pain on her, making her suffer over things that are not her fault. You continue to do things that you know hurt her, despite seeing all the pain it puts her through you just keep on repeating it causing damage every time. You are actively hurting her and taking advantage of the fact that she loves and cares for you. You have her caught in a cycle of abuse where you treat her like crap, make amends and everything is good again until the next trigger and you're off again.

To top it all off, you're also refusing to respect the fact that she no longer wants anything to do with you, being pushy and harassing her, insisting that you will get her back.

This is how abusive relationships work. You are entitled, destructive, dismissive and disrespectful. You'll continue to act like this as long as you can get away with it.

Leave her alone. She needs therapy to sort through what you've put her through. She needs to be away from you to clear her head and get some perspective on what life is like when you're not at risk of being treated so badly by someone you love.

You need to find a therapist who has experience working with abusers and start to educate yourself on your abusive patterns and what you can do about them. You need to get help for your alcoholism and the triggers that set you off. The last thing you should be doing is continuing to push this girl's boundaries, leave her in peace to get better without you. Focus on yourself, figure out how you managed to end up so toxic, how you ever thought it was okay to treat someone who cares about you this way, and work on never being this cruel to anyone again.