Breakup - She's taken me back 6 times - Where do you draw the line

Always Be Closing

Hi guys

My head is absolutely fried.

Long story short - with my ex on and off for 6 years, and we had 5 break ups all down to me.

No cheating involved, no domestic violence, no name calling, no fights- things would be going great and I'd suffer a personal setback (work related/family problems- stuff like that), it would fry my head and I'd just lose the plot, leave our place and go to my parents and self medicate drinking my problems away in my old bedroom.

Weeks would pass and she'd decide that's it. Pack up and leave our apartments or houses.

I'd get my **** together, stay off the sauce for 6 months or so, we'd reconcile and things would be great again.

After the second to the most recent breakup we decided it was a bad idea to live together and we should try living in seperate apartments and see each other a few times a week.

This was working out brilliantly - she'd come over at the weekend, we'd get take away, go to the cinema, hang out, watch movies, go shopping, I'd collect her from work during the week and walk her to her luas etc.

We'd just got back from the best holiday ever in April and things were the best they've ever been. Then I got news (I'm adopted) that my natural birth mother had died. For years my ex implored me to get in touch with my birth mother as she was convinced this was the underlying issue behind me going off the rails and I had never addressed it. Eventually I decided no.

When I got this news, it set me off again, she was in her place, I was in mine, and contact simply disappeared as I went loco again.

The most frustrating part is there was no fight, no bust up - instead of closing the book I walked off the page.

I know she still loves me, she worshipped me as I did her. While I appreciate her career is now her priority, part of me feels angry as if the shoe was on the other foot, I'd be in the first taxi to her to talk sense to her and snap her out of it. She never does this for me.

Yes I'm an adult, and drinking isn't the answer, the problem will be still there when you sober up. But I just wish she was there for me.

I've emailed her multiple times but she refuses to reply.

I have to get her back. I'm not letting it go. It simply isn't an option.

So how should I play it?

Any advice appreciated

bee06

Leave her alone. You’ve messed her around enough already.

Purple Mountain

Sort yourself out first.

Always Be Closing

Purple Mountain wrote: »

Sort yourself out first.

That's what I'm working on at the moment

I'm seeing a bereavement counselor and therapist

dobman88

You expect her to come running to you to "snap you out of it" after all the shít you've put her through.

Grow up and snap yourself out of it. But I'd say leave her alone, she's been through enough with you already

Always Be Closing

dobman88 wrote: »

You expect her to come running to you to "snap you out of it" after all the shít you've put her through.

Grow up and snap yourself out of it. But I'd say leave her alone, she's been through enough with you already

Yes, I actually do.

Her dad upped sticks, left for America and left her mum when she was 8. Her mum is not living a great life. She constantly has breakdowns over this. She has other stuff going on too.

And whenever she broke down I was there for her and remained strong.

I'm not looking for sympathy here guys and I didn't expect you to be sympathetic.

But I am going to make a play in the future and all I was asking was the best way to go about it.

SimpleDimples

This one is close to home for me. Not drink but an issue which results in my ex doing similiar to you.

- Leave her alone
- Sort out your issues
- Consider the fact its not all about you and she deserves better than how you treat her
- Quit the self pity party & take some personal responsibilty for your actions


Hopefully for her sake she has realised that 6 years worth of chances & opportunities are far more than you deserve.

It's **** being in a relationship where:
- you are always ****ed around by someone who thinks more of themselves that you,
- someone you are always there for but who is never there for you,
- someone who won't help themselves no matter how much you support them
- someone who calls all the shots & makes the relationship on their terms on
- someone who disappears with no thought or respect for you
- someone who has probably been told all the above a million times but never hears it

Leave her alone, you are not capable of a relationship until you sort out your issues

Big Bag of Chips

It's not an option to let her go? Why not? Talk us through that. You regularly break up. You regularly chose drinking over her. You regularly go awol. You don't even give her the courtesy of telling her what's going on, you just disappear. She on the other hand has spent the past 5 years giving you chance after chance and you just keep walking out on her. She has tried to support you and encourage you to get yourself together and you repeatedly treat her badly walk out, and then beg her back when you're feeling a bit bored and lonely.

Do you love her? Do you truly love her and see your future with her (without walking out on her at least once a year)? If you do then stop messing her around. Stop taking her for granted. Stop carrying on like a single man and disappearing when things get tough. Face up to your life and your problems and make an effort to sort yourself out. Not sort yourself out for a few months. Sort yourself out.

She will have no life with you if she keeps taking you back. You learn nothing, other than you can do what you like, she'll eventually give in and take you back again. You're not good for each other. You're not good for her because you can offer her no security whatsoever. She's not good for you because by continually giving in and giving you chance after chance she's not giving you any incentive to sort yourself out.

I sincerely hope she has someone she can confide in. And someone who hopefully will make her see sense.

You're a typical alcoholic. There's always an excuse. There's always a reason. This time it was because you heard your birth mother had died. What was the reason all the other times? You need to learn how to deal with life without destroying everything around you. If you can figure that out, for longer than a few months then you might have a chance with her. But you both would really be better off if you decided this is it now. At least then something might change.

As it is you're both going around in circles, repeating the same behaviours, with no inclination to really change.

iamwhoiam

If you love her like you say you do then set her free

dobman88

Always Be Closing wrote: »

Yes, I actually do.

Her dad upped sticks, left for America and left her mum when she was 8. Her mum is not living a great life. She constantly has breakdowns over this. She has other stuff going on too.

And whenever she broke down I was there for her and remained strong.

I'm not looking for sympathy here guys and I didn't expect you to be sympathetic.

But I am going to make a play in the future and all I was asking was the best way to go about it.

Somehow I don't see you remaining strong. But, if you were there for her then for play but she didn't cause her problems, her parents did. You are causing your own problems and screwing her over in the process, see the difference?

Always Be Closing

dobman88 wrote: »

Somehow I don't see you remaining strong. But, if you were there for her then for play but she didn't cause her problems, her parents did. You are causing your own problems and screwing her over in the process, see the difference?

That's a fair point but I didn't ask for the problems which instigated my breakdowns either.

She cried, I was there. I drank to forget, she wasn't.

But this isn't a blame game. I know I'm the one in the wrong here. I f*cked up time and time again not dealing with my problems like a man.

And I know she's angry right now. But without hope I have nothing.

So I will sort myself out and try and finally shake these shackles once and for all and show her people can change.

dobman88

Yeah sorting yourself has to be the priority, not getting her back. You should leave her alone tbf

fullstop

Always Be Closing wrote: »

That's a fair point but I didn't ask for the problems which instigated my breakdowns either.

She cried, I was there. I drank to forget, she wasn't.

Sorry but how would she be there if she didn't know where you were?!!

Always Be Closing

fullstop wrote: »

Sorry but how would she be there if she didn't know where you were?!!

She knew I was in my parents.

She talked to my sister who told her I was crying uncontrollably and wouldn't get out of bed

Big Bag of Chips

Her father abandoned her and her mother when she was a child. And ever since she has been trying to deal with a fragile mother. An 8 year old shouldn't ever have to be the strong one in a parent child relationship. She also has other stuff going on in her life, and you think she should be grateful to you, another cause of stress, upset and uncertainty in her life just because you listened to her when she was upset about things?

Listening to your partner when they are upset is normal, expected behaviour in a relationship. Being a doormat for a feckless boyfriend who does what he likes when he likes with little or no regard for the one person he claims to love is not normal expected behaviour. That called being in an abusive relationship. What sort of life would she have with you? Never knowing whether you're going to come home or not. Never knowing if something has happened and you can't answer the phone, or nothing has happened and you won't answer the phone. That is no life for anyone. She would never have a day's peace with you. And by the sounds of it, if anyone deserves a bit of happiness and goodness in her life, it's her.

Big Bag of Chips

Did she ever go to you? Maybe she did the first time, and the second time.. maybe after the 6th time she decided what she was doing wasn't working and wasn't helping.

It almost sounds like you walk away wanting her to chase you down. If you want to talk to her, Be a man and stay in the same place and talk. Don't play a game of running away and expecting her to chase you.

And believe me, there's very little point in talking to someone who is drinking heavily. More often than not the conversation goes around in circles and then the person remembers little or nothing of it afterwards anyway. Living with an alcoholic is no fun. And 'supporting' an alcoholic is probably the worst thing you can do. It's called enabling, and is recognised to be destructive to both the alcoholic and the person who thinks they are 'supporting'. All your doing is propping up, rather than supporting.

Supporting you to get better is actually staying away and NOT being there. Not allowing you to wallow. Not allowing you a way back in with no consequences. Otherwise why would you change?

lurker2000

If you can answer the question as to why when the going gets tough, you abandon her and shut her out instead of leaning on her and getting through these tough times together, you'll get to the nub of the issue. Admitting you have a problem is half the battle but instead of wining her back with empty promises, for your own sake and hers, tackle this repetitive downward spiral for once and for all. If there is no future for you bothat the end, at least you will have a chance of happiness with someone else.

Idle Passerby

On average, once every year you have abandoned her for weeks/months and it's only when she packs her bags and leaves that you cop on and sort yourself out. Only for it to happen all over again the following year.

You chose to walk out and crawl into a drunken stupor your parents house. No self respecting person would continually drag someone back after that.

You should have heard alarm bells when she suggested you live separately. She had rightly decided she needed a less involved relationship with you. With that pattern of behaviour it was never going to get closer.

Let her go, no one needs the headache of a life the two of you seemed to have. Best of luck with tackling your issues, that's something you need to do for yourself.

Always Be Closing

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Did she ever go to you? Maybe she did the first time, and the second time.. maybe after the 6th time she decided what she was doing wasn't working and wasn't helping.

It almost sounds like you walk away wanting her to chase you down. If you want to talk to her, Be a man and stay in the same place and talk. Don't play a game of running away and expecting her to chase you.

And believe me, there's very little point in talking to someone who is drinking heavily. More often than not the conversation goes around in circles and then the person remembers little or nothing of it afterwards anyway. Living with an alcoholic is no fun. And 'supporting' an alcoholic is probably the worst thing you can do. It's called enabling, and is recognised to be destructive to both the alcoholic and the person who thinks they are 'supporting'. All your doing is propping up, rather than supporting.

Supporting you to get better is actually staying away and NOT being there. Not allowing you to wallow. Not allowing you a way back in with no consequences. Otherwise why would you change?

I never drank around her. In 6 years. Like I said, I could go 6 months to a year without even wanting a drink as life was so good with her, then something would happen and a switch would go off and I'd try black it out.

No, she never came to me, not once. I'd have my setback with a personal problem, a few weeks would pass, I'd snap out of it, get back to work and college, back to gym, let a few months pass and make contact.

There was consequences the last time - she wouldn't move back in with me. And I don't blame her.

And again, I'm not in denial or denying any of you guys points as every one of them was true.

But this wasn't some sort of barbaric, toxic relationship.

We never fought.

Someone would die in my family or something at work, and I just couldn't cope.

I'm clearly weak and scared to man up to reality.

That's an entirely different issue to being an alcoholic as I don't ever drink, I hate it. Maybe 10 times in 6 years.

But I can't let this go. It's just not gonna happen. This will have to be the biggest wake up call of my life and I'll have to address everything before ever having a chance again

Exclamation Marc

Your relationship will not prosper until you have sorted your own issues out. It won't survive full stop.

You should focus on fixing yourself and then see if the relationship can be salvaged. You're on a merry go round at the moment and you won't fix or help yourself whilst you're with her. It'll be the same old same old and it is flat out unhealthy to break up that many times.

She deserves better and maybe you can be that when you've sorted your issues out.

Big Bag of Chips

But it's not your choice. You can beg and plead all you like, but if she doesn't want to continue the cycle then it's all irrelevant. The consequence last time was a she wouldn't move back in with you. Yet, off you went again. I'd imagine her mind is made up now. Not living with you, would make walking away completely the next time all the easier.

Sort your life out. That is the only chance you have if being happy. We are all going to have bereavements in our lives. We all have work stresses, money stresses, life stresses, but most of us don't have the option of checking in and out of daily life when these things happen. We just deal with it and get in with it.

Imagine if you ended up back with her, and had children....

What would happen in that case when something happened and you couldn't cope? What if she decided she couldn't cope and she disappeared off, leaving you alone?

Whether you drink once a year or every weekend is irrelevant. It's the fact that when you do drink you disappear. And as we get older and life gets more complicated our problems become more... So your drinking will become more.

I'm happy to hear that you are committed to getting help for yourself. That should be your number 1 priority now. Everything after that will fall in to place. But you need to be open to all suggestions.

2cool4school

Always Be Closing wrote: »

I never drank around her. In 6 years. Like I said, I could go 6 months to a year without even wanting a drink as life was so good with her, then something would happen and a switch would go off and I'd try black it out.

No, she never came to me, not once. I'd have my setback with a personal problem, a few weeks would pass, I'd snap out of it, get back to work and college, back to gym, let a few months pass and make contact.

There was consequences the last time - she wouldn't move back in with me. And I don't blame her.

And again, I'm not in denial or denying any of you guys points as every one of them was true.

But this wasn't some sort of barbaric, toxic relationship.

We never fought.

Someone would die in my family or something at work, and I just couldn't cope.

I'm clearly weak and scared to man up to reality.

That's an entirely different issue to being an alcoholic as I don't ever drink, I hate it. Maybe 10 times in 6 years.

But I can't let this go. It's just not gonna happen. This will have to be the biggest wake up call of my life and I'll have to address everything before ever having a chance again

mate you have to get it together, it's not up to you whether it gets let go, its up to her. your attitude screams control problem, the problem being you.

seems like she's twigged you're the same as her da and will do a runner when the going gets tough, fair play to her for dropping you on that basis. there's a serious, unhealthy sense of entitlement from your posts, you need to wise up and leave her be, she's not "your" anything anymore. sounds like she's decided to improve her own situation finally, she deserves a break so I hope she sticks to her guns and you guys remain finished.

good luck with working your own issues out, work hard and you might end up deserving someone as good as your ex in the future.

splinter65

The best thing that can have happened both you and she is that she has finally met a new guy who deserves to be with her.
She sounds like a lovely caring person and you sound like you need to find someone who won’t let you treat her like a doormat.
You’ve had a least 6 chances and it’s obvious to me that you just don’t care enough about her, you just can’t bear to think that she would have a life with somebody else.
You’ll meet someone else who will straighten you out, but it won’t be her.
Just leave her be, she doesn’t deserve this rubbish.

Fall_Guy

Always Be Closing wrote: »

That's a fair point but I didn't ask for the problems which instigated my breakdowns either.

She cried, I was there. I drank to forget, she wasn't.

But this isn't a blame game. I know I'm the one in the wrong here. I f*cked up time and time again not dealing with my problems like a man.

Can you not see the huge contradictions here?? You say you were the one in the wrong, but say 'i didn't ask for the problems which instigated my breakdowns either'....I mean that goes without saying, who would ask for that??

You also say its not a blame game, but you clearly do blame her for not hunting you down when you chose to leave your home together to go on drinking binges. You also say you were there for her when she cried....do you think its possible she may have done some crying during the six weeks you would fall off the grid and be indulging in oblivion?? Could you claim to have been there for that?

Its clear you have a number of unresolved issues, and its great that you have identified them. Its also good that your relationship wasn't full of constant abuse....but surely you can accept that a partner is within their rights to feel like they can't continue a relationship with someone who disappears for weeks at a time? As in, no sane person would want a relationship under those conditions. Ever.

I have no doubt that she has her own issues. Everyone does. But unless her issues also lead to her going AWOL for weeks at a time it is not in anyway hypocritical for her to feel that it is your issues, rather than hers, that are the reason the relationship is not viable at this time.

Good luck working through your own issues, its a tough road but you can get there. I've a similar personality to yourself in that in times of crisis my default setting was/is to take a sledgehammer to my brain and self-medicate...but knowing this is whats happening is half the battle. The next half is having the resolve to override that default programme and make a better choice for your own mental health.

LegacyUser

You say the relationship isn’t toxic!? It’s the epitome of toxic. She suffered abandonment as a small kid at every year for 6 years you’ve abandoned her for months on end. You’ve made choices, chosen to walk away, chosen to drink, chosen not to meet birth mother. She is entitled to make the choice not to chase. If she’s any cop on she won’t take you back.

shesty

You are saying you won't let it go....but she sounds like she is letting it go.And at the end of the day, there's two of you involved, not just you.
Once, maybe at a push twice, I might understand.Six times?I wouldn't have let it get that far myself.Let it go, to be honest I don't think it's your decision anymore.

Always Be Closing

shesty wrote: »

You are saying you won't let it go....but she sounds like she is letting it go.And at the end of the day, there's two of you involved, not just you.
Once, maybe at a push twice, I might understand.Six times?I wouldn't have let it get that far myself.Let it go, to be honest I don't think it's your decision anymore.

I just can't let go. I know deep down if I could fix myself for good, how good we are together. That's my priority.

I'm not expecting to win her back in a day, a week, a month or even a year.

But I know if I ultimately overcome whatever demons are eating me, how good we are together.

I won't give up

leggo

OP please don't spend a year trying to win this girl back.

She's broken up with you. She doesn't want anything to do with you anymore. If you continue to contact her to try 'win her back' when she's made it clear she doesn't want to talk, you're harassing her.

You need to keep going to counselling and learn how to cope with issues. Focus on that for now and assume your relationship is over. If she decides she wants to talk about getting back together down the line, let that be HER choice, not as a result of you harassing her until she gives in.

You don't get to treat people how you want without consequences. Your inability to deal with issues has cost you this relationship, and will cost you more if you don't see to them in future. Now leave her alone.

LegacyUser

My boyfriend used to play this card. Wanted to be chased or begged to stay as he'd threaten to leave after every argument. Except i didn't chase because I knew if I did it once he would continue doing so leaving me weary upset and angry. So I opened the door for him every single time until he realised that's not how to act in a relationship.
It's the same with you wanting her to chase you to your parents and be plagued with someone pleading for you to cop on.

I'm glad she thinks more of herself to be treated like that! She sounds like a mature adult

Batgurl

What will it take to make you understand...ITS NOT YOUR CHOICE?!?

She sounds like she’s made up her mind and more power to her. Like others have said, six times is enough to turn anyone off.

Please just leave her alone. You can’t even begin to comprehend how you’ve made her feel. You are too fixated on how you feel, how you are gonna go through it. You genuinely don’t care about her. Moreso how she is gonna make you feel. Leave her be. For her sake. Please!

iamwhoiam

Always Be Closing wrote: »

I just can't let go. I know deep down if I could fix myself for good, how good we are together. That's my priority.

I'm not expecting to win her back in a day, a week, a month or even a year.

But I know if I ultimately overcome whatever demons are eating me, how good we are together.

I won't give up

Leave her alone and stop this selfish self absorbed entitled behavour

Always Be Closing

Ok guys

Loud and clear

I'll drop it for both our sakes

Wesser

What do you mean I can't.let her go.
That sounds really controlling
She is free to.do whatever she wants.
It's not a questioning if letting her go.or not. Is up.to her!!!
How should you play it?
You should not play it all. Adults in responsible relationships do t try to manipulate eachother. They respect each others wishes.

FurBabyMomma

OP, I'm truly sorry for the loss of your birth mother and other issues you have encountered. I think your first port of call should be your GP, as you seem to recognise that running away and self-medicating as a coping mechanism is simply one of the most destructive things you can do.

However, having been so wrapped up in your own problems seems to have rendered you blind to how self-absorbed you're being. You've been on here asking how you can get your way in this horrible situation yet again. You've not expressed concern and asked what is best for your ex at all. You keep saying your priority is getting her back. Your priority should be getting yourself back on track and leaving your ex to make herself and her happiness a her priority, in whatever form that may choose.

Regarding the break-ups, you seem to have no concept of how all this has been for her. You think up a break up should be you running away and her chasing you down and dragging you back because you're too depressed to get out of bed? Nope. Guess what? It's likely that the first and second time you walked out SHE was too depressed to get out of bed because her boyfriend had disappeared and broken her heart. It's likely she spent hours on the phone and in person, crying her eyes out with her mother and friends. It's likely she was stressed about paying rent and bills while left in the lurch. It's likely she tried to put on a brave face in public while wondering what she did to deserve this. It's likely she felt the same abandonment and helplessness she did when her dad walked out at 8 years old. It's likely the 3rd, 4th and 5th times, her friends were a bit less sympathetic and the "I told you so's" started. It's likely she didn't want to burden her fragile mother with her heartache yet again. It's likely she felt so alone and like a fool. It's likely the 6th time she said, NO MORE.

If you love her, recognise you do nothing but hurt her. As of yet, you've not sorted yourself out so any future you think you might have would be more of the same. And if children ended up involved, it would be a disaster. Please get the help you need, but don't expect it to come from her.

Neyite

Always Be Closing wrote: »

Ok guys

Loud and clear

I'll drop it for both our sakes

Good decision. Everyone has a right to end a relationship they feel isn't working for them. Even if the other person disagrees or still has feelings. That's her right to do that. It's been six years of chaotic drama and she is allowed to call it a day and want more for herself.



And you might not realise it, but she's helping you too. It might take losing her for good for you to finally stop blaming the world for your actions and tackle your drinking problem and your issues.

Paddy Cow

Always Be Closing wrote: »

No cheating involved, no domestic violence, no name calling, no fights- things would be going great and I'd suffer a personal setback (work related/family problems- stuff like that), it would fry my head and I'd just lose the plot, leave our place and go to my parents and self medicate drinking my problems away in my old bedroom.

I really hate that term. Alcohol is a depressant, not medication. You were self harming, not self medicating.

You keep claiming that things were great in the relationship and you never argued. Arguing is not a bad thing. It's normal to have differing opinions and arguing is actually healthy, as you learn to deal with conflict in the relationship.

You don't seem to have learned to deal with your emotions and when something happens, you run and hide away with alcohol. The last time you did it the consequence was your girlfriend wouldn't move back in with you. The consequence this time is that you lost her. Your relationship was not great or healthy. Giving someone the silent treatment (which is what you did when you ran away) IS a form of abuse and was doubly cruel as you know she struggles with her father abandoning her.

Do both of you a favour and learn from this. You need to figure out why you have such poor coping skills before you enter into another relationship. It comes across more like you are obsessing over the is woman, rather than truly respecting her. You are caught in a cycle of running away and winning her back, only to run away again. Break the cycle.

Rikand

Always Be Closing wrote: »

our

You're finally on the first step to recovery. Everything before this post was I and me from you. You've now accepted that there is two people who need to be happy and I hope you can continue to move on in the same positive vein from here.

GL OP

LegacyUser

You're an abuser. You don't see it that way, people who abuse rarely do, but what you've done to her over time is psychologically and emotionally damaging and will leave her with scars for a long time to come.

You're taking advantage of the fact that childhood trauma has left her with abandonment issues and used that to leverage your way back into a relationship with her several times now. You're taking out your own pain on her, making her suffer over things that are not her fault. You continue to do things that you know hurt her, despite seeing all the pain it puts her through you just keep on repeating it causing damage every time. You are actively hurting her and taking advantage of the fact that she loves and cares for you. You have her caught in a cycle of abuse where you treat her like crap, make amends and everything is good again until the next trigger and you're off again.

To top it all off, you're also refusing to respect the fact that she no longer wants anything to do with you, being pushy and harassing her, insisting that you will get her back.

This is how abusive relationships work. You are entitled, destructive, dismissive and disrespectful. You'll continue to act like this as long as you can get away with it.

Leave her alone. She needs therapy to sort through what you've put her through. She needs to be away from you to clear her head and get some perspective on what life is like when you're not at risk of being treated so badly by someone you love.

You need to find a therapist who has experience working with abusers and start to educate yourself on your abusive patterns and what you can do about them. You need to get help for your alcoholism and the triggers that set you off. The last thing you should be doing is continuing to push this girl's boundaries, leave her in peace to get better without you. Focus on yourself, figure out how you managed to end up so toxic, how you ever thought it was okay to treat someone who cares about you this way, and work on never being this cruel to anyone again.