Is my new man lacking in generosity or is it differing values?

Addle

You really can't hold it against him for not paying for the petrol, he did offer after all.
You have expectations of him that he is completely oblivious to (the ice cream), so you should vocalise your concerns before you decide to start to resent his behaviour.
However, if he makes you cringe, then you don't respect him. I think those kind of feelings are very difficult to get over. What will happen with you're in the company of others?
For both your sakes, I think you should end the relationship.

LegacyUser

OP it doesnt look too good on him i think but are you having other doubts that are making you thinking of ending it?

ginandtonicsky

Did he offer anything by way of thanks for your parents offering up their holiday home? Didn't foot the bill for any meals, drinks, etc? How were your first few dates with him, did he take it in turns or go out of his way to get the first date / round of drinks in etc?

On the face of it, you can't expect him to be a mindreader as far as the insistent "no you're grand"s when he offered for petrol whilst expecting that he'd do it anyway etc. Or expecting that he'd buy you an icecream when perhaps he just really didn't fancy the idea of standing in line all day for a measly ice pop etc.

But on the other hand, if your nature is to always be generous where possible, to treat the people you care about and that's your expectation in a relationship, I think this is going to be a fundamental compatibility issue. For what it's worth I'd be very much like you tbh. I jump almost too quickly to pay for those that I care for, and really value that kind of generosity and kindness in a partner. The opposite of it would repulse me a little tbh.

cailin.

I'm not going to give consensus advice based on your replies to some queries, OP.

How else is the relationship going? 2 months is still a relatively short space of time. This guy can't be expected to be a mind-reader to pay for petrol when you said it was okay for him not to. You're going to set the precedent going forward when you end up doing the driving. If you get on and this is only a recent thing you're noticing then I'd have a chat with him about your expectations around who pays for stuff/ when. Weekends away are costly in themselves so he might not have the finances to be splashing out for anything extra or thoughtful. Is he saving?
I wouldn't walk away straight off without talking to him. Everything else you describe sounds positive for a newly developing relationship and sometimes, with all due respect to men out there, if you don't communicate your expectations they will assume everything is going grand.

osarusan

I would, and I guess most people would, keep a rough running total in their heads in situations like this, and try to balance things out when they got a chance.

So offering to pay for petrol would be one thing, but if that was turned down, you'd still be looking for another way to do it when the opportunity came up.

Maybe there's enough doubt and mitigation in the circumstances so far to give him the benefit of things? Anyway, if he is a stinge, it will become clear eventually.

Also, is it the money itself that's an issue, or is it a more general lack of gratitude/appreciation that gets to you? (getting the ice-cream seems more about the latter as the cost wouldn't come near a tank of fuel).

racso1975

You need to talk or walk OP. The small things are already annoying you.....talking about the price of cake....which is fare enough if it was pricey, mentioning it does not mean he has any issue or regret paying for it nor is it him grand standing that he paid so much for a piece of cake.

Being annoyed over not getting into as you said, a "ridiculously" long line for ice-cream. It might not have seemed practical to him but for you it was a gesture that you need.

I think if you want a man who for all intents and purposes, will treat you in a certain way, you need to make that way clear to him or keep looking till you find one that automatically meets your requirement and that may be a long search.

orthsquel

I'm curious OP, when you wanted the ice-cream, did you get in the queue yourself, get one for yourself, or one for both? Or did you go without? The cake that he did get for you with the coffee, was it overpriced above the norm for what you got, or value for money at around a fiver and a decent slice, with cream/ice cream?

You have an expectation of being treated well, and treat others well. It doesn't sound like he is reciprocating on the same level as you, in the way you may expect.

Did he show appreciation for your driving in other ways? did he do anything for you like help pack the car, carry your luggage, clean up after having a meal in the holiday home, etc?

If he's falling short of the expectation, either you should revise down your expectation and accept his efforts - bear in mind he may not want to overly invest so early into a relationship, in the way no party would like to loose money on someone without it being a sure thing, or may not have the finances - and appreciation in other ways (even a thank you), or you have to accept that if you're feeling it's not enough then you may want to consider things. I would suggest though if you book another trip away and requires travelling a distance, you do have a choice to drive or not or take alternative means. It would however, limit your options, so then if you drive, then be upfront about splitting petrol costs rather than building up resentment.

messy tessy

Helpanon wrote: »

He bought my coffee and cake later that day, but then outside commented outside on the price of cake. I remember actually cringing inwardly

I would have been tempted to comment about the price of petrol!

Is he for real?! The one thing he 'treated' you to, he made you feel uncomfortable about. I am all for things being 50/50 in a relationship, in fact insist on it. But that's not the case here. If someone comes across as a bit stingy in a relationship, I would be having second thoughts.

lawred2

baby and crumble wrote: »

It's a polite way of being gender neutral. :rolleyes:

ah that would make sense - that's good to know..

I hope you weren't rolling your eyes at me because that would make you a bit of a dick

skallywag

Helpanon wrote: »

I paid for breakfast one morning, 2nd morning we split it, even though we paid together at the counter

This part strikes a chord with me, surely the onus was on him to pay the second time round.

The point about the Ice Cream sounds unreasonable to me though.

Textronic

skallywag wrote: »

This part strikes a chord with me, surely the onus was on him to pay the second time round.

There's a few chords in fairness

It's generous to think the boyfriend is other than tight

Katgurl

I'm generous too OP and I hate finding myself around people who make me feel taken advantage of. I find generosity very attractive. It's not about the money, it's that tight people tend IME to be suspicious and selfish.

I thoroughly disagree that the onus was on you to follow up about the petrol money, anytime I've been in his ssituation I have nearly come to blows to get them to accept the petrol money. He definitely didn't have to go get you an ice cream but it would have been nice. The letting you pay for breakfast then splitting it the next day... Ugh.

I dated a guy quite similar to this a few years ago. It wasn't that he did anything massively wrong, just that we had incompatible attitudes to money. It put me off him. I found him almost paranoid that I was going to get something for free off him. Maybe he'd been burned in the past but that's not my problem.

If you really like him then give it a while and maybe try a few direct remarrks when these situations arise again.

heretothere

I would think the not appreciating how tiring the driving would be down to him not driving but he should insist on contributing towards the petrol. He is 30 he knows it didn't run there on fresh air! Even when ye split the bill for dinner 'no, no I'll get this now sure you got the petrol' would be reasonable to expect.

I can't stand stingy people too. When I lived in Oz I got a job 2 days in (pure luck!) my boyfriend didn't get one for nearly 2 months. So I just paid for everything. When he did get a job he covered rent/ bills for 2 months. My friend was shocked, her boyfriend was keeping a running total of what she owed him once she got a job :O down to splitting the food shop to the cent.

They are still together but the stinginess got to her after a while and she ended up exploding at him! They worked it out, so if everything else in the relationship is good I'm sure you can work it out too. Although she did say he had said he planned to propose in the next 5 yrs. It been 8 yrs. Probably horrified to part with the cost of a ring even though he would be on serious money. Stingy people are just stingy and wont really change.

I'd keep an eye over the next few weeks to see how he is when it's his round or turn to pay for something. Next time he does offer money for petrol take him up on it.

Appledreams15

I feel that there have been times i didnt contribute to petrol money. As a non driver for a long time, it just didn't really enter my head.

When one girl who drove us both somewhere asked me outright at the start for 20 euros, I said yes sure!

Other people didn't ask, and I didnt think of it.

A bit of, when you don't drive you kind of live in your non driver's bubble.

ginandtonicsky

Appledreams15 wrote: »

I feel that there have been times i didnt contribute to petrol money. As a non driver for a long time, it just didn't really enter my head.

When one girl who drove us both somewhere asked me outright at the start for 20 euros, I said yes sure!

Other people didn't ask, and I didnt think of it.

A bit of, when you don't drive you kind of live in your non driver's bubble.

The lack of petrol money is only one part of the puzzle here though. If it was an isolated incident it would be understandable, but when someone's exhibiting that same reluctance to put their hands in their pocket in multiple scenarios it paints a bigger picture.

KathleenGrant

I would also be wary of someone who would seem stingy early in a relationship, especially if nothing was said to explain it. I have had boyfriends who were not earning or who were in difficult financial circumstances but were upfront about it and I either paid or we found something free/cheap to do. For me the behaviour you mention would come across as a lack of appreciation and being thoughtless. If he does not consider your feelings this early in a relationship he definitely won't later.

Assassin saphir

To me he sounds like a tight ass. Broke or not a coffee and cake is not too expensive.

Btw I hate non drivers as a driver myself. Always looking for lifts and ruining my car time. As a woman I would find a 30 something man who couldn't drive very unattractive and this would be a deal breaker for me. It sounds harsh but it screams laziness, lack of motivation and is just weird.

messy tessy

To be fair if you have lived in Dublin all your life I could understand not having a car.
The stinginess would bother me so much more than not being able to drive or having a car.

seachto7

Assassin saphir wrote: »

To me he sounds like a tight ass. Broke or not a coffee and cake is not too expensive.

Btw I hate non drivers as a driver myself. Always looking for lifts and ruining my car time. As a woman I would find a 30 something man who couldn't drive very unattractive and this would be a deal breaker for me. It sounds harsh but it screams laziness, lack of motivation and is just weird.

While it's not the norm, is it a case he can't drive, or can, but just doesn't have a car? If I could, I'd do without a car. I hate driving.
If it was New York or London, it would probably be the norm not to have a car.
I do find it a bit weird that someone wouldn't learn how to drive in their 30s, but I know people who can't cycle a bike and I find that weird.
I don't see the issue of someone not driving. So what. With the cost of motoring going up and up, who can blame them. Maybe they are doing their bit for the environment and take public transport?
It's the same as "You're renting? You don't own your own place?" Or "He only drives a Ford Fiesta"

Emme

messy tessy wrote: »

To be fair if you have lived in Dublin all your life I could understand not having a car.
The stinginess would bother me so much more than not being able to drive or having a car.

It all depends where he is living. If he is living in the city and uses public transport to get around then fair enough. But if he has a partner with a car he should offer to pay for petrol AND FOLLOW IT UP.

If a guy in a rural area or country town doesn't drive it's definitely a deal breaker. Especially if he has had his licence endorsed because of drink driving.

LegacyUser

Emme wrote: »

But if he has a partner with a car he should offer to pay for petrol AND FOLLOW IT UP.

he offered, she REFUSED to take money

LegacyUser

Thanks all for the input. Can this thread be locked please?

Heckler

I was with my now ex-wife 4 months when I took her to Paris, paying for the flights and acommodation. She insisted on paying for lots of stuff when we were there. Museums, food etc.

I didn't care about the money. I wasn't earning much by a long shot but I was crazy about her and sure, I wanted to impress her. Which is what any fella should be doing early in a relationship if hes interested.

Not moaning about a slice of cake.