Is my new man lacking in generosity or is it differing values?

LegacyUser

Female 30, going out with someone around similar age. Going to be a long one because I want to try give proper context to see people’s opinions. Going out with a new guy, I like him, still at the getting to know stage, only about 2 months in. We get on well, have similar interests. We’ve done a couple of weekends away, just back from one there and there is something that concerns me and wanted to get other people’s opinions and advice on.
I dont want to throw someone who I might have potential with away, and so far he has a lot of good qualities except for one thing that I am noticing, which is that I’m not really sure if he is over generous when it comes to money.
He doesnt drive so the first weekend away I drove us about the whole weekend, down to a county which was 2 hours away, and a few hours to different places over the course of the weekend. While he offered to pay for petrol once, I didn’t take him up on it then and there and that was the last it was mentioned, so I am aware that I might be partially to blame for that, and I may have to be more forward about these things. I would have fobbed it off with something like “we can sorted that later” etc.
After driving us to a castle, he realised he had forgotten something for his camera which was why we were there-to take photos, so we drove back to collect it and returned to the castle, was only a 15 min drive each way. But later at the place I said at one point I’d like an ice cream when we were there and he jokingly said “**** off” because the queue was long for it. The queue was ridiculous in fairness, but it would have been a nice gesture considering I drove us down and drove us to different spots the whole day previously and the two trips to the castle that day. I was quite tired after all the driving that weekend, as I am now from the trip this weekend. It takes it out of you.

The trip this weekend he mentioned once or twice about petrol money but didnt put anything in when i was putting in petrol, he actually went to the bathroom.
I paid for breakfast one morning, 2nd morning we split it, even though we paid together at the counter. He bought my coffee and cake later that day, but then outside commented outside on the price of cake. I remember actually cringing inwardly.
We ended up going for a fancy dinner on the saturday, I had to say to him that desert early bird with starter was only a fiver more than without desert.
He didnt offer to pay for mine, as any gesture for petrol or for the fact i drove us around all of that weekend as well. I am a generous person, and I find it even uncomfortable for me to have this tally in my head of stuff being paid for or not being paid for and Im worried about resentment building up. I thought even a gesture to offer for the dinner would have been lovely since I’d literally driven us around all weekend, and I’m concerned that so early on this might be a flag. Thing is I dont want to have to chase someone up over money, I’m used to dealing with generous people in relationships as I would be in them, and I try to show my appreciation to folk, be it through paying for the odd meal, treats here and there, bills being split 50/50 is fine too, but gestures of appreciation I thing are important. I am aware that people have different values when it comes to this and his style might be different to mine but I need some input here.
Any advice? Should I talk to him, should I walk? Or is that even enough information to make a decision? What have folk done in similar situations? Putting all of this aside which, reading back does not look good, I have a great time with him and am starting to really like him. Help!

Mokuba

If you want petrol money, probably best to not say that you don't want petrol money when it is offered.

Redser87

Does his job pay as well as yours OP? He may feel embarrassed not being able to pay for things and is dealing with it by joking. It might help to find out his priorities - maybe he's saving for a deposit or his rent is killing him. Maybe at this early stage a big, serious conversation might be too much, but listen carefully between the lines next time the housing crisis comes up, for instance. For me, paying for things is the smaller issue here, I think not feeling appreciated can eat away at you though. Did he show you his appreciation any other way, even saying how lovely it was to be together or anything?

lalababa

If the op were a man he'd be laughed out this court.
Down to basics: if he's good in bed I'd be filling the tank to the brim with a smile.

Textronic

Unless he can't afford it he should have contributed more to the weekend overall

If he can afford it it's a sign of what to expect

lawred2

I carried on like this lad in my first serious relationship as a twenty year old. I cringe looking back on it. As a thirty year old I'd expect this lad to be making a bit more of an effort.

beauf

Mokuba wrote: »

If you want petrol money, probably best to not say that you don't want petrol money when it is offered.

It's not about petrol money. It's about general attitude to money.

If you can't afford something, making an effort to queue up to buy an ice scream is a nice gesture.

I would have concerns. But then they might be incredibly thrifty. It would be better if they could discuss money openly so there is no ambiguity.

Sleeper12

I'm autistic. I'm not sure if it's relevant here but I am. If I offered to help pay for petrol & you said no I'd take you at your word & wou never off again. I'm anything but tight with money but no means no.

You are a few months in as you say. Nothing wrong with a little chat about splitting the bill for the whole weekend down the middle. If things work out for you you'll be splitting a lot more than petrol down the road.

LegacyUser

Hi all, thanks for the replies.
I want to clarify it’s not really about the petrol money, but more an acknowledgement or gesture of some sort of appreciation, be it symbolically through even buying an ice-cream etc. I’m happy to put in effort that way, but for me I suppose it’s easier to do when it’s reflected back in the person I’m going out with.

Melendez

This post has been deleted.

lawred2

Melendez wrote: »

This post has been deleted.

don't think she came across that way to me

K_P

It's early days and you're basing a lot of this off one weekend. It's my experience that people who don't drive often don't realise or appreciate the effort involved in it so you're probably on a hiding to nothing expecting that effort to be paid back. He did offer you petrol money and you refused so you're somewhat at fault there. As for dinner, did you split it or did you pay? If you split it, I don't see the problem; if it was you paying, it's not exactly a red flag but I wouldn't be hugely impressed either.

There are different ways people show appreciation and affection. Some people spend money, some will spend time with you and be attentive, for others it's compliments or they will do things for you. Does he show appreciation in other ways?

To me, it seems like differing values, not that he's especially stingy. But it's clear you are already starting to resent him by adding up time spent driving and other wrongs. Once you start resenting him or seeing him like that, I don't see a way back from there to be honest.

EDIT: Sorry, on re-reading I see this is based on a few weekends. If this last weekend, he talked about petrol money but never actually offered or gave you any, then it's up to you to ask for it. He's definitely not overly-generous but he doesn't sound like a complete stinge either. (Maybe after reading the Stingey thread in After Hours, nothing will shock me anymore.) He'll probably pay if you ask for it, but I do totally understand not wanting to ask for it, nor should you have to really. It needlessly creates awkwardness when just a bit of self-awareness and cop-on from him is needed. My suggestion is start asking for petrol money, see if the penny drops and he's a bit fairer with things from then on. If not, you'll only start to resent him more and more and I don't see this going anywhere.

sbsquarepants

He's a tight arse - no doubt about it. Would be a total deal breaker for me, I can't stand meanness whatsoever.
Basically he's happy to leave you pay for everything, but when he's paying you go halves - No, people like that can fúck right off as far as I'm concerned!

hawley

He should have offered to pay for more over the two weekends. I suppose it depends on who paid for the hotel, maybe if he booked and paid for them, he might expect you to cover everything else over the weekend. Honestly though, sounds like you should dump him.

woodchuck

It's my experience that people who don't drive often don't realise or appreciate the effort involved in it

This! Is the only issue in relation to driving on weekends away?

I think you need to be a bit more open about the cost of petrol the next time you go away and don't be "polite" by refusing his offer of petrol money - presumably you wouldn't do this when paying the hotel bill, so why do it for petrol? Make sure the expenses are clearly laid out ahead of time. Presumably you both know how much the hotel is going to cost, so you should also let him know how much the journey will cost (petrol and tolls if relevant). That way there shouldn't be any confusion about how much the weekend costs and you can split it evenly.

The money is easily sorted, but appreciation for you doing the actual driving, not so much If he doesn't drive himself, he won't be able to appreciate all the energy/effort that is involved.

baby and crumble

Who booked & paid for all the accomodation for these weekends? Because two nights in a nice hotel with breakfast could easily set you back €300, not sure why you'd be concerned about him not buying an icecream if he's forked out €600 over 2 weekends, to be fair...

LegacyUser

Thanks for the feedback so far. I just want to clarify for posters saying if he paid for the accommodation-the first weekend was actually in my parents holiday home, so neither of us paid for accommodation there. Second trip we split the accommodation.
Of course I would never ever want or expect someone to fork out for accommodation and pay it in full and on top of that expect them to foot the bill for everything else?! As I have said before I think being generous and fair in a relationship is important, I am not tight with money, far from it, and it’s not about the actual money for the petrol but showing a gesture of appreciation!

Thanks all for the input, I appreciate it.

woodchuck

baby and crumble wrote: »

Who booked & paid for all the accomodation for these weekends? Because two nights in a nice hotel with breakfast could easily set you back €300, not sure why you'd be concerned about him not buying an icecream if he's forked out €600 over 2 weekends, to be fair...

To be fair, there is no reason to think that they didn't split the hotel bill. The OP can confirm, but that was certainly the impression I got from her post. As you said, who would care about petrol money if the other person has paid for the hotel?

italodisco

From. A male perspective, this guy sounds like a cranky tight ass.

When I think back to my dating days, I would have been trying my best to impress, not sitting around moaning about the price of cake and coffee and I certainly wouldn't have had a problem standing in a que for an hour to get her that ice cream she wanted lol

This guy will be one of those that spends his life saying no to everything, 'sure ye can buy that in lidl for 50 cent' type clown for sure.

Move on, asap

LegacyUser

OP here. To clarify we split this weekend accommodation, and the first weekend we spent was actually in my parent’s holiday home. I would never ever expect anyone to fork out for accommodation for me-at all. Really want to make that clear.

baby and crumble wrote: »

Who booked & paid for all the accomodation for these weekends? Because two nights in a nice hotel with breakfast could easily set you back €300, not sure why you'd be concerned about him not buying an icecream if he's forked out €600 over 2 weekends, to be fair...

witchgirl26

OP in terms of commenting on the price of the cake - I've a friend who is like this. He is hyper aware about money. I wouldn't call him tight but he'll openly state if he thinks something is overpriced and will talk about the cost of things in a similar way.

The petrol thing, people who don't drive often don't get it when it comes to how much petrol costs. You refused the payment once but say yourself that he offered again. I wouldn't have expected him to hand the cash over when you were filling up (and you mentioned he went to the bathroom) but it's up to you to follow up on it. If I was in his position and offered but it was never followed up, I could easily forget to hand it over. Not out of badness but just sheer not thinking.

2 months in and you seem to basing all this on a couple of weekends away. The question is more around what he is like the rest of the time.

leggo

I was dating someone not too long ago and, like, my approach to paying would be as such: I'll always get the first round in on a first date, but then I'll sit there forever with an empty pint in front of me until they get the next round in. Once they do that happily? I'll pay for everything! I like treating people that I like but just hate feeling taken advantage of. This person I was dating got the first round in because they got there before me, so I didn't think twice about it, but then it was a few dates in where I suggested we go out and they said "You'll pick up the tickets right?" Now, I absolutely would've done so anyway just because I don't mind treating someone I like and hate asking people I care about to fork over money when I can afford it, but the fact that they asked me to pay for them specifically didn't sit right and made me tot up everything in my head and realise they hadn't paid for anything since that first round! Not the drinks, the meals, the activities, takeaways, nothing! Not even an offer and now they were expecting me to pay for tickets that weren't cheap!

So I brought it up with them directly and they said they were mortified and not like that at all and it was a misunderstanding. Fair enough. Then they started making a really over the top gesture of "I'll pay for this!" which I found a bit cringey tbh. If you're gonna pay, just pay, don't look for a medal. Long story short, we went out one night and, again, I realised I had paid for meal, drinks, cinema tickets, everything. So when we went up for food for the cinema, I just gave them my cinema loyalty card. They asked why and I said, "You get 25% off food with that." They had a face on them and said, "Oh you want food?" I said "Well yeah, that's what we're queuing for right?" I ordered a large popcorn combo and they pretended not to hear the word combo, so I reminded them not to forget the drink, then we went into the cinema awkwardly. I finished with them as soon as the movie was over.

My attitude now, and one I suggest you adopt yourself, is that my feelings are fair. You're a generous person and don't mind pulling your weight, but if the other person is just letting you do so then they're taking advantage of you and you should feel no shame or awkwardness in calling that out. Meanness is a seriously unattractive quality. And it tends to just be 'in' some people, you can't really teach empathy or kindness. Mean people tend not to have a concept of fairness, it's not something they can relate to because the attitude of "what's mine is mine and what's yours is mine" is bred into them. They likely had either mean parents or were spoiled and coddled as a child so that's just how they see the world. If it's in this guy (and it sounds like it is), any changes in the future are likely to be temporary to placate you before he reverts to type. So, if everything else is perfect, I'd give him the benefit of the doubt once and bring it up without feeling an ounce of shame, with a view to finishing it if things go back to the way they were.

lawred2

witchgirl26 wrote: »

OP in terms of commenting on the price of the cake - I've a friend who is like this. He is hyper aware about money. I wouldn't call him tight but he'll openly state if he thinks something is overpriced and will talk about the cost of things in a similar way.

The petrol thing, people who don't drive often don't get it when it comes to how much petrol costs. You refused the payment once but say yourself that he offered again. I wouldn't have expected him to hand the cash over when you were filling up (and you mentioned he went to the bathroom) but it's up to you to follow up on it. If I was in his position and offered but it was never followed up, I could easily forget to hand it over. Not out of badness but just sheer not thinking.

2 months in and you seem to basing all this on a couple of weekends away. The question is more around what he is like the rest of the time.

I'm not so sure about that - when filling up is exactly the right time to hand it over..

If not then you make a point of saying - I haven't got it right now but I'll sort you out later and then you do exactly that..

You don't say it - then slink off to the bathroom and never make mention of it again. The OP should not have to follow up on it.

The lad is being a mingebag.

lawred2

leggo wrote: »

I was dating someone not too long ago and, like, my approach to paying would be as such: I'll always get the first round in on a first date, but then I'll sit there forever with an empty pint in front of me until they get the next round in. Once they do that happily? I'll pay for everything! I like treating people that I like but just hate feeling taken advantage of. This person I was dating got the first round in because they got there before me, so I didn't think twice about it, but then it was a few dates in where I suggested we go out and they said "You'll pick up the tickets right?" Now, I absolutely would've done so anyway just because I don't mind treating someone I like and hate asking people I care about to fork over money when I can afford it, but the fact that they asked me to pay for them specifically didn't sit right and made me tot up everything in my head and realise they hadn't paid for anything since that first round! Not the drinks, the meals, the activities, takeaways, nothing! Not even an offer and now they were expecting me to pay for tickets that weren't cheap!

So I brought it up with them directly and they said they were mortified and not like that at all and it was a misunderstanding. Fair enough. Then they started making a really over the top gesture of "I'll pay for this!" which I found a bit cringey tbh. If you're gonna pay, just pay, don't look for a medal. Long story short, we went out one night and, again, I realised I had paid for meal, drinks, cinema tickets, everything. So when we went up for food for the cinema, I just gave them my cinema loyalty card. They asked why and I said, "You get 25% off food with that." They had a face on them and said, "Oh you want food?" I said "Well yeah, that's what we're queuing for right?" I ordered a large popcorn combo and they pretended not to hear the word combo, so I reminded them not to forget the drink, then we went into the cinema awkwardly. I finished with them as soon as the movie was over.

My attitude now, and one I suggest you adopt yourself, is that my feelings are fair. You're a generous person and don't mind pulling your weight, but if the other person is just letting you do so then they're taking advantage of you and you should feel no shame or awkwardness in calling that out. Meanness is a seriously unattractive quality. And it tends to just be 'in' some people, you can't really teach empathy or kindness. Mean people tend not to have a concept of fairness, it's not something they can relate to because the attitude of "what's mine is mine and what's yours is mine" is bred into them. They likely had either mean parents or were spoiled and coddled as a child so that's just how they see the world. If it's in this guy (and it sounds like it is), any changes in the future are likely to be temporary to placate you before he reverts to type. So, if everything else is perfect, I'd give him the benefit of the doubt once and bring it up without feeling an ounce of shame, with a view to finishing it if things go back to the way they were.

they and them? were you dating twins?

Mr. Incognito

Who paid for the hotel and accomodation?

If its him then you are taking the perverbial and not used to spending anything.

If he paid for it you paying for petrol seems fair to me.

If you split the hotel then you should split the petrol.

Dinner is at each others discretion but most couples take turns or split it

Springfields

Helpanon wrote: »

Female 30, going out with someone around similar age. Going to be a long one because I want to try give proper context to see people’s opinions. Going out with a new guy, I like him, still at the getting to know stage, only about 2 months in. We get on well, have similar interests. We’ve done a couple of weekends away, just back from one there and there is something that concerns me and wanted to get other people’s opinions and advice on.

I dont want to throw someone who I might have potential with away, and so far he has a lot of good qualities except for one thing that I am noticing, which is that I’m not really sure if he is over generous when it comes to money.
He doesnt drive so the first weekend away I drove us about the whole weekend, down to a county which was 2 hours away, and a few hours to different places over the course of the weekend. While he offered to pay for petrol once, I didn’t take him up on it then and there and that was the last it was mentioned, so I am aware that I might be partially to blame for that, and I may have to be more forward about these things. I would have fobbed it off with something like “we can sorted that later” etc.
After driving us to a castle, he realised he had forgotten something for his camera which was why we were there-to take photos, so we drove back to collect it and returned to the castle, was only a 15 min drive each way. But later at the place I said at one point I’d like an ice cream when we were there and he jokingly said “**** off” because the queue was long for it. The queue was ridiculous in fairness, but it would have been a nice gesture considering I drove us down and drove us to different spots the whole day previously and the two trips to the castle that day. I was quite tired after all the driving that weekend, as I am now from the trip this weekend. It takes it out of you.

The trip this weekend he mentioned once or twice about petrol money but didnt put anything in when i was putting in petrol, he actually went to the bathroom.
I paid for breakfast one morning, 2nd morning we split it, even though we paid together at the counter. He bought my coffee and cake later that day, but then outside commented outside on the price of cake. I remember actually cringing inwardly.
We ended up going for a fancy dinner on the saturday, I had to say to him that desert early bird with starter was only a fiver more than without desert.
He didnt offer to pay for mine, as any gesture for petrol or for the fact i drove us around all of that weekend as well. I am a generous person, and I find it even uncomfortable for me to have this tally in my head of stuff being paid for or not being paid for and Im worried about resentment building up. I thought even a gesture to offer for the dinner would have been lovely since I’d literally driven us around all weekend, and I’m concerned that so early on this might be a flag. Thing is I dont want to have to chase someone up over money, I’m used to dealing with generous people in relationships as I would be in them, and I try to show my appreciation to folk, be it through paying for the odd meal, treats here and there, bills being split 50/50 is fine too, but gestures of appreciation I thing are important. I am aware that people have different values when it comes to this and his style might be different to mine but I need some input here.
Any advice? Should I talk to him, should I walk? Or is that even enough information to make a decision? What have folk done in similar situations? Putting all of this aside which, reading back does not look good, I have a great time with him and am starting to really like him. Help!

If you are cringing at his responses or behaviour alarm bells should be ringing. If he is not pulling his weight at this stage it doesn't look promising I'm my opinion. You are making excuses for him already....move on and don't waste your time or money on him..

LolaJJ

Yea, he's either tight or broke.

The fact that you paid for breakfast the first day and split it the next...

The fact that he complained about the price of the cake may have been him trying to make you aware that he doesn't have a lot of money. So, potentially his heart is in the right place and he's thinking because of your generosity that you can afford more than he can so why not...

It might be really innocent.

I've an OK salary but my partner earns way more than me, he usually pays for everything but I make a point of paying for breakfasts, driving when he lets me, and looking after the smaller things, like snacks in the cinema etc. and also insisting on paying for the big things occasionally too when I can. I know for fact that this means A LOT to him as he previously dated someone who would disappear to the toilet when then bill was coming etc...I think trying to get away with not contributing is a bit rotten. I'd have a lot more respect for someone if they just opened up and said they weren't flush BEFORE making plans to go away on your buck.

It's a lot to do with consideration, which may be lacking here.

baby and crumble

lawred2 wrote: »

they and them? were you dating twins?

It's a polite way of being gender neutral. :rolleyes:

facehugger99

If it's a one-off you could probably put it down to him being a bit slow on the up-take, but you seem to be describing a pattern of behavior.

He sounds like he's mean with money. Slinking off to the bathroom when you're forking out for the petrol, moaning about the price of the cake he's grudgingly bought you, happy for you to pay for his breakfast but only offers to go half on the next one - that's tight-arsedness in all it's glory right there. If he's like this a couple of months in, it'll probably get worse.

Personally I can think of few traits more off-putting than meanness - it infests everything.

I really couldn't be dealing with someone like this - can you?

Ursus Horribilis

I really dislike the use of "they" though. It's painful to read, especially when the writer has to jump through hoops to stay gender neutral. It also makes me wonder what the person is hiding. Anyway, that's all off topic

OP, it would appear that your boyfriend is a tightwad but I think it'd be better to let this play out for a while longer and see what you think before you make a decision. There are a few ifs and buts that others have mentioned here which might be worth considering. But many if you're already bothered by this, you're half way towards making a decision anyway.

LegacyUser

Hi all, thanks for taking the time to respond, it’s something I’m going to have to really look at the next while and see how it plays out. I have a feeling it could be a lack of consideration and not actually realising, whereas I am hyper sensitive about that kind of stuff. But I think I may need to be with someone equally as sensitive about those things, feeling appreciated and speaking that same kind of love language, or at least understanding each others love language is important I think.
It’ll possibly be one discussion on the matter, but as leggo said, it’ll be one discussion only.

I went anon for this but is there any way the mods can lock this thread if possible? Thanks again all.