The right thing?

Anonfornow

So..my boyfriend of 3 years has said although he doesn’t want to, and really didn’t want us to fail, he needs to break it off with me due to my lack of affection. He is a very affectionate person and I haven’t been giving him the same back. This isn’t due to lack of love, I like to think I show love in different ways, but he says it’s not enough. He says he feels let down every single time I’m engrossed in my phone rather that hugging him on the couch, or if I don’t initiate things in the bedroom etc. All of this is true, it’s not an excuse, I am 100% as he says I am. He says he knows that deep down I love him, but that I don’t show it often enough and that he feels a left out in the cold and needs more. We’ve had this argument many times and I have tried for a while but then I slip back into my old ways, it’s hard to break the habit of a lifetime. But he’s had enough and he says he didn’t want to put us through arguing over it constantly as nothing ever changes and he’s unhappy and let down every time. He says he doesn’t believe I have it in me to change.
However, I desperately want to change and I know I can. I really don’t want to lose him over this. My question is, do I attempt to fight for this or do I stop being selfish and let him find a woman who deserves him? Does my stepping back from this just reinforce In him that I’m not bothered, unaffectionate? And if I should fight for this, what can I do to make him see that I’m really serious about him and won’t ever let him down again? I really do hate that I’ve let him down and heartbroken that I’ve lost him.

Anonfornow

Thoughts?

gmisk

If you want to fight for the relationship maybe suggest couples councilling?
You admit yourself you might have some issues when it comes to affection.

mickuhaha

Anonfornow wrote: »

So..my boyfriend of 3 years has said although he doesn’t want to, and really didn’t want us to fail, he needs to break it off with me due to my lack of affection. He is a very affectionate person and I haven’t been giving him the same back. This isn’t due to lack of love, I like to think I show love in different ways, but he says it’s not enough. He says he feels let down every single time I’m engrossed in my phone rather that hugging him on the couch, or if I don’t initiate things in the bedroom etc. All of this is true, it’s not an excuse, I am 100% as he says I am. He says he knows that deep down I love him, but that I don’t show it often enough and that he feels a left out in the cold and needs more. We’ve had this argument many times and I have tried for a while but then I slip back into my old ways, it’s hard to break the habit of a lifetime. But he’s had enough and he says he didn’t want to put us through arguing over it constantly as nothing ever changes and he’s unhappy and let down every time. He says he doesn’t believe I have it in me to change.
However, I desperately want to change and I know I can. I really don’t want to lose him over this. My question is, do I attempt to fight for this or do I stop being selfish and let him find a woman who deserves him? Does my stepping back from this just reinforce In him that I’m not bothered, unaffectionate? And if I should fight for this, what can I do to make him see that I’m really serious about him and won’t ever let him down again? I really do hate that I’ve let him down and heartbroken that I’ve lost him.

This is the real world if you want something you have to fight for it. If you don't have the energy to fight for the things you want than you need to go and explore why that is. This is not about him , he wants you but he needs something from you that he has asked for. Have a think about why your with /want him and decide what's worth it.

Xterminator

Hi OP

If you love him then its worth fighting for.

You said should I let him find someone who deserves him. this probably means you have self esteem issues, as well as difficulty showing your affection.

This does not that mean you are unloving or undeserving of love. It suggests you have some underlying issues. If you commit to going to therapy and applying changes , it may make the BF understand you are committed to the relationship and not just coasting along.

You will probably need professional help to get where you want to be in your life. So don't just tell him you love him, show him.

Anonfornow

Xterminator wrote: »

Hi OP

If you love him then its worth fighting for.

You said should I let him find someone who deserves him. this probably means you have self esteem issues, as well as difficulty showing your affection.

This does not that mean you are unloving or undeserving of love. It suggests you have some underlying issues. If you commit to going to therapy and applying changes , it may make the BF understand you are committed to the relationship and not just coasting along.

You will probably need professional help to get where you want to be in your life. So don't just tell him you love him, show him.

You’ve hit the nail on the head with the self esteem issues. I guess it’s hard to show affection to others if you can’t show affection to yourself. In recent years I’ve felt unattractive, a bit down etc.

I do want to fight for him but he works 2 weeks on and 2 weeks off. I see him on his two weeks off but as of today he’s in Edinburgh on his two weeks on. Would you fly over there to show him you care or just leave him be? We haven’t spoken much since the break up last week. A few clinical texts.

LolaJJ

I actually look at this in the complete opposite way...

I believe that your partner is the one being selfish and making this a deal breaker.

In the same way that he naturally craves affection, you don't naturally gravitate towards it.

Surely he should be willing to meet you half way, or accept this portion of your personality...Maybe it's his be-alland end-all but it seems a bit like throwing the baby out with the bathwater to me. It sounds like you really love him.

I'd be more inclined to accept his decision and let him feel your absence.

sbsquarepants

Anonfornow wrote: »

Thoughts?

Why do you have to change?

Why not him?

You can't be someone you're not for the benefit of another person.

Anonfornow

sbsquarepants wrote: »

Why do you have to change?

Why not him?

You can't be someone you're not for the benefit of another person.

I guess it comes down to wanting to be different myself. Whether he was the reason or not, I do actually want to be more affectionate and if I ever had kids I’d want them not to feel awkward about giving loved ones hugs etc and not be the way I am.

leggo

I just think the two of you just aren't compatible sadly. I get where he's coming from, I've been with people before who are glued to their phone when you're hanging out and see "What? But we're together!" as enough and it's really not if you're that kind of person. I wouldn't be crazy needy in terms of wanting to be cuddled all the time, but when I'm with someone and spending quality time my ideal would be put phones away and at least be present in enjoying this movie together. I tried it other ways but it doesn't make me happy.

But then again I also know couples who can sit together for hours, not talk and just stare at their phones or do their own thing and they love it. And I know this doesn't help you in the short-term, but it seems like this may be what you have to accept: this guy isn't for you but some guy will be.

sbsquarepants

Anonfornow wrote: »

I guess it comes down to wanting to be different myself. Whether he was the reason or not, I do actually want to be more affectionate and if I ever had kids I’d want them not to feel awkward about giving loved ones hugs etc and not be the way I am.

If you don't mind me asking - why do you feel awkward?

I wouldn't necessarily worry about kids, they have a way of worming into your affections way more than an adult ever could!

LolaJJ

Also, there is NOTHING wrong with not being an affectionate person. It's not a character flaw. I personally HATE being touched by anyone ...even shaking hands or hugging people who are not immediate family or my partner makes my arm hairs stand up on end. I've learned to walk the tightrope of being polite and touching other people as little as possible and I feel no remorse or need to change whatsoever

The fact that you are analysing this to the point where you're worried about your maternal instincts really indicates to me that your partner is making this out to be a far greater issue than it should be, it's just something he should be able to accept about you.

My partner is quite affectionate and I'm ok with him...now.... but he gets that I can only do so much.

Anonfornow

I’m from a family of non huggers! I’m ok with it, I don’t know any different and I know the love is there but it’s not shown in an obvious display of affection. It’s shown in other ways and I’m cool with that, it’s just our way.
I’ve also had boyfriends in the past who were exactly like me, he’s the first one I’ve been with who has been brought up in an ‘obvious affection’ family.
He has said he doesn’t want me to change, he thinks we’re just different and that it’s not important to me but that it’s a deal breaker for him. He told me this very early on in the relationship, that it was very important to him and that he’s broken up with girls before over it but I guess I never really took it seriously as we are very compatible in every other way that maybe I thought it wouldn’t matter? Naiive I guess considering he’s been very open about it from the start.
He has made a lot of sacrifices for me which I won’t go into here, but it’s not really a case of it all being about him, he has made some lifestyle changes for my benefit in the past and stuck to them. I guess this is why I’m so angry at myself for not pushing myself more and now it’s too late. We’re also both 34 so I guess I thought this was it.

osarusan

I guess you both have different positions on what the level and nature of contact, affection, intimacy etc should be in a relationship, and despite discussions and arguments, nothing has changed. Nobody is at fault, just a kind of incompatibility.

Do you think it ever will change? (from you, but also from him).

If not, then the problem will just rumble along as always, coming to an ugly head every now and then.

Anonfornow wrote: »

However, I desperately want to change and I know I can.

i think the issue here is that he doesn't believe this any more even if you do.

LolaJJ

Anonfornow wrote: »

He told me this very early on in the relationship, that it was very important to him and that he’s broken up with girls before over it

So he is the one with the issue.

I'd be inclined to think that long-term - pushing yourself to be more affectionate would be utterly exhausting. Maybe, if this is something that is so weirdly important for him then it's best to let it go.

I've no doubt he's a good person, there's many worse traits than wanting hugs but i'm not sure how healthy it is to base an entire relationship on it

Anonfornow

LolaJJ wrote: »

So he is the one with the issue.

I'd be inclined to think that long-term - pushing yourself to be more affectionate would be utterly exhausting. Maybe, if this is something that is so weirdly important for him then it's best to let it go.

I've no doubt he's a good person, there's many worse traits than wanting hugs but i'm not sure how healthy it is to base an entire relationship on it

Well I guess it’s more than hugging, it’s prob the fact that he feels he’s been constantly rejected for over 3 years

mickuhaha

I think we all have to remember that relationships are not like the movies and if we want to keep them it's about compromise. But only to the extent were happy to do so , after that point it's time to move on. Remember we can't read each others mind only talk thing out

Anonfornow

mickuhaha wrote: »

I think we all have to remember that relationships are not like the movies and if we want to keep them it's about compromise. But only to the extent were happy to do so , after that point it's time to move on. Remember we can't read each others mind only talk thing out

Which is exactly what I’d do if he wasn’t in another country for the next two weeks. I’d rather speak in person

LegacyUser

There needs to be a balance OP. If you feel you self esteem issues and want to address those fine but be careful about making too many changes to suit another person. What happens if you get back together and 6 months from now they have a different issue with you and they expect you to make changes yet again? I don't believe in making no effort and refusing to ever change but I also think changing who you are to suit other people is wrong.

Even if you address your self esteem issues you may still not be affectionate enough in his view and as others have said you may find yourself exhausted or resentful if you feel you've got to be 'on' all the time to keep him happy. It may be that you just aren't compatible.

meeeeh

LolaJJ wrote: »

So he is the one with the issue.

I'd be inclined to think that long-term - pushing yourself to be more affectionate would be utterly exhausting. Maybe, if this is something that is so weirdly important for him then it's best to let it go.

I've no doubt he's a good person, there's many worse traits than wanting hugs but i'm not sure how healthy it is to base an entire relationship on it

Or nobody is the one with issues, it's just that they are incompatible. And different need in for intimacy is a huge issue. This forum is full of threads where people further in the relationship struggle because one partner needs more intimacy than the other. It's not insignificant issue at all.

Op, I think you two are just incompatible. Unless there are other issues that could be resolved this could be an issue every so often regardless how hard you try.

Don't worry about affection for kids, there is more than one way to show an affection and they will feel secure and loved even if you are not tactile person.

Anonfornow

Well I have two nieces and I’m very affectionate towards them. I’m not really worried about my ability to show love to any future children, more that I want my kids to be better than me at expressing themselves.

Thought I doubt I’ll be having kids now!

Anonfornow

osarusan wrote: »

I guess you both have different positions on what the level and nature of contact, affection, intimacy etc should be in a relationship, and despite discussions and arguments, nothing has changed. Nobody is at fault, just a kind of incompatibility.

Do you think it ever will change? (from you, but also from him).

If not, then the problem will just rumble along as always, coming to an ugly head every now and then.



i think the issue here is that he doesn't believe this any more even if you do.

Yes that is the issue. So how do I change that or is it cruel to even try?

osarusan

Anonfornow wrote: »

Yes that is the issue. So how do I change that or is it cruel to even try?

I suppose he thinks that any changes on your part will be temporary and eventually you will go back to your natural behaviour. As you've had previous discussions about this, it's probably a pattern he has seen repeat itself each time.

From his perspective, if you start behaving differently (in the way that he wants) he will surely realise that this is not the real you, just an act, and I can't imagine he wants that. I imagine he wants you to behave like that because it's genuinely how you naturally feel, not because you think it's what he wants...but that simply isn't how you naturally behave.

And from your perspective, I can't imagine it would be much fun to always have to 'perform' when it comes to stuff like that, and do/be what he wants, rather than what you do/are.

This isn't anything to do with right or wrong, just a question of whether your wants/needs are compatible.

Hurling Rankings

This post has been deleted.

Anonfornow

Hurling Rankings wrote: »

Mind if I ask what age(s) you both are?

Some people (like yourself) aren't great at initiating things affection wise, and that's fine, it might never change, it's not something you can force yourself to do.

Trouble is, the worst thing in the world to do to someone who has difficulties initiating is criticise them for it, it's like chastising a shy person for not being more outgoing, you'll only force them further into their shell. And threatening to break up over it is not even the slightest bit helpful. Give me what I want or we're breaking up.

The fact that he's broken up more than one girl before, and that he wants to do so with you now, points to the issue squarely being with him, and his perceptions on how a relationship should be.

Love and affection isn't always manifested physically.

He seems to have done a brilliant job convincing you that this is all your fault, think about that, really think about that, potential emotional manipulation/abuse flag there.

What do you need?
Do you think it's reasonable he should get put out for daring to look at your phone instead of throwing yourself at him?
Do your needs ever come into the argument or is it only ever about his 'needs'?

We’re both 34.

He hasn’t really said it’s all my fault as such. He admits he needs more than a regular person but I give less than a regular person too which I guess leads to a big problem.

Tell me how

LolaJJ wrote:

I believe that your partner is the one being selfish and making this a deal breaker.

I disagree. He's being upfront and saying that the level of affection he is receiving is not enough.

He's not demanding she changes, he's informing her that he needs more so is going to finish the relationship.

They've already spoken so I imagine they have tried the meet halfway thing.

Everyone is entitled to seek what makes them happy. Would you rather he stayed in the relationship and sought affection elsewhere?

sbsquarepants

Anonfornow wrote: »

He told me this very early on in the relationship, that it was very important to him and that he’s broken up with girls before over it but I guess I never really took it seriously as we are very compatible in every other way that maybe I thought it wouldn’t matter? .

Anonfornow wrote: »

Well I guess it’s more than hugging, it’s prob the fact that he feels he’s been constantly rejected for over 3 years

He sounds very needy ?

Probably not what you want to hear Op but you may well just be incompatible - you are both coming form opposite extremes, 1 of you is always going to be unhappy with the situation.

Even if you meet in the middle you'll likely just both be unhappy with it!

benny79

Lack of affection towards your partner can kill his self esteem trust me especially as a bloke. It works both ways of course. If he didnt give you any affection you would start to think he doesn't fancy you, he's cheating or gone of you etc..etc.. You don't have to be OTT with it but the odd kiss or hug unexpected or comment that he looks nice you know yourself.. Blokes don't admit it but he goes a long way..

dellas1979

LolaJJ wrote: »

So he is the one with the issue.

Well, I wouldnt make it so black and white as to say its an issue he has. He has wants and needs like everyone.

We all speak different love languages.

Both of ye just dont speak the same.

You could "learn" his language. Or you his. Or come to a compromise.

But remember, do you want to change who you are for someone who has broken up with you over this? Or maybe meet someone who speaks the same language as you.

Anonfornow

Thanks everyone, all your comments, opinions, insights etc is forcing me to look at things from many different perspectives now, so thank you all for that.

It’s a little ironic in a way. I haven’t been very affectionate towards him yet if he stopped being affectionate towards me you can bet I wouldn’t like it. He went a bit cold on me once and it drove me mad, ie wondering what was wrong with me, was I ugly etc. I enjoy it when he showers me with affection and attention. You’d think someone like me who has difficulty expressing it herself would hate receiving it but I don’t oddly enough.

mickuhaha

I think you need to approach him , ask to have a chat when he is back and ask him if he feels like he could change his mind. After two weeks of thinking he will have made a decision in his mind about it. You could also take the time to decide your self about how you need to change for yourself because we all know your the only one that can definitely follow your own real plan. Be honest with yourself about what you want and what your willing to do for it. You could try changing your lifestyle for yourself ie a routine , gym, friends, painting, running , walking visiting places by yourself to unwind . You need to work on making yourself happy and not rely upon anyone . Be independently happy whether he is around or not. He might have his own issues but you just need to be happy. Maybe it can work or not. Have a real two way conversation together give a bad point then a good move into what ye might want now or in the future . Best of luck