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Cold feet or normal worries?
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Excellent post above as well. Just my two cents from a diff perspective. I'm female and farm while working full time. The farm can suck all of your energy and focus if you let it. The work is literally never finished and you are a lot more consumed with it then with the job that actually pays the bills. This isn't healthy. I had to take a step back and say to myself that the farm will always need something to be done but no point in living if you have no life. I take every Sunday off as best as I can and if I find I'm working every Sunday I get help in to stop that. In regards to your post-i think you need to have a serious talk with him. If all of his energy is directed at the farm how can he be talking about having kids when he won't be the one around them or actively involved. One afternoon a week to go off and do something along with a night out every two or three weeks is hardly being unreasonable before kids come along!. The issue is he needs to see this and the push needs to come from him. If he doesn't see this then he will work himself into the ground and wonder where it all went wrong....also emotional support is crucial in a relationship as well as in farming and I would be worried as it doesn't seem like he's valuing that or giving that from any direction and that's not healthy either. Best of luck OP you have a lot to consider and I hope it works out the best for you!0
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It's not a part time job he has its a full on self employed job. He was gone at 5am this morning and probably won't be home until 7pm tonight and may have to do something on the farm before coming home so he is exhausted
Surely the self employed job is causing the majority of the tiredness?! Seems crazy hours...0 -
It's not a part time job he has its a full on self employed job. He was gone at 5am this morning and probably won't be home until 7pm tonight and may have to do something on the farm before coming home so he is exhausted
Surely the self employed job is causing the majority of the tiredness?! Seems crazy hours...0 -
So sitting here crying..... again :-/
We did have a talk but honestly not a whole lot has changed. The last two/ three weeks have been shocking difficult with the weather etc so I wouldn't expect him to be anything other than dedicate to the farm right now. But the weeks before hand nothing changed.
If we lived in my home town I thing I could cope with this but I don't think I can. He is never around. I asked each day last week could we go to the lake, one I've never been to "no it'll be too busy I cant be arsed" I asked would there be another smaller lake or even a drive we could go on? " Maybe another time"
I don't think I can do this. I want him, but he already seems to take me for granted. I know he works super hard, although one poster did say he works hard to support me, I support myself, I earn more than him.
I just want to explode I don't know what to do. I love him but I hate my life I don't know what to do. I don't want to find someone 'more compatible' but am I giving up on a happy life?0 -
op here...again wrote: »So sitting here crying..... again :-/
We did have a talk but honestly not a whole lot has changed. The last two/ three weeks have been shocking difficult with the weather etc so I wouldn't expect him to be anything other than dedicate to the farm right now. But the weeks before hand nothing changed.
If we lived in my home town I thing I could cope with this but I don't think I can. He is never around. I asked each day last week could we go to the lake, one I've never been to "no it'll be too busy I cant be arsed" I asked would there be another smaller lake or even a drive we could go on? " Maybe another time"
I don't think I can do this. I want him, but he already seems to take me for granted. I know he works super hard, although one poster did say he works hard to support me, I support myself, I earn more than him.
I just want to explode I don't know what to do. I love him but I hate my life I don't know what to do. I don't want to find someone 'more compatible' but am I giving up on a happy life?
This does not sound good. I know a full-time farmer/agricultural contractor. He works very hard but makes time to go away for weekends and holidays a few times a year.
If he's not willing to compromise for you now it would be 10 times worse if you got married. If you are going to stay with him I would advise you to postpone the wedding for a year to see how things go.
He's not taking you into account or considering what you want. You said earlier that he wants you to go off the pill immediately when you get married. All things considered this is controlling. You say you earn more than him. Would he want to take control of your money if you got married? Also if you have a child straight after your marry and he is never around you would effectively be a single mother. I suppose that would be good preparation for you if things did not work out.
You ask if you are giving up a happy life. I would say yes, definitely. If you marry this man it will be a long relentless grind which in the short, medium and long run will do nobody any good. I saw this kind of lifestyle first hand with my parents and it took its toll on their health. It put me off farming for life and made me very shy of marriage. Have a look at my earlier post in this thread for further clarification.
If your gut instinct is to walk away then walk away.0 -
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op here...again wrote: »I don't want to find someone 'more compatible' but am I giving up on a happy life?
Maybe you're giving up on a happy life by staying with him? You've now got plenty of experience of living with him full-time now that the honeymoon/college years are over. We can see how well that's going. How compatible are you really when he's unable or unwilling to compromise in any way?
I hate to say it but I think it's ultimatum time here. Talk of postponing the wedding might just give him the kick up the arse he badly needs here and get the ball rolling. As things stand, you'd be mad to go through with the wedding or start a family without resolving this.0 -
op here...again wrote: »
I asked each day last week could we go to the lake, one I've never been to "no it'll be too busy I cant be arsed" I asked would there be another smaller lake or even a drive we could go on? " Maybe another time"
So he's not even giving the excuse of being too busy with the farm or too tired. He just can't be arsed. How exactly is this situation going to improve when he has zero inclination to make any changes. What you are asking for is miniscule in the greater scheme of things.
Is the wedding still going ahead?op here...again wrote: »
I don't think I can do this. I want him, but he already seems to take me for granted. I know he works super hard, although one poster did say he works hard to support me, I support myself, I earn more than him.
I just want to explode I don't know what to do. I love him but I hate my life I don't know what to do. I don't want to find someone 'more compatible' but am I giving up on a happy life?
If he's taking you for granted now it's not going to get any better. I'm not sure how compatible you both are if you are not happy. Can you see yourself living this life for the next 30-40 years? Maybe with a few kids that you are largely raising by yourself?0 -
How does he see it working out if you have a honeymoon baby? Will he be around more often, or will you be expected to be a single parent? Will he be available for days out then? All well and good for him to be planning the picture perfect family, but not much good if he's not willing, or able to back it up in reality. Having an absent husband can quickly lead to resentment.
However, I moved to an area where I knew nobody, and I will admit that it was only when my children started in school/playschool that I met other mothers and actually made some really good, loyal friends. So that is something to bear in mind. But... School or playschool is a long way off for you at this stage. You need to talk to him.0 -
Maybe an ultimatum or even a brief separation to see if there’s any changes going forward. I don’t know anything about the work involved with farming life, it seems really consuming and probably like there’s not much give in the time you have to put toward it, but your needs are not being met here.
It all sounds very isolating, especially the thoughts of having a child shortly after being married, it just sounds like you’d be at home alone with the baby most of the time. Yous should have one date night a week even, where yous head out and do something nice together-where is the joy in your relationship and the time given to celebrating each other and celebrating life? Do you have moments of joy? Are they enough?
The wanting to have a baby so soon doesn’t sit right with me, it does seem like there might be an element of wanting to tie you down, or checking off boxes, unless that has been the want and plan all along-I could be way off mark. It just seems a bit old fashioned and maybe something to be aware of, is his family and him a bit old school? How are women perceived and treated in the family?
Holding off on the wedding might be an idea and see if there’s any changes down the road. I’d be concerned if I were in your shoes too. I read an article recently about one of the major factors in why long term couples split and divorce happens. It said that a big reasons was that needs or requests that have been clearly stated but are repeatedly ignored were the main one, it’s asked for the first while, then the person eventually stops asking, resentment grows, then it becomes a straw that broke the camel’s back scenario as time goes on.
After re-reading the posts there honestly taking a step back and appraising the situation it might be an idea to look at everything you offer him....and then look at everything he is offering you now.
You can love someone very deeply, have a very deep connection with them, but that may or may not necessarily mean they’ll be someone that brings you the greatest happiness, or that what they are offering you is enough.0 -
Thanks for the replies. I think I just had a very stressful day at work yesterday and he had been away with work the whole weekend. I had, had a very bad day on Monday and because he was away with work, and I'm alone in the office right now I felt very very alone and isolated. There is one girl I am friends with who I probably should have called to on Monday night.
He is under enormous pressure with the weather the farm is having serious issues, no water, already feeding silage because grass isn't growing. So I don't want to be adding too his worries now. He said the other night something along the lines of why does he keep getting dealt crap cards, one after the other.
With regards the baby, I think he has just been ready to have kids for about 10 years and is mad to be a dad. I told him I wanted to wait until at least next summer before we start trying and he has no issue with that. I'm stressed planning this wedding too, I think I've everything sorted but people keep sticking their noses in so that's probably not helping the situation.
His parents would be very traditional old school farmers, his dad worked, mam stayed at home. But his sisters are not like that, both work in big cities and are very independent.
He knows how unhappy I am, and I think he'd move somewhere else with me if it wasn't for the farm. I can't give him an ultimatum on that anyway because even though I know it would break his heart he would have to pick the farm. I think I will ask him to stop working for himself and get a 'normal' job again until he inherits the farm.
My aunt moved, away when she got married, she said it took her nearly 10 years to actually settle into the town but she loves it there now. I have been in college part time also the last few years which really got in the way of making a social life. But that just finished up so hopefully I should have more spare time now. Maybe I'll start a local book club!0 -
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But you're not asking him to give up the farm, you're asking him for a couple of hours of his time on a Sunday and he's not willing to spend time with you. Why isn't he willing?0
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Thanks for the replies. I think I just had a very stressful day at work yesterday and he had been away with work the whole weekend. I had, had a very bad day on Monday and because he was away with work, and I'm alone in the office right now I felt very very alone and isolated. There is one girl I am friends with who I probably should have called to on Monday night.
You have a right to express how you feel. You will have stressful days at work again. If your fiance cannot support you when you have hard days you need to think seriously about your future with him. Right now you are the one making all the compromises for him and getting nothing in return. You feel alone and isolated but you can't turn to him for help because you don't want to trouble him. That's not a relationship - that's living in fear.He is under enormous pressure with the weather the farm is having serious issues, no water, already feeding silage because grass isn't growing. So I don't want to be adding too his worries now. He said the other night something along the lines of why does he keep getting dealt crap cards, one after the other.
He is under pressure with the weather and you have stressful days at work. You say you don't want to be adding to his worries. Stop apologising for your existence! You are already tiptoeing around him walking on eggshells. What would it be like if you were married to him? There will always be enormous pressure with farming because that is the nature of the job. If it isn't lack of rain it's too much of it. If he can't cope with the pressures of farming he shouldn't be doing it. He won't realise that though and he will continue to farm no matter what because that is expected of him by his family.
The reality is that he will aways be "under enormous pressure" no matter what and this will be an excuse for him to ignore what you want and to make extra demands on you.With regards the baby, I think he has just been ready to have kids for about 10 years and is mad to be a dad. I told him I wanted to wait until at least next summer before we start trying and he has no issue with that. I'm stressed planning this wedding too, I think I've everything sorted but people keep sticking their noses in so that's probably not helping the situation.
You say he has agreed to put off having a child for a year. I think you should put off the wedding for a year. See if things change or improve. If they don't then I would advise you not to marry this man. I would not advise you to marry this man full stop. It is better to postpone the wedding for a year now than to divorce 6 months or a year after the wedding. I know of several marriages to farmers where the wife ran away screaming after less than 2 years and a divorce followed. These marriages were to farmers from very traditional backgrounds who did not take the needs or opinions of their wives into account. I am not being nosy but are there any broken engagements/long relationships in this man's history? He says he has been ready for children for 10 years but it sounds like his idea of fatherhood is for you to do all the work with the children and for him to take pride in his children (ideally sons).His parents would be very traditional old school farmers, his dad worked, mam stayed at home. But his sisters are not like that, both work in big cities and are very independent.
This is very telling. He is from a very traditional farming background which is obvious from his attitudes. It is also clear that his sisters got the hell out of Dodge so that they could live independent lives. They saw how women were treated on the farm first hand and they were having none of it. Could you talk to either of them about how you feel and how he never takes your needs and feelings into account?He knows how unhappy I am, and I think he'd move somewhere else with me if it wasn't for the farm. I can't give him an ultimatum on that anyway because even though I know it would break his heart he would have to pick the farm. I think I will ask him to stop working for himself and get a 'normal' job again until he inherits the farm.
He might know how unhappy you are but it doesn't seem to bother him much. On several occasions you have begged him to go away for a few hours together. At first the farm was the reason he couldn't go but the last time you asked he said that he "couldn't be arsed". These are not the words and actions of a man who cares about how you feel. He won't do anything you ask so if you ask him to stop working for himself and get a "normal" job you will be wasting your breath. He knows you won't give him an ultimatum of any kind and this is probably one reason he chose you. He also knows he can get away with treating you whatever way he likes.My aunt moved, away when she got married, she said it took her nearly 10 years to actually settle into the town but she loves it there now. I have been in college part time also the last few years which really got in the way of making a social life. But that just finished up so hopefully I should have more spare time now. Maybe I'll start a local book club!
You are not your aunt. There is no guarantee that in 10 years time you will love a town where the people won't play cards with you and call you a card shark because you won a few times. My mother moved from a neighbouring county to be with my father and never settled into the area because people don't accept outsiders. Every situation is different.
Any way I think that you won't have time for a book club or for any hobbies if you marry this man. Your life with be your job (bringing in money for him), the children and the farm. I guarantee that you will be landed with the lion's share of the household bills, buying clothes for the children etc. All his money will go into the farm and not one cent of it will go into the household.
You were probably caught up too much in your study before to see what is going on in the relationship. Now you are not studying you see what is happening.
I am not being dramatic but perhaps you should look up emotional abuse on the Women's Aid website. Some emotional abusers think it is normal because that is what they grew up with and they see one partner lying down and letting the other walk over them. I know I am repeating myself but no matter what this man says he has absolutely no consideration for your feelings or for what you want. Marrying you would be a means to an end for him - having somebody to bring in an extra income, to manage the household and to have children (preferably sons) to carry on the farm.
Think very carefully before you marry him and remember, putting off the wedding for a year to see if he improves is better than a divorce later on. You had doubts about this marriage 2 months ago and you still have doubts. Go with your gut and don't do what you feel you should do because you don't want to inconvenience people.0 -
He knows how unhappy I am, and I think he'd move somewhere else with me if it wasn't for the farm.
I'd agree with everything Emme said above, but also, it would be very easy for him to promise you everything you want in theory 'but for the farm'.
Of course I'd go backpacking...but for the farm.
Of course we'll take a holiday... but for the farm
Of course we'd move closer to your family and friends... but for the farm.
Easy to say all of those things when he knows he will never have to follow through on them.
But the things he can provide you with - a bit of company in the evening, or a day out on a Sunday, he doesn't give you. Actions speak louder than words.
Pointless thinking about what he might agree to if it wasn't for the farm. Those things will never happen. Look at what you're asking for and what he can do, and what he is refusing to do.0 -
If you marry him you won't have time for a book club or for any hobbies. Your life with be your job (bringing in money for him), the children and the farm. I guarantee that you will be landed with the lion's share of the household bills, buying clothes for the children etc. All his money will go into the farm and not one cent of it will go into the household.
THIS POST TIMES A THOUSAND. You will be the laying hen for this man - bringing in the money and doing everything as well. There will always be an excuse. I come from a farming background. My father and mother helped and supported each other and he had an active role in my upbringing BUT I realise now he is definitely the exception.
If he is in his late thirties and has still not been given the farm, then that is another red flag. How long does he have to wait - many wait until their fifties.
You are not getting any support at the moment - it is a one-way street only. Things will only get worse once you both are married. He is working himself into the ground but this won't change as he prefers work( I don't think he even realises it though) to spending quality time with you. Work is his get out clause and the joke of it is that despite two jobs, he is still not very well paid. So you will be with a person who cannot financially or emotionally support you, but you are expected to do both for him and look after the house and parent(alone) and subsidise the farm on top of that ( which in time you will - make no doubt about that). From what I observe there are a few exceptions to this (friends, family etc.), but only the farming couples who made time for each other from the beginning.0 -
OP you don't sound happy at all. And there is no indication that anything is going to change, despite having voiced your concerns.
I think you'd be mad to go through with the wedding...0 -
Op I have to agree that you should think long and hard about this. He 'couldn't be arsed' to take you out for a couple of hours????? Ah here now - there will always be the farm as an excuse for everything - and it is hard work - but there has to be time out. What happens when you have kids and want to go on holidays or days out with them - are you going to do it all on your own?0
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OP I forgot to say that looking after the elderly parents when the times comes will be your job. He will be too busy with the farm to do it and the sisters might throw in suggestions but they will be too busy with their lives to get stuck in with the heavy lifting. So children, job, farm and caring for elderly parents. How does that strike you?
I'm not being horrible but I'm simply pointing out the stark reality of being a woman who has married in to a traditional Irish farm. I've seen how these women have been treated all my life. The odd one gets lucky and has a husband who is considerate and willing to take her needs into account. Others marry men like your fiance and end up worn out, bitter and old before their time from doing everything. If you get sick you'll just have to drag yourself along and manage the best you can because nobody will give you any sympathy.0 -
OP, I feel so sorry for you. What a horrible relationship you're in. I have to say the way you try to minimise and explain away and apologise for your feelings and also his behaviour is a bad sign. You sound like a woman whose relationship has completely beaten her down.
My advice to you would be as follows:
Get a pen and paper and on one side write out what your life will be like with him - be brutually honest with yourself. On the other side put down what life would be like without him, again be brutually honest. Sometimes looking at something in black and white can help clarify thoughts.
I'm wondering why he wants kids so badly, he won't be present to raise them?? He'll be consumed with working the farm.
're doing things on weekends etc, you won't have time anyway as you'll be working full time, raising kids, looking after the house, and helping him on the farm. That's going to be your life. He's pretty much told you that it will be that way as he refuses to do things with you/spend time together/basically be a normal couple.
Happy relationships usually have both parties putting roughly equal effort into it. He doesnt sound like he's putting even 5% effort into it! One person cannot carry a relationship and do all the compromising, not if they want to be happy.0 -
I think I'll print off this post and let him read it tonight!
He is going to need a 2nd job for the foreseeable future, because there is no way his parents would hand down the farm, to be fair his dad still does a lot of the work on the farm and it's their source of income even though they are both officially retired. I don't think he sees me as a good source of income. When he does inherit the farm should be able to support a family. I'd be the sort of person who likes to work and will most likely keep on something part time, but I don't think he'd be forcing me to work in order to support the farm.
I think if he switched back to a normal job things would get better. I'm so bored and lonely I ended up having a few drinks most night, which is not good I know. We don't really fight about it but I know he def doesn't like it, and he is right there is no need to be drinking every night. I've signed up for some classes for next week so hopefully that helps.
He really is a very sweet guy and I hope that does come across too. He is just a bit of a work-a-holic. As some one said I don't even think he realises he prioritises work over me, it's just what he's like. He would be quite sensitive too, I can see that my unhappiness is having an effect on him. He's love to 'fix it'.
Someone asked does he have a string of broken relationship, no I'm his 1st girlfriend. He has some short romances when he was younger but never anything serious. I know this sound awful but until his mid 20s he wouldn't have really been considered very good looking.
I think I'll talk to him tonight and try to figure out, is he actually serious about getting a normal job again and stopping the crazy hours. I know he will have some mad weeks on the farm and I can live with that, but I don't think I can live with his crazy schedule at the moment.
If we can't seem to come to an agreement ourselves, I know when we done our marriage course they said accord offer relationship counselling, it might be worth a shot? If none of that works, maybe ye are right and I should postpone the wedding.0 -
Hold off on marriage and baby or rethink it altogether op
There's no point locking yourself into a situation you're currently unhappy with
I can see what he's hoping to get from the marriage but not from your perspective0 -
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He really is a very sweet guy and I hope that does come across too. He is just a bit of a work-a-holic. As some one said I don't even think he realises he prioritises work over me, it's just what he's like. He would be quite sensitive too, I can see that my unhappiness is having an effect on him. He's love to 'fix it'.
Fix it? You've given him some very easy suggestions that would allieviate your boredom and isolation and contribution to your happiness only he 'can't be arsed' to go anywhere with you. Those are not the actions of a man who is sensitive to your needs and wants to fix the problem.0 -
It sounds like you've talked about it, and he knows how you feel, but he won't (or simply can't) make any changes to give you more time and freedom together.
He seems to be working towards a point where everything is resolved and you have time to spend together...but what does that resolution involve, exactly?
Is it the point where he inherits the farm?
Is it the point that he gets a job that pays well enough that he doesn't have to work crazy hours (before doing extra work on the farm)?
Is it the point that you just stop complaining about things?
Whatever the resolution is, do you have any sense that it is getting closer, or does it seem as far away as ever? And are you willing to put up with things as they are now, until they get better?
EDIT: As an aside, you say in the OP that you've been together 6 years, and lived together most of that time. Where was this, and what was he doing then? Was it on the farm, same as now, or somewhere else?
If it was somewhere else, did he always know (and did you always know) that he was going to end up back on the family farm?
sorry for all the questions.0 -
It sounds like you've talked about it, and he knows how you feel, but he won't (or simply can't) make any changes to give you more time and freedom together.
He seems to be working towards a point where everything is resolved and you have time to spend together...but what does that resolution involve, exactly?
Is it the point where he inherits the farm?
Is it the point that he gets a job that pays well enough that he doesn't have to work crazy hours (before doing extra work on the farm)?
Is it the point that you just stop complaining about things?
Whatever the resolution is, do you have any sense that it is getting closer, or does it seem as far away as ever? And are you willing to put up with things as they are now, until they get better?
EDIT: As an aside, you say in the OP that you've been together 6 years, and lived together most of that time. Where was this, and what was he doing then? Was it on the farm, same as now, or somewhere else?
If it was somewhere else, did he always know (and did you always know) that he was going to end up back on the family farm?
sorry for all the questions.
I will ask him that, when will be the point when he does have time. He is super stressed at the moment, as I said with the farm and the weather, he is flat out busy working doing stupid hours contracting, I really don't want to be stressing him out more because he's got a lot on, he wouldn't be one to complain but he is under serious pressue. But equally I cannot wait as the wedding is rapidly approaching.
We meet abroad, lived there approx a year, then I lived in a near large city when we moved home, he'd stay 3 nights a week and then spend either weekends at his parents or mine. That was for about a year and a half. Then I lost my job and I moved to the countryside. I suppose at the beginning I didn't know, then when we did come back to Ireland I would have known I did know moving here that, that was his intention. We never really discussed it but I would have known.
I really think it would be easier if I could make friends and have my own life. I have been making efforts and I am hoping that with studying done and dusted now I can focus more on hobbies and clubs that I am interested in and rely on his less.0 -
OP the best thing you can do is postpone the wedding and attend a course of Accord counselling with your fiance. I think this would really help both of you particularly if this is his first serious relationship. If you go ahead and get married as things are nothing will change, in fact they will get worse. You MUST do this together and if he can't or won't find the time to do this you're flogging a dead horse.
About the drinking - you are responsible for your own health so stop unhealthy drinking for your own sake.0 -
Emme has said it a lot better than I ever will. Please listen to the advice given OP. Otherwise, if you do get married without firmly confronting the issues mentioned, you cannot say you had not been warned.0
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How do you think he will react to you saying you are considering postponing the wedding?0
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