Cold feet or normal worries?

LegacyUser

Hi All,

I'll try and get to the point quickly! So I'm getting married in a few months and I am over the moon about it. My fiancé is a wonderful guy; he's kind, caring, and just in general a really good guy. My family all think he's great and I've made a really good decision. We’re together 6 years and have lived together for most of that.

I don't know if I am genuinely getting cold feet or if these feeling are normal as the wedding approaches. I had to move 3 hours away from my home town for him, as he is a farmer. It’s a very small place and I haven’t made any friends a few acquaintances. So I am worried I will feel isolated in this tiny farming community for the rest of my life.

I am also worried that my fiancé has invested so much time and he is mad to have a baby that he is willing to just go ahead with the wedding. He wants me to time it so that I am off the pill for the honeymoon; he said he doesn’t want to be in his 40s starting out family. I have actually asked him this and he said no he’s marrying me because he loves me.

Last year I made up a list of things to do on Sundays that I would like to do. We haven’t done a single one. When we meet I was huge into backpacking I love to travel it’s my biggest passion in life. I nearly think I’ve travelled too much and that’s why I can’t settle into domestic life? I love to go and do things and see things but he never wants to go with me. I know I can go alone but I don’t want to spend all my life doing everything alone!

I just feel that he doesn’t really want to put in an extra effort sometimes. A few weeks ago I had to go home for a family emergency during the week I asked him to come down the Saturday evening for the night as I needed his support. He said he was too tired. I know he works really hard but I feel I will always come 2nd. He hardly ever comes to my family occasions at one point last year a family member joked had we broken up.

I don’t really know what to do. I love him to pieces and I know he loves me. I know he’s a farmer so I cannot honestly expect him to move even though I would love to go off to Canada or UAE for a year or two. Are these just normal feelings for when you come into your 30s and life starts to change?

Thanks for reading.

daithi7

Sounds more than just cold feet to me OP. But then reading your post, I think in you know this too....

I'll leave the women advise you here, but not engaging in your passions (back packing, travel), not doing any of the things you listed last year, not attending family events/emergencies when asked , etc are all red lines imho.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

ginandtonicsky

I'm afraid you're going to have to have an honest full-disclosure conversation with your fiancé and work through these concerns together as a couple.

I don't think they're necessarily tied into any real lack of desire you have to marry him or any lack of love on your part; planning a wedding and the rest of your life just forces you to think about these things naturally enough.

ShaShaBear

I don't doubt for a second that he loves you, but it does sound like he is getting everything he wants and you're giving up everything to make the marriage work. Especially the rushing of a pregnancy. I know a few girls in long-term relationships with farmers and most of them have had to fully accept that they're "widows" for the better part of the year. However, in saying that, all of them have a very good support network of friends and family a stone's throw away to keep them sane, help with kids and keep the social life alive. Moving so far away with no friends made and potentially already pregnant could leave you very isolated and miserable, since you might likely not see your husband dawn till dusk on a busy day
You both need to sit down and have a very serious discussion about this. Make sure you are heard and your concerns alleviated to your complete satisfaction before you go through with this wedding. If you have to cancel, so be it. If you both need more time to find a balance, it's okay to postpone it.

Addle

Are you from a farming background yourself OP?
Cos you'll never 'get it' if you aren't.
It's a whole different way of life, with more commitments than any self employment.
Life will revolve around the farm.
Are you willing to put up with that?

banoffe2

I admire your awareness and honesty OP, you have plenty experience of living with this man. People don't change unless they want to, and we shouldn't feel the need to want to change anyone, however your expectations are reasonable, if he is making no effort during the courtship I'd hate to imagine how things will be down the road, when you are home alone with a small baby, it could be a very lonely existence.
Personally I wouldn't waste time sitting down and having the chat about the expectations, you have done this before and you know the results.

Remember you have choices, look after yourself, it takes courage to be true to yourself. Best of luck

Rekop dog

There's a strong juxtaposition between your opening paragraph and the actual realisites of the relationship in the rest of post. He's doesn't sound caring whatsoever, selfish and controlling from what I can see.

To blatantly ignore the list you went to the effort of making of things you'd like to do on a Sunday would suggest he doesn't respect you very much. Most healthy relationships involve people being attentive of their partners wants and needs and trying to keep them happy. He's doesn't even begin to bother on this front from what you say. And I wouldn't be all that sure your family are overly fond of him either, if they're making jokes to you about him never being around you can be sure they're saying worse behind your back.

You can continue to bury your head in the sand that this will work and excuse all his actions because thats the way farming life is, but sounds like you're committing to a miserable life where you can't possibly be happy and you'll have to park the more adventurous side of your personality for good. You sound a bit trapped and suffocated to me, and that's only going to get much worse once the wedding high subsides and the real realities of having this extremely plain life forever set in.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the responses.

No I am not from a farming background, I'm for a mid sized town. I do get that farming is life. But it's dry stock so whilst calving and silage are very busy it's not as full on as milking lets say. We could easily go do something for the day. The problem is that he doesn't earn a wage from the farm so he works full time too. It was grand until he went out on his own, so now between the farm and his business I hardly ever see him. Which kinda sucks because I work for the most part in an office by myself and come home then to an empty house.

It makes me sound selfish. Giving out that he works too hard!

I love when we do go somewhere for the weekend though or on holidays we always have such a laugh together.

I think this would be a whole lot easier if it was closer to home. I am from a very big extended family and we are all very close. I hate missing out on what feels like everything (bit dramatic!) I go down for the bigger things, but my nephews 5th birthday on a Sunday for a few hours no, I'm not going to do a 6 hour round trip.

I guess my choices are leave, and be miserable because I miss him and know that he is the right man for me. Or stay and get used to being lonely but get to be really happy some of the time.

zapper55

Actually you've two more. Have an honest chat and see if things do actually change or leave and maybe meet someone you are more compatible with. I don't say this lightly. But it sounds like you'd have to.do a huge amount of compromise if you stay with this man and things stay as is.

Mokuba

Rekop dog wrote: »

There's a strong juxtaposition between your opening paragraph and the actual realisites of the relationship in the rest of post. He's doesn't sound caring whatsoever, selfish and controlling from what I can see.

To blatantly ignore the list you went to the effort of making of things you'd like to do on a Sunday would suggest he doesn't respect you very much. Most healthy relationships involve people being attentive of their partners wants and needs and trying to keep them happy. He's doesn't even begin to bother on this front from what you say. And I wouldn't be all that sure your family are overly fond of him either, if they're making jokes to you about him never being around you can be sure they're saying worse behind your back.

You can continue to bury your head in the sand that this will work and excuse all his actions because thats the way farming life is, but sounds like you're committing to a miserable life where you can't possibly be happy and you'll have to park the more adventurous side of your personality for good. You sound a bit trapped and suffocated to me, and that's only going to get much worse once the wedding high subsides and the real realities of having this extremely plain life forever set in.

This is such rubbish. Selfish and Controlling? What utter, utter nonsense.

Have you any idea about the insane hours and work involved in running a farm and holding a full time job also?

This guy is running himself into the ground trying to support this woman and a potential future family.

People often make lists and not follow through on them. That's life. Things get in the way. Go and look at New Years resolution threads and see how many people have followed through on them.

OP - Why are you surprised that a farmer can't travel the world with you. The farm won't run itself. It's not like another job where you can just expect the work to be covered in your absence - if the work isn't done by him it won't be done. You have said you have went on holidays - so plan it out far enough in advance, with reasonable time frames and I bet there won't be an issue.

If you want to travel then travel. But don't act like he is holding you back. You surely knew what you were signing up for. It is a very specific way of life.

You seem to not have too many hobbies of your own. You seem overly reliant on him to do things with.

I've seen this before and I know where this is going. It's only going to get worse for you and he doesn't deserve your resentment.

Rekop dog

Mokuba wrote: »

This is such rubbish. Selfish and Controlling? What utter, utter nonsense.

Have you any idea about the insane hours and work involved in running a farm and holding a full time job also?

This guy is running himself into the ground trying to support this woman and a potential future family.

People often make lists and not follow through on them. That's life. Things get in the way. Go and look at New Years resolution threads and see how many people have followed through on them.

.

The part about him wanting her off the pill by the honeymoon sounds controlling, it's seems like a one way decision from how she's worded it.

And the second job was only mentioned after my post but I can't see the point in having the farm at all if it's not financially viable to be honest. His time would be far better spent getting an education and a better job to sustain his potential family and he'd also have more time for them then. It seems a miserable existence working all the hours under the sun to scrape by and not having the energy/enthusiasm to do anything else.

messy tessy

Rekop dog wrote: »

I can't see the point in having the farm at all if it's not financially viable to be honest. His time would be far better spent getting an education and a better job to sustain his potential family and he'd also have more time for them then. It seems a miserable existence working all the hours under the sun to scrape by and not having the energy/enthusiasm to do anything else.

I think unless you are brought up on a farm or have a genuine interest in it, it is very difficult to understand the attachment to the land. You don't know that the OP's partner has a miserable existence, he might genuinely adore farming.

I agree you need to have a chat with him about what you are feeling. I don't get the feeling he is controlling but you do sound lonely. Did I read your post right - you have lived in that area for 6 years without making any friends?

LegacyUser

I 100% know that he can not just pack up and leave and I wouldn't expect him too I was just saying that's what I'd be at if there were no restraints. He didn't live/ work on the farm the 1st year and a half we meet travelling. I'm not looking to move to Aruba and run a cafe. I want to go do something no more than an hour away on a Sunday or the cinema on a Saturday.

He is not controlling at all I think he's just mad to be a dad and I think he'll be amazing at it.

Yes I do rely on him a lot, I've tried making friends up here when. It's hard though it's a small place and I've joined one or two classes I've been trying to look up local hobby groups but unless you can play gaelic football there really doesn't seem to be much. Just the boss at work. I'm an outgoing, friendly person so I'll keep trying. I guess that's why I was asking is it a '30s thing' making new friends is harder.

We had a big conversation tonight. He said he's feeling very stretched and that something would have to give. It definitely wouldn't be me, it couldn't be the farm so it will have to be the business. He's running himself into the ground he's doing mad hours the main lad he does work for expects him to be available at the drop of a hat.

I know his dream would be to be a full time farmer and I fully back that. It's a fairly sizable herd at the moment it wouldn't need to go much bigger for there to be a livable wage once he does inherit it.

Thanks everyone for the advice I think we have gotten to the core of what is going on here and hopefully he can find a more regular job because even though he doesn't get a wage off the farm he does a decent amount of work and he cannot keep going at the rate he's going.

dixiefly

I don't think that any individual issue in itself is a red flag. However its the combination of all of the issues that you highlight that would be a real concern.

Myself and my wife are over 25 years married and we are different people with different interests in many ways. However, and I have thought of this several times, the key in our marriage has been an ability of both of us to compromise with a sense of the others needs being kept in our minds.

I am not from a farming background but the family had a business until recent years and I understand the ongoing committment to it with no financial reward. That ingrained bond to the farm is there in all farmers and is laudable and must be accepted by anyone marrying in. However, there needs to be some facility investigated to arrange relief so that he can go with you to places and family events. He needs to compromise and arrange (and pay for) this.

From your own point of view, you need to think through whether you will be able to build up a support network in the area around where you are living. Are other farmer's partners friendly and open? What about your fiance's friends and their partners? When the children come along and gong to school then the opportunity to make new friends will follow but that doesnt always happen.

In our own case we have lived relatively close to family and this is a big big thing for people that are close to family. In many cases, even if a couple marry and live initially away from the family and friends of either partner there is always the possibility of moving closer to either or both home area. However in cases of farms or a fixed business this cannot happen.

I think you will need to be of a certain personality to get through the next few years. You need to be more independent in doing your own thing. You need to be able to make friends easily. You need to be able to accept that you will miss family events but at the same time be able to get your husband to go to these events when its important to you.

I know people who have moved many miles from original homes and families accept this. i also know cases where some cant get to most events. It really depends on how ok you are with that.

In the end you need to think through how important these things are for you. The only thing I would say is that you should think through what supports you have before starting your family. We had family around and it is a huge positive. I can understand your fiance wanting to start quickly as he wants to be young for his kids. But you need to talk to people that are experienced in bringing up a baby on a farm and identify supports. For instance will your fiance be open to your own mum / friends / sisters to come and stay for several days at a time?

Does your finance accept that you are now a 50% player in the enterprise? I have seen before where the farm and farmhouse etc is seen as part of the original family and the girl the farmer marries is a blow in until she really establishes herself.

It is possible to work through all of this in my opinion and many have but you both need to be totally committed to this with good relationships and also good relationships and acceptance of you and your needs by him and his family. He needs to probably identify cover even for a few hours on a sunday to allow some couple time for you guys.

rainbowtrout

So if you've lived together for most of the relationship, I assume it's fair to presume that's 4-5 years?

It would concern me that if I lived in such a small place for that long that I would have no friends, how do you envisage that panning out after the marriage? Also how well integrated have you become into his circle of friends, given that he is living in his home area. I'm guessing you don't know any of his friends well enough to call them your friends.

While you have your partner, a social network is important, particularly if he is working full time and farming in the evenings/weekends. You could be very isolated if you go ahead with the marriage and are at home (even just on maternity leave) with a baby. How has it been living with him for the last number of years in this regard?

Your fiance wants you to go off the pill straight away, from the way you have written it, it sounds like this is one sided. Do you want to have a baby straight away? Do you want a baby at all? Do you have any say in this?

Farming is busy but there is no reason that he can't take a Sunday afternoon off now and again to do something with you. Assuming again there is a varied list of activities that you created, surely some of them require little time, effort or money. Relationships are a two way street. There should be some give on his side.

I think you will have to forget about backpacking holidays with him realistically unless you want to go with a friend or on your own. I've never met anyone who has had a farmer boyfriend/husband who does the whole backpacking thing. It's just not part of the farming lifestyle. I honestly think you'll be lucky to get a week in a holiday cottage in a seaside town in Ireland as a family in the next twenty years, looking at my friends who have married farmers.

I would be concerned at him not supporting you for your family emergency. If you ignore all the issues with not going backpacking and not doing anything on Sundays, you need to be able to rely on your partner for situations such as this one and he didn't come through for you. He was tired. Not even 'who's going to feed the cattle'. That would be a red flag for me.

You are not only marrying into his family, but he is also marrying into yours. They may live 3 hours away, but they are not 'out of sight, out of mind'.

Your observation is probably right, you will always come second, the farm will always come first. But are you always coming second to other stuff too?

Canada/UAE is not going to happen with him, if you are going, you are going on your own. Your lifestyles are not compatible for that change of location.

With regard to the wage thing, is it because his farm is only breaking even/making a financial loss or is it his parents farm that he works on but doesn't own?

People don't change. If he's not willing to do these things now before you are married he is not going to do them after you are married. So are you content to marry this man, and live in this place far from your family network and attend family events on your own and not do anything on sundays, and have children straight away, because as another poster pointed out, there is another choice, you can look for someone more compatible with your lifestyle.

You do need a frank conversation with him about where this relationship stands, because farm aside it does sound like there are some compatibility issues.

Fighting Tao

If the farm is not profit making and he has to work full time elsewhere, then it’s a hobby. Farmers will say it’s more than that but the reality of being an adult is that you work full time to provide for your family and so he has a full time job. Don’t be conned by people saying you don’t understand because you are not from a farming background. He needs to grow up and decide if he wants to play being farmer or have a life with you.

LegacyUser

I would love if he had a group of friends I could have fallen into But he actually has no friends. Even for the up coming wedding I'm inviting 30 friends he is only inviting family. He's happy to do his own thing. It's me that needs a social circle.

The Sunday things I mentioned I think the most expensive thing on the list was kilmanham jail majority were free.

I do want kids with him but not until I'm happy with where our relationship is and where we are. Kids are not a plaster to me anyway. I don't want to bring them in trying to fix my unhappiness.

It's just frustrating I love this man, he for me is perfect. Why do i have to need a social circle!! There isn't even bridge or bingo close by. I'm not allowed play poker in the local anymore, they called me a shark. Not my fault they underestimated my sweet innocent smile

LegacyUser

I would love if he had a group of friends I could have fallen into But he actually has no friends. Even for the up coming wedding I'm inviting 30 friends he is only inviting family. He's happy to do his own thing. It's me that needs a social circle.

The Sunday things I mentioned I think the most expensive thing on the list was kilmanham jail majority were free.

I do want kids with him but not until I'm happy with where our relationship is and where we are. Kids are not a plaster to me anyway. I don't want to bring them in trying to fix my unhappiness.

It's just frustrating I love this man, he for me is perfect. Why do i have to need a social circle!! There isn't even bridge or bingo close by. I'm not allowed play poker in the local anymore, they called me a shark. Not my fault they underestimated my sweet innocent smile

milli milli

OP you seem to be giving up an awful lot for this man. I agree with the poster who said he wasn’t there for you when you had your family crisis. Yes working two jobs is exhausting but what happens when you have children and there’s something similar?

I have no doubt you love him but you are giving up your whole life and passions for him. I would think long and hard about that. And as others have said, unless he gives up the farm your foreign travels WON’T be with him.

Have you heard about people on their deathbeds wishing they hadn’t worked so hard? I’m self-employed and know the hours you need to put in but I took a step back and realized I needed to create more of a balance. Last year I took my first foreign holiday in 7 years (and I love traveling). Apart from the money thing, I’m not going to let that happen again.

I’m glad he’s giving something up because there’s no point in working yourself into the ground if you can’t enjoy it and spend time with your loved ones.
He needs to prioritize you.

rainbowtrout

Cold Feet wrote: »

I would love if he had a group of friends I could have fallen into But he actually has no friends. Even for the up coming wedding I'm inviting 30 friends he is only inviting family. He's happy to do his own thing. It's me that needs a social circle.

The Sunday things I mentioned I think the most expensive thing on the list was kilmanham jail majority were free.

I do want kids with him but not until I'm happy with where our relationship is and where we are. Kids are not a plaster to me anyway. I don't want to bring them in trying to fix my unhappiness.

It's just frustrating I love this man, he for me is perfect. Why do i have to need a social circle!! There isn't even bridge or bingo close by. I'm not allowed play poker in the local anymore, they called me a shark. Not my fault they underestimated my sweet innocent smile

Why doesn't he have friends? It's not to say there's something wrong with it, but for someone who has lived all his life (presumably) in one small community and grown up there, is it not unusual to not have any friends in the locality?

Why are you questioning why you need a social circle, like you are trying to justify accepting a life of isolation? It's normal to want friends and to spend time with other people.

I'd forget about the kids for now and whether they'd be a sticking plaster or not, I'd be considering whether I want to get married in this situation, and whether the wedding/marriage is a sticking plaster for the current state of the relationship.

Addle

Maybe his friends moved away.
None of my friends live near where we grew up.
It's not his responsibility to find friends for her.
I don't have good friends where I live.
I don't feel like I need to socialise every evening. When we do catch up, we have a great time. But the most I'd see most of them is once a month.

Are you too dependent on him OP?

dixiefly

Addle wrote: »

Maybe his friends moved away.
None of my friends live near where we grew up.
It's not his responsibility to find friends for her.
I don't have good friends where I live.
I don't feel like I need to socialise every evening. When we do catch up, we have a great time. But the most I'd see most of them is once a month.

Are you too dependent on him OP?

She said he didnt have friends fullstop, not that he didnt have friends in the locality. If he had friends he would be inviting them or some of them to the wedding irrespective as to whether they lived in the same locality or not.

Regarding the comment about the OP being dependent on him. It is wholly natural that a person that moves into a new area that is the home place and family of their new partner would depend on that person to blend in or settle down. You seem to to using it as a negative against the OP. I don't think it is and I think the OP (based on her story) has given up a lot in the relationship.

I do think that the OP should look at other ways to get to know new people be it local sports clubs, drama, charity work. If there are other options work wise it may be a good thing as she said she has no contact with others in the current job.

Addle

Ya, but OP can visit Kilmainham with someone other than her OH.

banoffe2

Hi OP there are far too many red flags here for me, the no friends only family on his side to the wedding would be a deal breaker for me, not to mention all the other sacrifices you have made, at least you know in advance what you heading into, a lonely existence, you will be on your own, you deserve better. Sometimes we confuse love with dependency. I think time out and space would be well worth considering, when we remove ourselves from situations we can think and see more clearly, as I said in previous post, I admire your awareness, honesty and courage. x

rainbowtrout

Addle wrote: »

Ya, but OP can visit Kilmainham with someone other than her OH.

But the OP made a whole list of things that could be done in one day, many of them free and they as a couple haven't done any of them. It's not unreasonable to expect to spend some free time on a sunday doing something nice/fun with your partner. She did say some of the things she listed are no more than an hour away from where they live, or go to the cinema. The cinema is hardly an outlandish request.

jlm29

OP, if you do have kids, will you have any support with them? Does he have family close by?
My OH is a farmer, and we have three kids, and it’s HARD. I have support from my side, (and lots of it- and my family and friends are less than half an hour away). As they get bigger they can head off with their dad on the tractor, but when they’re small, I parent them pretty solo.
These summer evenings are a killer. We all come home from work/childminder, and I can’t even get out for a walk, because he’s working. If I put the small ones in the buggy, they’ll sleep the whole way, coz they’re tired, and then they’re up all night.

LolaJJ

Hey OP,

I don't think anyone is in a perfect relationship. Both people always have to make some kind of compromise. I think the "right person" is someone who helps you to achieve all the things you want to do with your life and the "wrong person" stands in the way of that.

Reading your posts, it sounds like you are the right person for him, but he may not be the best person for you...

Emme

OP farming life is hard. It helps if the neighbours are friendly but some parts of the country are more accepting to newcomers than others. My mother came from a farm in a very friendly area and married into my father's farm which is in a very unfriendly area. She never got used to that. Like your fiance, my father was an extremely hard worker and his life was the farm. I think my mother would have liked to get away more but in those days you made your bed and lay in it and accepted your lot. The life my mother endured put me off marrying a farmer for life.

I can understand your boyfriend not having time for going out but not wanting to meet your family is not a good sign. Not supporting you in a family crisis is a big red flag. If something happened in his family would he expect you to help out? Do you live near his parents?

Also demanding that you go off the pill for the honeymoon is a red flag if you are not in agreement. It's as if he wants to tie you down straight away with a baby the way you can't go off travelling or have freedom. Now you may want a baby straight away which is fair enough. But was it him who suggested you going off the pill for the honeymoon?

You seem to be making most of the compromises and if you feel that you come second in everything now it will be worse after you get married.

Some farming families can be very patriarchal and controlling. Despite it being 2018, in those families women have a certain role and they have to stick to it. Like having a full-time job to bring in money, having children straight away (preferably boys), not expecting anything in the way of treats, days out, holidays or luxuries and always be ready and willing to help out on the farm when not at work. Do his family accept you and could you count on their support if you had children? Would you be able to get one of them to mind the child if you had to go away somewhere? If you don't get support in an isolated rural area life will be impossible and dare I say it, hell.

I would be concerned that he has no friends but maybe most of his class from school has emigrated or are working away. However many farmers join a GAA club and make friends that way. I come from a farming background, live in a relatively unfriendly rural area but most farmers around have friends and the ones that don't are frankly weird.

I am concerned that you have been living with him and haven't made many friends in the area or really integrated much. Are they old fashioned down there and don't approve of people living together before marriage? I also don't like that people in the pub are calling you a card shark and won't play cards with you. I get the feeling that the area is unfriendly and it's hard to get to know people - could you handle that for yourself and your children?

If your fiance had been supportive in your recent family crisis I would be saying go ahead, life isn't perfect and you don't always get what you want. But if he isn't supportive and hasn't a history of being supportive you need to think long and hard about what you are getting into. I know of several farmers in my area who got married and the marriage broke down after 6 months. The women concerned were not viewed kindly but from my point of view there would have been mitigating factors from the husband's side. One man came from a very inward looking family where they worked very hard and didn't mix much outside family. Another man is reputed to have got very controlling after the marriage and she walked.

Also is his farm viable? I can understand loyalty to the land but if he has to work that hard to break even would he not be better off leasing the land and using his time to work in a job that pays? He needs to be open to change because farming is changing very fast and will change even faster in the future. If the land is not in his name he will not be able to do anything except continue working for very little. I don't know how you get on with his family but if the land is not in his name it is unlikely he will inherit for some years so if he gives up his part-time job your wage will be supporting you both and whatever children you have. Farmers were always reluctant to pass land on to the next generation and some incentives were made in the 80s which made it attractive to pass land to a child under 35. However divorce changed that and farmers now are very unwilling to pass land to the new generation for fear the spouse will divorce and walk away with half the farm. Farmers can be especially suspicious of somebody not from a farming background marrying into the family.

Have you both gone to pre-marriage counselling?

If you are having serious doubts you would be better off to postpone the wedding rather than to get married in 3 months and separate 6 months after due to incompatibilities. You need to write down all your concerns, sit down with him and seriously discuss everything. He needs to take your concerns seriously. If he doesn't then you have a problem.

LegacyUser

A lot to catch up on there!! I was very annoyed that he didn't come down home with me when I needed him too but he has come of other things in the past.

I love his parents, they are both really lovely and very accepting of me. His siblings live away from home but are very nice too. The friends thing, I don't get it but that's just me I need a big circle of friends. He did have friends in school/ early 20s then left for 5 years and never really picked back up with people. He is happy to chat away to people when we are out but he wouldn't be texting anyone or that. I don't think it's particularly weird, he's just a quiet person that's happy in his own company.

It's not that it is an unfriendly area it's just that I think people already have their own friends/ families social circles already and don't really need a new friend. With regards to clubs etc it really is a very small area with limited options. There is an Irish Country women's Association in the village, I might join that.... There is another woman that does a few days here and there in the office, she's not local either (only about 30mins away) she said after having kids she did really get to know the people in the local area.

It's not a part time job he has its a full on self employed job. He was gone at 5am this morning and probably won't be home until 7pm tonight and may have to do something on the farm before coming home so he is exhausted. He's on about looking for a more normal job he used to work 8am - 4pm which was perfect. The farm is profitable, he's just not getting the profit and I really do not see the farm being handed to him 'before time'.

I would never expect him to give up the farm for me. That would 100% not work out!! He loves me and he loves the farm I could never ask him to choose because if he chose me he'd resent me. I only off handed said if it wasn't for the land I would most likely not live in Ireland but the land is there. I am not asking to go backpacking for 6 months in south America. I am asking to go away on a Sunday for a few hours. Yes I can go to Kilmanham Jail by myself and I do plenty of things alone but I would also like to do things with him.

I suppose it's with the upcoming wedding that these things have come closer to the surface in my mind, the reality of it all. The reason I have been happy coasting along the last 3 years is because nearly every 2nd weekend I had college and was very focused on studying so I didn't really have time to be worried about making friends.

Emme

If he's leaving the house at 5am and not getting home till after 7pm on a reguar basis no wonder he's tired. I can also see how he might not feel up to taking a trip on Sundays. If you offered to drive would he be more open to it?

You will have to write down all your concerns and sit down and talk to him about it. He may want children straight away but he is working mad hours and is tired as it is. A new baby is lovely but brings broken sleep, feeds and nappy changes round the clock. That would not work well with his current schedule. Realistically he should address his hours and get into a more manageable routine before you start trying for a baby.

dixiefly

Emme wrote: »

OP farming life is hard. It helps if the neighbours are friendly but some parts of the country are more accepting to newcomers than others. My mother came from a farm in a very friendly area and married into my father's farm which is in a very unfriendly area. She never got used to that. Like your fiance, my father was an extremely hard worker and his life was the farm. I think my mother would have liked to get away more but in those days you made your bed and lay in it and accepted your lot. The life my mother endured put me off marrying a farmer for life.

I can understand your boyfriend not having time for going out but not wanting to meet your family is not a good sign. Not supporting you in a family crisis is a big red flag. If something happened in his family would he expect you to help out? Do you live near his parents?

Also demanding that you go off the pill for the honeymoon is a red flag if you are not in agreement. It's as if he wants to tie you down straight away with a baby the way you can't go off travelling or have freedom. Now you may want a baby straight away which is fair enough. But was it him who suggested you going off the pill for the honeymoon?

You seem to be making most of the compromises and if you feel that you come second in everything now it will be worse after you get married.

Some farming families can be very patriarchal and controlling. Despite it being 2018, in those families women have a certain role and they have to stick to it. Like having a full-time job to bring in money, having children straight away (preferably boys), not expecting anything in the way of treats, days out, holidays or luxuries and always be ready and willing to help out on the farm when not at work. Do his family accept you and could you count on their support if you had children? Would you be able to get one of them to mind the child if you had to go away somewhere? If you don't get support in an isolated rural area life will be impossible and dare I say it, hell.

I would be concerned that he has no friends but maybe most of his class from school has emigrated or are working away. However many farmers join a GAA club and make friends that way. I come from a farming background, live in a relatively unfriendly rural area but most farmers around have friends and the ones that don't are frankly weird.

I am concerned that you have been living with him and haven't made many friends in the area or really integrated much. Are they old fashioned down there and don't approve of people living together before marriage? I also don't like that people in the pub are calling you a card shark and won't play cards with you. I get the feeling that the area is unfriendly and it's hard to get to know people - could you handle that for yourself and your children?

If your fiance had been supportive in your recent family crisis I would be saying go ahead, life isn't perfect and you don't always get what you want. But if he isn't supportive and hasn't a history of being supportive you need to think long and hard about what you are getting into. I know of several farmers in my area who got married and the marriage broke down after 6 months. The women concerned were not viewed kindly but from my point of view there would have been mitigating factors from the husband's side. One man came from a very inward looking family where they worked very hard and didn't mix much outside family. Another man is reputed to have got very controlling after the marriage and she walked.

Also is his farm viable? I can understand loyalty to the land but if he has to work that hard to break even would he not be better off leasing the land and using his time to work in a job that pays? He needs to be open to change because farming is changing very fast and will change even faster in the future. If the land is not in his name he will not be able to do anything except continue working for very little. I don't know how you get on with his family but if the land is not in his name it is unlikely he will inherit for some years so if he gives up his part-time job your wage will be supporting you both and whatever children you have. Farmers were always reluctant to pass land on to the next generation and some incentives were made in the 80s which made it attractive to pass land to a child under 35. However divorce changed that and farmers now are very unwilling to pass land to the new generation for fear the spouse will divorce and walk away with half the farm. Farmers can be especially suspicious of somebody not from a farming background marrying into the family.

Have you both gone to pre-marriage counselling?

If you are having serious doubts you would be better off to postpone the wedding rather than to get married in 3 months and separate 6 months after due to incompatibilities. You need to write down all your concerns, sit down with him and seriously discuss everything. He needs to take your concerns seriously. If he doesn't then you have a problem.

Excellent post. It is clear that a lot of thought went into this post.