What's going on?

jenggg

Hi, I'm not here to bash men but there is something that keeps happening with men of a certain age :-)

I am in my late thirties and have been doing online dating for the last year or two. I wouldn't have the best self esteem but I know that I'm attractive enough and am told i have good qualities. I'm not looking to jump into marriage or kids, just have a nice relationship where two people invest in each other's lives, going out, going on holidays, supporting and having fun with each other.

The problem is so many of the guys (around my own age) I meet seem to be averse to actually committing to a relationship. It's like they like the idea of being on the sites and going on dates to pass the time but then don't want to actually give a relationship time to grow. They act flakey, flitting in and out of contact or most recently, things are going too well, they like me too much but say they have too much going on and bail. This was particularly disappointing.

I don't mind people being honest about what they want-relationship or just casual fun. But it's this in between rubbish is annoying. It just seems like there are a lot of men of a certain age who are nearly afraid to grow up! Any one agree? Maybe it's just the people I meet or maybe I'm just not that great!

Katgurl

Ok well definitely put the 'maybe I'm not too great' out of your head for a start.

I think the most important thing is to lay down boundaries. If someone is being flaky, don't be available at short notice. You're sending yourself a message you don't need to considered a priority if you're always free for someone to chop and change plans around. Just make your own plans if someone cancels and don't keep giving another chance if it happens more than once.

Yes there are the serial daters out there. I I would approach any date with the intention of having a nice evening. Don't have any expectations and just be patient and let things develop at their own pace before you share too much of yourself. Instead of hoping for honesty and potentially being disappointed, let them show you through their actions if they are interested or not.

I had my own fair share of dating disappointments at your age and then found a lovely man. We actually met on tinder so it can happen. Mind you, prior to meeting me when he was recently just out of his marriage, I know he had a good few casual encounters which I suspect may have been disappointing for the women involved even though he says he tried to be upfront. So sometimes it's just timing!

ConnyMcDavid

Are these a few dates in or are you finding these traits months into a 'relationship'?

Could you be rushing yourself in pursuit of a relationship? Is it something you bring up early in the dayes? If so it may be putting them off?

jenggg

No to be honest I don’t have much relationship experience myself so I don’t rush things at all. It’s usually after a few dates I start to notice this lack of interest in what’s going on with me, more interest in talking about themselves or actually not letting me in on their day to day life stuff.
Katgurl-your boyfriend was married before and I think that shows a man unafraid of commitment? Maybe it’s a timing issue for them but between myself and my friend, we seem to meet a lot of guys who just don’t seem ready for a stable relationship.

kerryjack

Maybe boy don't need girl and girl don't need boy that much anymore its not that important now for both sexes to get on in life with out a partner. What I am saying is we don't need each other as much as we used to like back in the old days when a man needed a wife to look after him and a women needed a man to provide a home for them. Now botb sexes are well able to defend for themselves That need to get hooked up is gone in my opinion.

Calypso Realm

What does your dating profile say about what you're looking for?

I think your best bet is to state from the onset exactly what you are looking for ie
a relationship as opposed to something more casual. This way you'll 'weed out' those who don't share the same dating aims as yourself earlier on in the process rather than discover this and lament later on!

Rekop dog

I'd say it's as much the self esteem issue than anything. Your looks seem to be attracting people but your personality isn't keeping them around. Most people find confidence one of the most attractive qualities in someone so if you're lacking in that it makes it a lot tougher. Don't think it's the fact most men have commitment issues(that's not true) it's just they think there's better options out there.

jenggg

I specified I was looking for a relationship.
I had self esteem issues when younger but I know I come across quite confident on dates so I don’t think that’s the issue. I might not be the most affectionate at the beginning as I find PDAs a bit awkward so maybe this turns them off. Maybe I’m just not meeting people I’m very attracted to. I sometimes really like someone’s personality and concentrate on that more thinking a stronger attraction will grow...

ginandtonicsky

A few things I'd try:

- Change your profile to reflect what you're looking for, as someone else mentioned. You're perfectly entitled to want what you want and a lack of confusion at the outset usually helps

- Don't meet these guys straight away or after a few messages. My experience of the apps was that guys would always rush to take things to whatsapp, then to ask you out. Don't be the woman that gives them everything straight away. Bide your time, try to build a rapport, if he disappears because he doesn't get your number / a date straight away then he's probably not willing to get invested anyway. Try to take it to email after a bit of rapport, then have a phone call. See if YOU are actually interested in meeting this person, instead of going on a succession of first dates that go nowhere ultimately

- Make sure your profile isn't too one-dimensional. Write a paragraph or two about who you are, what you like to do, what you're looking for. Photos should reflect your personality too, your hobbies, not just selfies and you dolled up.

- Assert your boundaries. No questions about you and no real interest in getting to know you? Don't meet for a second date. Rushing in to meet straight away? Pass. Slow to contact after a few dates? Move on. Establish a standard and don't let any guy slip below that standard. I know that "ghosting" and all these ****ty behaviours are so depressingly common online these days, but that doesn't mean you can't expect a certain modicum of respect from some guy that's trying to attract your interest.

jenggg

Yes I notice people can be quick to ask you out without finding out much about you-that’s a red flag. I guess from the few messages exchanged and from their profile I thought we might be compatible so didn’t think there was any harm in meeting up soon enough. I genuinely think there’s a lot of messing “seeing what’s out there” from men at an older age who maybe act like they want to settle down but then flake. It’s not just me but a couple of my friends too...

ginandtonicsky

jenggg wrote: »

Yes I notice people can be quick to ask you out without finding out much about you-that’s a red flag. I guess from the few messages exchanged and from their profile I thought we might be compatible so didn’t think there was any harm in meeting up soon enough. I genuinely think there’s a lot of messing “seeing what’s out there” from men at an older age who maybe act like they want to settle down but then flake. It’s not just me but a couple of my friends too...

It's men of all ages, not just late-30s men! It's easy to see how dating apps encourage this behaviour though, when you're conditioned to casually 'swipe' on a human's face based on a quick photo of them and there's literally hundreds of women/men to swipe on, you can become a bit kid-in-a-candy-shop about it.

I'd honestly look for other avenues or try out other apps (match.com instead of tinder, for example) and combine that with a different approach to screen out the flaky ones as much as you can. "Humanise" yourself online and don't let yourself be pulled in by behaviours that make you uncomfortable.

All of this needs to be underpinned by a fundamental sense of self-confidence and a belief in your own worth so I'd make sure that's fully intact too. Any feelings of inadequacy or low self-esteem will always turn the online world into a total minefield and will make it hard for you to attract the right people so just make sure you're putting your best foot forward on that front.

power pants

ginandtonicsky wrote: »

A few things I'd try:

- Change your profile to reflect what you're looking for, as someone else mentioned. You're perfectly entitled to want what you want and a lack of confusion at the outset usually helps

- Don't meet these guys straight away or after a few messages. My experience of the apps was that guys would always rush to take things to whatsapp, then to ask you out. Don't be the woman that gives them everything straight away. Bide your time, try to build a rapport, if he disappears because he doesn't get your number / a date straight away then he's probably not willing to get invested anyway. Try to take it to email after a bit of rapport, then have a phone call. See if YOU are actually interested in meeting this person, instead of going on a succession of first dates that go nowhere ultimately

- Make sure your profile isn't too one-dimensional. Write a paragraph or two about who you are, what you like to do, what you're looking for. Photos should reflect your personality too, your hobbies, not just selfies and you dolled up.

- Assert your boundaries. No questions about you and no real interest in getting to know you? Don't meet for a second date. Rushing in to meet straight away? Pass. Slow to contact after a few dates? Move on. Establish a standard and don't let any guy slip below that standard. I know that "ghosting" and all these ****ty behaviours are so depressingly common online these days, but that doesn't mean you can't expect a certain modicum of respect from some guy that's trying to attract your interest.

Disagree, the more texting you do on these sites the quicker people tend to move on

Best to meet up soon then can decide what that person is like in person ie chemistry, personality, looks

Gets very very boring just building rapports on online websites

ginandtonicsky

power pants wrote: »

Disagree, the more texting you do on these sites the quicker people tend to move on

Best to meet up soon then can decide what that person is like in person ie chemistry, personality, looks

Gets very very boring just building rapports on online websites

Bet you're male too :pac:

Men play the numbers game, they want speed, they want three dates this weekend. Women need comfort, and being shoehorned into a date like you're in a cattlemart is the opposite of comfort for most of us.

IME of online dating, your strategy leads to 50 first dates that are everything from "grand" to totally terrible and that go nowhere. You need to screen people on these things and get to know that they're at least interested in the same things as you before you meet them.

Tazium

jenggg, you sound like a lovely person. Hope you find what you're looking for. For some other end insight, I'm a man of a certain age and I've never ever had a causal relationship. Those kind of hookups are just not for me. I've been in two really long relationships, neither has worked out but that's the way it goes sometimes.

power pants

ginandtonicsky wrote: »

Bet you're male too :pac:

Men play the numbers game, they want speed, they want three dates this weekend. Women need comfort, and being shoehorned into a date like you're in a cattlemart is the opposite of comfort for most of us.

IME of online dating, your strategy leads to 50 first dates that are everything from "grand" to totally terrible and that go nowhere. You need to screen people on these things and get to know that they're at least interested in the same things as you before you meet them.

Bit of a generalization there.

What you have said is common sense regarding interest in same things, but nobody wants a pen pal or waste excessive time chatting to a pic especially when filters are very common these days

Airyfairy12

I wouldnt put much faith in online dating. It works out for some people but majority of the time it doesnt.
The men youre talking to on dating sites will more than likely be talking to and dating atleast a handful of other women. Theyre also generally not looking for relationships, just casual dates and something to do on a Saturday night. Online dating has always felt a bit like shopping for people imo. Always looking for the next best thing as there are so many options and I think some men are never happy, theyre always looking for something more, the perfect fit that probably doesnt exist. Relationships take time and some sacrifice from both partners, I dont think many people are willing to put the effort into relationships anymore and I think dating sites have allot to do with that. A new date is always a click away so people dont bother investing their time in one person. I also think that a fair amount of men have ridiculously high standards for women yet theyre not willing to do any work on themselves.
Another thing about online dating is you never really know who youre meeting or what their intentions are. People can write anything on a dating site. - You cant judge a persons personality based on a profile theyve written up about themselves with the intention of attracting women and a few photos.
Im just wondering if being on dating sites has caused you to have self esteem problems? The constant rejection is getting to you and youre questioning yourself and your worth because of it.
Maybe step back from dating sites. Youre not getting what you want from them and id wonder if in the long run, they do more harm than good.
Is there a chance of you meeting someone the old fashioned way? Extend your social circle, put yourself out there and maybe build a friendship with someone first to get to know them. If that's even possible to do these days?

leggo

I wouldn’t put it down to online dating tbh. I read an article not too long ago that aimed to look at if online had ruined the idea of relationships, with a lot of the same theories spouted above. It ended up showing via studies that online actually was responsible for more marriages than traditional methods now. I can’t remember the exact statistics but it made a lot of sense when you broke it down: basically the fact that you vet someone a lot more before you even meet them makes you more likely to be compatible than someone you bump into while drunk in a nightclub or whatever.

Personally, I’d say when the same thing keeps happening, you either have to change what you’re doing or change the type of person you’re attracted to. I know a girl who gets repeatedly ghosted or cheated on and she’d tell you she’s into confident lads, but when you meet the lads anyone with a half-decent radar could tell you she’s into jack the lad types who seem charming but anyone can spot a mile off would be into bed behind a partner’s back first chance they get. But that’s what she sees as attractive so she’s doomed to repeat it ad infinitum unless she starts to perceive those traits as the recurring ones that end with her getting hurt.

Could that be the case here OP? Or does it always break down at a certain point, conversation or stage? We can’t vet the lads for you so can’t tell if you need to refine your spidey senses or if you’re perfectly rational here but communicate when you’re with someone at a certain stage in a way that they find off-putting. So that’s got to come from you looking at the situation bluntly but fairly and picking it apart. Because the reality is that people DO meet at your age and there are plenty of lads out there who DO want to find someone, so telling yourself that dating or the world is broken doesn’t actually help you at all.

irishrebe

Rekop dog wrote: »

I'd say it's as much the self esteem issue than anything. Your looks seem to be attracting people but your personality isn't keeping them around. Most people find confidence one of the most attractive qualities in someone so if you're lacking in that it makes it a lot tougher. Don't think it's the fact most men have commitment issues(that's not true) it's just they think there's better options out there.

That's pretty much what commitment issues are! They don't want to commit because they're afraid to miss out on something 'better'. I know guys who have been online dating for ten years, met plenty of lovely girls, but will never ever be happy because they always feel like they deserve more.

jenggg

Ex

leggo

It comes down to...

Do you blame online and say that every man on the Internet is like this (does that sound like a statement that’s even true?), you’re perfect and feel better in the moment...but still be left in the exact same position?

Or do you want to take responsibility and look at the evidence that other people do meet long-term partners in the same circumstances as you, feel worse in the moment...but then actually have steps you can take to change the situation?

ginandtonicsky

leggo wrote: »

It comes down to...

Do you blame online and say that every man on the Internet is like this (does that sound like a statement that’s even true?), you’re perfect and feel better in the moment...but still be left in the exact same position?

Or do you want to take responsibility and look at the evidence that other people do meet long-term partners in the same circumstances as you, feel worse in the moment...but then actually have steps you can take to change the situation?

I don't know what the percentages are, but IME it wouldn't be a huge fraction of people that meet long-term partners online - definitely not the majority anyway. I know it's becoming increasingly common though, as most single people are on at least one of these apps these days so most people will know at least one couple that met that way. I'm sure someone who met their wife/husband on tinder will be along shortly to tell me how wrong I am! :pac:

I'd agree 100% that to change the outcome, you have to stop and take a long, hard, objective look at your own behaviour and modify that. But I don't think that has to mean that the OP is necessarily choosing the wrong man every time. The fact is that these apps are comprised of a high percentage of time-wasters, whether it's because they're in it for the ego boost, they're legitimately addicted to swiping, they're not emotionally available and pretending to be or whatever.

Similar to another poster I know men that have spent YEARS on these things and still continue to go on multiple first dates a week and I can only feel sorry for whatever women they're meeting that fall for their spiel hook, line and sinker. Looking at people in my own social circle, most of them did the tinder / bumble / whatever thing when they were single, but met partners elsewhere, through work or real-life social events or whatever. It's like they did the swiping thing for a bit of craic but didn't take it seriously, meanwhile people they'd meet in the "real world" always held more appeal, and would hold the social "stamp of approval" that comes with meeting someone through those other avenues.

So yeah, 100% OP have a sober evaluation of your approach, taking account of the types of guys you land yourself on dates with. If I was to go there again, I'd be taking time to build a connection BEFORE we'd meet in person. And that doesn't mean having a pen pal for a few months, I'd ideally want to meet someone within 1 - 2 weeks. But not unless he'd courted me a little bit online, invested some time beyond "what's your number, let's meet next week". A few phone calls, a bit of over and backing that goes deeper than "where are u from".

leggo

The vast majority of 'proper' relationships I'd know in real life who've met in, say, the past 5 years would've been through online. It's how people meet now and I haven't seen any news reports about a looming population crisis because people aren't aren't marrying or having children anymore. The world is fine, it's just carrying on and dating is evolving as it always has.

I mean, yeah, you obviously do need to put work in and date around to find 'the one'...but the phrase "you have to kiss a few frogs" was around way before Tinder. That's what being single is and always has been: it's a trial and error process for all of us...we have to know ourselves first, then know what we like and dislike in a potential partner through dating people. Again, nothing new and exclusive about online there, that's always been the way. And if you look at traditional methods of meeting people were they really better? Was it better when people couldn't have sex out of wedlock in Ireland, would do so anyway then be forced to marry when the woman got pregnant? That led to a lot of unhappy marriages with stressed mothers minding the home and fathers down the pub. A massive generalisation, of course, but no more ridiculous than saying that no guys who use online dating are looking for relationships.

I'm not even saying the OP is doing a lot wrong, her experience is so very typical of a lot of people's today. But just when you blame the world...there's nothing you can do because we're not changing the world here in PI. But if you look at what you're doing yourself and modify that then it mightn't be great for instant pain relief, but you actually have options and can do something about it.

Rekop dog

irishrebe wrote: »

I know guys who have been online dating for ten years, met plenty of lovely girls, but will never ever be happy because they always feel like they deserve more.

That's grand but it's in no way representative of the entire male population. I equally know lots of lads who dated around to try find a good fit for them and then settled.

Certain women have innacurate notions that most guys are commitment phobes but its actually often the negative attitude they're carrying into dates/early relationships that's turning guys off most. The guy leaves and this then feeds into the self fulfilling prophecy that guys are afraid of commitemnt and the negative attidude toward guys only grows. Its a bad cycle to get into.

The last person people usually blame in these circumstances is themselves when it's usually the first place to look and make positive improvements.

irishrebe

leggo wrote: »

The vast majority of 'proper' relationships I'd know in real life who've met in, say, the past 5 years would've been through online. It's how people meet now and I haven't seen any news reports about a looming population crisis because people aren't aren't marrying or having children anymore. The world is fine, it's just carrying on and dating is evolving as it always has.

I mean, yeah, you obviously do need to put work in and date around to find 'the one'...but the phrase "you have to kiss a few frogs" was around way before Tinder. That's what being single is and always has been: it's a trial and error process for all of us...we have to know ourselves first, then know what we like and dislike in a potential partner through dating people. Again, nothing new and exclusive about online there, that's always been the way. And if you look at traditional methods of meeting people were they really better? Was it better when people couldn't have sex out of wedlock in Ireland, would do so anyway then be forced to marry when the woman got pregnant? That led to a lot of unhappy marriages with stressed mothers minding the home and fathers down the pub. A massive generalisation, of course, but no more ridiculous than saying that no guys who use online dating are looking for relationships.

I'm not even saying the OP is doing a lot wrong, her experience is so very typical of a lot of people's today. But just when you blame the world...there's nothing you can do because we're not changing the world here in PI. But if you look at what you're doing yourself and modify that then it mightn't be great for instant pain relief, but you actually have options and can do something about it.

Just because it's become the norm doesn't mean it suits everyone. For anyone with depression, anxiety or the like it can be an absolute nightmare. It creates this totally weird, false situation where you're going to meet someone in a situation where there are already expectations. Not to mention the safety issues involved in meeting someone totally out of context, with no common friends or anything. I find it sad and frightening how people have just happily let profit making companies completely take over what should be an organic human situation. Yes, I know people who have met their partners through online dating and are happy, but I know many more who have had absolutely disastrous results. And because it's so ubiquitous now, it vastly reduces the chances of people approaching each other in real life. I was in a pub in London a while back where almost everyone was sitting swiping on Tinder at one stage or another. One of the saddest things I've ever seen in my life. Imagine being in the same physical space as other single, attractive, lovely people and instead of approaching them, you choose to talk to people over an app who might not even be real, might not even be single, might not be who they say they are. Engaging with a fantasy instead of what's right in front of your nose.
I just want to go back to the time when people actually talked to each other and had social skills. I got stood up by a friend last year in London because she had an emergency, and I was already in the craft beer brewery we were meant to be meeting in and had a drink in my hand. Instead of standing like a lemon, I went over to a couple of friendly enough looking guys and struck up a conversation. They were receptive and we ended up going drinking with other mates of theirs and having a great time, but they said to me later that they'd thought I was a loon or it was some sort of honeytrap scam at first because who approaches people anymore? I just find it all very sad, honestly. Someone just asked me the other day is it that I don't WANT a partner, because they couldn't imagine how else I'd be single. No, I do want a partner, I just find it almost impossible to develop a meaningful connection with anyone. I've met guys I was very compatible with, but they would prefer to keep swiping and see is there anything 'better' out there, FOMO and all that, and I'm sure women do it too. It's toxic.

irishrebe

Rekop dog wrote: »

irishrebe wrote: »

I know guys who have been online dating for ten years, met plenty of lovely girls, but will never ever be happy because they always feel like they deserve more.

That's grand but it's in no way representative of the entire male population. I equally know lots of lads who dated around to try find a good fit for them and then settled.

Certain women have innacurate notions that most guys are commitment phobes but its actually often the negative attitude they're carrying into dates/early relationships that's turning guys off most. The guy leaves and this then feeds into the self fulfilling prophecy that guys are afraid of commitemnt and the negative attidude toward guys only grows. Its a bad cycle to get into.

The last person people usually blame in these circumstances is themselves when it's usually the first place to look and make positive improvements.

I couldn't say whether it's representative, but it's certainly extremely common. I told one male friend to stop texting me because I was so sick of his bullsh1t. He has dated some really lovely girls, I would say even out of his league, and instead of just being happy, he's always looking for something more, because the problem is inside him. It was horrible meeting these girls, who were excited about their new boyfriend, and knowing that they would be dumped soon and replaced with another one. His expectations are so unrealistic as to be laughable. He's almost just waiting for them to put a foot wrong so he has an excuse to move on, and he's hurting an awful lot of people along the way. 

I think a lot of dating is people who are guarded and defensive sabotaging themselves, but it's also understandable. If you'd been burned several times by men being lovely until they get you into bed and then literally ghosting you the next day (as has happened to many friends), how can you possibly be open and trusting next time? My own experiences of online dating especially is that a huge proportion of men will lie through their teeth to get sex. I dated a guy whose profile stated he was looking for a long term relationship, he told me so when we met in person, and then once we were dating a few months, he admitted he never wanted anything long term.  I was furious that he had wasted my time, and knowingly, but he just didn't get it. He didn't get that I'd turned other men down to date him, when he was being dishonest and working under false pretences. How arrogant and selfish is that? Four years on (we're still in touch) and ours is the longest 'relationship' he's ever had. He's 37. There are plenty of men like this.

leggo

I mean I can give loads of anecdotal or hypothetical stories about how the ‘old school way’ is bad, but it wouldn’t make it so. As someone old enough to have dated the ‘old school’ way but young enough to be able to adapt handily to online...neither were better than the other for me. Both had pros, both had cons. I’d be confident and able to get chatting to women in bars and used to be AWFUL at online because I was wrapped up in my own issues, all that happened there was I had loads of unfulfilling one night stands that’d end in me waking up beside someone my drunk brain mistakenly thought I might be compatible with! Just because one worked better for you doesn’t mean the world should follow along. That happens. The world changes and people adapt or fall behind. That’s life.

The reality irishrebe is that you don’t need to use online dating if you don’t want to, nor does the OP, but people do now and giving out isn’t going to change that. Create an alternative and channel your feelings positively and, who knows, if the world feels the same that could be your million dollar idea! But posting here complaining about how the world is now does nothing to change anyone’s circumstances.

irishrebe

leggo wrote: »

I mean I can give loads of anecdotal or hypothetical stories about how the ‘old school way’ is bad, but it wouldn’t make it so. As someone old enough to have dated the ‘old school’ way but young enough to be able to adapt handily to online...neither were better than the other for me. Both had pros, both had cons. I’d be confident and able to get chatting to women in bars and used to be AWFUL at online because I was wrapped up in my own issues, all that happened there was I had loads of unfulfilling one night stands that’d end in me waking up beside someone my drunk brain mistakenly thought I might be compatible with! Just because one worked better for you doesn’t mean the world should follow along. That happens. The world changes and people adapt or fall behind. That’s life.

The reality irishrebe is that you don’t need to use online dating if you don’t want to, nor does the OP, but people do now and giving out isn’t going to change that. Create an alternative and channel your feelings positively and, who knows, if the world feels the same that could be your million dollar idea! But posting here complaining about how the world is now does nothing to change anyone’s circumstances.

I remember the 'old school way'. I'm in my thirties. Was it perfect? No. Was it better than this? I think so.

This is exactly the thing - you DO need to use online dating now. It has become that ubiquitous, that it's practically essential if you want to have any chance of meeting someone. That was what I was trying to say in my last post. People don't make anywhere near the same effort to socialise and approach in real life because they're hiding behind their mobile screens. Most people I know who use it absolutely hate using it, but feel that there's no alternative now. It has been proven many times over that social media, including things like Tinder, make people more unhappy, yet people continue using it 'because it's the thing to do', 'because everyone else is'. I think people will start deserting it eventually, but that's not much comfort now.

leggo

But this isn’t a new problem! Go back and watch Friends on Netflix from the start: the women characters all complain about lads who sleep around and don’t call them afterwards. One of the male characters IS one of those guys! That was in 1994, when the idea of Tinder would’ve been something that would’ve been discussed and scoffed at on Tomorrow’s World.

Dating has always been a pain in the hole. Before dating here we had no sex before marriage, illegal contraception, mothers who got pregnant out of wedlock being sent to homes or ‘living in sin’ and being the talk of the neighbourhood. I’ll take today’s set of problems any day.

LolaJJ

I don't have any statistics, just my own experience...(I'm late thirties too).

I was on and off Tinder and POF for the best part of 3 years. I had other guys, or one particular guy always in my mind (I loved him, he didn't want me) in the background....I had NO success, lots of guys wanted to see me again or have relationships but I always thought they were desperate or not my type. The ones who didn't want relationships, but wanted to hang out always jerked me about. But I still picked those ones.

Anyway, the interesting bit.

The guy who was always in the background completely ****ed me over and I decided I would never date again, cleared out al the ****bois and started having fun by myself. 6 months later, out of shear boredom I downloaded Tinder. I matched with a few people, within 4 days I met a guy for coffee....that was 8 months ago, we're really happy now. Just home from an amazing holiday and everything's going great.

I firmly believe now that I was the flaky one going on those online dates before, even though it was unintentional and I couldn't see it.

So, I guess I'm saying don't give up!!! My best friend is actually married to a guy she met online too!! Lovely guy!!!

jenggg

LolaJJ that's great you've met someone and are happy! I'm not convinced of your theory though Isn't it par for the course in dating to meet people who aren't our type? Or are quite obviously desperate for a relationship? Just because you weren't in the right frame of mind doesn't mean you missed out on these people. I think everyone has their own little personal insecurities or feelings for other people etc etc but no one would meet anyone if you were waiting to be COMPLETELY emotionally strong??

LolaJJ

jenggg wrote: »

LolaJJ that's great you've met someone and are happy! I'm not convinced of your theory though Isn't it par for the course in dating to meet people who aren't our type? Or are quite obviously desperate for a relationship? Just because you weren't in the right frame of mind doesn't mean you missed out on these people. I think everyone has their own little personal insecurities or feelings for other people etc etc but no one would meet anyone if you were waiting to be COMPLETELY emotionally strong??

Is anybody completely emotionally strong?

I'm not, but I guess because I had romantic interests outside of the people I was actually going on dates with previously I was always going to find something wrong with anyone who was showing a bit of potential and if I'm honest I too was a little bit terrified of relationships - I can see it now, I didn't then.

I guess the second part of my point was that there are nice, solid, non-desperate guys on the apps who actually have really good intentions and maybe you have to kiss a lot of mouldy frogs before you meet them.

As someone who was exhausted with dating apps, I'm glad I gave them one more shot

irishrebe

leggo wrote: »

But this isn’t a new problem! Go back and watch Friends on Netflix from the start: the women characters all complain about lads who sleep around and don’t call them afterwards. One of the male characters IS one of those guys! That was in 1994, when the idea of Tinder would’ve been something that would’ve been discussed and scoffed at on Tomorrow’s World.

Dating has always been a pain in the hole. Before dating here we had no sex before marriage, illegal contraception, mothers who got pregnant out of wedlock being sent to homes or ‘living in sin’ and being the talk of the neighbourhood. I’ll take today’s set of problems any day.

Sure, the problem isn't new but I'd say it's more widespread. And to me, the main reason for that is the lack of accountability. If a woman meets a man through mutual friends, it's a lot harder for him to treat her badly or 'ghost' her, for obvious reasons. Meeting a total stranger from an app with no friends in common, maybe living in a totally different area seems to make it very easy for some people to forget that the other person is a human being with feelings.

Tazium

irishrebe wrote: »

Sure, the problem isn't new but I'd say it's more widespread. And to me, the main reason for that is the lack of accountability. If a woman meets a man through mutual friends, it's a lot harder for him to treat her badly or 'ghost' her, for obvious reasons. Meeting a total stranger from an app with no friends in common, maybe living in a totally different area seems to make it very easy for some people to forget that the other person is a human being with feelings.

Ghosting is an awful, selfish, hurtful, spiteful and disrespectful thing to do, those who would do this should just FRO.

One thing I’m thinking about recently is personality compatibility. My ex is a very outgoing person, talks to anyone and makes connections with people easily. I’m much more guarded and introverted and through a friend have been evaluating (of all things) star signs. Certain tendencies and traits can be possibly attributed this way. I don’t think it’s a logical thing, and wouldn’t have considered it before but looking through my own history I’ve gotten on much better with those of the same sign. Is it all hocus pocus or would you think about this at all?

padz

A few things have changed over the years

1.online dating apps flooded the dating market in women, few studys on this if you google
(ie...tinder came from grinder which is a gay hook up app...hook up culture)

2. rise of working independent women has changed the notion of traditional courtship (ie men not having to pay or commit resources/time which was an aspect of past dating)

3. Same sex marriage ref devalued it in the eyes of many single men....or at least in the eyes of the traditional man you'd want to commit

4. Recent 8th amendment further changed things regarding children/family

leggo

padz wrote: »

3. Same sex marriage ref devalued it in the eyes of many single men....or at least in the eyes of the traditional man you'd want to commit

Sorry...what? Are you actually arguing that all the 'traditional men women want to commit' are those who see marriage as devalued because 'the gays' can do it too now??

That's hilarious. Can't a woman find a good homophobe in this town anymore?! :pac:

racso1975

leggo wrote: »

Sorry...what? Are you actually arguing that all the 'traditional men women want to commit' are those who see marriage as devalued because 'the gays' can do it too now??

That's hilarious. Can't a woman find a good homophobe in this town anymore?! :pac:

Don't forgot the 8th has changed things to....even though...ya know...nothing has actually changed yet!!!! Think somebody forgot their meds.....