How to counteract a flirt?

cloudatlas

I'm looking for a bit of psychological advice. There was someone who was interested in me but we communicated our interest badly to each other and she moved on to someone else. She is an absolute flirt and has confused many people about her interest in them. She continues to flirt with me and I so far have fallen for it.

Obviously she gets something out of it and enjoys how it makes her feel to get the reaction she wants from people I'm not sure if she realises just how misleading she is and how many people fall for it.

How do I counteract the flirting when I'm around her?

Tell me how

cloudatlas wrote:

How do I counteract the flirting when I'm around her?

Ignore her.

cloudatlas

Tell me how wrote: »

cloudatlas wrote:

How do I counteract the flirting when I'm around her?

Ignore her.

What if that’s not an option?

Big Bag of Chips

You can ignore the flirting. You don't have to respond to it. If someone you didn't fancy was flirting with you how would you react?

Hurling Rankings

This post has been deleted.

cloudatlas

Hurling Rankings wrote: »

This post has been deleted.

She asked me out before I delayed answering she was annoyed and seemingly moved on but keeps flirting. A close friend told me she has confused many people in the past. This is how she operates it gives a certain amount of control.

Big Bag of Chips

So what do you want?!

Is she still going out with the other fella? If not ask her out. But be aware that when you're going out with her she'll be flirting with loads of other fellas.

Or else, ignore her.
Like you would with someone who flirted with you that you weren't interested in.

jk23

cloudatlas wrote: »

I'm looking for a bit of psychological advice. There was someone who was interested in me but we communicated our interest badly to each other and she moved on to someone else. She is an absolute flirt and has confused many people about her interest in them. She continues to flirt with me and I so far have fallen for it.

Obviously she gets something out of it and enjoys how it makes her feel to get the reaction she wants from people I'm not sure if she realises just how misleading she is and how many people fall for it.

How do I counteract the flirting when I'm around her?

Give her a touch on the shoulder and say you are a great friend. You remind me of my insert female relative!

December2012

If you don't want to flirt back to her, then imagine she is the most repulsive image and the complete opposite of what you find attractive. For example, how would you react if an 85 year old person was coming onto you (presuming that's not your thing?).

Dial Hard

cloudatlas wrote:

What if that’s not an option?

I honestly don't understand this question.

It's always an option. You just don't engage with the flirting.

Am I missing something really obvious here?

qwerty13

Dial Hard wrote: »

cloudatlas wrote:

What if that’s not an option?

I honestly don't understand this question.

It's always an option. You just don't engage with the flirting.

Am I missing something really obvious here?

I really don’t understand this point either. How can it not be an option to ignore her behaviour that you find flirtatious? I genuinely don’t get that.

wiggle16

I don't get why you can't just ignore it, either - once she stops getting a reaction she will stop it.

Or, what I would do if I were you, is say it to her out straight:

"Your behaviour is making me uncomfortable, so give it over and leave me alone."

You can either ignore her or confront her, that's how to get her to stop. And those two things are always options.

Instead, you want to use some kind of psychological tactic to turn the tables on her. Is it that you want her to stop flirting, or do you actually want to even the score by playing silly mind games? It's not your concern if she flirts with lots of people, she's perfectly entitled to do that until asked to stop, and she's actually not doing anything wrong!

It sounds more like you feel she's teasing you and you want to get back at her, to be honest OP.

Xterminator

Hi Op

you cannot control the behaviour of this person. you can control your reaction to it.

If it bothers you, then change your reaction. I dont think there is anything inherently wrong with harmless flirting. But if its not harmless , then perhaps you need to do something about it.

cloudatlas

Xterminator wrote: »

Hi Op

you cannot control the behaviour of this person. you can control your reaction to it.

If it bothers you, then change your reaction. I dont think there is anything inherently wrong with harmless flirting. But if its not harmless , then perhaps you need to do something about it.

She flirts in front of her partner. It isn’t right if the person is confusing people, my friend said that people think she’s interested when she’s not, in my case she asked me out but in general I don’t think it’s good to carry on like that, it wrecks peoples heads. Yes I do want to turn the tables but I should probably steer clear, I think saying stop would be too harsh.

ManOfMystery

Some people intentionally and blatantly flirt.

Others are naturally smiley, chatty, quick-witted, etc - and this can come across as flirtatious.

It doesn't really matter what camp she falls into. The problem here is your perception of her manner, and how it may come across as a romantic interest in you when she's already made it clear that she's moved past that. Treat it as meaningless conversation, nothing more, and don't read into it, engage or attempt to flirt back. That's how you ignore it.

cloudatlas

Xterminator wrote: »

Hi Op

you cannot control the behaviour of this person. you can control your reaction to it.

If it bothers you, then change your reaction. I dont think there is anything inherently wrong with harmless flirting. But if its not harmless , then perhaps you need to do something about it.

I disagree I think it is wrong if you know that person has feelings for you, you aren’t available and you are in essence messing with their head. Telling them ‘nice to see you’ looking over smiling at them telling them you hope to see them, telling them you are impressed by them in front of their partner, it’s too much.

Also they do it not cause it’s harmless but for control and to get pleasure out of the reaction.

Big Bag of Chips

It's irrelevant what you think she SHOULD be doing/not doing. The fact is she is doing something. You can ask her to stop, or you can ignore it and let her bf deal with it however he likes.

zapper55

Cloudatlas from what you've described that's not exactly heavy flirting.

Also you are making lots of wild assumptions about their motives. Maybe they are just being friendly.

Wheety

Nice to see you is not exactly being over flirtatious.

I think you're just jealous. You're regretting not saying yes to going out with her. Now she's seeing someone else you think her behavior is unacceptable where before you loved it.

She hasn't changed because that's the sort of person she is. Some people are flirts. You need to get over it and move on. Try and meet someone else and you won't be bothered by her anymore.

baby and crumble

Honestly, OP, the way you are describing it it doesn't seem like heavy flirting. I am a serious flirt, however I only flirt that way with people I know, and my partner has no issue whatsoever with it. The only thing you can control here is your reaction to what you percieve as flirting. Just ignore it. It's none of your business about whether it's "right" or not.

cloudatlas

Because she’s not sitting beside me rubbing my leg it’s not serious flirting. I admit I am jealous and I wish this person would be more considerate and not compliment me or tell me they hope to see me on Saturday when they are leaving the pub and I do believe they know what’s up. I don’t think it is moral in a way I wouldn’t do it, it’s gaming someone’s head. She obviously has some inclination if the effect but at other times my friend told me she is surprised when things go wrong as a result of the flirting and people get the wrong idea. I believe flirtatious people do realise the effect they have sometimes and how it’s a way of controlling the interaction so they get what they want from it and change the emotions of the other person, it’s not always innocent it’s a tactic, learned behaviour and could be prevented if they wanted to. So although i’ll take on the advice given I don’t think this behaviour is acceptable and I don’t agree with that part of the advice.

Sardonicat

What you are describing is in no way, shape or form, flirting. That you think some smiling at you and saying "nice to see you" is some kind of power trip is actually quite worrying.

sbsquarepants

cloudatlas wrote: »

She asked me out before I delayed answering she was annoyed and seemingly moved on but keeps flirting. A close friend told me she has confused many people in the past. This is how she operates it gives a certain amount of control.

I don't get it. You like her, she must have liked you too as she asked you out, you "delayed answering" but she is the one who confuses people - according to your friend.
Now you want to "counteract" her flirting, to regain control or something

Sorry - what?

cloudatlas

Sardonicat wrote: »

What you are describing is in no way, shape or form, flirting. That you think some smiling at you and saying "nice to see you" is some kind of power trip is actually quite worrying.

Why don’t you tell me what flirting is I thought it was giving someone non verbal signals smiling glancing, staring, complimenting them asking them if they are going to the same places expressing wishes that they show up to the same events etc.,

Big Bag of Chips

All the things you mentioned are things I would say to friends all the time. Male and female.
Her body language can change the context of a sentence, but in general someone asking you where you're going to be isn't necessarily flirting.

It's still very unclear what you want. Do you want her to stop? If so you need to say it. However awkward/blunt you think that may be. Otherwise you stay out of her company. If on company you don't engage in conversation with her. You be polite/civil if she speaks to you, but you don't actively participate in conversations with her. You don't seek her out.

If you start being a bit colder towards her, she'll get the hint.

You thinking she shouldn't be doing it isn't going to make her stop.. she doesn't know what you're thinking.

She asked you out, you didn't say yes. Now you think she knows you like her and is flirting with you to annoy you. Maybe she doesn't know you like her, because you didn't say yes when she asked you out! Maybe now she is just being nice to you to show there is no hard feelings between you. Maybe she is trying extra hard to be nice so that things aren't awkward since she asked you out, and you didn't say yes....?

cloudatlas

Sardonicat wrote: »

What you are describing is in no way, shape or form, flirting. That you think some smiling at you and saying "nice to see you" is some kind of power trip is actually quite worrying.

Yes but context is important and there was an interest there it’s not without history or out of the blue friendliness. I don’t think I said power trip I certainly said control.

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5

cloudatlas wrote: »

Why don’t you tell me what flirting is I thought it was giving someone non verbal signals smiling glancing, staring, complimenting them asking them if they are going to the same places expressing wishes that they show up to the same events etc.,

Over the past week I've engaged in all that behaviour. With my siblings. It's not necessarily flirting at all.

Maybe she's trying to show there's no hard feelings, or she knows there's a bit of awkwardness and you regret how things went and she's making an extra effort to be friendly.

By any chance is she very very good-looking? I've had a couple of friends who were gorgeous and basic politeness or any kind of eye contact would be misinterpreted.

cloudatlas

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

All the things you mentioned are things I would say to friends all the time. Male and female.
Her body language can change the context of a sentence, but in general someone asking you where you're going to be isn't necessarily flirting.

It's still very unclear what you want. Do you want her to stop? If so you need to say it. However awkward/blunt you think that may be. Otherwise you stay out of her company. If on company you don't engage in conversation with her. You be polite/civil if she speaks to you, but you don't actively participate in conversations with her. You don't seek her out.

If you start being a bit colder towards her, she'll get the hint.

You thinking she shouldn't be doing it isn't going to make her stop.. she doesn't know what you're thinking.

She asked you out, you didn't say yes. Now you think she knows you like her and is flirting with you to annoy you. Maybe she doesn't know you like her, because you didn't say yes when she asked you out! Maybe now she is just being nice to you to show there is no hard feelings between you. Maybe she is trying extra hard to be nice so that things aren't awkward since she asked you out, and you didn't say yes....?

It’s a bit more complicated, she asked me to go out with her and a friend I said I couldn’t but would like to another time. I thought I’d see her again to ask her out but I didn’t for a while. Next time I saw her she was cold and ignored me I sent her a message apologising for upsetting her she didn’t reply but has recently started being overly friendly after being cold before. Plus she has complimented my physical appearance, is that not flirting?

Dial Hard

cloudatlas wrote: »

Plus she has complimented my physical appearance, is that not flirting?

No!!!

I compliment friends and family on their physical appearance all the time and I most certainly amn't flirting with them.

Would I be taking a complete stab in the dark if I guessed that you maybe don't have a huge amount of experience with women???

cloudatlas

Lyle Tart Children wrote: »

cloudatlas wrote: »

Why don’t you tell me what flirting is I thought it was giving someone non verbal signals smiling glancing, staring, complimenting them asking them if they are going to the same places expressing wishes that they show up to the same events etc.,

Over the past week I've engaged in all that behaviour. With my siblings. It's not necessarily flirting at all.

Maybe she's trying to show there's no hard feelings, or she knows there's a bit of awkwardness and you regret how things went and she's making an extra effort to be friendly.

By any chance is she very very good-looking? I've had a couple of friends who were gorgeous and basic politeness or any kind of eye contact would be misinterpreted.

She’s not incredibly like model stunning good looking but has a great personality. I wasn’t going to bring nationality into it but she’s American so there is a certain social conditioning in so far as her social persona.

Big Bag of Chips

What do you want to happen?