Broken hearted is an understatement

idnkph

surrender monkey wrote:

You don't want to hear it op but it doesn't really matter if any of us think there is a chance of salvaging the relationship. You have gone through an incredibly difficult time the last few months and he has left you and added to all that pain. Those are not the actions of someone who loves you. That is not loyalty, support, patience or understanding.

Maybe he didn't want this relationship for a long time but was understanding to her situation and stayed in the relationship until a time he felt she was ok to deal with a break up?!
Maybe that's why he wanted the termination too? ( there was 2 of them making that decision) he might have said things the wrong way but i still think he did the right thing.
No point trapping himself to someone he knew deep down things were not going to work out because he didn't want her for a while but seen how tough things were for her and decided against breaking up then until she was in a better place.
Sorry for all your troubles OP but accept the situation and move on.
Get off the self pity pot and go live your life.
Your clutching at straws about the concert. Draw a line and get on with your life.

Ursus Horribilis

Brokensoul145 wrote: »

I’m not trying to clutch at straws here guys I’m trying to make sense of it all. He keeps saying he needs space and doesn’t want to talk right now etc. But if he does care deep down should he not get in touch at some point to see how I’m coping at least, Leaving the other stuff behind?

Do you not have anybody else anywhere you can talk to? A friend? A relative somewhere? Maybe you might consider picking up the phone and giving The Samaritans a call? Freefone 116 123

I still think your ex is a dick for the way he manipulated you into having that termination. On this occasion, he is doing the right thing by staying away. If he's certain that the relationship is over, then he's going to give you false hope if he makes contact. There's a good reason why the advice given out here following a break-up is to cut contact. Trying to stay "friends" with an ex you still have feelings for never ends well. From his point of view, he knows you're suffering and that he's the cause of it. I don't think anyone wants to have a conversation about that. He's now your ex and he owes you nothing.

Brokensoul145

idnkph wrote: »

Maybe he didn't want this relationship for a long time but was understanding to her situation and stayed in the relationship until a time he felt she was ok to deal with a break up?!
Maybe that's why he wanted the termination too? ( there was 2 of them making that decision) he might have said things the wrong way but i still think he did the right thing.
No point trapping himself to someone he knew deep down things were not going to work out because he didn't want her for a while but seen how tough things were for her and decided against breaking up then until she was in a better place.
Sorry for all your troubles OP but accept the situation and move on.
Get off the self pity pot and go live your life.
Your clutching at straws about the concert. Draw a line and get on with your life.

How am I clutching at straws about the concert?

Big Bag of Chips

Because you think the concert is a "complication". It's not. You want to go, so go. Let his sister make her own decision. By thinking you will not go and let her go, you are making yourself a martyr. You are looking for a reaction, from someone, him maybe?

Do you want to go to the concert? The answer to that should be "yes" or "no". It's not a complication and once you've made your decision, whatever decision anyone else makes is their own business.

Brokensoul145

I feel like I need to post again as I’m not coping. The more time goes on the more anger and hurt I am. He cut all contact with me. I don’t feel this is ok. He coerced me into having a termination then left me with nothing that is not ok. How could anyone be so cruel

Ursus Horribilis

Have you got anybody at all you can talk to?

Brokensoul145

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

Have you got anybody at all you can talk to?

My counsellor for one hour a week. No one else knows about the termination

Ursus Horribilis

When are you seeing them next?

Brokensoul145

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

When are you seeing them next?

Tomorrow. I can’t shift this pain though. My whole badly is aching my stomach my chest is so painful and the anxiety is horrible. I feel like I need to talk to him so bad I want answers and I want him to know what he done is not ok

Ursus Horribilis

Maybe give The Samaritans a call just to talk to someone in the meantime? I feel desperately sorry for you but I wouldn't advise you to try and talk to your ex just yet. He treated you very badly and in your vulnerable state he could hurt you even more. You're still very much leaning on him for support and he's not going to give that to you any more.

Would you think about giving your friend a call? You don't have to tell her about the abortion - just that you're broken up.

sbsquarepants

Brokensoul145 wrote: »

Tomorrow. I can’t shift this pain though. My whole badly is aching my stomach my chest is so painful and the anxiety is horrible. I feel like I need to talk to him so bad I want answers and I want him to know what he done is not ok

You just aren't going to get any answers from him that make any difference whatsoever. It's not like he's going to explain himself and you'll suddenly think "you know what, you were right all along" The best thing you can do is draw a line under this and move on - what's done is done it can't be changed.
Trust me - it is plainly obvious that you are better off without this guy, you just need a bit of time and distance to see that.

Brokensoul145

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

Maybe give The Samaritans a call just to talk to someone in the meantime? I feel desperately sorry for you but I wouldn't advise you to try and talk to your ex just yet. He treated you very badly and in your vulnerable state he could hurt you even more. You're still very much leaning on him for support and he's not going to give that to you any more.

Would you think about giving your friend a call? You don't have to tell her about the abortion - just that you're broken up.

How could he say he loves and cares about me yet not even check up on me when he knows I’d be heartbroken and completely lost. When we broke up he even said he felt sick cause he was so worried about me

Ursus Horribilis

People say all sorts of things when they break up. Sometimes they mean them genuinely, sometimes they don't. Seeing as this guy coerced you into having that termination, you might be learning the hard way that he's not the nice person you thought he was. That he wasn't as invested in you or the relationship as you were.

Why can't you give one of your friends a call and talk to them? Unlike him, they care about you.

heretothere

It sounds like you're much better off without him. I know he lied about his motivations with regards to the termination but, he clearly didn't want to be a father yet so if you had to have decided not to have the termination he would have left then or begrudgingly stayed for some period of time before more than likely ending it anyway. Except this time leaving you alone as a single mother.

Cut off all contact. Give yourself the time to heal. Who knows maybe in 3 years time you might be with someone who is over the moon to be having a baby with you and you'll be glad your ex broke things off with you.

Sorry for the loss of you mam, I know losing parents really sucks. You sound young too so I suspect she wasn't an old lady which does make it worse. I can tell you one thing though you have to let yourself open to healing otherwise you turn into a bitter person.

Brokensoul145

I’m not even thinking about getting back at this stage. I’m so over come with grief and shock. One minute we are planning a holiday next he doesn’t want anything to do with me. I gave him so much done so much for him looked after him when he was ill. He watched my mum die with me and was there all the way. Not wanting a relationship is one thing. But having shared that with someone I can’t inderstand how you could just cut them off know there in pain, have no support around and Just won’t even speak to them. Selfish doesn’t come close

strandroad

Brokensoul145 wrote: »

Tomorrow. I can’t shift this pain though. My whole badly is aching my stomach my chest is so painful and the anxiety is horrible. I feel like I need to talk to him so bad I want answers and I want him to know what he done is not ok

Would you find it helpful to write it out? Not to send it to him, he really has nothing to contribute here apart from further pain, but just to write a letter of sorts on all the ways you're hurt and lost. Perhaps even on paper and burn or tear it up later, but the act of pouring it out on page after page and having a good cry or two alone relieves the choking feeling to some degree at least. I've done it in the past and it helped me lots. You can do it more than once too.

Accidentally

Brokensoul145 wrote: »

I’m not even thinking about getting back at this stage. I’m so over come with grief and shock. One minute we are planning a holiday next he doesn’t want anything to do with me. I gave him so much done so much for him looked after him when he was ill. He watched my mum die with me and was there all the way. Not wanting a relationship is one thing. But having shared that with someone I can’t inderstand how you could just cut them off know there in pain, have no support around and Just won’t even speak to them. Selfish doesn’t come close

I would imagine he's feeling as guilty as hell, so it's easier to just ignore you rather than to face up to what he's done. It's not fair that there will be no sensible explanation or justified retribution, but life is not fair, neat, or tidy.

Somehow, you need to find a way to start letting this go, and to move on with your life. No one is saying this will be easy, but sooner or later you will have to do it. Many people take up a course , a hobby or an activity, as it gets you back out in the world and gives your mind something to concentrate on, but it's different for everyone.

Take your time, don't rush in to a new relationship, and try not to bring too much baggage with you. Easier said than done.

Brokensoul145

We spoke today about me returning his things. He begged me to leave him alone but I told him it wasn’t good enough he treat me like that after the termination and he can’t just brush me off like that. He told me he didn’t love me anymore and that is what the feeling was that went missing. He told me if we have 3/4 weeks of no contact we will meet up in a few weeks to talk and discuss a friendship. He said the feelings won’t come back but he does want a friendship. Now I’m confused. Any thoughts?

Big Bag of Chips

Stay away from him for 3/4 weeks.... And then stay away a bit longer. You don't want a friendship with him. You can't have a friendship with him. It needs to be a clean break. He is not interested, and being honest, I'd say he's not even interested in a friendship, he's just fobbing you off for another few weeks hoping you'll fade away.

Being in contact with him is doing you no good. Concentrate on yourself. I can't remember if you said you were on counselling, but I think you need to find specific counselling that will deal with your feelings post termination.

He is gone from your life. Deal with that grief, and then leave it behind. Life will be better for you in time.

Brokensoul145

I didnt say anything about a friendship at all, strange thing is he is the one that said multiple times he did want a friendship and wants to work on one but needs the space right now. I am working with a counsellor. But you cant blame me for been confused. Nevertheless it was easy know he didnt love me with the way he treated me huh

Big Bag of Chips

No, I knew you didn't mention friendship. I knew it would have been him offering it. But the fact still remains - You don't want a friendship with him. You can't have a friendship with him. He is offering you the cliched "we can still be friends" line. Generally that means, "this is softening the blow and allowing me to back away unnoticed".

Block him now. I don't think he will contact you in 3/4 weeks, but don't give him the option. Don't reply to him if he does. What he is offering you, is not what you're looking for. So you don't have to accept it.

You will feel better.

Toots

I'd be inclined to tell him to go and do one, to be honest. He's treated you dreadfully and the suspicious side of me would be concerned that he might want "friendship" as a kind of backup plan.

I'd cut all contact and focus on you. You deserve better.

LegacyUser

He is trying to back out of this as much as he can without looking like a bell end.

One thing I will say is stop throwing the termination in his face. I know it hurts but you both made the decision to go ahead with it and I assume you haven't talked about it constantly with him since then?

Trying to make him feel bad won't bring him back, it'll be the reverse I'm afraid he'll end up blocking you

wirelessdude01

As a lad this guy sou da kinda messed up. To me he isn't dealing with the termination at all and his way of dealing with his feelings and emotions is to push you away. He won't be back and if he does come crawling back it will be for the wrong reasons. Do what you need to to look after yourself, scream, cry, be angry, be sad, be all of them at the same time if necessary.

Accidentally

Even if he did want a friendship, that's not what you were looking for. There's a risk that a friendship would leave you hoping it would turn in to something more, and you're lining yourself up to have your heart broken all over again.

As everyone else has said, cut him out, spend some time grieving, and then start your life afresh. It's horrible, but it's what you need to do.