Broken hearted is an understatement

Brokensoul145

I’m broken and don’t know what to do. I lost a parent 7 months ago, I had a termination 4 months ago, my best friend immigrated last week and my bf ended the relationship Monday. We were together two years had plans to travel move in etc..

He ended the relationship Monday after we spent the whole weekend at this family’s house. We got on great as usual and spoke of holiday plans for summer. Before I went home he told me he didn’t feel the same and felt something was missing. My heart sank. He said he was sorry but needed space and he felt like he was making the right decision at this time. He told me to return his birthday presents two days after he send me links to items he wanted. Tuesday we spoke he told me the same, he said at some points over the weekend he questioned doing it at all and how he feeling kept coming and going, he told me if he made the wrong decision he will come back ASAP and talk it through. Today we spoke briefly about something else but he shut me down. He said he loved and cared for me yet was sure he didn’t want it and had to let me go. He said he would like to meet in the future as friends down the line and will “talk when we talk”. I am so hurt he would completely abandon me at the lowest point in my life and never wanted my mum as bad. Has anyone any advice or perspective on this?

surrender monkey

Broken soul I couldn't read that and not respond. You really have an awful lot going on and it isn't going to be easy to get through any of this.

As hard as it might be I would suggest a communication black out with your ex for a long time. Block him on your phone and all social media, delete his numbers, past texts etc. You have got to concentrate on you now.

You have suffered 3 traumatic events in less than year and that would knock even the most hardened people over. You say you are going to counselling and I would stay in it for as long as you can as it's a valuable outlet to talk out your issues if you don't have the support of friends and family. You need something to look forward to, how about booking a little holiday in a few months to visit your friend who emigrated ?

Brokensoul145

Thank you for replying. I intend to distance communication unless he decides to reach out in the mean time. The pain is unreal and I have never missed my parent more than ever right now. I understand feelings go missing but I am terribly let down that he abandoned me without warning at the lowest point in my life. I Feel he could still have been a support to me while distancing himself romantically. Only he knows the true pain as I confide in him a lot.

I enjoy and plan on keeping my counselling going. I am hoping to get over to my friend sooner as I have annual leave booked for when we had a holiday planned and I need something that week or I’ll go crazy!

surrender monkey wrote: »

Broken soul I couldn't read that and not respond. You really have an awful lot going on and it isn't going to be easy to get through any of this.

As hard as it might be I would suggest a communication black out with your ex for a long time. Block him on your phone and all social media, delete his numbers, past texts etc. You have got to concentrate on you now.

You have suffered 3 traumatic events in less than year and that would knock even the most hardened people over. You say you are going to counselling and I would stay in it for as long as you can as it's a valuable outlet to talk out your issues if you don't have the support of friends and family. You need something to look forward to, how about booking a little holiday in a few months to visit your friend who emigrated ?

Unanimous

Please be strong and keep going.

Take things easy and rest as much as you can.

Get a puppy if you like pets as they can be supportive sometimes and try going to the lake, woods etc and let nature calm your soul.

I hope you get better soon.

Brokensoul145

Does anyone feel there is any hope at salvaging the relationship?

zapper55

Look there is always hope but you may well look back and think that he didn't treat you very well. How was the relationship? And be honest with yourself.

I keep thinking about the termination you had. Absolutely your choice but I wonder if he hadn't given you that ultimatum would you have wanted to keep it. And then for him to dump you anyway?

If I was with a partner who gave me that type of ultimatum I'd loose all respect for him to be honest.

Brokensoul145

zapper55 wrote: »

Look there is always hope but you may well look back and think that he didn't treat you very well. How was the relationship? And be honest with yourself.

I keep thinking about the termination you had. Absolutely your choice but I wonder if he hadn't given you that ultimatum would you have wanted to keep it. And then for him to dump you anyway?

If I was with a partner who gave me that type of ultimatum I'd loose all respect for him to be honest.

Honestly the relationship was brilliant we always had loads of fun and I felt safe with him. Regards the termination I would 100% have kept it if he didn’t give the ultimatum. I wanted it so bad but he promised we would have one in three years. It makes me feel sick to my stomach now as it would be due in three weeks

surrender monkey

You don't want to hear it op but it doesn't really matter if any of us think there is a chance of salvaging the relationship. You have gone through an incredibly difficult time the last few months and he has left you and added to all that pain. Those are not the actions of someone who loves you. That is not loyalty, support, patience or understanding.

Brokensoul145

surrender monkey wrote: »

You don't want to hear it op but it doesn't really matter if any of us think there is a chance of salvaging the relationship. You have gone through an incredibly difficult time the last few months and he has left you and added to all that pain. Those are not the actions of someone who loves you. That is not loyalty, support, patience or understanding.

It can be argued that if he didn’t feel it then why should he stay. I may be biased but given he has said he loves and cares for me, I do believe he could have distanced himself romantically while still leaving himself available to support me and my grief. I find it hard to believe you could just abandon someone after the ordeals I have had just like that cause of a “missing feeling”. I am biased though

ShaShaBear

Brokensoul145 wrote: »

It can be argued that if he didn’t feel it then why should he stay. I may be biased but given he has said he loves and cares for me, I do believe he could have distanced himself romantically while still leaving himself available to support me and my grief. I find it hard to believe you could just abandon someone after the ordeals I have had just like that cause of a “missing feeling”. I am biased though

He may have felt guilty? He may have been afraid to leave you at a tender time and then decided there was no right time and he had to do what was right for himself?
How exactly would you suggest he "distance himself romantically" from you without telling you he's doing that?

I appreciate you've been through a tough time, I've lost a parent too and my boyfriend at the time didn't even contact me over the funeral, but it isn't his duty to pretend to be happy and support you through your (understandable and warranted) grief for however long you harbor it.

Sunflower 27

I don't know if there is hope ; sometimes people work things out, other times they don't. I do understand though that hope is probably what is getting you up in the morning and what you are clinging to right now.

People generally don't break up a relationship on a whim. It usually builds over time and involves a bit of to-ing and fro-ing.

I would think though that given the cumulative losses you have had , that he did not make his decision lightly.

You deserve to be in a relationship with someone that wants to be with you. This may not be your ex partner and, from what you have said, he is clearly uncertain if you are that person for him.

Right now, no contact is probably best. I'd also suggest, when you feel a little stronger, to start entertaining thoughts that this is it. You don't want to be left in limbo , waiting for him to get in touch and spiralling further and further into depression/hopelessness if he does not.

Your thoughts are going to be consumed of him and what ifs, so throwing yourself into a new project, volunteering, exercise, anything (obviously not anything harmful to you) can help you establish an alternate focus.

There is no easy way through heartbreak. You just have to live through it and trust that whatever happens, you will survive it and grow from the experience.

I can only imagine the hurt you are in right now, but it does get better. I'm speaking from personal experience (and I'm happier now than I ever was ) and from that of friends x

Brokensoul145

I am most distraught after the termination I feel it is such a waste now. I sacrificed so much for him and for him to just waltz off now is heartbreaking. I feel like sending him one final message to get it off my chest, how hurt and angry I feel after the termination and the way he’s just left without talking or trying. Would that do more damage than good though?

strandroad

Brokensoul145 wrote: »

I am most distraught after the termination I feel it is such a waste now. I sacrificed so much for him and for him to just waltz off now is heartbreaking

So what was the choice he gave you in his ultimatum? Terminate now and we'll try in three years time; or don't terminate and then what?

Brokensoul145

strandroad wrote: »

So what was the choice he gave you in his ultimatum? Terminate now and we'll try in three years time; or don't terminate and then what?

He’d leave me and I would end up alone (don’t get on well with family and friends live far away)

iamwhoiam

Can I just reach out and hold your hand and squeeze it tight

Ursus Horribilis

Brokensoul145 wrote: »

He’d leave me and I would end up alone (don’t get on well with family and friends live far away)

I'm sorry but if that's the sort of person you were going out with, you're better off without him. This was his baby too and he was equally as responsible for his/her conception as you were. Instead of supporting you, he backed you into a corner and hit you where he knew you were most vulnerable.

My heart goes out to you and the rough time you are going through at the moment. But please, no matter how low you feel, don't try to salvage this relationship. His behaviour when you were vulnerable tells you a lot about the sort of person he is. You're well rid of him.

strandroad

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

I'm sorry but if that's the sort of person you were going out with, you're better off without him. This was his baby too and he was equally as responsible for his/her conception as you were. Instead of supporting you, he backed you into a corner and hit you where he knew you were most vulnerable.

My heart goes out to you and the rough time you are going through at the moment. But please, no matter how low you feel, don't try to salvage this relationship. His behaviour when you were vulnerable tells you a lot about the sort of person he is. You're well rid of him.

I completely agree. He never cared if he was able to force a choice on you like that only three months after you lost your mother, and then kick you when you were down. It must feel so hard for you now but please leave him behind where he belongs.

okiss

I know you feel that you gave up so much for him in having the termination. This was not going to be an easy time because it is close to your due date. I have never had a termination but I don't think any woman rushes into a termination.

Perhaps rather that beating yourself up over this and saying if I did not have this I would have a baby now. What would life have been like if you were on your own with a newborn baby? What would life have been like for you and a baby/child long term if he was not involved or giving you money?

He did not want a baby but he promised you that you and him would have a baby at a later date. You agreed with him for what ever reason or reasons at the time. Perhaps now it was for the best. I know that you would like a family but your better waiting for the right man to have a child with.

I know at times we all make decisions and we often wonder what would have happened if we did X instead of y. Some times things happen and we think they are bad but within a few months we can see that we were strong enough to get through the bad period. Also in time certain thing's come to light that make you aware that you had a lucky escape or that due to some things happening it lead to better times or better people coming into your life.

My advice is that you block his number, Fb page and don't be in any rush to contact him. Be kind to yourself, contact friends and meet up with them. See if you can get involved with some groups to meet new people. Plan a holiday to see your friend. Give yourself time and go to counseling as it can help you to feel better.

Brokensoul145

There is one more minor complication. We had planned for months to go to a concert this weekend, him and I and his sister and her bf. He said originally I can have the tickets and bring a friend. But now his sister has said she feels really uncomfortable and awkward going with me in light of what happened. She wanted to sell the tickets to her friends but eventually agreed to let me have them. I really wanted to go to the concert but now I’m unsure if I should just let her off

Big Bag of Chips

You are grasping at anything to keep him close. The concert is irrelevant, go or don't. Let his sister make her own choice. She'll either go or she won't.

He threatened months ago that he would break up with you. Then months later he broke up with you. Whatever way you look at it he wasn't as invested in the relationship as you were. I can't imagine my husband telling me he'd walk out on me if such-a-thing happened. I'd expect him to be my support. For the two of us to be in it together.

I'm sorry OP, you need to move on. Because honestly, he doesn't sound dependable. Even if you got back together, what would be stopping him walking away again. I'd say breaking up has been on his mind for quite a while, maybe as far back as the termination. And he has hummed and hawwed over it until now.

Anything 'nice' he is saying to you is what cowardly people say when they want to end a relationship. He thinks he is softening the blow. He thinks he is making it easier for you (mostly him though). He thinks it will buy him time to let the relationship drift away, while you come to the realisation that its over.

If he wanted to be with you, he wouldn't have broken it off with you. It's that simple.

Look after your own two tickets for the concert, and let his sister decide what she's doing with hers. You need to stay away from communicating with him in any form. It's only adding to your upset.

By the way, there's no harm in sending a message telling him how devastated you are about the termination. But don't send it expecting a specific response. It's understandable that you would want him to acknowledge your hurt, or show some empathy or regret. But that might not be the response you get. You might get nothing back, or you might get nastiness back.

Just be mindful of that.

sbsquarepants

Brokensoul145 wrote: »

He’d leave me and I would end up alone (don’t get on well with family and friends live far away)

Charming. So you want him back why exactly?

OP hard as it sounds it's fairly obvious from the outside that this was a bit more one sided than you realised from within - I'm sure you'll see that yourself with time and distance.

Sounds to me like the pregnancy gave him a scare - he convinced, even coerced, you to end it and now that that's done he's making a break for the border.

To be quite honest with you he sounds like a tosser - the type of tosser you're better off without in fact.

Yellow pack crisps

Somewhere inside yourself you know this is the right thing to happen you. A loving partner doesn’t give ultimatums especially in those scenarios. Heartbreaking as it seems, one day you will be grateful this happened you. You would not have lived a happy life with this person.

Goldenlady

Hi Op,
My heart is broken for you, I too lost my mom 7 months ago and I know exactly how hard it is to be grieving someone. I wasn't with my partner long when this happened but I must say he has been a tower of strength, I know I haven't been easy and we also found out I was pregnant a month after Mom passed away.
He has been my rock, and I honestly believe your partner should have been the same for you. To put pressure on your to abort is not acceptable, its a decision that needs to be made between two people.
I really don't have much advise to offer, but definitely go get counselling. Do you have aunts or siblings you can talk to?
Please look after yourself as this is a horrible horrible time
xx

Brokensoul145

Thank you for all your messages. I will take the advice on board. Right now I feel like I’ve been thrown into the depth of grief for my mum as I’ve never needed her so bad. I feel like I should tell him how much hurt and pain I’m in before I can move on. I don’t necessarily want a response I don’t even know if I could ever trust him again but I want him to know the pain I’m in.

I respect that he’s not feeling the relationship I do, but he’s also the only one that knows how difficult things are, how strained my home life is and the little support I have. I only told him that day how concerned I was about been alone as my friend had moved. I do feel that he could still have extended support to me if he cared about me. I don’t understand how one could care watch someone go through all that then run away and leave them worse off. That’s just me though

Pigeon Chaser

A man's perspective:

He likely ended it with you due to your pregnancy. It got him thinking about being forever tied to you and he didn't want that.

Sounds like he manipulated you into having an abortion then scuttled off once he got his way.

Regarding your relationship, you may not realise it now but you are better off without. Move on, and don't retain any sort of friendship with you.

You have a lot of tragedy in your life right now. I feel for you. Look after yourself, keep talking to people. You will get through this. However, losing this "boyfriend" should be viewed as positive.

Best of luck.

Ursus Horribilis

It's also possible that your dependence on him has also fed into his decision to leave. You lost your mum and you don't seem to have anybody locally who you can turn to now. I'm wondering is it purely coincidental that he bolted days after your friend emigrated?

Kidchameleon

OP needs to take some responsibility here, nobody forced you to have a termination. As an adult, it was also your decision. All the blame for that cant be laid at his doorstep, that being said, he is no angel and you are well rid even if you dont realize it at this time.

ahnow

First of all I’m so sorry for the loss of your mam, and for going through a termination, on top of all of the other changes that have happened. Going through any of those on their own would be enough to send anyone into a spin, but having them all together is awful.
First thing I would say is do you have someone to talk to about this? I would recommend going to see a counsellor, to help support you while you build yourself back up. A lot of foundations have been moved from you, and it is going to take some time to find some stability again, but I promise you it wont always feel like this.

A bit of perspective on the break up, I’ve gone through something very similar in the last year and a half, break up after two years completely blind-sided and come at a time when I needed some support. I was flailing for a good part of a year after it but have come out the other side now and see it for what it was. Someone you’re in a stable, loving relationship does not threaten to leave over a pregnancy, that is not right, and then to break up and blindside you after two years together without so much as a prior discussion. It’s cruel and immature. This type of person you dont want in your life, and you certainly dont want “as a friend” in the future. Block him and cut him out, you deserve better than that and you will come through all of it in time.
After my break up I was so shocked I cut all contact until a year and a bit later to tell him how I felt about the way the break up happened, it gave me closure. I didn’t get the response I would have liked from him, but it gave me closure all the same to see the selfish type that he was. I see that you are wondering if you should go ahead and tell him how you feel about how he’s gone about things, for me I couldn’t have done it until the year had passed because I was so utterly betrayed and hurt by it, and I did a lot of work on myself so that whatever the response was from him didn’t take away from me getting my feelings off my chest. I would say give yourself a little time to get your thoughts together, and if you want to, yes of course say what you need to say to him. Even write it in a letter, he’s gotten to say his piece and flee, and you’ve been left with this mess, so he probably wont be willing to take responsibility, but I found after I met with my ex and said my what I never said that I did myself justice and spoke up for myself and it gave me back some sense of value. Give it some time and let your thoughts settle a bit, play out the different scenarios of how he might react when you’re ready, and if you still want to do it then do.

In the mean time my practical advise is to find someone impartial that you can talk to, start doing regular cardio exercise as it releases endorphins and gets you out of your head for a short while, take time to grieve when you need to, and pick up a new hobby. Go visit your friend, book a nice trip for yourself. Another way of seeing all of this is as a complete fresh start. You are at rock bottom now so the only way to go is up. You have complete control over how you want your life to look in the future, and although there is a lot of grief at the moment, there is also a lot of opportunity for newness and growth and potential. It’ll be very hard for the next while but I promise you it wont always be like this, this will pass like everything else in time.

dixiefly

Brokensoul145 wrote: »

He’d leave me and I would end up alone (don’t get on well with family and friends live far away)

If that was his attitude to you ten unfortunately the writing was on the wall then I'm afraid.

Brokensoul145

I’m not trying to clutch at straws here guys I’m trying to make sense of it all. He keeps saying he needs space and doesn’t want to talk right now etc. But if he does care deep down should he not get in touch at some point to see how I’m coping at least, Leaving the other stuff behind?

zapper55

No. It'll just prolong your agony. Ironically it's the kindest thing he could do, tho you can't see it now.