to contact a 'friend' or not

bottlebrush

Judging by your reaction to your friend and your response to one of the posters here giving you advice you will be lucky if your friend accepts your apology but don't be surprised if he doesn't want to continue the friendship. Your expectations are way way too high and your reactions way way too sharp. Not too many people interested in that kind of interaction. Far too many chilled out and relaxed people out there for friendship material.

Ursus Horribilis

Sorry Tara but I think you over-reacted too. Nothing in the way this guy behaved was out of the ordinary to me. I've sent texts like his to friends when I'm running late and they've sent them to me too when they're running late. As long as I get a text to say they're late, that's all I want from them. I'll hear why and get an apology when we finally catch up. Vice versa too. If I was this guy, I'd have been taken aback by the text you sent. Time to reach out the olive branch if you want to try and make up...

Big Bag of Chips

There could have been any number of reasons why he was delayed. But you immediately jump to thinking he just wasn't bothered. Just because he wasn't in work doesn't mean he was sitting around waiting to go to your house. People do have lives outside of work. They have family, they have other friends, they have neighbours, they have people in their lives who can call unexpectedly needing for something. He texted you that he'd be late and you replied 'not very polite' then told him to forget it. Then when he said ok he was on the way but would go back home, you decided that he was sulking... But you had told him not to come!!

I would often call to a friends house and bring something without being asked, or asking. I'd assume if I brought something with me, my friend would be appreciative of it and not giving out that it didn't suit the meal or whatever. I think it is rude of you to expect to dictate what somebody should bring to you. You didn't NEED anything. You would have appreciated something, and you don't know that he wasn't going to bring something.

There are so many other scenarios that could have happened that night but you immediately jump to thinking all bad of him. Why are you bothered about the friendship if you have such a low opinion of him anyway?

You were wrong. You were 100% wrong. He did nothing wrong that evening so has no reason to contact you apologising. I would say he knows well that you are waiting for him to contact him, and he is making a point of not being the one to make the first move, because that would be him admitting he was somehow at fault.

You have no idea if he was ok. If his family were ok. If anything happened that night. And you didn't care enough to ask.

I understand that you were disappointed, but sometimes things happen and our plans get disrupted a bit. Your plans were disrupted a bit, and you overreacted.

Edit: why is friend in quotation marks in your title? He's either your friend or he's not. And if it takes this very minor incident to end the friendship, then maybe it was never much of a friendship anyway.

Vela

He was probably in a rush and didn't have time to get into an explanation 'til he got there. I think you're more put out that he didn't prioritize being on time over whatever was making him late, so you didn't feel as "wanted". And that's a fair indication that you still have romantic feelings for him.

Unless there's more to the story, yes, you over-reacted. But I can see how it happened if you're trying to be friends with someone you have feelings for. That's a really tough thing to do and it can result in pretty heightened emotions. If you're still into him, tell him (after you apologise for this), but there's no point in continuing as friends if you want more than that.

BnB

tara73 wrote: »

Maybe I missed something in the last twenty years but I personally wouldn't dare to show up to a friends dinner invitation with empty hands, expecting the guest to fork out wine and dessert also.

How do you know he was going to show up empty handed ? You told him to sod off before he even arrived....

Actually.... here's a mad thought.... What if the reason for him being late was because he was whipping up something fantastic for dessert.....!!!!

Purple Mountain

Vela wrote: »

He was probably in a rush and didn't have time to get into an explanation 'til he got there.

Absolutely. He could have been about to get behind the wheel of the car or on a street walking.
He did give forewarning he wouldn't be there at said time, the time delay was not THAT outrageous and he he did apologise in sorts in the message by asking if being late was OK.
Give the guy a break.

Purple Mountain

Also.. let's say he turned up empty handed without wine etc.
What's wrong with that as because if that happened then I'd be assuming that he'd return the favour and supply a meal/wine at his house another time.
But like many have said,.there's every possibility he had bought something to bring over.

ncmc

I find your reaction really bizarre to be honest. As previous replies have said, there could be a million and one reasons why he was late, but you sent back a rude message without giving him the chance to explain. I mean, would it have killed you to wait the half hour or hour and find out in person why he was late? I personally hate tardiness and I probably would have been a bit miffed at someone being up to an hour late for a dinner date, but I wouldn’t dream of sending a rude text back without an explanation. You say this happened once before. I don’t think being late twice in a year long friendship is that big a deal!

What stood out to me is that your first thought was that because he couldn’t specify a definite time, that he wasn’t really busy, he was just ‘wandering around’ I find that a really strange conclusion to jump to. If this guy is as good a friend as you say, why would you immediately assume the worst and not give him the benefit of the doubt? Are you normally this suspicious and untrusting of people?

But to answer your original question, yes, you are over reacting. Massively so. You need to apologize immediately and take a good hard look at how you interact with people in future. But to be honest, if I was your friend, I would have alarm bells ringing over your reaction and would probably not be too keen to reignite the friendship.

ncmc

Oh and the complaint about him not offering to bring something is also very strange. If I was going to someone’s house for dinner, I wouldn’t ask if they needed something, I would just bring a bottle of wine or box of chocs or flowers. Some people would get insulted if you offered to bring food when they’re hosting, so I would just bring something without making a big deal of it!

Ursus Horribilis

Was he driving to your place by any chance? If I was running late or tight for time, I'd rather be driving to my destination rather than sitting there working out what to put into a text.

Big Bag of Chips

Thread locked at OP's request.