to contact a 'friend' or not

tara73

Hey,

might be a minor thing in comparison to others, but it's botherig me a lot and I start loosing perspective, so would be great to hear some thoughts on it.

I've met a man roughly a year ago. I'm not romtantically interested in him, but he is (was) a great platonic male friend to me. I could tell him everything he's an intelligent guy with a sharp mind.

I invited him to an evening to homemade sushi, means preparing and rolling it together and then, for sure, eating it. we did that before and I had all the leftovers (like the half package of rice, vinegar, seaweed etc) from the last time. As we shared the cost for it I thought it's fair and time to invite him for another round as this were also 'his' ingredients so to speak.

When I asked him and suggested a date, he wrote: sushi, super, ok, which time? I suggested a time and he was ok with it.

the evening came and I got a text 15 min. before the agreed time: I will be half an hour or an hour late, I hope you don't mind.
It really upsetted me. there was no: 'sorry, I forgot the time' or anything. and he wasn't in work, which would have been completely understandable if something got inbetween at work. But he was on holidays.
And why half an hour or an hour? what's that for a timeframe? To me, it read like: I don't really care about this Sushi, I just wander around somewhere and take my time. You can wait.

He also didn't ask if he should bring anything, a bottle of wine, the dessert, something for the Sushi. I found that kind of rude before I got this text.

I wrote him a text back: ok, not very polite. I got no reply for the next half an hour. I got so fed up, I canceled the whole sushi thing. He wrote back: 'ok, I'm on my way now but then I go back home'. Kind of sulky to me...
I explained him via text why I'm not keen on rolling sushi anymore. No answer from him.

Since then (4 weeks ago) there was no contact at all. no messaging, no meeting. normally we would have met (with him initiating it also) once a week.

Sorry for the long post, and it sounds really childish when writing it down. maybe that's what it is.
My question is: did I overreact? But his behaviour was upsetting me, and my gut feeling was telling me this is not right. And gut feelings, for me, are normally telling the truth.
And he did something like that before, so it was the second time, not the first time when you can see it as a once off...

Should I contact him? We were on such good terms (at least that's what I thought) and it's so weird that there's no contact from one day to the other.
On the other hand I think I have my answer, so why bothering with contacting him. I'm really torn about it.

iamwhoiam

Did you ask him why he was delayed ? I can think of numerous reasons . Traffic , bus delayed , a phone call that he needed to deal with , he dozed off , he just forgot what time it was . Or he might actually had a personal problem and would have filled you in when he arrived

None of these are a big deal , he had text you and let you know. Its not like he did not bother to turn up at all ,
Yes I personally think you over reacted and you had no idea why he was delayed or if he had a problem . I would text him or phone and actually apologise for not trusting him .

tara73

iamwhoiam wrote: »

Did you ask him why he was delayed ? I can think of numerous reasons . Traffic , bus delayed , a phone call that he needed to deal with , he dozed off , he just forgot what time it was
None of these are a big deal , he had text you and let you know. Its not like he did not bother to turn up at all ,
Yes I personally think you over reacted and you had no idea why he was delayed or if he had a problem . I would text him or phone and actually apologise for not trusting him .

but don't you think it's not his part to let me know in the first place? why I have to beg to get the reason? that's weird in itself.

For me, this is one part of his rudeness. as said, just some general explanation,(true or not) would have done it. like: sorry, I forgot the time. Or 'the bus was late'.

Addle

I think you overreacted too.
Are you sure you don't like him?

iamwhoiam

tara73 wrote: »

but don't you think it's not his part to let me know in the first place? why I have to beg to get the reason? that's weird in itself.

For me, this is one part of his rudeness. as said, just some general explanation,(true or not) would have done it. like: sorry, I forgot the time. Or 'the bus was late'.

No , I don't think he owed you an explanation via text . For all you know it might have been a personal problem . My guess is he was texting in a hurry and would have explained in person
He would have been there in 30/60 minutes so why beg for a reason via text ?
If you value his friendship then in my opinion its up to you to contact him

Sardonicat

tara73 wrote: »

but don't you think it's not his part to let me know in the first place? why I have to beg to get the reason? that's weird in itself.

For me, this is one part of his rudeness. as said, just some general explanation,(true or not) would have done it. like: sorry, I forgot the time. Or 'the bus was late'.

His reason may not be any of your business. He's not obliged to provide you with one. I think he got a good insight into your immature behaviour and is keeping his distance. If you do contact him make it for an apology.

SimpleDimples

Is it possible that there are cultural differences at play & that you have different views of the importance of exact times?

If he's Irish, it would be typical to text when late and explain when he gets there.

tara73

SimpleDimples wrote: »

Is it possible that there are cultural differences at play & that you have different views of the importance of exact times?

If he's Irish, it would be typical to text when late and explain when he gets there.

no, he's from the same culture as me:).

The Pheasant2

You completely overreacted - he was courteous enough to text you ahead of time to inform you of his lateness. He's not your boyfriend, he doesn't owe you a detailed or "good" excuse beyond that (particularly if he was only going to an hour late max)

Not surprised to hear he hasn't made contact after you throwing your toys out of the pram. If you value your relationship with him I'd be making first contact to apologise if I were you.

starbaby2003

I’m a bit confused that you seem pissed he didn’t offer to bring wine or something... but the cost of the ingredients were previously halved. I would never expect someone to contribute to the cost of dinner I was cooking but if I had would then not expect a ‘present’ on top of it.
I think that you are not being 100% honest about your expectations. Why were you so upset by him being late, was it the act or how he conveyed it to you ? It sounds like a casual meet up running a bit late should not in my opinion be a cause for concern, maybe he stopped to pick up a bottle of wine.

dizzymiss

I think you completely overreacted. I'm sure he would have explained when he got there. The whole sushi thing sounded like something very casual yet imo you've made it into something big.

Are you sure you dont like him more than platonically.

dizzymiss

The Pheasant2 wrote: »

Not surprised to hear he hasn't made contact after you throwing your toys out of the pram. If you value your relationship with him I'd be making first contact to apologise if I were you.

100% agree with this statement

SeaFields

To be honest OP that sounds like a totally and unjustified overreaction on your part and possibly why he's decided to cut off contact. If I was put in the same situation as him I'd do the same.

Flibble

You completely overreacted!

It wouldn't be unusual for me to just text my friends the words 'running late' or 'be there ASAP' if I thought I'd be less than an hour.

It sounds like you were getting together for a casual night in, which generally comes with much less pressure than a night out for people to be on time. It's not like you were cooking anything that would have gone cold, and it's not like he was leaving you waiting in a restaurant; you were at home.

If I had gotten a snotty text from someone I was meeting in the scenario you describe, it would be a red flag for me. You couldn't just wait a few more minutes to see him in person??

tara73

starbaby2003 wrote: »

I’m a bit confused that you seem pissed he didn’t offer to bring wine or something... but the cost of the ingredients were previously halved. I would never expect someone to contribute to the cost of dinner I was cooking but if I had would then not expect a ‘present’ on top of it.

for sushi, you buy a big packet of rice, seaweed, vinegar etc. This ingredients last for more than one meal. this costs were halved previously. but then you also need a lot of fresh vegetables and especially very fresh fish from the fish shop. I made the effort to run to the shops and bought this stuff. I don't mind, but it's just common sense and polite (for me) for the other person to ask if he can contribute something also, like the wine or dessert.

I never mentioned expecting a present or something.

starbaby2003 wrote: »

I think that you are not being 100% honest about your expectations. Why were you so upset by him being late, was it the act or how he conveyed it to you ? It sounds like a casual meet up running a bit late should not in my opinion be a cause for concern, maybe he stopped to pick up a bottle of wine.

it was definitely how he conveyed it to me. I think I explained it twice already, there's no problem in running late, it was how it was communicated.

And to the poster who mentioned if there's not some romantic expectations from my side, I can clearly exclude that!:) He's a lot worth to me as a friend that's why I'm upset about it all.

woodchuck

You definitely overreacted. I could understand if he's always late and this was the last straw, but it sounds like it was a once off?

He let you know ahead of time he was running late. As for giving you a time range instead of an exact time, that's actually my own personal preference - committing to an exact time can be difficult depending on public transport and traffic!

As for him not offering to bring wine or dessert, how do you know he wasn't planning to bring something anyway? Even if he wasn't, it's not exactly a mortal sin.

Are you sure you don't fancy this guy?!

Demanding behaviour OP. Needlessly so.

I can only imagine he’s seen sense now and is happy to leave his share of the sushi stuff for you to enjoy on your own.

iamwhoiam

tara73 wrote: »

for sushi, you buy a big packet of rice, seaweed, vinegar etc. This ingredients last for more than one meal. this costs were halved previously. but then you also need a lot of fresh vegetables and especially very fresh fish from the fish shop. I made the effort to run to the shops and bought this stuff. I don't mind, but it's just common sense and polite (for me) for the other person to ask if he can contribute something also, like the wine or dessert.

I never mentioned expecting a present or something.



it was definitely how he conveyed it to me. I think I explained it twice already, there's no problem in running late, it was how it was communicated.

And to the poster who mentioned if there's not some romantic expectations from my side, I can clearly exclude that!:) He's a lot worth to me as a friend that's why I'm upset about it all.

OP . You asked for opinions and got them . You now seem not to want to accept them . Read back the replies and see how overwhelming people are of the opinion you over reacted
I think you owe your friend an apology to be honest . Read over the replies and open your mind

starbaby2003

tara73 wrote: »

for sushi, you buy a big packet of rice, seaweed, vinegar etc. This ingredients last for more than one meal. this costs were halved previously. but then you also need a lot of fresh vegetables and especially very fresh fish from the fish shop. I made the effort to run to the shops and bought this stuff. I don't mind, but it's just common sense and polite (for me) for the other person to ask if he can contribute something also, like the wine or dessert.

I never mentioned expecting a present or something.



When I go to a friends for dinner, I always bring wine or a dessert. I don’t tell them that I am though. The reason I am saying it because you have these expectations that you feel were not met but perhaps they were and you weren’t aware as he never made it over. There seems to be a communication breakdown between what you and he were expecting in my opinion.

tara73

good lord, am I that wrong?? I'm really baffled.
so it's not decent behaviour to let the other person briefly know why you're late? because it wasn't 10 or 15 min, it was up to an hour.

and it's not polite anymore to ask beforehand if there's something to contribute, especially when it's not a romantic dinner? I wouldn't expect a lover to ask to bring an avocado or the dessert if I invite him to dinner, but a friends invitation..???

Maybe I missed something in the last twenty years but I personally wouldn't dare to show up to a friends dinner invitation with empty hands, expecting the guest to fork out wine and dessert also.

iamwhoiam

tara73 wrote: »

good lord, am I that wrong?? I'm really baffled.
so it's not decent behaviour to let the other person briefly know why you're late? because it wasn't 10 or 15 min, it was up to an hour.

and it's not polite anymore to ask beforehand if there's something to contribute, especially when it's not a romantic dinner? I wouldn't expect a lover to ask to bring an avocado or the dessert if I invite him to dinner, but a friends invitation..???

Maybe I missed something in the last twenty years but I personally wouldn't dare to show up to a friends dinner invitation with empty hands, expecting the guest to fork out wine and dessert also.

He might have explained in person and not via text .
And how do you know he didn't have wine with him ?
You jumped to numerous conclusion and none of them complimentary .He is a good friend so cut him some slack .I think you need to really look at your reaction and how you dealt with what is a fairly minor issue

bottlebrush

You probably should have waited until he arrived to hear his explanation for being late. Many people arrive at events and don't even bother texting or phoning to say they are late, but in your case your friend had the courtesy to let you know and many people wouldn't have the decency to do that. And also I would take it that as you have been friends for a period of time and you had dined together before that he would know by now your taste in wine and would not have needed to ask you.
Your reaction seems like like an awful lot of drama over a minor thing.

Would you react similarly to any other friends if the same happened or are you a bit more invested in this friendship than the others?

I know that my friends and family are often late coming to my house and oftentimes I get delayed getting to theirs and we'd text each other to say we're on the way or going to late. But we wouldn't be sending a text back saying 'not very polite' followed by another one saying the night is cancelled altogether. We have reasonable expectations and everybody is just doing their best.
I think it is understandable he hasn't contacted you again, most people wouldn't be into all that drama, it's too much hard work. Might be a good time to examine your own insecurities and learn to temper your reactions to certain situations.

Yes, you are that wrong.

You would likely have received an apology when he arrived, but you are absolutely not for one moment entitled to any explanation. He was running late. That’s all you needed to know.

He could also have had a bottle of wine or something else as a token of gratitude on his person when you acted like a childish and spoiled brat, cancelling an invitation at the very last minute.

You don’t deserve his friendship.

tara73

iamwhoiam wrote: »

OP . You asked for opinions and got them . You now seem not to want to accept them . Read back the replies and see how overwhelming people are of the opinion you over reacted
I think you owe your friend an apology to be honest . Read over the replies and open your mind

I read them and think about it, no worries. And I accept what I want to accept, if you like it or not.
You already wrote I should apology, no need to repeat!
Thanks for your input!

iamwhoiam

tara73 wrote: »

I read them and think about it, no worries. And I accept what I want to accept, if you like it or not.
You already wrote I should apology, no need to repeat!
Thanks for your input!

Wow !! Just wow !

bottlebrush

iamwhoiam wrote: »

Wow !! Just wow !

I rest my case!!

iamwhoiam

iamwhoiam wrote: »

Wow !! Just wow !

I’m not surprised at all.

Neither is the guy who now knows better.

Addle

Do you know why he was late OP, or so you think you do?
Is that why you're so unreasonably mad?

iamwhoiam

bottlebrush wrote: »

I rest my case!!

Me too !' What a waste of advice !

The_Honeybadger

Op I am a very punctual person and people being late drives me mad. That said, I accept that not everyone is like me and people can often be late for things for all sorts of reasons.

You were very harsh on your friend. I would contact him and apologise if it was me. Just tell him you were having a bad day and hopefully ye can move past it if the friendship is important to you.

waffleman

You are not in a relationship with this person and you gave him grief for LETTING YOU KNOW he would be late. Its goin to be a long road ahead for you in any friendship / relationship reacting like that.

You have to allow some flexibility. You mightve had a great evening. He mightve brought wine / dessert. By the end of the night you mightve totally forgotten about his lateness. Or it couldve been a disaster and you decide you dont want to see him again. But one thing is for sure - you wont find out if you get the hump over nothing before he even arrives.

bottlebrush

Judging by your reaction to your friend and your response to one of the posters here giving you advice you will be lucky if your friend accepts your apology but don't be surprised if he doesn't want to continue the friendship. Your expectations are way way too high and your reactions way way too sharp. Not too many people interested in that kind of interaction. Far too many chilled out and relaxed people out there for friendship material.

Ursus Horribilis

Sorry Tara but I think you over-reacted too. Nothing in the way this guy behaved was out of the ordinary to me. I've sent texts like his to friends when I'm running late and they've sent them to me too when they're running late. As long as I get a text to say they're late, that's all I want from them. I'll hear why and get an apology when we finally catch up. Vice versa too. If I was this guy, I'd have been taken aback by the text you sent. Time to reach out the olive branch if you want to try and make up...

Big Bag of Chips

There could have been any number of reasons why he was delayed. But you immediately jump to thinking he just wasn't bothered. Just because he wasn't in work doesn't mean he was sitting around waiting to go to your house. People do have lives outside of work. They have family, they have other friends, they have neighbours, they have people in their lives who can call unexpectedly needing for something. He texted you that he'd be late and you replied 'not very polite' then told him to forget it. Then when he said ok he was on the way but would go back home, you decided that he was sulking... But you had told him not to come!!

I would often call to a friends house and bring something without being asked, or asking. I'd assume if I brought something with me, my friend would be appreciative of it and not giving out that it didn't suit the meal or whatever. I think it is rude of you to expect to dictate what somebody should bring to you. You didn't NEED anything. You would have appreciated something, and you don't know that he wasn't going to bring something.

There are so many other scenarios that could have happened that night but you immediately jump to thinking all bad of him. Why are you bothered about the friendship if you have such a low opinion of him anyway?

You were wrong. You were 100% wrong. He did nothing wrong that evening so has no reason to contact you apologising. I would say he knows well that you are waiting for him to contact him, and he is making a point of not being the one to make the first move, because that would be him admitting he was somehow at fault.

You have no idea if he was ok. If his family were ok. If anything happened that night. And you didn't care enough to ask.

I understand that you were disappointed, but sometimes things happen and our plans get disrupted a bit. Your plans were disrupted a bit, and you overreacted.

Edit: why is friend in quotation marks in your title? He's either your friend or he's not. And if it takes this very minor incident to end the friendship, then maybe it was never much of a friendship anyway.

Vela

He was probably in a rush and didn't have time to get into an explanation 'til he got there. I think you're more put out that he didn't prioritize being on time over whatever was making him late, so you didn't feel as "wanted". And that's a fair indication that you still have romantic feelings for him.

Unless there's more to the story, yes, you over-reacted. But I can see how it happened if you're trying to be friends with someone you have feelings for. That's a really tough thing to do and it can result in pretty heightened emotions. If you're still into him, tell him (after you apologise for this), but there's no point in continuing as friends if you want more than that.

BnB

tara73 wrote: »

Maybe I missed something in the last twenty years but I personally wouldn't dare to show up to a friends dinner invitation with empty hands, expecting the guest to fork out wine and dessert also.

How do you know he was going to show up empty handed ? You told him to sod off before he even arrived....

Actually.... here's a mad thought.... What if the reason for him being late was because he was whipping up something fantastic for dessert.....!!!!

Purple Mountain

Vela wrote: »

He was probably in a rush and didn't have time to get into an explanation 'til he got there.

Absolutely. He could have been about to get behind the wheel of the car or on a street walking.
He did give forewarning he wouldn't be there at said time, the time delay was not THAT outrageous and he he did apologise in sorts in the message by asking if being late was OK.
Give the guy a break.

Purple Mountain

Also.. let's say he turned up empty handed without wine etc.
What's wrong with that as because if that happened then I'd be assuming that he'd return the favour and supply a meal/wine at his house another time.
But like many have said,.there's every possibility he had bought something to bring over.

ncmc

I find your reaction really bizarre to be honest. As previous replies have said, there could be a million and one reasons why he was late, but you sent back a rude message without giving him the chance to explain. I mean, would it have killed you to wait the half hour or hour and find out in person why he was late? I personally hate tardiness and I probably would have been a bit miffed at someone being up to an hour late for a dinner date, but I wouldn’t dream of sending a rude text back without an explanation. You say this happened once before. I don’t think being late twice in a year long friendship is that big a deal!

What stood out to me is that your first thought was that because he couldn’t specify a definite time, that he wasn’t really busy, he was just ‘wandering around’ I find that a really strange conclusion to jump to. If this guy is as good a friend as you say, why would you immediately assume the worst and not give him the benefit of the doubt? Are you normally this suspicious and untrusting of people?

But to answer your original question, yes, you are over reacting. Massively so. You need to apologize immediately and take a good hard look at how you interact with people in future. But to be honest, if I was your friend, I would have alarm bells ringing over your reaction and would probably not be too keen to reignite the friendship.

ncmc

Oh and the complaint about him not offering to bring something is also very strange. If I was going to someone’s house for dinner, I wouldn’t ask if they needed something, I would just bring a bottle of wine or box of chocs or flowers. Some people would get insulted if you offered to bring food when they’re hosting, so I would just bring something without making a big deal of it!

Ursus Horribilis

Was he driving to your place by any chance? If I was running late or tight for time, I'd rather be driving to my destination rather than sitting there working out what to put into a text.

Big Bag of Chips

Thread locked at OP's request.