meeting

Lucy91

Hey just looking for some insight...

Was with my boyfriend for 7 years...We are both in our late 20s..Anyhow my boyfriend wanted us to go travelling to Thailand for 6 weeks. Due to recent health issue I told him I wouldn't be able to go and he could go backpacking by himself...He was reluctant and insisted on me going but after explaining to him that I wouldn't be able for all the hiking with my health he went ahead and booked his trip. He had already booked 6 weeks sabatical off work months ago.

So right up till he left he was telling me how much he loved me, that we would take our own holiday over the Summer and so on...When he arrived in Thailand he messaged me said he missed me and would contact me the following day.

Anyhow after about 4 days had passed no word, I noticed online that he had been out playing drinking games with a large group mostly girls and that they slept on the beach. I being insecure acused him of cheating,he swore he did not and well we had an argument via email in which I told him it was over and never wanted to hear from him again.

I gave him 12 days space in which I noticed that he had been out with this one particular asian girl. I emailed him asked how he was getting on if we could move on from the argument and no reply. So the next day emaied him again and no response.

Eventually another week had passed and he finally replied said he wasn't cheating, because I already broke up with him on email and i should move on....just like that after 7 years.

So he came back home last week didn't contact him until yesterday as I felt I needed some explanation as to what happened. Before he left he wanted to marry me, said he loved me everyday and we were together for so long. Anyhow he answered the phone said he cheated on me over there with a backpacker, had moved on from me, is moving abroad soon and will call over at the weekend to say his goodbyes to me and my family and I can still be friends with him if i wish.

I dont understand how all of this just happened we were very happy together and I also dont understand the need to come over to say his goodbyes when he knows I'm heartbroken and he already said he cheated..... Any thoughts?

notsoyoungwan

How happy were ye in reality if after 7 years together you still describe yourself as ‘insecure’ and accuse him of cheating with no proof, refuse to believe/trust him, then break up with him via email and tell him never to contact you again?

Also, if you dump someone and tell them you don’t ever want to hear from them again, don’t be surprised when they don’t contact you - that’s what you asked for, after all.

You were the one who then hassled him - emailing twice in two days when you didn’t get a response from him.

From what he’s said, he wasnt with anyone else until after you dumped him- if that’s the case then I don’t blame him at all, tbh. He was dumped by his partner of 7years because of what she saw on Facebook, and she refused to believe him when he attempted to explain.

If I were him I wouldn’t want anything to do with you either, tbh.

BoJack Horseman

He didn't cheat on you.

You dumped him.
After 7 years, you dumped him via email.

Whatever he did thereafter is his business, outside the relationship you terminated.

nikkibikki

I imagine he is extremely hurt by your mistrust of him, thinking the worst of him and the callousness of dumping him over email saying you never want to hear from him again. He has feelings too.

woodchuck

So he goes on the trip of a lifetime, which you manage to sour in the space of only a few days by accusing him of cheating and dumping him by email.

I'm sorry OP, but you've made your own bed and you need to lie in it.

I'd suggest getting counselling for your insecurity issues so that it doesn't ruin any future relationships also.

Tokyo

Both of your dealings with this situation seem quite reactionary, TBH. It seems that he had no issues with you accompanying him, but additionally by the sounds of it, he got caught up in the backpacker/beach party culture there (I live in SE Asia and drinking games and 24 hour beach parties are par for the course).

Your reaction was over the top - while he seems to have left you by the wayside a bit (I presume that he managed to update fb with photos, but didn't manage to drop you a message), your response was nuclear - you ditched him via email and told him never to contact you again. I can't speak to the tone by which you ditched him, but I can guess that it wasn't rational, or pleasant.

His own reaction seems a tad extreme too - not so much the hooking up with somebody there, but the immediate jump to "I'm moving to Asia, bye everybody" smells a little of a person who doesn't want the holiday to end, and I'm assuming, is walking away from his job back here to do so. Which seems rash, to say the least.

It really does seem that cooler heads need to prevail here, on both sides. He didn't cheat - you dumped him, and although hurtful for you, he rebounded, made much easier by virtue of being in a place where it's very easy to rebound. He, on the other hand, seems to have gotten caught up in the whirlwind of SE Asia, and while that isn't necessarily a bad thing (I live there myself), it does sound as if he should probably put a bit more realistic thought into it.

You don't say in your post what you want to come of all this. Are you looking to get back together? Are you looking to try and maintain a friendship with him? Or are you just looking to see where it all fell apart? Either way, in my opinion, it starts with an apology - you need to set aside the idea that he cheated on you for now - and apologise for your own part in this. How he reacts to that, or even if he reacts to that, is down to him.

Murdoc90

sounds to me like ye were on a break..

uck51js9zml2yt

You told him to go on his own. Didn't trust/believe him and broke up with him via email and are now wondering what happened.

SusieBlue

Did you post this before? It reads as extremely familiar.

Dixie Chick

Hi OP

I do feel sorry for you as I recognise a bit of my younger, insecure self in your post.

The thing is, I know you probably broke up with him to get a reaction from him, for him to profess that he was having an awful time without you and that he missed you a lot and really just wanted to be at home with you. However you went off the cliff with breaking up with him via email and then going back and calling it "an argument". Your timing was obviously not good as he was indeed having a ball and probably not cheating but maybe was after realising that he would love to be a nice single backpacker on a beach in Thailand with some Asian girl !

I think it sounds toxic all over though and I am not sure that ye are compatible. I get that ye were technically on a break, but it is the old Ross and Rachel there again really on that one !

GreeBo

OP I'm confused, did he or did he not cheat on you before you dumped him?

TheBoyConor

SusieBlue wrote: »

Did you post this before? It reads as extremely familiar.

I was thinking the same thing, from a few months ago but was wondering if it was a dejavu.

Pull the other one op.

Emme

I think people are being hard on the OP. Her boyfriend was all lovey dovey before he went away and he contact her when he was abroad saying he would be in touch the following day. 4 days passed and he hadn't got in touch with her. She did stalk his fb which was wrong but she found out that he had played drinking games with a group of girls. She lost it and dumped him which was a wrong move BUT he didn't put up any fight to save a relationship of 7 years. That indicates to me that it didn't mean all that much to him and he just stayed with her all those years out of convenience.

It may hurt now for the OP but she is better off without someone who tells her he will contact her the following day but doesn't bother and she has to contact him after 4 days. She should not have been so hasty and broken it off but he put up no fight to save the relationship.

He may have said that he wanted to marry her before he went but that means nothing if he wasn't willing to back it up with a proposal and an engagement ring. If she had meant that much to him and he really wanted to marry her he could have proposed before he went to show his commitment.

He knew the OP had health problems and wouldn't be up to a backpacking trip around Asia. He still booked it and went making excuses saying that he loved her and would go on a summer holiday with her. So why didn't he book a holiday with her before he went to show his commitment to the holiday with her? I think he was having doubts about his relationship with her, didn't have the balls to admit it and his trip to Asia (knowing all along she wouldn't be able to come with him) was his way of ending the relationship. A cowards way out and she is better off without him.

The OP is insecure and her ex didn't have the maturity to back up his empty words. The emptiness of his words were demonstrated when he went on the backpacking trip without her. The relationship can't have been that good if the OP was insecure and didn't trust him while he was away and if he didn't stick to his word and contact her the next day when he said he would.

It's up to the OP if she wants to stay friends with him when he comes over to say his goodbyes. I personally would not think there is any point in her staying friends with him or even saying goodbye to him. He has said goodbye already through his actions. It's over.

The OP should work on her self-confidence and counselling would be no harm.

I would not be surprised if he has cheated on her during the 7 years they were together nor would I be surprised if he cheated on her before she broke it off with him by email for not contacting her when he said he would.

IITYWYBMAD

GreeBo wrote: »

OP I'm confused, did he or did he not cheat on you before you dumped him?

Why would this matter? Is it semantics you are after? Surely at this stage, it's beside the point.

Emme wrote: »

I think people are being hard on the OP. Her boyfriend was all lovey dovey before he went away and he contact her when he was abroad saying he would be in touch the following day. 4 days passed and he hadn't got in touch with her. She did stalk his fb which was wrong but she found out that he had played drinking games with a group of girls. She lost it and dumped him which was a wrong move BUT he didn't put up any fight to save a relationship of 7 years. That indicates to me that it didn't mean all that much to him and he just stayed with her all those years out of convenience.

It may hurt now for the OP but she is better off without someone who tells her he will contact her the following day but doesn't bother and she has to contact him after 4 days. She should not have been so hasty and broken it off but he put up no fight to save the relationship.

He may have said that he wanted to marry her before he went but that means nothing if he wasn't willing to back it up with a proposal and an engagement ring. If she had meant that much to him and he really wanted to marry her he could have proposed before he went to show his commitment.

He knew the OP had health problems and wouldn't be up to a backpacking trip around Asia. He still booked it and went making excuses saying that he loved her and would go on a summer holiday with her. So why didn't he book a holiday with her before he went to show his commitment to the holiday with her? I think he was having doubts about his relationship with her, didn't have the balls to admit it and his trip to Asia (knowing all along she wouldn't be able to come with him) was his way of ending the relationship. A cowards way out and she is better off without him.

The OP is insecure and her ex didn't have the maturity to back up his empty words. The emptiness of his words were demonstrated when he went on the backpacking trip without her. The relationship can't have been that good if the OP was insecure and didn't trust him while he was away and if he didn't stick to his word and contact her the next day when he said he would.

It's up to the OP if she wants to stay friends with him when he comes over to say his goodbyes. I personally would not think there is any point in her staying friends with him or even saying goodbye to him. He has said goodbye already through his actions. It's over.

The OP should work on her self-confidence and counselling would be no harm.

I would not be surprised if he has cheated on her during the 7 years they were together nor would I be surprised if he cheated on her before she broke it off with him by email for not contacting her when he said he would.

Completely agree with the above. OP, it sounds to me like you really dodged a bullet on this one. 7 years, and his head is turned the minute you are off the scene? As I said above, it really doesn't matter whether it was before or after you're argument that he played the field. He obviously knows you after 7 years, and knew that by carrying on like he did, he would provoke some reaction.

People will jump on a bandwagon all to easy to point out your minor failure in stalking him on FB, or reacting to a situation where he was shoving it in your face, but they are all natural and human reactions, ignore them.

Genuinely, if this is the type of respect he has for you after 7 years together, I would tell him to shove his "goodbyes" and f**k off to wherever he's going without delaying. It won't be easy, but you've dodged a bullet here. And don't listen to the rabble, they are simply following the herd.

Katgurl

I actually cannot believe the replies on this thread.

OP I really really feel for you. Yes your reaction was OTT but good Lord, anyone would be furious after worrying for four days about the welfare of their so-called boyfriend then seeing them out sleeping on a beach with a gang of girls.

Have you done any travelling yourself? The lifestyle can be all-consuming and home seems so far away. It's all so exciting, it can be easy to be swept up in it all. I remember being out swimming in the middle of the night with some guy and coming so close to kissing him in the water, I was overwhlemed with the being out in the ocean etc. And my boyfriend was not even all the way at home! I am thoroughly ashamed now for how I carried on btw.

Look it unfortunately was a bit of a gamble for you as a couple for him to go alone. The attention Western males there can go straight to their heads. Pathetic I know but there you are.

Did your ex say he cheated or did he say he was with someone else? I am just trying to get the timeline straight whether it was before or after you 'broke up' with him.

Refardless, I am sorry but I don't think you have any choice here except to move on. Could you actually forgive him for sleeping with someone else? I know I couldn't. Even if it was after you sent your enraged mail (and if you're prone to outbursts and then calming down surely he knows this after seven years) I would see it as him having wanted to break up anyway and seizing the opportunity.

Perhaps once he had done it he regretted it but felt there is no going back now and that is why he is taking an all-in approach to moving on. Or perhaps he really did enjoy his freedom and wants to keep it.

I'm so sorry. I know how much it hurts to have someone walk away from you especially at your age (I'm guessing early 20's?) but you will get over it and probably be relieved when you look back. It is hard to see now but a previous poster is right; if your relationship had been really good you wouldn't have assumed he had cheated. There are better things ahead for you.

wiggle16

You dumped him via email while he was on holiday after seven years together, accused him of cheating with absolutely no proof and then sent what sounds like a very casual email asking to move on like nothing ever happened? And this after being all lovey dovey a few days prior?

He then appears to have said "nuts to this" and went and slept with someone, since you'd accused him with zero proof anyway.

I dont think it sounds rash. It sounds like the actions of someone who has had enough of insecurity and trust issues and wants a fresh start.

I'm not blaming you for him sleeping with someone nor him deciding to move abroad. But the idea that all this came out of the blue doesn't make sense, because your behaviour doesn't sound like it was a one off, because of the way you followed up, asking to move on so flippantly. So I don't blame him for sticking to your terms, which were that the relationship is over and you never want to see him again.

Sorry OP but I think you got exactly what you bargained for when you sent that message.

lifeandtimes

Emme wrote: »

She lost it and dumped him which was a wrong move BUT he didn't put up any fight to save a relationship of 7 years. That indicates to me that it didn't mean all that much to him and he just stayed with her all those years out of convenience.

Excuse me did you read the post, she broke up with her boyfriend of 7 years through email based on her own paranoia and then told him not to contact her.

What was he supposed to do?

Emme wrote: »

She should not have been so hasty and broken it off but he put up no fight to save the relationship.

Im sorry but this is crap, why should he had to fight for someone who just broke up with him through email after accusing him of cheating without proof?

Why didnt she fight for them by contacting an apologising for going WAY over the top?

Emme wrote: »

I would not be surprised if he has cheated on her during the 7 years they were together nor would I be surprised if he cheated on her before she broke it off with him by email for not contacting her when he said he would.

you are now making an assumption based on your own imagination, op hasnt confirmed what happened but she accused of him of cheating with no evidence and then broke up, anything he did after he was entitled to, maybe he doesnt want to be with someone who can end a 7 year relantionship on a whim with no evidence what so ever other than their own paranoia and he has every right too

GreeBo

IITYWYBMAD wrote: »

Why would this matter? Is it semantics you are after? Surely at this stage, it's beside the point.

Well I thought it would be obvious but for this who missed the sublty.
If she dumped him before he was with anyone else, then he didnt cheat on here and she cannot be aggreieved about that.

IITYWYBMAD wrote: »

Completely agree with the above. OP, it sounds to me like you really dodged a bullet on this one. 7 years, and his head is turned the minute you are off the scene? As I said above, it really doesn't matter whether it was before or after you're argument that he played the field. He obviously knows you after 7 years, and knew that by carrying on like he did, he would provoke some reaction.

People will jump on a bandwagon all to easy to point out your minor failure in stalking him on FB, or reacting to a situation where he was shoving it in your face, but they are all natural and human reactions, ignore them.

Genuinely, if this is the type of respect he has for you after 7 years together, I would tell him to shove his "goodbyes" and f**k off to wherever he's going without delaying. It won't be easy, but you've dodged a bullet here. And don't listen to the rabble, they are simply following the herd.

Equally the ex dodged a bullet.
7 years in and her first reaction is to accuse him of cheating and dump him via email.
Respect is a two way street, they are both better off apart imo.
OP just move on and learn from this, about what to look for in a partner and also how you should treat them yourself.

Personally I wouldnt be interested in meeting up as I dont see any upside to it.

Katgurl

lifeandtimes wrote: »

Excuse me did you read the post, she broke up with her boyfriend of 7 years through email based on her own paranoia and then told him not to contact her.

What was he supposed to do?



Im sorry but this is crap, why should he had to fight for someone who just broke up with him through email after accusing him of cheating without proof?

Why didnt she fight for them by contacting an apologising for going WAY over the top?



you are now making an assumption based on your own imagination, op hasnt confirmed what happened but she accused of him of cheating with no evidence and then broke up, anything he did after he was entitled to, maybe he doesnt want to be with someone who can end a 7 year relantionship on a whim with no evidence what so ever other than their own paranoia and he has every right too

Well why had he not been in touch for four days after promising to contact her the very next day. Of course she was up the walls with stress! He was able to post onto Facebook, he was able to send her a WhatsApp message. Even if that message was gonna be "All is well here, I am having a great time. Talk in a few days."

She probably thought something bad had happened to him and then after relief had passed figured something else had happened which prompted radio silence. After seven years together she also knows him well and maybe him not being in touch was very very out of character.

There is no reason to assume it was purely paranoia. Perhaps it was instinct based on knowing him well? And did he not admit to cheating on her? So either he was with someone before she sent the email or he knew she was being rash and upset and he chose to go ahead anyway. Otherwise he would not have defined it as cheating.

It is kind of irrelevant anyway. The op is heartbroken and is trying to process her boyfriend sleeping with another woman and leaving her after things were all lovey dovey shortly before that.

Xterminator

Katgurl wrote: »

. The op is heartbroken and is trying to process her boyfriend sleeping with another woman and leaving her after things were all lovey dovey shortly before that.

The op is heartbroken and is trying to process breaking up with her boyfriend, and her ex-boyfriend sleeping with someone.

IMO OP broke up with him thinking he would beg her to take him back. IE she was bluffing and it backfired.

Katgurl

Xterminator wrote: »

The op is heartbroken and is trying to process breaking up with her boyfriend, and her ex-boyfriend sleeping with someone.

IMO OP broke up with him thinking he would beg her to take him back. IE she was bluffing and it backfired.

Yes she possibly was hoping for reassurance. Radio silence for four days is no small thing. She had good reason to be upset. She was worked up, she said things in the heat of the moment. Yes it was a mistake but it was an understandable one given the circumstances.

This trend of jumping on the OP for any kind of weakness or mistake and entirely dismissing what they want help with (she is trying to process the relationship seemingly ending so abruptly) is not helpful.

Big Bag of Chips

I had a long reply typed, but before I sent it I searched your past threads. This is not the first time you've posted about how bad your relationship is. Apparently you've been on a warning to stop being a bitch or he'd leave you. Also, this seems to be a repeat of a thread from last year. So my guess is you are still fighting over what happened last year when he was on holidays, still together, but still arguing.

It doesn't sound like a happy relationship. You don't sound like you are having fun in it. He doesn't sound like he even particularly likes you. Rather than posting here every few months about how bad your relationship is, why not just have the courage to finally walk away from it. Because from your posting history, I can't see this relationship ever improving. If he has left you, then let it go. There is nothing to be gained from trying convince him of anything.

Time to move on.

Ursus Horribilis

My thoughts?

After reading two other threads about your relationship, it's time to put it out of its misery.

https://touch.boards.ie/thread/2057416549

https://touch.boards.ie/thread/2057779522

If one of your friends was in a relationship as bad as this, you'd be telling her to leave. You're coming across here as one of those people who's so afraid of being single and the unknown that they will tolerate almost anything. But you are going to take him back and waste more years of your life with him, aren't you?

After reading those threads, it makes perfect sense that you flipped. Why wouldn't you seeing as he has given you no reason to feel secure or to trust him. He can be violent, he cheats on you, he's on Tinder and you're his whipping boy. What low standards you've set for yourself. You can do better than this. Let him go and work on yourself. You're worth more than this.

bottlebrush

So last year it was Vietnam, this year it was Thailand and if you get back together, next year it will be another exotic location where you won't be able to go because of your health issue - and will you be posting here again looking for the same advice?

He is not going to change - you're the only one that can change so today's the day to start taking responsibility for your own happiness.

Have you ever both gone together on a holiday together which you can enjoy and which works around your health issue?

you need to move on from this now. It seems to me he was moving on anyway but was too cowardly to end it himself. And you unwittingly did his dirty work for him. When you look back in years to come this has actually been a blessing in disguise. You should now start working on your self esteem and take control of your own life. Don't be so grateful to have a person in your life that you will tolerate bad behaviour. You are still young so get out there and start dating again.
Best of luck.

Lucy91

For those of you who have mentioned that I was the one who ended the relationship via email so he did not cheat that is 100% true...I know I reacted irrationally, immature and let my insecurity get the better of me....He was the one who described his actions as cheating to me on the phone...Maybe he feels guilty for getting with someone and maybe he knew I didn't really mean to end it over email....We were very much in love before he left....he said he couldn't imagine life without me....Yes we had our ups and downs but I know for certain he loved me! We were best friends and I was the first girl he ever slept with....I have apologised over and over for ending it on email and for overreacting and he knows I am heartbroken...He told me on the phone twice that he was done, that he cheated even though I know its not technically cheating, that he hated Ireland and wants to work over there (he is not Irish decent)...He told me he still cares about me, that he will call over to say his goodbyes to me and my folks even though he is not leaving Ireland till the end of Summer and we can still be friends if I wish...I am very confused..I don't know why he is insistent on calling over to say goodbye when he already told me twice on the fone that he is not taking me back and he knows I am heartbroken....Does he still possibly have feelings for me?

Ursus Horribilis

Lucy, you seem to be talking about a very different relationship to the one you've told us about before. You're making all sorts of excuses, blaming yourself and minimising his douchebag behaviour towards you. Why?

neonsofa

Op you have gone from being the only girl he has ever slept with to now knowing he has slept with someone else. If you were insecure and jealous before you really have no hope of feeling secure going forward.
That's me ignoring all the other issues going on and just focussing on the one thing that will make it unworkable on your side of things. It doesn't matter what his feelings are tbh because it's over.

Lucy91

Because I feel like I messed it all up and it everything would have been great if I trusted him....I also don't know what his motives are in coming over to say goodbyes when he already made it clear he was done....I now know for a fact that he did not cheat on me last year and in the whole 7 years this was the first time he got with someone

Lucy91

well I am also not sure if he actually slept with someone else or if he just kissed a girl on a night out...He said first that he just kissed a backpacker because he was pissed off with my email and then five mins later on the phone he said he slept with her

neonsofa

Lucy91 wrote: »

well I am also not sure if he actually slept with someone else or if he just kissed a girl on a night out...He said first that he just kissed a backpacker because he was pissed off with my email and then five mins later on the phone he said he slept with her

Completely missing the point tbh. He has been intimate with another girl. If he is saying he slept with her then that will always be in your mind. Even if he backtracked and said he didn't actually sleep with her you'd be wondering always.

anewme

He is emotionally and physically abusing you and gaslighting you into making you think you are irrational.

All this crap about calling over to say goodbye even though he’s not leaving till the end of the summer is just another way of creating drama and making you more needy and dependent.

Work on yourself and why you are accepting this behavior.

I would not beat around the bush here.

Don’t let him call next or near you or your family.

Tell him to f right off.

He’s a horrible future partner and the best thing that can happen to you is that he rides off into the sunset to SE Asia.

Bye bye good riddance.