Has there been a time you used your Irish wit and it got you in sh$t?

iamstop

Did your 'Irish humour' ever get you into trouble? 
Explain.

I'll post a few after I hear a few of yizzers.

Graces7

Looking forward to this thread developing

ted1

Ended up bringing home three American girls after a party, we were all covered on sand so had to shower together to get it off. They were members daughters at a private beach club I was working. (One of them has since become very famous ) boss found out and fired me, but the same wit got me rehired shortly after.

Birneybau

I was arrested when asked why I was walking through Compton. Seems 'For the craic' has different connotations yonder Stateside.

2cool4school

ted1 wrote: »

Ended up bringing home three American girls after a party, we were all covered on sand so had to shower together to get it off. They were members daughters at a private beach club I was working. (One of them has since become very famous ) boss found out and fired me, but the same wit got me rehired shortly after.

that's not wit.

rhymes with null wit though.

Tzardine

While trying a drunken attempt at chatting up an American she told me that she had a Harley Davidson. She was a stunner and not somebody you would expect to have a Harley.

I told her that she must have been beating guys off all the time.

Never saw such a look of disgust. Took me a while to figure out where it went wrong lol.

Franz Von Peppercorn

No so much wit but there’s the time a Cork colleague of mine got into trouble for asking a mutual colleague, who was black, to “come here,boy”. This was in the US.

Franz Von Peppercorn

2cool4school wrote: »

that's not wit.

rhymes with null wit though.

Might be a movie he watched and got confused.

lawred2

Tzardine wrote: »

While trying a drunken attempt at chatting up an American she told me that she had a Harley Davidson. She was a stunner and not somebody you would expect to have a Harley.

I told her that she must have been beating guys off all the time.

Never saw such a look of disgust. Took me a while to figure out where it went wrong lol.

Had a chuckle at that

diomed

Not an example of wit but true.
I worked with an accountant who went on a trip to the US head office.
He needed to change pencil numbers in the budget (before computers) and asked "Have you got a rubber?"

Tzardine

diomed wrote: »

Not an example of wit but true.
I worked with an accountant who went on a trip to the US head office.
He needed to change pencil numbers in the budget (before computers) and asked "Have you got a rubber?"

Yes you have to be careful. Don't ask to bum a fag either.

ted1

2cool4school wrote: »

ted1 wrote: »

Ended up bringing home three American girls after a party, we were all covered on sand so had to shower together to get it off. They were members daughters at a private beach club I was working. (One of them has since become very famous ) boss found out and fired me, but the same wit got me rehired shortly after.

that's not wit.

rhymes with null wit though.

completly true. , no reason to use null wit on an Internet. When posting with a name that isn’t my actual one.

Trigger Happy

When I lived in england there was this old west indian couple next door. They must have been well in to their 70s.
So they had this 50th wedding anniversary party and invited me around. It was a great night, loads of booze, story telling etc.

There were about 20 people left at the end of the night, I was the only white person there. We were telling jokes and when I was asked for one I chipped in with...

"What is the difference between a Jamacian man and an Irish man? - The Jamacian man takes the dishes out of the sink before he pisses in it".

There must have been a 10 second gap before the place erupted in laughter...but I thought I was in big trouble there.

lawred2

ted1 wrote: »

completly true. , no reason to use null wit on an Internet. When posting with a name that isn’t my actual one.

that's exactly when people on the internet tend to use null wit

lawred2

Trigger Happy wrote: »

When I lived in england there was this old west indian couple next door. They must have been well in to their 70s.
So they had this 50th wedding anniversary party and invited me around. It was a great night, loads of booze, story telling etc.

There were about 20 people left at the end of the night, I was the only white person there. We were telling jokes and when I was asked for one I chipped in with...

"What is the difference between a Jamacian man and an Irish man? - The Jamacian man takes the dishes out of the sink before he pisses in it".

There must have been a 10 second gap before the place erupted in laughter...but I thought I was in big trouble there.

HappyAsLarE

I’ve learned it is too soon for the Paddy Jackson jokes.

ted1

lawred2 wrote: »

ted1 wrote: »

completly true. , no reason to use null wit on an Internet. When posting with a name that isn’t my actual one.

that's exactly when people on the internet tend to use null wit

Can’t understand why. Nothing to gain. My story is 100% true. Happened in Newport, Rhode Island in 2000.

NickNickleby

Many years ago took my children to Orlando. There was a huge toy store there, can't remember the name but it was famous.
Anyway, we're strolling around when we come across a life-size Darth Vader model. There was a small console in front of it, and by pressing buttons you could make Darth say things. It may also have been able to do small movements like turn the head or whatever (by the way, there have been no attempted puns so far).

So, while we're standing there, this big American comes over with his small son. The son is really excited and starts pressing the buttons, and him and Dad get great craic out of it. But the kid REALLY wants it. So I turn to the Dad and say "Jayziz, don't do it, you'll be killed puttin' batteries in it".
He stared me down till eventually I shrugged and walked off.

He was probably one of the ignorant ****s we met at the Disney Parade, and I asked the ADULTS standing at the front to allow my small children to stand in front of them so they could get a glimpse - b$strds wouldn't even acknowledge. Obviously I had momentarily forgotten that we weren't at the Paddy's Day parade at home.

lawred2

ted1 wrote: »

Can’t understand why. Nothing to gain. My story is 100% true. Happened in Newport, Rhode Island in 2000.

I love Newport

Great spot

Franz Von Peppercorn

ted1 wrote: »

completly true. , no reason to use null wit on an Internet. When posting with a name that isn’t my actual one.

Fantasy, Ted. Also nothing to do with the thread.

cantdecide

Usually clarifying I'm not British gets me out of trouble.

ted1

Franz Von Peppercorn wrote: »

ted1 wrote: »

completly true. , no reason to use null wit on an Internet. When posting with a name that isn’t my actual one.

Fantasy, Ted. Also nothing to do with the thread.

There was a lot of wit needed to get them
Back

Neyite

ted1 wrote: »

Ended up bringing home three American girls after a party, we were all covered on sand so had to shower together to get it off. They were members daughters at a private beach club I was working. (One of them has since become very famous ) boss found out and fired me, but the same wit got me rehired shortly after.

Nothing worse than when dreams are just getting to the good bit and you wake up. Hate that.

Lorelli!

Was out with some friends before and we got talking to some Australian people.

Can't remember what the conversation was but one of the Irish lads was messing and said to one of the Australians, "at least we don't have the Union Jack in the top corner of our flag" and the Australian guy said "well...at least we don't have them on the top corner of our country!" The Irish fella laughed and said "can't argue with that" :pac:

ted1

Neyite wrote: »

ted1 wrote: »

Ended up bringing home three American girls after a party, we were all covered on sand so had to shower together to get it off. They were members daughters at a private beach club I was working. (One of them has since become very famous ) boss found out and fired me, but the same wit got me rehired shortly after.

Nothing worse than when dreams are just getting to the good bit and you wake up. Hate that.

Nothing worse than having such a boring life that you can’t believe that exciting things happens to other people

Franz Von Peppercorn

Another example of not so much wit, but the divide of a common language:

I was in an indie cinema in the US with two Americans, and I said I’d buy the food. They suggested we shared popcorn, so up I go and ask for the largest popcorn. Popcorn was all they really had, being indie.

“Family size?”, says the vendor quizzically.

“Sure, says I”. He proceeds to give me the largest size popcorn container I have ever seen. The bench was about waist height, and the popcorn container on the bench went up to my chin. I am 5’11. And the popcorn went higher.

Anyway he asks me, in American, if I am finished with my order. They generally put it like this:

“Is that all for you, sir?”, as in are you finished?

Which I heard as:

“Is that all for you, sir?!”

To which I replied:

“Jayuz no, Its not all for me. I am not a savage. Its me and those guys” - frantically pointing at my friends who then proceeded to fall about the place laughing.

Franz Von Peppercorn

Fantasy ted. Fantasy.

I think maybe it’s from Love Actually.

Mackerel and Avocado Sandwich

Franz Von Peppercorn wrote: »

Fantasy ted. Fantasy.

I think maybe it’s from Love Actually.

who the f**k is this Ted you keep referring to?

Franz Von Peppercorn

Mackerel and Avocado Sandwich wrote: »

who the f**k is this Ted you keep referring to?

Ted1. I feel that you maybe are not following the whole thread.

KathleenGrant

Lorelli! wrote: »

Was out with some friends before and we got talking to some Australian people.

Can't remember what the conversation was but one of the Irish lads was messing and said to one of the Australians, "at least we don't have the Union Jack in the top corner of our flag" and the Australian guy said "well...at least we don't have them on the top corner of our country!" The Irish fella laughed and said "can't argue with that" :pac:

That is brilliant...

alchemist33

One night on a beach, I told my French joke to an international group of backpackers:

Why does Paris have so many tree-lined streets?

So the German army can march in the shade.



It was quite dark that night so it was hard to tell who glared at me the most, the Germans or the French girl.

Grayson

alchemist33 wrote: »

One night on a beach, I told my French joke to an international group of backpackers:

Why does Paris have so many tree-lined streets?

So the German army can march in the shade.



It was quite dark that night so it was hard to tell who glared at me the most, the Germans or the French girl.

I said that to some germans and french and they laughed.
I also used my favorite german joke.

What's the first thing a German does when he's making breakfast?

Invade the kitchen.

SuperSean11

Franz Von Peppercorn wrote: »

Ted1. I feel that you maybe are not following the whole thread.

You’re missing important character development

Blitzkrieger

Franz Von Peppercorn wrote: »

No so much wit but there’s the time a Cork colleague of mine got into trouble for asking a mutual colleague, who was black, to “come here,boy”. This was in the US.

Once heard of a cork guy getting fired from a multinational for greeting a (black) US colleague on the third morning of a course with "How's it going, bai?" Same company is supposed to pride itself for diversity, but one culture misinterpreting another can get you fired if you offend your american overlords.....

Quick public service announcement for anyone thinking of visiting Cork - we say "like" and "bai" a lot.


....But back on topic. I won't go into the details because they're long and not that funny, but to this day the sister of a friend of mine hates me for an anecdote I told the first time we met. It a strange but true story about a couple of guys I worked with and I pretended to be in complete agreement with them. She was so shocked I kept (not exaggerating but) emphasising their story, with the punch line revealing that I actually had a different opinion. The trouble was she was so shocked by the detail of the story I don't think she really registered the punch line, so to this day still hates me. Maybe I should have concentrated more on the point I was trying to make and less on the lols.

*shrugs

I don't see her much anyway...

Riskymove

iamstop wrote: »

Did your 'Irish humour' ever get you into trouble? 
Explain.

I'll post a few after I hear a few of yizzers.

I think US security, especially at airports has been a particualr issue for irish wit

lawred2

alchemist33 wrote: »

One night on a beach, I told my French joke to an international group of backpackers:

Why does Paris have so many tree-lined streets?

So the German army can march in the shade.



It was quite dark that night so it was hard to tell who glared at me the most, the Germans or the French girl.

actual laugh out loud

lawred2

Grayson wrote: »

I said that to some germans and french and they laughed.
I also used my favorite german joke.

What's the first thing a German does when he's making breakfast?

Invade the kitchen.

and again

humberklog

After an away sunday pub cricket league match we all retired for lashings of beer in the host teams local boozer. Everyone was jolly and cracking jokes until I thought this was ok -
"What's blue and white and goes across the water at 320 miles an hour? - Lord Mountbatten's pumps!"

The pub was in Romsey (Mountbatten's home town). We were asked to leave. It was a long, quiet and awkward bus journey back to Southampton as my team weren't happy either- rightly so.

Managed to patch it up with my mates and team afterwards.

Carry

Grayson wrote: »

(...)
I also used my favorite german joke.

What's the first thing a German does when he's making breakfast?

Invade the kitchen.

Hahaha . I'll never be able to go into my kitchen for breakfast without a big smile now! Thanks!
(and I'm German)

ursa actos

The brother getting off the plane after a long (for a smoker anyway) flight to the US and saying "Jesus I'd murder a fag.." :O

Heavy water

I was on a summer working holiday in Atlantic City with my friend who is snow white. This black guy passes and throws a comment to her that she should get out in the sun more. "And end up like you, no thanks!" she snapped and the 2 of us Irish green horns legged it.

lawred2

Heavy water wrote: »

I was on a summer working holiday in Atlantic City with my friend who is snow white. This black guy passes and throws a comment to her that she should get out in the sun more. "And end up like you, no thanks!" she snapped and the 2 of us Irish green horns legged it.

More dodgy than witty to be fair

Heavy water

lawred2 wrote: »

More dodgy than witty to be fair

Interesting. I thought it was a justified response as he had commented on her whiteness. But deffo was risky hence the running off.

MarkY91

It wasn't an issue or anything but I found it kinda funny when my brother and I were hanging out with an American couple in Vegas in a party bus tour. We explained how we were so pissed all week. They were perplexed why we would be so angry all week in Vegas. I then realised what was going on and had to correct myself

seachto7

Some amount of thick paddy whacks on this thread. Embarrassing .

Donald Trump

Tzardine wrote: »

While trying a drunken attempt at chatting up an American she told me that she had a Harley Davidson. She was a stunner and not somebody you would expect to have a Harley.

I told her that she must have been beating guys off all the time.

Never saw such a look of disgust. Took me a while to figure out where it went wrong lol.

Who'd pay for the dry-cleaning afterwards?

Hammer89

My wit got me f*cked out of a strip club in Canada, even though it was a horrible misunderstanding I think.

Strippers go totally naked in Canada during lapdances, so I'm upstairs getting a dance and your one, with her bare vagina out, is bouncing up and down on my boner, which is still in my jeans obviously; that's not why I got thrown out. But as a joke, I say to her, 'Sorry but I think I just made you pregnant'. Obviously the joke here is that she made me ejaculate, which wasn't far off the truth, and with the position at which she was 'riding' me, I thought it'd be funny. You had to be there.

Anyways, she didn't see the funny side at all. She got off me, called over the bouncer. I'm thinking, 'What? What have I done?' He marches me downstairs and out of the building, despite my protestations. I'm livid outside, trying to lodge an appeal with the dooorman. "She hustled me, boss. I want my money back." At the time I'd genuinely no idea why she cut short the dance, so I'm a bit petty and wanted my $20 back. "Did you hear me?" Your man didn't take his eyes off his phone once. "F*ck ya's. You're a bunch of robbing c*nts!"

I walk back to the hostel, probably leaving a trail of precum behind me, but the next morning I formed a theory that I remain convinced by. I concluded that she probably only heard the word 'pregnant' and assumed I was either fat shaming her or asking if she was expecting, which I wasn't on both accounts obviously.

I guess the moral of the story is don't try to make a stripper laugh.

doolox

I remember the night me and a group of lads went into a pub in Montreal and encountered the sparsely dressed women who not only served drinks but "danced" if requested. We were sternly told by the bouncers not to touch the women who engaged in some lap dancing which a certain corporeal member found incredibly frustrating...

I noticed that the locals were completely oblivious to the female cleavage and other private parts on display while the tourists were obvious by their gapes and looks of lascivious astonishment. I found this more amusing than the female nudity on display.

Whereas I would have expected the Irish to be astonished and amused by this display I was surprised that the US people present in the bar were just as uptight and astonished by the frank display of nudity in most of the bars in Montreal. It is Quebec after all and French.

Vive la difference.

lawred2

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