Boyfriend's Dad

goinganon82

Hello.
Looking for a little advise on the following. I am in a relationship for a few years now and while things were a little rocky at the start, for the last year or so things have been going really good. There has been talk of buying a place together and starting our own family in recent months.

I found out last week I am pregnant and we are both over the moon.

That evening I received a virtual ‘wave’ on Facebook from his dad. I figured perhaps my bf told him about our news so I waved back to be friendly. The next message I received said “you are too sexy for me”. I was shocked and didn't reply.

A little background. His dad is 80 and left his wife about 15 years ago for another woman. That relationship ended and he now lives abroad. His relationship with his son would be to the extent they talk over the phone every other week perhaps. I have only ever met him twice in person. The last time was at a family party for his birthday late last year and he seemed like a respectable enough man (not the leery old man that this message would imply!).

As far as a I know his dad has no cognitive issues (eg forgetting who I am but besides my relationship with his son is public on FB).

The best course of action is most likely to say nothing to my bf. I do now want to ruin his relationship with his dad on what may be his last few years.

The thing is, his dad is moving home in a few months so we will undoubtedly be seeing a lot more of him...especially with a new baby in the mix.

I have received inappropriate messages from men before so I can ignore this one but just wanted to get peoples opinions. Am I overreacting?

I was starting to forget about it and trying not to stress and focus on the pregnancy but I just received another ‘thumbs up’ message from him.

leggo

Hmmm, messy. Probably the best course of action is to block him from messenger, you can stop him sending private messages that way without fully blocking him from Facebook. At least then if he was to do anything, he’d have to do it in public which is unlikely (unless he does have something like early onset Alzheimer’s which is causing this). Limit the way he can contact you and only ever see him in settings your partner is also present. It takes effort to have a one-on-one relationship with in-laws so the latter should be handy enough to manage. I’d personally understand if a partner did that and it all came out down the line, I’d be more angry at the Dad but get the partner’s reasoning for not saying.

The alternative is bringing it up in a relaxed, faux confused way with your boyfriend like “I don’t think your dad realises he’s sending this to me...” while laughing it off. It means you don’t have to keep anything from him, aren’t stirring the pot and give his dad an easy out while stopping the behaviour. It’s realy up to yourself how you go about it, you know your partner best. Sorry to hear about this though, you’ve done nothing and I’d imagine you’ve enough on your mind without this dumb ****e annoying you.

Whispered

Could someone else be sending from his account?

goinganon82

Whispered wrote: »

Could someone else be sending from his account?

It’s always possible I guess..I would love to think so!

goinganon82

Leggo, thanks for your advice. If I receive any more messages I certainly will be blocking I think.

heretothere

It might be digging the head in the sand but I wouldn't say a thing. It'll make it weird and awkward. I'd ignore any further messages. Of course if it ever escalated you'll have to address it but for now I'd avoid.
Huge congrats on the pregnancy hope it all goes well for you

Defunkd

Does fb have predictive text? I find it hard to envision an 80 year old writing that to a 30 something partner of his son. Could be an honest mistake.

If you get another, take him to task on it. Politely, of course.

Arrival

In your boyfriend's shoes, I'd absolutely want to be made aware of this because it's embarrassing and I'd need to confront my father for such pathetic behaviour and deal with it. I think it's unfair to keep it from him and allow yourself to be put in uncomfortable situations with him being oblivious to your position

I think it's a bad thing to not be able to be completely open and honest about everything, no matter how uncomfortable the truth may be, but then I'm honest to a fault

Mystery Egg

I would 100% tell my husband about this if my father in law behaved in this way. And I wouldn't be trying to smooth it over either.

Purple Mountain

How savvy is he on Facebook?
Could it be genuinely meant for someone else?
I have an image of an 80 year old getting flustered on how 'The Facebook' works but you know him better obviously.
Congratulations on your news!

Mr. Incognito

It could be

1. Genuine mistake
2. Alcohol induced
3. Creepy behaviour.

I'd ignore it but block him. If he is in his 80s I doubt he has long left anyway.

osarusan

I'd mention it, but in a light-hearted 'What is he at?!' way, and, as mentioned above, speculate that it was meant for somebody else, meant to say something else etc.

Let your boyfriend deal with his dad then, if it continues.

Mystery Egg

Whose feelings is everyone trying to protect here? And why?

TheBoyConor

He's 80.

Are you sure it's really him sending these messages? Using messenger and sending sexy messages is not really something people in their 80s do.

Could it be a grandchild messing with his phone perhaps?

goinganon82

I’ve no idea of his skill level with Facebook. I barely use it myself, only using messenger to communicate with family and friends.

He lives abroad at present and there are no family over there with him. He’s 80 but seemed very alert and able for his age when I met him at Christmas.
Apparently he is fond of a drink so it crossed my mind that may have been involved. I received the message around 6pm but it would have been about 8pm where he lives.
If it is a prank, I’ve no idea why or who would do it. I’m leaning towards saying nothing but if I receive any other messages, I will discuss with my bf.

ManOfMystery

There's a hundred potential reasons as to why you could have received this message.

The important thing here is if his father deliberately and intently did it. If it was a typo, if it was a prank by someone else, if it was sent in error to you instead of another party - etc - then he's somewhat absolved of blame.

If he did do it deliberately, I would fully expect it to happen again as lecherous men rarely behave like that on only one occasion. So my advice would be to keep the lines of communication open with him, obviously keeping it clean and civil and above board on your side, and see if anything similar happens a second time. If it does, I think you can assume then that he's misbehaving and have a word with your other half to make him aware. How he chooses to handle that info and deal with it is then his decision. It's too serious a thing to make a judgement based on a one-off incident which may or may not have been a mistake.

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This post has been deleted.

goinganon82

Thank you for all your replies. I guess I don’t really want to mention to my partner as I know how embarrassed he will be. He will no doubt be angry too, and I don’t want to cause any family fights if it was a genuine mistake. I’m making allowances for the mans age too. I received the message last week and nothing since apart from a ‘thumbs up’ so I’m hoping he messaged me in error.

wiggle16

Tough one.

I'd be inclined to tell but I also agree with you about his age.

I don't buy that it was meant for someone else or sent as a prank, but if you were to say something to your boyfriend, his da could likely pass it off as a mistake/joke since it is a one off, even if it wasn't, and then you come off looking like trouble.

If you do decide to tell him, do not feel guilty or be hesitant just because you don't want their relationship to go sour or to cause trouble - you are not at fault here. If it was intentional, then his da is willing to sacrifice his relationship with his own son for the sake of a dirty little thrill and your boyfriend deserves to know that.

I would leave it be for the moment, assume it was not meant for you, and try to forget about it, but if he messages you again then I would definitely tell your boyfriend - you'll be certain it's intentional. That's despicable behaviour, from his own da of all people.

Ghekko

goinganon82 wrote: »

Leggo, thanks for your advice. If I receive any more messages I certainly will be blocking I think.

I wouldn't be waiting for any more messages. Block him asap.

ConnyMcDavid

You got a thumbs up from him in the mean time but no apology.
He would have seen his sent messages when he was sober and writing again.

I'd say to your boyfriend in a joking manner that his father should change his password as someone has hacked his account, then show him the messages.

wiggle16

I re-read your post and did not realise he had sent the thumbs up when I first replied.

No, tell your boyfriend. He's re-read his own message and instead of explaining it he sent an emoji. The man knows what he's doing and it's beyond the beyond and your boyfriend deserves to know.

Being a dirty old man sending inappropriate messages to a younger woman is one thing. This is another thing entirely. I would definitely tell your boyfriend.

TheBoyConor

Op, lookit at the end of the day this is sexual harrassment. Plain and simple. They guy is a creepy old perv.

I’m making allowances for the mans age too.

And what about if he was sexually abusing children? Would you make an age allowance for that too?
If he is sending sexually explicit and harrassing messages then it's not beyond the realm of possibility that he is doing the same to younger people, even children also? Sending messages like this to under 17s would be considered grooming.

Tell your boyfriend that his creepy old man had better cop himself on.
Might be no harm for him to get a visit from a Garda aswell to tell him so too.

If you turn a blind eye to this and it were to later turn out that he was involved in other abusive things how would you feel knowing that you did nothing and that you reporting him for this could have saved some child?
If you ignore this you are falling into the same trap as so many before you, pretending that a dodgy person is not dodgy, they would never do that and abuse is not happening.

And so what if your boyfriend is embarrassed - he should be. You have done nothing wrong and are fully right to call him out on his bahaviour.
Furthermore, letting it go will only send the message to his dad that this is OK and he he can get away with it and who knows where that could escalate to, if it has not already been happening with years. Guys like this are usually lecherous pervs all their lives.

DaeryssaOne

TheBoyConor wrote: »

And what about if he was sexually abusing children? Would you make an age allowance for that too?
If he is sending sexually explicit and harrassing messages then it's not beyond the realm of possibility that he is doing the same to younger people, even children also? Sending messages like this to under 17s would be considered grooming.

For crying out loud talk about dramatically jumping the gun and getting hysterical. A dirty old man sent a grown woman, (yes an adult) an inappropriate message. Gross - yes, uncomfortable situation for the OP - absolutely, but you have swiftly suggested the man is a pedophile because of this. That is just completely ridiculous and an awful accusation to make.

OP I think you should probably mention it to your boyfriend, make it clear that you are uncomfortable even bringing it up and you're sure it was nothing really but you thought he should know.

TheBoyConor

Yes she is an adult but at the end of the day she is much much younger than him. There could be a 45 or even 55 year age difference for all we know.
What's to say he wouldn't extend his illicit messaging to someone 65 years younger.

kaymin

TheBoyConor wrote: »

Yes she is an adult but at the end of the day she is much much younger than him. There could be a 45 or even 55 year age difference for all we know.
What's to say he wouldn't extend his illicit messaging to someone 65 years younger.

You could say the same about anyone - yourself included.

The comment he made 'you are too sexy for me' could be seen as a crude compliment from a possibly bored old man. I shared a room in a hospital ward recently where an 81 year old was continuously trying on 'the charm' with the nurses using comments not far off though not as explicit. The nurses all took it in their stride though it's always a fine line these days. Personally, I would just leave it unless any more similar messages came through.

Appledreams15

People can be creeps.

My mother is 70. She has a best friend. Her best friends son, in 30s, recently facebook messaged her saying he always fancied her and she was really sexy, and when they got together they could not tell his mother.
She was really upset and I showed her how to block him.
Pricks.

Appledreams15

kaymin wrote: »

TheBoyConor wrote: »

Yes she is an adult but at the end of the day she is much much younger than him. There could be a 45 or even 55 year age difference for all we know.
What's to say he wouldn't extend his illicit messaging to someone 65 years younger.

You could say the same about anyone - yourself included.

The comment he made 'you are too sexy for me' could be seen as a crude compliment from a possibly bored old man. I shared a room in a hospital ward recently where an 81 year old was continuously trying on 'the charm' with the nurses using comments not far off though not as explicit. The nurses all took it in their stride though it's always a fine line these days. Personally, I would just leave it unless any more similar messages came through.

When I think of the amount of dodgy and crass comments I have had to suffer from men over the years, you would think why dont they cop the hell on. Its not nice OP.

B00056718

You do realise that Facebook sends virtual waves by itself. The reason I scrapped the whole thing.
I was getting them from my mom's friends. So being polite, I replied with the same.
At their end it looked as I initiated it as they vere oblivious the had sent me one.

This old man is probably trying to be a bit cool while saying you're too young for him, as he thinks you initiated the whole thing.

Amazingly were nearly at the stage where you will be advised to go to woodies and get a shovel, a rope and duct tape.

Get rid of Facebook. It's a time waste anyway. There's a life out there.

leggo

B00056718 wrote: »

You do realise that Facebook sends virtual waves by itself. The reason I scrapped the whole thing.
I was getting them from my mom's friends. So being polite, I replied with the same.
At their end it looked as I initiated it as they vere oblivious the had sent me one.

This old man is probably trying to be a bit cool while saying you're too young for him, as he thinks you initiated the whole thing.

Amazingly were nearly at the stage where you will be advised to go to woodies and get a shovel, a rope and duct tape.

Get rid of Facebook. It's a time waste anyway. There's a life out there.

This is a bit off the mark and sounds like you’re projecting your own bad experience onto the OP. What ‘it’ did it look like you initiated exactly? Maybe it is when you clarify, but I’m not sure your situation is comparable to the OP’s, therefore the conclusion you’ve drawn shouldn’t really be. There’s no reason she should get rid of Facebook because she got messages from a creepy old man.

goinganon82

B00056718 wrote: »

You do realise that Facebook sends virtual waves by itself. The reason I scrapped the whole thing.
I was getting them from my mom's friends. So being polite, I replied with the same.
At their end it looked as I initiated it as they vere oblivious the had sent me one.

This old man is probably trying to be a bit cool while saying you're too young for him, as he thinks you initiated the whole thing.

Amazingly were nearly at the stage where you will be advised to go to woodies and get a shovel, a rope and duct tape.

Get rid of Facebook. It's a time waste anyway. There's a life out there.

Actually I didn't realise Facebook sends these automatically and I think you may be wrong. I have never received one apart from off men who have tried to flirt with me in the past. My mom mentioned that she sometimes sends them to 'new friends' so I think it may be something that the older generation use also. If you read my post, I state I barely use Facebook apart from Messenger which I use to keep in contact with people (I use this over Whatsapp) so your comments were not very helpful. 
Regardless I received nothing further from the man and I never brought it up with my partner. If I ever receive anything again from him, I certainly will be discussing it. Thanks everyone for your input.