Girlfriend left me. Taking it really badly.

mada82

My girlfriend left me on Tuesday and I’m absolutely devestated. I know time is a healer but right now I feel numb and can’t imagine my life without her.
I text her begging to give me one more chance but she’s certain it’s over.
Really struggling badly.

Frowzy

mada82 wrote: »

My girlfriend left me on Tuesday and I’m absolutely devestated. I know time is a healer but right now I feel numb and can’t imagine my life without her.
I text her begging to give me one more chance but she’s certain it’s over.
Really struggling badly.

I’m so sorry to read this. It’s such a difficult time for you, especially if you didn’t see the split coming.

You are going to hurt for a while but it will get easier. Obviously she doesn’t love you and you deserve to be with someone that loves you as much as you love them.

Remember that there is someone out there who will adore and appreciate you and that you could never meet them if you stayed in this relationship.

I hope that you feel better soon!

Xterminator

Hi Op

sorry to hear about that. It really is akin to a death when you mourn the relationship, and miss it daily.

My advice to you is, be kind to yourself. if you need a little time to yourself take it; don't beat yourself up, thinking i should be stronger than this etc.

Reach out to your support network if possible, friends and family. let them know your feeling low.

Take some of the time you have on your hands and channel it. Was there a night course you wished you could do, or perhaps you were thinking you would like to get back to the gym. Another hobby? when you feel up to it, take the plunge and do something you have wanted to do!

Good luck.

mada82

Thanks for the replies. We split up on Tuesday while I was at work.
I have made arrangements for counselling.
Right now I just can’t see me recovering.

Bigbagofcans

mada82 wrote: »

Thanks for the replies. We split up on Tuesday while I was at work.
I have made arrangements for counselling.
Right now I just can’t see me recovering.

I promise you, you will recover. I have been where you are and have suffered that awful heartbreak. It took me a few months to get over it but I recovered. Time really is the best healer and keeping busy. Exercise, music, whatever hobbies, meet up with family & friends - get out there and keep yourself as busy as possible.

Ursus Horribilis

To be honest, I'm not sure what good counselling is going to do for you so early on. You're only split up for two days. That's no time at all. Counselling isn't going to take away the pain or give you any answers. That's something you're going to have to work through by yourself. I'm afraid the others are absolutely correct. Time is the healer.

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5

Have you anyone you can vent to? Sibling, close friend?

BetsyEllen

Sorry OP But the sad fact is that as others have said, time is the only healer.

I've been where you are now. It hit me badly, I ended up on anti depressants, got sick as I was so rundown through stress, lack of sleep, not eating etc.

Everyone told me time was a healer, I didn't believe them as the pain was so bad that I couldn't see it ever being over and that I would ever be back to 'normal'.

But guess what...I am back to normal.

You need to give yourself time to grieve. Forget the councillor for now, it's too early. You need to give yourself the next couple of weeks to feel upset as it is natural and you need to go through it. You need to cry and let it all out. You need to let it all sink in.

You will feel better eventually but it will take a little while. Just try not to let it consume you like I did - get up and go for a walk, talk to friends, accept invitations to go out even when all you want to do is put the covers over your head.

You will be OK, I promise.

Riesen_Meal

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

To be honest, I'm not sure what good counselling is going to do for you so early on. You're only split up for two days. That's no time at all. Counselling isn't going to take away the pain or give you any answers. That's something you're going to have to work through by yourself. I'm afraid the others are absolutely correct. Time is the healer.

I don't necessarily agree with this, I was going through an awful time of a break up myself and went to a councillor literally 3 day's after and I probably wouldn't have made it through to the other side without her...

I've not had any form of councilling since I was in my early teens and found it hugely beneficial to my well being......

If you are struggling to talk to anyone close than sometimes you may need someone who doesn't know you, it helped me anyway...

TheBoyConor

OP I think counselling for a breakup with a gf is a little over the top.

In my opinion I think that there is literally nothing you can do about it. Her decision is made and you need to respect that. Sure it feels really bad and depressing and everything but a the end of the day you just need to put on a brave face and suck it the f* up for a few weeks.

BetsyEllen

TheBoyConor wrote: »

OP I think counselling for a breakup with a gf is a little over the top.

In my opinion I think that there is literally nothing you can do about it. Her decision is made and you need to respect that. Sure it feels really bad and depressing and everything but a the end of the day you just need to put on a brave face and suck it the f* up for a few weeks.

I don't agree at all. Before I had my bad break up, I would have been of a similar opinion but then I got my heart broken by someone I really loved and realised it's not a case of 'putting on a brave face and sucking it the f* up for a few weeks'.
It can take months, even years for someone to fully recover from something like this.

Before my ex I'd never really loved anyone properly and couldn't understand why people found breakups so hard. And then it happened to me! I would never wish it on anyone, it's the worst thing I've ever been through.

mada82

I’m going to a counsellor because I’m having a lot of dark thoughts and I’m afraid I’ll act on them.

My heart is so badly broken.

Lucas Hood

Get out get active . Whether it’s just a walk or playing football with your mates . It’ll take your mind off it for a while at least.

Bigbagofcans

Frowzy wrote: »

Remember that there is someone out there who will adore and appreciate you and that you could never meet them if you stayed in this relationship.

Great advice! I've never thought of it in that way before. Such a positive outlook

mada82

I was in with the doctor there and she gave me a great pep talk along with something to help my sleeping. Feeling a tiny bit better.

BetsyEllen

mada82 wrote: »

I was in with the doctor there and she gave me a great pep talk along with something to help my sleeping. Feeling a tiny bit better.

Not sure if it would be your cup of tea but I found guided meditations great...there’s a very good app called Headspace that gives a free trial.
It’s very nice to do before bed (it’s only 10 minutes) and really helped me clear my head and sleep better.

mapaca

Heartbreak is a horrible feeling OP, good on you for speaking to the GP and arranging counselling for yourself. Better to be talking it through with someone sympathetic than to sit at home in despair.
I don't agree with the previous poster that said basically "suck it up". A break up can be like a bereavement, you need to give yourself time to grieve and come to terms with it. I hope you have plenty of friends and family around to support you, let them know you are feeling low. It's a hard road. Have a good cry when you need to, but be kind to yourself, buy yourself a treat, make plans for the summer so you have something to look forward to, and try to keep busy with work/hobbies/sport/friends. I know it feels like your world has collapsed, but it really, really hasn't. You can and will get through this. Keep posting here if it helps too. Best of luck.

mada82

Thanks for all the kind comments today. Just in bed now and hoping to get a good sleep.

I’ll keep posting here as it feels good to say it.

I have let all my family and close friends know how low I’ve been and they are all trying to help.

Haven’t wanted to cry since lunch time so maybe that’s s positive to take.

mada82

So today I’m feeling up and down. Feeling like there is life after her but also worried I’ll be lonely on my own every day.

I’ve wrote out a list of things I’d like to get off my chest in how I think she has treated me badly by up and leaving while I was at work.

Here is what I wrote.
Basically I’m starting to think she owed me more than how she has treated me. I took her and her child in and treated him like my son. I didn’t deserve to be dumped by text while at work with her gone by the time I got home. Yea I made mistakes but we agreed to counselling and she should have stuck around and waited to see would it work. Last week she asked me if I was going to marry her at any stage. We were trying for a baby since Christmas. Then she leaves. Yea I had warnings but when we agreed to counselling she should have waited until we had a few sessions. And I took out a 14 grand loan on a kitchen based on thinking we were building a life for the future.

Bigbagofcans

You sound like a decent person OP who deserves someone who will treat you with the kindness you deserve. She ended the relationship in a very selfish and callous way.

Again, keeping busy will help distract you and in time you will be over her. Do you have Meetup groups in your area? Brilliant way to get out there and meet people. There are so many lovely people out there.

mada82

So yesterday was mostly filled with anger. Anger that I’ve been left paying the loan off on my own now. Anger that I didn’t get that chance to do couples counselling like we agreed.

I know that this is good. It means I’m moving through the grief stages.

All week and even today I’m wracked with constant thoughts of guilt that I couldn’t be what she wanted me to be. Regret too.

She told me many times over the last few months that she couldn’t deal with me being moody anymore. I would sometimes get into moods on nights out when I felt left out. I shouldn’t have but I couldn’t stop it. I should have done more about it, went to see someone.

On the whole the relationship was great though. We got on really well, had a great laugh together. I’d always put her needs above my own as I just wanted her to be happy. That’s the way I am. I always put my other half ahead of me. But always happy to do it.

I just wish I could shake of this regret and guilt as its eating me up and constantly on my mind. I’m sure it will go in time.

When someone is telling you things need to change and also then talking about babies and marriage you just think things will be ok if you put the effort in.

She’s been very cold in our contact so far saying things like I ruined us and I destroyed us.

ellie1

She’s been very cold in our contact so far saying things like I ruined us and I destroyed us.[/quote]

Mada82, what u need to do is put yourself first and you need to cut all contact with her. She has left you for whatever reason, maybe she thought u were moody , maybe she changed her mind about counselling and/or a baby, maybe she didn't want to pay the loan!! She's blaming you on the break-up so not only are you grieving the break-up but also beating yourself up and running yourself down. CUT all contact, she's gone. It's time for you to look after you and build yourself esteem and confidence back up. Do not text her , reply to texts, phone her etc! She walked out and dumped you in a text message while you were in work. Today go join a gym, meet friends etc. Whatever you do is do not contact her. It will get easier in time but no healing can start if you are in contact with her.

Sephiroth_dude

TheBoyConor wrote: »

OP I think counselling for a breakup with a gf is a little over the top.

.

Not over the top if it helps him move on.

manonboard

mada82 wrote: »

She told me many times over the last few months that she couldn’t deal with me being moody anymore. I would sometimes get into moods on nights out when I felt left out. I shouldn’t have but I couldn’t stop it. I should have done more about it, went to see someone.

On the whole the relationship was great though. We got on really well, had a great laugh together. I’d always put her needs above my own as I just wanted her to be happy. That’s the way I am. I always put my other half ahead of me. But always happy to do it. .

Hello OP.
I'm very sorry to hear you've been going through such a rough time. These transitions are very hard. Very painful.. For a while.

Just for your own well being n future success. I wanted to highlight this stood out to me. When someone says they always put thier partners needs above their own. I hear 'I always put myself last. I didnt equally meet my needs'
It usually stems from low self esteem, n fear of rejection.
The reason why I wanted to mention it to you is because you also mention that you were in moods enough of the time that it put a wedge between you n your partner. Of course you are in Moods if you are putting yourself last. There is a kindness in helping others but not if it comes at the cost of self kindness. That is unloving towards yourself n that is the relationship that mainly defines your well being. If you cannot stay well in those ways.. You cannot be available to others in a relationship because your not available to yourself in terms of needs n requirements. It's often due to ignorance of our need requirements so it's sad we can't see it coming.

There is a great intimacy n connection available if both people are willing to identify thier needs n establish boundaries to maintain them. Not forfeiting thier needs out of people pleasing. In this intimacy it takes great courage to acknowledge that vulnerability, n to share it with your partner, n to guard it against thier needs overriding it. It's self respecting n by default teaches others how to respect us. That helps them learn to love us rather than resent us for failing to self care.

I hope its OK to point out that aspect. Breakups are great time for learning, with kindness about where are skills lack in terms out self care. If we are well, our relationships tend to follow.

This is going to be a tough time for you. As lame as it sounds. Practicing thinking nice thoughts about ourselves especially now helps counteract negative ones that appear more freely!

mada82

Thanks everyone for replying. I find posting here helps.

I already go to the gym everyday anyway but I have added a walk with a friend or alone every evening too.

I need to start being happy in my own company now. Need to get some hobbies and interests too. Apart from the gym I was pretty much just a boyfriend the last 10 years. Previous relationship was 7 years and the most recent one about a year and a half. Funnily enough the shorter one has hit me the hardest. It was a much better relationship though.

I won’t be contacting her from today onwards. Anything that could have been said has been.

Kuva

It'd just get nasty if you had anymore contact, seems to have been alot of work, this relationship, it shouldn't be so hard, plus she did a runner, well rid of you ask me.

Couple of weeks and I'll say you'll be delighted she's gone.

mada82

She was texting me today and mentioned I was looking well coming out of the gym. Then said she was having a bad day. Then stopped texting saying it wasn’t fair on me for her to text me.

Confused now.

Today has been a very good day otherwise. I’m feeling good.

I Am The Law

When people say **** like time heals all wounds and lots of fish in sea, it's because we have been where you are and we know it to be true because we have come out the other side and survived, hang in there man.

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5

mada82 wrote: »

She was texting me today and mentioned I was looking well coming out of the gym. Then said she was having a bad day. Then stopped texting saying it wasn’t fair on me for her to text me.

Confused now.

Today has been a very good day otherwise. I’m feeling good.

Can you block her or change your number?

blackwave

mada82 wrote: »

She was texting me today and mentioned I was looking well coming out of the gym. Then said she was having a bad day. Then stopped texting saying it wasn’t fair on me for her to text me.

Confused now.

Today has been a very good day otherwise. I’m feeling good.

She's a headwrecker and stringing you along. She doesn't know what she wants judging by texts. You are should cut all contact with her now for your own sanity.

It's good that you are going to the gym already as exercise is great for the head. Also maybe try take up a few new hobbies as well to fill the extra time and maybe use meet up, to try a few other new things to do.

mada82

Yea I think deep down those texts today gave me hope of reunion. It’s stupid I know. I should be solely focused on moving on.

Kuva

mada82 wrote: »

She was texting me today and mentioned I was looking well coming out of the gym. Then said she was having a bad day. Then stopped texting saying it wasn’t fair on me for her to text me.

Confused now.

Today has been a very good day otherwise. I’m feeling good.

Aww, poor her. Change of mind until the next time is it??

Block options available on everything, use them.

Ursus Horribilis

mada82 wrote: »

Yea I think deep down those texts today gave me hope of reunion. It’s stupid I know. I should be solely focused on moving on.

Of course they will have. You're still in a very fragile place and would probably take her back in the morning. Is it the right thing to do though? That's the decision for you to make.

Those texts smack of buyer's remorse to me and really need to be taken with large pinches of salt. Let's not forget that she thought so little of you, she dumped you by text and moved out while you were at work. Oh and stuck you with a big loan to pay back. I don't suppose she has offered at any stage to help you out with that? It also sounds like the relationship was unbalanced, what with those comments about you putting her needs above your own. It's almost as if you were in thrall to her and maybe too dependent on her?

After what you've told us, I've changed my mind on the counselling. Go talk to someone and while you're there, bring up these texts and your confusion over it. Don't go making any hasty decisions .

fAzI

mada82 wrote: »

Yea I think deep down those texts today gave me hope of reunion. It’s stupid I know. I should be solely focused on moving on.

Now It's the right time to focus on yourself!
She is not worth your love and you should go on!

It is really bad begging anyone for love. You deserve better woman.

Cheer m8

mada82

Hey all. So we continued to text yesterday and this morning and of course I got sucked back in thinking I could persuade her to give it another go. I was given a firm no. Told me she still loved me but she has to do what’s right for her.

I said I can’t text anymore as it’s not helping my recovery and we left it at that. If she texts again hopefully I am strong enough to not reply and just accept she’s trying to make herself feel better about how she handled the breakup.

I did things wrong, I got in moods and we had arguments. I was wrong a lot of the time but I was very good to her over all. I opened up to my family about some of the things that annoyed me during the relationship and they agreed that it would annoy them too and maybe she wasn’t as perfect as I think.

Looking forward to counselling to start. It will help me move on from the guilt and regret of this and work on a few things I could get better at too.

fAzI

mada82 wrote: »

Hey all. So we continued to text yesterday and this morning and of course I got sucked back in thinking I could persuade her to give it another go. I was given a firm no. Told me she still loved me but she has to do what’s right for her.

I said I can’t text anymore as it’s not helping my recovery and we left it at that. If she texts again hopefully I am strong enough to not reply and just accept she’s trying to make herself feel better about how she handled the breakup.

I did things wrong, I got in moods and we had arguments. I was wrong a lot of the time but I was very good to her over all. I opened up to my family about some of the things that annoyed me during the relationship and they agreed that it would annoy them too and maybe she wasn’t as perfect as I think.

Looking forward to counselling to start. It will help me move on from the guilt and regret of this and work on a few things I could get better at too.

You deserve better woman!

Ursus Horribilis

It's time to block her number. But you don't want to do that, do you?

mada82

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

It's time to block her number. But you don't want to do that, do you?

Blocked on Facebook and numbers deleted.

Sephiroth_dude

mada82 wrote: »

Hey all. So we continued to text yesterday and this morning and of course I got sucked back in thinking I could persuade her to give it another go. I was given a firm no. Told me she still loved me but she has to do what’s right for her.

I said I can’t text anymore as it’s not helping my recovery and we left it at that. If she texts again hopefully I am strong enough to not reply and just accept she’s trying to make herself feel better about how she handled the breakup.

I did things wrong, I got in moods and we had arguments. I was wrong a lot of the time but I was very good to her over all. I opened up to my family about some of the things that annoyed me during the relationship and they agreed that it would annoy them too and maybe she wasn’t as perfect as I think.

Looking forward to counselling to start. It will help me move on from the guilt and regret of this and work on a few things I could get better at too.

Don't give her the opportunity to text you again, block her everywhere, she'll only end up wrecking your head again and giving you false hope.

Arrival

mada82 wrote: »

Blocked on Facebook and numbers deleted.

Block her number too

mada82

Thanks all. Feeling a bit better today. Still have a lot of regret popping into my head though and not sleeping well.

It’s all about adjusting to living on my own, finding a new routine so I’m not bored or lonely.

I’m going to go to two yoga classes during the week evenings to keep busy and might try find something else to do too.

Problem is after all this I’d still take her back if she asked now. I have to work on changing that.

cailin.

mada82 wrote: »

Problem is after all this I’d still take her back if she asked now. I have to work on changing that.

Hi OP,

Had a read through your thread.

In some ways you come across as self aware, and are obviously very attuned to the hurt you're experiencing since the break up.

The above statement that I highlighted is a problem. For every day that you move forward, you're moving two days back again because you still haven't decided that this person is not good enough for you.

I think this is a real opportunity for you to focus on some self-growth. It's concerning to me that you said that you have been in relationships for 10 years. I would really recommend some time to develop positive routines and habits that benefit YOU. It's great joining the clubs and doing yoga but to be honest it comes across as an extreme attempt to be "busy" so you don't have to process the emotions that you are feeling. It might work on a superficial level, but deep down you are going to take this girl back at the first opportunity.

You should really want and expect more for yourself at this stage. If she walked away from you once in the circumstances above what's to say she won't do it again?

The real breakup recovery won't begin until you cut contact.

Iseedeadpixels

Only seeing this now, you mention you made a mistake that required couples counselling, was it this that made her break up with you?

On another note breaking up with you while you're in work....wow

mada82

We had a good few arguments. And I got into moods and shut down on a good few nights out.
If we were out with her friends and family I would sometimes feel left out. She was a group pleaser and it felt like my opinion was irrelevant in these situations. There wasn’t always rows in these situations either. It probably happened mostly when the most drink was had.


Most of the time it was probably my fault for not handling the situation better but sometimes she did inappropriate things that I dwelled on.

Basically if she was doing things that I wouldn’t do to her it annoyed me.

I’m fully aware this is something I need to work on going forward. I always took responsibility and apologised but I guess the well ran dry.

Looking back she rarely took responsibility for things she may have done.

My friends and family say they have never seen any of the above traits in me so I’m not sure why it happened.

On the whole the relationship was good though. Day to day we got on really well, had a great craic together. I pretty much let her decide everything we did.

.......

This post has been deleted.

mada82

If something annoys me or I’ve something on my mind I need to say it. She reacted very badly to any criticism or anything like that and got really defensive. So I guess we weren’t any good at disagreeing.

mada82

Awake since 3am this morning but still got up for gym at 6.30.

I got sleeping tablets from the doc but not sure if they are a good idea or not.

The sleepless nights are a killer. If I was getting a full nights sleep I think it would help a lot.

I’ve wrote down a list of all her bad habits for me to look at when I’m feeling sad. Hopefully it will help give me some perspective.

I bought the feeling good handbook too so I’ll give that I read too when it comes.

amdublin

I'd follow your doctor here. They were given for a reason. Even just take one tonight to get a good nights sleep. Get into bed at 9pm, take the tablet, you'll be out until your alarm rings

amdublin

Ps. I think you are doing great and doing all the right things. Good luck at the counselling.

I know it's hard to believe but you WILL come out the other side of this

doylerkelly

Have you ever heard the impression 'If you have to beg someone to be in your life, they don't belong there'. Unfortunately she no longer wants to be in this relationship, it wouldn't be fair on either of you if she just stayed cos you begged her.

You are feeling lousy now but these feelings wont last forever. the best way to get over her is to delete her number and remove her from any social networking sites, get out with your friends and try to keep yourself busy. I know it's easier said than done but be strong and positive and take care of yourself.

mada82

Good news folks. Think I’m finally starting to accept it. Slowly but surely since Saturday I’ve been feeling better about things.

I can now see a life without her in it.
It’s all about adjusting now and being happy with my own company.