Have I been ghosted?

dog tired

I have been seeing someone since last summer. Things were going well until about three weeks ago. Contact has dried up and is minimal, whereas I used to get daily messages from them which I thought was too much at first but eventually messages slowed down to every second day. I haven't received a message all week except when I initiated the messaging. I haven't seen them in three weeks and I have been getting excuses when trying to organise something. They could be genuine excuses but I don't know. I sent a message earlier today seeing if they wanted to go out tonight and I didn't get a yes or no answer, they don't know and they'll let me know later. With messaging drying up, excuses given for three weeks, somehow, I think I've got tonight free. Is this it between us or is it a hint that I should take?

Bambi985

I’d say send an honest text asking what’s up so you can get a straight answer. Something like “hi. I’ve been feeling like you’re avoiding me and/or are less interested these last few weeks. Is everything ok or are you just not into it anymore?”

anewme

From my experience, the ones who are too full on at first usually fade away to nothing.

I had a guy who behaved exactly like this. I did not chase him even for an explanation as to be honest I had felt smothered initially as he was too needy for me.

He turned up about 6 months later looking to just take up where we left off.

This type of person not good when confronted, so you might be Left waiting if you are expecting "closure."

dog tired

anewme wrote: »

From my experience, the ones who are too full on at first usually fade away to nothing.

I had a guy who behaved exactly like this. I did not chase him even for an explanation as to be honest I had felt smothered initially as he was too needy for me.

He turned up about 6 months later looking to just take up where we left off.

This type of person not good when confronted, so you might be Left waiting if you are expecting "closure."

They know they have less time these days because that's what they said in their reply today about seeing them tonight. So is that my real answer? They don't know if they can see me tonight, they'll let me know later on and they know they have less time lately. It's just everything adding up that I don't know if I've been getting the cold shoulder.

dog tired

Bambi985 wrote: »

I’d say send an honest text asking what’s up so you can get a straight answer. Something like “hi. I’ve been feeling like you’re avoiding me and/or are less interested these last few weeks. Is everything ok or are you just not into it anymore?”

I don't think I'll get a straight answer if I'm getting excuses.

rainbowtrout

dog tired wrote: »

They know they have less time these days because that's what they said in their reply today about seeing them tonight. So is that my real answer? They don't know if they can see me tonight, they'll let me know later on and they know they have less time lately. It's just everything adding up that I don't know if I've been getting the cold shoulder.

Yes they do know if they can see you tonight. They either have plans or they don't. If there was something specific like 'my sister asked me earlier in the week to babysit this evening and I'm waiting to hear back what time' you'd have been told. Particularly if you have being seeing this person since last year, so maybe at least 6 months?

Also even if they have less time because of work commitment etc, everyone has at least 5 minutes in their day to send a text. And if they were interested they would make a point of making time to see you in what time they had available. Or they would have told you what was going on in their life that changed their circumstances.

I'd ask what is going on, get a straight answer if you can, and after that cut my losses.

dog tired

rainbowtrout wrote: »

Yes they do know if they can see you tonight. They either have plans or they don't. If there was something specific like 'my sister asked me earlier in the week to babysit this evening and I'm waiting to hear back what time' you'd have been told. Particularly if you have being seeing this person since last year, so maybe at least 6 months?

Also even if they have less time because of work commitment etc, everyone has at least 5 minutes in their day to send a text. And if they were interested they would make a point of making time to see you in what time they had available. Or they would have told you what was going on in their life that changed their circumstances.

I'd ask what is going on, get a straight answer if you can, and after that cut my losses.

It's up to them to let me know about tonight, but it's late in the evening and nothing has been organised yet and they would have to get a bus, so they would have some idea by now. But, I knew that nothing would come from it. It's up to them now. But don't want to sit and wait. Have decided to give it a week before removing them from facebook and blocking number. Even if I was to hear something during the week, not sure if I can continue after all this.

rainbowtrout

dog tired wrote: »

It's up to them to let me know about tonight, but it's late in the evening and nothing has been organised yet and they would have to get a bus, so they would have some idea by now. But, I knew that nothing would come from it. It's up to them now. But don't want to sit and wait. Have decided to give it a week before removing them from facebook and blocking number. Even if I was to hear something during the week, not sure if I can continue after all this.

If you're not their Plan A, don't wait around to be their Plan B. If you got a text at 9pm tonight saying they were available to meet up for a drink, would you accept? Because they would only be asking as their other plans had fallen through/had nothing better to do. As you said, you would have heard by now if they were going to meet you, they don't have much respect for you if they can't give you a straight answer.

I'd say don't even bother waiting the week to get rid, just block them tonight.

justfillmein

dog tired wrote: »

I don't think I'll get a straight answer if I'm getting excuses.

in that case, if you've asked, and you don't get straight answers, then it's time to walk away

alibab

To be honest here the other person is showing you zero respect and you are there plan B . As others have pointed out relationships that start intense etc and move quickly are usually a warning sign of things to come . The other persons behavior is very selfish .

If I was you I would call it now . Send a text saying that you feel relationship has run it’s course and that you deserve to be with someone you has the time to give you etc . It shouldn’t be this hard . Take back the control and show them you are strong by making the decision to be the one to move on.

dog tired

Think I've got my answer. They've been on WhatsApp a few minutes ago and an hour ago and regularly logs in because I see the last time they've been on. So no messages after being quite full on at first, probably won't even get a reply about tonight even though they said they'll know more later. Well I'm going to stop messaging. It's not up to me anymore. Somehow, I don't think I'll hear from them again. It's a real ****ty way to find things out with behaviour like this.

dog tired

I felt I was being ghosted, I really sent him a message asking for a meet up knowing nothing would come from it. Guess this is my answer.

Ursus Horribilis

Have you been conducting all of this over texting? Whatever happened to phone calls?

Dtp1979

You keep referring to them And they. Is there more than 1?

rainbowtrout

dog tired wrote: »

I felt I was being ghosted, I really sent him a message asking for a meet up knowing nothing would come from it. Guess this is my answer.

I just read back over your OP. You've been seeing this person since last summer, so maybe 9-10 months? That's an awful way to be treated after that long. Also, I would expect that after that length of time that you would feature more in their life, that if things had gotten busy for them with work, or college etc, that you would be aware of it, because you would be involved.

Dunno how you feel about it OP, but perhaps to take back control of the situation for yourself, it might be worth sending a text to end it officially. It's not very nice what they have done to you after that length of time, but that also needs to be said. Leaving it hanging could result in this idiot texting you in a few weeks time when they are looking for a booty call. You don't want to end up in that position, waiting for scraps to be thrown to you, in the hope that things will go back to the way they were at the start.

Dial Hard

Dtp1979 wrote:

You keep referring to them And they. Is there more than 1?

Oh FFS. It's an accepted way to refer to a third party without specifying their (see?) gender.

Which the OP ended up doing anyway so I have no idea what point you were trying to make.

Purple Mountain

Don't be a doormat for someone.
X

dog tired

I didn't hear anything back on Saturday which is no surprise. I'm not chasing him. But how many more days should I give and I'm officially ghosted?

rainbowtrout

dog tired wrote: »

I didn't hear anything back on Saturday which is no surprise. I'm not chasing him. But how many more days should I give and I'm officially ghosted?

You should give none. The fact that you’re still posting updates here and wondering how many days should you give him means you’re waiting for him to miraculously come back to say it’s all ok and there’s been some sort of mistake. There hasn’t, he’s treated your very poorly and you’re still waiting for him. It’s over, time to move on

justfillmein

do you not feel you should take the reins here and call it a day yourself??

three weeks of giving you the cold shoulder is kinda a clear sign.
enough is enough. rather than wait for him to see where HE takes it, why don't you decide for yourself that you are better off leaving him to it now.
think about it, you will feel better in yourself if you take that step, rather than keep waiting around for maybe/if he might message you.

if you do decide to leave things now, it would be easier(for you) if you block him from all the contacts you have with him. you're only making things worse on yourself checking up to see when he is online. it's never a good idea. clean cut is much easier.
good luck with it:)

alibab

dog tired wrote: »

I didn't hear anything back on Saturday which is no surprise. I'm not chasing him. But how many more days should I give and I'm officially ghosted?

No more days . Take back the control here . Send of a quick text saying that it’s obviously not working out and than you have more respect for yourself than to hang around waiting for him etc . Then block and move on . You will feel better for this rather than hanging around and waiting for crumbs . He is just to coward to do it himself.

dog tired

alibab wrote: »

No more days . Take back the control here . Send of a quick text saying that it’s obviously not working out and than you have more respect for yourself than to hang around waiting for him etc . Then block and move on . You will feel better for this rather than hanging around and waiting for crumbs . He is just to coward to do it himself.

I know he is. Him telling me he has little time lately was just another hint.

dog tired

I wouldn't even lower myself by texting.

Ursus Horribilis

It's all very "at arm's length" isn't it? All texts and no apparent phone calls. Maybe that was a bad sign in itself.

Look, I can understand why you're slow to accept this. When you like someone you'll try to justify their silence and come up with all sorts of excuses. Unfortunately, this is over. If this guy was genuinely interested in continuing the relationship he'd not be ignoring your texts. Nor would he let all this time pass without meeting you or talking to you. Put it this way - if the shoe was on the other foot would you be ignoring the person you really liked?

After all this time, I'd be very wary of any contact he might make. Whatever is going on in his head at the moment, it's clear he has cooled on you. Never make a priority of someone who sees you as an option.

woodchuck

dog tired wrote: »

I wouldn't even lower myself by texting.

Do it for your own sake, not for his. Otherwise you'll be guaranteed to get a text from him sooner or later looking for a bootie call.

Take back control. Draw a line under it now so that you can move on.

georgina toadbum

You'll probably hear from him again in a few weeks with some BS excuse about something traumatic that happened. If I were you I'd delete and block his number now and try your best to move on.

Labcoats and Running Shoes

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

It's all very "at arm's length" isn't it? All texts and no apparent phone calls. Maybe that was a bad sign in itself.

I just wanted to address this point - the lack of phone calls doesn't necessarily mean the end of a relationship, or that a relationship won't progress. I absolutely abhor talking on the phone. I find it to be incredibly awkward and it fills me with anxiety. I would rather have to send a million e-mails than spend 10 mins on the phone. I'm currently in a long(ish) distance relationship - Belfast to Dublin. We text a good bit, send photos and videos through Snapchat, and see each other pretty much every weekend. I don't think we've ever talked on the phone (she doesn't like phone conversations either) and our relationship is still progressing quite well. So it's not necessarily a bad thing.

I will say though, for the OP, the fact that he's ignored messages yet spends a good deal of time online responding to other people means he's probably using you as a backup which isn't fair on you! It sounds like you got your answer with his "I'll let you know later" and then ignoring you. I would probably send one final text saying that you're obviously looking for different things and you wish him well in life and then block him on all social media/whatsapp/etc. it'll stop the temptation to see what he's up to and also stop you getting dragged in to any potential back and forth about whatever pretend excuse he's made up as to why he couldn't meet you over the weekend. Take care of yourself OP!

dog tired

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

It's all very "at arm's length" isn't it? All texts and no apparent phone calls. Maybe that was a bad sign in itself.

Look, I can understand why you're slow to accept this. When you like someone you'll try to justify their silence and come up with all sorts of excuses. Unfortunately, this is over. If this guy was genuinely interested in continuing the relationship he'd not be ignoring your texts. Nor would he let all this time pass without meeting you or talking to you. Put it this way - if the shoe was on the other foot would you be ignoring the person you really liked?

After all this time, I'd be very wary of any contact he might make. Whatever is going on in his head at the moment, it's clear he has cooled on you. Never make a priority of someone who sees you as an option.

I'm very much not hanging on. I would block and delete right now except I don't want him to say that I overreacted to whatever bull**** excuse he gives. Give it until the weekend and it's well and truly over. As for taking control and letting him know, I don't want him to think I care about him. I give zero ****s.

rainbowtrout

dog tired wrote: »

I'm very much not hanging on. I would block and delete right now except I don't want him to say that I overreacted to whatever bull**** excuse he gives. Give it until the weekend and it's well and truly over. As for taking control and letting him know, I don't want him to think I care about him. I give zero ****s.

These two sentences are contradictory. If you don't care about him you wouldn't care what he says, and to be honest, he's not saying anything about you to anyone, he's not even contacting you unless you contact him. Why would you care about what he says or thinks when he doesn't care about you and didn't have the balls to just tell you he wasn't interested anymore? This isn't someone you met for 3 or 4 dates, this is someone you were seeing since last summer.

You wouldn't be overreacting, you would be calling a spade a spade. You'd be calling him out on his bullshit. That's not overreacting, that's having some self respect.

It's Monday now. What exactly do you think is going to happen between now and the weekend coming that will change things? Because he's not going to contact you whatever you think. He won't even notice that you've blocked him because he's not interested in contacting you.

dog tired

rainbowtrout wrote: »

These two sentences are contradictory. If you don't care about him you wouldn't care what he says, and to be honest, he's not saying anything about you to anyone, he's not even contacting you unless you contact him. Why would you care about what he says or thinks when he doesn't care about you and didn't have the balls to just tell you he wasn't interested anymore? This isn't someone you met for 3 or 4 dates, this is someone you were seeing since last summer.

You wouldn't be overreacting, you would be calling a spade a spade. You'd be calling him out on his bullshit. That's not overreacting, that's having some self respect.

It's Monday now. What exactly do you think is going to happen between now and the weekend coming that will change things? Because he's not going to contact you whatever you think. He won't even notice that you've blocked him because he's not interested in contacting you.

You're absolutely right. Thanks.

LegacyUser

I don't know what age you are OP and it's none of my business but I'm guessing you're young because it sounds like you haven't fully mastered the art of self love and wedding out people who don't respect you 100%.
I amin my 30s now but I can remember going through something similar when I was 20.
I allowed this to go on for nine months more fool me.
I was in my first job and quite independent enjoying earning my own money.
I met a guy only a few months my junior who was still in college.
He was the one who initiated going out with me after meeting on a night out.
It was totally imbalanced from day 1.
I had a very tight circle of family who I used socialise with every weekend. He was welcomed into the bosom of that. We always invited and collected him (he wasn't driving). He'd rarely often to buy me or my circle a drink but I ignored this as he was a student.
So many times when he was going out with friends I would be invited despite knowing them casually.
So many times I'd be left hanging on a Saturday evening waiting for him to confirm our plans.
So many times I was stung and hurt when he went off and made plans without me and I was left at home.
If we were on a night out, he'd be off at a table with his friends but I wouldn't be encouraged to come over.
However, he never declined a lift home if I was driving and he certainly didn't ever decline sex.
It was all in his terms but I realise now that we were just on two very different pages.
He was 20 and looking for non commitment, fair enough. I was 20 but very mature and hanging around with couples so happy to have a relationship.
It was humiliating and so self deflating.
In the end I lost my cool one night we were in the club. He was there with his friends and I hadn't even known if he was going to be there.
He made some stupid comment when he saw me asking how I was. I retorted that I was enjoying being single. That was that done.
We did speak maybe the next day where he admitted he wanted to be free and single for a few years.
I just wished I'd had more self love to end it months before because I have no doubt that to my friends and his I looked like a fool.
I'm sorry to say OP, bite the bullet and tell him you've had enough, don't contact you again.
You deserve much better.
You're worth much more.

Purple Mountain

I don't know what age you are OP and it's none of my business but I'm guessing you're young because it sounds like you haven't fully mastered the art of self love and weeding out people who don't appreciate you 100%.
I amin my 30s now but I can remember going through something similar when I was 20.
I allowed this to go on for ten months more fool me.
I was in my first job and quite independent enjoying earning my own money.
I met a guy only a few months my junior who was still in college. So straight off in theory I was probably more mature.
He was the one who initiated going out with me after meeting on a night out.
It was totally imbalanced from day 1.
I had a very tight circle of friends who I used socialise with every weekend. He was welcomed into the bosom of that. We always invited and collected him (he wasn't driving).
So many times when he was going out with friends I wouldn't be invited despite knowing them casually.
So many times I'd be left hanging on a Saturday evening waiting for him to confirm our plans.
So many times I was stung and hurt when he went off and made plans without me and I was left at home.
If we were on a night out, he'd be off at a table with his friends but I wouldn't be encouraged to come over.
However, he never declined a lift home if I was driving and he certainly didn't ever decline sex.
It was all in his terms but I realise now that we were just on two very different pages.
He was 20 and looking for non commitment, fair enough. I was 20 but very mature and hanging around with couples so happy to have a relationship.
It was humiliating and so self deflating.
In the end I lost my cool one night we were in the club. He was there with his friends and I hadn't even known if he was going to be there.
He made some stupid comment when he saw me asking how I was. I retorted that I was enjoying being single. That was that done.
We did speak maybe the next day where he admitted he wanted to be free and single for a few years.
I just wished I'd had more self love to end it months before because I have no doubt that to my friends and his I looked like a fool.
I'm sorry to say OP, bite the bullet and tell him you've had enough, don't contact you again.
You deserve much better.
You're worth much more.

Danny Donut

I know I should be directing advice to the OP, but we've all done it Purple M.

Good post

Purple Mountain

Danny Donut wrote: »

I know I should be directing advice to the OP, but we've all done it Purple M.

Good post

With age comes wisdom.
Hopefully this lady will find it too.
Goodluck to her.

dog tired

I can stop wondering now. I sent him a message saying things have gone quiet. He's busy with work and with family, it's nothing personal, so that was my answer. At the same time he was logged into a dating site... Small loss he is anyway. And he's very much not in his twenties.

anewme

Op enough already: you need to stop now with the texting and move on.

You should not have contacted him again after he never bothered responding about Saturday.

Dont entertain this person any longer.

You are only compromising yourself and your own self esteem.

He’s not worth that OP.

Stop settling for less than you deserve.

dog tired

anewme wrote: »

Op enough already: you need to stop now with the texting and move on.

You should not have contacted him again after he never bothered responding about Saturday.

Dont entertain this person any longer.

You are only compromising yourself and your own self esteem.

He’s not worth that OP.

Stop settling for less than you deserve.

There was some advice here saying to send a message, so thought it would do no harm. At least I would know for sure. It's not as if I'm sending a million messages. There was a part of me who also just wanted to ignore him as well. At least I know for sure now. Such a cowardly dickhead.

rainbowtrout

dog tired wrote: »

There was some advice here saying to send a message, so thought it would do no harm. At least I would know for sure. It's not as if I'm sending a million messages. There was a part of me who also just wanted to ignore him as well. At least I know for sure now. Such a cowardly dickhead.

It doesn't sound like you were very close in the first place OP. If you have no idea what is going on in his life, and you only get scraps by text, was it really a relationship for him? Did he introduce you to family and friends? Were you introduced as his girlfriend? Because you would know all this if you were a part of his life.

Sending a text saying things have gone quiet is very passive, and gives him a get out clause. It doesn't tackle his behaviour. As far as he has concerned he has just fobbed you off with another excuse, and what you've told him by sending that text with that message is that despite him not making any plans with you Saturday, and leaving you hanging without any clear answer about meeting up, is that you are back for more. He's getting the message that his poor behaviour is acceptable because you didn't complain about it and you didn't challenge it.


You have two choices (if you want to keep your sanity and self respect). Do not contact him any further, delete his number and all traces of him on social media and block him across the board, OR send him a text of the type 'I won't be in contact anymore, do not bother contacting me, I don't want to be involved with a man who is not respectful of me and my time ' and then delete and block him.

As it is you are still pandering to him, and waiting for him to change - which he never will. Get rid, so you can start to deal with getting over him. The longer you leave it to block him the harder it will be to move on. And you do need to block him and remove all traces, because if you don't even if you don't contact him, you will be waiting for a message from him to come, and when he does contact you out of the blue for a booty call, it will hit you unexpectedly and he will reel you in again for one night, and then drop you like a piece of rubbish. Don't put yourself through that.

dog tired

He's well and truly blocked. My passive message didn't do much, he was already on a dating site. So my intuition was right. Had met his family as well, he even told people about us, only a few weeks in. Have no idea where all this came from but he's not my problem anymore. I have other things going on so he's not worth my time or the tears. He's a waste of space.

Purple Mountain

dog tired wrote: »

He's well and truly blocked. My passive message didn't do much, he was already on a dating site. So my intuition was right. Had met his family as well, he even told people about us, only a few weeks in. Have no idea where all this came from but he's not my problem anymore. I have other things going on so he's not worth my time or the tears. He's a waste of space.

Onward and upward.

Telly

Fair play to you. He's an ass for doing this to you but you'll meet someone 100 times better.