My mother hates me for being sick . Advice ?

Neyite

She's toxic, simple as. Before you met your fiance, you were wholly depenent on her and she could say and do what she liked to you. Now you've got an ally, and a support system and she's losing her grip on you.

Of course none of this excuses her abuse of you, merely explains it. I understand that right now you're vulnerable and ill and the wedding is so close you don't want to rock the boat, so just remember that she's wrong. You met someone who loves you and wants to spend the rest of his life with you. His mother likes you. So you can't be the horrible person your mother describes.

It sounds like she's bitter and full of hatred. Remember it's her, and not you. Once you are married, you can distance yourself from her abuse with the help of your husband. Toxic Parents is a good book, I've heard.

jm92

Thanks for all the advice everyone . I broke down and discussed this in length with my fiance and we are going to take more steps to stop this. I don't want to be fighting with my mother , not at all. I'm so tired and frail at this stage but I'm not taking this anymore . She relied on me a lot to help with my special needs sister and I think that with the wedding being weeks away She is realising that I'm "taken" In a way. Obviously this dosent excuse the fact I'm not listening to this crap anymore. He's my rock and I think from what everyone had said it's clear She is not my rock so much anymore and She is not accepting that well . I don't know why She is obsessed with him leaving or with my mother in law plotting to split us up , she barely knows the woman ! All of your advice has helped me . There is 2 sides to every story , before my fiance I wouldnt say a bad word about her she was amazing , since then it's just went down hill so fast .

qwerty13

When you mentioned how your relationship worsened having moved out of home - alarm bells!

My mother did that too. The guilt trips she put me on were unreal. The most critical person ever. Put me down constantly. I could never be enough, do enough, help enough. Basically anything I ever did was either wrong, or met with a martyr sigh. But yet I constantly tried, for years.

A friend suggested that I had a ‘narcissistic mother’. I’d never heard of it before. I googled it, and so many things rang true. It’s incredibly hard to deal with, because - in my case anyway - your mother isn’t being obvious enough about her horrible behaviour to be pulled up on it by other people. And you are conditioned to deal with her horrible behaviour by complying with her wishes.

In my opinion, the issue is not you, your partner, your wedding, or your illness. The issue is your mother. Personally, I think you should try to remove her involvement in your life as much as possible. Don’t tell her too much about your wedding plans - you’ll only get a subtle or sometimes obvious put-down. And move doctors / hospitals - she has way too much involvement in that, and is using it as another excuse to put you down, while pretending to ‘be concerned’. Basically remove her from your life as much as you can. Don’t give her any ammo to use against you. And in my experience, any ‘weakness’ she sees will be used against you in every way she can

Emme

When you get married cut contact with her. Once she is out of your life completely you might find your health improves dramatically. Autoimmune illnesses are most common in those from narcissistic families.

Daisy78

She lulls you into a false sense of security by being attentive and then lands the sucker punch. It wouldn't matter who you married she would find fault in them because they are a threat. She doesn't see you moving out as natural progression, she sees it as something which will disrupt the life she knows and controls. Your wedding will act as the catalyst for change, the dynamic between you, your mother and husband will have changed at that point and she won't have the same opportunities to talk him (and you) down after that. However I would agree with one of the other posters suggestions about changing your medical arrangements, for your health and sanity you need to put more distance between you and your mother from here on in.

Neyite

I've been wondering about this. Is your mum a bit of an attention seeker?

When you've been sick all your life, in and out of hospital for this and that your mother naturally would get a lot of sympathy. praise and attention for all that you had to contend with. The sicker you were, the more she would be admired for being so strong and coping.

Now that you are an adult, the hospitals wouldn't disclose any information to her without your permission, or they'd likely consider your fiancé as your primary support rather than her so he's kind of replaced her in that role. So it could be that the attention she's used to getting over the years has disappeared. You aren't providing her with that ego trip anymore because your fiancé has taken over from her and she's jealous and lashing out to hurt you.

Of course, I could be way off. I hope I am.

AndrewJRenko

It sounds not so much that she hates you for being sick as she hates you for cutting the apron strings and building an independent life for yourself.

It's her problem, not yours. You need to concentrate on building your own life now.