My mother hates me for being sick . Advice ?

jm92

Hi ,
Just wanted some advice how to deal with a situation . I have been sick all my life , chronically , I've been diagnosed with several conditions/ diseases and I spend serious amounts of time at appointments / hospital visits . I'm getting married in a few weeks to the most amazing, patient man I've ever met who genuinely loves me for me , even when it's nights on the floor crying with pain of non stop doctors visits. My mother seems to just snap . I don't live at home anymore, however, I am home quite regularly due to medical appointments so I come home for a few nights at a time . She "acts supportive ". The Penny dropped for me today when I've been in hospital twice this week and kept in she goes " you're fiance is going to leave you , I can tell he hates you , you're sick so you're damaged goods to him " now I'm not surprised at this , I hear this quite regularly but told it's " for my own sake " . I don't see this as advice . I see this as being sour . She always goes in on me about how it's all in my head and if I only relaxed it would go away cause I'm making it up for attention . This I find cruel because she sat with me during those appointments when doctors have told me my diagnoses and I have pain a lot. She continually tells me that my Fiances mother has to be talking to him telling him to leave me because I'm too sick to have anyone marry me and why would anyone want a life like this with me . What kills me is she starts saying it and turns it into a massive argument where " She can't say anything to me " . That's not the case , I can promise this dosent come across as advice and I spend a lot of time crying over this . My wedding is in a few weeks , I'm in so much pain I don't know how I'm going to cope with that let alone my mother talking to me like I'm crazy . Any advice? And no I just can't stop coming home , I live a good bit away but all my medical stuff is here and we are a close family but this is tearing me apart .

bucketybuck

jm92 wrote: »

we are a close family.

Then you are close to an arsehole.

Just remember that your mother is not your fiance and she doesn't speak for him, so don't worry about that side of things. I understand there is a dependency there and you can't just tell her to get lost, so I would just ignore any of those nasty sorts of comments she makes, they don't deserve any time in your head.

clint_silver

read about this in a guardian article last year, someone thought it such a problem that theres a website set up in how to deal with horrid parents. guess what they called it?

https://www.myhorridparent.com/

Theres coping mechanisms, explanations for why they are what they are, forums, methods to deal with every type of which yours sounds like one. See if theres something there for you.

Seth Brundle

Is she being a bitch because she fears losing you and your dependance on her?

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater

Sorry, I don't have any advice, I just think this is really sad and a horrible situation for you to be in. I hope everything works out for you, OP.

jm92

kbannon wrote: »

Is she being a bitch because she fears losing you and your dependance on her?

I know when I moved out a few years ago she didn't take it well , and when I got engaged she started an argument with me over nothing . Even my father , who never would say anything bad said she wasn't taking the engagement well , That's how stupid the argument was . But lately my conditions have worsened and she s telling me weekly now that my fiance will up and leave me . She is almost saying it like she'd rather it happen before the marriage than after . I was in hospital twice this week and she gave me sympathy for about an hour then the "oh look girl this is ridiculous it has to be all in your head " and the " he'll leave you if you keep going on like this and I guarantee his mother is onto him when he's in work telling him to not bother with this wedding with you " . Like it's ridiculous . I'm only a few weeks from my wedding and she sees me as a shame i think .

Ave Sodalis

OP, this may start an argument, but is there any way your fiance could be there during your mothers visits and set her straight?

Seth Brundle

My own view would be that you need to tell her that it is your choice and you want her to be a part of your life with your soon-to-be husband.
However, if she continues to belittle you and insult your fiance then she is leaving you no choice but to shut her out of your life. Your fiance has supported you and knows what he is facing but has stood by you. Fromk what you have told us, he has done nothing to justify the hostility from your mother.
Honestly, give her an ultimatum. Otherwise, it won't stop.

I'm aware that you need the temporary accommodation but life is too short for putting up with unnecessary crap
Anyhow, best of luck with your wedding and future together.

Purple Mountain

Hi OP.
Would you get better results from your thread in Personal Issues?

jm92

Ave Sodalis wrote: »

OP, this may start an argument, but is there any way your fiance could be there during your mothers visits and set her straight?

Oh I've tried to get him to talk to her . Then I get the * sarcastic voice * from her that she s bullying me and I'm running of to my fiance crying about her being the worst mother in the world . This is not true . It got so bad at one point last year I ended up talking to my mother in law about it . A thing id never do . Funny thing is shed always been the most supportive of my wedding and relationship. She even understands me sicknesses so it makes me all worked up when my own mother starts saying that my mother in law is going behind my back trying to split us up

jm92

Purple Mountain wrote: »

Hi OP.
Would you get better results from your thread in Personal Issues?

I wasn't sure where to post . Sorry

Pelvis

That's not being sour, it's being abusive.

jm92

Honestly, he has always been the best to her , he treats me like an angel. He would do anything. He's aware of all of this and he has said before he is sick of being spoken of by someone else with an opinion that isn't his . She is always so concerned about him leaving me and it has me mystified . While I love my family , my health and my fiance are top priority with me . He's been there for years loving , caring and enduring my many illnesses . He knew when I met him and he knew when we decided to get married soon . So for her to go on and on weekly about him leaving me makes me miserable. But then again she says " there's no talking to you " . Simply because I don't want to listen to this .

Ave Sodalis

jm92 wrote:

Oh I've tried to get him to talk to her . Then I get the * sarcastic voice * from her that she s bullying me and I'm running of to my fiance crying about her being the worst mother in the world . This is not true . It got so bad at one point last year I ended up talking to my mother in law about it . A thing id never do . Funny thing is shed always been the most supportive of my wedding and relationship. She even understands me sicknesses so it makes me all worked up when my own mother starts saying that my mother in law is going behind my back trying to split us up

It sounds remarkably like co-dependency. It's a crappy situation. Your mother is a bully, as sarcastic as she is about it. It may be because she wants you all to herself and is jealous of your relationship with your partner, or it may not be. I don't think why she's doing it matters that much, except for your own coming to terms with it.

To be honest, I would start making steps to cut her own. She sounds toxic and it must be having a huge effect on your mental health. At the very least, I would go talk to a counsellor.

HelgaWard

She's belittling you constantly. Is she a very insecure person and trying to project her insecurity onto you? You need to nip this in the bud. When she says your Fiance is going to leave you, say "Why are you making this stuff up?" . Sounds like she is threatened by your mother in law also.

jm92

HelgaWard wrote: »

She's belittling you constantly. Is she a very insecure person and trying to project her insecurity onto you? You need to nip this in the bud. When she says your Fiance is going to leave you, say "Why are you making this stuff up?" . Sounds like she is threatened by your mother in law also.

I asked her today why does she keep saying this . I'm told it's for my own good so I can pull myself together , Advice as she calls it. She said she's older and knows how these situations go so I should listen to her . If my fiance says anything he's told he's not family and shouldn't be getting involved and mind his own business , 2 days later and She is buttering him up, I just don't get it

HelgaWard

That's a feckin nightmare. Not sure what you can do really. If it was me I would pull away, but that doesn't really resolve it and causes a whole world of other issues.

user1842

Can you be a bit more specific on the illness you have?

If it is not easily identifiable then maybe your mother does not believe you are actually ill.

This would explain her poor behaviour.

TheChizler

Would family counselling be an option OP? Do you think she would be willing to attend? Sounds like there are a lot of issues under the surface and it may help you explain your feelings to her, it sounds like she doesn't realize how those comments make you feel.

jm92

user1842 wrote: »

Can you be a bit more specific on the illness you have?

If it is not easily identifiable then maybe your mother does not believe you are actually ill.

This would explain her poor behaviour.

She sat in many a doctors office and listened to them tell me I have chronic bladder disease , pelvic neuralgia (severe nerve damage that means I can't sit or stand for long and I'm always in pain, just depends on the intensity) I have a lot of gynaecological issues. I have mainly nerve pains in my body aswell diagnosed but a neurologist. I have kidney problems with function too thanks to cysts . There's loads more but honestly it's ridiculous the amount I have

jm92

TheChizler wrote: »

Would family counselling be an option OP? Do you think she would be willing to attend? Sounds like there are a lot of issues under the surface and it may help you explain your feelings to her, it sounds like she doesn't realize how those comments make you feel.

Not a hope

user1842

jm92 wrote: »

She sat in many a doctors office and listened to them tell me I have chronic bladder disease , pelvic neuralgia (severe nerve damage that means I can't sit or stand for long and I'm always in pain, just depends on the intensity) I have a lot of gynaecological issues. I have mainly nerve pains in my body aswell diagnosed but a neurologist. I have kidney problems with function too thanks to cysts . There's loads more but honestly it's ridiculous the amount I have

That must be very difficult. Your mother should be a lot more supportive.

Tombo2001

......

molly09

Was your mother supportive if your illness prior to your engagement? Does she generally like you husband to be? Are you s only daughter or the first daughter in the family to get married? Maybe she needs reassurance that she not ‘loosing a daughter ‘.

jm92

molly09 wrote: »

Was your mother supportive if your illness prior to your engagement? Does she generally like you husband to be? Are you s only daughter or the first daughter in the family to get married? Maybe she needs reassurance that she not ‘loosing a daughter ‘.

She was always supportive until I moved out of the house . Then our relationship just changed and she still insists we move home after the wedding . Someone said earlier on a now deleted comment that there is two sides to every story . I 100% agree . But I also just posted for advice on how to deal with what I asked about . I'm not here to slate her . I just wanted a new opinion on how to handle this right before a wedding and on top of dealing with illness

I'm the oldest and first to get married . One sister and she has special needs .

witchgirl26

OP reading this it sounds like your mother is the one who thrived off the illness and looking after you and doesn't like the idea of losing that level of importance - first with you moving out, then with getting engaged and finally getting married. If you were to leave (not saying you are, doesn't sound like you want to at all) then it would mean that she would be your main source of comfort and support again.

I don't think reassuring her is going to necessarily work in this situation but instead of asking your fiance to say anything, I think you need to. I think you need to politely tell her that it's your life and you are going ahead with this, that if your fiance wants out, he has free will and can leave himself but he hasn't, and that he understands and is there to support you. Say you appreciate her concern (even if you really don't) but it's the last you want to hear about this again and you want to focus on the positive which is your wedding.

If she tries to bring it up again, I'd interrupt her and say "I've heard all you've said on this and I don't want to hear it again". Don't let her even start the conversation.

FindersKeepers

What I really would like to say OP would without doubt be removed from Boards so I better be nice. This is an awful situation and I sympathise with you so much.. Regardless of the relationship I wouldn't want someone like this in my life full stop. Making someone feel like that especially their own child I feel does is not deserving of my time or energy.... I was disgusted reading your post... and if anyone needs help it's your Mother. I'm sorry you are going through this and hope you have a beautiful wedding day, best wishes to yourself and hubby for a healthier and happier future.

muckwarrior

You can choose who you marry, but unfortunately you can't choose your family.

skirteen

Sorry to hear you're going through this OP, unfortunately a lot of what you're going through sounds very familiar to me. Your mother is ruining the run-up to your wedding by emotionally abusing you and manipulating situations to reflect badly on you.
Starting now you need to put yourself first. If you can get to a counsellor I'd make it a priority, they won't be long putting your mind at ease and will reassure you that you're not the one with the problem. They will also train you on how to interact with your mother. The reasons behind her behaviour can be dealt with after the wedding, but you might never find out why she's treating you like this.
Is there another relative or friend you could stay with when you have medical appointments? Or can you transfer your records to a facility nearer your home? Your mother is in total control of this aspect of your relationship and it's giving her way too many opportunities to deride you.
Hopefully you'll get through the next few weeks without major incident but don't be surprised if you don't. A person as manipulative and thoughtless as your mother will often stop at nothing to take the shine off a happy event for someone close.
You and your fiance are a new family now, your mother just hasn't realised this yet.

Faith

Mod note: Thread Moved from the Weddings forum to Personal Issues, where it’s better suited. Please note that the PI charter is now in effect.

rainbowtrout

jm92 wrote: »

She was always supportive until I moved out of the house . Then our relationship just changed and she still insists we move home after the wedding . Someone said earlier on a now deleted comment that there is two sides to every story . I 100% agree . But I also just posted for advice on how to deal with what I asked about . I'm not here to slate her . I just wanted a new opinion on how to handle this right before a wedding and on top of dealing with illness

I'm the oldest and first to get married . One sister and she has special needs .

Your mother is being a bitch, plain and simple. She was supportive because she had control over your life and her life revolved around you in lots of way. Or rather yours might have revolved around her - being brought to appointments etc. You don't need her (as much) anymore, so rather than her acting as an adult about it, like most people would, she slags off your fiance at every opportunity and says nasty things to you. Presumably this is ramping up as the date of your wedding approaches, because once you are married, it's a done deal. Your fiance will be your husband and your family. You will not be returning home to live with your mother.

You have to stand firm about this. Cut her off at the first opportunity and do not engage in this type of conversation with her. You may need to take it further and tell her that if she continues to abuse you and your future husband that you will no longer be visiting home. Now you said that you visit home when you have some medical appointments, you may have to make alternative arrangements to make that work, but once or twice might get the message through.

Neyite

She's toxic, simple as. Before you met your fiance, you were wholly depenent on her and she could say and do what she liked to you. Now you've got an ally, and a support system and she's losing her grip on you.

Of course none of this excuses her abuse of you, merely explains it. I understand that right now you're vulnerable and ill and the wedding is so close you don't want to rock the boat, so just remember that she's wrong. You met someone who loves you and wants to spend the rest of his life with you. His mother likes you. So you can't be the horrible person your mother describes.

It sounds like she's bitter and full of hatred. Remember it's her, and not you. Once you are married, you can distance yourself from her abuse with the help of your husband. Toxic Parents is a good book, I've heard.

jm92

Thanks for all the advice everyone . I broke down and discussed this in length with my fiance and we are going to take more steps to stop this. I don't want to be fighting with my mother , not at all. I'm so tired and frail at this stage but I'm not taking this anymore . She relied on me a lot to help with my special needs sister and I think that with the wedding being weeks away She is realising that I'm "taken" In a way. Obviously this dosent excuse the fact I'm not listening to this crap anymore. He's my rock and I think from what everyone had said it's clear She is not my rock so much anymore and She is not accepting that well . I don't know why She is obsessed with him leaving or with my mother in law plotting to split us up , she barely knows the woman ! All of your advice has helped me . There is 2 sides to every story , before my fiance I wouldnt say a bad word about her she was amazing , since then it's just went down hill so fast .

qwerty13

When you mentioned how your relationship worsened having moved out of home - alarm bells!

My mother did that too. The guilt trips she put me on were unreal. The most critical person ever. Put me down constantly. I could never be enough, do enough, help enough. Basically anything I ever did was either wrong, or met with a martyr sigh. But yet I constantly tried, for years.

A friend suggested that I had a ‘narcissistic mother’. I’d never heard of it before. I googled it, and so many things rang true. It’s incredibly hard to deal with, because - in my case anyway - your mother isn’t being obvious enough about her horrible behaviour to be pulled up on it by other people. And you are conditioned to deal with her horrible behaviour by complying with her wishes.

In my opinion, the issue is not you, your partner, your wedding, or your illness. The issue is your mother. Personally, I think you should try to remove her involvement in your life as much as possible. Don’t tell her too much about your wedding plans - you’ll only get a subtle or sometimes obvious put-down. And move doctors / hospitals - she has way too much involvement in that, and is using it as another excuse to put you down, while pretending to ‘be concerned’. Basically remove her from your life as much as you can. Don’t give her any ammo to use against you. And in my experience, any ‘weakness’ she sees will be used against you in every way she can

Emme

When you get married cut contact with her. Once she is out of your life completely you might find your health improves dramatically. Autoimmune illnesses are most common in those from narcissistic families.

Daisy78

She lulls you into a false sense of security by being attentive and then lands the sucker punch. It wouldn't matter who you married she would find fault in them because they are a threat. She doesn't see you moving out as natural progression, she sees it as something which will disrupt the life she knows and controls. Your wedding will act as the catalyst for change, the dynamic between you, your mother and husband will have changed at that point and she won't have the same opportunities to talk him (and you) down after that. However I would agree with one of the other posters suggestions about changing your medical arrangements, for your health and sanity you need to put more distance between you and your mother from here on in.

Neyite

I've been wondering about this. Is your mum a bit of an attention seeker?

When you've been sick all your life, in and out of hospital for this and that your mother naturally would get a lot of sympathy. praise and attention for all that you had to contend with. The sicker you were, the more she would be admired for being so strong and coping.

Now that you are an adult, the hospitals wouldn't disclose any information to her without your permission, or they'd likely consider your fiancé as your primary support rather than her so he's kind of replaced her in that role. So it could be that the attention she's used to getting over the years has disappeared. You aren't providing her with that ego trip anymore because your fiancé has taken over from her and she's jealous and lashing out to hurt you.

Of course, I could be way off. I hope I am.

AndrewJRenko

It sounds not so much that she hates you for being sick as she hates you for cutting the apron strings and building an independent life for yourself.

It's her problem, not yours. You need to concentrate on building your own life now.