His remark has made me lose my ****

bucketybuck

Katgurl wrote: »

If he wanted to take back the photos of his ex (on her own) he could have lifted the lid on the recycle bin and taken them back out.

You should not have binned his photos, and you should not be blaming him because you binned his photos.

He isn't a robot with pre-recorded "men" responses, no doubt he has plenty of his own complicated thoughts and feelings about both his previous relationships, his children, and about your recent actions. I wouldn't dismiss the point so glibly as "he could have taken them back out if he wanted to".

And honestly, if he had taken them back out can you say for a fact that you wouldn't be angry about that as well? That you wouldn't see that as further evidence that he values his past above your present wishes?

You are angry at the guy because while unpacking boxes in a small house you found old pictures of his, could you blame him for struggling to sympathise here?

By the way, you kept mentioning that the photos were framed, and said that people don't keep pictures framed as if ready to be displayed again. I'm sorry but thats just wrong, in my experience once a picture gets framed it stays framed, if he is keeping old pictures at all then he is just going to leave them as they were in the original frame, there is nothing untoward about that at all. You make it sound as if he is waiting for you to turn your back some day and he will have them up above the fireplace.

If I were you I'd be equally worried about the effect this could have on your relationship with his kids as they're staying with you for half the week - imagine how they'll feel when they find out you've binned pictures of their parents!
Unforgivable.

Katgurl

bucketybuck wrote: »

You should not have binned his photos, and you should not be blaming him because you binned his photos.

He isn't a robot with pre-recorded "men" responses, no doubt he has plenty of his own complicated thoughts and feelings about both his previous relationships, his children, and about your recent actions. I wouldn't dismiss the point so glibly as "he could have taken them back out if he wanted to".

And honestly, if he had taken them back out can you say for a fact that you wouldn't be angry about that as well? That you wouldn't see that as further evidence that he values his past above your present wishes?

You are angry at the guy because while unpacking boxes in a small house you found old pictures of his, could you blame him for struggling to sympathise here?

By the way, you kept mentioning that the photos were framed, and said that people don't keep pictures framed as if ready to be displayed again. I'm sorry but thats just wrong, in my experience once a picture gets framed it stays framed, if he is keeping old pictures at all then he is just going to leave them as they were in the original frame, there is nothing untoward about that at all. You make it sound as if he is waiting for you to turn your back some day and he will have them up above the fireplace.

Ok I am going to explain this again in detail.

I did not unpack them out of boxes. I clarified this already. They were in a bedroom locker. And he WAS sympathetic even though he didn't mean to be, he said sorry (which I didn't expect as I wasn't annoyed) and he'd get rid of them. I said to him grand to keep them if you want but please put them away with your stuff. He said he would give them back to her as they were hers anyway. Then he plonked them on the bedroom shelf and said he would deal with it later. I said please do because I am not upset now but if I have to continue looking at them I will get upset that you couldn't be bothered. He said don't worry, I will do it. Then he presumably (as this is what he told me and I trust him) forgot. I was annoyed. He is messy and careless in general but I had specifically asked him to do this we had an argument. I threw them in the recycle bin. I said sorry and offered to take them back out as he had said they were hers. He said not to bother and it didn't matter. I believe him as I generally find him very direct.

If you don't believe him then i think you're projecting based on your own style of communication.

Also I have stated many times that I am angry about what he said not about the photos. I never said I was angry with the guy because I found some photos in a box. I wanted him to put them into a box with his other stuff.

Katgurl

[Deleted User] wrote: »

If I were you I'd be equally worried about the effect this could have on your relationship with his kids as they're staying with you for half the week - imagine how they'll feel when they find out you've binned pictures of their parents!
Unforgivable.

Yeah well hopefully they won't find out. It happened five months ago so I don't know why it would come up now. Their mother cut up all the photos of their father in front of them. I guess people learn to cope.

Also they weren't photos of their parents, it was one parent. Their mother. He could have given the photos back to her as he had suggested or he could have put them into his boxes with his files and other keep-sakes. I assume he has lots of other photos in there. That's fine. They are his.

Assuming they do find out I would be honest and say I was sorry and explain that I did it when I was upset

If they can't forgive me I guess I'll live with that.

Whispered

Op reading here I can say "oh way out of line" etc but I think my emotional reaction would be similar. It would take me a while to think logically about it. I'd often have an emotion about something, be aware that it's not warranted or logical yet still feel the emotion. Granted I usually wouldn't act on the emotion but I totally understand why you felt such upset at finding the pictures.

I also "read into every word" as my husband says. I tend to choose words carefully, he doesn't, so a throwaway comment will mean nothing to him but will lodge in my mind. I guess it's a case of really getting to know, and accepting, each other's communication style.

You seem to know what you want to do now. i hope you're feeling better.

As an aside, the idea of pregnancy hormones being a small part of mood and behaviour isn't true for some women. It's a massive part for some women. I never suffered PMS before I had a baby either. Pregnancy turned me into another person for the duration and a good while after. Even now I struggle really badly for 2/3 days out of the month. Honestly i always believed that some women use hormones as an excuse for their behaviour. I look back on pregnant and new mother me and hate myself for how I felt and reacted. Truth be told I should have asked for help. But I didn't see it at the time. While I don't think that is what is happening here, I wanted to mention it in case someone feeling similarly is reading.

Malayalam

Don't mind people getting uptight about the binned photos, every relationship has its own weird passionate ecosystem, and every act is nuanced. Black and white words don't convey that. All of us do have a secret drama queen in our hearts
As for breaking the plate, I once stood at the back door and calmly and even leisurely threw every single plate and dish we had at a brick wall across the lane. It was fabulously cathartic, and I cannot even remember what I was upset about.
PS The dishware was not expensive either, the second hand odds and ends that make up most of the material possessions in our lives, so maybe its good to have a stock on stand by...just in case.

bucketybuck

Katgurl wrote: »

Ok I am going to explain this again in detail.

You didn't need to, I read it perfectly well the first time. I just have a different opinion on how you are coming across.

I feel for the guy, I really do, because now he has two women fighting with him and in at least one of the cases I can't see that he has done much wrong.

Katgurl

bucketybuck wrote: »

You didn't need to, I read it perfectly well the first time. I just have a different opinion on how you are coming across.

I feel for the guy, I really do, because now he has two women fighting with him and in at least one of the cases I can't see that he has done much wrong.

He voluntarily apologized for a situation (that I wasn't giving out about) and offered to do something. I was clear I would be upset if he didn't follow through. Then he didn't do it. So that's what he did wrong there.

We argued about him not following through on his promise, not about having photographs. I reacted by throwing the photos in the bin. So that's what I did wrong there. We both apologized. He said he didn't care about the photos. We made up.

We had a new argument months later. He said something which upset me. On reflection I don't think he meant it that way.

Katgurl

Katgurl wrote: »

I assume he has lots of other photos in there. That's fine. They are his.

.

So were the others that you binned!!

How big of a factor is your mother in this - you said she's digging away at you and the situation the whole time? How's your relationship with her in general? Is that nitpicking and planting ideas a common theme with her? If so, do you think you're possibly taking out your frustrations with your mother on your partner?

ps. - i hope I'm not coming across harsher than I mean to btw! it's not a nice situation to be in on either side of the fence here.

lawred2

Katgurl wrote: »

And if he didn't want to get rid of them he could have been straight with me about that. He shouldn't have said he'd deal with it then not bothered.

You can be outraged all you like. I find a suggestion I should look at framed photos of my boyfriend's ex in our bedroom outrageous.

Saying he was trying to appease me is one theory. Another is that he was telling the truth when he said had forgotten about his promise and regretted upsetting me. He printed off photos of the two of us and me on my own that week and put them in our room and around the house. So I believed him.

I wish he had then taken the opportunity to put away the other photos properly. But as I have said over and over now the photos are not the issue.

I'm not outraged. Why would I be outraged about what some strangers are at?

I said the act of throwing out the pictures was outrageous. And regardless of how you see it - I believe that you should have gotten them back out of the bin.

You come across very defensive to me.

Katgurl

[Deleted User] wrote: »

So were the others that you binned!!

How big of a factor is your mother in this - you said she's digging away at you and the situation the whole time? How's your relationship with her in general? Is that nitpicking and planting ideas a common theme with her? If so, do you think you're possibly taking out your frustrations with your mother on your partner?

ps. - i hope I'm not coming across harsher than I mean to btw! it's not a nice situation to be in on either side of the fence here.

Yeah they were his (or hers actually) and I didn't want him to get rid of them. I don't think our bedroom shelf is the place for them however.

Yes my mother is nitpicking. She has a lot of issues and I've always been aware of this. I try to let it wash over me byt it's a battle to not engage. She was scathing when I said I always make an effort to get on with his ex, invite her in, contact her if there is an issue with the kids or whatever. My mother firmly believes I should put her in the enemy camp, we should hate each other on sight and it's naive to think differently. I suspect its important for her to believe that nobody ever moves on from their marriage. I don't share that belief and think I should do my best to rise above awkwardness for the good of the kids. Incidentally i don't care if the ex does hate me (don't think she does actually, think she is happy I get on with the kids).

When I refer to her as his ex my mother corrects and says "she's his WIFE". He doesn't say this. They are legally separated and on track for divorce +four year wait must be observed). She was doing this before she met him so I know it's based on her own stuff not anything she's observed. I know I am letting her get under my skin.

Despite my best intentions to keep my mother's incessant dialogue out of my head when he referred to them (and in my mind) not me as his family I felt like I'd been kicked in the guts.

Katgurl

lawred2 wrote: »

I'm not outraged. Why would I be outraged about what some strangers are at?

I said the act of throwing out the pictures was outrageous. And regardless of how you see it - I believe that you should have gotten them back out of the bin.

You come across very defensive to me.

I keep my promises and I expect my boyfriend to do the same.

Maybe you don't and maybe consuequently you wouldn't expect your partner to either.

That's fine. We are all different.

lawred2

Katgurl wrote: »

I keep my promises and I expect my boyfriend to do the same.

Maybe you don't and maybe consuequently you wouldn't expect your partner to either.

That's fine. We are all different.

Alrighty then - I'm out. All the best.

Big Bag of Chips

Katgurl, I know you are emotional about this, but you say the photos were away in a locker. So in his mind they were "away" like you asked him to put them. You then are saying you don't wnt to be looking at photos of his wife on a shelf in your bedroom. Were they displayed on a shelf in your bedroom or are you just exaggerating your point? You have to see that he obviously thinks differently to you. You asked him to put the photos away. He put them away. You asked him to sort them out. And a week later you weren't happy they weren't sorted out. Maybe in his mind they were sorted out. Or in his mind he wasn't placing as much importance in that job as you were. Not because he didn't want to pack away the photos but purely because they weren't important in whatever else needed to be done in that week.

You are going to have to accept that you have different "standards". And when the baby comes, if he changes the nappy and he doesn't change it as "neatly" as you would then it's not wrong, it's just his way! Same with this. The photos weren't on display. They weren't framed up around your house. In his mind they were "away" - forgotten about, unimportant. For you they weren't "away" properly enough. I don't see that he has done anything hugely wrong. You overreacted to a situation because your expectations were higher.

Am I reading this right that this all happened 5 months ago?

Katgurl

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Katgurl, I know you are emotional about this, but you say the photos were away in a locker. So in his mind they were "away" like you asked him to put them. You then are saying you don't wnt to be looking at photos of his wife on a shelf in your bedroom. Were they displayed on a shelf in your bedroom or are you just exaggerating your point? You have to see that he obviously thinks differently to you. You asked him to put the photos away. He put them away. You asked him to sort them out. And a week later you weren't happy they weren't sorted out. Maybe in his mind they were sorted out. Or in his mind he wasn't placing as much importance in that job as you were. Not because he didn't want to pack away the photos but purely because they weren't important in whatever else needed to be done in that week.

You are going to have to accept that you have different "standards". And when the baby comes, if he changes the nappy and he doesn't change it as "neatly" as you would then it's not wrong, it's just his way! Same with this. The photos weren't on display. They weren't framed up around your house. In his mind they were "away" - forgotten about, unimportant. For you they weren't "away" properly enough. I don't see that he has done anything hugely wrong. You overreacted to a situation because your expectations were higher.

Am I reading this right that this all happened 5 months ago?

Ok I appreciate I have not been clear.

There were two photograph 'incidents'.

The first one was five months ago and it was those photos I threw in the bin. They were in a bedside locker and of his ex on her own. I wasn't annoyed when I saw them. I suspected he didn't know they were there (I still believe this). He had said before in a conversation about other people that he didn't bring photos of his ex when he left. I remember the comment because I was surprised at the time. I gathered them up when I found them and put them into a shoebox, I couldn't put the lid on the box as the frames too big. He said he'd get rid of them and sorry he left them there. I said he didn't need to throw them away, he might want them later or to show to his kids? So to put them into his storage boxes. He said he'd just give them back to her. Then he plonked the box on the shelf on my side of the bed. I said well whatever you decide to do, do not leave them there because that will severely annoy me if I have to look at them. He said he wouldn't and he'd give them to her over the next couple of days. I said again I'm serious, please don't make me ask about this again. Put them wherever you want out of but don't leave them there or I will be looking at them and I know I'm not immune to the green-eyed monster, I'm just being straight with you. He said don't be silly, of course I'm not going to leave them there and I said I'm trusting you to remove them yourself. Hence why I was so upset when he didn't bother. And yes I know loads of people would not care one jot but would have major issues with other stuff that I take in my stride. And this looked like a straightforward arrangement.

Then there was the row and the photos went in the bin. I felt awful about it and not least because I wished I could not care but I had been honest with him that I did.

Anyway the other photos of his wedding etc came out of the cupboard yesterday. I was exasperated that he had more (he told me he didn't and in hindsight probably didn't realise) and they were lying around. All the big complicated stuff we seem to deal with well so it just seems ridiculous that something so teenageresque is the cause of a row.

I was irritated with the photos. I put it down to him not being arsed.

But it was the family comment that made me utterly lose my ****. I have a sister who regularly loses her temper and I despise that sort of behaviour. I feel very confused by my plate smashing reaction and wonder am I feeling secure in this relationship at all or just fooling myself. And if not, why not?

Katgurl

Katgurl wrote: »

Yeah they were his (or hers actually) and I didn't want him to get rid of them. I don't think our bedroom shelf is the place for them however.

Yes my mother is nitpicking. She has a lot of issues and I've always been aware of this. I try to let it wash over me byt it's a battle to not engage. She was scathing when I said I always make an effort to get on with his ex, invite her in, contact her if there is an issue with the kids or whatever. My mother firmly believes I should put her in the enemy camp, we should hate each other on sight and it's naive to think differently. I suspect its important for her to believe that nobody ever moves on from their marriage. I don't share that belief and think I should do my best to rise above awkwardness for the good of the kids. Incidentally i don't care if the ex does hate me (don't think she does actually, think she is happy I get on with the kids).

When I refer to her as his ex my mother corrects and says "she's his WIFE". He doesn't say this. They are legally separated and on track for divorce +four year wait must be observed). She was doing this before she met him so I know it's based on her own stuff not anything she's observed. I know I am letting her get under my skin.

Despite my best intentions to keep my mother's incessant dialogue out of my head when he referred to them (and in my mind) not me as his family I felt like I'd been kicked in the guts.

I think this is the root of your problems as opposed to your partner to be honest.....possibly its easier to lash out at him (with some justification to be fair if they were on display - I misunderstood and took them to be away in a closet!) that it is to confront your mother and tell her to back to f**k off!

Katgurl

[Deleted User] wrote: »

I think this is the root of your problems as opposed to your partner to be honest.....possibly its easier to lash out at him (with some justification to be fair if they were on display - I misunderstood and took them to be away in a closet!) that it is to confront your mother and tell her to back to f**k off!

No no they weren't 'on display'. I should clear that up. They were in a bedside locker initially so that's not the worst but he has all his other stuff packed up and I thought he should put them with those things. Then they were in an open box on the shelf beside my bed. I asked him whatever he did to please not leave them there (I know I'd be noseying through and wanted to resist the temptation).

Re my mother. You are right that she is at the root of this upset. We have had the odd painful conversation over the years about how she treated me. To be honest it's too painful and it's damaging to our relationship so instead of talking it through again with her I try to filter that stuff out. She was quite mean when I met him and still makes the odd jibe. My dad treated her terribly, he cheated constantly and openly in front of mutual friends. He totally humiliated her. I understand on some level it is really important for her to believe that because she was his wife or his first wife or whatever that she has a 'higher ranking'. She seizes opportunities almost gleefully to put me back in my box. I have never believed that everyone pines for their ex-spouse. The relationship ended, it may have been good once but not anymore. I wouldn't have entered into a relationship with some sort of acceptance that I'd always come after the ex wife in terms of priorities (totally accept I come after the kids - that is how it should be).

I guess I have some stuff to sort out in my head. I don't even think boyfriend is the man to talk to, I think I need to speak to a counselor.

Dial Hard

Katgurl wrote: »

I feel very confused by my plate smashing reaction and wonder am I feeling secure in this relationship at all or just fooling myself. And if not, why not?

You are together over a year (I'm presuming that means not much over) and are already pregnant and living together. That's very early days for any relationship, let alone one where there's a previous marriage and kids involved, so I'm not really surprised that the going is starting to get tough.

How long was he separated before you guys got together? Again, it can't be that long if he's still in the four-year waiting period. I think it's very possible that he rushed into this relationship, barrelled his kids along for the ride, moved things with you along quicker than you necessarily wanted (going by your comments on it being him that pushed moving in together & having the baby) and now the cracks are beginning to show somewhat.

It's very difficult to be in a post-marriage relationship. I'm divorced myself and my ex is his with his partner almost seven years now and I know from mutual friends that they still have a blazing row every time my name is mentioned (which is unavoidable at times, because we still share a lot of friends).

Personally, that is not a way I would want to live my life. As others have said, jealousy is one of the worst, most pointless emotions anyone can feel. It sounds like you are having major issues accepting the fact that your unit won't be his first family unit. Perhaps some counselling to address those feelings might be a good idea.

Katgurl

Thanks dial hard.

I don't honestly and truly ever have a reaction like what you described there. In fact I think that people who go into a post-marriage relationship not realising that they have to make it work with everyone; the kids, the ex are naive, immature and selfish in the extreme. I find myself mediating their rows more than anything (money, childcare issues) and always encourage him to be reasonable and try to point out her pov. I am very friendly to her and while I don't know if she's hurt by his new relationship I sincerely hope she isn't. I also try to encourage the kids to get on with her when they are struggling and I try to shield them from their parents rows or ease their anxieties. I had a stepdad who rubbished my dad at every opportunity. I hated it and would never ever want them to feel like I did.

I don't know where this reaction is stemming from. I felt devastated by his words, completely disregarded. I know his daughter does her best to disregard me and undermine me but that's a complicated teenage response.

ETA : I did panic after we moved in that things had gone too quickly. It also occurred to me and I don't know honestly if this is unfounded or not that because their breakup was so acrimonious (and she came out on top I suppose) that him moving on, moving in and impregnating someone else at the speed of knots was possibly partially revenge driven.

I also know that I've never really had a truly peaceful fulfilling relationship even though I crave one so badly. I am afraid I am sabotaging it because I'm afraid to really let it unfold and take all the risks associated with that.

Neyite

Katgurl wrote: »

I feel very confused by my plate smashing reaction and wonder am I feeling secure in this relationship at all or just fooling myself. And if not, why not?

Katgurl wrote: »

I did panic after we moved in that things had gone too quickly. It also occurred to me and I don't know honestly if this is unfounded or not that because their breakup was so acrimonious (and she came out on top I suppose) that him moving on, moving in and impregnating someone else at the speed of knots was possibly partially revenge driven.

I would explore this feeling as the possible root of your insecurity and jealousy. I think anyone in your position would feel jealous or insecure at times, I know I probably would. And a blended family is hard to navigate particularly when it's so new. You've got a lot of new stuff going on at the moment plus dealing with negativity from your mother, the ex and the step-daughter.

There are some folk who are unable to be alone, so much so that when a relationship is failing they are like a monkey lining up the next vine to grab before letting go of the previous one. He could be someone like that? But if you are feeling like your relationship was based on a "fcuk you" to his ex then it's no wonder you are feeling off balance, particularly since there is now a baby on the way, and you'd obviously like to have the relationship baby is born into based on more than revenge on an ex.

In our house, we would never bin anything belonging to each other and we are together yonks. I'm not sure what's in 'his' locker, and vice versa I'm sure. When we first moved in with each other, the OH had a box of keepsakes and as far as I can remember, there was some ex-related stuff in it. It was his and his memories and I've no right to those. For a good while it was in his side of the wardrobe (and I'd see that box every time I opened the wardrobe) and I think it came with us when we moved, so we were 4+ years together at that point. I didn't see it in the last house move so it's possible he got rid of it, or it's in some box of obsolete stuff that went straight to the attic but I've no idea.

The point is, just because he's got love letters or a photo of someone he loved in that box, it did not detract from us or make us lesser as a couple, probably because I was secure he wanted to be with me because he wanted to be there. If I had an inkling though that he was with me because he wanted to stick it to his ex, then I'm sure that box would have bothered me a lot.

Katgurl

Neyite wrote: »

I would explore this feeling as the possible root of your insecurity and jealousy. I think anyone in your position would feel jealous or insecure at times, I know I probably would. And a blended family is hard to navigate particularly when it's so new. You've got a lot of new stuff going on at the moment plus dealing with negativity from your mother, the ex and the step-daughter.

There are some folk who are unable to be alone, so much so that when a relationship is failing they are like a monkey lining up the next vine to grab before letting go of the previous one. He could be someone like that? But if you are feeling like your relationship was based on a "fcuk you" to his ex then it's no wonder you are feeling off balance, particularly since there is now a baby on the way, and you'd obviously like to have the relationship baby is born into based on more than revenge on an ex.

In our house, we would never bin anything belonging to each other and we are together yonks. I'm not sure what's in 'his' locker, and vice versa I'm sure. When we first moved in with each other, the OH had a box of keepsakes and as far as I can remember, there was some ex-related stuff in it. It was his and his memories and I've no right to those. For a good while it was in his side of the wardrobe (and I'd see that box every time I opened the wardrobe) and I think it came with us when we moved, so we were 4+ years together at that point. I didn't see it in the last house move so it's possible he got rid of it, or it's in some box of obsolete stuff that went straight to the attic but I've no idea.

The point is, just because he's got love letters or a photo of someone he loved in that box, it did not detract from us or make us lesser as a couple, probably because I was secure he wanted to be with me because he wanted to be there. If I had an inkling though that he was with me because he wanted to stick it to his ex, then I'm sure that box would have bothered me a lot.

Thanks Neyite. Truth be told I am not bothered about the photos at all. I think the being fobbed off was just a catalyst.

Also bizarre as it sounds I am not jealous of his ex or the fact he was previously in love with her or anything like that. The past does not bother me and I haven't any reason to think he still holds a candle for her.

I do however have major issues with how I feel disregarded and sceptical of his motives. I won't get into the complications here surrounding mainly his eldest daughter and how he puts his head in the sand but I am definitely going to seek counselling to muddle through it all.

LegacyUser

OP can I ask a question here?? It makes no odds really it's just out of curiosity when I came across ur post on boards because I read one of ur latest replies to someone saying that his wife cut up his picture in front of the kids.)

How did u meet him? And why did he and his wife separate? Was there any infidelity on either part? Again don't mean 2 be rude just curious from your latest statement

I ask these question for a particular reason, it's just that I have being separated from my wife the past 5 months over some various issues no major just we were having difficulty getting on but we're working through it slowly via counselling, but she wouldn't go chopping up my pics in front of the kids now unless I did something very wrong to her??

bur

Self awareness, try it some time.

Dial Hard

Katgurl wrote: »

I know his daughter does her best to disregard me and undermine me but that's a complicated teenage response.

Katgurl wrote: »

I won't get into the complications here surrounding mainly his eldest daughter and how he puts his head in the sand

Tbh, I can understand why there might be issues there. Being a teenager is difficult enough when you're part of a happy family. She's had to deal with her parents splitting up, then a new girlfriend coming on the scene very quickly, and then not only having to live with you half the time long before she was probably ready, but finding out that there's a new baby half-brother or sister on the way to boot. It's a lot for anyone to process, let alone a teenager who was probably still dealing with her parents breaking up in the first place.

For what it's worth, I think your boyfriend has behaved rather shabbily to everyone involved here. Anyone I've known who has entered into a relationship after splitting with the parents of their children has been super slow to even introduce the new partner to the children, let alone move them in with them. It sounds very much like your partner has rail-roaded everyone into this very loaded situation far too quickly and now you (and the daughter) are dealing with the consequences.

Katgurl

Oh I was fully expecting teenage issues for all the reasons outlined above. I am probably better positioned than most as I work with teenagers. But I need him to step up and deal with them as they come up instead of being the nice guy and painting me as the bad guy. I am highly sensitive to the hard time they've all had and the changes they are still having foisted on them.

There are other issues with the daughter that I don't want to get into here. I know they were a problem between him and his ex. I think he absolutely has to address these with his ex. I am worrying about him turning a blind eye if certain things continue when the baby is here.

Also I was not prepared to have them half the time. He said they would be coming every second weekend and I was nervous about how that would go. The mother can't or won't deal with the eldest and seems to do her best to have her out of the house. Within a few weeks of us getting the place the daughter announced to her auntie in front of me she had moved into her dad's place. I still don't know if that was arranged behind my back. She is supposed to be in boarding school but fairly rapidly we were having her most nights and none of it was ever discussed with me. The others are with is midweek every week too. Obviously this is not her fault at all. I felt I needed to be consulted by him on what overall plans were - not for him, the ex and the daughter to make arrangements and simple leave me out of the conversation. Then I felt he tackled it reallly badly, i overheard him say to her on the phone that i was giving out she was there too much and I didn't like it and was giving him stick. I've heard her slag me off and he doesn't object. I believe it was very much the dynamic in his marriage too.

Oh it's a mess.

Katgurl

I have wandered off on a complete tangent.

I got good advice though. Thanks to everyone for the replies. I have read them all thoroughly.

Mods can you lock please.