His remark has made me lose my ****

Katgurl

This all sounds pretty stupid but I'm genuinely upset.

I am 40. I'm with my partner over a year. I am pregnant. He is legally separated and has kids who live with us half the time. They are difficult teens and it can be a challenge but I never expected it to be easy. I have never been married and have no children.

Our relationship is good. I sometimes get upset over seemingly trivial things but then I can't shake it off. I would love to not feel upset about these things and I try various methods but they don't work. These are usually in reference to his ex-wife. I often feel disregarded by either her or his eldest daughter. Things are very acrimonious between him and his ex. It doesn't help that my mother (who has her own issues) it's constantly making underhand comments about how she is still his wife and he must be jealous about her new boyfriend etc.

We got our own place together and moved all our stuff in. Shortly afterwards I was unpacking and found a load of framed photos of his ex. I put them into a box and said if he wanted to keep them could he put them away as we were meant to be starting our home together and I don't keep photos of my ex around or still have them framed as if ready to be displayed again. He said sorry that he didn't realise he had them but there were no more and put the box on a shelf in our bedroom. I said that is not what I had in mind and he said he would sort it the following day. A week later they were still there and I got angry and said he was being inconsiderate and I ended up binning them which I hadn't even asked him to do. So the fight ended there, I was annoyed he couldn't just put them away someplace but I put it down to carelessness.

Anyway today I was doing a clear out, opened a cupboard and a load of framed photos fell out - their wedding, later ones of the pair of them with their arms around each other and their kids. I know they're only photos but I felt very uspet looking at them and that he had lied to me about not having more photos. I messaged him, he said sorry and he'd remove them. Then I said I'm very upset given the argument we had before and it's supposed to be our home and I feel like I am treated by everyone as if I am a tenant in his place (it's mainly the eldest daughter and his ex who behave like this).

Anyway he arrived home and was a bit sarcastic about it all so I got annoyed and asked him why was he keeping the photos anyway when he said "because that's my family". I totally flipped at the remark (I am carrying his child) to the point i ended up smashing a plate on the ground. He looked totally alarmed and I ran out of the room crying.

I know the photos are not the issue. I worry that he really does feel like that is his family, my mother is right, I'm just a rebound or a way to 'win the race' with his ex (move on quicker).

I don't want a relationship full of fighting. I don't know if i am just looking for problems where there are none. Maybe I should go for counselling alone or with him. I know from last experience this will all go round and round my head and yet to most people it's a total non issue.

strandroad

I understand why the situation is sensitive, but why would he not keep the photos (somewhere out of sight)? They are genuine snapshots of their family's past, it wouldn't be fair to throw them away completely, the girls may want them too as it's their childhood after all.

You have genuine concerns about family acceptance etc and they need to be addressed, but taking them out on the photos is a misdirection.

December2012

Honestly? I think you're wayyy out of line

Those pictures were taken at am important time in his life. That was the start of his family. You are also part of his family. You didn't erase his past.

It is his home, he should be allowed to store his things there. It did not seem as if they are in your face or are embarassing.

Your insecurity is coming out.

You should apologise

Katgurl

Sorry I haven't explained clearly.

I didn't / don't want him to throw photos away. I keep some things in an album in my mum's house. He doesn't have a mum's house closely so that's not an option. He does however keep a lot of boxes in the shed with files and lots of stuff that i would never go near as that's his stuff.

We are currently in rented accommodation, we are tight for space with his kids etc.

When I said I was unpacking I wasnt unpacking boxes moving in, we were there a while and I was clearing stuff in one of the bedside lockers as I was getting the house organised and that's when I discovered all the framed photos of his ex on her own. I don't want photos of his ex in our new bedroom and I don't think that's unreasonable. I wouldn't have photos of my ex there. The next batch of photos (wedding etc) are also in frames and in a cupboard with our stuff. I was upset when I saw them, but you are correct, the photos are not the issue.

I don't know what to do about two upset I feel. I can apologise and pretend it's all fine but i know I will still be upset about his remark about his family. I should add I am very involved with his kids who will be siblings to the new baby and make a huge effort to keep things friendly with the ex (the pair of them can go nuclear however).

Katgurl

December2012 wrote: »

Honestly? I think you're wayyy out of line

Those pictures were taken at am important time in his life. That was the start of his family. You are also part of his family. You didn't erase his past.

It is his home, he should be allowed to store his things there. It did not seem as if they are in your face or are embarassing.

Your insecurity is coming out.

You should apologise

Well it is our home allegedly but often I feel like a house guest.

He is allowed store his things there and he does. I don't go near his stuff because that's his own stuff. I don't want framed photos of his ex smiling at me from my bedroom shelf however. Likewise I don't want wedding photos to fall out on top of me when I'm taking out some pillow cases. I think it is unnecessary to have unpacked those into our shared things.

And the problem isn't the photos or that he had another family first. The problem is that he referred to his ex and their kids only as his family while I was not included nor our child.

I'll just add one comment, I'm sure plenty others will weigh in with everything else.

You've got a lot going on here. New partner, new home and new baby on the way. I'm currently pregnant and pregnancy can cause your emotions to swing wildly.

So all that may be going on is that you are making a lot of adjustments while dealing with a pre existing family dynamic and being pregnant to boot.

You need reassurance and tlc. Apologise for smashing the plate. Ask clearly for what you want and need from your partner. Give yourselves time to sort the kinks and boundaries.Things will work out.

Oh and congratulations!

bee06

They are his family. That doesn’t mean that you and your baby can’t be his family as well or that he doesn’t see you as his family. To be honest, I’d say this is a case of pregnancy hormones. They can make you feel all sorts of things that you wouldn’t normally feel.

Big Bag of Chips

He doesn't have the framed photos out on display in the sitting room. Men are different about things like this. They were thrown into a drawer/press somewhere. Like it or not they are photos of his family. You were never married. He was. He had a wedding day. He married the mother of his children. I understand you are upset but you entered into a relationship with a man with an ex wife and children. Throwing plates and dumping photos in the bin is bordering on psycho behaviour. If he threw a plate in an argument with you, I'm sure you would be quite scared.

You can't measure him by what you would do. Like I said men are different. I think the photos mean something much bigger to you, than they do him. Talk to him. Apologise for being a bit crazy (don't cheapen your pregnancy by blaming hormones!). Try talk to him and get him to see your point of view. But also, accept that he has a past, and he has an ever present past. He loved her enough at one point to marry her. He doesn't have to have any feelings for her today, but those photos are of his family. The children had 2 parents living together at one point. You can't erase all that. He has it hidden away. That should be enough.

andekwarhola

You shouldn't have binned them, full stop. I'd be pretty annoyed if I was him.

Big Bag of Chips

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

don't cheapen your pregnancy by blaming hormones!

What an inflammatory comment. Hormones are a likely reason for the highly emotional response. Acknowledging their role in the OP's upset is being realistic and putting the issue in perspective, not "cheapening the pregnancy"!

Hormones can simultaneously be a causal factor and not an excuse.

Purpletoes

I can empathise with your issue of something seemingly trivial being a big deal. My kids dad regularly used to say off the cuff fly away things that used to cause massive trauma in our house because of my upset and his dismissal of my feelings.

Men and women feel differently about things and I would bet money as far as he was concerned the photos were out of sight and out of mind once he had put them on the shelf.

I can understand why you feel hurt at the fact he said his ex was his family but as you will soon learn (and I don't mean to patronise) his children's mother will always be a large part of his life.

I think that only you truly know deep down why you had a nerve hit by his comment but it's really understandable that you feel insecure now. You are dealing with lots of different things, pregnancy is an emotional roller coaster at the best of times and on top of it you have the added stress of teenaged drama, being a step mom and having an ex wife (no matter issues the nicest person on the planet, she will always be your partner's ex)

I think of i were you is apologised for the plate, explain why his comment cut you so much and give him the chance to give you a hug and some reassurance. Hopefully will use his common sense 😉

Don't be so hard on yourself, it's really hard to stay rational when you are emotional but he is with you, committed to you home and sharing his other children with you. I don't think you need to worry.

Katgurl

Thanks for the replies.

I am sorry for smashing the plate and throwing his photos in the bin but he knows that.

I spoke to him already about being upset to find photos of his ex in the bedside locker and he said he was sorry and should have put them away when I asked him to instead of leaving them out in our bedroom for a week. He said there were no more in the house. I got a shock when I saw all the photos of them together. I know from the kids that she cut hers up. Now I feel like I can't even sort things out in our house because I don't know what will fall out on top of me. If I had moved in with him I would feel differently. In fact I wouldn't have moved into his place because I wanted us to build our own home together.

Also, just because I wasn't married doesn't mean I don't have my own past or important memories.

The photos are quite likely the wrong thing to be upset about. I feel like I am making constant adjustments and doing all the work to keep the whole thing together - his relationship with his kids and his dealings with his ex. Then to be overlooked as a member of his family. Sigh. I am rambling. I am exhausted with it all. I know blended families are tough and that's that but i am finding it hard and this has hurt my feelings

My own parents are broken up so I am possibly measuring my expectations by how they behaved but there is absolutely no way in hell either of them would have kept old lovers photos around their houses with new partners.

bee06

"Katgurl wrote: »

Then to be overlooked as a member of his family. Sigh. I am rambling. I am exhausted with it all. I know blended families are tough and that's that but i am finding it hard and this has hurt my feeling.

I don’t understand why you feel overlooked? Just because he sees them as his family it doesn’t mean that you’re not.

Sam Quentin

Do you actually realise this woman and then their kids were his life his everything.. Lets not beat about the bush here, if she was his first REAL love then you or no man, woman or beast will reduce, erase etc his deep seated feelings for her.. That's something you need to remember, if you can't live with that eg: Ignore some pics, comments, talk of memories etc.. Then you need to remove yourself from this life that YOU chose with this man and his children.. It won't and shouldn't be your way or the highway.. Men have feelings to you know.. And some of those feelings last a long time.......

Malayalam

You are jealous. Jealousy is a horrible emotion to have to deal with and to accept in oneself. We all have it to some degree or other, we have to own it when we do, and depending on life circumstances our jealousy button is active or hidden. Your jealousy is provoked. When things go round and round in the head the best way to resolve them is to name them and fully accept they are there - no blaming others, no excuses for oneself, just riding out the full acceptance that this is wholly you at this time. There is really no need to do anything else as once we are completely honest with ourselves our psyches will work to rebalance. So no efforts at faking healing needed, trust that will happen when you accept your self honestly. You are doing grand, just working your way through a bit of a fcuk up. That's life.

On the practical issues put his photos safely away yourself. Some people could be asked forever to do something and never get around to it. His children will need them in the future. Don't put them where they might get damage, like in the shed. He had a marriage, children, deep love. That is the way it was. He is with you now because he loves you. Really loves you. It's going to be awesome having a baby together, you have lots of joy and love ahead of you. Get back to the good things - laughing, lightness, love, acceptance, small happiness's, wit, fun, and a mature dark sense of humour when his ex and the daughter do their thing . We can all be dicks, so why not them too.
Congratulations on your pregnancy and best of luck.

Katgurl

Sam Quentin wrote: »

Do you actually realise this woman and then their kids were his life his everything.. Lets not beat about the bush here, if she was his first REAL love then you or no man, woman or beast will reduce, erase etc his deep seated feelings for her.. That's something you need to remember, if you can't live with that eg: Ignore some pics, comments, talk of memories etc.. Then you need to remove yourself from this life that YOU chose with this man and his children.. It won't and shouldn't be your way or the highway.. Men have feelings to you know.. And some of those feelings last a long time.......

I appreciate you taking the time to reply but I think this is silly. There is no way you can tell if my boyfriend has deep seated feelings for his ex.

I'll say it again. Just because I did not get married does not mean I don't have a past or special memories. For one, we were raised very differently, we are from different cultures. He would never have slept with anyone before his wife. I lived a different lifestyle. Just because I didn't marry my ex doesn't mean that I didn't love him the same. I chose to live with him and it was not my choice to not have kids.

I think suggesting i leave with my baby because I came looking for advice on how to deal with feeling hurt and upset by his carelessness is a massive leap.

Katgurl

Katgurl wrote: »

I appreciate you taking the time to reply but I think this is silly. There is no way you can tell if my boyfriend has deep seated feelings for his ex.

I'll say it again. Just because I did not get married does not mean I don't have a past or special memories. For one, we were raised very differently, we are from different cultures. He would never have slept with anyone before his wife. I lived a different lifestyle. Just because I didn't marry my ex doesn't mean that I didn't love him the same. I chose to live with him and it was not my choice to not have kids.

I think suggesting i leave with my baby because I came looking for advice on how to deal with feeling hurt and upset by his carelessness is a massive leap.

yeah, but like it or not, when there are kids involved things are different. It's more that it's their family than his family id imagine. He'd hardly have them were they not there, but you can see why he'd want to keep pictures of their birthday parties or whatever. Short of cutting her out of them or sticking your face over hers is there much you can do?..unfortunately it's a feature of the times in which we live. Had you kids previously you wouldn't even consider discarding pictures of the first five years of their lives.

Katgurl

Malayalam wrote: »

You are jealous. Jealousy is a horrible emotion to have to deal with and to accept in oneself. We all have it to some degree or other, we have to own it when we do, and depending on life circumstances our jealousy button is active or hidden. Your jealousy is provoked. When things go round and round in the head the best way to resolve them is to name them and fully accept they are there - no blaming others, no excuses for oneself, just riding out the full acceptance that this is wholly you at this time. There is really no need to do anything else as once we are completely honest with ourselves our psyches will work to rebalance. So no efforts at faking healing needed, trust that will happen when you accept your self honestly. You are doing grand, just working your way through a bit of a fcuk up. That's life.

On the practical issues put his photos safely away yourself. Some people could be asked forever to do something and never get around to it. His children will need them in the future. Don't put them where they might get damage, like in the shed. He had a marriage, children, deep love. That is the way it was. He is with you now because he loves you. Really loves you. It's going to be awesome having a baby together, you have lots of joy and love ahead of you. Get back to the good things - laughing, lightness, love, acceptance, small happiness's, wit, fun, and a mature dark sense of humour when his ex and the daughter do their thing . We can all be dicks, so why not them too.
Congratulations on your pregnancy and best of luck.

Thank you so much. This is so helpful. I have read it over and over

Katgurl

[Deleted User] wrote: »

yeah, but like it or not, when there are kids involved things are different. It's more that it's their family than his family id imagine. He'd hardly have them were they not there, but you can see why he'd want to keep pictures of their birthday parties or whatever. Short of cutting her out of them or sticking your face over hers is there much you can do?..unfortunately it's a feature of the times in which we live. Had you kids previously you wouldn't even consider discarding pictures of the first five years of their lives.

Thanks.

I never asked him to discard any pics. I asked him originally to put away photos of just her somewhere I wouldn't happen upon them again. He didn't, he left them in our room. I lost my temper when they were still there a week later as I didn't think I should have to keep asking and I threw them in the bin. I felt bad as I did think his kids would like them and I said sorry. He said he didn't care and he shouldn't have left them around.

I definitely don't want him to throw away photos which include their kids. He lived alone when I met him, photos on display everywhere, none with his ex in them. I don't want to happen upon photos when I'm pulling the cereal out of the cupboard. He made the decision not to have her on display, he could have made the decision to put them with his documents in his storage boxes.

Yes I chose to move in with him. But he chose to move in with me too. He also chose to leave his wife at great expense and pain for his children. He would not have done that lightly. If he is still harbouring feelings he should not have progressed things with me. It was him not me who wanted to move things along to cohabiting. He would be hard pressed to find anyone else that would make the efforts I make with his kids and his ex. He wants this baby as much but truthfully probably more than I did. Expecting me to be ok with him describing a group of people not including me as his family is never going to sit right.

Malayalam

Katgurl wrote: »

Thank you so much. This is so helpful. I have read it over and over

I honestly wish you the best. While I have not often experienced jealousy, it is mostly because of a quiet introverted lifestyle, one fairly trad husband, and a tame past on both our behalfs. Not because I am not capable of it - I am capable of most things! On the thankfully occasional times that I have experienced jealousy, I found it overwhelming and corrosive. So, I do sympathise, it ain't an easy one. But it is really natural, so just be honest, forgive yourself and get on with life. It occured to me after I wrote to you that the pictures include pictures of your baby's siblings too, so one day they may even be very valuable to you, obnoxious and all as those siblings may sometimes seem. And you mentioned ''framed'' photographs several times - I can almost bet my bottom dollar that he is not responsible for having put them in frames, he just took what he was given :pac: By the way, keep your own stuff too, your own photos and memories put away somewhere safe. There may come a cosy time in twilight years when ye can both have a smile together going through old boxes

lawred2

Binning the pictures was outrageous. I hope that you were able to recover them.

yeah, read over you post again after I'd posted that and realised it was more the pictures of her you were objecting to..ah, its a messy situation..hope ye can come to some arrangement..the comments from your mother and everything doesn't make matters any easier..

Rachiee

You seem very fixated on the words he used to explain why the puctures are important to him "because they are my family"
When people say things we often assign our own meaning to them based on our fears insecurities and life experiences
When he said "they are my family" you interpretted his meaning to exclude you, when really the statement was in answer to a direct question regarding the people in those photographs.
they are his family and they will always be his family, that does not mean he doesn't consider you and your baby his family (that is meaning you yourself have attributed to his statement) there is nothing in what he actually said to indicate that his words have the meaning you have put on them.
You are his family and they are his family the two do not need to be mutually exclusive.

Katgurl

Rachiee wrote: »

You seem very fixated on the words he used to explain why the puctures are important to him "because they are my family"
When people say things we often assign our own meaning to them based on our fears insecurities and life experiences
When he said "they are my family" you interpretted his meaning to exclude you, when really the statement was in answer to a direct question regarding the people in those photographs.
they are his family and they will always be his family, that does not mean he doesn't consider you and your baby his family (that is meaning you yourself have attributed to his statement) there is nothing in what he actually said to indicate that his words have the meaning you have put on them.
You are his family and they are his family the two do not need to be mutually exclusive.

Thank you. You have hit the nail on the head there. That is exactly what I did. I will talk to him later when we are both home and explain. The words cut me while I was simply exasperated by his leaving the photos lying about (he is careless).

Thanks.

Big Bag of Chips

Mystery Egg wrote: »

What an inflammatory comment. Hormones are a likely reason for the highly emotional response. Acknowledging their role in the OP's upset is being realistic and putting the issue in perspective, not "cheapening the pregnancy"!

Hormones can simultaneously be a causal factor and not an excuse.

I think the response from the OP would have been the same regardless of whether or not she was pregnant. In fairness to her she hasn't even mentioned the pregnancy herself as an excuse.

My comment wasn't meant to be inflammatory, OP, but you are pregnant with this man's child. You are starting your own family unit. That should be a positive thing. I think this jealousy goes deeper than pregnancy hormones and it would be a pity to wave it off as "don't mind me, I'm pregnant". You have a lot of work to do. I know you say it is unfair that you have to make all the effort, but welcome to the world of step-families. And welcome to the world of parents! He has a family. Like it or not. And teenagers can be notoriously stroppy, moody, rude. It's just easier to handle when it's your own because you have that bond, love and history with them. You are together a relatively short time. You met the children as teenagers.

You need to try find a way to work this out. Things are never going to be picture perfect. Things are never going to be "normal'. You haven't started a clean relationship with a man with no baggage. There is lots of baggage and its ever present in your life. Counselling might be good for you. Both personal counselling and counselling as a couple. Communication is already breaking down in your relationship. A new baby adds tiredness like you've never known. Tiredness inflammes even the most minor of issues. If you don't make an attempt to work through this now, your relationship may not make it out the other side.

Katgurl

lawred2 wrote: »

Binning the pictures was outrageous. I hope that you were able to recover them.

If he wanted to take back the photos of his ex (on her own) he could have lifted the lid on the recycle bin and taken them back out. I offered to get them back myself, he said not to bother. Then he could have put them away with his things like I asked or given them back to her like he said he had intended to do a week previously. He said he didn't even know he had them and they are her pics. I was annoyed he couldn't take two minutes to take them off our bedroom shelf.

lawred2

Katgurl wrote: »

If he wanted to take back the photos of his ex (on her own) he could have lifted the lid on the recycle bin and taken them back out. I offered to get them back myself, he said not to bother. Then he could have put them away with his things like I asked or given them back to her like he said he had intended to do a week previously. He said he didn't even know he had them and they are her pics. I was annoyed he couldn't take two minutes to take them off our bedroom shelf.

Him leaving them in the bin is likely a case of appeasement given the scene really.. doesn't mean he wanted them in the bin.

You threw them out, you should have got them out regardless of what he said. If he then binned them then all well and good. But should have been up to him.

Katgurl

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

I think the response from the OP would have been the same regardless of whether or not she was pregnant. In fairness to her she hasn't even mentioned the pregnancy herself as an excuse.

My comment wasn't meant to be inflammatory, OP, but you are pregnant with this man's child. You are starting your own family unit. That should be a positive thing. I think this jealousy goes deeper than pregnancy hormones and it would be a pity to wave it off as "don't mind me, I'm pregnant". You have a lot of work to do. I know you say it is unfair that you have to make all the effort, but welcome to the world of step-families. And welcome to the world of parents! He has a family. Like it or not. And teenagers can be notoriously stroppy, moody, rude. It's just easier to handle when it's your own because you have that bond, love and history with them. You are together a relatively short time. You met the children as teenagers.

You need to try find a way to work this out. Things are never going to be picture perfect. Things are never going to be "normal'. You haven't started a clean relationship with a man with no baggage. There is lots of baggage and its ever present in your life. Counselling might be good for you. Both personal counselling and counselling as a couple. Communication is already breaking down in your relationship. A new baby adds tiredness like you've never known. Tiredness inflammes even the most minor of issues. If you don't make an attempt to work through this now, your relationship may not make it out the other side.

Thanks bboc. I don't want to brush it off as pregnancy crazy either.

Just to address a few points - I had my eyes wide open entering a broken family that it would be hard. I experienced my own parents messy breakup and their subsequent relationships. I find the eldest's daughter behaviour unsettling at times (too complicated to get into here) but at least she talks to me. Her mother does her best to have her in her house as seldomly as possible. The mother starts fights with my boyfriend in front of the kids and drags them into it. I often feel like I'm the one who is looking out for the kids in all of it. So it hurt a lot to feel dismissed as a member of the family. I only want one baby as there are siblings already. I'm not hoping we get a fresh start. I love this man and that includes him being a dad because that is the focus of his life.

A previous poster put it into perspective that I attached meaning to his words that aren't necessarily there. I will explain this to him later.

I am tired all the time and extra sensitive to comments my mother or his daughter say that I could otherwise recognise as their issues.

I also worry that if I don't address these issues I won't be able to cope when baby comes. I am going to book some counselling.

December2012

I think you have terrified this man.

Your reaction was so over the top that he is probably scared to say no to you. He tried to placate you and you still lost the plot.

Make no bones about it, he was in a no win situation once you put his property in the bin.

Don't cod yourself that he's ok with you throwing his things out by him leaving his stuff in the bin.

Katgurl

lawred2 wrote: »

Him leaving them in the bin is likely a case of appeasement given the scene really.. doesn't mean he wanted them in the bin.

You threw them out, you should have got them out regardless of what he said. If he then binned them then all well and good. But should have been up to him.

And if he didn't want to get rid of them he could have been straight with me about that. He shouldn't have said he'd deal with it then not bothered.

You can be outraged all you like. I find a suggestion I should look at framed photos of my boyfriend's ex in our bedroom outrageous.

Saying he was trying to appease me is one theory. Another is that he was telling the truth when he said had forgotten about his promise and regretted upsetting me. He printed off photos of the two of us and me on my own that week and put them in our room and around the house. So I believed him.

I wish he had then taken the opportunity to put away the other photos properly. But as I have said over and over now the photos are not the issue.

Malayalam

Katgurl wrote: »

He printed off photos of the two of us and me on my own that week and put them in our room and around the house. So I believed him.
.

Awwwwww That's really sweet. Haha I've been married 30 years and I swear to God he maybe has one photo of me, and I think I look like a heffalump in it

bucketybuck

Katgurl wrote: »

If he wanted to take back the photos of his ex (on her own) he could have lifted the lid on the recycle bin and taken them back out.

You should not have binned his photos, and you should not be blaming him because you binned his photos.

He isn't a robot with pre-recorded "men" responses, no doubt he has plenty of his own complicated thoughts and feelings about both his previous relationships, his children, and about your recent actions. I wouldn't dismiss the point so glibly as "he could have taken them back out if he wanted to".

And honestly, if he had taken them back out can you say for a fact that you wouldn't be angry about that as well? That you wouldn't see that as further evidence that he values his past above your present wishes?

You are angry at the guy because while unpacking boxes in a small house you found old pictures of his, could you blame him for struggling to sympathise here?

By the way, you kept mentioning that the photos were framed, and said that people don't keep pictures framed as if ready to be displayed again. I'm sorry but thats just wrong, in my experience once a picture gets framed it stays framed, if he is keeping old pictures at all then he is just going to leave them as they were in the original frame, there is nothing untoward about that at all. You make it sound as if he is waiting for you to turn your back some day and he will have them up above the fireplace.

If I were you I'd be equally worried about the effect this could have on your relationship with his kids as they're staying with you for half the week - imagine how they'll feel when they find out you've binned pictures of their parents!
Unforgivable.

Katgurl

bucketybuck wrote: »

You should not have binned his photos, and you should not be blaming him because you binned his photos.

He isn't a robot with pre-recorded "men" responses, no doubt he has plenty of his own complicated thoughts and feelings about both his previous relationships, his children, and about your recent actions. I wouldn't dismiss the point so glibly as "he could have taken them back out if he wanted to".

And honestly, if he had taken them back out can you say for a fact that you wouldn't be angry about that as well? That you wouldn't see that as further evidence that he values his past above your present wishes?

You are angry at the guy because while unpacking boxes in a small house you found old pictures of his, could you blame him for struggling to sympathise here?

By the way, you kept mentioning that the photos were framed, and said that people don't keep pictures framed as if ready to be displayed again. I'm sorry but thats just wrong, in my experience once a picture gets framed it stays framed, if he is keeping old pictures at all then he is just going to leave them as they were in the original frame, there is nothing untoward about that at all. You make it sound as if he is waiting for you to turn your back some day and he will have them up above the fireplace.

Ok I am going to explain this again in detail.

I did not unpack them out of boxes. I clarified this already. They were in a bedroom locker. And he WAS sympathetic even though he didn't mean to be, he said sorry (which I didn't expect as I wasn't annoyed) and he'd get rid of them. I said to him grand to keep them if you want but please put them away with your stuff. He said he would give them back to her as they were hers anyway. Then he plonked them on the bedroom shelf and said he would deal with it later. I said please do because I am not upset now but if I have to continue looking at them I will get upset that you couldn't be bothered. He said don't worry, I will do it. Then he presumably (as this is what he told me and I trust him) forgot. I was annoyed. He is messy and careless in general but I had specifically asked him to do this we had an argument. I threw them in the recycle bin. I said sorry and offered to take them back out as he had said they were hers. He said not to bother and it didn't matter. I believe him as I generally find him very direct.

If you don't believe him then i think you're projecting based on your own style of communication.

Also I have stated many times that I am angry about what he said not about the photos. I never said I was angry with the guy because I found some photos in a box. I wanted him to put them into a box with his other stuff.

Katgurl

[Deleted User] wrote: »

If I were you I'd be equally worried about the effect this could have on your relationship with his kids as they're staying with you for half the week - imagine how they'll feel when they find out you've binned pictures of their parents!
Unforgivable.

Yeah well hopefully they won't find out. It happened five months ago so I don't know why it would come up now. Their mother cut up all the photos of their father in front of them. I guess people learn to cope.

Also they weren't photos of their parents, it was one parent. Their mother. He could have given the photos back to her as he had suggested or he could have put them into his boxes with his files and other keep-sakes. I assume he has lots of other photos in there. That's fine. They are his.

Assuming they do find out I would be honest and say I was sorry and explain that I did it when I was upset

If they can't forgive me I guess I'll live with that.

Whispered

Op reading here I can say "oh way out of line" etc but I think my emotional reaction would be similar. It would take me a while to think logically about it. I'd often have an emotion about something, be aware that it's not warranted or logical yet still feel the emotion. Granted I usually wouldn't act on the emotion but I totally understand why you felt such upset at finding the pictures.

I also "read into every word" as my husband says. I tend to choose words carefully, he doesn't, so a throwaway comment will mean nothing to him but will lodge in my mind. I guess it's a case of really getting to know, and accepting, each other's communication style.

You seem to know what you want to do now. i hope you're feeling better.

As an aside, the idea of pregnancy hormones being a small part of mood and behaviour isn't true for some women. It's a massive part for some women. I never suffered PMS before I had a baby either. Pregnancy turned me into another person for the duration and a good while after. Even now I struggle really badly for 2/3 days out of the month. Honestly i always believed that some women use hormones as an excuse for their behaviour. I look back on pregnant and new mother me and hate myself for how I felt and reacted. Truth be told I should have asked for help. But I didn't see it at the time. While I don't think that is what is happening here, I wanted to mention it in case someone feeling similarly is reading.

Malayalam

Don't mind people getting uptight about the binned photos, every relationship has its own weird passionate ecosystem, and every act is nuanced. Black and white words don't convey that. All of us do have a secret drama queen in our hearts
As for breaking the plate, I once stood at the back door and calmly and even leisurely threw every single plate and dish we had at a brick wall across the lane. It was fabulously cathartic, and I cannot even remember what I was upset about.
PS The dishware was not expensive either, the second hand odds and ends that make up most of the material possessions in our lives, so maybe its good to have a stock on stand by...just in case.

bucketybuck

Katgurl wrote: »

Ok I am going to explain this again in detail.

You didn't need to, I read it perfectly well the first time. I just have a different opinion on how you are coming across.

I feel for the guy, I really do, because now he has two women fighting with him and in at least one of the cases I can't see that he has done much wrong.

Katgurl

bucketybuck wrote: »

You didn't need to, I read it perfectly well the first time. I just have a different opinion on how you are coming across.

I feel for the guy, I really do, because now he has two women fighting with him and in at least one of the cases I can't see that he has done much wrong.

He voluntarily apologized for a situation (that I wasn't giving out about) and offered to do something. I was clear I would be upset if he didn't follow through. Then he didn't do it. So that's what he did wrong there.

We argued about him not following through on his promise, not about having photographs. I reacted by throwing the photos in the bin. So that's what I did wrong there. We both apologized. He said he didn't care about the photos. We made up.

We had a new argument months later. He said something which upset me. On reflection I don't think he meant it that way.

Katgurl

Katgurl wrote: »

I assume he has lots of other photos in there. That's fine. They are his.

.

So were the others that you binned!!

How big of a factor is your mother in this - you said she's digging away at you and the situation the whole time? How's your relationship with her in general? Is that nitpicking and planting ideas a common theme with her? If so, do you think you're possibly taking out your frustrations with your mother on your partner?

ps. - i hope I'm not coming across harsher than I mean to btw! it's not a nice situation to be in on either side of the fence here.

lawred2

Katgurl wrote: »

And if he didn't want to get rid of them he could have been straight with me about that. He shouldn't have said he'd deal with it then not bothered.

You can be outraged all you like. I find a suggestion I should look at framed photos of my boyfriend's ex in our bedroom outrageous.

Saying he was trying to appease me is one theory. Another is that he was telling the truth when he said had forgotten about his promise and regretted upsetting me. He printed off photos of the two of us and me on my own that week and put them in our room and around the house. So I believed him.

I wish he had then taken the opportunity to put away the other photos properly. But as I have said over and over now the photos are not the issue.

I'm not outraged. Why would I be outraged about what some strangers are at?

I said the act of throwing out the pictures was outrageous. And regardless of how you see it - I believe that you should have gotten them back out of the bin.

You come across very defensive to me.

Katgurl

[Deleted User] wrote: »

So were the others that you binned!!

How big of a factor is your mother in this - you said she's digging away at you and the situation the whole time? How's your relationship with her in general? Is that nitpicking and planting ideas a common theme with her? If so, do you think you're possibly taking out your frustrations with your mother on your partner?

ps. - i hope I'm not coming across harsher than I mean to btw! it's not a nice situation to be in on either side of the fence here.

Yeah they were his (or hers actually) and I didn't want him to get rid of them. I don't think our bedroom shelf is the place for them however.

Yes my mother is nitpicking. She has a lot of issues and I've always been aware of this. I try to let it wash over me byt it's a battle to not engage. She was scathing when I said I always make an effort to get on with his ex, invite her in, contact her if there is an issue with the kids or whatever. My mother firmly believes I should put her in the enemy camp, we should hate each other on sight and it's naive to think differently. I suspect its important for her to believe that nobody ever moves on from their marriage. I don't share that belief and think I should do my best to rise above awkwardness for the good of the kids. Incidentally i don't care if the ex does hate me (don't think she does actually, think she is happy I get on with the kids).

When I refer to her as his ex my mother corrects and says "she's his WIFE". He doesn't say this. They are legally separated and on track for divorce +four year wait must be observed). She was doing this before she met him so I know it's based on her own stuff not anything she's observed. I know I am letting her get under my skin.

Despite my best intentions to keep my mother's incessant dialogue out of my head when he referred to them (and in my mind) not me as his family I felt like I'd been kicked in the guts.

Katgurl

lawred2 wrote: »

I'm not outraged. Why would I be outraged about what some strangers are at?

I said the act of throwing out the pictures was outrageous. And regardless of how you see it - I believe that you should have gotten them back out of the bin.

You come across very defensive to me.

I keep my promises and I expect my boyfriend to do the same.

Maybe you don't and maybe consuequently you wouldn't expect your partner to either.

That's fine. We are all different.

lawred2

Katgurl wrote: »

I keep my promises and I expect my boyfriend to do the same.

Maybe you don't and maybe consuequently you wouldn't expect your partner to either.

That's fine. We are all different.

Alrighty then - I'm out. All the best.

Big Bag of Chips

Katgurl, I know you are emotional about this, but you say the photos were away in a locker. So in his mind they were "away" like you asked him to put them. You then are saying you don't wnt to be looking at photos of his wife on a shelf in your bedroom. Were they displayed on a shelf in your bedroom or are you just exaggerating your point? You have to see that he obviously thinks differently to you. You asked him to put the photos away. He put them away. You asked him to sort them out. And a week later you weren't happy they weren't sorted out. Maybe in his mind they were sorted out. Or in his mind he wasn't placing as much importance in that job as you were. Not because he didn't want to pack away the photos but purely because they weren't important in whatever else needed to be done in that week.

You are going to have to accept that you have different "standards". And when the baby comes, if he changes the nappy and he doesn't change it as "neatly" as you would then it's not wrong, it's just his way! Same with this. The photos weren't on display. They weren't framed up around your house. In his mind they were "away" - forgotten about, unimportant. For you they weren't "away" properly enough. I don't see that he has done anything hugely wrong. You overreacted to a situation because your expectations were higher.

Am I reading this right that this all happened 5 months ago?

Katgurl

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Katgurl, I know you are emotional about this, but you say the photos were away in a locker. So in his mind they were "away" like you asked him to put them. You then are saying you don't wnt to be looking at photos of his wife on a shelf in your bedroom. Were they displayed on a shelf in your bedroom or are you just exaggerating your point? You have to see that he obviously thinks differently to you. You asked him to put the photos away. He put them away. You asked him to sort them out. And a week later you weren't happy they weren't sorted out. Maybe in his mind they were sorted out. Or in his mind he wasn't placing as much importance in that job as you were. Not because he didn't want to pack away the photos but purely because they weren't important in whatever else needed to be done in that week.

You are going to have to accept that you have different "standards". And when the baby comes, if he changes the nappy and he doesn't change it as "neatly" as you would then it's not wrong, it's just his way! Same with this. The photos weren't on display. They weren't framed up around your house. In his mind they were "away" - forgotten about, unimportant. For you they weren't "away" properly enough. I don't see that he has done anything hugely wrong. You overreacted to a situation because your expectations were higher.

Am I reading this right that this all happened 5 months ago?

Ok I appreciate I have not been clear.

There were two photograph 'incidents'.

The first one was five months ago and it was those photos I threw in the bin. They were in a bedside locker and of his ex on her own. I wasn't annoyed when I saw them. I suspected he didn't know they were there (I still believe this). He had said before in a conversation about other people that he didn't bring photos of his ex when he left. I remember the comment because I was surprised at the time. I gathered them up when I found them and put them into a shoebox, I couldn't put the lid on the box as the frames too big. He said he'd get rid of them and sorry he left them there. I said he didn't need to throw them away, he might want them later or to show to his kids? So to put them into his storage boxes. He said he'd just give them back to her. Then he plonked the box on the shelf on my side of the bed. I said well whatever you decide to do, do not leave them there because that will severely annoy me if I have to look at them. He said he wouldn't and he'd give them to her over the next couple of days. I said again I'm serious, please don't make me ask about this again. Put them wherever you want out of but don't leave them there or I will be looking at them and I know I'm not immune to the green-eyed monster, I'm just being straight with you. He said don't be silly, of course I'm not going to leave them there and I said I'm trusting you to remove them yourself. Hence why I was so upset when he didn't bother. And yes I know loads of people would not care one jot but would have major issues with other stuff that I take in my stride. And this looked like a straightforward arrangement.

Then there was the row and the photos went in the bin. I felt awful about it and not least because I wished I could not care but I had been honest with him that I did.

Anyway the other photos of his wedding etc came out of the cupboard yesterday. I was exasperated that he had more (he told me he didn't and in hindsight probably didn't realise) and they were lying around. All the big complicated stuff we seem to deal with well so it just seems ridiculous that something so teenageresque is the cause of a row.

I was irritated with the photos. I put it down to him not being arsed.

But it was the family comment that made me utterly lose my ****. I have a sister who regularly loses her temper and I despise that sort of behaviour. I feel very confused by my plate smashing reaction and wonder am I feeling secure in this relationship at all or just fooling myself. And if not, why not?

Katgurl

Katgurl wrote: »

Yeah they were his (or hers actually) and I didn't want him to get rid of them. I don't think our bedroom shelf is the place for them however.

Yes my mother is nitpicking. She has a lot of issues and I've always been aware of this. I try to let it wash over me byt it's a battle to not engage. She was scathing when I said I always make an effort to get on with his ex, invite her in, contact her if there is an issue with the kids or whatever. My mother firmly believes I should put her in the enemy camp, we should hate each other on sight and it's naive to think differently. I suspect its important for her to believe that nobody ever moves on from their marriage. I don't share that belief and think I should do my best to rise above awkwardness for the good of the kids. Incidentally i don't care if the ex does hate me (don't think she does actually, think she is happy I get on with the kids).

When I refer to her as his ex my mother corrects and says "she's his WIFE". He doesn't say this. They are legally separated and on track for divorce +four year wait must be observed). She was doing this before she met him so I know it's based on her own stuff not anything she's observed. I know I am letting her get under my skin.

Despite my best intentions to keep my mother's incessant dialogue out of my head when he referred to them (and in my mind) not me as his family I felt like I'd been kicked in the guts.

I think this is the root of your problems as opposed to your partner to be honest.....possibly its easier to lash out at him (with some justification to be fair if they were on display - I misunderstood and took them to be away in a closet!) that it is to confront your mother and tell her to back to f**k off!

Katgurl

[Deleted User] wrote: »

I think this is the root of your problems as opposed to your partner to be honest.....possibly its easier to lash out at him (with some justification to be fair if they were on display - I misunderstood and took them to be away in a closet!) that it is to confront your mother and tell her to back to f**k off!

No no they weren't 'on display'. I should clear that up. They were in a bedside locker initially so that's not the worst but he has all his other stuff packed up and I thought he should put them with those things. Then they were in an open box on the shelf beside my bed. I asked him whatever he did to please not leave them there (I know I'd be noseying through and wanted to resist the temptation).

Re my mother. You are right that she is at the root of this upset. We have had the odd painful conversation over the years about how she treated me. To be honest it's too painful and it's damaging to our relationship so instead of talking it through again with her I try to filter that stuff out. She was quite mean when I met him and still makes the odd jibe. My dad treated her terribly, he cheated constantly and openly in front of mutual friends. He totally humiliated her. I understand on some level it is really important for her to believe that because she was his wife or his first wife or whatever that she has a 'higher ranking'. She seizes opportunities almost gleefully to put me back in my box. I have never believed that everyone pines for their ex-spouse. The relationship ended, it may have been good once but not anymore. I wouldn't have entered into a relationship with some sort of acceptance that I'd always come after the ex wife in terms of priorities (totally accept I come after the kids - that is how it should be).

I guess I have some stuff to sort out in my head. I don't even think boyfriend is the man to talk to, I think I need to speak to a counselor.

Dial Hard

Katgurl wrote: »

I feel very confused by my plate smashing reaction and wonder am I feeling secure in this relationship at all or just fooling myself. And if not, why not?

You are together over a year (I'm presuming that means not much over) and are already pregnant and living together. That's very early days for any relationship, let alone one where there's a previous marriage and kids involved, so I'm not really surprised that the going is starting to get tough.

How long was he separated before you guys got together? Again, it can't be that long if he's still in the four-year waiting period. I think it's very possible that he rushed into this relationship, barrelled his kids along for the ride, moved things with you along quicker than you necessarily wanted (going by your comments on it being him that pushed moving in together & having the baby) and now the cracks are beginning to show somewhat.

It's very difficult to be in a post-marriage relationship. I'm divorced myself and my ex is his with his partner almost seven years now and I know from mutual friends that they still have a blazing row every time my name is mentioned (which is unavoidable at times, because we still share a lot of friends).

Personally, that is not a way I would want to live my life. As others have said, jealousy is one of the worst, most pointless emotions anyone can feel. It sounds like you are having major issues accepting the fact that your unit won't be his first family unit. Perhaps some counselling to address those feelings might be a good idea.

Katgurl

Thanks dial hard.

I don't honestly and truly ever have a reaction like what you described there. In fact I think that people who go into a post-marriage relationship not realising that they have to make it work with everyone; the kids, the ex are naive, immature and selfish in the extreme. I find myself mediating their rows more than anything (money, childcare issues) and always encourage him to be reasonable and try to point out her pov. I am very friendly to her and while I don't know if she's hurt by his new relationship I sincerely hope she isn't. I also try to encourage the kids to get on with her when they are struggling and I try to shield them from their parents rows or ease their anxieties. I had a stepdad who rubbished my dad at every opportunity. I hated it and would never ever want them to feel like I did.

I don't know where this reaction is stemming from. I felt devastated by his words, completely disregarded. I know his daughter does her best to disregard me and undermine me but that's a complicated teenage response.

ETA : I did panic after we moved in that things had gone too quickly. It also occurred to me and I don't know honestly if this is unfounded or not that because their breakup was so acrimonious (and she came out on top I suppose) that him moving on, moving in and impregnating someone else at the speed of knots was possibly partially revenge driven.

I also know that I've never really had a truly peaceful fulfilling relationship even though I crave one so badly. I am afraid I am sabotaging it because I'm afraid to really let it unfold and take all the risks associated with that.

Neyite

Katgurl wrote: »

I feel very confused by my plate smashing reaction and wonder am I feeling secure in this relationship at all or just fooling myself. And if not, why not?

Katgurl wrote: »

I did panic after we moved in that things had gone too quickly. It also occurred to me and I don't know honestly if this is unfounded or not that because their breakup was so acrimonious (and she came out on top I suppose) that him moving on, moving in and impregnating someone else at the speed of knots was possibly partially revenge driven.

I would explore this feeling as the possible root of your insecurity and jealousy. I think anyone in your position would feel jealous or insecure at times, I know I probably would. And a blended family is hard to navigate particularly when it's so new. You've got a lot of new stuff going on at the moment plus dealing with negativity from your mother, the ex and the step-daughter.

There are some folk who are unable to be alone, so much so that when a relationship is failing they are like a monkey lining up the next vine to grab before letting go of the previous one. He could be someone like that? But if you are feeling like your relationship was based on a "fcuk you" to his ex then it's no wonder you are feeling off balance, particularly since there is now a baby on the way, and you'd obviously like to have the relationship baby is born into based on more than revenge on an ex.

In our house, we would never bin anything belonging to each other and we are together yonks. I'm not sure what's in 'his' locker, and vice versa I'm sure. When we first moved in with each other, the OH had a box of keepsakes and as far as I can remember, there was some ex-related stuff in it. It was his and his memories and I've no right to those. For a good while it was in his side of the wardrobe (and I'd see that box every time I opened the wardrobe) and I think it came with us when we moved, so we were 4+ years together at that point. I didn't see it in the last house move so it's possible he got rid of it, or it's in some box of obsolete stuff that went straight to the attic but I've no idea.

The point is, just because he's got love letters or a photo of someone he loved in that box, it did not detract from us or make us lesser as a couple, probably because I was secure he wanted to be with me because he wanted to be there. If I had an inkling though that he was with me because he wanted to stick it to his ex, then I'm sure that box would have bothered me a lot.