Boyfriend giving ultimatum

GingerLily

I would leave my partner if he was a prolife activist - does that make me controlling? I don't know but I couldn't be with someone who was actively involved with something I so strongly am against.

I guess we all know the referendum was going to tear relationships and families, and this is just an example of this.

Anne1982h

Forget about the referendum and how polarising it is. This simply comes back to the following:

My partner wants to do X which my partner has a strong interest in and feels passionately about. My partner doing X will take up some of her free time but otherwise has no impact on me. However, I don’t want my partner to do X. So I threaten to end the relationship unless my partner does what I say (stops doing X).

Controlling behavior plain and simple and a big red flag to the OP. What if he decides he doesn’t like other things you want to do? Or other decisions you want to make around your career for example - a promotion you really want but which will be hard work and possible stressful for you and he doesn’t want you to take it - will the threat to leave you come up again unless he gets his way - if kids are then involved will you be backed into a corner? It’s worrying and I would not take it lightly. There is a reason we took ‘to obey’ out of the marriage vows.

Ursus Horribilis

GingerLily wrote: »

I would leave my partner if he was a prolife activist - does that make me controlling? I don't know but I couldn't be with someone who was actively involved with something I so strongly am against.

Would you issue an ultimatum to them though? The OP's boyfriend appears to be willing to continue the relationship if she doesn't campaign. I think that's the difference.

GingerLily

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

GingerLily wrote: »

I would leave my partner if he was a prolife activist - does that make me controlling? I don't know but I couldn't be with someone who was actively involved with something I so strongly am against.

Would you issue an ultimatum to them though? The OP's boyfriend appears to be willing to continue the relationship if she doesn't campaign. I think that's the difference.

That's a fair point, no I wouldn't give an ultimatum, I would leave.

splinter65

If he decided to go door to door campaigning to retain the 8th and attending rallies, carrying banners shouting slogans etc how would you feel OP?

Smegging hell

I'd keep on campaigning, OP. Political campaigning is healthy in a democracy, the referendum wouldn't be happening in the first place without it.

It's fine if he disagrees with you on the issue, but his behaviour in this regard sounds blackmailing. As others have said, I'd be concerned it might set a dangerous precedent if you give in.

Lynnington3

Thanks so much for all the replies.
In response to those asking how I would feel if he decided to campaign for the other side : I’ve known his stance on the issue for years ( and he has known mine) and I wouldn’t for one second try and blackmail him to not take part in anything he wanted to do. Anything.
I very much respect democracy and respect that of course not everyone has the same views.
I would never hold that against him and I have told him as much.

splinter65

Lynnington3 wrote: »

Thanks so much for all the replies.
In response to those asking how I would feel if he decided to campaign for the other side : I’ve known his stance on the issue for years ( and he has known mine) and I wouldn’t for one second try and blackmail him to not take part in anything he wanted to do. Anything.
I very much respect democracy and respect that of course not everyone has the same views.
I would never hold that against him and I have told him as much.

I think you’ve answered your own questions OP. You consider his current stance to be controlling and threatening and you feel blackmailed.
Your certain that if the boot were on the foot you would not react in a similar way.
I would think that at the very least some time apart is needed.
I would tell him that your going to continue campaigning and that you don’t want to discuss it any further with him.
Let him take it from there, the ball is in his court.

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5

Is he clear on what this will entail? If he's having visions of you and a load of repeal activists around the kitchen table every evening strategising or something I can see why he'd be against it, but the ultimatum is still bad form. As Eviltwin says, it really doesn't have to be a huge time commitment.

His idea of the abuse you'd be subjecting yourself to, is he following the debate online and particularly social media, even if he's not participating? Because if that's someone's only impression of it, that fear would make sense, but, thank fcuk, most people are not so mouthy to people's face. If you're on their doorstep and they're not interested, they generally want to end the interaction, not escalate it.

Seeing as you're in a LTR with someone with opposite views on the issue I have to assume you're not strident or dogmatic or judgmental in those views. Is it possible that he's thinking campaigning will essentially radicalise you and lead to the end of the relationship anyway?

It's an incredibly emotive issue and there's probably conflict of some sort in loads of all types of relationships going on right now. He might calm down and see it's a bit rash to throw away a five year, happy relationship over this. I wouldn't budge if I were you, firstly on principle and secondly because it really seems there's a good chance it's a bluff.

Neyite

Mod:

Keep the replies on topic and addressed to the OP helping her resolve her issue.

Also keep it civil -whichever side you are on.

There were posts deleted which failed one or more of those points.

lawred2

Lynnington3 wrote: »

I’ve been very happy in my relationship with my boyfriend of 5 years. Recently I decided to get involved with my local Pro Choice group for campaigning and canvassing my local area to try and achieve a yes vote in the upcoming referendum on the 8th amendment. This is something I’ve felt strongly about for years. I’ve been very active on social media sharing my views and have bought plenty of merchandise such as hoodies and badges in support of the cause, but I felt like it was time I got off my ass and was actually proactive about it.
However, my partner has very pro life / anti choice views. I respect his views and we have had many friendly arguments regarding the issue.
When I told him I was getting involved with the campaign he was fuming with me. He said I was putting myself in for a lot of trouble, getting doors slammed in my face and called all sorts etc. I am fully prepared for this and explained to him that all that is normal when canvassing for any issue. He was not convinced and then he said if I decided to go down this route he wants nothing to do with me. At first I shrugged the threat off as him just being angry but the next day he said the same and said I had a choice to make : him or this “stupid campaign” I’m going on.
I am in shock. I have no idea what to say or do. I know I can’t let anyone try to control and manipulate me like that but I also don’t want to throw away 5 years of a relationship...
Any advice would be very helpful

Maybe he's looking for an easy out of the relationship... Yet this way in his head he can hold you responsible for any breakup.

lawred2

FTA69 wrote: »

Some of the comments here are ridiculous. The OP says she wants to be involved in the pro-choice campaign a bit, she might be leafleting or canvassing for a few hours one evening a week. She isn't running off to Syria to join a militia for the year. People saying she should "concentrate on her relationship" should cop on, people have free time in a relationship and they're entitled to do what they want with it. .

Fairly obvious why some people would choose to say that...

kunst nugget

BnB wrote: »

I'm sure the OP or the Admins don't want this to turn into an Pro/Anti Abortion debate but FFS.... you can't just put that out there as if it is some kind of fact...!!!! That is the kind of BS that makes people who are still on the fence want to vote No.

'I was going to vote Yes until someone on an anonymous forum said something I disagree with so now I'm going to vote No just to show them…' Give over.

In relation to the OP, if you are happy to let your other half campaign as they see fit and they are not happy to reciprocate than that would point to a substantive difference in outlook and attitude beyond political viewpoints which could become more contentious in the relationship. In this case, I would call his bluff, if he dumps you over this then you've probably saved yourself a lot of hardship down the road.

Hercule Poirot

Lynnington3 wrote: »

Thanks so much for all the replies.
In response to those asking how I would feel if he decided to campaign for the other side : I’ve known his stance on the issue for years ( and he has known mine) and I wouldn’t for one second try and blackmail him to not take part in anything he wanted to do. Anything.
I very much respect democracy and respect that of course not everyone has the same views.
I would never hold that against him and I have told him as much.

As others have said I think you've answered your own question here. I appreciate that it's a very sensitive issue and it can split people who would previously would have thought of themselves as like minded individuals but the fact remains that you have a democratic right to campaign for an issue that you passionately believe in - if he cannot accept your stance or that you are so passionate about it then I'm afraid that's entirely down to him - you are who you are and you should never let anyone blackmail you into being something other than that, regardless of the outcome

homerjay2005

FTA69 wrote: »

She isn't running off to Syria to join a militia for the year.

she isnt doing something trivial either, its not like she his being stopped from meeting her friends or going to the shops.

maybe the OPs boyfriend is disgusted at the notion that his girlfriend would be so vocal and active on supporting the termination of innocent lives?

lawred2

homerjay2005 wrote: »

she isnt doing something trivial either, its not like she his being stopped from meeting her friends or going to the shops.

maybe the OPs boyfriend is disgusted at the notion that his girlfriend would be so vocal and active on supporting the termination of innocent lives?

Didn't expect my conjecture to be backed up so soon...

Either way, he's known about her position for five years so why is it only now that he's so disgusted?

Maybe he's concerned about the curtain twitching types who will now all be made aware that he's shacked up with one of those...

He was happy when he could keep her behind closed doors?

Anne1982h

homerjay2005 wrote: »

she isnt doing something trivial either, its not like she his being stopped from meeting her friends or going to the shops.

maybe the OPs boyfriend is disgusted at the notion that his girlfriend would be so vocal and active on supporting the termination of innocent lives?

If he does have that view then they should definitely break up as they are incompatible.

Phonehead

Anne1982h wrote: »

If he does have that view then they should definitely break up as they are incompatible.

Just about to post this, they are clearly incompatible. However it seems from the boyfriends point of view they are only incompatible when she expresses her beliefs publicly. Sorry OP, I think you know the answer to your question.

NinetyTwoTeam

i think you're seeing his true colors OP - an anti choice man exhibiting controlling behavior towards a woman he's in a relationship with is not exactly surprising.

something that might be of use to you, that you could even show your boyfriend: go onto the paddypower website, in the political section, and you'll see that repeal is long odds on to go through (meaning it's a dead cert). the 8th will be repealed whether you personally campaign or not. but that doesn't mean you shouldn't be able to do it if you want, and if everyone just stayed home thinking other people would handle the issue that could be very dangerous.

im a guy and couldn't imagine being with a woman who is anti-choice, their views on choice are just so alien to me, and i find people who hold those views to be very different to me on other issues as well. it's so divisive and each side is certain they're right.

a 5 year relationship seems like a big deal, but I've had 2 relationships of that length or more go down the drain and while it sucked at the time and took a while to recover from, I'm grateful that it happened before we got to marriage/kids stage because we just weren't the right people for each other.

if you decide to just let it go and stay with him I think you'll harbor some resentment which will manifest later in another disagreement. and you will be setting a precedent for him to be basically 'in charge' and you can forget about him supporting any other feminist views you might have. I don't see how someone who feels strongly enough about repeal to want to campaign actively for it could want to spend their life with someone who is anti-choice, it's a big clue as to how they feel women should be treated and whether they feel women are equal.

dudara

homerjay2005 wrote: »

she isnt doing something trivial either, its not like she his being stopped from meeting her friends or going to the shops.

maybe the OPs boyfriend is disgusted at the notion that his girlfriend would be so vocal and active on supporting the termination of innocent lives?

@homerjay2005 - please take note of the previous mod warning. No imflammatory language and focus on giving advice

dudara

Airyfairy12

Id campaign anyway. How dare he try to control you that way. If he breaks up with you over it it was never meant to be.