Boyfriend giving ultimatum

Lynnington3

I’ve been very happy in my relationship with my boyfriend of 5 years. Recently I decided to get involved with my local Pro Choice group for campaigning and canvassing my local area to try and achieve a yes vote in the upcoming referendum on the 8th amendment. This is something I’ve felt strongly about for years. I’ve been very active on social media sharing my views and have bought plenty of merchandise such as hoodies and badges in support of the cause, but I felt like it was time I got off my ass and was actually proactive about it.
However, my partner has very pro life / anti choice views. I respect his views and we have had many friendly arguments regarding the issue.
When I told him I was getting involved with the campaign he was fuming with me. He said I was putting myself in for a lot of trouble, getting doors slammed in my face and called all sorts etc. I am fully prepared for this and explained to him that all that is normal when canvassing for any issue. He was not convinced and then he said if I decided to go down this route he wants nothing to do with me. At first I shrugged the threat off as him just being angry but the next day he said the same and said I had a choice to make : him or this “stupid campaign” I’m going on.
I am in shock. I have no idea what to say or do. I know I can’t let anyone try to control and manipulate me like that but I also don’t want to throw away 5 years of a relationship...
Any advice would be very helpful

killanena

Speaking as a man, we can be very stubborn and set on our ways. But he has no right to use your relationship as leverage against your views.

But my advice is follow your beliefs and even if it does break you up and ye were meant to be it won't be a permanent break up. If it turns out to be permanent then you weren't.

I've followed this rule in all my relationships and even my current one of 6+ years about 2 years ago, except this time we got back together stronger then we ever were.

strandroad

I can imagine breaking with someone over views that are unacceptable to me, but it wouldn't take me 5 years to discover them.
Is his ultimatum over your campaigning specifically, and not your views as such? Why?

Simi

Lynnington3 wrote: »

He was not convinced and then he said if I decided to go down this route he wants nothing to do with me. At first I shrugged the threat off as him just being angry but the next day he said the same and said I had a choice to make : him or this “stupid campaign” I’m going on.
I am in shock. I have no idea what to say or do. I know I can’t let anyone try to control and manipulate me like that but I also don’t want to throw away 5 years of a relationship...
Any advice would be very helpful

Leave him. If he's threatening you for expressing your firmly held beliefs, it's time to end it.
What would happen if you experienced a crisis pregnancy in the future, or if you have kids and one of them is involved a crisis pregnancy?

Being anti abortion is one thing, but being in favour of retaining the eight amendment is an extremist, misogynistic position. Do you really believe the two of you will ever be able to square your conflicting views satisfactorily?

mojesius

Five years is a long time, so this must be really hard for you. It's quite normal (and healthy) for couples to have opposing views, both should respect the other's position, even if they vehemently disagree.

You respect his views but he won't respect yours. And he's willing to throw away your relationship to get you to back down from your position, with this ultimatum.

What if you choose to get involved in another campaign further down the line or more generally, to choose a certain path for yourself? Will he throw this ultimatum in your face again? What if you have kids together and they become passionate about something he disagrees with?

It's grand to strongly disagree but he's being a bit controlling in my opinion.

meeeeh

Is he embarrassed about your views? They were fine when they were expressed only at home or on social media where some of his especially older relatives or friends wouldn't see them. Now you are going to campaign and he can't pretend anymore that your views are similar to his.

Whatever the reason I would find it very uncomfortable if someone threatened me with break up because of this. I won't advise you to leave him because you seem to be in a happy relationship otherwise but I would ignore his demands and campaign and then it's up to him to decide what to do. If nothing else you will find out if there is a controlling streak in him or is he just panicking and dealing with the situation very poorly.

Purpletoes

Is it being misunderstood (maybe I'm just a fool). Is he genuinely concerned for you safety or is he actually just completely against you beliefs?

If it was the first id be inclined to try and talk it out again. If the latter is call his bluff. 5years is a long time but so is the 50 odd years ahead of you and trust me, arguing parental issues is really hard, so do you really want to risk doing that with someone who is likely to threaten to leave as some sort of punishment of you dont back down? (I know you haven't mentioned kids and I'm assuming you even want them!)

Hercule Poirot

Myself and my OH have been together for 12 years and we don't agree on every issue, but the idea of a partner not allowing someone to campaign for something they believe in or feel passionate about is absurd

Maybe he's genuinely worried that you might be abused or insulted while campaigning for a sensitive issue like this but the very notion of throwing down an ultimatum is ridiculous in the extreme

My advice, not that I'm not an expert, would be to talk with him and explain that this something you are passionate about and that while you don't expect him to join you tell him that he should at the very least allow you to do something that you want to do and that he has no right to throw down an ultimatum like this and unfortunately, if he is serious, then I can't see the relationship lasting much longer anyway

Mongfinder General

If you were pro life or pro choice and spent a significant amount of your spare time campaigning I’d take the same approach as your boyfriend. It’s a very intensive topic and would impugn your relationship in the sense that you’d be spending your energy on a campaign rather than a relationship. Both sides of the debate have absolute headers involved. He clearly doesn’t want the attention. We’re in the calm before the storm right now. But watch how it escalates throughout April and May. Lifelong friends at each other’s throats, calling each other murderers, fascists and baby killers. I wouldn’t want to have to live with that.

FizzleSticks

This post has been deleted.

GingerLily

Mongfinder General wrote: »

If you were pro life or pro choice and spent a significant amount of your spare time campaigning I’d take the same approach as your boyfriend. It’s a very intensive topic and would impugn your relationship in the sense that you’d be spending your energy on a campaign rather than a relationship. Both sides of the debate have absolute headers involved. He clearly doesn’t want the attention. We’re in the calm before the storm right now. But watch how it escalates throughout April and May. Lifelong friends at each other’s throats, calling each other murderers, fascists and baby killers. I wouldn’t want to have to live with that.

I'm pro choice myself and I actually understand your boyfriends view on this even though I disagree on the side he's taking.
He might find it difficult even if you were campaigning prolife? Activists can be quite intense

Jenneke87

Thank you for taking the time to campaign. I was faced with a crisis pregnancy at a young age while living in Ireland and had to travel back home to get the abortion. I would love to see that come to an end, so thanks for your effort.

You need to find out how serious your partner is. It would be shocking if he dumped you over this. Sure, he's angry, dissapointed most likely because your fighting for-in his eyes- the wrong side, but he could also look at it from a different perspective: he has a partner who is socially involved and fighting for what she believed is right. If more people did that the world would be better for it. If he feels it might reflect badly on him then he needs to get over himself: you're campaigning, not killing puppies. Good luck and thxs for all your work.

Addle

GingerLily wrote: »

I'm pro choice myself and I actually understand your boyfriends view on this even though I disagree on the side he's taking.
He might find it difficult even if you were campaigning prolife? Activists can be quite intense

There's no discussing it with many activists I know.

OP, does he think you're putting yourself in some sort of danger?

homerjay2005

Lynnington3 wrote: »

I am in shock. I have no idea what to say or do. I know I can’t let anyone try to control and manipulate me like that but I also don’t want to throw away 5 years of a relationship...
Any advice would be very helpful

you accuse him of manipulation yet you want to go out and manipulate people into voting for how you believe they should vote!

He isnt right to give such an ultimatum but im sure at some stage in the relationship youve done something like this or will do so in the future for something you dont want him to do. from my experience, the people involved in extreme measures of this campaign (on both sides) tend to be very agressive people and i dont think you need to put yourself into that suituations do you?

my advice - let people make up their own minds, we are a democracy after all and stay out of the campaign and look after your relationship.

mojesius wrote: »

You respect his views but he won't respect yours. .

this is nonsense. "respecting views" and being an activist in a potentially very volatile campaign are two different matters completely. from what the OP has written, theirs no induction of either of them not respecting the others views.

Bambi985

It’s gone from being a difference of opinion just between the two of you, to something you’re going “public” with as it were so I can understand his reaction. I don’t agree with it or endorse it obviously, but perhaps he’s concerned about the friction it’s going to cause among his peers and family, the questions and raised eyebrows from older conservative relatives etc.

There’s a great difference between having an opinion and becoming an activist for that opinion, the latter of which is going to define your public image and attract all sorts of unsavoury attention especially when it’s sonething as emotive as abortion

eviltwin

He needs to get over himself. There is no reason why campaigning should take over your life. I manage to do it and I work full time and have a partner and kids. I do a few hours a week max, nothing wrong with that.

I appreciate he doesn't agree with your views but he knew that anyway. If he can't handle it that's his problem not yours. He can't try and control you and an ultimatum is all about control.

As someone who is canvassing it's not dangerous and unless your friends and family are all members of Youth Defence no one will care.

Tbh I'd be more concerned about how living with someone so vocally pro life would affect you if you or someone you love ever has a crisis pregnancy or needs a termination for whatever reason.

Anne1982h

You are campaigning for a referendum that is on in two months time and he is giving you an ultimatum to either not campaign or break up. I would take this as a massive red flag.

He is threatening you to DO WHAT HE WANTS or BREAK UP. Where will this stop? Ok you don’t want to break up so you don’t campaign. What about if he doesn’t want you to go on a girls holiday? To take a promotion in work that will take up lots of your time? To send the kids to a specific school or do a specific activity he disagrees with?

A relationship can’t work if one person threatens to end it if they aren’t getting their way. I would also worry given the nature of this referendum - if you ever had children could you count on him to support you if you or they had a crisis pregnancy? It doesn’t appear you could - indeed this could be another scenario where if you don’t go along with what he wants he will threaten you with ending the relationship.

Overall this doesn’t seem to come from a place of concern for you but rather from control and I would find that very worrying. He is also making you choose. I would sit him down and say you are campaigning for this, it’s only for two months and it’s something you feel strongly about. Say you don’t want to break up with him but if HE wants to end the relationship over it then that is his choice. Let him decide. But consider this a red flag either way.

woodchuck

I agree this sounds very controlling. I can see why he wouldn't be happy about you campaigning given his personal views on the issue, but it's something you're obviously passionate about. There's nothing stopping him from campaigning for the opposing side if he wanted to. To give you an ultimatum like that is madness.

I'd have a serious chat with him about this again. Try to make him see that actually HE'S the one potentially throwing away the relationship on a campaign, not you.

Sephiroth_dude

Do not let him control you, if you give in now where does it end?

georgina toadbum

I don't envy you OP.

You're campaigning for Pro-Choice yet your partner isn't happy with your choice to do that. Five years is a long time to be with someone but I don't know if I could continue in a relationship with someone who was trying to control me like that.

homerjay2005

Sephiroth_dude wrote: »

Do not let him control you, if you give in now where does it end?

they are together 5 years, op has given no indication that he is controlling her what so ever.

animaal

For me personally, I'd be reluctant to become involved with an activist for any cause - religious, political or social. It' wouldn't necessarily be a deal-breaker, but I wouldn't be interested in the potential for drama, intolerance, and for a single issue to absorb so much attention.

Your partner's concern might not all be about doors being slammed in your face. He might not be up for listening to this type of attitude towards him:

Simi wrote: »

Being anti abortion is one thing, but being in favour of retaining the eight amendment is an extremist, misogynistic position.

Perhaps not from you, but from new people that are going to be in your circle from now on.

It's ok for either of you to finish the relationship over a "red-line" issue. You have as much right to find his position distasteful.

In this case it's him pushing the red button. *If* you want the relationship to continue, then you need him to open about what he's really thinking, so you can both address it properly.

TheBoyConor

Op if I were you I'd call his bluff. Proceed with your campaign.
If he breaks up with you then he clearly isn't as committed to the relationship as you thought.

And more importantly, I would be worried that he is using this issue as a power play int he relationship to test your will and to see if he can control you.
For example, if you cave in on this and appease him to keep him from breaking up then he will have "won" and will think that when push comes to shove he will be able to influence you with breakup threats. If you appease him this time, you may find that he becomes worse and throws strops and threatens breakup every time he isn't getting his way.

OP. This is not a healthy relationship. This is the beginnings of control, manipulation and ultimately emotional abuse.
In a normal healthy relationship both people have the right to have their views respected by the other without having the other tantrum and threatening things.

I really don't think this is about the 8th or pro choice/life. This is about him being a controlling abuser and manipulator.
Call him on it. You deserve better than this treatment.

Summer In the City

If the shoe was on the other foot would you be happy if he was out on the streets campaigning to save the 8th?

I have a few friends heavily involved in the Repeal movement and I am making a very conscious decision to give them a wide berth until this all blows over and I'm on the same side as them.

Ann84

This is a bit much on his part - you are fully entitled to get involved and campaign for something you feel is important and I totally get that, so thanks.
It isn’t right that he is threatening to end your relationship and must be very sad - he is putting you in a difficult position - if you don’t campaign like you want to, will you regret it? Will you be telling him that he can dictate to you in the future?

My husband is pro choice but has no interest in campaigning or getting involved any more than voting but like you I want to support the campaign as I feel it’s massively important to share information to people who may want it - difference is my husband just said off with me! - I couldn’t imagine him threatening me to bully me into not doing something - it is really weird and it’s not like your asking him to do anything!

Pity he can’t be more supportive even if he doesn’t agree with your view and isn’t a good reflection on him as a partner.

FTA69

Some of the comments here are ridiculous. The OP says she wants to be involved in the pro-choice campaign a bit, she might be leafleting or canvassing for a few hours one evening a week. She isn't running off to Syria to join a militia for the year. People saying she should "concentrate on her relationship" should cop on, people have free time in a relationship and they're entitled to do what they want with it. Likewise people are entitled to hold beliefs and act upon those in a reasonable manner. Fair enough some people believe in a "keep your head down" position when it comes to politics, that's common in Ireland, but at the same time they don't have a right to dictate to people who get off their arse either.

I'm a political activist OP, and my partner isn't nearly as political as me and we've had a host of disagreements. She went out and knocked doors for the Greens despite me being a member of Labour locally. We often had big discussions but were always respectful of each other and that was that.

You are fully entitled to participate this and should be proud of that fact. Your partner is behaving disgracefully and you should be questioning is domineering, controlling behaviour.

Sephiroth_dude

homerjay2005 wrote: »

they are together 5 years, op has given no indication that he is controlling her what so ever.

Threatening to break up unless she changes her views or unless she stops campaigning is called controlling someone.

BnB

Simi wrote: »

Being anti abortion is one thing, but being in favour of retaining the eight amendment is an extremist, misogynistic position. Do you really believe the two of you will ever be able to square your conflicting views satisfactorily?

Retaining the 8th Amendment is extremist & misogynistic...!!!!!

I'm sure the OP or the Admins don't want this to turn into an Pro/Anti Abortion debate but FFS.... you can't just put that out there as if it is some kind of fact...!!!! That is the kind of BS that makes people who are still on the fence want to vote No.

amdublin

Oh gosh this is a really difficult one. 5 years is a long time to be together. I'm strongly pro choice and pro repeal so I'm finding it hard to side with him.

I'm trying to reverse it. Let's say you are pro life and want to canvass and he's throwing the strop.

I think I would say that if he does this over your beliefs on this he will do it again for the rest of your life. I think it is indicative of his attitude.

Is he a little bit spoiled/likes things his own way??

Personally, I know 5 years is a long time now but I think you should consider walking away and consider it lucky you found out about hike now not having to endure his attitude for the next 20 years.

Sephiroth_dude

I would personally continue campaigning and call his bluff see if he goes ahead with this threat, if he does well it shows he doesn't respect you and that you're better off without that kind of childish behaviour.

Ursus Horribilis

I'm pro choice and that's the way I'll be voting in the referendum. I've got relatives and and a couple of friends who I know are on the other side of the fence. Some have gone to the marches and one or two are campaigning on Facebook. I'll never agree with them on their views but I've no intention of getting into a row over it. We live in a democracy and everyone should be entitled to express their views even if we don't agree with them. The way I see it, their views on the 8th don't define them as people. There's a lot else that's good about them and what they're saying comes from a genuine place.

In the case of your OP, I think you should do your campaigning. He doesn't have to like your views but he shouldn't be issuing ultimatums like this. It is controlling behaviour and if you give in to this, it's setting a dangerous precedent. He might never have thought about this before but once it happens the first time, there's no guarantee it won't happen again