Are once off mistakes forgivable?

vg88

Simply put, if a long term girlfriend made a **** up and slept with someone else is there anyway a once mistake can occur or is it a sign that it's over?

racso1975

That all depends on you. I can tell you what I think but that's really no use to you as you have to live with your decision.

What I would say is if you decide to make a go of it you need to be able to draw a line under it. So it can't come up every argument, ya can't go getting super paranoid everytime she goes out or be constantly wondering everytime she gets a text etc. Very hard things to do but for you it may be harder to move on and start a fresh while still having a wondering feeling that should you have tried again.

To make thing work though your partner does have to be honest about why it happened cause if it is a relationship prob ye need to work on it or them and that could require professional help.

Whatever it is you decide best of luck.

KERSPLAT!

Whether it's over or not depends on you and your other half. If she can get over it and you can forgive then that's a start.

It's not something I could get over I don't think but everyone is different. Once the trust is gone I believe it would be near impossible to regain, but maybe not impossible.

You have some tough choices to make, OP.

banoffe2

A difficult thing to live with it will always be there, trust key in any relationship.

Big Bag of Chips

I would suggest that if you want to try move on from it that you do. But realise that you don't have to continue if you find it too difficult. Just because you make the decision to stay and try doesn't mean you do not have the right to end it in 6 months/2 years etc if you are simply finding it too difficult.

There's no harm in trying and many couples do move on afterwards, but there's also nothing wrong with admitting you can't do it either.

Gorgeousgeorge

Its not a **** up though. A **** up is putting the wrong fuel in the car. She slept with someone else morr too it than that

Pohappiness

moloner4 wrote: »

Simply put, if a long term girlfriend made a **** up and slept with someone else is there anyway a once mistake can occur or is it a sign that it's over?

Never in a million years. The feeling of being disrespected in the worst way possible would never go away. Plenty more girls out there that will not do that. If she slept with someone else then the relationship was over for her women generally don’t cheat just for the sake of it. Hard times op but you will get stronger if you move forward alone,, for now. Good luck, guy. My heart is with you

Exclamation Marc

Forgivable yes. Forgettable no.

It's all down to the person. I was cheated on years ago and forgave the girl but never forgot about it and constantly got the fear when she was out on mad nights out which at times crippled me.

It still hurt months later and eventually found out she had talked to the guy again after I had forgiven her.

Simply put. If I could go back now, I'd tell myself to walk away. There are so many wonderful people out there who would rather throw themselves over hot coals than cheat on their other half.

Maryg3

Gorgeousgeorge wrote: »

Its not a **** up though. A **** up is putting the wrong fuel in the car. She slept with someone else morr too it than that

I agree with this person calling it a **** up is just sugar-coating it for you gf. What she did was just wrong period. Ask yourself if it was the other way round would she be as so forgiven towards you? Sorry for what happened to you you deserve more respect then that, everyone does!!

My cousins gf was like that she made a **** up once on him, swore it was a once off would never do it again. Problem was she went on to ****ing up for a whole 2 years after that behind his back with everyman she could get her hands on!!

baby and crumble

I used to believe it was black and white, now- after being in a relationship a long time- I can see there are grey areas. It would be difficult I think, but in my experience people don't randomly fall into bed with someone who isn't their partner unless there's something else going on. Whether that's a problem in the relationship, a problem elsewhere that's clouding judgement, too much alcohol... none of these are excuses, more like explanations. You have to decide if you want the explanation. She mightn't even know what that is, which is why she's saying its a total once-off. Yeah, it probably is but it doesn't come out of nowhere.

bucketybuck

Having sex with another person isn't a mistake, its a choice.

Having sex with another person despite already being in a relationship is also not a mistake, its an active choice that the person made with full knowledge that it would be a scummy thing to do, yet went ahead and did it anyway.

This isn't being pedantic, you need to recognise what you are dealing with before you can decide what to do about it, and dealing with a conscious choice that she made is different to dealing with a mistake.

Exclamation Marc

I should also stress that there are so many points where someone realises they're doing wrong before they have sex with someone else.

It's one thing being drunk and kissing someone or being by kissed by someone and immediately realising your mistake (still an awful thing to do however) whereas sex requires someone to pass through multiple morality checkpoints where they know they're doing wrong.

Tokyo

bucketybuck wrote: »

Having sex with another person isn't a mistake, its a choice.

I would argue that the world isn't this black and white.

Having sex with someone once can be a mistake. Going back a second time is a choice.

I've been in this situation, and all I can say OP is that it's not insurmountable, but you do have a tough road ahead of you. It all really depends on both of you - whether you want to make the effort to get past this and onto something better, or whether it's something you simply can't let go of. And it really does come down to this. There's no point in trying if every time you get angry, you bring it back up again as leverage in an argument, or throw it in her face any time you want her to feel guilty.

bucketybuck

mike_ie wrote: »

I would argue that the world isn't this black and white.

Having sex with someone once can be a mistake. Going back a second time is a choice.

Nope, I simply don't accept that. Just my opinion of course.

You don't lie on your back with another man between your legs and not know that what you are doing is cheating. Its not one of those things that changes with context or with further information, if you have a boyfriend that doesn't know about whats happening but you find yourself straddling some other guy there is no point in that scenario that you can say, "this isn't cheating".

Sex is something that actually requires full consent and knowledge of what is occurring, otherwise it would be rape. So when you go ahead with it you it is a choice you make.

Vicxas

A kiss I could maybe forgive as it can happen very quick and be over just as.

Sex requires a lot more consideration and thought. The ago ol' adage of "I just slipped and landed on it" doesn't really work....

vg88

Unfortunately I'm starting to believe that it may not have been a mistake and there was something behind it.

It'll be resolved this weekend and I'll update then.

Exclamation Marc

moloner4 wrote: »

Unfortunately I'm starting to believe that it may not have been a mistake and there was something behind it.

It'll be resolved this weekend and I'll update then.

Just bear in mind that what has happened will stick with you. As someone who's been cheated on, it was impossible for me to forget it. You may be stronger than that but just remember that forgiving will not change the fact that it happened and will always be in your history.

LegacyUser

It wasn’t a mistake, but regardless it doesn’t need to spell the end. You can talk through whatever led to the infidelity, if you’re both committed to sorting things out. No-one can tell you what’s going to work for you as a couple - that’s for you to figure out.

Been there, done that. Far from easy, but no reservations in our case.

ASISEEIT

I know a couple who split up because of a male going offside. They split and eventually got back together. I was always amazed he told her he had gone offside. It happens more than you think. They went on to have three kids. Remember we all sin differently-there are things I would do that you would not do and vice a versa. Our sin comes out in various ways. Poor friendships, etc etc Dont be put off by the word sin-it simply means damaging relationships

Mr. Incognito

If you were married and had kids- Maybe I'd work on it

Outside of that, nope- plenty more fish- good bye

ASISEEIT

Mr. Incognito wrote: »

If you were married and had kids- Maybe I'd work on it

Outside of that, nope- plenty more fish- good bye

A tad simplistic -they might be together for years and yes while many fish in the sea-some fish are more special than others! And No I never cheated. Never put myself in that position but I think a lot of people who find themselves in the position of temptation will succumb . More than you think.

ManOfMystery

I sometimes buy milk on the way home from work, and if I'm in a rush and have a million things running through my mind whilst I shop for it, occasionally I accidentally lift the full-fat milk instead of the semi-skimmed variety my wife prefers. 

That's a mistake.

Having sex with someone else? That usually requires a degree of flirting, foreplay, attraction, then the actual sexual act itself. It could be over in 5 mins or it could go on for hours, but either way it's a choice and once the person chooses to do it, they're putting their own gratification over their responsibilities to you and your relationship - and that speaks volumes.

ASISEEIT

ManOfMystery wrote: »

I sometimes buy milk on the way home from work, and if I'm in a rush and have a million things running through my mind whilst I shop for it, occasionally I accidentally lift the full-fat milk instead of the semi-skimmed variety my wife prefers. 

That's a mistake.

Having sex with someone else? That usually requires a degree of flirting, foreplay, attraction, then the actual sexual act itself. It could be over in 5 mins or it could go on for hours, but either way it's a choice and once the person chooses to do it, they're putting their own gratification over their responsibilities to you and your relationship - and that speaks volumes.

All true and a lot of us would not be here but for foolish mistakes! We all sin differently

Maryg3

ASISEEIT wrote: »

I know a couple who split up because of a male going offside. They split and eventually got back together. I was always amazed he told her he had gone offside. It happens more than you think. They went on to have three kids. Remember we all sin differently-there are things I would do that you would not do and vice a versa. Our sin comes out in various ways. Poor friendships, etc etc Dont be put off by the word sin-it simply means damaging relationships

I agree with you on this to a certain extent!! However he OP is obviously paranoid about this already and in a lot of doubt which is natural with something like this playing on his mind when he had to post about it, don't get me wrong there are lots of couples who have come out the other side of an affair or infidelity, but them people must be very strong minded about there relationship being worth saving and are able to move on, but Tbh I wouldnt myself be one of those people and I wouldn't encourage it on someone that has to go through this!

In my opinion she made a conscious choice, she knew it was wrong if she didn't she wouldn't have told him. But she knew it was wrong and still made the choice to have sex with another man. It one thing a relationship fizzling out and falling in love with someone else without acting upon it before ending the current one, but it another thing sleeping with someone else while in a committed one!! don't see any going back from that,

But it's up to him if he can fair play. If not he can at least walk away from this with his head held high

morphman

Hi op
I am going through something's like this at the mo. 17 years of marriage and 3 kids. The deed is not what gets me it's the deceit and lies used to facilitate it all
10 months going on.....

ASISEEIT

We all sin differently. Think about that. Sex is a big deal but so are other transgressions. Addiction . Emotional distancing. Being a tax cheat. Stabbing a colleague in the back . You could be faithful as a golden retriever but commit other offences . Im always amazed at the amount of Pharisees on these forums though i fear most wont get the reference and no im no holy joe
So yes sex outside a relationships is a big no no but there are sins of an equal nature which are often over looked

Arrival

To sleep with someone else a person has to consciously think that they find this other person, that isn't their partner, attractive and desirable. They have to engage with this person, all while aware that they feel the above for them, and communicate sexual interest with them. They then have to go with this person to wherever it is that they have sex. They walk inside the home, apartment, hotel etc. with this other person, that isn't their partner, and get undressed with them. Then they start kissing them and it leads to having sex.

My wording and terminology may be silly, but my point is that there are so many different parts of the process of having sex with another person that it is infuriating when people refer to cheating as a 'mistake'. At no point did this person stop and consider what they were doing could permanently cause their partner trust issues, insecurities, depression, etc. and in some cases even suicidal thoughts. You have to wonder, do people that cheat even do the basic thing of thinking about what they would feel if their partner cheated on them - if they would feel awful then why would they then cause that awful feeling for their partner. A mistake is forgetting to pick up something you were supposed to from the shop, forgetting your car keys, dropping your phone etc. Going all the way and putting your dick inside someone else or allowing someone else to put their dick inside you while you have a partner that loves you is just scumbaggery and degeneracy.

Cheating occurs because there are some issues within the relationship and to put it simply, being in a relationship with someone whose reaction to experiencing issues is to go and f*ck some other person instead of communicating with their partner how bad they're feeling and what their thoughts or ending the relationship is a worthless, impulsive and deeply untrustworthy person. Moreover, cheaters are quite often narcissists and you really do not want to be in a relationship with one.

No doubt it takes incredible strength to not allow yourself to remain with a cheater or get back with them, especially because they will do and say whatever is necessary to make you believe they're sorry and regretful and that it was just a mistake, but long term it is for the best because good people - who don't betray the people they love - deserve to be with someone who they can trust and be vulnerable with and experience actual loyalty with.

Pohappiness

ASISEEIT wrote: »

We all sin differently. Think about that. Sex is a big deal but so are other transgressions. Addiction . Emotional distancing. Being a tax cheat. Stabbing a colleague in the back . You could be faithful as a golden retriever but commit other offences . Im always amazed at the amount of Pharisees on these forums though i fear most wont get the reference and no im no holy joe
So yes sex outside a relationships is a big no no but there are sins of an equal nature which are often over looked

But this isn’t about any other sins. It’s about some person that deceived the person they were supposed to love. Your other reasons are an entirely different topic..

Arrival

ASISEEIT wrote: »

We all sin differently. Think about that. Sex is a big deal but so are other transgressions. Addiction . Emotional distancing. Being a tax cheat. Stabbing a colleague in the back . You could be faithful as a golden retriever but commit other offences . Im always amazed at the amount of Pharisees on these forums though i fear most wont get the reference and no im no holy joe
So yes sex outside a relationships is a big no no but there are sins of an equal nature which are often over looked

Yeah, sure. Go talk about those other sins in threads related to discussing them. This thread is about cheating

ASISEEIT

Deception is deception but Yes perhaps sex/cheating should be top of list. But the amount of stone throwing here never ceases to amaze me. Let he who is without sin...

Arrival

ASISEEIT wrote: »

Deception is deception but Yes perhaps sex/cheating should be top of list. But the amount of stone throwing here never ceases to amaze me. Let he who is without sin...

Have you cheated before or something?