She never texts first, red flag?

Jasper_

Been on 4 dates with a girl now. Both early 30's. I like her and would like to move things along. Thing is she never contacts me first. Even when she has known I had important things on that she could have said "good luck" for, or "how did that go". Its always me initiating things. When I do suggest dates everything goes well.

I brought this up with a friend of mine and they suggested not to text her and see what happens, when she doesn't contact me again I have my answer.

Is this ever a good idea?? I can always just ask her does she see potential here or is that too soon after 4 dates?

weldoninhio

Jasper_ wrote: »

Been on 4 dates with a girl now. Both early 30's. I like her and would like to move things along. Thing is she never contacts me first. Even when she has known I had important things on that she could have said "good luck" for, or "how did that go". Its always me initiating things. When I do suggest dates everything goes well.

I brought this up with a friend of mine and they suggested not to text her and see what happens, when she doesn't contact me again I have my answer.

Is this ever a good idea?? I can always just ask her does she see potential here or is that too soon after 4 dates?

If you like her, text her. Stop overthinking things. If it doesn’t work out it doesn’t work out. If it does, great.

CookieLover

I think you are overthinking the situation! Just have fun and enjoy the dates.

Exclamation Marc

4 dates isn't many at all to be over analysing like you are.

Keep dating and text her if you feel like it but it's too early to be over thinking things. You'll only know if she likes you by spending time together. Purposely not texting may give her the idea you're not interested.

tara73

I'm with your friend here. I don't think it's a good sign if one person has to do all the contacting, not in a long term relationship and not in the early stages.

try to hold off contacting her and see if she does then.

Big Bag of Chips

Some women have this ridiculous notion that the man should do all the work. And you can also be fairly sure if you stopped contacting her to see of she would she'd be telling her friends how she thought it was going well and then you just disappeared!

You could probably try to talk to her about it. Tell her that you really enjoy your dates but because you don't hear from her unless you contact her first you're wondering if she's less interested. Don't explain yourself further. Don't waffle on with explanations are guessing what you think she might be thinking. Just word it simply, but directly and see what happens.

Salthillprom

Jasper_ wrote: »

Been on 4 dates with a girl now. Both early 30's. I like her and would like to move things along. Thing is she never contacts me first. Even when she has known I had important things on that she could have said "good luck" for, or "how did that go". Its always me initiating things. When I do suggest dates everything goes well.

I brought this up with a friend of mine and they suggested not to text her and see what happens, when she doesn't contact me again I have my answer.

Is this ever a good idea?? I can always just ask her does she see potential here or is that too soon after 4 dates?

Ah just keep texting her if you like her. Maybe she’s shy. Maybe she isn’t an initiator. You don’t know her well enough yet to determine too much about her. You could always end a date with, “would you like to go to x,y,z next weekend? Text me with the arrangements/time to collect you/whatever...”...that way you are placing the ball in her court wrt the next texting. If you were saying that dates are only so-so, then I’d be advising differently, but you say dates go well. I wouldn’t get too hung up on the texting thing tbh.

Don’t ghost her whatever you do. Just not texting her will leave her confused and you feeling a bit miserable and wondering ‘what if’. Honestly, ghosting is horrible. It’s being done to me at the moment by someone who meant a great deal to me & I honestly think it’s the height of disrespect & ignorance.

You could always just ask her straight out...how come you are the one to initiate. Is she happy enough to keep seeing you etc.? I think at date 5 you are completely entitled to broach something like that.

Jasper_

@salthillprom
Surely its not ghosting if she doesn't try to initiate contact first? Ghosting would be her contacting me and me never replying.

Salthillprom

Jasper_ wrote: »

@salthillprom
Surely its not ghosting if she doesn't try to initiate contact first? Ghosting would be her contacting me and me never replying.

Well, according to google ghosting is the practice of ending a personal relationship with someone by suddenly and without explanation withdrawing from all communication.

Augme

Salthillprom wrote: »

Well, according to google ghosting is the practice of ending a personal relationship with someone by suddenly and without explanation withdrawing from all communication.

So you could say she is ghosting the OP.

weldoninhio

Augme wrote: »

So you could say she is ghosting the OP.

No, because when he texts her, she texts back. Ghosting is “withdrawing ALL communication”

amdublin

Augme wrote: »

So you could say she is ghosting the OP.

Ghosting is completely disappearing/cutting all contact/not replying.

I think big bag of chips gave good advice. That, or yes stop texting her and see what happens

lawred2

Jasper_ wrote: »

Been on 4 dates with a girl now. Both early 30's. I like her and would like to move things along. Thing is she never contacts me first. Even when she has known I had important things on that she could have said "good luck" for, or "how did that go". Its always me initiating things. When I do suggest dates everything goes well.

I brought this up with a friend of mine and they suggested not to text her and see what happens, when she doesn't contact me again I have my answer.

Is this ever a good idea?? I can always just ask her does she see potential here or is that too soon after 4 dates?

You're in your thirties. This type of who texts first business is for those ten years your junior.

If you're having fun then why overthink it?

B.A._Baracus

Be the last to text her then stop texting. See where you are at in a week.

If she hasn't made the effort to talk to you then yeah sadly you will need to move on.
Things progress naturally when dating. If after 4 dates the person seems a bit meh with contacting then it's always usually a sign they aren't that invested.

lawred2

Augme wrote: »

So you could say she is ghosting the OP.

No. She hasn't changed her behavior.

bucketybuck

Jasper_ wrote: »

Even when she has known I had important things on that she could have said "good luck" for, or "how did that go".

I wouldn't disregard this too easily, depending on the details of course. Even if somebody is not a big texter you would indeed expect somebody you are dating to take an interest in the important things happening in your life.

4 dates is very early, its not even a relationship yet and there are no obligations. And yes, some people just don't like writing texts and messages, I'm one of them.

But never contacting you at all, not even once and not even when you had something important on? If you wanted to gauge how interested she is in you then I wouldn't be dismissing that easily at all.

osarusan

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

You could probably try to talk to her about it. Tell her that you really enjoy your dates but because you don't hear from her unless you contact her first you're wondering if she's less interested. Don't explain yourself further. Don't waffle on with explanations are guessing what you think she might be thinking. Just word it simply, but directly and see what happens.

I would advise this too, rather than just not texting and seeing what happens.

When you are with her, and she makes some positive comment about something, like that she had a great time, you could say it then - that you are happy to hear it, because as she doesn't text and you do all the initiating, you sometimes wonder how interested she actually is.

She might want to deal with it then, but if she doesn't just leave it at that. She knows how you feel about it at least.

leggo

To be honest, I'd be more like your friend OP. Especially after four dates, having these direct chats asking about frequency of texting and initiation could easily put it into "you made it weird..." territory. You don't really know her, she could feel criticised or judged for what is a perfectly understandable reason and you mightn't have your day in court to get your stance across properly before it's ruined.

I'd need someone to chase me back a bit to stay interested myself, I can't stand the feeling of doing all the running. So I'd naturally just not text and see if they do (not as a game really, my life is just genuinely busy so there are days when I don't even think of texting and then you get to the end of the day like "waaaait a minute...").

But yeah, leave texting her a while and see if she comes around. She could be one of these self-perpetuators who let the lad do all the running thinking "There's no point he'll probably go missing one day anyway", then after not making an effort herself blaming you when you stop chatting. Sounds specific but there's a lot out there and you've got away lucky finding out if she is.

neonsofa

How close together were the dates? Maybe she just isn't mad into texting and prefers to just chat on dates and get to know each other that way.

Jasper_

@neomspfa

Its been one every weekend for the last month. I really am not crazy about constant texting, I think I even said this to her early on in a drunken conversation. But it's just disconcerting that I believe that if I just stopped all contact that I would simply never hear from her again.

bucketybuck

I'm really not one for games, but to be honest I don't think its such a bad idea to step back and see if she is at any point going to make an effort to contact you.

You need to know what level of interest she has, its unhealthy for only one person to be doing the chasing and since you can hardly tell her to "spontaneously" get in touch, the only option is to stop and wait for her to do it herself. Or not.

It might be disconcerting to think that she is so blase about you that she would just let you disappear without lifting a finger, but again, its better to know that now rather than later.

I would stop with the texts and see if she makes any effort to get in touch. If it goes a week without any word from her then you have your answer, at that point you can then contact her again to meet for a chat or get some closure.

Seriously though, its important to know where you stand, unequal relationships are not healthy and one person doing all the running is not healthy.

Bambi985

I don't think it's a good sign tbh. When you're interested in someone you sort of meet them half way on these things IME, even if you're not a texter and even if you've established a pattern where he's always first to get in touch. You'll throw them a text like, lest they think you're just not arsed about them at all.

I'd go with what everyone is saying and hold back on the texts to see if that shimmies her into action. If you fancy someone you definitely would't let more than a week go by without checking in with them. Stop texting her and see what happens

beefburrito

I'd just get on with my life, have a few more dates with someone else.

I wouldn't read into it, I suppose I'm old school.

But too many people in the tinder generation out there monkey branching, my way isn't the best way I know.

But if I felt like I'm being ignored I'd just cut it.
I don't care if they don't bother putting in the effort,you're worth it young man.

Don't sell yourself short, you'll probably get a leftie or a snowflake saying my approach is all wrong.

Quite frankly my dear I don't give a damn.....

beefburrito

Salthillprom wrote: »

Well, according to google ghosting is the practice of ending a personal relationship with someone by suddenly and without explanation withdrawing from all communication.

With the quality of people on dating sites who're bunny boilers, I think ghosting is appropriate....

Irish_rat

Seems like a red flag op. If she's interested she would text you, end of. I'm with your friend on this.

Maryg3

OP I wouldn't go over thinking the situation, she's a woman, women tend to act like this for 2 reasons

1 sometimes it's because we want to see are the men that are really interested in us genuine, and in this day and age with tinder, pof and every random easy accessible date site that can get u a clean nó strings attached hook up you could imagine out there, it's no wonder put our guard up more!!

2 she might have a lot going on in her life, and atm a man she has went on four dates with might not be the top priority in her eyes yet!!!

When I first met my husband I didn't always text him first, or check in on him and he was usually the one that initiated first, it didn't mean I wasn't into him, I just happened to be very busy and had a lot going on at the time, but when we did meet up we got on like a house on fire, 10 years later were married with a family and I still love him to bits!!!

Moral of the story stop overthinking and just go with it for now!! it doesn't always mean it will end up bad!!!

justfillmein

I was like that with the last person I dated. i'm not really sure why I never text first. maybe it was because I didn't want to seem too eager or clingy. it end up staying like that then throughout the whole relationship. he didn't seem to mind though.

the new recruit though, its the opposite. i'm a bit too willing to text all day. but that just because I genuinely enjoy conversation with him

Pohappiness

Jasper_ wrote: »

Been on 4 dates with a girl now. Both early 30's. I like her and would like to move things along. Thing is she never contacts me first. Even when she has known I had important things on that she could have said "good luck" for, or "how did that go". Its always me initiating things. When I do suggest dates everything goes well.

I brought this up with a friend of mine and they suggested not to text her and see what happens, when she doesn't contact me again I have my answer.

Is this ever a good idea?? I can always just ask her does she see potential here or is that too soon after 4 dates?

Don’t ask her ! You will come of as being needy and she will use that as an excuse later. Kill the texting and get busy doing other stuff and if she is into you she’ll text but deep down I think you know you’re answer. I’ve been here before.. good luck

Murdoc90

Maybe hold back on the texting and see if she contacts you.

Some people just don't think in ways you do, as in 'He has a big thing on this week better text him and wish him good luck' It can be seen as disinterest I know, but sometimes it's not, it's just their personality. I've been going out with a girl for 3 years, she'd never be the type who would think of texting me before an important interview, for example. It bothered me in the beginning, because I just see it as the normal thing to do but once I learned that it's just the way she is, there's no badness behind it I got over it.

But don't ask her straight out, play the game and see you'll get your answer without coming across as smothering her after 4 dates. Good luck!

Jasper_

Update.

I went with the general consensus and laid off the contact entirely 10 days ago. Radio silence until she text out of the blue today (picking up the conversation as if we had been chatting the whole time), date coming on the weekend now.

So I guess my message to any women reading this, is: in the early stages of dating a guy, if you like the guy, text first occasionally or else his head may become wrecked, as mine has been, lol.

leggo

Good stuff man. It could either be that she learned her lesson and job done or that it took her 10 days to think of you so she threw the text while she had to, but now she’s got you back it’ll go back to the status quo. So keep an eye on it and go from there. But well done and I’m glad the advice you got is working so far.

Bambi985

Ten days with zero contact from her?! What was her text to you, was it something generic like "hey how are you" or did she actually lead the conversation in any way at all? Did she instigate the date or did you? Who ended up planning it?

If I didn't text a guy I was dating for ten days, it would either be because I had fallen off the face of the earth or I was entirely 'meh' about him and he wasn't in my head very much in the first place. No guy I have an interest in is dropping out of my brain entirely for more than a few days, never mind almost two weeks. The only other option is that she's playing some sort of games where she expects you to do the chasing indefinitely and frankly could you be arsed like!

sassyj

Did you ask her where she'd been or what she'd been up to. I'd have wanted a good reason for 10 days silence before arranging another date! Would not be impressed if she didn't address it.

Jasper_

She was out of the country for a week on holidays. Which I knew about. Admittedly I still find it off that she let it go so long, but i'm happy to gauge it from here. She suggested the date.

tara73

Jasper_ wrote: »

She was out of the country for a week on holidays. Which I knew about. Admittedly I still find it off that she let it go so long, but i'm happy to gauge it from here. She suggested the date.

but be careful. you're just so happy now she didn't 'forget you' you seem to take her actions with no consideration for your self worth.
It's the easiest thing these days to text or whatsapp from a holiday..

For me, and almost all others here, her behaviour means trouble for you if you engage further. She doesn't like you as you like her.

Pelvis

She's a flake, I wouldn't bother with her if I was in your shoes.

osarusan

From her perspective, not knowing that she was being 'tested', you simply didn't text her for 10 days either, and she doesn't seem to have been bothered by your failure to text as usual - maybe she's just not a big texter in general.

Mokuba

Most people have their heads in their phones all day. If not for social/recreation purposes then for work etc.

10 days is a very, very long time in this day and age.

The ONE time you didn't initiate it took 10 days for a response. That is incredible.

She is clearly not all that bothered. She might have other options (my theory) that she is more interested in, or she might be just busy.

If it were me, I'd be telling her thanks but no thanks. Find someone who is even a small bit bothered about you.

miamee

I'd cut her some slack, she was on holidays for 7 of those 10 days and some people do tend to (shock, horror) switch off completely on holidays.

LoMismo

miamee wrote: »

I'd cut her some slack, she was on holidays for 7 of those 10 days and some people do tend to (shock, horror) switch off completely on holidays.

Do they really? I just went backpacking in Central America. As an oldie I told them last time I went backpacking in South America no one had mobiles with them, which was around 2009! There weren't really any smart phones at the time, that I knew of anyway.
Anyway this time round everyone in hostels was on their phone pretty much all the time. This wan sounds like a flaker, pursue with caution.

miamee

LoMismo wrote: »

Do they really? I just went backpacking in Central America. As an oldie I told them last time I went backpacking in South America no one had mobiles with them, which was around 2009! There weren't really any smart phones at the time, that I knew of anyway.
Anyway this time round everyone in hostels was on their phone pretty much all the time. This wan sounds like a flaker, pursue with caution.

Some people do, particularly if they are on it all the time otherwise. I tend to stick it in flight mode so I can use it for taking photos but not be bothered with anything else. Admittedly I would turn flight mode off at some stage in the day to check messages but wouldn't be sending any unless there was a special reason.

Just a suggestion, it may or may not be relevant to OPs date.

neonsofa

miamee wrote: »

Some people do, particularly if they are on it all the time otherwise. I tend to stick it in flight mode so I can use it for taking photos but not be bothered with anything else. Admittedly I would turn flight mode off at some stage in the day to check messages but wouldn't be sending any unless there was a special reason.

Just a suggestion, it may or may not be relevant to OPs date.

Yeah I wouldn't be messaging someone I'd only gone on 4 dates with while I'm on holiday. Maybe I'd reply if they texted me but I wouldn't be striking up conversation.

skallywag

Bambi985 wrote: »

If I didn't text a guy I was dating for ten days, it would either be because I had fallen off the face of the earth or I was entirely 'meh' about him and he wasn't in my head very much in the first place.

Agree strongly with this.

I would imagine that she is not too pushed, or the OP is well down the pecking order.

Ursus Horribilis

If I met someone I liked, I'd not go radio silence on them even after just 4 dates. Even though you're still only in the very early stages of what might become something more, you'd still like to keep some sort of connection going. I don't think anyone is expecting a texting frenzy but sending the odd text doesn't hurt. I've a feeling this one sees the OP as an option rather than a priority.

bucketybuck

miamee wrote: »

I'd cut her some slack, she was on holidays for 7 of those 10 days and some people do tend to (shock, horror) switch off completely on holidays.

People also tend do a lot of sitting around, relaxing on holidays.

amdublin

neonsofa wrote: »

Yeah I wouldn't be messaging someone I'd only gone on 4 dates with while I'm on holiday. Maybe I'd reply if they texted me but I wouldn't be striking up conversation.

I would if I was really into them.


Op don't waste your time, she's a messer. You'll be back here posting soon that it's all over or it's all very messy. You deserve better

Bambi985

I'd bring it up on the date if it were me OP. "I was beginning to think you fell down a well!" type of thing and see what she says.

It gives her an opportunity to address the fact that she's just not much of a texter if that's the case or to explain that she totally unplugged while she was away etc etc. Might give you some clarity on things.

I've dated those non-texter types before and never experienced this total silence with them though. You might not get a moment-by-moment account of their day via whatsapp but they'll throw you a "hey fancy meeting on Saturday" or "how's your week" if they're interested. It's kind of a universal code of conduct when you fancy someone - don't let the line run cold. How much fun is this relationship going to be if you have to constantly wonder when you'll next hear from her between dates anyway?