forgive and forget?

Maryg3

My sister in law and I have not seen eye to eye over the years, she has done nothing but criticise me, my relationship to my husband and my parenting skills as well as pointing out my flaws and faults to anyone and everyone that will listen, she has be - littled me from day one and on more then one occasion made me well aware of the fact that she has a problem with me without actually coming out and saying it to my face! God knows how many times I have had a run in with her over the years over sh*t. Some minor some big, though she always makes a drama over it.

MY husbands brother just recently returned from Australia after a few years their and we had to attend a family function. I get on very well with the rest of my husbands family including his second sister so I did not feel out of place attending it, how ever, sister 1 approached both of us and tried to talk to me as if nothing had happened when her most recent stunt was only a few weeks prior to the party but we aren't in contact with her so we passed no heed of her rubbish talk at the time.... Anyways she invited us to her house. Now we have to go to dinner at her house in a week's time for my husbands brothers sake which I don't mind but I do feel extremely uncomfortable about it.

I have told my husband about it and he reckons she only wants to make amends with me. I want to make amends as I don't like holding grudges against people But how do you make amends with someone who has giving you nothing but grief over the years? Caused trouble for you and accused you of things you have never done? I want to make up but my life with my husband and our kids has being so peaceful without her interfering in it for so long and I don't want history repeating itself! Do I forgive and forget?

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leggo

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Why on earth did either of you agree to the dinner invitation?

I cant see why your husband would want to go?

It’s his brother coming back from Australia like.

OP ultimately this is part of what you married into, so if it seems like she wants to make amends, it’s worth doing. You never have to be best friends but if you can be civil so it doesn’t limit your husband’s relationship with his brother, that’ll always be the preferred option. Even if this doesn’t take and another opportunity presents itself, it’s something you’ve kinda have to try.

You don’t have to fully forgive and forget, what you’ve gone through isn’t insignificant don’t get me wrong. You’ll probably always be wary of her and that’s okay too.

Maryg3

Honestly I don't know why we did!! ��, the whole family is going out there for dinner and she made a big deal in front of my husband about it saying "how much she would love all of the family to be together at it".. I can see where he's coming from though as he just wants to spend time with his brother. He also thinks she wants to make amends with me!! I'm just unsure if I'm willing to put the last behind me with her?

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Maryg3

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To be honest I agree with your point very much, she has basically being bullying me over the years which I know probably sounds silly a grown woman saying her sister in law is a bully lol.
She has always pointed the finger at me, my husband kept out of it saying ignore her she has a problem with everyone, up until we started having kids and she started to get really bad, then he intervened and started fully sticking up for me to her.
To be honest I don't know if it happened to you would you let it go or remain having nothing to do with her??

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Maryg3

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I'm so glad so glad that someone knows exactly how I feel. I agree with you and I wouldn't stop my husband having a relationship with her either.
She doesn't come to my house either and I have avoided going to her house up until this happened,!! When she's around me at a function she comes straight up to my husband lick arsing trying to make jokes to him or bringing up conversations about funny things that happened before I was with him all the while glaring at me or just trying her best to make me feel uncomfortable there.

Maryg3

Maryg3 wrote: »

Honestly I don't know why we did!! ��, the whole family is going out there for dinner and she made a big deal in front of my husband about it saying "how much she would love all of the family to be together at it".. I can see where he's coming from though as he just wants to spend time with his brother. He also thinks she wants to make amends with me!! I'm just unsure if I'm willing to put the last behind me with her?

Is it an option to just send him to the dinner? you don't both have to go?

Big Bag of Chips

Absolutely agree with bluewolf. It's his sister, his brother, you've already had the family get together to welcome the brother home. This is her just plumping her feathers. Honestly, she won't care if you're not there. His family won't really care if you're not there. No offense, but you won't be missed!

Let your husband accept the invitation and then last minute you could just have a family crisis that meant your presence was needed elsewhere. Honestly, nobody will care! Well she probably will, but only because it won't give her the chance to Lord it around over you.

bikermartin

I have inlaws, who are worse that that. SIL had female neighbour harass, intimidate, and assault me for almost 2 years. We eventually moved away and I am happier now than I have in the last 25 years.

I will no forget or forgive........just couldn't do it.

Your inlaws sound very controlling of your life

December2012

If you don't go, it will possibly be seen as you making a big deal where there is no perceived problem. You say she was bad to you for years, and nobody else took her to taks over it? Even your husband waited until you had kids? Did you give as good as you got to her?

I think you should go to the dinner, for one of three reasons:-
1. So that you can be in her company for the benefit of being in the company of the rest of your family.
2. So that you can practice how to get along (again no need to have a heart to heart or spend any time alone), but mainly
3. So that you can have your head held high about how you were the bigger person. Go, keep calm, don't rise to any instigation, and be perfectly "pleasant" to her.

WIZWEB

A very valuable lesson I've been taught about dealing with toxic adults is that you don't have to.

This includes any family or mates. You are under no obligation whatsoever to this person considering how you have been treated. This includes no explanation ever being required to her or any others for your non attendence in her company ever again. If you continue to tolerate her abuse then you are actually enabling these actions. Her abusiveness towards you ends the second you initiate the No Contact boundary.

Big Bag of Chips

I get the "be the bigger person" responses, but if it is something that's going to cause you stress and upset then why bother? As WIZWEB says above, you're an adult. You don't have to appease others. This isn't an important family event that requires your attendance. It's not an important function like a wedding/funeral etc. It's a dinner in her house. You've seen the brother, I'm sure you're going to see a lot more of him before he goes back, so seeing them all on this night is not important.

You don't need to be uncomfortable just to keep others (who don't actually care) happy.

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bucketybuck

Don't kid yourself, this is not about her wanting to make amends. If you think the whole event is her making an effort to reach out then you are setting yourself up for disappointment, she has other priorities.

Best to be aware of that, and if you go then remember it and don't allow yourself to get sucked into anything. Turn up, be polite and then keep your distance as much as possible until you can politely leave again.

ifElseThen

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Honestly, she won't care if you're not there.

But of course, the wagon will use it against the OP

Tell your husband that you want to let them catch up as a family...and that his sister is a poisonous weapon and you'd rather claw your own eyes out than visit her in her gaf....

In my book, family doesn't mean automatic guarantee to having to put up with their nonsense.

ifElseThen

WIZWEB wrote: »

A very valuable lesson I've been taught about dealing with toxic adults is that you don't have to.

This includes any family or mates. You are under no obligation whatsoever to this person considering how you have been treated. This includes no explanation ever being required to her or any others for your non attendence in her company ever again. If you continue to tolerate her abuse then you are actually enabling these actions. Her abusiveness towards you ends the second you initiate the No Contact boundary.

Yeah cutting her out is OP's best bet but she should just be prepared for the flak that comes with it as she may be seen as the problem by the other members of the family, given that she will no doubt be bending their ears about the OP.

Big Bag of Chips

I often find with people like her that it's not just you that sees it. You might think you are the only one but you're not! Family will usually stick with their own but that doesn't mean they don't see what you see. I don't think an issue needs to be made of you going/not. At most the reaction to you not being there should be "that's a pity". Of course if you make it an issue by saying it'll be a cold day in he'll before you cross the door of her house, then there's something to talk about. If you're not there purely because of other commitments then what can they say?

And people who will comment, will comment regardless. So do what suits you.

Maryg3

Thanks everyone for the response I have received over this!! I didn't realise so many people have had to deal with their own toxic inlaws as much as I felt like I had to put up with her!!
I could only put up with her for so long to the point that I just can't deal with her drama around me anymore. I think I might justake up an excuse as to why I can't go to dinner party, I think it's the best thing to do as I really can't bear to look at her or deal with her smugness and sarcasm throughout an entire evening!

As I said in my original post about the recent stunt she pulled on us was over my 5 year old birthday party!!! Yes it was over a 5 year old party...
We arranged his party on one of those jungle gym kiddie centres and we had invited a few from his class to it along with my husbands second sisters 4 children that my kids see and interact with on a regular occasion and also her kids are small too all in the same age category.
Sister 1 has two daughters from a previous failed relationship one 15 and one 14, I mentioned to my husband about inviting them bout and he said he didn't see the point as they would have no interest in it because of their age and they would probably think we were asking them to babysit, anyways tat evening after party I received a very long text off her 15 year old telling me to explain to her why I. Yes I, not my husband excluded them from the party, I text her explaining what had happened and I received quite a few abusive messages on return.
MY husband got mad over it and text his sister asking why his niece had sent me those messages and she replied by saying " that's how children feel when they are excluded from family outings" he explained the situation to her and then she accused me of texting her instead of my husband., which obviously it wasn't me texting her off my husbands phone, but I think she was just trying to make it look like my husband wouldnt defend me or text her about the issue that it must have being me.
He eang he then and said it was him and the mouthful she gave him down the phone about me was horrendous saying that him and her used to be so close before I came into the picture and that I'm trying to rip them apart... I'm wouldn't do that ever to anyone and I'm still angry when I think back to what she said about me.

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Big Bag of Chips

If you have a 15 year old abusing you over not being invited to a 5 year old's party, then that tells you all you need to know.

Although I wonder was it actually the 15 year old sending the texts?

Make your excuses. The older I get the less tolerance I have for arseholes! And I honestly don't care whether or not they'd be talking about me.

Maryg3

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

If you have a 15 year old abusing you over not being invited to a 5 year old's party, then that tells you all you need to know.

You are 100% right there... I forgot to mention the part where she went around on the rest of my husbands family telling them how hurt her daughters were for being left out because of me and making it look like I was guilty and a b***ch to them all. But it seemed funny that she left out the part about her 15 year old sending me abusive messages over the party.

Yes I agree and I do wonder was it her daughter that sent me the messages at all!!

Big Bag of Chips

Her family are worse if they entertain the fact that a 15 year old should be upset and not being invited to a 5 year old's party. Honestly, don't waste your time or energy on this one. Don't even consider going to her orchestrated dinner. I don't know would I even bother making an excuse!!

Maryg3

Your probably right my excuse should be that iv taking enough drama and crap from her that I don't need to feel out of place on her territory just because she wants to pretend they are all happy families for a few hours!!!

I do feel bad for her two daughters because they were such lovely girls but she has turned them into her, unfortunately they seem to be as bitter towards everyone as she is. She even has them disrespectful to her mother, the way they treat there granny is disgusting with no appreciation for the woman who has gone above and beyond for bith my husbands sister and her daughters over the years asking nothing in return but respect!!

I never have ever done anything to this woman, I didn't even know she existed before met my husband so I can't understand her hatred against me!
I just don't get why she points the finger at me every time something doesn't suit her and even has her kids doing it, but I guess Il probably never know why she acts that way!!

Maryg3

I know this is irrelevant to what I had asked in the beginning but i Just want to give you a bit more of an insight as to how bitter my sister in law actually is,

A few years ago she met a fella, i actually get on very well with this man's sister.

She started dating him and after a few weeks she moved him into her house with her 2 daughters, the man had just being through a failed marriage and had 5 children, in the beginning she played happy families with him and his kids that he seen every second weekend. I must admit she put on quite the show back then she even had me questioning had she changed overnight.

It didn't last eventually she had the man falling out with his only sister, she started treating his kids like dirt making one rule for them and another for her own 2. She insisted that her daughters referred to the man as daddy when ever his own children were around which upset his eldest daughter at the time. It got that bad that she provoked his ex wife to hit her all because his ex wife threw a Mc Donald's bag at the end of her street, so she expected her to park out on the road and the 5 kids to walk down to meet her.
after the ex hit her she went to the guards looking to press assault charges. As soon as the ex wife found out that she had went to the guards the ex said the father couldn't see the kids unless she dropped charges.

Obviously that man ran for the hills and swears he would never want to end up with someone like her again. Now he is in a happy relationship sees his kids all the time and has a baby on the way. But of course my husbands sister went around lying to people that he left because he was cheating on her.

Funnily enough she has started dating a new man and we heard he has fallen out with his 3 lovely sisters all of a sudden!!!

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Big Bag of Chips

So there you go, you aren't the only one.

Remind me again why you're agonising over socialising with her?

osarusan

Don't go, and don't feel guilty about it either.

If you do decide to go, avoid her as much as you can, steel yourself and be civil and courteous when you do have to interact, and get out of there as quick as you can.

Maryg3

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I know what your saying but I happen to get on quite well with the man she was dating sister and after they broke up his sister approached me about the subject " asking me how I put up with her" and I said I didnt have anything to do with her!! I didn't and don't want to have any involvement in her life or her personal life it doesn't bother me but it was just one occasion that I remembered of something she had done to another innocent family!!

Did you ever find out why your husbands sister treated you the way she did?? I know you don't care but I'm just curious was it just out of bitterness??

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Maryg3

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Your right there are just some very horrible people out there I suppose!
I'm glad iv come across someone who knows what it feels like though and any queries I had about going to her house it's definitely not going to happen now. After sharing this with all of you I now know that you just can't please everyone and you can't help if people don't like you but i will remain as far from her as possible and after this at least I don't have to feel guilty about not wanting to have anything 2 do with her!! Thanks again

kylith

I think I'd have a terrible attack of gastroenteritis that night, or suddenly remember a prior commitment that I couldn't get out of.

Kalimah

I have a sister in law who has never addressed me directly in 30 plus years. I had no falling out with her - I think she just took a dislike to me for some unknown reason. My mother in law told me I'd have to try harder with her! Complete waste of time. I don't even bother to say hello to her when I see her, which thankfully is very rarely. The last wedding we were at she ended up sitting between my husband and her husband. Being brothers they were chatting across her. She sat with a face of stone looking straight ahead. Unbelievable rude behaviour. What I would have given to have pulled her around by the hair and tell her what I thought of her. Problem with that would have been that I would have been seen as the nutcase.

Anyway that's my story - I'd not go to the dinner myself if I was you. Just get your husband to say you've something else on. Why create grief for yourself. Put her out of your head - that's what I do with my SIL.

peckerhead

Tbh it's your husband I'm beginning to feel sorriest for. SIL sounds like two ends of a bïtch, but I have to say, OP, you seem really determined to hold onto your grievances here.

My wife and my sister were like this from the day they set eyes on each other, thirty-something years ago. Absolute nightmare.

Maryg3

peckerhead wrote: »

Tbh it's your husband I'm beginning to feel sorriest for. SIL sounds like two ends of a bïtch, but I have to say, OP, you seem really determined to hold onto your grievances here.

My wife and my sister were like this from the day they set eyes on each other, thirty-something years ago. Absolute nightmare.

I understand what your saying, though I didn't want to come off sounding like I was holding on to anything however there are just some things you can't forget happened! And there has being so much things that have happened over the past few years that building bridges is nearly impossible at this stage!

Have you ever confronted your sister over the years to find out what her problem was??
MY husband has confronted his several times over the years and she has stated there is no issue!

Regardless of the situation between me and her I wouldn't stop my husband having a relationship with her or his nieces, but I do think the best option for me is to just keep away from her completely!

peckerhead

Maryg3 wrote: »

Have you ever confronted your sister over the years to find out what her problem was??
MY husband has confronted his several times over the years and she has stated there is no issue!

Yup, either of them when asked goes all wide-eyed and don't-know-what-you-mean-I'm-very-fond-of-her... :rolleyes:

I'd agree with giving it a miss (tell the husband to work away without you; it's really not a big deal). Life's too short to be wasting it on people you don't like and owe nothing to.

Payton

For your own sanity you need to put a line in the sand for any other 'family function'. Nobody has the right to disrespect anyone else family or not, that said..your SIL is never going to change she seems to like drama and having the 'i told you so' attitude.
Your husband is well aware of her behaviour and fully supports you so be the bigger person and don't go to the gathering...damed if you do and damed if you don't.

justfillmein

I don't sit in the company of people I don't like. extended family or immediate family. I have no obligation to anyone.

Maryg3

Hi all I haven't being on this properly since I asked the question and I would just like to let you all know that I ended up going to the dinner! I decided to be the bigger person about it!! I completely put her to the back of my mind and decided I would not give her the satisfaction of making myself uncomfortable in her presence no matter where I was.
The dinner started off fine that said we did not speak to each other much I gave her just polite yes and no answers, however, when the dinner ended she started her sh*t making smart comments and kept trying to contradict and belittle things I was saying to other family members. My husband was starting to get mad and said we should go but I told him to keep his cool and I would deal with it!! For the first time I stood up to myself properly, I waited till every one was together and and she had made her last insulting comment towards me in front of everyone and I said thanks for the dinner it was just about exceptional but I'm going to go home now because although I have tried to be very civil towards you I find that your behaviour towards me is inappropriate and always has being so you all excuse me if I don't come to another event like this but I'm sure you will understand!! And I walked out. A lot of faces were shocked but I was even more shocked all followed us and said fair play to me for doing that, that she had no reason for what she did. Needless to say no one is by any means impressed with her behaviour and at least I never have to deal with her again thank god!!!