Sorry - reposted from PI. Not sure how to proceed

Exaspo

My boyfriend and I have had ups and downs, but I love him to bits and see (saw?) a future with him.

Two weeks ago he went to a stag and came home boozed up the next morning and in great spirits. A few days later we attended the wedding, where a female partner of one of his friends made a comment to him about him committing a sex act with a bar girl. My boyfriend was flummoxed by this, believes he wouldn’t/didn’t do this but also couldn’t understand why our friend would say this to him. He has no recollection of much of the night so can’t remember. I know some lads might excited at a stag, and while I don’t believe he cheated, I can only assume he pushed boundaries and made himself the focal point of the night’s inappropriateness.

We agreed he would clarify our friend’s comments when the dust settled. My boyfriend has drank a lot since then. When drunk he claims he loves me would be lost without me, and will pull the neck in and drink less etc.He is a bit more embarrassed/aloof otherwise. Which is frustrating, because it feels like my feelings are inconsequential. 

The other day he was invited to a stag weekend getaway of someone he barely knows, an acquaintance from his hometown. He has agreed to go and TBH I am a bit stunned. I told him while I’d ordinarily be fine with this, he hasn’t yet clarified what happened at stag do 1. Apparently he has, as a pal confirmed he did nothing over beers at the weekend. He is going and that’s that.


I don’t know what it is I want. I feel insecure, invisible and disrespected. I feel like this isn’t right, but also don’t know if I’m overreacting. Please advise.

leggo

I can understand why your head is wrecked OP, there's loads going on here and you've done nothing.

First off, why did the friend choose the wedding to make that comment? Like if she decided to get involved, why do it that way and not pull you aside and have a quiet word telling you exactly what happened, how she found out etc? Do you know this person well to be able to go to them on a fact-finding mission and determine if something happened or why they would say it did? And, if so, why haven't you done this? That'd seem like the natural thing to do...are you a bit worried that something did happen and don't want to hear it? Understandable, if so, but not ultimately helpful since you're better off dealing with the reality as it'll likely creep back up if something did happen, be it in you finding out the full truth when you're further down the line or through him possibly doing it again.

Secondly, because the way the friend dropped the bomb, I'd initially be inclined to believe it's just ****-stirring if you trusted your partner. But he hasn't helped with his behaviour since. It sounds like he's hoping the issue will just disappear and hiding behind a bottle. Not exactly the behaviour of someone sure of their innocence and it'd have me more believing the friend's version of events, surely he himself has had a word with his mate who was there. If that was me, it'd be something I'd do on the night (probably as soon as the comment was made) or morning after max. So he knows more, whether he's saying it or not (although when it suits him he conveniently has a ready made instant answer that he just neglected to tell you about), and he's choosing to ignore it and leave you in limbo.

Lastly, what's the story with his drinking? Your post discusses him at several different stages and he seems to be drunk at every stage, to the point you can't get a straight answer out of him because of it. As far as the other stag goes, in truth he should be able to do what he wants and go to a friend's stag if it comes up (regardless of whether he's seen him), but at the same time you should also be able to trust him in doing so. And it sounds like he's just using it as another excuse to be pissed for a weekend truth be told. So I don't blame you for being iffy about it, it's kinda bringing all of the issues to the fore. But you need to deal with the situation as it stands: are you sure this is someone you see a happy future with, in their current incarnation?

Big Bag of Chips

Mod Note

I've deleted your thread in PI as it's more of a relationship issue.

---

It's a difficult one as you will never know the truth. It sounds like your bf doesn't really know the truth either.

I'd question why his friend's gf would approach him saying that. Surely she must have known it'd cause problems. Was she just stirring? Is it possible her fella got up to something and he blamed your fella for it? Your fella probably heard back from some of the other lads what, if anything, happened. If he did do something he's unlikely to admit it, for fear of your response.

So you are going to have to decide whether or not you can move on from this not knowing if it's worth being upset over or not.

The other issue is how much/how often your bf drinks. Does he often have nights where he can't remember parts of it? Is it all or nothing when he goes out? How often does he drink, and how much?

In my early 20s I started going out with a heavy drinker. But I was early 20s and going out, drinking was our social life. 18 years later I'm still with a very heavy drinker. I don't drink much, so how much and how often he drinks has caused a few problems for us. Some people grow out of that, some don't. I wouldn't jump straight to dumping him over one incident that you really aren't sure about. But, from experience, I would look at his drinking habits, and whether or not drinking, and (flimsy enough) excuses to go drinking take priority over you.

You don't want to become a controlling/nagging girlfriend. But you don't want to be a fool either.

Mr. Incognito

Hi there

I used to drink a lot but due to a fatty liver I would have large portions of the night where I couldnt remember anything and my behaviour was inappropriate due to high intoxication levels

Of Course I wouldnt remember anything and would be embarrased to bring it up.

In the end I had to give up alcohol for my health and my sanity.

I think you need to sit down and have a chat about his drinking but be prepared he might put drinking above you.

Exaspo

Thank you for the replies they have been helpful.

The fact she chose the wedding/my partner to approach does make me believe it could be a drunken wind up. My partner and I wouldve spent some time with this couple before we ended up in seperate cities. I did contemplate texting her, but my boyfriend and I figured a text from him might be better seeing as it didnt involve me. I also figured this would avoid her feeling guilty/embarassed by being approached by me over a drunken "joke." These were my initial thoughts, but now that it seems like he has no intention of approaching it with her, I do feel uneasy. If she is joking, she should be aware of the ramifications too. I am questioning my own bouandaries and my partners disregard for them. I wouldnt hesitate to put my own humility before his security with me.

The stag, is this weekend, he was asked two days ago by chance and he signed up for yesterday. My problem is, I am waiting for some clarity or meaningful interaction with him which is further put off. He is fond of drink and goes through bouts of drinking heavily. Honestly, I am fearful of the fact that none of these people on the stag are his friends. They will be unlikely to take care of him if he does get out of control. He does frequently, losing things, blacking out, dissapearing. Equally, despite being near 40, he can be the egged one of a group. While his close friends are fond of a drink too, I know there will be someone who ensures he gets home. He has loved a party for much of adult life and had bouts of heavy drinking during our relationship. It hasnt been a point of contention for us as a couple until recently as it hasnt challenged my trust until now.

Youre right, I abhor the thoughts of becoming like a nagging mother.

Big Bag of Chips

Honestly, OP, no matter how much I loved him that would be a serious issue for me. At first I thought maybe you were early-mid 20s. But you are speaking about a man, who is nearly 40, and you are uneasy that these people won't "mind" him when he goes out? He shouldn't need someone making sure he gets home ok, or has his keys/wallet/coat etc. That sort of carry on can sort of be excused in early to mid 20s, by late twenties you'd hope people would be growing out of it. But at heading for 40 if they haven't, they're not going to.

And by the very fact that you are worrying that there'll be nobody there to mind him you are allowing yourself to become his mother!!

It's your decision. But if he hasn't gotten better in recent years, he's only likely to get worse. It's time for a fairly serious conversation. Decide what you want from him and the relationship and then tell him. But if he doesn't agree to it then you both need to decide what happens then.

Exaspo

Thank you, I do appreciate your insight.

In fairness to him, he has been very healthy for the last number of months and the issues I mentioned above havent occured then. I think the stag do has potentially started off another drinking spree where I am now feeling anxious about those issues and now this whole potential cheating issue too.

It has sort of thrown me a bit. I amnt sure how we are supposed to grow closer, progress as a couple if stupid drunken indisrections are going to colour things and make me feel like I am losing my mind.

The safety issues could be worked on, I would hope. This other stuff though is headwrecking and isolating.

Tigger99

Leave aside all the behaviour when drinking, by going on this stag of someone he barely knows after all this stuff you've described is incredibly childish and disrespectful. He's like a bold child disobeying you on purpose. You say you don't want to become the nagging mother, well it sounds like you are are already in a parent child dynamic.

It also sounds like he is a problem drinker. The situation you describe sounds horrifically stressful. And he hasn't tried to reassure you or even stop drinking for a while. He's choosing drink over you.

If it was me I'd talk to him about it in person, today. And unless he volunteers to take steps to stop drinking (drinking until he blacks out and gets to a point where he can't remember whether or not he cheated on you) and takes your concerns seriously then you are going to keep going through this.

Exaspo

A number of weeks have passed. Quite meaningful conversations regarding the booze have taken place and I have felt content that change is coming.

Sadly last week, my boyfriend revealed he has been diagnosed with an STI and I should get checked. insists the memory still isnt there but concludes that something wrong must have occured.

We both are shocked that he could be capable of this but the evidence is there. To be honest, I am falling apart now. I want to undo what he has done. I want to forgive him, but at what point is enough, enough.

zapper55

There's holes in his story and I think you are being far too understanding. I presume a doctor diagnosed him with a sti. So why did he go, was there symptoms? If so and he wasn't sexually intimate with someone else why didn't he mention any symptoms to you first?

He's telling you the bare minimum and only because you were lucky enough that that girl commented in front of you. I say lucky because at least she had the balls to say it to you unlike your boyfriend or his friends who I would imagine know if she knows.

Also how do you know it's from this alleged sex act and not something he did at the stag the weekend after?

leggo

Oh OP, I'm so sorry.

The STI thing is fairly damning, but if you were to take any positives it's that at least it's evidence you can use to make your mind up. There can be lies or gaslighting or denials. Nobody can tell you how to feel or what you should do, but you're entitled to just walk if you feel it's the right choice and that's probably the easiest course of action when you add that to the drinking. As it stands, you've a miserable few weeks/months ahead with no guarantee it'll get better in time. It might be worth considering taking a break for a while and sorting your own head out.

Now, the drinking, which I maintain is probably the bigger issue. The thing with problem drinkers is that change is always vaguely on the horizon. When you get them on the ropes with hard evidence, they'll admit they have a problem, they'll loosely promise vague 'improvements' without committing to anything substantial, this is all standard. It's also generally bollocks.

Think about it: what do normal people do when they hit a rock bottom when it comes to booze? They just stop! And they can, easily, because they don't have a problem. I remember an ex and I were getting into horrible fights while drunk together, on the spot after one I just stopped drinking altogether for a few months because I wasn't happy with my own behaviour (I only started again because things improved and she asked me to because she didn't like drinking alone on dates). It was easy! Same ex? Had an issue herself. Would say all the right things when you'd pin her down, you'd leave a discussion about it feeling satisfied you'd reached an agreement only to find that, actually, nothing had changed (except then she'd go around doing sneaky stuff, not dissimilar to your boyfriend, like hiding a glass of wine)! And she hadn't promised jack in real terms, just stuff like 'cutting down' and 'improvements' that couldn't be quantified!

If he hasn't got a problem and admits he's unhappy himself, he can and should be able to just not drink for the foreseeable. If he can't do that, he needs help in the form of rehab etc. And if he doesn't do any of those things, sadly he's made his choice and you need to make yours.

Danny Donut

Exaspo wrote: »

To be honest, I am falling apart now. I want to undo what he has done. I want to forgive him, but at what point is enough, enough.

Exaspo just wanted to send a hug from a stranger on the internet.

People have offered some good advice above.

I wish you all the best.

MissShihTzu

I'm really sorry OP. The drinking, childish behaviour when he's with friends and the off-key remarks from a guest at a wedding you were both at? That alone would set off alarm bells.

I'm sorry, but I do not totally believe he doesn't remember either. I think he does, but chooses not to tell you. That is his right, but it is not fair to you.

Now he's brought you a visitor? Sorry, but he needs to hit the pavement. That's neither nice nor respectful. Personally, I would not put up with it.

But it's up to you. I really hope you find a way round this.

Whispered

He's very very unlucky to have gotten an std the one and only time he cheated. I reckon you only found out about this because you had to and I wouldn't be surprised if he had done it before. Whatever he did his friends knew and said nothing. This suggests to me that it's considered normal.

leggo

Also if it is somewhat normal, it might explain how the remark from the friend's girlfriend was so throwaway. If he's out disrespecting you when you're not there, maybe the friends mightn't respect you either for not seeing it (which is so unfair but happens) and that's kinda bleeding through.

suicide_circus

Sounds like he is a member of a group of lads to whom cheating is the norm, there are plenty of them.I've been on a good few stags at this stage now and not one sexual indiscretion occurred over the years. It's just not a feature of any of my mate's personalities.

When your partner gets an sti off some filthy yoke on a stag/hen it's tine to throw in the towel. Seriously.

Bambi985

Your boyfriend has a drink problem and he will absolutely not change. I’d bet my life on it, that’s how certain I am. They rarely if ever do.

I felt a real sadness reading your latest post because it’s obvious he has manipulated you. Don’t believe a word he says or a single promise he makes. They’re designed to keep you in he relationship and start questioning your own judgement. “Sure it was a stag, these things happen...sure he only does it every so often, it’s not like it’s every day...it was one indiscretion and at least he told me about the STI...” I know where you are OP. You’re willing to believe every lie because you love him and can’t imagine life without him. But you know deep down that you have nothing but a bleak and miserable future with him because he’s absolutely not going to change. You absolutely know that. I did too. And I walked.

There is life beyond this misery OP. Don’t try to reason with him because reasoning with an alcoholic is about as pointless as it gets.

Go and get yourself tested and stop any sexual activity with him. Can you stay with a friend or family member for a while? Is there anyone you can lean on in real life?

joeguevara

Bambi985 wrote: »

Your boyfriend has a drink problem and he will absolutely not change. I’d bet my life on it, that’s how certain I am. They rarely if ever do.

I felt a real sadness reading your latest post because it’s obvious he has manipulated you. Don’t believe a word he says or a single promise he makes. They’re designed to keep you in he relationship and start questioning your own judgement. “Sure it was a stag, these things happen...sure he only does it every so often, it’s not like it’s every day...it was one indiscretion and at least he told me about the STI...” I know where you are OP. You’re willing to believe every lie because you love him and can’t imagine life without him. But you know deep down that you have nothing but a bleak and miserable future with him because he’s absolutely not going to change. You absolutely know that. I did too. And I walked.

There is life beyond this misery OP. Don’t try to reason with him because reasoning with an alcoholic is about as pointless as it gets.

Go and get yourself tested and stop any sexual activity with him. Can you stay with a friend or family member for a while? Is there anyone you can lean on in real life?

Bit of a jump to say he has a drink problem and will never change. It is poor form everything that has happened especially going on second stag trip.

But it is unfair to diagnose him as having a drink problem. Also is it possible that he had the sti from before he met the op? A lot of people rarely get tested and have undiagnosed sti s. Also (and I don’t want to be crude) the op said it was a sex act that happened with the bar girl (supposedly) which appears to mean that it wasn’t actual sex. It is much harder to get an sti from let’s say oral or digital sex.

I am not standing up for the guy and I am not saying he is innocent but saying he has a drink problem and you bet your life he is guilty is unfair. Also, and I am certainly not saying this is true either, but the op may have given the boyfriend the sti from a past relationship.

However, if you both were tested at start of relationship before sex then disregard the above.

mapaca

I'm sorry this has happened to you OP, if it were me I would walk away now. He's too fond of the drink and has been unfaithful who knows how many times (and still won't admit to you what really happened on the stag etc). The trust is gone.

Bambi985

His behaviour is by definition problem drinking. The loss of control, blacking out, losing things, disappearing for days on end, doing this on a routine. Empty promises about quitting only to sign up to do it all again. I’m sick of people dancing around problem drinking in Ireland because “sure that’s what happens on a stag”.

The OP has stated his drinking has always bothered her and now he’s evidently acting like an irresponsible fcuker as a result of his drinking and signing up for more of it despite knowing that his relationship is on the brink. Problem drinking. I don’t care how uncomfortable that makes you. And IME this type of behaviour rarely just stops of its own accord, especially when the drinker isn’t even arsed trying to curtail it.

Big Bag of Chips

I'd wonder what sort of "sex act" performed in a pub would give him an STI? did he have full sex with her? Or is this just the tip of the iceberg and he routinely cheats on you? Either way his drinking is a problem. It may not be a problem for him, but it is causing you, and now your health very real problems. You don't have to put up with it. Your first line of your first post said you've had your ups and downs. How many ups and downs? And over what?

He might be a great fella. He might be really loving and affectionate at times. But that itself isn't enough to hold a relationship together. Walking away from this sort of thing isn't a sign of failure. It's a sign of someone very strong and able to say "enough" when things go past a certain point. And I think you've passed a certain point. I'd say he's not telling you the half of it.

Maryg3

OP very sorry to here what had happened to you, and when I read the part about him telling you about the Sti he caught i was so mad, what a total p**ck but at least this to be honest can be a wake up call for you to learn from such disrespect that you deserve more!!

Walk away from this relationship with your head held high, he has made a fool of you already it seems when one of his friends gf was clearly able to walk up to you and bring up a "sex act" so nonchalantly.

Forget about the drinking now let that be his problem not yours, if he is more fond of his lads nights/stag nights out and his drink then making you a priority then let him away, and when i say away, I mean off with him a single man so he can catch all he wants!!!

He told you to get checked for a Sti which means he did cheat and possibly is a cheater and that what ever "filthy yoke"( as one person described above) he was with he didn't even use protection, ( I know that's not the point, he shouldn't of cheated in the first place!!) but his friends obviously know, probably knew all along and nobody bothered to inform you apart from a very smart friends gf which probably wasn't done out of goodness more so pity towards you for being played by a complete **shole.

Walk away, walk away from it now and dont look back, and be great full that you may not have caught anything(fingers crossed you haven't).. And let him be someone else's problem!!!

Tuesday_Girl

suicide_circus wrote: »

Sounds like he is a member of a group of lads to whom cheating is the norm, there are plenty of them.I've been on a good few stags at this stage now and not one sexual indiscretion occurred over the years. It's just not a feature of any of my mate's personalities.

When your partner gets an sti off some filthy yoke on a stag/hen it's tine to throw in the towel. Seriously.

The 'filthy yoke' here is the one who cheated on a stag night and brought an STI home to his partner.

suicide_circus

Tuesday_Girl wrote: »

The 'filthy yoke' here is the one who cheated on a stag night and brought an STI home to his partner.

Oh 100% but if he got an sti from a "sex act" (usually referring to something none penetrative) chances are the other person involved wasn't clean as a whistle. Stands to reason.

Dial Hard

suicide_circus wrote:

Oh 100% but if he got an sti from a "sex act" (usually referring to something none penetrative) chances are the other person involved wasn't clean as a whistle. Stands to reason.

Or, y'know, he's lying through his teeth about this being the result of a once-off "act" with a bar girl.

suicide_circus

Dial Hard wrote: »

Or, y'know, he's lying through his teeth about this being the result of a once-off "act" with a bar girl.

Again, Yes 100% but we can only go on information provided. Either of you want to comment on the OP at all?

Dial Hard

suicide_circus wrote:

Again, Yes 100% but we can only go on information provided. Either of you want to comment on the OP at all?

Oh, wasn't I clear enough? I think he's lying through his teeth about this being the result of a once-off "act" with a bar girl.

The OP can do with that information what she will.

Teyla Emmagan

I hope you test clear OP. What a horrible thing to happen.

Sounds like the girlfriend knows a lot more about what happened on that stag night then you do. When I read your post I thought maybe she said something because she was disgusted with his behaviour. I can't imagine how you would get a STI from a non penetrative act either, and really how could everyone else know it was non penetrative unless it somehow happened in public. Your BF might be the joke of the group unfortunately

Exaspo

Thank you all for taking the time to reply to me.

Before stag 2 the girlfriend clarified to him that it was a harmless joke and she meant nothing by it. Really didn’t think he was capable of cheating. If he is capable of getting blackout drunk on a number of occasions and if this stag caused blackout sex of which he has zero recollection, how can he truly attest that it hasn’t happened on another occasion?

I don’t think his close friends are the serial cheater sort, but there were a lot of new and single lads on that stag who I don’t think would respect women or a relationship a whole lot to be honest. No excuse for my boyfriend to join ranks, it was his respect I needed.

Living overseas, no one close I could move in with. I had a good friend passing through which has helped but now she is gone so I need to make plans. I’m struggling with a range of emotions to be honest. Trying to hold it together at work and haven’t made any decisions because it feels like my brain is about to implode! We had a lot of wonderful plans lined up for this year and now I feel lost.

joeguevara

suicide_circus wrote: »

Oh 100% but if he got an sti from a "sex act" (usually referring to something none penetrative) chances are the other person involved wasn't clean as a whistle. Stands to reason.

Or the sti was contracted at a different time. Reading statistics and report is shocking of the amount of people who have chlamydia and have no clue. The atitude in Ireland towards sexual health and regular testing is shocking. I think the majority of people aged between 17 -30 have never had a test unless something disastrous happened like a one night stand where the condom broke.

Majority of people get stis from people they know and have unprotected sex with. Because they are familiar to them they don’t think they can contract anything. And rarely get tested because of that reason.

Without more information and taking the op on face value (sex act) it is unlikely that the ops boyfriend contracted the sti from that. Which leaves three scenarios. Either he contracted it from cheating during the relationship, brought it into the relationship or (and no disrespect) you brought it into relationship.

If you don’t trust him then it has to be game over. You will never get that back especially if you believe he knowingly gave you a disease or was so wreckless as to put you in that situation.

I think as big an issue is he completely disregarded your feelings and went to the second stag when he knew you were all over the place about what happened. That shows lack of respect and disloyalty.

The drinking thing is weird. No one can say he has a problem. But after everything that happened he should have laid off it and kissed ass and proved himself. That is the biggest issue.

nikkibikki

Exaspo wrote:

Before stag 2 the girlfriend clarified to him that it was a harmless joke and she meant nothing by it. Really didn’t think he was capable of cheating. If he is capable of getting blackout drunk on a number of occasions and if this stag caused blackout sex of which he has zero recollection, how can he truly attest that it hasn’t happened on another occasion?

To be honest, I wouldn't believe him that she clarified it. I would be talking to her myself, face to face, that way I have the best chance to catch if she is lying. I'd say he's either lying about it or she's back tracking to save a row with her own partner. If she knew that there's a chance he has passes an STI to you, it might make her feel "guilty" enough to tell you the truth.

He definitely has a drink problem. I would even say he is an alcoholic. I hope he is sufficiently shocked to do something about it. If it were me, I don't think I could stay with him if he stayed drinking. Maybe i could if he joined AA. There is a great organisation called So Anon who help the families of alcoholics, might be worth your while reaching out to them. It might help you understand his behaviour.

bucketybuck

I seen something that looked like a duck yesterday. It sounded like a duck as well, and moved like a duck would. I'm starting to think that it was actually a duck!

Sorry to be flippant but thats what I was thinking after reading the OP's words. When it comes to infidelity, drinking problems and trust she has been given some pretty big warning signs, and in my opinion should take heed of them.

nikkibikki

nikkibikki wrote:

He definitely has a drink problem. I would even say he is an alcoholic. I hope he is sufficiently shocked to do something about it. If it were me, I don't think I could stay with him if he stayed drinking. Maybe i could if he joined AA. There is a great organisation called So Anon who help the families of alcoholics, might be worth your while reaching out to them. It might help you understand his behaviour.

Al Anon is the organisation for families of alcoholics. Apologies, it got auto corrected.