Advertisement
If you have a new account but are having problems posting or verifying your account, please email us on hello@boards.ie for help. Thanks :)
Hello all! Please ensure that you are posting a new thread or question in the appropriate forum. The Feedback forum is overwhelmed with questions that are having to be moved elsewhere. If you need help to verify your account contact hello@boards.ie
My frame is killing my chances with females
Options
Comments
-
^This. A thousand times this.
Every boyfriend I ever had was a friend first. I know things are a bit different now and it seems to be about dating people you don't know etc. But if you can get to know women outside of just wanting to end up in a relationship with them then you are more likely to find someone you like, who likes you too, and who you click with.
The gym is fine, but it's not exactly a great place for meeting people. You need a more sociable outlet. Somewhere where men and women interact on a level that's not purely about 'cold hard results'. I always suggest drama groups. You don't have to want to be in stage. There are hundreds of jobs that need to be done in the background.
Make a few friends first, and then see where that leads.0 -
Honestly, I am not very sexually driven, I just like the feeling of being liked, you know? I used to be a bit of a romantic 8 years ago but I am definitely a lot more pragmatic now. I don't want LOVE, I wanted to be admired and someone that is desirable. That's it.
D-E-S-I-R-A-B-L-E.
I don't hate 'females' or see them as 'results' but in this context and in my scenario that's what it has become. Believe me, I would love nothing more than catch the gaze of a girl I am into, her to smile at me and have a great real conversation and take things from one thing to the next but it's just not how it works it seems.
BTW I never come across witty or try to, I just try to come across as sound. I'm too low IQ to be witty or charming.
I know what you're saying about humour being subjective but come on, it's always the same. It seems to be the same guys that are seen as funny(not comedian funny, but flirty attractive funny)
The gym of course isn't a precursor to being attractive. It's more facial attractiveness but I actually thought I had a handsome face and sometimes I do(depends on picture) and when I post pictures online I get told I'm way above average, legit hot, look like a cocky frat boy lmao, conventionally attractive. But I don't think this is what I look like or obviously isn't since based on these replies I should be beating off the girls with a stick.
I am also scared I'm gonna lose my looks because I'm just getting older and if I couldn't get girls in my peak, what chance will I have later :O0 -
HitMeLikeaHurricane wrote: »OP here,
Thanks for replies, it took me a while to log back in here.
TBH, there is probably a degree of coping blaming in on my frame entirely(also it is certainty a factor), I am also probably not as facially attractive as I think anyway(I just judge myself off best pics and not my awful selfies or what I look like in bad lighting, I just assume how the public sees me is how I look in my best pictures)
Personality wise, I can't change much tbh. I am losing my enthusiasm and rush of liking girls because I know inevitably they won't feel the same. Only recently I messaged a girl in the AM that I used to like a few years ago and she replied politely but swerved my obvious advances. It was pretty brutal. I thought my 'transformation' meant I just had to have 'confidence' to approach and she would reciprocate. Just further compounded that these girls don't like me, because if they did they would make their intentions clear.
My personality is terrible but I also think it's a two way street. It's terrible in a I'm just a regular guy who likes music and football and can't flirt for **** type of way. If a girl was reciprocal to my humour and demeanour I would buzz of them and be able to have a good rapport but girls are ambivalent towards me. I know that. I've seen guys who aren't funny that girls call funny because they are attracted to them.
Women can sense your neediness and approval seeking. As an experiment practice approaching women with the rule that you aren't allowed ask them out, if they ask you out tell them you're not interested. You only goal is to have fun.0 -
Mr. Incognito wrote: »Hello there
I'm 5'7 and stockier than you. Currently benching 100kg and squatting 120Kg so I'm no shrinking violet and I've been knocking it out of the park for years with the ladies
The secret is confidence. That's all there is too it. People are attracted to confident people. Work on yourself, your hobbies and interests.
I play music, write, work a lot, travel, hike, and date and have dated stunning looking women who are sound. Because I am sound.
Water attracts its own level. Work on yourself and people will respond to that self confidence.
And I havent stepped foot in a night club in years.
I cracked up at 'Because I am sound'0 -
‘Females’.
I couldn’t get past that hardly but the rest of your post only made it worse.
With any luck you’ll continue to struggle as long as you have that atiitude.
You need a serious attitude adjustment and start learning how to respect women.0 -
Advertisement
-
I'm aware of the irony of this but GET OFF THE INTERNET. Whatever websites and subreddits you're reading, stop. Try not to take a picture of yourself for whatever seems like a reasonable but challenging amount of time. Limit your social media.
You say you've tried being a confident and fun guy but it hasn't gotten results. So you haven't really tried to be a confident and fun guy, you've tried to project that image to get yourself some puss. Women see that straight the fcuk away. Wouldn't it be nice to actually be a fun and confident guy? Wouldn't a fun and confident mind be much nicer to live in, leaving aside romance and sex?
You are only one of a seemingly infinite amount of young men who need it explained to them that there is no universal cheat code for women*. Improving yourself, your life etc will increase your chances in a general way but it does not mean that any specific girl, even one you really like, will like you. Romantic rejection is awful, it never really gets easy, but we all have to learn to deal with it. Politely swerving away from a come-on is not "brutal".
I think you've gotten to the point where this is kind of like insomnia. You know where you lie awake night after night trying to sleep? The more you try, the worse it gets.
You need to shift your focus for a while. Work on your interests, your career, some other part of your life. Not, I repeat *NOT* to get a ride or a girlfriend, but for yourself.
Finding love is mostly sheer blind luck. You can't force it, you can't engineer it, you can't input a,b,c and out comes s,e,x. What you can do is be in the best shape possible for if it does come along. Be interesting. Like women. Relax!
*although definitely it won't hurt to never ever call women females.0 -
I cracked up at 'Because I am sound'
I thought so too, David Brent popped into my mind for some reason. =]
OP I think you just need to relax and stop focusing on "wanting to be" in the eyes of others.
I know previous posters are saying be a number of things like fun, witty and confident, but you can't force something you're not and you can smell such acts from a mile away.
Maybe find other outlets to meet people under than nightclubs and just get to know people instead of having "scoring" at the forefront of your mind. My fondest memories of connecting with people was when I wasn't even expecting or trying to make something happen.0 -
Oh did I mention that every girl has swerved on me hard. They like me and then boom, as soon as they get with me they lose the attraction straight away....I'm guessing because even though I've slept with like 5 girls I've never actually done anything beyond what second base(with use of my fingers sorry for the details) Girls don't want VIRGINS. ****. It's brutal. All my friends buy condoms and I've never bought them in my life. It's so sad. 28 years old. It's not cute or endearing anymore lol. There is a funny side to this but just can't believe it's the faith that befell me. Just like some are born poor and in horrible conditions, I was born without that spark to connect with girls. The adage it is what it is is what scares me.
Also I don't think I am disrespectful tonwomen, maybe I'm too respectful of anything. One time I had an 18 year old crush on me and I didn't do anything because she was just a kid(I was 26) that's not the actions of a guy who hates women0 -
Honestly, I am not very sexually driven, I just like the feeling of being liked, you know? I used to be a bit of a romantic 8 years ago but I am definitely a lot more pragmatic now. I don't want LOVE, I wanted to be admired and someone that is desirable. That's it.
D-E-S-I-R-A-B-L-E.
Ok so you want to be desirable? So does everyone else. But being physically attractive doesn't automatically equal desirable. And what's the point of being desirable if you don't want love? The main point of trying to be desirable is to find love with someone who desires you and you desire them.I don't hate 'females' or see them as 'results' but in this context and in my scenario that's what it has become. Believe me, I would love nothing more than catch the gaze of a girl I am into, her to smile at me and have a great real conversation and take things from one thing to the next but it's just not how it works it seems.
It's not. You're just being overly cynical. You contradict yourself by saying you don't see them as results but that is exactly what you go on to say you see them as. If you don't stop then it will become a self-fulfilling prophecy. It is how it works - I don't think things have changed that much. Why can't you catch her eye & smile at her and start the conversation. I waited for the guy I liked to do that and eventually thought "he's not going to so why don't I". Worked out pretty good for me.BTW I never come across witty or try to, I just try to come across as sound. I'm too low IQ to be witty or charming.
I know what you're saying about humour being subjective but come on, it's always the same. It seems to be the same guys that are seen as funny(not comedian funny, but flirty attractive funny)
They're the ones who aren't trying to be anything they're not.The gym of course isn't a precursor to being attractive. It's more facial attractiveness but I actually thought I had a handsome face and sometimes I do(depends on picture) and when I post pictures online I get told I'm way above average, legit hot, look like a cocky frat boy lmao, conventionally attractive. But I don't think this is what I look like or obviously isn't since based on these replies I should be beating off the girls with a stick.
Step away from the selfies and pictures and stop being so focused on looks. Being that focused on them is a huge turn off for 90% of people I know. Taking an interest in your looks is one thing and presenting yourself well but not where the focus should be. Look at all the conventionally good looking men who are famous who are terminally single. Yes they're good looking but at the end of the day it all comes down to personality and that will always be the most attractive feature of anyone.I am also scared I'm gonna lose my looks because I'm just getting older and if I couldn't get girls in my peak, what chance will I have later :O
Oh for the love of......seriously re-read this and try to understand how someone who is that caught up in their attractiveness and looks may not be the most appealing.
Plus a lot of guys get better looking as they get older.0 -
Honestly, OP, I do sort of know how you feel. By that, I know how hard it is to feel like nobody wants you, especially physically.
BUT I read your posts and actually they're not making my annoyed, or anything, moreso sad. Sad because you have it in your head that only good looking people are attractive. That's just not true.
I think the fact that you get comments on SM about being 'hot' etc feed into this. But the problem, I rekcon, isn't your looks. It's how you come across in person. That can;t be judged online too easily, but on this thread you do honestly come across as "hard work". I mean you're expecting women to want to be with you but you have major hangups about your IQ, sense of humour, and interests.
So honestly, use the determination and work ethic you obviously have (if you work out in the gym, trust me you have a work ethic that many of us don't possess!) to make changes in your personal life.
Try a new hobby, one that isn't physical based. No sports. Try something creative like a pottery class (I met lots of folks through mine and developed my creative side), woodwork, painting. Maybe learn to cook a few really lovely meals from scratch at home. Join a book club, find an author you really like. Find an interest and just enjoy it. Everyone needs to develop all the different sides to their personality in order to be attractive to other people.
And please, stop making women out to be some mysterious "group" that all think the same thing. We're not. 9 times out of 10 we just want to spend time with people we like, are nice, have a passion for something, and make us think and laugh. You'd be really surprised the amount of people - and this definitely stands for a lot of my female friends- that start to fancy someone after they spend time with them, not before.0 -
Advertisement
-
Oh did I mention that every girl has swerved on me hard. They like me and then boom, as soon as they get with me they lose the attraction straight away....
OP honestly that does sound like there isn't a problem attracting girls initially with looks but that it more is coming down to your personality and what you're like after that initial attraction. Which actually is the bit that is a bit easier to change than the physical. You need to work on your own confidence in your personality and who you are (ignoring all the physical parts) so that you aren't solely relying on looks to get you anywhere. It has nothing to do with how many girls you've been with or not been with. Actually if you're bringing that up it can be a turn off. Not because you're a virgin or anything but because of your insecurities around it. Own it. It is what it is.Also I don't think I am disrespectful tonwomen, maybe I'm too respectful of anything. One time I had an 18 year old crush on me and I didn't do anything because she was just a kid(I was 26) that's not the actions of a guy who hates women
That's not being too respectful, that's just being a decent enough guy. Although that said I went out with a 24 year old when I was 18 so I don't see that as being a big thing. Once someone is over 18, they're an adult.
I don't think you hate women but you have an odd notion about women and what they're looking for and you do come across as a bit angry about your lack of success with women and somewhat placing the cause of that anywhere but at what you can change yourself.0 -
Oh did I mention that every girl has swerved on me hard. They like me and then boom, as soon as they get with me they lose the attraction straight away....
Honestly man, that sounds like something you're doing after getting with them is turning them off. I'm not going to tell you what that is but if you're attracting women enough for them to make out with you, then your looks are CLEARLY not the problem.I'm guessing because even though I've slept with like 5 girls I've never actually done anything beyond what second base(with use of my fingers sorry for the details) Girls don't want VIRGINS. ****.
Most girls don't care. Honestly. I was a virgin until I was 21 and I've never done anything sexual with any other woman than my wife. So what?It's brutal. All my friends buy condoms and I've never bought them in my life. It's so sad. 28 years old. It's not cute or endearing anymore lol. There is a funny side to this but just can't believe it's the faith that befell me. Just like some are born poor and in horrible conditions, I was born without that spark to connect with girls. The adage it is what it is is what scares me.
That's utter and total bull****. You're still thinking about women as a different specific that you have to have spark with to connect to. It's nonsense.Also I don't think I am disrespectful tonwomen, maybe I'm too respectful of anything. One time I had an 18 year old crush on me and I didn't do anything because she was just a kid(I was 26) that's not the actions of a guy who hates women
There is NO SUCH THING as TOO RESPECTFUL. You're veering into the "I'm too nice, women only like assholes" territory and that is a big problem.
There's only so much advice you can get on a thread like this OP. Like I said, and like most people have said, you're blaming lots of things for your problems and not actually looking and reflecting deeply on how you can change.
Until you stop blaming anythign and everything, you'll get nowhere. Best of luck though.0 -
It's very easy to clutch at straws and tow the whole typical fake nice guy who thinks he deserves to get laid because he's nice. It is a lazy retort, and I've always thought so. The respectful comment I had a feeling would be scrutinised but let's look at the facts. Women don't like assholes...probably, but I don't think people actually know what they mean by nice guys. I actually don't think I'm all that nice, I was actually a very nice person at one time but I am pretty bitter and resentful now. I'm definitely not as dumb and innocent as I used to be. It just seems to be I'm swerved so easily....I definitely amn't good looking btw, I think maybe I used to be but not anymore. I went on Instagram and viewed many pictures of guys I know there and looked through all their last photos, oh what a surprise, all their pictures were liked by exes and flings that I know they've had, meanwhile girls that I struck lucky with DESPISE me and don't want anything to do with me. Yikes. It makes for tough reading.
Everywhere I go, I just imagine my ****ty narrow shoulders, my squatty body and my long face and it KILLS me, lmao I walked by about 30 schoolgirls on way to dart this morning and NOT ONE damn look. Put me in a bad mood for the day. So much so I went to McDonalds and gorged on 3 milkshakes and two big mac meals because don't see the point of looking after myself. This will probably be short lived when I begin to cope again when I put up another video or pic of me in favourable lighting and get told 'GIRLS are intimidated by you probably or think you're an asshole'
Also @babyandcrumble you said you were a virgin till 21, yeah you were basically a kid, I'm a man bud. Most girls have been on the circuit many years at this stage, I'm being left behind bro. GIRLS actually VALUE sex the older they get. They will have HIGHER expectations and DEMAND you are good at it. Don't live up and it's lights out. Oh did I mention I'm not exactly killing it in the you know where department!
@withgirl, nice words, appreciate your empathy, but unfortunately I'm actually not funny. I have a goofy demeanour but not funny at all. Girls won't ever like me because I make them laugh. Thats for sure0 -
Also I don't think I am disrespectful tonwomen, maybe I'm too respectful of anything. One time I had an 18 year old crush on me and I didn't do anything because she was just a kid(I was 26) that's not the actions of a guy who hates women
Being respectful to the women in your family and immediate friend and work group does not mean you are respectful to all women. Not trying to be hard nosed here, but from everything you are saying, something in your behaviour and demeanour is ultimately pushing women away.0 -
You talk very negatively about yourself. You're very hard on yourself. This negativity that you have is crushing.
The way you talked about going into McDonalds and gorging. Thats veering into disorder territory.
You're talking about not getting looked at by schoolgirls? You know that school girls don't typically look at older guys right?
From what I can see, you have major hangups about yourself, and you could benefit from dealing with your mental health.
When the posters here are talking about working on yourself, I think that's what most of them mean. Did anybody give you praise growing up? Were you raised in confidence. Can you right now (to yourself) name 10 good things about you. Name 5 good things that your friends would say about you? What are your best qualities?
What are the good things in your life? Are you happy with your education, your employment prospects?
Do you have a good eye for fashion? Do you like your hair? Have you style? Honestly there are lots of things that can get on top of a person, and you sound like a very angry, very lonely, very hurt young man.
Please consider speaking with somebody about your mental health, and how you process all of these feelings.
I think that is the best make over you can give yourself.0 -
flacoandaluz wrote: »It's very easy to clutch at straws and tow the whole typical fake nice guy who thinks he deserves to get laid because he's nice. It is a lazy retort, and I've always thought so.
I'm not sure what you mean by that. You do realise that most guys aren't being a fake nice guy. A lot of them are just being themselves and genuinely are nice guys.
And no one "deserves" to get laid.flacoandaluz wrote: »The respectful comment I had a feeling would be scrutinised but let's look at the facts. Women don't like assholes...probably, but I don't think people actually know what they mean by nice guys. I actually don't think I'm all that nice, I was actually a very nice person at one time but I am pretty bitter and resentful now. I'm definitely not as dumb and innocent as I used to be.
Trust me most women know what they mean by a nice guy. It's a guy who isn't completely hung up on himself; who's good to be around; isn't an ass to other people (male or female); isn't a jerk in general; has a good personality that works with your own. That's a nice guy. It's not some mythical formula.
I think you need to look at why you're bitter and resentful. If it solely comes down to your ability to attract people then that is a problem.flacoandaluz wrote: »It just seems to be I'm swerved so easily....I definitely amn't good looking btw, I think maybe I used to be but not anymore. I went on Instagram and viewed many pictures of guys I know there and looked through all their last photos, oh what a surprise, all their pictures were liked by exes and flings that I know they've had, meanwhile girls that I struck lucky with DESPISE me and don't want anything to do with me. Yikes. It makes for tough reading.
I've a few exes but I think I've kept in touch with maybe 2 or 3. They don't often like pictures of mine on social media or vice versa. Social media likes mean literally nothing so stop focusing on things like that.
Maybe look at why things went wrong with your exes and why you think they despise you. Was it something to do with your attitude and demeanour? Or was it a case of bad timing for both. Or is it, possibly the more realistic case, that they don't despise you but actually just don't think about you at all as you're an ex. I can honestly say that I don't think about my exes much at all!flacoandaluz wrote: »Everywhere I go, I just imagine my ****ty narrow shoulders, my squatty body and my long face and it KILLS me, lmao I walked by about 30 schoolgirls on way to dart this morning and NOT ONE damn look. Put me in a bad mood for the day. So much so I went to McDonalds and gorged on 3 milkshakes and two big mac meals because don't see the point of looking after myself. This will probably be short lived when I begin to cope again when I put up another video or pic of me in favourable lighting and get told 'GIRLS are intimidated by you probably or think you're an asshole'
Ok you have some serious self-esteem issues going on here. Why the hell would a group of schoolgirls look at you as if they're interested. Speaking as someone who was a schoolgirl there is no way in hell I would have bothered looking at most guys who passed me by who were older than my own siblings. If you're looking for validation of your self from strangers that is a big problem.
Honestly it really does sound like you have some issues in that regards going on and maybe you could do with some councilling in regards those. Especially if you're so affected by a group of girls not looking at you that you felt the need to gorge on food. That isn't normal behaviour or a normal reaction.flacoandaluz wrote: »Also @babyandcrumble you said you were a virgin till 21, yeah you were basically a kid, I'm a man bud. Most girls have been on the circuit many years at this stage, I'm being left behind bro. GIRLS actually VALUE sex the older they get. They will have HIGHER expectations and DEMAND you are good at it. Don't live up and it's lights out. Oh did I mention I'm not exactly killing it in the you know where department!
12 is not a kid. At 21 I had finished college and was in full time work while studying for a professional qualification. You're the one acting more like a kid than a man with those comments.
Girls value personality a lot more than anything to do with sex the older they get. We don't have "higher expectations" nor do we "demand you are good at it". We have expectations of someone who'll listen to our wants in regards it and to be fair - what one person likes is very different to the next so there's not really such thing as being "good" at sex.
Size isn't everything - it's about a connection between two people.flacoandaluz wrote: »@withgirl, nice words, appreciate your empathy, but unfortunately I'm actually not funny. I have a goofy demeanour but not funny at all. Girls won't ever like me because I make them laugh. Thats for sure
You don't know that for sure. I know a lot of girls who didn't find my OH funny but I did. His humour and mine worked well together. You don't need all girls to like it.0 -
I’m only going to reply once more and I’m out of this conversation.
Many people have given you some great advice on thread. You need to read it again, and really think about it.
You have really strange ideas about women. You got so depressed that teenaged girls didn’t fawn all
Over you that you gorged on junk food. That’s bizarre.
You are blaming everything on your lack of connection with women, but you have said really clearly a few times that after girls get to know you they don’t like you. I don’t want to be rude but maybe that’s your common denominator.
You kind of come across like a bit of an asshole. You want attention. You want it now. You want it your way. You’re blaming women for being a virgin, you’re blaming them for not fancying you, for not liking you. YOU don’t even like you, why on earth would someone else?
I really have tried to help you, but you won’t really listen. The only thing you took out of my last post was the fact I was “a kid” at 21. At 21 I’d been living independently for 3 years, was in the final year of my degree which I was putting myself through by working as a care assistant in a mental health facility. I was not a child. I was a hell of a lot more mature then than you’re being in this thread, frankly.
I hope, for your sake, you think about what people are really saying to you on this thread. Otherwise I fear you’re going to keep on becoming more bitter and twisted towards women, and yourself. I hope you find a way to love yourself, and someone else.
All the best.0 -
OP you have some issues going on there. Because some teenager girls didnt look at you you wernt happy!!! Seriouly?? Ive been looking through this post for the last few days and you have been given excellent advice but you come back and dismiss the advice because it not what you want to hear.
Try making arrangements to talk about CBT with a counsellor because god forbide if you did meet a girl and with your state of mind your going to cause untold damage to both youself and the girl with your attitude and your wants and expectations.
Put your ego away and go back over your first post and break it down on paper point by point and what you would LIKE..not what you WANT just simplify it.0 -
Join Date:Posts: 25439
Baby & Crumble has a very valid point and possibly the crux of your issue: if you don't like yourself all that much, you can't expect people to like you more than you.
You sound angry and lonely and frustrated. But those feelings can be as temporary as you want them to be but at the moment those could be the vibes that you give off to a potential date and what makes them swerve you. The common denominator is you. Would you be willing to ask someone in your life who can be counted on to be brutally honest what they think the issue is? Preferably a woman but a man that could be objective and observant would help too. It's an often trotted out cliche here but counselling can really help people to look at a situation in a different light, and I think you would find it helpful.
You are capable of working on changing what you don't like about yourself - it sounds like you've done some great work on your physical appearance in the gym so you are more than capable of giving your mind and your outlook the same attention.
I've dated guys that my friends didn't think were attractive. I found him attractive and that's what counted. I've dated short, tall, ugly, gorgeous men. The most conventionally gorgeous of them all actually had a really awful personality and remains to this day the worst boyfriend I've every had. Looks only get you the initial couple of dates. After that, your personality has to be the thing that keeps the person wanting to stick around.
If you are getting to the point where you are getting intimate with a woman - and you have in the past - are you being responsive to her? Checking she's liking what you are doing, checking she's into it as much as you are? Being inexperienced is not a problem, but if for example you were doing moves that would be typical of what you'd see in porn, that is often very off-putting in a new partner and actually shows inexperience rather than experience.0 -
I was in a similar situation to you in my early twenties. I had to have a long hard look at myself and work on some things. I was too eager, too skinny, didn’t stand up straight and was too serious. So I hit the gym 10-20 hours a week, bulked up and improved my posture. I learned to handle rejection and took myself less seriously. Got more qualified and improved my career as well as reading lots of different subjects. Dressed and groomed better. Also done smile therapy, smiling makes you feel better and makes you way more approachable. I shifted my goals from trying to meet girls to having fun myself first. The end result was that I drastically improved my situation. Things became far easier.
The thing is at your age it can be a hard time for guys. There are more single guys than girls because many women date older guys. Women can also hit above their weight for casual flings and hookups. This will change from your late twenties as there will be more single women than men and they will be more relationship focused. I think this is the reason women struggle to meet relationship focused guys at this age, that many guys find themselves with way more options than they had before. I’m in my mid thirties now and mostly dating women in their mid to late twenties as there is just less pressure to commit quickly.
My advice is to sit down and have a hard look at yourself and see what you can improve. Turn this bad experience into something positive.0 -
Advertisement
-
I think my problem is the gap between how I'm perceived online vs real life. On Tinder, Instagram etc. I get many likes and matches. I would say I match with 80 per cent of girls I swipe on Tinder and Bumble and I am extremely selective. I look like a legit top 10 per cent guy at times in my webcam and pics but irl I get crap comparisons and zero compliments. i got nominated in my workplaces awards for a guy that looks nothing like me except for having similar hair colour and eyebrows so I know where I work I'm not perceived as good looking. But then every so often, I'll get a big compliment. For example one time I was away and made friends with 4 Australian guys, really typical Home&Away Australians, tall, tanned and handsome, we saw a group of girls and one of the guys said I should get go up and talk to them because I was the 'best looking here' I was shocked but it made sense. So it's this disconnect between all these compliments but then fairly little irl. I think that's what I meant by 'cold hard results'.0
-
justanexplanation wrote: »I think my problem is the gap between how I'm perceived online vs real life. On Tinder, Instagram etc. I get many likes and matches. I would say I match with 80 per cent of girls I swipe on Tinder and Bumble and I am extremely selective. I look like a legit top 10 per cent guy at times in my webcam and pics but irl I get crap comparisons and zero compliments. i got nominated in my workplaces awards for a guy that looks nothing like me except for having similar hair colour and eyebrows so I know where I work I'm not perceived as good looking. But then every so often, I'll get a big compliment. For example one time I was away and made friends with 4 Australian guys, really typical Home&Away Australians, tall, tanned and handsome, we saw a group of girls and one of the guys said I should get go up and talk to them because I was the 'best looking here' I was shocked but it made sense. So it's this disconnect between all these compliments but then fairly little irl. I think that's what I meant by 'cold hard results'.
You're still missing the point that the majority of posts have made here. It's nothing to do with your looks and all to do with your attitude.
No one swiping left or right on Tinder knows what you are like. Presumably you pick what you think are your best photos to put up on it. You're not putting up the angry scowling aggressive face that girls see in pubs and clubs.
Also in real life people don't spend their day going around complimenting each others looks.
The disconnect between likes on line and in real life? People put photos of themselves online specifically to get likes and compliments, no more than yourself. It's attention seeking and people respond to it, sometimes out of politeness, sometimes it's genuine, sometimes because it's easy to do even if they are lying. Sometimes it because they feel that if they like your picture, you will reciprocate and like theirs. They want attention too.
It doesn't happen in real life because people don't go around saying 'don't I look fantastic today, tell me how fabulous I look' because they would be swiftly told where to go, but that is essentially what they are doing when they post online. It's more passive attention seeking online, because you can choose to ignore it or choose to like it even if you don't, as the person in the picture doesn't get to see your true reaction.
This is the same for people who have endless pictures of their kids on their feed. Just more attention seeking.
You really need to sit down and ask yourself why you seem to need constant validation in real life through compliments. Or why you expect a group of teenage girls to stop and stare when you pass. You are not living in a Hollywood movie.0 -
justanexplanation wrote: »For example one time I was away and made friends with 4 Australian guys, really typical Home&Away Australians, tall, tanned and handsome, we saw a group of girls and one of the guys said I should get go up and talk to them because I was the 'best looking here' I was shocked but it made sense.
I wonder was he taking the piss? It seems like a very weird thing to say. I wonder had they picked up on your obsession with your looks and said it tongue in cheek to you?
You are obsessed with your looks. People here are pointing out to you that it is not about looks but you're not listening. Look around you. Look at your friends, colleagues, neighbours, strangers in Tesco etc. Are only the stunningly attractive people in relationships? No. The average person is 'average'. Yet there are plenty of average looking people in great relationships.
You could be scientifically the most perfect specimen of man every created. But it'd mean nothing if you're dull as dish water. If you are obsessed with your looks and obsessed with how others perceive you and your looks then you're really not going to be a fun date. Looks might get you that initial 'swipe', but looks alone are not going to be enough to keep anyone interested for long. That's when you need to back it up with a bit of substance.0 -
rainbowtrout wrote: »You're still missing the point that the majority of posts have made here. It's nothing to do with your looks and all to do with your attitude.
No one swiping left or right on Tinder knows what you are like. Presumably you pick what you think are your best photos to put up on it. You're not putting up the angry scowling aggressive face that girls see in pubs and clubs.
Also in real life people don't spend their day going around complimenting each others looks.
The disconnect between likes on line and in real life? People put photos of themselves online specifically to get likes and compliments, no more than yourself. It's attention seeking and people respond to it, sometimes out of politeness, sometimes it's genuine, sometimes because it's easy to do even if they are lying. Sometimes it because they feel that if they like your picture, you will reciprocate and like theirs. They want attention too.
It doesn't happen in real life because people don't go around saying 'don't I look fantastic today, tell me how fabulous I look' because they would be swiftly told where to go, but that is essentially what they are doing when they post online. It's more passive attention seeking online, because you can choose to ignore it or choose to like it even if you don't, as the person in the picture doesn't get to see your true reaction.
This is the same for people who have endless pictures of their kids on their feed. Just more attention seeking.
You really need to sit down and ask yourself why you seem to need constant validation in real life through compliments. Or why you expect a group of teenage girls to stop and stare when you pass. You are not living in a Hollywood movie.
See you say that but it's kinda hard for me to ration that. I remember I liked a girl years ago(the girl I messaged a few months back that swerved me) and she ended up going for this player type. I was kinda cute back then but I always took this to be raw sort of sexual lust winning out over boy next door charm. She was the first girl I ever liked and really got to know so when she swerved me all those years ago it left me with a bitter pill to swallow. What did she not see in me? It had to be LOOKS. Then I see any guy I know who I'd consider a good looking guy, the best looking of them aren't players but they have girlfriends and I'm sure these girls made it easy for them.
I don't know what it is. For me it's one of 3 things:
My body type is small, I have damn narrow shoulders which kills my physique. Everybody knows girls love broad guys. I'm a little diminutive runt.
My looks aren't as good as they appear in my pics :O
My personality is terrible. I am such a pleasant guy but I'm sure people find me boring. I am like a wallflower...hopefully very aesthetic wallflower but a wallflower none the less.
I don't want to care about my looks, tbh I think it's cringe to care so much, but the hand I've been dealt means I have to emphasise my looks as best I can. I am on a few different forums with guys like myself and based on their pics I think the problem is that these guys are better looking than average, sometimes a fair bit so, so are not as approachable but then not good looking enough to have strangers approach.
I would love to know the answer to your questions, I suppose I just wanna feel valued and embraced. I've never experienced the feeling of a girl really being into me, like really liking who I am, maybe infatuation or brief lust but never genuine long lasting affection.0 -
Big Bag of Chips wrote: »I wonder was he taking the piss? It seems like a very weird thing to say. I wonder had they picked up on your obsession with your looks and said it tongue in cheek to you?
You are obsessed with your looks. People here are pointing out to you that it is not about looks but you're not listening. Look around you. Look at your friends, colleagues, neighbours, strangers in Tesco etc. Are only the stunningly attractive people in relationships? No. The average person is 'average'. Yet there are plenty of average looking people in great relationships.
You could be scientifically the most perfect specimen of man every created. But it'd mean nothing if you're dull as dish water. If you are obsessed with your looks and obsessed with how others perceive you and your looks then you're really not going to be a fun date. Looks might get you that initial 'swipe', but looks alone are not going to be enough to keep anyone interested for long. That's when you need to back it up with a bit of substance.
Nah, he wasn't, I only met them. You wouldn't think I care about my looks if you met me in person. I dress alright and look after myself but I'm not some pompous twat prancing around. And I was looking pretty well back then too. I have a good face if it is anyway what it looks like on my webcam. It made sense in the context of how I met them, people are always nicer when meeting new people and non-Irish are always more complimentary I find.0 -
runningmymind wrote: »See you say that but it's kinda hard for me to ration that. I remember I liked a girl years ago(the girl I messaged a few months back that swerved me) and she ended up going for this player type. I was kinda cute back then but I always took this to be raw sort of sexual lust winning out over boy next door charm. She was the first girl I ever liked and really got to know so when she swerved me all those years ago it left me with a bitter pill to swallow. What did she not see in me? It had to be LOOKS. Then I see any guy I know who I'd consider a good looking guy, the best looking of them aren't players but they have girlfriends and I'm sure these girls made it easy for them.
You still aren't going to accept it. He was probably friendly, had a bit of charm, asked her a few questions about herself. That stuff is not rocket science.
You're back to insulting women again. What do you mean that these girls made it easy for them. You're assuming that all women want boyfriends based on their looks. And you are wrong. Very wrong.runningmymind wrote: »I don't know what it is. For me it's one of 3 things:
My body type is small, I have damn narrow shoulders which kills my physique. Everybody knows girls love broad guys. I'm a little diminutive runt.
My looks aren't as good as they appear in my pics :O
My personality is terrible. I am such a pleasant guy but I'm sure people find me boring. I am like a wallflower...hopefully very aesthetic wallflower but a wallflower none the less.
Nope. You do not speak for all of the women of the world. Women like men of all shapes and sizes.... and personalities. If women only liked broad guys, then skinny men would have been wiped out genetically years ago. Take a look around you at couples you see in public. There are all sorts of people in relationships.runningmymind wrote: »
I don't want to care about my looks, tbh I think it's cringe to care so much, but the hand I've been dealt means I have to emphasise my looks as best I can. I am on a few different forums with guys like myself and based on their pics I think the problem is that these guys are better looking than average, sometimes a fair bit so, so are not as approachable but then not good looking enough to have strangers approach.
I would love to know the answer to your questions, I suppose I just wanna feel valued and embraced. I've never experienced the feeling of a girl really being into me, like really liking who I am, maybe infatuation or brief lust but never genuine long lasting affection.
Those forums you are on are probably doing you more harm than good. They are probably full of men who are of a similar mindset to you reinforcing this notion that you need to look a certain way for women to look at you.
It's quite simple. Don't be a prick. I can't speak for all women, but if you are going to be aggressive, bitter, mean spirited and view women as results I wouldn't give you the time of day no matter what you looked like.
However be open and friendly, treat women you are interacting with with respect and don't be under any illusion that you are entitled to score. Women might speak to you out of politeness, or because they enjoy chatting to people when they are out, or because they are interested, but they are not obliged to take it any further if they don't want to.
Like this girl you keep harping on about. You liked her, she didn't like you. There's nothing more to it, she was not obliged to be interested in you, but you are treating her as if she was. She can be interested in whomever she wants.runningmymind wrote: »I would love to know the answer to your questions, I suppose I just wanna feel valued and embraced. I've never experienced the feeling of a girl really being into me, like really liking who I am, maybe infatuation or brief lust but never genuine long lasting affection.
You are not going to get that from expecting people to stop and stare at you on the street. You will get it from meaningful interactions with women where you genuinely engage with them, sometimes without expecting anything back in return.0 -
You don't have to be a pompous twat in order for people to get a vibe off you. You are obsessed with your looks. And on thread here you're not coming across as a pompous twat but yet we all see very clearly that you are obsessed with your looks. You're needy. And that is coming across here more than anything else, and if girls aren't sticking around for too long after your initial meeting something is coming across to them too.
And, repeat... It is nothing to do with your looks. Your looks are attracting people initially. It's what's happening after that initial attraction that is the problem. You're solely focusing on looks and completely disregarding everything else people are saying to you.
For that reason, I don't see any point in letting the thread continue. It is going around in circles with you unwilling/unable to listen to anything anyone is saying. You have the story written in your head and nobody here is going to change that for you.
Thread locked0
This discussion has been closed.
Advertisement