Flirting while in a relationship

NearlyForty

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

I hate to say it but that is something that crossed my mind too.

Were the babies planned, by the way?

Yes, the pregnancy was planned
Oddly enough, he can't wait for them to arrive
Seeing as his mind seems elsewhere on other matters..

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5

I'd be very concerned about the fact that he's not even doing the usual thing of swearing it won't happen again, he's so sorry etc, but instead has you doubting yourself that it's even a big deal.

With two newborn babies and you wrecked and hormonal I can see that very easily evolving into "sure you're busy with the babies, men have needs, it's purely sexual not emotional, I'm only out getting the ride but it's you and the babies I love and provide for, stop overreacting would you". You hear enough of that post hoc rationalising horse crap from men who at least have the sense to hide their behaviour. He travels away for work yeah?

I understand the impending newborns hugely complicate the situation. Counselling is an option, but I'd also be inclined to do that while separated.

pickarooney

Ask him straight out what he would do if one of the women replied inviting him over for sex. No talking around the issue, just what his exact reaction would be.

NearlyForty

pickarooney wrote: »

Ask him straight out what he would do if one of the women replied inviting him over for sex. No talking around the issue, just what his exact reaction would be.

I had been thinking about that myself..
But I honestly don't think he would, I'm not trying to condone his actions, I do believe he's texting others to prove his self worth. It's no excuse as he's hurting me in the process.

NearlyForty

Josiah Putrid King wrote: »

I'd be very concerned about the fact that he's not even doing the usual thing of swearing it won't happen again, he's so sorry etc, but instead has you doubting yourself that it's even a big deal.

With two newborn babies and you wrecked and hormonal I can see that very easily evolving into "sure you're busy with the babies, men have needs, it's purely sexual not emotional, I'm only out getting the ride but it's you and the babies I love and provide for, stop overreacting would you". You hear enough of that post hoc rationalising horse crap from men who at least have the sense to hide their behaviour. He travels away for work yeah?

I understand the impending newborns hugely complicate the situation. Counselling is an option, but I'd also be inclined to do that while separated.

I completely see what you mean.
And with regards to working away, he's actually quite local, but there is the odd occasion where they have to upskill up the country to where the main college is
To be fair, as I said in a previous post, he doesn't have much of a chance to actually be away to physically cheat.. if he's not at work, which is quite a tasking job, he's at home with me

pickarooney

Do you mind clarifying what the content of the texts are? You start by describing it as flirting and then as 'sexting' (your quotes) as though you either aren't entirely sure if they are sex texts, or if you know full well they are but don't want people to write your boyfriend off before you've had a chance to give another side to him. You haven't, though, you've described an obnoxious, self-absorbed individual who, on the face of it, would be the last person someone would want to have twins with.

So, leaving apart the stress of your current situation, if you had just met this man a month ago and found out that he was sending these messages to another woman and didn't consider it unusual behaviour, what exactly would make you want to keep going out with him?

NearlyForty

pickarooney wrote: »

Do you mind clarifying what the content of the texts are? You start by describing it as flirting and then as 'sexting' (your quotes) as though you either aren't entirely sure if they are sex texts, or if you know full well they are but don't want people to write your boyfriend off before you've had a chance to give another side to him. You haven't, though, you've described an obnoxious, self-absorbed individual who, on the face of it, would be the last person someone would want to have twins with.

So, leaving apart the stress of your current situation, if you had just met this man a month ago and found out that he was sending these messages to another woman and didn't consider it unusual behaviour, what exactly would make you want to keep going out with him?

I know what you're saying.. He's a flirter by nature. That part never bothered me as I always thought it was just innocent banter, like what we all do. I work in a male dominant environment and have seen & experience a lot with regards to flirting etc.. But we know where to draw the line, Whereas recently I discovered a bit more than that in his messages to one particular girl..and it had been going on for months. I haven't actually confronted him on it yet as it scares me.
I came on here with the heading 'flirting' initially, when really I should have thrown up, 'it has turned to sexting and I don't know what to think or do about it' sort of way..?
What I did do on Saturday when he got back, was confide in him that I felt something wasn't right between us, that I was worried and how we need to do something about it before it gets worse. I told him I had suspicions of him texting other women and being very distant with me, as since I became pregnant he's been afraid to come near me.. I told him certain 'things' are unacceptable & that I won't be standing for it. He's a strong guy that wouldn't show much emotion but I upset him, I could see it in him that he was hiding something but he wasn't admitting to anything. I could have tackled the issue of what I saw but couldn't bring myself to do it. I'm not sure where to go from here..
Of course he done the usual 'I'm sorry if I made you feel like that, I love you & want to spend the rest of my life with you'....blah blah....

In reference to your last bit, there's a lot of qualities about him that I love, to be fair, but had I known he does this purely for his own kicks, without so much as a hint of remorse, while in a loving relationship and with 2 babies on the way, of course I would have stayed away. I wouldn't do that to a guy thinking it was perfectly okay, so why should I put up with it?
It's this recent sexting discovery is what has come down on me like a tonne of bricks.. The sending graphic pictures of each other back & forth with the what I would do to you etc etc.. I did notice that she instigated a good bit of the conversations but he wasn't backing away either, at one point I saw that she asked him 'so are we actually going to meet eventually or just keep chatting' and he replied 'we'll keep chatting'
The last contact being made a few weeks ago but I'm not sure if there's been anything since

Neyite

The sending graphic pictures of each other back & forth with the what I would do to you etc etc..

That's not flirting. That's the start of an affair.

Don't be so sure that there's no opportunity for sex either. Lots of people can fit in a shag at lunchtime, or take an hour away from work here and there, I've even seen where a couple both worked from home together and were around each other 24/7 and he still managed to shag someone almost daily. He fitted it in with walking the dog you see.

He needs to be willing to stop any kind of "flirting" immediately. If you love someone why would you continue to do something that's clearly hurtful to them? He needs to be willing to block her entirely on all social media. If he's not, then he's not sorry, just sorry he got caught and he'll cover his tracks better in future.

NearlyForty

Neyite wrote: »

That's not flirting. That's the start of an affair.

Am I stupid for not seeing this? Christ..

I think I'm just in denial

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Ursus Horribilis

Perhaps your definition of flirting differs from mine. I'd define your boyfriend not as "flirtatious" but as a randy sleazebag. The one thing that's coming through again and again here is your tendency to minimise what has been happening. I also think you're afraid to fully confront him because you sense it's going to bring the whole house down. Nowhere in your boyfriend's reactions am I seeing remorse, an acknowledgement of what he's doing or promises to stop. I think you know this too. And that it's going to continue indefinitely.

cailin.

Well done for beginning the conversation OP but like it has been suggested, you really are minimising the extent of his behaviour.

When you spoke to him on Saturday you only alluded to suspicion that you have about him texting other people. The problem with people who are as manipulative as your boyfriend, is that they know just how much of the truth to tell you in order to feel as though they are being "honest". You need to sit down with him properly, and tell him out straight all of the worries and evidence that you have found on his phone. If you imagine your friend was in this situation, and had the impending arrivals of two babies, what would you tell her to say?
You told him that "some things are unacceptable", but you need to be completely honest with yourself here. All of the behaviour you're describing is completely unacceptable. He doesn't sound like he's sorry and he will likely continue messaging others.

It's understandable that you are scared and worried about his reaction, but I really think you should take heed of the advice that has been given. The signs and behaviour that you are describing so far is indicative of what your boyfriend may progress to in the future. He is full on having an emotional affair with someone. Your boyfriend is fully responsible for his behaviour in all of this and there is really no excuse under the sun that I would be accepting from him to justify it. If he hasn't taken up these offers of sex, or casual fun to date, I would imagine that at some point in the future he will.

It has already gone too far now, he has absolute disrespect for you as his partner and future mother of his children.

Do you have someone who can support you during this OP, a sister or a friend?

TheMilkyPirate

NearlyForty wrote: »

I had been thinking about that myself..
But I honestly don't think he would, I'm not trying to condone his actions, I do believe he's texting others to prove his self worth. It's no excuse as he's hurting me in the process.

I'm sorry but you are delusional if you really believe that he wouldn't act on it.

NearlyForty

cailin. wrote: »

Do you have someone who can support you during this OP, a sister or a friend?

I haven't told anyone else, apart from here, because I'm ashamed of it and don't want anyone that knows me to feel sorry for me, with the situation I'm in

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seenitall

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

Perhaps your definition of flirting differs from mine. I'd define your boyfriend not as "flirtatious" but as a randy sleazebag. The one thing that's coming through again and again here is your tendency to minimise what has been happening. I also think you're afraid to fully confront him because you sense its going to bring the whole house down. Nowhere in your boyfriend's reactions am I seeing remorse acknowledgement of what he's doing or promises to stop. I think you know this too. And that it's going to continue indefinitely.

This post is spot on, IMO.

Hi OP,

I don't care what he says, you know the one about actions and words?

This man doesn't love you.

If he doesn't love you now, he never will.

I know it is a horribly difficult thing to process in the situation you are in, but imo this situation will only get harder and harder for you to stand as time goes by.

I was once left alone and pregnant in a foreign country and it's been the making of me. I am actually grateful now to my ex that he dumped me, because I never would have left him, in spite of the fact he didn't love me - I was too worn down, defeated, scared, confidence shattered.

Years later, you wouldn't know me. I am strong, busy, loving life no matter what it throws at me. I am successfully coparenting with the aforementioned ex. It all turned out for the best, just because one of us did have enough integrity, strength, werewithal in them to go - hold on, this isn't working, I don't like you, I don't love you, it's over. Not go sneaking around, lying and enjoying another woman's attention on his privates.

Someone will have to pull the plug sooner or later, and it looks like it will have to be you. Remember, no matter what he says. You know it is the only thing that makes sense, you are just scared. I was scared too. But I had to go through fear in order to move toward a full life. I hope you love yourself enough to do the right thing for yourself here. I didn't, it was done for me, but the result is what matters; a full life, uncomplicated by the emotional torture of loving someone who doesn't love you back.

Very best wishes.

qwerty13

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Youve nothing to be ashamed of.

Keeping it a secret is what allows him to minimise it to you so much. If he knew that your family and friends knew about it he would know that he couldnt get away with minimising it.[/quote]

OP - you said this earlier in the thread. “it has definitely been girls that he knows, colleagues, friends and most recently a sister of his best friend?” I would say it is a very safe bet that your BF is well known as being a sleazy git.

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5

"Whereas recently I discovered a bit more than that in his messages to one particular girl..and it had been going on for months. I haven't actually confronted him on it yet as it scares me.[...]
He's a strong guy that wouldn't show much emotion but I upset him, I could see it in him that he was hiding something but he wasn't admitting to anything. I could have tackled the issue of what I saw but couldn't bring myself to do it."

There is something in you that is really resisting and fearful of pushing this conversation. I think maybe part of you feels it's going to lead to very painful discoveries. Those discoveries will not, in the long term, be as painful as a lifetime with this man where you're worried and suspicious and doubting yourself. Of course you don't want to get distraught because of the babies but you're doing this for their good too.

People fcuk up, relationships survive. To me, and this might be a minority view, the failure to hide his activity and carrying on with women he knows is more suggestive of a total fcuking idiot than a calculating schemer, though as I said his reaction of painting you as jealous and irrational is very troubling. You say he's been afraid to go near you since the pregnancy, would he possibly have some kind of Madonna/Whore attitude to women I wonder?

Look, none of us can tell you if the relationship is worth fighting for. But a major intervention is needed now. Not after the babies are here, ye won't have the time or mental bandwith for a major intervention on your toenails for the following five years once that happens.

I second the recommendation to talk to someone who knows you both. The embarrassment is understandable, pick someone discreet. As said above he's hardly been a secret agent here, the cat's out of the bag to a certain extent anyway.

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5

Also, presumably women who have a relationship to him like "my brother's best friend" would know you're heavily pregnant with his twins? I know they don't have the same responsibility as him but Christ on a bike what happened to female solidarity?! Scummy behaviour. I can't believe nobody's given you a heads up.

cailin.

You really have nothing to be embarrassed about OP.

I can't imagine how you are feeling under the surface of this all. I would guess your hesitancy in confronting him is to protect whatever stability you think you have within the confines of this relationship.

None of the advice that has been given is a reflection on you, it's to safeguard you (and the twins down the line) against this level of lying and manipulation within your family unit.
Of course there are things you love about him, perhaps use this as an opportunity to reflect on the quality of your relationship. A loving relationship should meet both of your needs mutually however this thread is all about him so far.

But what about you? And your babies who are going to need you to be strong for them too.
Seek support from someone who knows you and who you trust. Could you stay with family even for a while to sort your next steps? You have nothing to be ashamed of in all of this.

Jenneke87

Tell to quit, make amends and step up or he can choose to be a part-time dad as you'll be packing his bags and see him in court next time for custody arrangements etc. In fact, I'd advise you to contact a good solicitor just in case..What a douchebag, I feel so sorry for you. Stories like this are the reason I lose my faith in men sometimes.

Pawwed Rig

Well this thread has gone full man hating.
OP you need to be clear in what you're saying to him. Put all your cards on the table.
If you want to save the relationship then be honest. If you just want advice to end the relationship then this forum will always provide that (to a woman at least). Some of the nonsense written previously would be comical if the situation was not so serious.
Be honest and talk talk talk if you want to remain with your boyfriend. If not then just leave.

rainbowtrout

NearlyForty wrote: »

He's a strong guy that wouldn't show much emotion but I upset him, I could see it in him that he was hiding something but he wasn't admitting to anything. I could have tackled the issue of what I saw but couldn't bring myself to do it. I'm not sure where to go from here..
Of course he done the usual 'I'm sorry if I made you feel like that, I love you & want to spend the rest of my life with you'....blah blah....

You upset him? He’s upset that he got caught and if he does want to stay in the relationship he might actually have to give up sexting. The poor lamb, my heart bleeds for him.

I notice he’s sorry about how you feel, not sorry that he did it. If he loves you why did he brush off your concerns so easily previous to this?

NearlyForty

Pawwed Rig wrote: »

Well this thread has gone full man hating.
OP you need to be clear in what you're saying to him. Put all your cards on the table.
If you want to save the relationship then be honest. If you just want advice to end the relationship then this forum will always provide that (to a woman at least). Some of the nonsense written previously would be comical if the situation was not so serious.
Be honest and talk talk talk if you want to remain with your boyfriend. If not then just leave.

By yesterday evening, I had had enough.. I could no longer keep it all in, I had to confide on someone and that obvious someone was him.
I told him what I found (I had kept evidence on my phone in case he was to ever deny it)
Which he didn't deny, he went on to say that it was flirting that got out of hand, and how it shouldn't have happened. He was all apologetic (which I'm fully aware, it's possible he was sorry he was caught)
I told him his flirting (aside from the sexting) is ridiculous and unacceptable, and should be kept within the confines of our relationship.
I gave him a scenario of me with 2 of his best friends to see how he would like it, and of course, he didn't like it one bit. So I said there you go, that's how you made me feel.
I kept telling him how what he done was very upsetting for me in that I would never have known had I not found the messages, but glad I did find out now as I'm hoping I have stopped it in its tracks. Of course, he has promised me he will never do it again. I gave him an ultimatum, because we have 2 babies and a future to think about, otherwise I would have dumped his sorry ass.
He sees now what he has been doing was wrong & hopefully he has learned his lesson

NearlyForty

Josiah Putrid King wrote: »

Also, presumably women who have a relationship to him like "my brother's best friend" would know you're heavily pregnant with his twins? I know they don't have the same responsibility as him but Christ on a bike what happened to female solidarity?! Scummy behaviour. I can't believe nobody's given you a heads up.

That thought did cross my mind, as she knows well I'm expecting with twins, yet she was quite happy to keep sexting my boyfriend (obviously he was at fault too) but as you said, she didn't even have the decency to at least stop it or give me the heads up
When I was single, 'taken' guys would have chanced their arm at an old text with me but I told them to go on away back to their wives or girlfriends and not to be bothering me. I felt sorry for those partners of theirs, as I of course wouldn't have liked it to be done to me

Pawwed Rig

Good for you NF.

I would suggest a further bit of relationship counselling with a third party before putting it to bed though. Admitting it to a stranger is a lot harder than an apology to you and it will emphasise the seriousness of the issue.

NearlyForty

Pawwed Rig wrote: »

Good for you NF.

I would suggest a further bit of relationship counselling with a third party before putting it to bed though. Admitting it to a stranger is a lot harder than an apology to you and it will emphasise the seriousness of the issue.

Yeah, that's not a bad idea alright
Thanks a lot