Flirting while in a relationship

NearlyForty

Can I just ask, what people's opinions are with regards to flirting with others while in a relationship? I know it's quite normal in a lot of respects, but what would you regard as stepping over the mark?
I'll explain my reasons for this question later, I just wanted to see what the general consensus was first.. Thanks

cailin.

It's too vague to respond to flirting with someone in general. There are many different levels of flirting

If you're actively engaging in flirting and pushing emotionally intimate boundaries for the thrill/chase or to feed your ego, and you're committed to someone, that's overstepping the mark.

My first question would be why do you feel the need to seek attention of other women, when you have a girlfriend?

Mr. Incognito

It depends on the relationship and the people involved.

In my experience people that get jealous have their own insecurity things going on because they are doubting the relationship.

People flirt, its normal. You cant expect your partner to fulfil ALL your requirements or intellectual stimulation. Thats not realistic or heathy.

Katgurl

I have quite a flirtatious personality and a boyfriend asking me to knock that off would not be compatible with me. Having said that I flirt with everyone and it's only in a jokey harmless their-wife- wouldn't-care kind of way.

Flirting (you haven't confirmed what you mean by this either) only with specific people ie. letting them know you're interested in them would piss me off massively.

Big Bag of Chips

Hi NearlyForty, Personal Issues is a forum where posters come and ask for advice or opinion on their specific issue. For that reason you will have to expand a bit more on how this is a personal issue for you so that posters can advise. If you are just looking for a general discussion/opinion then you might be better off trying some of the other fora.

The Ladies' Lounge or The Gentlemen's Club might be better places for a gathering general opinions. But we prefer to try keep the Personal Issues forum as an advice forum.

Thanks,

BBoC

NearlyForty

Sorry, I should have elaborated..
My boyfriend is a very flirtatious guy, But he takes it to the extreme, and that's the part I'm finding hard to get my head around. It's quite a long story and there's a lot more to it but I'm guessing that 'sexting' is unacceptable? Quite graphic stuff too.. Well it is for me. Perhaps due to insecurities on my part but I'm very old fashioned in the sense that I'd rather he kept that kind of thing for me? He seems to be enjoying the thrill of the chase etc etc but he has a loving girlfriend whose expecting their first babies (twins) and I would be thinking, surely we're enough for him?
Thoughts? Do a lot of guys 'taken' still enjoy this type of 'fun' or am I over reacting?
I have confronted him on it before, so he knows I'm uncomfortable with it, yet he continues to do it..
By the way we share an iPad, that's synced to his iPhone, and I wouldn't use it all that much.. But due to his carelessness I discovered this. To be honest, I wish I never discovered this..

martyoo

Sexting is not ok when in a relationship. I don't think you are overreacting at all.

NearlyForty

martyoo wrote: »

Sexting is not ok when in a relationship. I don't think you are overreacting at all.

Thank you.. I'm after telling him this on numerous occasions but he'll always dig his way out of it. Then I tell myself I must be over reacting, and the whole cycle starts all over again.
It hurts me but I'm not sure how long more I can tolerate it

WIZWEB

OP I'm male. There's serious disrespect being shown towards you here. Particularly with the inappropriate 'sexting' and the fact you've already expressed your feelings there which continue to be disregarded. It should never happen anyway in a loving committed monogamous relationship. He's minimising you so no wonder you're feeling insecure. Personal boundaries have been well disregarded. There's often more than a chase involved in such selfish actions. I'm not even sure if he's being overly careless. He may just not care how this affects you. With there being no real consequences from you for his actions and his poor morals then why would he.

One thing that's certain is the more boundaries that are eroded the greater the disrespect will be shown. If you choose to stay with him (and not just for the kids) I'd be having a serious one to one conversation to finally stop all this. I'd lay out very clearly the consequences if he doesn't (the ending of the relationship) and impliment this immediately or in future if reoccurring. You got to be very willing to carry this out though. Otherwise it's an invite to be a doormat. You're actions will speak volumes just as his have. We decide our own SELF-Worth when we teach people how to treat us.

Big Bag of Chips

Why do you have to tolerate it? It complicates things in that you are pregnant, but he is still carrying on like a single man. And unfortunately it doesn't sound like he's going to grow up any time soon. So this is where you have a choice to make. You have told him you're not happy with it, but he continues. Now, he might continue because he gets a kick out of it, doesn't care how it makes you feel and knows you're not really going to do anything about it.

And so far, that is exactly what has happened.

So now you have a choice. You have told him where you stand on it. He has made his choice. You make yours. You either continue as you are and accept that he is going to continue the single life while you raise his babies, or you decide you are not going to tolerate it... And you let him go live the life of a single man while you raise his babies.

NearlyForty

Thanks guys. It's exactly what I've been thinking of doing, I think I just needed confirmation from other people that this just isn't acceptable behaviour. He's the type of person that's well able to talk his way out of anything, and I think that's how I kept getting sucked in.
The only reason why I haven't flared up at this most recent discovery (which has been the worst yet) is because I'm pregnant and I don't want to put that stress on myself or babies, they're welfare is more important.
Once they're born, in May, I'm planning on confronting him and telling him how it's going to be from now on.
The more posters that come back telling me it's not right, the more determined I am to stop it.
He'll be given 2 choices, just like ye said.
Again, thanks for the advice x

rainbowtrout

NearlyForty wrote: »

Thanks guys. It's exactly what I've been thinking of doing, I think I just needed confirmation from other people that this just isn't acceptable behaviour. He's the type of person that's well able to talk his way out of anything, and I think that's how I kept getting sucked in.
The only reason why I haven't flared up at this most recent discovery (which has been the worst yet) is because I'm pregnant and I don't want to put that stress on myself or babies, they're welfare is more important.
Once they're born, in May, I'm planning on confronting him and telling him how it's going to be from now on.
The more posters that come back telling me it's not right, the more determined I am to stop it.
He'll be given 2 choices, just like ye said.
Again, thanks for the advice x

While you don't want to stress yourself, think of the ongoing stress you're going to be under thinking about this or finding out more stuff in the coming months. Also come May, think of how busy you are going to be looking after two babies. You won't have time to look around you, and if you have a section you may not be able to drive.

I think you are better off to deal with this now, and follow through if you have to rather than in 2-3 months time when you may not be physically able to. It is just kicking the can down the road, and will probably go on for a lot longer than May if you leave it until then.

NearlyForty

rainbowtrout wrote: »

While you don't want to stress yourself, think of the ongoing stress you're going to be under thinking about this or finding out more stuff in the coming months. Also come May, think of how busy you are going to be looking after two babies. You won't have time to look around you, and if you have a section you may not be able to drive.

I think you are better off to deal with this now, and follow through if you have to rather than in 2-3 months time when you may not be physically able to. It is just kicking the can down the road, and will probably go on for a lot longer than May if you leave it until then.

You have a very valid point..

blairbear

OP, sexting is not flirting. Sexting is cheating. Flirting is far more innocuous and harmless, the kind of thing that wouldn't be majorly objectionable in front of spouses etc.

Sexting is utterly vile in a committed relationship and you need to express your feelings now, not in May.

I also think you should dump him like a hot snot, but I know that's easy for me to say, an impartial observer.

Katgurl

I wouldn't wait till May. Sorry but sexting is not the flirting I referred to earlier; basically a bit of banter in work or when I'm out and about. Sexting is massively disrespectful. He has crossed a line.

You have told him you don't like it and he hasn't cared.

I would be sitting him down and letting him know that if he wants things to end, this is the way to go about it.

jk23

If you were doing this to him I think it may be a different story. He is not respecting you or your relationship. It’s hard to know how to approach it. Do you think he is committed to being in a monogamous relationship?

Neyite

Sorry, I don't often advocate telling people to dump their partners but in your case, I think you should do it now rather than in the summer when the babies are here. There's a few reasons for this:

If you kick his arse to the kerb, he might get a shock and realise you mean business and shape up pronto by the time you bring those babies home.

If he doesn't, then you've adjusted and gathered a new support network around you from family for the babies arrival when it's clear he's going to be more of a hindrance than a help.

You do NOT want his infidelity /sexing to be your enduring memory of your babies' newborn days. Those are moments you will never get back. Do you really want them tainted with the fact that he was too busy sexting to help you with them or spend time with you three as a family?

Twins are hectic! You will be too physically exhausted and mentally exhausted to deal with the demise of your relationship when they are here.

He sounds like he'll add to your mental load rather than help.

As tough as your relationship might be now, when you add in sleep deprivation, hormones, leaky boobs, birth recovery, and the endless cycle of feeding and burping babies as well as the possibility of post natal depression, good relationships really feel the strain. Bad ones will get worse and make you feel worse than you already do.

So I'd urge you, sort it now. You wont' want to or even have the energy to give it the headspace in the summer.

qwerty13

I wouldn’t consider myself old fashioned, and I’m really uncomfortable with someone flirting whilst in a relationship - it would be a deal breaker for me.

Maybe my definition of flirting is different from others: to me it is paying noticeably extra attention to someone, in a manner that could easily be considered by the person being flirted with that they’re ‘in with a chance’. I’d find that really disrespectful if I was with someone who behaved like that, and also very unfair on the person being flirted with - if they were given the impression that they were ‘in with a chance’.

For these reasons, I don’t see flirting as being harmless - it is, to me, acting like a single person. A friends husband does this whenever we’re out: too much chat/banter with any waitress/barmaid who is attractive, or new women to the group - in a way that is, well, flirty, and different from being chatty/friendly to a new bloke in our group. I find it cringe and uncomfortable - and very disrespectful to my friend (and she doesn’t like it either). I consider flirting to be hinting that you want someone sexually.

But sexting, that’s a whole extra level of disrespect. There’s no trying to wipe that one away with the ‘I was only being friendly’ excuse. That’s awful OP, and even though it isn’t physically cheating, it’s pretty damn close to it. That obviously goes well beyond the ‘making people think they’re in with a chance’ stuff, into ‘making people aware that the flirter/sexter wants them sexually. I don’t think I could get over that.

Pawwed Rig

Regardless of what he was doing the fact that he did not take heed of your concerns is worrying. Relationships are difficult and require compromise from all parties. If my wife felt disrespected I would do everything in my power to ensuring it didn't happen again.
Usually many posters here jump straight to ending the relationship as you can see in previous posts but in most cases (like yours) things are not that simple.
There are many avenues you can explore before ending the relationship such as counselling that may save the situation.
Ultimately it may end in breaking up but it need not.
Maybe a serious shot across his bow would be a good idea to show you mean business.

NearlyForty

I always felt deep down that it was wrong, as I certainly couldn't bring myself to do this with someone behind his back. So I knew myself that I had more respect for him than that, and that's the part that's killing me. He obviously never thought for a second, about how he was disrespecting me & quite willing to do this without a second thought or even the consequences if caught.
Guys, he actually honestly doesn't think that sexting is wrong?! He sees it as playful banter. He had actually managed to convince me of that before, hence why I was doubting myself and came here for advice.
I really don't need this, with the arrival of 2 gorgeous little babies soon but it has to be tackled. Ye are right, I wouldn't be able to handle this later on while I'll be too busy etc. It's draining me as it is. Knowing the guy I love is having a bit of fun for himself kills me

NearlyForty

Pawwed Rig wrote: »

Regardless of what he was doing the fact that he did not take heed of your concerns is worrying. Relationships are difficult and require compromise from all parties. If my wife felt disrespected I would do everything in my power to ensuring it didn't happen again.
Usually many posters here jump straight to ending the relationship as you can see in previous posts but in most cases (like yours) things are not that simple.
There are many avenues you can explore before ending the relationship such as counselling that may save the situation.
Ultimately it may end in breaking up but it need not.
Maybe a serious shot across his bow would be a good idea to show you mean business.

Thanks for this. I'll certainly consider these options too

Wesser

Having this discussion with you partner isn't going to affect your babies one bit!! I think you are just trying to avoid it. I think you need to address this as I think he is really disrespecting you!!

.......

This post has been deleted.

cailin.

Hi OP - I am really sorry that you're on the receiving end of this.

It comes across like you are afraid to broach this with him because of his reaction. You mentioned that he has convinced you it's playful banter but your gut has been telling you this is not right to protect you. Always go with your gut in situations like this.

I don't want to take away from the hurt that you're feeling, but I have just ended a very short term relationship (where we were just about to slap an "official" title on it) because I found out he was sexting another girl. It is no comparison to your situation but it takes a lot of strength, and particularly in your situation to confront someone and address how you feel when there has been no physical cheating. I had to end that relationship because the guy was showing me that he only cared about himself and would likely not change his behaviour despite my having an issue with it.

From my experience, physical cheating can often be easier to comprehend and move on from, as sometimes it's a spontaneous physical act and if your OH is in any way decent then it might only have been a drunken once off.
But what your partner has/is doing here is affecting you on an emotional level because he is seeking out intimacy and a thrill from strangers that he meets online. There is a level of manipulation going on underneath this all, as he will maintain this behaviour is harmless and you're overthinking it's impact on your relationship. But you're not. You know that this is wrong and never be afraid to tell your partner if their behaviour makes you uncomfortable. You deserve a committed and loyal partner to support you too, during your pregnancy. You are not at all at fault here and don't deserve to be feeling the way you do.

I would echo the sentiments of others, that you should address this sooner rather than later if you want to continue on in the relationship. If your partner knows that you are unwilling to accept his behaviour, to the point where you may end the relationship he may finally cop on.
When May comes your priorities will be different, and there's a chance how you're feeling now will blow over and you'll only repress your feelings long term. Deal with it now, for your sake and for the sake of your babies. Please put yourself first and set a standard of expectation from him not only as a partner, but as a father too.

nikkibikki

Now is the time to deal with this and not when you have 2 newborns. I have twins myself and they are very hard work esp when they are babies. I know some single twin Mammy's and they are fantastic people. You will be too if you need to be.

I always say to people that it is up to each individual as to what is acceptable to them in a relationship and what isn't. Sexting would not be ok with the vast majority of people. It isn't up to him if it is acceptable to you. It's up to you and you only. Do not entertain him down playing it. You are not over reacting.

NearlyForty

cailin. wrote: »

But what your partner has/is doing here is affecting you on an emotional level because he is seeking out intimacy and a thrill from strangers that he meets online.

I'm not sure if it ever involved strangers online but it has definitely been girls that he knows, colleagues, friends and most recently a sister of his best friend? Which has alarmed me the most

He's away with work for a few days, so when he gets back I plan on 'having a talk'

Thankfully I'm armed with knowing that this really isn't acceptable behaviour anymore, I won't be allowing him to down play this at all

Thanks so much for all this advice everyone, I needed this wake up call and he certainly needs it too..!!

Neyite

One point to bear in mind is would he be ok with you sexting men he knows? I highly doubt it, so if so, there should be no double standards.

Best of luck with the chat.

NearlyForty

Neyite wrote: »

One point to bear in mind is would he be ok with you sexting men he knows? I highly doubt it, so if so, there should be no double standards.

Best of luck with the chat.

Now that I would love the answer to ! I doubt he'd be too happy about it

BelovedAunt

Has he cheated in the past? I find it hard to believe that he would text women graphic sexual content and not follow through with the fantasies.

Ursus Horribilis

BelovedAunt wrote: »

Has he cheated in the past? I find it hard to believe that he would text women graphic sexual content and not follow through with the fantasies.

I hate to say it but that is something that crossed my mind too.

Were the babies planned, by the way?

NearlyForty

BelovedAunt wrote: »

Has he cheated in the past? I find it hard to believe that he would text women graphic sexual content and not follow through with the fantasies.

I honestly don't know if he has cheated..
That was exactly my thoughts on it too, as in my experiences of my single days, any guy that chanced sexting me I know they were looking for it..
I said this to him before, but he denied it