Flirting while in a relationship

NearlyForty

Can I just ask, what people's opinions are with regards to flirting with others while in a relationship? I know it's quite normal in a lot of respects, but what would you regard as stepping over the mark?
I'll explain my reasons for this question later, I just wanted to see what the general consensus was first.. Thanks

cailin.

It's too vague to respond to flirting with someone in general. There are many different levels of flirting

If you're actively engaging in flirting and pushing emotionally intimate boundaries for the thrill/chase or to feed your ego, and you're committed to someone, that's overstepping the mark.

My first question would be why do you feel the need to seek attention of other women, when you have a girlfriend?

Mr. Incognito

It depends on the relationship and the people involved.

In my experience people that get jealous have their own insecurity things going on because they are doubting the relationship.

People flirt, its normal. You cant expect your partner to fulfil ALL your requirements or intellectual stimulation. Thats not realistic or heathy.

Katgurl

I have quite a flirtatious personality and a boyfriend asking me to knock that off would not be compatible with me. Having said that I flirt with everyone and it's only in a jokey harmless their-wife- wouldn't-care kind of way.

Flirting (you haven't confirmed what you mean by this either) only with specific people ie. letting them know you're interested in them would piss me off massively.

Big Bag of Chips

Hi NearlyForty, Personal Issues is a forum where posters come and ask for advice or opinion on their specific issue. For that reason you will have to expand a bit more on how this is a personal issue for you so that posters can advise. If you are just looking for a general discussion/opinion then you might be better off trying some of the other fora.

The Ladies' Lounge or The Gentlemen's Club might be better places for a gathering general opinions. But we prefer to try keep the Personal Issues forum as an advice forum.

Thanks,

BBoC

NearlyForty

Sorry, I should have elaborated..
My boyfriend is a very flirtatious guy, But he takes it to the extreme, and that's the part I'm finding hard to get my head around. It's quite a long story and there's a lot more to it but I'm guessing that 'sexting' is unacceptable? Quite graphic stuff too.. Well it is for me. Perhaps due to insecurities on my part but I'm very old fashioned in the sense that I'd rather he kept that kind of thing for me? He seems to be enjoying the thrill of the chase etc etc but he has a loving girlfriend whose expecting their first babies (twins) and I would be thinking, surely we're enough for him?
Thoughts? Do a lot of guys 'taken' still enjoy this type of 'fun' or am I over reacting?
I have confronted him on it before, so he knows I'm uncomfortable with it, yet he continues to do it..
By the way we share an iPad, that's synced to his iPhone, and I wouldn't use it all that much.. But due to his carelessness I discovered this. To be honest, I wish I never discovered this..

martyoo

Sexting is not ok when in a relationship. I don't think you are overreacting at all.

NearlyForty

martyoo wrote: »

Sexting is not ok when in a relationship. I don't think you are overreacting at all.

Thank you.. I'm after telling him this on numerous occasions but he'll always dig his way out of it. Then I tell myself I must be over reacting, and the whole cycle starts all over again.
It hurts me but I'm not sure how long more I can tolerate it

WIZWEB

OP I'm male. There's serious disrespect being shown towards you here. Particularly with the inappropriate 'sexting' and the fact you've already expressed your feelings there which continue to be disregarded. It should never happen anyway in a loving committed monogamous relationship. He's minimising you so no wonder you're feeling insecure. Personal boundaries have been well disregarded. There's often more than a chase involved in such selfish actions. I'm not even sure if he's being overly careless. He may just not care how this affects you. With there being no real consequences from you for his actions and his poor morals then why would he.

One thing that's certain is the more boundaries that are eroded the greater the disrespect will be shown. If you choose to stay with him (and not just for the kids) I'd be having a serious one to one conversation to finally stop all this. I'd lay out very clearly the consequences if he doesn't (the ending of the relationship) and impliment this immediately or in future if reoccurring. You got to be very willing to carry this out though. Otherwise it's an invite to be a doormat. You're actions will speak volumes just as his have. We decide our own SELF-Worth when we teach people how to treat us.

Big Bag of Chips

Why do you have to tolerate it? It complicates things in that you are pregnant, but he is still carrying on like a single man. And unfortunately it doesn't sound like he's going to grow up any time soon. So this is where you have a choice to make. You have told him you're not happy with it, but he continues. Now, he might continue because he gets a kick out of it, doesn't care how it makes you feel and knows you're not really going to do anything about it.

And so far, that is exactly what has happened.

So now you have a choice. You have told him where you stand on it. He has made his choice. You make yours. You either continue as you are and accept that he is going to continue the single life while you raise his babies, or you decide you are not going to tolerate it... And you let him go live the life of a single man while you raise his babies.

NearlyForty

Thanks guys. It's exactly what I've been thinking of doing, I think I just needed confirmation from other people that this just isn't acceptable behaviour. He's the type of person that's well able to talk his way out of anything, and I think that's how I kept getting sucked in.
The only reason why I haven't flared up at this most recent discovery (which has been the worst yet) is because I'm pregnant and I don't want to put that stress on myself or babies, they're welfare is more important.
Once they're born, in May, I'm planning on confronting him and telling him how it's going to be from now on.
The more posters that come back telling me it's not right, the more determined I am to stop it.
He'll be given 2 choices, just like ye said.
Again, thanks for the advice x

rainbowtrout

NearlyForty wrote: »

Thanks guys. It's exactly what I've been thinking of doing, I think I just needed confirmation from other people that this just isn't acceptable behaviour. He's the type of person that's well able to talk his way out of anything, and I think that's how I kept getting sucked in.
The only reason why I haven't flared up at this most recent discovery (which has been the worst yet) is because I'm pregnant and I don't want to put that stress on myself or babies, they're welfare is more important.
Once they're born, in May, I'm planning on confronting him and telling him how it's going to be from now on.
The more posters that come back telling me it's not right, the more determined I am to stop it.
He'll be given 2 choices, just like ye said.
Again, thanks for the advice x

While you don't want to stress yourself, think of the ongoing stress you're going to be under thinking about this or finding out more stuff in the coming months. Also come May, think of how busy you are going to be looking after two babies. You won't have time to look around you, and if you have a section you may not be able to drive.

I think you are better off to deal with this now, and follow through if you have to rather than in 2-3 months time when you may not be physically able to. It is just kicking the can down the road, and will probably go on for a lot longer than May if you leave it until then.

NearlyForty

rainbowtrout wrote: »

While you don't want to stress yourself, think of the ongoing stress you're going to be under thinking about this or finding out more stuff in the coming months. Also come May, think of how busy you are going to be looking after two babies. You won't have time to look around you, and if you have a section you may not be able to drive.

I think you are better off to deal with this now, and follow through if you have to rather than in 2-3 months time when you may not be physically able to. It is just kicking the can down the road, and will probably go on for a lot longer than May if you leave it until then.

You have a very valid point..

blairbear

OP, sexting is not flirting. Sexting is cheating. Flirting is far more innocuous and harmless, the kind of thing that wouldn't be majorly objectionable in front of spouses etc.

Sexting is utterly vile in a committed relationship and you need to express your feelings now, not in May.

I also think you should dump him like a hot snot, but I know that's easy for me to say, an impartial observer.

Katgurl

I wouldn't wait till May. Sorry but sexting is not the flirting I referred to earlier; basically a bit of banter in work or when I'm out and about. Sexting is massively disrespectful. He has crossed a line.

You have told him you don't like it and he hasn't cared.

I would be sitting him down and letting him know that if he wants things to end, this is the way to go about it.

jk23

If you were doing this to him I think it may be a different story. He is not respecting you or your relationship. It’s hard to know how to approach it. Do you think he is committed to being in a monogamous relationship?

Neyite

Sorry, I don't often advocate telling people to dump their partners but in your case, I think you should do it now rather than in the summer when the babies are here. There's a few reasons for this:

If you kick his arse to the kerb, he might get a shock and realise you mean business and shape up pronto by the time you bring those babies home.

If he doesn't, then you've adjusted and gathered a new support network around you from family for the babies arrival when it's clear he's going to be more of a hindrance than a help.

You do NOT want his infidelity /sexing to be your enduring memory of your babies' newborn days. Those are moments you will never get back. Do you really want them tainted with the fact that he was too busy sexting to help you with them or spend time with you three as a family?

Twins are hectic! You will be too physically exhausted and mentally exhausted to deal with the demise of your relationship when they are here.

He sounds like he'll add to your mental load rather than help.

As tough as your relationship might be now, when you add in sleep deprivation, hormones, leaky boobs, birth recovery, and the endless cycle of feeding and burping babies as well as the possibility of post natal depression, good relationships really feel the strain. Bad ones will get worse and make you feel worse than you already do.

So I'd urge you, sort it now. You wont' want to or even have the energy to give it the headspace in the summer.

qwerty13

I wouldn’t consider myself old fashioned, and I’m really uncomfortable with someone flirting whilst in a relationship - it would be a deal breaker for me.

Maybe my definition of flirting is different from others: to me it is paying noticeably extra attention to someone, in a manner that could easily be considered by the person being flirted with that they’re ‘in with a chance’. I’d find that really disrespectful if I was with someone who behaved like that, and also very unfair on the person being flirted with - if they were given the impression that they were ‘in with a chance’.

For these reasons, I don’t see flirting as being harmless - it is, to me, acting like a single person. A friends husband does this whenever we’re out: too much chat/banter with any waitress/barmaid who is attractive, or new women to the group - in a way that is, well, flirty, and different from being chatty/friendly to a new bloke in our group. I find it cringe and uncomfortable - and very disrespectful to my friend (and she doesn’t like it either). I consider flirting to be hinting that you want someone sexually.

But sexting, that’s a whole extra level of disrespect. There’s no trying to wipe that one away with the ‘I was only being friendly’ excuse. That’s awful OP, and even though it isn’t physically cheating, it’s pretty damn close to it. That obviously goes well beyond the ‘making people think they’re in with a chance’ stuff, into ‘making people aware that the flirter/sexter wants them sexually. I don’t think I could get over that.

Pawwed Rig

Regardless of what he was doing the fact that he did not take heed of your concerns is worrying. Relationships are difficult and require compromise from all parties. If my wife felt disrespected I would do everything in my power to ensuring it didn't happen again.
Usually many posters here jump straight to ending the relationship as you can see in previous posts but in most cases (like yours) things are not that simple.
There are many avenues you can explore before ending the relationship such as counselling that may save the situation.
Ultimately it may end in breaking up but it need not.
Maybe a serious shot across his bow would be a good idea to show you mean business.

NearlyForty

I always felt deep down that it was wrong, as I certainly couldn't bring myself to do this with someone behind his back. So I knew myself that I had more respect for him than that, and that's the part that's killing me. He obviously never thought for a second, about how he was disrespecting me & quite willing to do this without a second thought or even the consequences if caught.
Guys, he actually honestly doesn't think that sexting is wrong?! He sees it as playful banter. He had actually managed to convince me of that before, hence why I was doubting myself and came here for advice.
I really don't need this, with the arrival of 2 gorgeous little babies soon but it has to be tackled. Ye are right, I wouldn't be able to handle this later on while I'll be too busy etc. It's draining me as it is. Knowing the guy I love is having a bit of fun for himself kills me

NearlyForty

Pawwed Rig wrote: »

Regardless of what he was doing the fact that he did not take heed of your concerns is worrying. Relationships are difficult and require compromise from all parties. If my wife felt disrespected I would do everything in my power to ensuring it didn't happen again.
Usually many posters here jump straight to ending the relationship as you can see in previous posts but in most cases (like yours) things are not that simple.
There are many avenues you can explore before ending the relationship such as counselling that may save the situation.
Ultimately it may end in breaking up but it need not.
Maybe a serious shot across his bow would be a good idea to show you mean business.

Thanks for this. I'll certainly consider these options too

Wesser

Having this discussion with you partner isn't going to affect your babies one bit!! I think you are just trying to avoid it. I think you need to address this as I think he is really disrespecting you!!

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cailin.

Hi OP - I am really sorry that you're on the receiving end of this.

It comes across like you are afraid to broach this with him because of his reaction. You mentioned that he has convinced you it's playful banter but your gut has been telling you this is not right to protect you. Always go with your gut in situations like this.

I don't want to take away from the hurt that you're feeling, but I have just ended a very short term relationship (where we were just about to slap an "official" title on it) because I found out he was sexting another girl. It is no comparison to your situation but it takes a lot of strength, and particularly in your situation to confront someone and address how you feel when there has been no physical cheating. I had to end that relationship because the guy was showing me that he only cared about himself and would likely not change his behaviour despite my having an issue with it.

From my experience, physical cheating can often be easier to comprehend and move on from, as sometimes it's a spontaneous physical act and if your OH is in any way decent then it might only have been a drunken once off.
But what your partner has/is doing here is affecting you on an emotional level because he is seeking out intimacy and a thrill from strangers that he meets online. There is a level of manipulation going on underneath this all, as he will maintain this behaviour is harmless and you're overthinking it's impact on your relationship. But you're not. You know that this is wrong and never be afraid to tell your partner if their behaviour makes you uncomfortable. You deserve a committed and loyal partner to support you too, during your pregnancy. You are not at all at fault here and don't deserve to be feeling the way you do.

I would echo the sentiments of others, that you should address this sooner rather than later if you want to continue on in the relationship. If your partner knows that you are unwilling to accept his behaviour, to the point where you may end the relationship he may finally cop on.
When May comes your priorities will be different, and there's a chance how you're feeling now will blow over and you'll only repress your feelings long term. Deal with it now, for your sake and for the sake of your babies. Please put yourself first and set a standard of expectation from him not only as a partner, but as a father too.

nikkibikki

Now is the time to deal with this and not when you have 2 newborns. I have twins myself and they are very hard work esp when they are babies. I know some single twin Mammy's and they are fantastic people. You will be too if you need to be.

I always say to people that it is up to each individual as to what is acceptable to them in a relationship and what isn't. Sexting would not be ok with the vast majority of people. It isn't up to him if it is acceptable to you. It's up to you and you only. Do not entertain him down playing it. You are not over reacting.

NearlyForty

cailin. wrote: »

But what your partner has/is doing here is affecting you on an emotional level because he is seeking out intimacy and a thrill from strangers that he meets online.

I'm not sure if it ever involved strangers online but it has definitely been girls that he knows, colleagues, friends and most recently a sister of his best friend? Which has alarmed me the most

He's away with work for a few days, so when he gets back I plan on 'having a talk'

Thankfully I'm armed with knowing that this really isn't acceptable behaviour anymore, I won't be allowing him to down play this at all

Thanks so much for all this advice everyone, I needed this wake up call and he certainly needs it too..!!

Neyite

One point to bear in mind is would he be ok with you sexting men he knows? I highly doubt it, so if so, there should be no double standards.

Best of luck with the chat.

NearlyForty

Neyite wrote: »

One point to bear in mind is would he be ok with you sexting men he knows? I highly doubt it, so if so, there should be no double standards.

Best of luck with the chat.

Now that I would love the answer to ! I doubt he'd be too happy about it

BelovedAunt

Has he cheated in the past? I find it hard to believe that he would text women graphic sexual content and not follow through with the fantasies.

Ursus Horribilis

BelovedAunt wrote: »

Has he cheated in the past? I find it hard to believe that he would text women graphic sexual content and not follow through with the fantasies.

I hate to say it but that is something that crossed my mind too.

Were the babies planned, by the way?

NearlyForty

BelovedAunt wrote: »

Has he cheated in the past? I find it hard to believe that he would text women graphic sexual content and not follow through with the fantasies.

I honestly don't know if he has cheated..
That was exactly my thoughts on it too, as in my experiences of my single days, any guy that chanced sexting me I know they were looking for it..
I said this to him before, but he denied it

NearlyForty

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

I hate to say it but that is something that crossed my mind too.

Were the babies planned, by the way?

Yes, the pregnancy was planned
Oddly enough, he can't wait for them to arrive
Seeing as his mind seems elsewhere on other matters..

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5

I'd be very concerned about the fact that he's not even doing the usual thing of swearing it won't happen again, he's so sorry etc, but instead has you doubting yourself that it's even a big deal.

With two newborn babies and you wrecked and hormonal I can see that very easily evolving into "sure you're busy with the babies, men have needs, it's purely sexual not emotional, I'm only out getting the ride but it's you and the babies I love and provide for, stop overreacting would you". You hear enough of that post hoc rationalising horse crap from men who at least have the sense to hide their behaviour. He travels away for work yeah?

I understand the impending newborns hugely complicate the situation. Counselling is an option, but I'd also be inclined to do that while separated.

pickarooney

Ask him straight out what he would do if one of the women replied inviting him over for sex. No talking around the issue, just what his exact reaction would be.

NearlyForty

pickarooney wrote: »

Ask him straight out what he would do if one of the women replied inviting him over for sex. No talking around the issue, just what his exact reaction would be.

I had been thinking about that myself..
But I honestly don't think he would, I'm not trying to condone his actions, I do believe he's texting others to prove his self worth. It's no excuse as he's hurting me in the process.

NearlyForty

Josiah Putrid King wrote: »

I'd be very concerned about the fact that he's not even doing the usual thing of swearing it won't happen again, he's so sorry etc, but instead has you doubting yourself that it's even a big deal.

With two newborn babies and you wrecked and hormonal I can see that very easily evolving into "sure you're busy with the babies, men have needs, it's purely sexual not emotional, I'm only out getting the ride but it's you and the babies I love and provide for, stop overreacting would you". You hear enough of that post hoc rationalising horse crap from men who at least have the sense to hide their behaviour. He travels away for work yeah?

I understand the impending newborns hugely complicate the situation. Counselling is an option, but I'd also be inclined to do that while separated.

I completely see what you mean.
And with regards to working away, he's actually quite local, but there is the odd occasion where they have to upskill up the country to where the main college is
To be fair, as I said in a previous post, he doesn't have much of a chance to actually be away to physically cheat.. if he's not at work, which is quite a tasking job, he's at home with me

pickarooney

Do you mind clarifying what the content of the texts are? You start by describing it as flirting and then as 'sexting' (your quotes) as though you either aren't entirely sure if they are sex texts, or if you know full well they are but don't want people to write your boyfriend off before you've had a chance to give another side to him. You haven't, though, you've described an obnoxious, self-absorbed individual who, on the face of it, would be the last person someone would want to have twins with.

So, leaving apart the stress of your current situation, if you had just met this man a month ago and found out that he was sending these messages to another woman and didn't consider it unusual behaviour, what exactly would make you want to keep going out with him?

NearlyForty

pickarooney wrote: »

Do you mind clarifying what the content of the texts are? You start by describing it as flirting and then as 'sexting' (your quotes) as though you either aren't entirely sure if they are sex texts, or if you know full well they are but don't want people to write your boyfriend off before you've had a chance to give another side to him. You haven't, though, you've described an obnoxious, self-absorbed individual who, on the face of it, would be the last person someone would want to have twins with.

So, leaving apart the stress of your current situation, if you had just met this man a month ago and found out that he was sending these messages to another woman and didn't consider it unusual behaviour, what exactly would make you want to keep going out with him?

I know what you're saying.. He's a flirter by nature. That part never bothered me as I always thought it was just innocent banter, like what we all do. I work in a male dominant environment and have seen & experience a lot with regards to flirting etc.. But we know where to draw the line, Whereas recently I discovered a bit more than that in his messages to one particular girl..and it had been going on for months. I haven't actually confronted him on it yet as it scares me.
I came on here with the heading 'flirting' initially, when really I should have thrown up, 'it has turned to sexting and I don't know what to think or do about it' sort of way..?
What I did do on Saturday when he got back, was confide in him that I felt something wasn't right between us, that I was worried and how we need to do something about it before it gets worse. I told him I had suspicions of him texting other women and being very distant with me, as since I became pregnant he's been afraid to come near me.. I told him certain 'things' are unacceptable & that I won't be standing for it. He's a strong guy that wouldn't show much emotion but I upset him, I could see it in him that he was hiding something but he wasn't admitting to anything. I could have tackled the issue of what I saw but couldn't bring myself to do it. I'm not sure where to go from here..
Of course he done the usual 'I'm sorry if I made you feel like that, I love you & want to spend the rest of my life with you'....blah blah....

In reference to your last bit, there's a lot of qualities about him that I love, to be fair, but had I known he does this purely for his own kicks, without so much as a hint of remorse, while in a loving relationship and with 2 babies on the way, of course I would have stayed away. I wouldn't do that to a guy thinking it was perfectly okay, so why should I put up with it?
It's this recent sexting discovery is what has come down on me like a tonne of bricks.. The sending graphic pictures of each other back & forth with the what I would do to you etc etc.. I did notice that she instigated a good bit of the conversations but he wasn't backing away either, at one point I saw that she asked him 'so are we actually going to meet eventually or just keep chatting' and he replied 'we'll keep chatting'
The last contact being made a few weeks ago but I'm not sure if there's been anything since

Neyite

The sending graphic pictures of each other back & forth with the what I would do to you etc etc..

That's not flirting. That's the start of an affair.

Don't be so sure that there's no opportunity for sex either. Lots of people can fit in a shag at lunchtime, or take an hour away from work here and there, I've even seen where a couple both worked from home together and were around each other 24/7 and he still managed to shag someone almost daily. He fitted it in with walking the dog you see.

He needs to be willing to stop any kind of "flirting" immediately. If you love someone why would you continue to do something that's clearly hurtful to them? He needs to be willing to block her entirely on all social media. If he's not, then he's not sorry, just sorry he got caught and he'll cover his tracks better in future.

NearlyForty

Neyite wrote: »

That's not flirting. That's the start of an affair.

Am I stupid for not seeing this? Christ..

I think I'm just in denial

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Ursus Horribilis

Perhaps your definition of flirting differs from mine. I'd define your boyfriend not as "flirtatious" but as a randy sleazebag. The one thing that's coming through again and again here is your tendency to minimise what has been happening. I also think you're afraid to fully confront him because you sense it's going to bring the whole house down. Nowhere in your boyfriend's reactions am I seeing remorse, an acknowledgement of what he's doing or promises to stop. I think you know this too. And that it's going to continue indefinitely.

cailin.

Well done for beginning the conversation OP but like it has been suggested, you really are minimising the extent of his behaviour.

When you spoke to him on Saturday you only alluded to suspicion that you have about him texting other people. The problem with people who are as manipulative as your boyfriend, is that they know just how much of the truth to tell you in order to feel as though they are being "honest". You need to sit down with him properly, and tell him out straight all of the worries and evidence that you have found on his phone. If you imagine your friend was in this situation, and had the impending arrivals of two babies, what would you tell her to say?
You told him that "some things are unacceptable", but you need to be completely honest with yourself here. All of the behaviour you're describing is completely unacceptable. He doesn't sound like he's sorry and he will likely continue messaging others.

It's understandable that you are scared and worried about his reaction, but I really think you should take heed of the advice that has been given. The signs and behaviour that you are describing so far is indicative of what your boyfriend may progress to in the future. He is full on having an emotional affair with someone. Your boyfriend is fully responsible for his behaviour in all of this and there is really no excuse under the sun that I would be accepting from him to justify it. If he hasn't taken up these offers of sex, or casual fun to date, I would imagine that at some point in the future he will.

It has already gone too far now, he has absolute disrespect for you as his partner and future mother of his children.

Do you have someone who can support you during this OP, a sister or a friend?

TheMilkyPirate

NearlyForty wrote: »

I had been thinking about that myself..
But I honestly don't think he would, I'm not trying to condone his actions, I do believe he's texting others to prove his self worth. It's no excuse as he's hurting me in the process.

I'm sorry but you are delusional if you really believe that he wouldn't act on it.

NearlyForty

cailin. wrote: »

Do you have someone who can support you during this OP, a sister or a friend?

I haven't told anyone else, apart from here, because I'm ashamed of it and don't want anyone that knows me to feel sorry for me, with the situation I'm in

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seenitall

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

Perhaps your definition of flirting differs from mine. I'd define your boyfriend not as "flirtatious" but as a randy sleazebag. The one thing that's coming through again and again here is your tendency to minimise what has been happening. I also think you're afraid to fully confront him because you sense its going to bring the whole house down. Nowhere in your boyfriend's reactions am I seeing remorse acknowledgement of what he's doing or promises to stop. I think you know this too. And that it's going to continue indefinitely.

This post is spot on, IMO.

Hi OP,

I don't care what he says, you know the one about actions and words?

This man doesn't love you.

If he doesn't love you now, he never will.

I know it is a horribly difficult thing to process in the situation you are in, but imo this situation will only get harder and harder for you to stand as time goes by.

I was once left alone and pregnant in a foreign country and it's been the making of me. I am actually grateful now to my ex that he dumped me, because I never would have left him, in spite of the fact he didn't love me - I was too worn down, defeated, scared, confidence shattered.

Years later, you wouldn't know me. I am strong, busy, loving life no matter what it throws at me. I am successfully coparenting with the aforementioned ex. It all turned out for the best, just because one of us did have enough integrity, strength, werewithal in them to go - hold on, this isn't working, I don't like you, I don't love you, it's over. Not go sneaking around, lying and enjoying another woman's attention on his privates.

Someone will have to pull the plug sooner or later, and it looks like it will have to be you. Remember, no matter what he says. You know it is the only thing that makes sense, you are just scared. I was scared too. But I had to go through fear in order to move toward a full life. I hope you love yourself enough to do the right thing for yourself here. I didn't, it was done for me, but the result is what matters; a full life, uncomplicated by the emotional torture of loving someone who doesn't love you back.

Very best wishes.

qwerty13

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This post has been deleted.

Youve nothing to be ashamed of.

Keeping it a secret is what allows him to minimise it to you so much. If he knew that your family and friends knew about it he would know that he couldnt get away with minimising it.[/quote]

OP - you said this earlier in the thread. “it has definitely been girls that he knows, colleagues, friends and most recently a sister of his best friend?” I would say it is a very safe bet that your BF is well known as being a sleazy git.

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5

"Whereas recently I discovered a bit more than that in his messages to one particular girl..and it had been going on for months. I haven't actually confronted him on it yet as it scares me.[...]
He's a strong guy that wouldn't show much emotion but I upset him, I could see it in him that he was hiding something but he wasn't admitting to anything. I could have tackled the issue of what I saw but couldn't bring myself to do it."

There is something in you that is really resisting and fearful of pushing this conversation. I think maybe part of you feels it's going to lead to very painful discoveries. Those discoveries will not, in the long term, be as painful as a lifetime with this man where you're worried and suspicious and doubting yourself. Of course you don't want to get distraught because of the babies but you're doing this for their good too.

People fcuk up, relationships survive. To me, and this might be a minority view, the failure to hide his activity and carrying on with women he knows is more suggestive of a total fcuking idiot than a calculating schemer, though as I said his reaction of painting you as jealous and irrational is very troubling. You say he's been afraid to go near you since the pregnancy, would he possibly have some kind of Madonna/Whore attitude to women I wonder?

Look, none of us can tell you if the relationship is worth fighting for. But a major intervention is needed now. Not after the babies are here, ye won't have the time or mental bandwith for a major intervention on your toenails for the following five years once that happens.

I second the recommendation to talk to someone who knows you both. The embarrassment is understandable, pick someone discreet. As said above he's hardly been a secret agent here, the cat's out of the bag to a certain extent anyway.

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5

Also, presumably women who have a relationship to him like "my brother's best friend" would know you're heavily pregnant with his twins? I know they don't have the same responsibility as him but Christ on a bike what happened to female solidarity?! Scummy behaviour. I can't believe nobody's given you a heads up.

cailin.

You really have nothing to be embarrassed about OP.

I can't imagine how you are feeling under the surface of this all. I would guess your hesitancy in confronting him is to protect whatever stability you think you have within the confines of this relationship.

None of the advice that has been given is a reflection on you, it's to safeguard you (and the twins down the line) against this level of lying and manipulation within your family unit.
Of course there are things you love about him, perhaps use this as an opportunity to reflect on the quality of your relationship. A loving relationship should meet both of your needs mutually however this thread is all about him so far.

But what about you? And your babies who are going to need you to be strong for them too.
Seek support from someone who knows you and who you trust. Could you stay with family even for a while to sort your next steps? You have nothing to be ashamed of in all of this.