Break up- is this rational?

BudEliJackson

Hi all posting on behalf friend who doesnt want to be identified. lets call her Mary. Mary has been going out with John for about year and half. They had some problems and argued on small things , nothing major. They had great bond and enjoyed many trips concerts etc.

Jobn broke up with her about 10 times during that time, as thats his solution to their problems. In July 2017 he called it the end- reason was that they argued too much and he doesnt want to be in relationship.

They were still in touch and sleeping together till November 2017. He said he still loved her and cared for her. He gave her present for Christmas eventhough spent Christmas with his friends and left her alone for Christmas.

In January 2018 he got himself a new girl, with very similar face features as Mary and similar nationality.

My friend would die for John and is devastated that he replaced her in few weeks after saying hes completely happy being single, content by himself, and theres no need for anybody in his life.

Opinions?

endacl

Mary should move on.

BudEliJackson

endacl wrote: »

Mary should move on.

wheres the part that John wants to be single gone?

Todd Gack

You can be happy and content being single and still be open to meeting someone. They're not mutually exclusive. John isn't obliged to remain single and as already said Mary should move on, it doesn't sound like the best of relationships in any case if they broke up 10 times.

Ghekko

John was probably seeing Mary's doppelgänger all along so I agree, mary should move on and set her sights higher than a fella who treated her with disrespect. I'd say John knows well how Mary feels about him and seems he used this to his advantage. Mary needs to draw a big fat line under the relationship and find someone who will treat her better.

tuisginideach

Lucky Mary

pleas advice

Oh Mary, why don't you have some sense, please do something, to restore my confidence

BudEliJackson

pleas advice wrote: »

Oh Mary, why don't you have some sense, please do something, to restore my confidence

pleas advice wrote: »

Oh Mary, why don't you have some sense, please do something, to restore my confidence

like?

BudEliJackson

Mary is definitely moving on just John's actions dont seem to make sense

Bredabe

Men are fond of saying that "they meant it when they said it", so there may be that at play. It may be that he has a type or can't stand being single or horney.

His actions on their own don't make sense to me, but he's really the only one who knows, Mary deserves better even if she doesn't feel that now.

bee06

BudEliJackson wrote: »

Mary is definitely moving on just John's actions dont seem to make sense

Just because he said he was happy being single etc does make it true. People lie. He just doesn’t want to be with Mary and was trying to extricate himself from the situation as easily as possible. He may as well have said “it’s not you, it’s me”

BudEliJackson

Todd Gack wrote: »

You can be happy and content being single and still be open to meeting someone. They're not mutually exclusive. John isn't obliged to remain single and as already said Mary should move on, it doesn't sound like the best of relationships in any case if they broke up 10 times.

how do you know they are not mutually exclusive? Just wondering ...

piplip87

BudEliJackson wrote: »

like?

Get a new job in a financial institution and meet a guy let's call him Frank.

BudEliJackson

piplip87 wrote: »

Get a new job in a financial institution and meet a guy let's call him Frank.

lol she doesnt like financial sector

Try_harder

Mary was an easy shag- shes better off rid

BudEliJackson

Try_harder wrote: »

Mary was an easy shag- shes better off rid

what do you mean? she was easy shag sure but one would think that John would find that as benefit not as something negative?

Try_harder

BudEliJackson wrote: »

what do you mean? she was easy shag sure but one would think that John would find that as benefit not as something negative?

He might want a real relationship

Todd Gack

BudEliJackson wrote: »

how do you know they are not mutually exclusive? Just wondering ...

Experience

MPFGLB

Mary should not waste a moment longer considering anything to do with John., what he thinks, what he wants.. anything ..he is just not that into her ...he may be the same with the next girl....probably needs to grow up a bit

Mary needs to look to what she wants from life and dont settle for less and certainly dont let any man play with her heart ...so easily done and so destructive for her self esteem in the long run

Mary find a guy who want to be with you and treats you well ...anything less thne show them the door...you are worth much more than John's second rate on off attentions ...but you got to believe that otherwise it will be deja vue all over again

BudEliJackson

piplip87 wrote: »

Get a new job in a financial institution and meet a guy let's call him Frank.

I can pm you Marys number to give to Frank lol

Needs Must

Hi Mary

TurnItOn AndOffAgain

BudEliJackson wrote: »

how do you know they are not mutually exclusive? Just wondering ...

It's not because you're happy for example going to work by Luas everyday, that you would decline if someone was offering you to go by car instead.

He can be fine being single, but what if some kind of hot smart girl come to him he has to say “No, I've reached my hapiness level, sorry“.

And Mary should move on.

BudEliJackson

Try_harder wrote: »

He might want a real relationship

I dont get it, sorry, thought they were in real relationship?

BudEliJackson

TurnItOn AndOffAgain wrote: »

It's not because you're happy for example going to work by Luas everyday, that you would decline if someone was offering you to go by car instead.

He can be fine being single, but what if some kind of hot smart girl come to him he has to say “No, I've reached my hapiness level, sorry“.

And Mary should move on.

If what he told her was the truth- he cares about her and loves her, he wouldnt jump on next girl passing by knowing he will bri g Mary to deeper **** she is already in, no?

BudEliJackson

BudEliJackson wrote: »

If what he told her was the truth- he cares about her and loves her, he wouldnt jump on next girl passing by knowing he will bri g Mary to deeper **** she is already in, no?

Ps- Mary is smart and hot chick

bee06

BudEliJackson wrote: »

I dont get it, sorry, thought they were in real relationship?

They broke up 10 times! Mary was convenient for him until she wasn’t anymore.

BudEliJackson

bee06 wrote: »

They broke up 10 times! Mary was convenient for him until she wasn’t anymore.

They didnt ... he broke up with her 10 times, she hasnt done it once ...

bee06

BudEliJackson wrote: »

Ps- Mary is smart and hot chick

I have a feeling you are Mary and this must be hard to hear. But Mary isn’t that smart if she kept taking back someone who kept breaking up with her.

BudEliJackson

Just to add bit of info- they are both part of small Dublin community where everybody knows everybody so its imppssible to avoid each other as well as none of them want to cut contact with community as its their lifestyle

bee06

BudEliJackson wrote: »

They didnt ... he broke up with her 10 times, she hasnt done it once ...

You missed the point of my post. A real relationship doesn’t end 10 times. It doesn’t matter who was doing the breaking up.

BudEliJackson

bee06 wrote: »

I have a feeling you are Mary and this must be hard to hear. But Mary isn’t that smart if she kept taking back someone who kept breaking up with her.

If I am Mary or not, thats irrelevant Id say as that doesnt really matter ... the truth is that Mary would do anything for John , for sure

bee06

BudEliJackson wrote: »

If I am Mary or not, thats irrelevant Id say as that doesnt really matter ... the truth is that Mary would do anything for John , for sure

So what, he broke up with her. It’s over, he’s with someone else. The sooner she accepts that and stops being a doormat the better.

Avatar MIA

BudEliJackson wrote: »

the truth is that Mary would do anything for John , for sure

John wants Mary to :-

1. Let him Go.
2. Be Happy, but mostly 1.

myshirt

Mary should get those feckin' crunchies out of the car and shut it.

Really though, move on, and stop talking to your friends about what is this man's personal business also, not just yours.

Ghekko

John doesn't give a damn about Mary. He was manipulating her, saying all the right words when he wanted to sleep with her, all the while looking out for someone else. He said he wanted to be single. He could have said he wanted to move to Australia and not go - he just wanted to end the relationship with Mary so said what seemed a reasonable excuse at the time. Mary now needs to work on building her self esteem so she is not taken for a ride (literally) again.

TurnItOn AndOffAgain

BudEliJackson wrote: »

If what he told her was the truth- he cares about her and loves her, he wouldnt jump on next girl passing by knowing he will bri g Mary to deeper **** she is already in, no?

I was making a point on how being happy single and entering a relationship are not mutually excusive.

I didn't say that his actions and words made sense together, and if Mary tries and wants to find logic in some individuals actions, she'll be very sad and frustrated.

Also I don't think that when he went with the girl, the first thing in his minde was “what will Mary feel“.

For what I understood they were not even in a relation anymore, just sleeping together for month ? Even tho he said he cared, he loved, if he chose that kinda of relation, it was probably for a reason, like get out of it as he wanted when he wanted.

It sucks for Mary tho, I agree.

TurnItOn AndOffAgain

BudEliJackson wrote: »

Just to add bit of info- they are both part of small Dublin community where everybody knows everybody so its imppssible to avoid each other as well as none of them want to cut contact with community as its their lifestyle

She can be polite and distant when she sees him.

And cry back home if she needs.

ncmc

It’s that old cliche, ‘he’s just not that into her’. You don’t break up with someone 10 times if you are really into them. It sounds like Mary was just a place holder til someone better came along. It also sounds like she seriously needs to get some self respect. She must be seriously lacking in confidence if she took him back 10 times and continued to sleep with him after he broke up with her yet again. She needs to cut contact with him as much as she can and thank her lucky stars that she’s rid of him. She really needs to take some time out and work on her self esteem and not let this happen again with another man.

You ask is it rational? She liked him a lot more than he liked her and he acted in a way that didn’t treat her well. You can’t make someone love you, no matter how much you’d do anything for them. It’s a sad lesson, but she needs to chalk it down to experience and move on.

BudEliJackson

myshirt wrote: »

Mary should get those feckin' crunchies out of the car and shut it.

Really though, move on, and stop talking to your friends about what is this man's personal business also, not just yours.

what you talking about here, no clue eother myself or Mary

BudEliJackson

TurnItOn AndOffAgain wrote: »

She can be polite and distant when she sees him.

And cry back home if she needs.

Mary is tough girl

TurnItOn AndOffAgain

BudEliJackson wrote: »

Mary is tough girl

Not mutually exclusive, again ^^

BudEliJackson

TurnItOn AndOffAgain wrote: »

Not mutually exclusive, again ^^

checked your other posts and you might actually know Mary lol

Avatar MIA

BudEliJackson wrote: »

checked your other posts and you might actually know Mary lol

Has he Turned it on and off 10 times :eek:

BudEliJackson

Avatar MIA wrote: »

Has he Turned it on and off 10 times :eek:

hah ... maybe haha

Try_harder

BudEliJackson wrote: »

They didnt ... he broke up with her 10 times, she hasnt done it once ...

Then Mary is a doormat for going back with him 9 Times...

Fool me once.. shame on you...

BudEliJackson

Try_harder wrote: »

Then Mary is a doormat for going back with him 9 Times...

Fool me once.. shame on you...

been saying it to her all the time but its difficult when you are inside of relationship and you love that person

Scraggs

BudEliJackson wrote: »

been saying it to her all the time but its difficult when you are inside of relationship and you love that person

She is not inside the relationship any more though, so she will have to take the time to let him go and get over him.

TurnItOn AndOffAgain

BudEliJackson wrote: »

checked your other posts and you might actually know Mary lol

TurnItOn AndOffAgain

Avatar MIA wrote: »

Has he Turned it on and off 10 times :eek:

And then just unplugged...

Big Bag of Chips

OP, its very confusing as to what you're actually asking is rational. Are you asking is John's behaviour rational, or Mary's?

Of the two of them neither are great, but honestly John's is more rational than Mary. She kept taking someone back who broke up with her every few weeks. First of all an 18 month relationship shouldn't have 10 problems to begin with, let alone 10 problems worth breaking up over and secondly anyone who gets broken up with even twice, should not take that person back again.

It is irrelevant (and baffling) that Mary loves John so much. He doesn't love her. He doesn't want to be with her. It's why he kept breaking up with her. No idea why he kept going back to her (easy sex?). A relationship can't work if only one person wants it.

"We can still be friends"
"I'm not ready for a relationship"
"I want to be single for a while"
"You're too good for me"

They're all just ways of letting a person down gently, but all mean the same thing "I don't want to go out with you.

Tell Mary move on, this one is never going to work.

BudEliJackson

Mary would like to thank you all for your input into this topic folks, thanks love and peace