Advice about ex girlfriend

Fonze07

qwerty13 wrote: »

I would bet a months salary that you are being used and played in a long term game to get money or a visa out of you.

I mean honestly OP, she’s engaged to someone in Oz who she’s never met. But if *only* you were to meet her, she’d see the light?!?? It’s just like the most obvious and sad scam in the book: hold off for ages and reel the guy in, tell him you love him, blow hot & cold - then fleece him for way more money than a short-term immediate scam.

She is going to ruin your life. Stop talking to her. You are being played for her gain

She has met him 5 or 6 times and spent a lot of time with him.

I know when and if I'm being scammed. It's not like that and would never let that happen. I don't believe she is scamming me at all.

Ursus Horribilis

So did you book yourself a counsellor today?

Fonze07

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

So did you book yourself a counsellor today?

Going to look around tomorrow if I have energy. Just got so down today

qwerty13

Fonze07 wrote: »

She has met him 5 or 6 times and spent a lot of time with him.

I know when and if I'm being scammed. It's not like that and would never let that happen. I don't believe she is scamming me at all.

For what it’s worth, I think she’s playing the long term game for big money scam / visa / marriage from you. If you choose to take a blatant liar/manipulator on face value, well that’s on you. Don’t say you weren’t warned, when you meet ‘her’ (or her good looking ‘friend’) in Prague - oh and her parents, cos no, that’s not a sob story at all. And they’re not her minders or anything 🀨

I 100% think she’s a liar, there is no ‘Egyptian fiancé’, she doesn’t give a fiddlers about you, and you are about to be fleeced.

Fonze07

qwerty13 wrote: »

For what it’s worth, I think she’s playing the long term game for big money scam / visa / marriage from you. If you choose to take a blatant liar/manipulator on face value, well that’s on you. Don’t say you weren’t warned, when you meet ‘her’ (or her good looking ‘friend’) in Prague - oh and her parents, cos no, that’s not a sob story at all. And they’re not her minders or anything 🀨

I 100% think she’s a liar, there is no ‘Egyptian fiancé’, she doesn’t give a fiddlers about you, and you are about to be fleeced.

I still don't actually know how you think I'm going to be fleeced. I think I would see it coming. I wouldn't allow myself to get scammed out of my money. Would never happen. Don't know how all you guys think she is after that.

qwerty13

Because her story that she tells you sounds utterly ridiculous and not remotely believable. Because you sound determined to believe her no matter what. Because she never was your real-life girlfriend. Because you booked flights to Prague to meet her. Because it all sounds like a scam. Because it doesn’t even sound like ‘quick hit for a small amount of money’, it sounds worse than that.

And lastly because you have built this unbelievable situation of a virtual ‘relationship’ into believing that you love her - and she has encouraged this by playing you.

Fonze07

qwerty13 wrote: »

Because her story that she tells you sounds utterly ridiculous and not remotely believable. Because you sound determined to believe her no matter what. Because she never was your real-life girlfriend. Because you booked flights to Prague to meet her. Because it all sounds like a scam. Because it doesn’t even sound like ‘quick hit for a small amount of money’, it sounds worse than that.

And lastly because you have built this unbelievable situation of a virtual ‘relationship’ into believing that you love her - and she has encouraged this by playing you.

Yes, it does look like she is playing me. Perhaps for some sort of ego boost and enjoys attention but I still don't understand how you think she is going to scam me. I would never let that happen. I've known her over two years and it's not like that one bit. I don't know why everyone automatically assumes she is just planning on scamming me. Hardly as if I have much to give her if that is the case lol.

I've booked flights to Prague, yes. So what. Not going. How is she gaining financially because of that anyway? Not once giving her money in the time i have known her.

Playing with my emotions, yes. Stringing me along, yes. Scamming me of what? I've nothing to give lol.

Just don't know why people always assume it's a scam. Thsnks for warning though

qwerty13

Because she has thrown out enough bait to reel you in, and you’ve fallen for it, hook, line and sinker.

When she doesn’t marry the fictitious Egyptian in Oz (all for you, of course), don’t be surprised if you get clangers of hints about ‘what she has given up for you’. I mean she could be married to a guy who treats her like a princess, and living in Oz! So how can you ‘make it up to her’. Oh I know, by her living with you in Ireland. But her parents wouldn’t approve of just living together, very traditional you see. Well sure wouldn’t it be better to get married straight away. Especially after how she ‘gave up so much’ all for you.

PS: look after yourself and stay safe

Fonze07

qwerty13 wrote: »

Because she has thrown out enough bait to reel you in, and you’ve fallen for it, hook, line and sinker.

When she doesn’t marry the fictitious Egyptian in Oz (all for you, of course), don’t be surprised if you get clangers of hints about ‘what she has given up for you’. I mean she could be married to a guy who treats her like a princess, and living in Oz! So how can you ‘make it up to her’. Oh I know, by her living with you in Ireland. But her parents wouldn’t approve of just living together, very traditional you see. Well sure wouldn’t it be better to get married straight away. Especially after how she ‘gave up so much’ all for you.

PS: look after yourself and stay safe

Why do you keep going on about this "fictitious" Egyptian? I've talked to him. I've seen him. Why do you have it in your head that he doesn't even exist?

I don't know why you think I would marry her straight away too. Would never happen. That would be a red flag immediately if she started talking about marriage. I'm not been scammed. I won't be scammed. Don't know what you think she's going to get from me. Hurt emotionally yes but she won't be gaining financially so I don't get why people think it's all because of that.

Making it out to be something it's not. Do appreciate your concern and all your replies pal.

Conor Bourke

How do you know her? Where did you meet her? Was she living in Ireland for the time that you were going out with her?

Big Bag of Chips

Fonze07 wrote: »

I don't know why you think I would marry her straight away too. Would never happen. That would be a red flag immediately if she started talking about marriage.

She got engaged to a man 1 month after breaking up with you! You mention that you would be wise to her and spot red flags immediately. Yet there are so so so so so many red flags about this girls and her entire carry on that you seem to be happily ignoring.

You are besotted with her, and I honestly woudln't be too confident that if she ended whatever it is that she has with this other fella and started going out with you, that you wouldn't have agreed to (and actually gone through with) marrying her before the end of the year. After all. At that stage you would have known her 3 years, people could hardly accuse of "rushing in to anything" at that stage now, could they.

You are besotted. You are hanging on, taking whatever scraps she throws your way. You actually have an unhealthy obsession with someone you realistically barely know. She lies to you. Constantly. She lied about going on holidays with friends. She "cheated" on you and ended up engaged to someone else a couple of weeks after she broke it off with you. She keeps making empty promises about "trying" to end it with the other fella. A quick Skype phonecall ends it. And yet you still think you would see a red flag immediately?

I feel very sorry for you, OP. You clearly are a lonely man who for someone like her is easy prey. You are a soft touch, and because YOU are a genuine person, you expect that others are also genuine. She is not genuine. Regardless of what she tells you, or how many tears she cries (although you think the tears are because seh's so upset at upsetting you - I think the tears are because she realises they're needed to reel you in and make you feel sorry for her and how much of a victim she is in all this.. poor pet :rolleyes:)

Read this thread, and however many other threads you started on her. Read them and listen to what people are telling you. Very very rarely the adivce offered here is unanimous. Very rarely will everybody who replies tell the poster the same thing. But funnily enough - it's the threads where the replies are completely unanimous that the OP is even more steadfast in their opinion that everyone else is wrong.

She is taking you for a mug. Whether it's for money/visa/ego boost/entertainment whatever is irrelevant. She is taking you for a mug and you genuinely cannot see that.

You haven't been in touch with her for a week.
Why not block her? Now?
What are you hoping for by leaving the doors of coomunication open to her?

Ursus Horribilis

How do you know this Egyptian guy isn't someone who's in on the plot/scam/whatever too? That'd make far more sense than what you're telling us.

bucketybuck

What's really going to hurt is when you find out about the 3rd and 4th guys.

manonboard

Hey OP. Just wanted to suggest maybe not participating further in dissecting whether a scam etc is going on or not.
At the end of the day, you know you are having alot of difficulties, and i think it would be very wise and self-caring of you to just put 100% of your focus in to yourself. 
As you said already you are quite sensitive, so its a good skill to practice blocking out non helpful influences. I know the other posters mean well etc, it would just be my opinion that you would probably benefit more from just focusing on yourself now. I think you've heard enough from everyone here and see a good amount that you know you need to focus on yourself, take care of yourself, and g talk to a counselor. 
Don't know if you've ever talked to one before. They are incredible. I use them like a dentist check up for my mind at least every couple of years. Helps me find my blind spots. Helps me stay focused on good habits, and talk about things where i find hard.
That book Your Erroneous Zones has some great chapters on people pleasing, and guilt which i think you might really enjoy.(well hate lol, but learn from ). It discusses WHY and HOW we use negative emotions for our 'gain'. Eg: feeling guilty helps us feel like we are good person yet allows us to keep cycling the negative behaviour we claim to not like doing. People pleasing tends to be a form of delusional altruism, where really we are doing it for ourselves, yet we create thoughts that others should feel guilty for not wanting to do something for us. We have no choice in the matter as long as we believe that they are different from us in that sense. 
I hope you take good care of yourself, and really make this fresh new year all about you. Becoming skillful in your internal world, and learning how to balance the external too.
You sound like you have  a good head on your shoulders. Just in a bit of a mind storm at the moment. It'll ease and pass the more you exit the situation. New priorities take place pretty quick.

GingerLily

You don't need to know WHY she's playing games with you, just that she is.

You need to forgot her and move on, nothing good will come of staying in contact with her.

Dial Hard

Fonze07 wrote: »

She has met him 5 or 6 times and spent a lot of time with him.

Have you ever actually met this woman?

Fonze07

Dial Hard wrote: »

Have you ever actually met this woman?

Thanks for all your replies.

Met online but was in Ireland at the time.

I wouldn't know if he is in on it but that is highly unlikely.

The "red flag" is telling me she has tried to break up with him. Saying she wants to try with me but doesn't do anything to make it happen. Wants us to meet again before deciding. That's what has been going on for months. When you love someone you will cling to any little piece of hope. I deserve the harsh comments. All i did was fall in love.

Admittedly she could say same back. I want to be with her but I have not done anything to make it happen but then again I'm not the one in a "relationship"

Am thankful for your comments.

Conor Bourke

Fonze07 wrote: »

Met online but was in Ireland at the time

So you’ve never physically met this girl in person?

wiggle16

OP, I'm at a loss as to what to say to you now. I really mean what I am saying in the kindest way, but you are not listening.

Clearly I was wrong about Mr Egyptian not being real, though I think that can be forgiven, because that arrangement is just ludicrous. When I say they are not getting married, I say it not because I personally think this is a scam. I say it because it's ridiculous. She has apparently agreed to marry this man she barely knows, a month after breaking up with you. They cannot have made any solid plans to marry because moving to Australia in order to marry is a very complicated, and expensive, process. She would not be going through that process, and at the same time, dawdling on the possibility of getting with you. It's just not cogent with reality. I think she is playing a part with you, for whatever thrill she gets out of it, God only knows. And if it is true, she is crazy all the same - why would you even want to be with someone who would do that to you, and to another man too? And why would you want to be with someone who would TELL you she'd do that??

At the end of the day, it really does not matter if this is a scam, for that reason I've come to agree with the poster above who says not to dissect it as one. If it is a scam, fine. Get out of it. If it is not a scam, you still need to get out of it.
But I am getting the impression that our telling you that she is not getting married is, rather than making you really consider the fact that she is a liar, is making you think there is some hope for this relationship.
There isn't. Not a dot.
She is a user. She does not care about you. You can see that yourself, from everything you wrote. The crocodile tears and agonising mean nothing. It's an act. She is playing a part. That's all.

What kind of person would put you through all this? It is not good enough to think "oh well it's love I suppose" and that you'll cling to any little piece of hope. That's not love. Love is not supposed to torment you. You desire (and I really think this is desire rather than love - actually the name for this is "limerence" - check it out if you haven't come across it before) what you have built her up to be, and what she has presented herself to be, instead of who she really is. You cannot really say you know her, OP, you have never met. You seem to have an idealised version of her, where, in spite of TELLING you that she "wouldn't put me through so much pain if she didn't have feelings for me", you still say she "doesn't want to hurt anyone" - the actions and behaviour you have depicted from her do not marry up with the person you are maintaining she is. This situation is certainly not distressing her. But it is hurting you.

It is not at all that you deserve to be spoken to harshly, but there is no point in saying that and at the same time resigning yourself to this situation. As the poster above says, you do not need to know why she is doing this at all. I really think you could go a million years without ever understanding why she is so cruel and callous. Knowing why will not help. You have to get rid of her. And with no ties, in different countries, that will be very easy to do. Once again you sound like a very caring, nice person, and I wish you all the best, but this obsession with someone you don't actually know is very, very unhealthy.

OP, please go and book, or better yet, see a counsellor tomorrow. Block her on all media, and you really, really need to delete all messages between yous, rather than reading and rereading them (which I can guarantee you're doing). Forget about her, and concentrate on yourself. I really hope you listen to what people have said here, as another poster says its rare to have so many voices in unison here: block her, delete her, be rid of her, and get counselling.

I really hope you listen, and feel better soon.

bucketybuck

Cornelius Crow wrote: »

So you’ve never physically met this girl in person?

Its utterly ridiculous, literally years of hurt and drama over somebody he has never even met.

Sorry OP, but "fall in love"? You haven't fallen in love, you are just wrapped up in some fantasy, and for your own benefit you really need to take a loooong step back and get some perspective.

Ursus Horribilis

Fonze07 wrote: »

Met online but was in Ireland at the time.

No, I think this means he has met her.

Big Bag of Chips

OP, I'm trying to be kind and I hope I don't offend you, but I'm going to guess you have very little real life relationship experience. And the very best case scenario is she has equally little real life relationship experience. If she has a lot of real world relationship experience then that makes her online treatment of you just plain cruel. So I will assume she's as inexperienced as you are.

The impression I'm getting, and the only conclusion I can draw from all of this is, you are a nice, quiet fella. Would you be socially awkward? Do you have many friends? Do you have interests and hobbies that give you a social outlet.

I think definitely for you, and maybe even for her, that this "relationship" suits you because it's safe. It's in the distance. It doesn't need much face to face interaction and public socialising. I think you are probably very very anxious about meeting and interacting with real people/women. Maybe you're very shy and find it difficult to be at ease in the company of women/people in general. And online life, and friendships and relationships just seem so much easier.

But, as you are finding out, an online relationship can only go so far, and fulfil so much of what an actual real relationship does. You are tormented by this "relationship/friendship". You have multiple posts here over the space of a year with no progression from your first time posting to your most recent posts. This online relationship, although may have served a purpose at one point, is now just holding you back. It is not going to progress past what it is online. It's never going to be real, or physical. You are never going to live happy ever after, together. And the longer you bury yourself and are all consumed by her, by him, by them, by her tears, by her promises etc the long that you are just avoiding real life and all that means.

The world is full of different types of people. And maybe online relationships work for a certain type of person above real life ones. But, you need to realise that a relationship is still a relationship, and online or offline a relationship is likely to throw up problems. If the problems start to outweigh the good times, then like with a real life relationship, decisions need to be made. And that decision is whether or not it is worth continuing. Would you be happier in or out of this particular relationship?

I suppose people here advise based on their own experiences and expectations of relationships. But if you have different expectations, that's nobody else's business. However, don't be afraid to say what you want, and what you're not willing to put up with. There are billions of women in the world. You don't have to cling on to one, not very good relationship, for fear of not finding another. In fact, by clinging on to something broken you're just missing all the good things that could be waiting for you.

I wish you well. It's your life to live, but you did post asking opinions. And everyone is unanimous. You don't have to settle for this sort of treatment. Regardless of why she does it.

Dial Hard

Ursus Horribilis wrote:

No, I think this means he has met her.

I'm honestly not convinced he has. His answer was very evasive which leads me to suspect it's a no.

Fonze07

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

OP, I'm trying to be kind and I hope I don't offend you, but I'm going to guess you have very little real life relationship experience. And the very best case scenario is she has equally little real life relationship experience. If she has a lot of real world relationship experience then that makes her online treatment of you just plain cruel. So I will assume she's as inexperienced as you are.

The impression I'm getting, and the only conclusion I can draw from all of this is, you are a nice, quiet fella. Would you be socially awkward? Do you have many friends? Do you have interests and hobbies that give you a social outlet.

I think definitely for you, and maybe even for her, that this "relationship" suits you because it's safe. It's in the distance. It doesn't need much face to face interaction and public socialising. I think you are probably very very anxious about meeting and interacting with real people/women. Maybe you're very shy and find it difficult to be at ease in the company of women/people in general. And online life, and friendships and relationships just seem so much easier.

But, as you are finding out, an online relationship can only go so far, and fulfil so much of what an actual real relationship does. You are tormented by this "relationship/friendship". You have multiple posts here over the space of a year with no progression from your first time posting to your most recent posts. This online relationship, although may have served a purpose at one point, is now just holding you back. It is not going to progress past what it is online. It's never going to be real, or physical. You are never going to live happy ever after, together. And the longer you bury yourself and are all consumed by her, by him, by them, by her tears, by her promises etc the long that you are just avoiding real life and all that means.

The world is full of different types of people. And maybe online relationships work for a certain type of person above real life ones. But, you need to realise that a relationship is still a relationship, and online or offline a relationship is likely to throw up problems. If the problems start to outweigh the good times, then like with a real life relationship, decisions need to be made. And that decision is whether or not it is worth continuing. Would you be happier in or out of this particular relationship?

I suppose people here advise based on their own experiences and expectations of relationships. But if you have different expectations, that's nobody else's business. However, don't be afraid to say what you want, and what you're not willing to put up with. There are billions of women in the world. You don't have to cling on to one, not very good relationship, for fear of not finding another. In fact, by clinging on to something broken you're just missing all the good things that could be waiting for you.

I wish you well. It's your life to live, but you did post asking opinions. And everyone is unanimous. You don't have to settle for this sort of treatment. Regardless of why she does it.

Firstly to answer another poster, yes I have met her.

Thank you again for taking the time to post such a detailed response mate. You're not offending me. I need someone to be as truthful as they can be and give their honest opinion on the matter.

You are basically spot on in what you have said. I do indeed have very little relationship experience. One that didn't last long and one that went on for a year or so but yes I have not got too much experience with relationships. She doesn't to be honest either. According to her, she has never had a relationship with someone in her own country. She had a few holiday romances and stuff and now this situation with him. That's it.

I like to think I am a decent guy. Yes, I am quiet and shy. I would definitely be socially awkward. Once I know someone properly, i am at ease but I am definitely awkward around people in general. That stems from my lack of self confidence. I just don't value myself at all and don't think I will be ever good enough for anybody. Don't like myself.

I do have quite a few friends. I play football and also do a lot of walking with a good friend of mine. Always been told i am too nice for my own good. A lot of friends would invite me out quite often but I am not really into the nightclub scene. I don't drink. Main reason I don't go out as much as I would like is due to my Crohns Disease. It takes over a lot of my life. I don't know if you have heard of it but it's hard to have much of a social life with it and when I do go out with friends I suffer anxiety because of it and the issues surrounding it. Don't really talk about it with even my closest friends. She would know way more than anybody else and she has honestly been the only one there for me to offer support to me outside my family of course. Genuinely concerned about how I am coping with it each day. Before anybody says I am saying nice things about her, I am just saying how it is. She has been there for me when I have needed operations and stuff and going through bad periods with my illness.

But yes, she has done a lot of things to hurt me also. Saying she will end it yet sleeps with him. Decides to go away with him instead of me. Constantly going on about ending it yet does nothing. Telling me she can't be too sure of what she wants until she spends more time with me. Wants to see how we get on again first. Obviously wanting to keep her options open. I don't fall in love easily. I have had a few people who have said they have liked me but I unfortunately didn't feel the same. I have actually only truly loved two people. I do know how I feel about her. People who say it's not love are wrong. I genuinely love her so much which I guess is why I put up with it. She knows how much I do love her which is probably why she thinks she can do anything and it wouldn't matter. I would be saying the same things as you guys if I was giving advice to a person in the same situation as myself. But when you are the one actually in the position and knowing how you feel it is hard to let go. I know I need to.

I don't know why she did what she did. Just wants to have a back up option should things not progress with him. She could just say move on and that nothing is going to happen between us instead of making me believe she wants what I want. As someone said, maybe she just likes the attention from two guys and the ego boost she gets from it.

But the people who say she is scamming me, I believe are wrong. I fully believe that. I don't see what she could gain. I'm not stupid into handing over money or other things mentioned in other posts. She wouldn't do that. I am convinced of that.

Pohappiness

But the people who say she is scamming me, I believe are wrong. I fully believe that. I don't see what she could gain.


Op I apologize if my previous post was a tad bit rough. For what it’s worth, she is scamming you of your time, as time is very precious she’s scamming you of emotions that you could be offering to someone who wants to offer the same in return. But that won’t happen until you park this bus and start walking for a while. Free yourself

qwerty13

I believe that you are living in an utter and total fantasy world re this woman - if she even really exists (despite you meeting *some woman*).

I truly wish you well, but I think you are completely deluded about this fantasy woman, and that you are going to get really badly hurt/burnt.

Good luck OP. My thoughts are with you. But I honest think it’s a foundation of lies.