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Advice about ex girlfriend
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18-02-2018 12:28am#1I was with my ex for 9 months. She ended it last year. We stayed friends. Would love nothing more than to get back together with her. She knows this. Fought a lot to win her back and she says she thinks she feels the same and would like to try again but shortly after we broke up she got with someone else. She thought I would just move on after we broke up but we got on even better as time went by but I think she feels like she wants to give it another go. Says she loves me. Only problem is she doesn't want to hurt anyone and admits that she is finding it hard to end it with him.
Anyway, my main question is that this guy from what she says treats her really well and I know he loves her a lot but he keeps asking her to marry him. This started after only seeing each other a few times. He's from Egypt but living in Australia. Looking back now, she finally admitted to me to doing something stupid. She agreed to his proposal last February after only meeting him a couple of times. Said she just felt lonely and knew how much he loved her. They got on well. But fast forward a year and she said that she has put off going through with getting married a few times because of me. He keeps asking and she keeps delaying it. But I don't get it. She says she wants to try again but is not actually finishing it with him completely.
Also, I'm finding his intentions very suspicious. It's obvious he loves her and she says he treats her very well but (not racist at all) if she actually does go through with it I am wary he will start to turn. Be very controlling. I heard from a few friends some stories about how Muslim men treat women once married and trying to convert them etc etc...
No matter what happens, I will always care for her and just want to be there for her and I am worried about her.1
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She's playing both of you by the sounds of it.0
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You need to get a bit of self-respect for yourself and stop allowing yourself to be treated like some dog for her amusement. It sounds like she doesn't actually care about you at all, but soley has you around for as her own ego boast. Actions speak louder than words as they say, and have her actions shown you that she cares? Hardly.
Also, agreeing to marry someone after having meet them a few times because you are lonely? :eek: The lady sounds nuts.
There are plenty of amazing women out there who will treat you will and with respect so spending your time trying to find of those rather than investing all of your emotional energy into someone who doesn't actually care about you.0 -
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I'd cut contact. She ditched you twice, thinking the grass was greener. She's someone else's problem now.0
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OP how are your own prospects with other women? Like do you do online dating, go out that much and meet women etc? You don’t have to answer publicly, I’m just wondering if this is caused a bit by lack of options and seeing this girl as the only possible means of finding love. Because you’re not picking up on the fairly blatant red flags she’s waving here.
She sounds like an absolute headwreck. She’s texting you behind this other lad’s back saying how she wants you then, oops, she slipped, fell and landed on an engagement ring. I’d question everything she even says at this stage. Is this other guy even real? Are they really engaged? How many other guys is she texting saying something similar and how many was she texting when you were together?
This is textbook low self-esteem girl using multiple guys to try fill a hole inside of her, not caring for any of them because she doesn’t care about herself to begin with. Use it as a wake-up call and go out and meet other women. This girl isn’t the solution, if anything she’s a problem and cause of negativity that you can just drop from your life.0 -
I think you posted about this girl before did you? For a start where does she live? Because if she doesn't live in Australia then it's safe to say that she's probably not going to end up marrying someone who does. She is stringing you both along. She likes the attention, without having to make any commitment to either of you. If I remember correctly, she doesn't live in Ireland either, but you do.
You have wasted quite a lot of time on a "virtual" relationship. I think you need to draw a line for once and for all and end whatever contact you have with her. You are not in a relationship with her. You are not likely to be in any sort of meaningful relationship with her regardless of what happens with the other fella. And even if you did end up going out with her, could you trust her to be loyal? She has agreed to marry one man and yet is toying with another man. If she truly loved you she would have chosen you long ago... So if she hasn't chosen you, she doesn't truly love you, and if she doesn't truly love you then it would be only a matter of time before she started straying to another man if in an unfulfilling relationship with someone she doesn't love enough.
This has gone on for too long, but you have allowed it to continue. And I have a feeling you will continue to wait for her to either pick you or completely dump you. She can't be trusted. She doesn't want to be in a real relationship. What's wrong with men who live close to her (although there's every chance she's seeing a few of them too)?
You are not her keeper. It's not up to you to save her from a man thousands of miles away. Back off, block her and let her sort her own 'relationship' out.0 -
Have a bit of self respect and block her number and block her from social media. You are worth more and will find someone who loves you, and only you! She's taking the p*ss out of both of you and if her relationship with the Egyptian goes t*ts up it's none of your concern.0
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Big Bag of Chips wrote: »<Snip> Do not quote entire post
Lives in Belarus. She's going away with her parents next month. Asked me a while back that she really wants to meet up with me whilst there. Booked flights a while back when things were going "ok"
Last week I told her how it looks and that she is not doing anything to prove she wants to be with me. I'm doing everything. I snapped and said how I feel basically. We haven't spoken one word to each other since then which is nearly a week ago. The trip is only a few weeks away so don't know what to do.
I genuinely don't think she is doing this on purpose. Just confused. I agree with a lot of what you say and it doesn't look good. It's so so difficult when you love someone so much. I know I deserve a lot of harsh words but I can't help how I feel. It's so hard.0 -
Are you happy to be complicit in her "cheating" on her "fiancé"?
Honestly, OP - I don't know what advice people can give you. You really like her. (I don't know if you can say you love her, because I don't believe you actually know her.) You have invested so much time in this that you are reluctant to let it go, but you are holding on to nothing. She doesn't want to be with you. Who cares if she's confused? Her actions are not the actions of someone who is going to give up everything to be with you. And you are making all sorts of excuses as to why you need to be in contact with her. The more time you spend in contact with her the less time you are giving yourself to meet someone who might actually REALLY be interested in having something with you.
But I think it doesn't matter what anybody says. You will carry on as you have been.0 -
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Big Bag of Chips wrote: »Are you happy to be complicit in her "cheating" on her "fiancé"?
Honestly, OP - I don't know what advice people can give you. You really like her. (I don't know if you can say you love her, because I don't believe you actually know her.) You have invested so much time in this that you are reluctant to let it go, but you are holding on to nothing. She doesn't want to be with you. Who cares if she's confused? Her actions are not the actions of someone who is going to give up everything to be with you. And you are making all sorts of excuses as to why you need to be in contact with her. The more time you spend in contact with her the less time you are giving yourself to meet someone who might actually REALLY be interested in having something with you.
But I think it doesn't matter what anybody says. You will carry on as you have been.
Thanks for replying.
I agree. I need to move on. But I am just finding it extremely hard to do that. I don't mean to be like this and I am sorry but I just can't help how I feel.
She said that if I meet her as planned that nothing will procede with them two. She will tell him. (he told her that if she meets me again that he is done with her)
I know people give good advice here and I appreciate it. I do. It's just hard. I know how I feel.0 -
You can't move on if you're still in contact and she keeps you dangling. She's "engaged" to someone she met a couple of times. Who lives thousands of miles away! And she's using him as a reason why she's confused and can't be with you?
Really OP. She's wrecking your head, and your allowing it. You can't get over her and move on while you keep giving her access to drag you back in. Your relationship is purely online. So it is very easy to never see her/contact her again. Just block her. Its not like you're going to bump into her in Tesco.
What do her parents know? Do they know she's "engaged"? Do they know she's planning on meeting you? Why does her breaking it off with him come with the condition that you fly to meet her? If she wanted you she would come to you. She wants you wanting her. But she will keep you at arms length.
I don't know OP. Unless you stop her contacting you you are just going to continue feeling like this.
Unless of course you enjoy feeling like this?0 -
Big Bag of Chips wrote: »You can't move on if you're still in contact and she keeps you dangling. She's "engaged" to someone she met a couple of times. Who lives thousands of miles away! And she's using him as a reason why she's confused and can't be with you?
Really OP. She's wrecking your head, and your allowing it. You can't get over her and move on while you keep giving her access to drag you back in. Your relationship is purely online. So it is very easy to never see her/contact her again. Just block her. Its not like you're going to bump into her in Tesco.
What do her parents know? Do they know she's "engaged"? Do they know she's planning on meeting you? Why does her breaking it off with him come with the condition that you fly to meet her? If she wanted you she would come to you. She wants you wanting her. But she will keep you at arms length.
I don't know OP. Unless you stop her contacting you you are just going to continue feeling like this.
Unless of course you enjoy feeling like this?
Yeah. Her parents know everything. They know about her planning on meeting me. They are actually going to be there IF (which doesn't look likely now) I go and meet her in Prague.
You're right though and that's what I keep telling her and that is what I told her last week when it all built up again and I snapped and said how I was feeling and we haven't spoken since then. Told her if she really wanted to be with me then she would have done something by now to show that. Instead she stays with him trying to keep her options open. If she loved me like she says she does then things would be different by now. She kept begging me to continue to meet up with her and spend time with her after I said all this. Says she believes things will go well and she just wants to make sure before giving a definitive decision. I don't want her comparing every little thing between myself and him.
I do love her very much but you're right. I know she doesn't love me and it should be easy to let go. But then sometimes when she says it, it does look like she genuinely means it.
Anyway, we haven't spoken in a week and I won't be the one getting in touch. If she really wanted me she would have made it clear.0 -
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Lives in Belarus. She's going away with her parents next month. Asked me a while back that she really wants to meet up with me whilst there. Booked flights a while back when things were going "ok"
Last week I told her how it looks and that she is not doing anything to prove she wants to be with me. I'm doing everything. I snapped and said how I feel basically. We haven't spoken one word to each other since then which is nearly a week ago. The trip is only a few weeks away so don't know what to do.
I genuinely don't think she is doing this on purpose. Just confused. I agree with a lot of what you say and it doesn't look good. It's so so difficult when you love someone so much. I know I deserve a lot of harsh words but I can't help how I feel. It's so hard.
Man. I'd like to respectfully suggest you educate yourself more in such topics. Some books like your erroneous zones or the happiness trap
Might go a way to helping you see what's going on here and why. There is looootttsss of emotional dysfunction going on and two people with that level of difficulty just can't make it go well.
It's not that there's malicious in her. It's just utter teenage level desperation and incredible lack of skills. She's cheating on her partner and treating you quite poorly. That's why you snapped because you felt crap from her treatment and your own response to it.
You deserve a lot better treatment from people. She can't give you that because if she could she would, unless you think she chooses not to.. Which is way worse.
The lack of communication by both of you shows how terrible you are for each other.
You don't get good treatment consistently from people unless you setup yourself up as someone who won't take less. It's due to their laziness, ignorance, poor habits n compulsive reactions. Don't judge them for it. We all do it. It's your job to ensure it's not tolerated in your life so the only people who remain are the ones who treat you well.
That starts with you. Treat yourself like you date you. Don't let anyone or anything ever treat you poorly in any habitual way. Ever. Your self respect starts with you. Time is ticking. Don't waste it.0 -
Big Bag of Chips wrote: »Instead she has made it clear that she doesn't really want you.
Block her. Now. Don't give her the option of getting back in touch. YOU make the decision. Not her. Otherwise you will continue to wait.
She wants to wait til we meet again before deciding for sure.
Says if she didn't have feelings for me then she wouldn't be putting me through all this pain. Says she would have told me to move on a long time ago. That she wouldn't be putting off marrying him if she felt nothing for me. Wants to meet and see how things go.
Sacrificing her relationahip with him in order to meet me again.0 -
manonboard wrote: »Man. I'd like to respectfully suggest you educate yourself more in such topics. Some books like your erroneous zones or the happiness trap
Might go a way to helping you see what's going on here and why. There is looootttsss of emotional dysfunction going on and two people with that level of difficulty just can't make it go well.
It's not that there's malicious in her. It's just utter teenage level desperation and incredible lack of skills. She's cheating on her partner and treating you quite poorly. That's why you snapped because you felt crap from her treatment and your own response to it.
You deserve a lot better treatment from people. She can't give you that because if she could she would, unless you think she chooses not to.. Which is way worse.
The lack of communication by both of you shows how terrible you are for each other.
You don't get good treatment consistently from people unless you setup yourself up as someone who won't take less. It's due to their laziness, ignorance, poor habits n compulsive reactions. Don't judge them for it. We all do it. It's your job to ensure it's not tolerated in your life so the only people who remain are the ones who treat you well.
That starts with you. Treat yourself like you date you. Don't let anyone or anything ever treat you poorly in any habitual way. Ever. Your self respect starts with you. Time is ticking. Don't waste it.
Must look into getting these books. Thanks.
I did snap and I told her how it looks like she is just using me and if she really wanted to be with me then she would have made it clear by now. She is doing nothing. Saying she wants to be with me yet is doing nothing to end it with him. Keeping her options open. She says it's not like that and begging me to still meet her. Don't know now.
I believe I deserve better treatment from people too. I think I am too nice for my own good to be honest and people take advantage of that. She has done a lot for me and she has been there for me but she knows how I feel about her so she could just let me know one way or the other. Think she is basing everything on how this trip goes and is making excuses until then. We just keep going around in circles all the time.0 -
I think you would benefit from talking to a counsellor. You've acknowledged yourself that you're too nice for your own good and that people take advantage of that. It's obvious to us all that this lady is taking you for a ride and a half, but you're unable to cut the cord. I bet your self esteem isn't all that great either and that you struggle to meet nice women. Even if you take the advice given here and cut contact with this woman, you're probably going to get stung again in the future. Better to stop the rot now before you live to regret your bad decisions.0
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Says if she didn't have feelings for me then she wouldn't be putting me through all this pain.
Well that's some Grade A manipulation there. You know that people who feel anything for us don't put us through pain, don't you. She is emotionally abusing you. She doesn't care about how you feel, she just cares about how all this makes HER feel. And having 2 fellas vying for her attention feels pretty good. If she had any feelings for you whatsoever she would never treat you so badly. I'm sure you wouldn't dream of treating her the way she has been treating you. Think about that for 1 minute. Would you treat her, and another girl the way she has been treating you (and her fiance) for all this time. You are giving her far too much time and leeway. I agree you need some sort of counselling to build your self esteem up. Because no right thinking person would allow themselves to be treated like this for this long.
Give yourself a break and YOU make the decision that you are worth more than she tells you you are.0 -
So she lives in Belarus, you (presumably) live in Ireland and her "fiancé" lives in Australia? With respect, OP, the three of you are living in Cloud Cuckoo Land.
Extricate yourself from this ridiculous situation, go for some counselling to understand why you were prepared to accept this treatment, and when the time comes that you feel you might be in a headspace to try a relationship again, find someone local to try it with. Long distance relationships are incredibly difficult even when the couple in question have an established foundation together and a long-term plan to relocate permanently. I'm not guessing that you ever had either of these things with this woman.0 -
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This just sounds like you are about to be scammed out of a lot of money
Or if not this, something else that'll be to her advantage. It's not for love that she wants to progress things. She has a plan of some sort and you're the soft-hearted schmuck who'll do for now. If you think there aren't women out there who'll willingly use men from wealthier countries to improve their circumstances, you're very naive indeed.0 -
Ursus Horribilis wrote: »Or if not this, something else that'll be to her advantage. It's not for love that she wants to progress things. She has a plan of some sort and you're the soft-hearted schmuck who'll do for now. If you think there aren't women out there who'll willingly use men from wealthier countries to improve their circumstances, you're very naive indeed.
Of course I know there are women out there who willingly use men to get what they want and improve their circumstances. She hasn't once asked for money or anything from me to improve her life whatsoever. I've known her too long to know she is not after anything like that. You would too if you actually knew her.
That being said, it does look pretty obvious to anybody that she does just want to keep her options open in case things don't go as planned with him. As someone said, she could be just loving the attention she is getting from 2 guys and is saying things that she knows I want to hear from her to keep me interested and there for as long as possible. But for financial gain no way. Just an ego boost I reckon. She's a damn good actress if it is an ego boost because she gets so upset about the situation.
But you guys are right. I need help. I'm at an all time low. I don't think I'll ever be good enough for anybody. I'm just being honest. She did do a lot for me beside from all this. She really did. I did love her so so much. I know that but I need to move on but I just don't know how to. Going to look into getting counselling I guess. I don't value myself one bit at all.0 -
I do love her very much but you're right. I know she doesn't love me and it should be easy to let go. But then sometimes when she says it, it does look like she genuinely means it.
Anyway, we haven't spoken in a week and I won't be the one getting in touch. If she really wanted me she would have made it clear.
OP there is nothing genuine about this woman, from everything you've said.
She's put off getting married multiple times? If I'm getting this timing right:
You broke up last year, 2017
She agreed to this Egyptian lad's proposal last February (also 2017... was she talking to him while you were together or did you break up in 2016 or both or??)
And since then she has put off getting married to him multiple times. Ostensibly "because of" you. And wants you to fly to Prague to meet her. At which point she might just decide you're what she wants. With the parents in tow.
Nah.
OP, Mr Egyptian does not exist. She's been telling you a story and it's not a very clever story. To the best of my knowledge, and I'm open to correction, but to travel to Australia on a Partner visa you make an application for same and Australia requires you enter the country between certain dates for processing purposes. You have to stick to those dates and they cannot be deferred, otherwise your application is deemed abandoned. She would not be able to marry him on a tourist visa. He would have to be an Australian citizen himself. And Belarus, dictatorship that it is, has restrictive visa rules. The logic and timeline of this tale she's told you just does not wash. She cannot just marry him - so she can't have just been putting it off. These things cost money. It's all nonsense.
Which leaves you with a woman who is a bit mad no matter what way you look at her:
Either all this is true, and she is hymning and hawing about marrying a man she barely knows who lives on the other side of the planet (who she cannot legally marry anyway, unless she goes to Egypt) because she cannot decide if she has feelings for you. Which would suggest she is not the fizziest drink in the fridge, to put it kindly.
Or she has made this all up, which at best makes her a very troubled fantasist or at worst makes her an extremely callous, nasty person who is stringing you along because she gets something out of it (God knows what) - making her equally loopy. And I'm telling you now, she made it up.
OP, I really don't want to come across as mean and I mean what I'm saying in the kindest way. But you seem at great pains to convince yourself that she's worth caring about, when you can see that she isn't, because you keep rationalising what she's telling you when it isn't rational. You have strong feelings about her and it seems you are trying to justify continuing to indulge those feelings by contriving reasons to keep in touch - eg, you're concerned about her - even though I think you know the mask has fallen. The kind, caring person you think she is, who doesn't want to hurt anyone, doesn't marry up with her behaviour. Personally, it looks to me like you never really accepted it was over and, because she is cruel and strung you along, you never had to.
And OP, I'm sorry, but that is a myth: people can help how they feel, by changing their behaviour. You can help how you feel by cutting contact with her and trying to forget about her. It will be unpleasant, but your feelings will wane over time. Cancel the flights to Belarus, cut contact, block her on everything so she has no back door into your head, and get back to your own life. You sound like a really thoughtful, sensitive guy, so please spend that on someone who will not lie and make a fool of you.
Best of luck OP.0 -
<Snip> Don't quote full post.
Thank you so much for taking the time to reply. I like to think I am a good decent person. I think I am too good for my own good. I am very sensitive.
Yeah, we broke up in January 2017. She was talking to him whilst we we were together and was honest about that. To be completely honest with you, it was all my fault back then. Things were going really good in the beginning. She would want to go away and I put it off most of the time (the reason for this is I always felt she was out of my league and my confidence was low even though she chose to be with me. I also have an illness called Crohns Disease and I was so scared of travelling back then due to issues with this so I kept putting it off) so it looked like I didn't care or love her at all. I admit it came across that way. My fault completely. So eventually she decided to end it as it was going nowhere. We stopped talking for a bit and then that's when I started to fight for her again because I realised how much I loved her but then she told me she was with this guy and that's when all this started to get complicated. Things started to go well between us and she kept indicating that she moved on too fast and regrets that. She kept indicating she was going to end it with him and said she tried but couldn't go through with it (I didn't know they were engaged at this time)
I actually got in touch with this guy via Skype behind her back and talked to him because I didn't believe that she was trying to end it and some other things. We only talked once so he does exist. That's when I found out that they were actually engaged since February. Back when we were going out and I initially put off meeting up because of issues I explained she decided to go away with friends from work instead to Thailand. Found out that time I talked to him that she didn't go with friends. She went with him. Slept together. Looking back now it looked like I didn't give two ****s about her in the beginning so I kind of understand why she did that. He was doing everything she wanted me to do. It's later when she ended it and he came to Belarus to see her for two weeks. Just before that things were going well and she said she was going to end it with him but wanted to do it in person. After those two weeks, she said she tried. Said nothing happened but eventually found out from him that they slept together multiple times. No problem what she does but when she indicates there might be another chance for us then that's when I get so furious about it.
She eventually admitted everything. Said she cried most nights wishing she could be with me again but because of all the lies knew it wasn't possible. Came across very remorseful. Told me to forget her, called herself all the names under the sun etc etc.. says when they meet things go well but when they go back home they argue a lot etc etc....
I admit I'm an idiot to put up with it. When you are giving that hope you may be with someone you love you cling to anything. I know I'm a fool. I admit it guys.
It's not Belarus I was going to. She is going to Prague in a couple of weeks with her parents. Said she desperately wants to see me and kept asking me to come and meet her. Eventually I booked flights. Says she believes everything will go great between us there and that nothing will happen with him should we meet because she is going to tell him just before and he said he would end it if she meets me. But since I snapped and said all those things to her over a week ago we haven't spoken at all.
I don't know about the marriage situation in Australia. I know she would have to marry him in order to be able to move there. He told me that time I talked to him that they were going to get married in November but that never happened. Says she keeps putting it off. I don't know.
I want to thank everyone for replying to me. It means a lot. I think I am getting depressed about it all and the fact I am willing to put up with it all. I do know I love her which is why I have put up with it for so long. I really do. I do need help.0 -
OP
I don't think there's much to say to that. That is all madness. She sounds like an absolute nightmare.
If he's real or not, this marriage isn't. It is a very complicated process, and there's a time window, which has passed. They're not getting married.
OP, you don't "try" to end things with someone. You just do. She has no intention of doing so.
She has cheated on you, which you think was your fault, told you she "wouldn't put you through all this pain if she didn't have feelings for you", is talking to you behind her fiancé's back and is going to meet you in a foreign country to decide if she wants to get married?
My heart goes out to you, OP, but I'll have to stand by what I said about her. What a horrific, horrific person.
Get the Hell away from her, she is bullsh*t. Go and see a counsellor ASAP.0 -
OP
I don't think there's much to say to that. That is all madness. She sounds like an absolute nightmare.
If he's real or not, this marriage isn't. It is a very complicated process, and there's a time window, which has passed. They're not getting married.
OP, you don't "try" to end things with someone. You just do. She has no intention of doing so.
She has cheated on you, which you think was your fault, told you she "wouldn't put you through all this pain if she didn't have feelings for you", is talking to you behind her fiancé's back and is going to meet you in a foreign country to decide if she wants to get married?
My heart goes out to you, OP, but I'll have to stand by what I said about her. What a horrific, horrific person.
Get the Hell away from her, she is bullsh*t. Go and see a counsellor ASAP.
Time window? What makes you think they're not getting married?
That's what I said to her numerous times and again last week. You don't try end it. You just do it. Saying she has tried so many times. Saying it could take a while to end things. That pissed me off. Obviously ending it is not a nice thing to do but you just do it. People do it everyday.
I'm completely devastated. Feeling so so low. I do need to talk to someone. Nothing seems to matter anymore.0 -
I should have said this in my post but pressed send too soon.
Op, with respect, you do not seem to be getting it. You are still rationalising what she's telling you when it doesn't make sense. This entire situation is extremely toxic - you went and skyped the guy and found out she went away with him, and you are still pursuing her.
OP I'm sorry, I cannot tell you what you feel but that is not love. And there is certainly no love coming from her.
I'm not being critical for the sake of it, OP, but I think an earlier poster is correct: you are not listening, and I don't think you're going to stop this, you keep saying you admit you're an idiot (you are not an idiot, you know what the story is) and how much you loathe that you are willing to put up with it, then say you don't know what to do.
You know exactly what to do.
I really hope you block her entirely and get some counselling. Look after yourself OP x0 -
Ah yes. The whole "innocent game".
Op, you know yourself very rarely does anyone admit to doing anything wrong. She's stringing you along sadly mate.
When you know someone and when you love someone you can get blinded by a person's horrible actions. Just look at the facts and take yourself out of the situation. Her saying how she doesn't want to break his heart is a nice convenient lie (and manipulation)
Life is too short for everything you said.0 -
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I would bet a months salary that you are being used and played in a long term game to get money or a visa out of you.
I mean honestly OP, she’s engaged to someone in Oz who she’s never met. But if *only* you were to meet her, she’d see the light?!?? It’s just like the most obvious and sad scam in the book: hold off for ages and reel the guy in, tell him you love him, blow hot & cold - then fleece him for way more money than a short-term immediate scam.
She is going to ruin your life. Stop talking to her. You are being played for her gain. She is using you so badly, and you can’t even see it0
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