Issue with teenager

2xj3hplqgsbkym

Look up his college website and see what free services- gp or counselling are available to students

Odelay

MICKEYG wrote: »

I don't think so but when does any parent know for sure.
He is heavy into sport and checks everything he takes (once refusing Panadol as it was on a banned list) so I am leaning towards not. Not a big drinker either from what I see.

Just thinking about this again. What banned list is paracetamol on? I cannt find any. I wonder is his cautiones a screen to give the impression he would never touch anything stronger?
As I understand it drug testing for amateur teenaged sports is not consistent if there at all. It would not be unusual for a teenager to put up a false distain for something....

njs030

thierry14 wrote: »

Feel for you OP

Terrible situation to be in

At the end of the day you can do all the talking and counselling you want, but we are still just animals

Alpha has to insert dominance, your home, your rules

Your son at 18 thinks he can be the alpha

In the animal kingdom the challenger gets put down by the alpha and peace and harmony are restored

You need to show your son who's boss, sometimes there is no other way

By 18 you're long past the stage of telling your child what to do and should be at a stage that you can talk about issues like adults and resolve them.
For whatever reason this has broken down in ops home but laying down the law to an already agressive 18 year old will make the situation worse.

Op you didn't answer the question about the previous problem solving in your home and its an important one? Is he acting how he's been taught to act in the past?

Dial Hard

TresGats wrote:

Na mate, thats dogs.

This nonsense was debunked even for dogs long ago.

thierry14

Dial Hard wrote: »

This nonsense was debunked even for dogs long ago.

With pets maybe

Not working dogs

MICKEYG

njs030 wrote: »

By 18 you're long past the stage of telling your child what to do and should be at a stage that you can talk about issues like adults and resolve them.
For whatever reason this has broken down in ops home but laying down the law to an already agressive 18 year old will make the situation worse.

Op you didn't answer the question about the previous problem solving in your home and its an important one? Is he acting how he's been taught to act in the past?

We have had some issues in the past but not very often. We aren't perfect parents but always thought we were fair.
For the most part it is a calm and happy house but there were one or two times in the past when things did get heated. That hasn't happened for a long time though.
Do you think that there is some lingering problem here or are you saying he is acting as he has been taught? If the latter I am not so sure.

December2012

It is and was your job to make sure he doesn’t turn out as he has. You need to fix it. He can’t.

It sounds like you realise you don’t know how to fix it. You’re concerned (or else you wouldn’t have posted here) so you need to get some sort of professional guidance and develop the right tools and techniques now and coach him
Through this phase of life

njs030

MICKEYG wrote: »

We have had some issues in the past but not very often. We aren't perfect parents but always thought we were fair.
For the most part it is a calm and happy house but there were one or two times in the past when things did get heated. That hasn't happened for a long time though.
Do you think that there is some lingering problem here or are you saying he is acting as he has been taught? If the latter I am not so sure.

If it's not a generally shouty house then it must be a problem within himself or externally.

I think talking to him would be a good idea but not in a parents vs child way, the going for a drive idea is good or if he's close to a cousin, uncle etc maybe they could try and find out what's happening?

College is such a hard transition. Is he managing study and a social life OK? Does he have enough money for everything he needs and is he making friends?

Group counselling would be good if you can get to a point he wants to go.

wiggle16

I know I'm not a mod, but I feel it should be said if it hasn't already: there seem to be a few posts implying some fault on the part of the poster (ie, that this lad is acting how he has been taught to, that the OP is somehow distant as a parent, is their home one where there is a lot of shouting etc) and I don't think that's helpful at all. It's the OP's son who is misbehaving, and the OP is looking for a solution and hasn't given us any reason to speculate about if this is somehow his fault. This lad is 18, not a baby.

OP, I don't have much advice to offer. The only thing I can say is that, although I completely understand the temptation to throw him out for a night (and he completely deserves it if I'm honest...), I would only use that as an absolute last resort - for the simple reason being that he will hold it against you and will convince him that you're the bad guy, and you won't get through to him.

There is obviously something going on in the background with him that you are not aware of, whether this is drugs, sexuality or something else, but this doesn't give him license to behave like this.

Some sort of group counselling as mentioned above is definitely the way to go. In the meantime, if he will not regulate his behaviour then I would not go on supporting him beyond the basics - if he's not working, don't give him money; if he gets lifts to his matches/sports stuff, knock that on the head. Any privileges like that, if you haven't already, make sure he knows they're all stopping until he engages with you and his mother. I completely agree with the other posters that counselling is the solution, but you cannot put up with that behaviour either. His mother and siblings live there too and the younger two also need to know that bad behaviour isn't rewarded. But again, unless he gets violent, kicking him out should be the absolute last resort.

Best of luck OP. I hope this improves for you soon.

njs030

wiggle16 wrote: »

I know I'm not a mod, but I feel it should be said if it hasn't already: there seem to be a few posts implying some fault on the part of the poster (ie, that this lad is acting how he has been taught to, that the OP is somehow distant as a parent, is their home one where there is a lot of shouting etc) and I don't think that's helpful at all. It's the OP's son who is misbehaving, and the OP is looking for a solution and hasn't given us any reason to speculate about if this is somehow his fault. This lad is 18, not a baby.

That's not what was meant at all, it was asking a question about the household that people are allowed to do to get a better picture if the op doesnt mind answerinh.

You're right though you're not a mod so would you mind reporting posts instead of back seat modding? It's not very helpful.

wiggle16

njs030 wrote: »

That's not what was meant at all, it was asking a question about the household.

You're right though you're not a mod so will you report posts instead of back seat modding?

I'll disagree with you on what was implicit in the household question, it's subjective. I think some people are attempting to portion blame on the OP and I don't think that's fair.

Backseat modding? I'm not going to report posts that aren't breaching a charter, or abusive, and I'm not going to ask a mod to enforce my point of view. I'm saying blaming the OP isn't helpful, and since it hasn't been said, I felt the need to say it.

qwerty13

I have to say that I second the poster that said they wondered if he was your son, or a stepson that you find it hard to bond with. You just sound very detached from him.

Is there a possibility that you feel differently (not just now) about him compared to his other siblings, and that he’s picked up on that over the years, and resents it? Or maybe that favouritism was shown by your or your wife to the other children? Is there a big age gap between him and the other kids, might there be a weight of expectation on his shoulders that you & your wife have mellowed with the other kids?

I’m only clutching at straws here, it’s very hard to know. It does seem to me that even thinking of kicking him out is a very drastic solution. Are things really constantly that bad? I’m not criticising you - just that it’s unusual on this forum to hear of a parent saying that, even in the case of drugs abuse. I don’t know how bad your daily living with him is though. But is there a chance that you yourself are as frustrated / reacting badly as your son is? It just struck me that both of you are reacting very very strongly to something - possibly overreacting. We don’t know what your son is reacting to, but your reaction seems very strong, given the circumstances you’ve described (I do understand that the circumstances are very unpleasant- but surely kicking him out would be a really really last resort).

It’s a horrible situation to be in. I hope you can all gain some understanding of each other

njs030

wiggle16 wrote: »

I'll disagree with you on what was implicit in the household question, it's subjective. I think some people are attempting to portion blame on the OP and I don't think that's fair.

Backseat modding? I'm not going to report posts that aren't breaching a charter, or abusive, and I'm not going to ask a mod to enforce my point of view. I'm saying blaming the OP isn't helpful, and since it hasn't been said, I felt the need to say it.

I don't know about anyone else but I asked because children who are brought up in very tense households where there's a lot of shouting and anger eventually turn into that kind of person themselves.
It's helpful to know if that's the type of household the child grew up in because it shows a possible reason why he's acting this way. It's not blaming the op or his wife and it is trying to help him.
As that wasn't the case here, it's easy to put that aside and I did in my post and made suggestions.
Sometimes it is the parents fault and an 18 year old is still a child in an awful lot of ways!

That's exactly it, it's your point of view and other people have different ones so while you may have gone about it a different way we are all entitled to our own opinions without anyone other than mods telling us what to do aren't we?

wiggle16

njs030 wrote: »

I don't know about anyone else but I asked because children who are brought up in very tense households where there's a lot of shouting and anger eventually turn into that kind of person themselves.
It's helpful to know if that's the type of household the child grew up in because it shows a possible reason why he's acting this way. It's not blaming the op or his wife and it is trying to help him.
As that wasn't the case here, it's easy to put that aside and I did in my post and made suggestions.
Sometimes it is the parents fault and an 18 year old is still a child in an awful lot of ways!

That's exactly it, it's your point of view and other people have different ones so while you may have gone about it a different way we are all entitled to our own opinions without anyone other than mods telling us what to do aren't we?

I didn't realise you had posted about the house etc, my reply wasn't meant to be personal.

I never told anyone what to do. I said I think people blaming the OP is not helpful (and I'm not accusing you of blaming, by the way) because it doesn't offer the OP anything constructive with regards to a solution. It is good to have background of course, but some other posters were not so fair. Of course I understand that other people have different points of view which is why I would not go to a mod asking for mine to be enforced.

Big Bag of Chips

Mod Note:

njs030 wrote: »

You're right though you're not a mod so would you mind reporting posts instead of back seat modding? It's not very helpful.

Pot/kettle?

Can all posters please remember how and why Personal Issues works: To offer advice to the person posting asking for advice.

It really shouldn't be too hard. A poster comes asking a question, if you reply on thread then you are replying to that person. Keep that in mind and keep replies, civil and on topic please.

And if anybody has any issue with any post - report it.

Thanks
BBoC

looksee

If this were a houseshare, the other tenants would not accept having someone in the house who blows their top and is aggressive. That is the bottom line here too. He is an adult and has to learn to act like one. If the home example he has had growing up has been one of calm and reason then he knows how an adult should behave.

Have a talk with him and make it plain that you will not accept aggression in the house. He can go to family counselling with you, agree to improve his behaviour or find alternative accommodation - which you should, if you possibly can, help with. When the basic issue of lack of personal control has been deal with then you can try to sort out the reasons.