Issue with teenager

MICKEYG

Sorry, at a loss here and looking for advice.
We have a teenager (18 and a half) in the house who is extremely abusive to his mother and I and this is not changing having gone on for many months.
He has two younger brothers and we are very worried about the effect this is having on them.
Some days are fine but he is likely to blow up at any time once he does not get his way and this is very stressful to us all.
At this stage I have had enough and am wondering what my options are. I would like to throw him out and get our lives back. I am not sure where he will go but maybe will straigthen him out.
He is in first year in college but I don't know what else to do. We don't deserve this.

ellie1

Have you a relative you could send him to stay with?

December2012

Are you at risk? You can get a barring order if that’s the case.

However if not then don’t do something drastic ye yet. Maybe counselling would be a first step ?

zoobizoo

How long has he been like this?


Had it anything to do with him moving from school to college.....?

njs030

Who is the parent of the child? If its not you what does his mother want to do?

K.Flyer

Have you either of you ever tried to speak with him to try to find out what has him feeling the way he is.
Or maybe mediation or counseling to find what is bringing up his aggression towards his mother.

jimgoose

This kind of thing is to be expected from a five-year-old "acting out" for some reason that needs to be teased out of him or her, but this fella is a grown man, we use our long words, our indoor voices, and unless we want a shot into the butt of the ear we do not conduct ourselves in a threatening or abusive manner. Speak to him, discuss this behaviour with him, depending on how you get on there explain to him that this sort of carry-on will not be tolerated and he could be looking at moving out or even getting the Gardaí involved - adult, remember?

woodchuck

Are you his father? The way you're talking him, I'm guessing not.

You say this has been going on for months and that he recently started college. I don't think that's a coincidence. His behaviour is likely a symptom of a bigger issue going on at college. I'm not saying that's an excuse for his behaviour, but it would make sense to try and address the root cause of the issue. Talking to him might be more productive and compassionate than making him homeless...

MICKEYG

Thanks all. I am his father and I am married to his mother so no complications there.
The behaviour started before college, originally I thought it was just normal teenage angst and then Leaving Cert stress but it has continued on so not sure if one single issue but rather ongoing lack of self awareness and respect for others.

I have to say I am so tired of this that I just want rid of him (maybe this will make him see the light) but fully acknowledge that throwing him out is the last resort.
Will try talking to him again but he does not want to know. He thinks we are always in the wrong. I suppose we are responsible as we raised him but I have two others to worry about too.
I thought we did a good job, gave him every head start in life we could, sacrificed our own luxuries for a private school etc. Didn't feel we spoiled him but we obviously missed something somewhere.

silverharp

could he move out to student accommodation, even a Monday to Friday arrangement? it might another financial drain but the space might do ye all good. Or even the mention of might make him see how fed up you all are.

bigpink

Lay down the law
He should not abuse his mother and a woman
He’s getting a 2nd chance otherwise he has to go

The Pheasant2

Talk to him? Calmly explain the effect his absusive behaviour is having on his mother and yourself and what will happen if it continues. There could very well be issues going on in his life that he doesn't feel he can tell you about. It seems strange that he'd become so full of anger for no reason.

Odelay

Is he taking drugs?

MICKEYG

Odelay wrote: »

Is he taking drugs?

I don't think so but when does any parent know for sure.
He is heavy into sport and checks everything he takes (once refusing Panadol as it was on a banned list) so I am leaning towards not. Not a big drinker either from what I see.

zoobizoo

MICKEYG wrote: »

The behaviour started before college, originally I thought it was just normal teenage angst and then Leaving Cert stress but it has continued on so not sure if one single issue but rather ongoing lack of self awareness and respect for others.

I am just wondering if it might be that he was happy and content in school and that he has found the transition to college to be too much for him? He doesn't want to come across as afraid / scared and you guys are the only ones who he can control / dominate?

Is he happy in college?

Is there anyway you could get him to talk to a counsellor / therapist to get to the route cause of the issue?

K.Flyer

It could be anything, he may be in some sort of trouble which he is too afraid or embarrassed to talk about. He may be a victim of bullying himself and is taking out his angst at home. It may be relationship or sexuality issues.
Keep in mind that it may be also a medical problem.
Whatever it is, you need to talk With him, not At him.
If you care for him, as a Father I am sure you do, let him know, let him know you Want to help him whatever the problem is and that whatever it is, you will be there for him.
These things can take time to sort out, if you want them to, but you have to work with him, but be patient and prepared.

December2012

MICKEYG wrote: »

I don't think so but when does any parent know for sure.
He is heavy into sport and checks everything he takes (once refusing Panadol as it was on a banned list) so I am leaning towards not. Not a big drinker either from what I see.

Steroids?

Fakediamond

What was the method of communicating in the family growing up? Was there lots of shouting or anger? Was the parenting style confrontational? If it was a fairly relaxed household then I would agree with others that the root cause might be drugs/external pressures etc. But if it was a tense angry home then he’s probably just aping that now that he’s old enough to fight back. Either way, it needs sorting for everyone’s sake. Individual or family therapy might be the first step. You all need to start communicating maturely and it won’t happen without a neutral person to guide the process.

MICKEYG

Thanks all for your help.
Would you be able to recommend someone/ some company to counsel or mediate. I don't know where to start.
Thanks again.

Big Bag of Chips

Have a chat with the GP. They are your best bet. We can't give recommendations here. For a start we cannot verify that any poster is who they claim to be and also a counsellor that worked well for one family might not be what another family need. But definitely look for a family therapist rather than individual. You could all do with guidance, this isn't solely his fault so he shouldn't be sent off to counselling to 'fix' him.

Also, steroids might be worth considering if the anger and aggression is only a recent thing.

circadian

December2012 wrote: »

Steroids?

Immediately thought this if he's sports focused and acting irrationally. Although, he's refused panadol as it's on the banned list so....

Does he have a girlfriend/boyfriend? Maybe a relationship is strained and he's lashing out at home.

MICKEYG

Will sit down with him tonight and ask all these questions. If that does not reveal anything I will do some research with GP on counselling.
If he wont partake in that then I don't know where I go. It cant go on like this, I have a wife and two kids to look after too.

Thanks again for all your advice. I will keep you posted.

zoobizoo

From my memories of being a teenager, sit down talks were awful and never got the desired results my parents wanted. "how are things?" "FINE".... "any issues?"...... NO.... and so it went.......



Would you take him out for a a drive - easier to chat while you're both staring ahead.


Does he have an uncle he gets on with or Godfather who he might be more inclined to open up to?


I found out my niece was being bullied when I took her for a spin one day. I was talking generally around school etc and friends and she just opened up.

silverharp

zoobizoo wrote: »

From my memories of being a teenager, sit down talks were awful and never got the desired results my parents wanted. "how are things?" "FINE".... "any issues?"...... NO.... and so it went.......



Would you take him out for a a drive - easier to chat while you're both staring ahead.

I have the best chats with my son when we are driving so can confirm

listermint

MICKEYG wrote: »

Will sit down with him tonight and ask all these questions. If that does not reveal anything I will do some research with GP on counselling.
If he wont partake in that then I don't know where I go. It cant go on like this, I have a wife and two kids to look after too.

Thanks again for all your advice. I will keep you posted.

Just for clarity OP


You have a wife and three kids.

Don't forget that , it seems you are creating distance on one of them and I'm sure that amplifies the problems.

Do you think your son doesn't notice , if you go on about him this way in a forum I'd imagine he can pick up on it in daily life too.

MICKEYG

Sorry, came across wrong. I realize I have three kids and have never picked between them. My meaning was "two other kids".

woodchuck

listermint wrote: »

Just for clarity OP


You have a wife and three kids.

Don't forget that , it seems you are creating distance on one of them and I'm sure that amplifies the problems.

Do you think your son doesn't notice , if you go on about him this way in a forum I'd imagine he can pick up on it in daily life too.

I agree with this. OP I know you said it was just a slip of the tongue, but even from your first post I genuinely didn't even think he was your son. The way you spoke about him, he could've been a step child you were willing to put up with until he turned 18, but then wanted him out of the house.

I don't mean to be accusatory btw. But as a complete stranger, I'm picking up on a very strange attitude here the way you talk about him. So I can only imagine how your son is picking up on this in real life.

So I'd be very careful how you speak to him. Personally I'd try to express how worried I am about his change of attitude and that you want to help... however I'm not 100% that is actually how you feel? (again, no offense intended, but it seems you're more concerned with having an easy life than figuring out what's wrong with your son) I know you're at your wits end, but you shouldn't even be considering kicking your 18 year old son out on the street...

thierry14

Feel for you OP

Terrible situation to be in

At the end of the day you can do all the talking and counselling you want, but we are still just animals

Alpha has to insert dominance, your home, your rules

Your son at 18 thinks he can be the alpha

In the animal kingdom the challenger gets put down by the alpha and peace and harmony are restored

You need to show your son who's boss, sometimes there is no other way

The Pheasant2

thierry14 wrote: »

Feel for you OP

Terrible situation to be in

At the end of the day you can do all the talking and counselling you want, but we are still just animals

Alpha has to insert dominance, your home, your rules

Your son at 18 thinks he can be the alpha

In the animal kingdom the challenger gets put down by the alpha and peace and harmony are restored

You need to show your son who's boss, sometimes there is no other way

I'm not a parent. But this doesn't sound like good advice.

shesty

I'd love to know how that poster thinks that can be done with an 18 year old adult....

TresGats

thierry14 wrote: »

Feel for you OP

Terrible situation to be in

At the end of the day you can do all the talking and counselling you want, but we are still just animals

Alpha has to insert dominance, your home, your rules

Your son at 18 thinks he can be the alpha

In the animal kingdom the challenger gets put down by the alpha and peace and harmony are restored

You need to show your son who's boss, sometimes there is no other way

Na mate, thats dogs.