Feel bitter and angry about how my life has turned out.

LegacyUser

I just need to vent as I just had a mini freak-out, crying and yelling being home alone.

I decided rather than telling the whole story, (because we will be going back years now), I will just say what my life has turned to now.

I am a 25 year old female virgin who had an overall depressing time at school, a sad and lonely time at college and as a result I have a poor academic record. I KNOW I was capable of getting good marks, but I feel because of my poor social life and my life at home, I think I felt no motivation for any of it.

My life at home growing up was bad for me. I was always teased and bullied by my brother and sister, and my mother barely did anything about it. She never once tried to questioned me about why I had no friends or why I stayed in my room all the time. She didn't seem to get or want to accept that the fighting going on in the house and me treated badly was the root of it.

I thought college would have been a great time for me (moving away, meeting new people),
but it was just the same as school, and I was more or less a hermit the past few years apart from classes. It was
horrible to hear how much fun people were having at college, with study and socializing. Whereas my social life
was poor and I had a bad experience with a lecturer who just ignored me the entire year,
unless he had no choice but to speak to me. It was a small college and course classroom so it was easy to see.
He would go to everyone's desk to see how they were getting on, and then just walk straight past
me and not acknowledge me. It made me feel so horrible and ostracized, and and with everything else I feel it contributed to me getting a 2.2 (only point away from getting a pass) because I just wanted to drop out by then (even though I liked the subject), but I wasn't allowed too by my family. I never had him for my last year, but by then my mental health about the whole thing was just shot I think. I felt like I had no real support from anyone and that people were talking behind my back. ( I have seen it done before to other students in that place).

I have wanted to drive since I was 17, but due to a few bad lessons and my LC exams at the time, they went to waste. But when I tried to show interest again, no one wanted me to do it. They felt like just because the first few lessons didn't go anywhere, maybe I wasn't capable for it, which I thought was unfair. I had to fight to get the lessons in the first place, as my mother was trying to put off the subject. Obviously because of my life, I am a nervous, quiet and anxious person so that's their reasoning. But even then I thought it was unfair to make me feel even more useless about myself.


I know all of you are thinking that I just complained about my life, while sitting on my ass doing nothing.
But the point of my post is that I tried EVERYTHING to make sure my life wasn't going to turn out the way it does now.

- After I (barely) passed my Leaving Cert, I wanted to repeat it again. I thought maybe being in a different environment would be better for me. But I wasn't allowed. (I knew they thought I was just too dumb to repeat it again)

-I asked about taking a gap year before starting college. But that wasn't allowed too. We lived in the middle of nowhere, my mother worked and the jobs are non-existent for anything back then unless you knew someone. So I would have been home alone anyway. But even then I knew after the LC that I should have just took a break and REALLY thought about what I want to do for my future.

-I tried to leave after my 3rd year of college. I wanted to either transfer or defer the year, but my mother was worried I couldn't get the grant. So I has to stay at it, even though I knew it would be best to leave.

-I went to counselling, but it was no good. She was just telling me what i want to hear, not actually breaking down the issues if that makes sense.

-I tried to join things during college, but no matter what I did and how I spoke to people, I was still that weird one.
It just killed me that I am still an outcast, so I supposed I became a hermit due to that.

-Post college, I suggested to rent a room for a few months to see if that could help with job-seeking and studying, especially since I have no car and we live in an isolated rural area. I thought studying would be easier if I could go to a library, rather than be stuck in my room all the time.
I could borrow money from mam for deposit and rent, and owe it back to her which she agreed with. But my sister made comments about how I cannot rely on mam forever and made me feel horrible about it, even though the whole point was to get a leg up in getting my life in order, and I would be owing her the money back anyway.

Basically I have tried everything to improve my life, but it is impossible when no one really wants anything to do with me. I have some friends now, that I see now and again, I feel the only reason they still want to see me is because we rarely hang out that much. So they don't know me too well to actually be put off by me.
The only people who I am around a lot of the time are family, who have done nothing but make me feel bad about myself, and who have stalled me from trying to improve my life. I am doing a springboard course now, but it is long distance, so I am still at home which I feel will make me worse if I don't have any other contact for the year other than family. I just don't want this to be a waste of time again. I actually think one of my siblings (who has nothing in his life except his career) is actually smug about me not doing well, so that he can feel the best at everything. I have had people make snide comments about me being unemployed, having no driver's licence, still relying on family, even though I have job searched relentlessly and have had interviews. Feedback from interviews say my CV is fine, but my interviews skills are not and I don't know how to improve them, because I have tried everything.

I am not sure if what I wrote made me sense or flowed well, because TBH I am shaking and in tears, because I am so sick of everything. Everything I do is the wrong thing, everyone always has to criticize or have an negative opinion on what I try to do to improve my life. I never wanted a handout, but I wanted a helping hand, and it just felt like I never really got it. I just want it all to stop.

Big Bag of Chips

Have you tried going to see someone who will coach you in interview skills? Life can be pretty unfair and tough for people who don't immediately fit in to the crowd. That doesn't mean that your life is destined to be lonely forever. You need to start with baby steps to try move on from where you find yourself. If you can get yourself a job then you can afford to get driving lessons. If you have your own income then you can gain that bit of independence from your family. You won't need their permission for doing things.

Start with that one issue first and try get it sorted. Take little notice of what you think people think about you. Honestly, people aren't half as interested in us and our problems as we think. People might make passing comments occasionally, but they quickly move on and think about/talk about something else.

Find somewhere that will help you with your interview skills. It is not something most people are good at. I'm terrible at interviews. Approach recruitment agencies. Once you can find yourself a job things will start to change.

LegacyUser

Why do blame your mother and your lecturer for your poor results? That was completely in your control and you did nothing to change circumstances for yourself. Instead it's your mother's fault you got a bad leaving cert and your lecturer ignoring you even though you liked the subject that you got a bad overall grade in your college course. That is not the case. You didn't get the grades you wanted because you didn't apply yourself in the manner you felt you could.

Take ownership of the parts of your life that are in your control and stop pushing your lack of enthusiasm to truly make a difference in your life onto others. You are a grown up and your sister, like it or not, is right. There comes a time where people need to cut the cord.

If you want independence find a job that will help grow your confidence and possible improve social skills. It doesn't have to be in your chosen field just anyone that helps you earn money and save to move from the rural place you live in if you think that is what you need. Possibly by showing a desire to change your own circumstances might be enough to get your family to help and support you.

If the interview skills are poor make a list of the questions you got asked and write down/rehearse answers you would have liked to have given. Ask your mum or sister to do mock interviews with you with those questions. This needs work and practice. Hoping you will nail it on the interview is not enough unfortunately. Also YouTube has lots of sample interviews that you can check out. Look up Amy Cuddy's tech talk on body language. Lots of homework to do in that area and it will feel terribly uncomfortable, particularly in the mock interviews but you need to do them and be open to the feedback you will get from family. They are the best critics around for you.

In terms of socialising the only way is to get out and be among people (again money would help here). I know it's outside your comfort zone as you feel akward but possibly pick something that doesn't stretch you too far initially like cinema with friends or whatever and see how that goes.

woodchuck

OP there's a lot of external blaming and self pitying going on in your post. There's always going to be scope for people to give you additional help, but it does sound like your mother made the right call on a lot of things:
- If you got enough points in the LC the first time around to get accepted to a course you were interested in, it would be a waste of time and money to repeat. And I'm assuming your mother was the one who paid for your college fees and accommodation while you were studying?
- Taking a year off just to sit at home alone and "think" wouldn't be doing you any favours at all. You'd just end up even more miserable and isolated by the end of it.
- Wanting to transfer/defer after your 3rd year of college. I think your mother did the right thing encouraging you to see it through. You now have a degree that will stand to you for the rest of your life. Who knows what would have happened if you would have deferred for a year.
- Driving lessons: your mother was very good to pay for a few lessons at such a young age. Now that you're older though, if you want to give it another shot, it's up to you to fund it yourself. Driving (lessons, insurance etc) is very expensive, so I don't blame your mother for not paying for this. It's possible she just can't afford it and you're an adult now.

I see two major issues here:
1. Your self-esteem. I know you tried counselling before and you weren't happy with your counselor, but you should try again with someone else.
2. Your interview skills. Some good suggestions have already been made in relation to this. Once you sort this out, hopefully you'll get a job and be able to do all the things you want to do without blaming anyone else (move out, learn to drive etc).

I think 1&2 go hand in hand here... if you're not confident in yourself, that will come through in the interviews.

LegacyUser

deflectingMuch wrote: »

Take ownership of the parts of your life that are in your control and stop pushing your lack of enthusiasm to truly make a difference in your life onto others. You are a grown up and your sister, like it or not, is right. There comes a time where people need to cut the cord.

But I would have owed her the money back, why are people not getting this? Same with the driving and everything else, I would have took loans out, but she keeps stopping me from doing it.


I have tried to do everything I could not to be here. I knew I wasn't a right place mentally so I knew I needed a break from it all. Jobs weren't and still aren't exactly plentiful where we live. So I am honestly at a loss at what I am supposed to do, because people are acting like securing a job is so ****ing easy.

Airyfairy12

Reading through your post there are many sections throughout that I relate to. I also grew up in the middle of nowhere and I understand how difficult and isolating that can be and how easy it is to get trapped there. While still living with my parents in my mid twenties, like you I couldnt get a job but I began to notice a pattern in my interviews, as soon as I mentioned that I lived rurally and that couldnt drive their interest in me as a potential employee reduced immediately. They want someone dependable and living in the countryside with no transport makes you potentially unreliable. Youre in a better situation than me as your parents are actually willing to help you out financially and will support you with loans until you get on your feet, I had to save my social welfare payments in order to get out. My family also has plenty of negative people who do nothing but judge and criticise but taking that criticism on board is your choice. So when your sister made a comment about you taking a loan from your mother you had two options, you could have ignored your sister, accepted the loan and would now be living in town in your own place with increased chances of gaining employment and meeting new people or you could have listened to your sister, refused the loan and stayed in the depressing situation youre in. You chose to listen to your sister. You cant blame anyone else for that.

As for your 2.2 degree. I had social anxiety and agoraphobia in college and barely left my room for 2 years, I dont know how I passed but managed to scrape a 2.2 award. No one has ever asked me what results I got in college and it didnt stop me pursuing a masters and getting a decent job. No one really cares whether you get 2.2 or a 1.1 and I think employers are generally understanding that some people just dont do well under exam stress. Its not something you should be worrying about.

Have you looked into CBT? It might help with your negative thinking.

woodchuck

ophere wrote: »

But I would have owed her the money back, why are people not getting this? Same with the driving and everything else, I would have took loans out, but she keeps stopping me from doing it.

If you want to get a loan from the bank or credit union, that's fair enough and your family can't stop you. However if you're talking about getting a loan from your mother, it is absolutely her right to say no. She has already put you through college! I'm sure most parents would help out their kids if they're in a desperate situation, however it doesn't sound like you are.

ophere wrote: »

I have tried to do everything I could not to be here. I knew I wasn't a right place mentally so I knew I needed a break from it all. Jobs weren't and still aren't exactly plentiful where we live. So I am honestly at a loss at what I am supposed to do, because people are acting like securing a job is so ****ing easy.

Nobody is saying getting a job is easy. But you have a degree and by all accounts a good CV. That's getting you to the interview stages, which is a lot more than other people can say! Now you need to work on your interview skills. You say you've tried everything... have done any of the suggestions above in relation to strengthening your interview skills?

Ursus Horribilis

If your attitude in real life is anything like it is on this thread, then you've got yourself defeated before you start. I agree with the others - interview training is money well spent. I did a filmed mock interview when I was starting out and it was well worth doing. It was toe-curlingly embarrassing of course but I got a lot from the experience. It's also well worth having someone look at your CV. They're very difficult things to write; selling ourselves isn't something that comes naturally to most Irish people. When someone who's good at that sort of thing gets at your CV it can make all the difference.

Solomon Pleasant

Hi OP,

Struggling socially and in life generally is often because you lack some kind of skill set. It’s nothing to be ashamed of, loads of people perform poorly in life in one respect and better in others. Very few appear good at everything and no one is perfect.

For the social aspect of your issue, read “How to Win Friends and Influence People” by Dale Carnegie. Use the principles in the book and apply them to your life. Live and die by the principles. It’ll go a long way to improving you socially.

Secondly, these problems are your problems. This means that while you are the one burdened by them, you are also the one with the ability to solve them. You have to direct your life in the way you want it to go. Make a conscious effort to rewire how you think. Anything negative in your life has to change. Limit time on social media, improve your diet, exercise and try to think positively.

Lastly, push your self out of your comfort zone. Anxiety is actually quite common, it’s how you deal with it that will define you. Force yourself to do something that frightens you a bit. Try to do this every single day. The more you do it, the easier it gets. The worst that will happen is slight embarrassment - the satisfaction of beating your fears is a a very good return. Set goals and don’t give up on them.

Best of luck OP. Many people have issues like yours, you’re not alone and I hope you recognise this.

Brochatshow

Hi OP, sorry to hear you're going through a difficult time at the moment. Honestly, reading this I feel as if I could have written it myself, I'm 22 and in much the same boat ! I hope it's of some comfort to you that you're not alone at all in experiencing loneliness, frustration. Mindfulness can be a really helpful technique in coping with overwhelming thoughts and emotions and there are loads of useful tutorials on YouTube etc. Also talk about it! Is there a friend or family member you feel you can confide in? As mentioned by some other, counselling could be really beneficial aswell. I know it can sound trivial but self care can really make a difference, even simple things like getting a goods nights sleep, eating healthily, exercise and just being kind to yourself. Think about what your interests are, what you're good at, what would your dream job be, what goals you would like. Take strength from the fact that you have excellent insight into area of your life that you want to improve, honestly that can be half the battle. As for your social life OP, you have friends that I'm sure would only be delighted to hear from you. It might do you good to get out of the house and meet up. Wish you the best of luck

thierry14

All of your problems can be fixed

First get a professional to work on interviewing skills so you can get a job, they can coach anyone

Virgin thing is no big deal, get on tinder and the like, you might even find love

Driving is simple, get lessons in an auto car, way easier to pass ( every car in the future will be auto, don't worry about transmission restriction )

Teyla Emmagan

woodchuck wrote:

OP there's a lot of external blaming and self pitying going on in your post. There's always going to be scope for people to give you additional help, but it does sound like your mother made the right call on a lot of things.

I completely agree on this. You're all about blaming other people for your problems OP. And the idea that any parent would support a perfectly able adult sitting around their house 'thinking' for a whole year is laughable.

Sometimes you have to get on with life, even when the path you are on is not perfect. You have a 2:2 degree now, it's more than a lot of people have and more than enough to get you a job.

If your mother is still amenable to giving you a loan go back to the moving out idea. Never mind what your sister says. Get a room in a house in the nearest big town and start earning. You don't need the job of your dreams initially, just enough to build up your confidence, get you earning a few bob and talking to people. You can save up for driving lessons then in your own time.

And work on yourself, you may be in the middle of nowhere but if you have the Internet there is so much you can do in terms of self improvement. You need to do a lot of positive thinking. There are a million online resources that can help.

Xterminator

Hi OP

you came onto boards to get some advice presumably, and to let out the feeling you have bottled inside.

Well done for taking that step, especially if you don't have a person you can confide in, and express these feelings.

I hope you take onboard the consensus here that you are indulging in self pity and being in my opinion a little ungrateful for what your parents have done for you. You don't seem to lend any weight to other people's opinions and are sure you are right. EG finishing college, i completely concur with your mother there.

It true to say you have been given some advantages in your life that not everyone gets. IE a good start. However you are not seeing the good, but focusing on the negative.

you now have your leaving cert and college degree. you now have friends. your young and have your whole future on front of you. So many possibilites.

this is why i think you would benefit from getting some counselling, or reading a book to train you to look at the positive.
https://www.amazon.com/Happiness-Little-Self-Love-Positive-Thinking-ebook/dp/B01MDTQ3GV/ref=pd_sbs_351_10?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=SEVBSDKGQARXD6J5ACK2

cailin.

Hi OP,

I would much echo a lot of the sentiments already made by other posters here already.

Nowhere in your post do you mention that you are a 25 year old ADULT. The first step in changing the things within your life and within your environment, is to accept that your attitude is part of your problem. I sense a lot of hurt within your post, with your relationship with your mum and your upbringing. At the moment you're in a vicious cycle, you're unable to say what your strengths are and until you become comfortable identifying this and feeling better within yourself as a person it will be difficult to challenge yourself in the way that you need.

The best thing about being an educated adult, is that more opportunities and doors will open for you should you wish to pursue them. The not doing stuff you wanted because you would need a loan and were not allowed to pursue one, is a poor excuse imo. Can you complete college and get a job to start saving? Stay at home with a focus to move out, and work on the learning to drive in the interim. Joining Meetup.com is another great option, and as scary as it seems putting yourself into social situations that you're not used to will push you out of your comfort zone.

You are 25. You have the world at your feet. However I strongly feel that in order to move forward you need to work on where you are self-esteem wise, because you are so self-depreciating I would imagine you can't see the wood through the trees. You need self-love first.

GingerLily

OP, some of this advice might sound harsh - but it's because if you want to move forward withyour life you have to take responsibility for your situation.

It doesn't sound like you have had an easy ride, but that doesn't matter, you need to take action if you want results.

You can't change other people, you can't change the past, but you can change your future and you have a lot of potential IF you make positive changes, like what have been recommended on here already.

Good luck

.......

This post has been deleted.

Bambi985

OP, I mean this with respect and it might give you something to think about. I found your post jarring and infuriating to read. It's just a wall of negativity with "I can't" and "I won't" and "I wasn't allowed" on every turn. That kind of negativity is draining, exhausting and depressing to be around so it's not going to win you any favours in terms of turning your life around and finding a bit of independence and happiness.

You are 25 years old and an adult, not being "allowed" to do anything is not an excuse anymore. I funded my own driving lessons at 24 years old by working my back off in a job and what anyone said about my driving skills mattered feck all to me, it just didn't factor at all. Why would it? Can't get a job in your home town? Then leave, quite simply. Get that loan from your mother or from the credit union or whatever, get on daft.ie, move to the nearest city and get a job in a corner shop or a restaurant or whatever you can to get on your feet. That bit of independence will do you the world of good and make you realise there's life outside the four walls of your family home.

I fought like cats and dogs with my siblings growing up and had to support myself through a hell of a lot due to an unwell older sister and demanding younger sibling. I got on with it, it made me my own person, I love my family and accept that it's just the way the cookie crumbles sometimes. You seem to be dwelling on the past excessively and that's written some kind of script in your head where everyone hates you, or can't tolerate you, whether it's the college professor or the people you met at college events or whatever. The reality is that most people are too busy with their own stuff to give those around them more than a second thought and probably simply didn't notice you because you were quiet, or had their own social circles, or any number of other things. You're projecting all over the shop here. Sometimes it's easier to do that and to feel defeated and create excuses for yourself than it is to challenge yourself, step outside of your comfort zone and say "this isn't going to be easy but things won't change unless I give it a try".

Your life is your responsibility and only yours. There are so many positives to your situation if you'd learn to think about life in a different light - you're so young at 25, you have a degree, a supportive family, the world at your feet. You're even getting useful interview feedback, which most of us don't get - use it and develop your interviewing skills to become the kind of candidate a company would want. Counsellor didn't fit? You've got internet access don't you - find another one. Sister and brother being negative? Move out. Didn't have a non-stop party life during your college years? Welcome to reality, most of us don't. Still a "virgin" at 25? Count yourself lucky to have missed out on years of mediocre sex with men you have nothing in common with. Get fit and get on the dating apps so you can see exactly what you're "missing" (lol)

Honestly, here's an exercise for you. Copy and paste your post and underline every negative word you see including "can't" and "won't" and "didn't work" and "hate"...you'll be astounded. It's just relentless and I can guarantee if you don't target the negative mindset as a first port of call absolutely nothing will change.

qwerty13

It’s not quite how I might have put it, but Bambi is right. You’re caught in a very negative cycle, where you’re blaming everyone else for your unhappiness. But you are allowing this to happen to yourself. You need to take control and do something for yourself- not just moan about your life.

I have every sympathy re how you feel, but to be blunt, you are expecting too much from others, and very little effort from yourself. Nothing is going to change unless you change something!

I think you need to re-examine some of your flash-points of anguish. Your mother was right to try to get you to finish your degree. She was right not to fund a year of you sitting around self-indulgently ‘thinking’. She was trying to make to cop on to the real adult world.

You can’t expect your mother to fund your gap year type indulgences. Get a minimum paid job if you have to. Cycle to it. Get some independence. Behave like an independent adult! You’re currently just fulfilling your own and your mother’s worst expectations: that you’re doing to be a dependent adult for ever. You need to make changes, and stop blaming everyone around you for your unhappiness with your life.

NinetyTwoTeam

Wow OP must be so glad to have gotten all this advice from all these people who obviously had it all figured out at age 25 and who all 'pulled themselves up by their bootstraps' and never got any help from their parents.

It's very difficult circumstances when you're in a crap country area with no work, no car and trying to save on the social is difficult.

i would try and find the most achievable goal which will improve your life and focus on that.

Take the loan from your mother and go somewhere else if that's an option. Never mind your cow of a sister. Plenty of people borrow from their parents in their 20's. Sure didn't our Taoiseach just say we should all be able to get enough for a house deposit off our parents?

This way you'll be away from the family negativity and can start fresh.

Ursus Horribilis

Would buying a moped (with loan from your mum?) be another option if you're not in a position to rent. It's not as good as a car of course but it'd give you mobility.

shesty

NinetyTwoTeam wrote: »

Wow OP must be so glad to have gotten all this advice from all these people who obviously had it all figured out at age 25 and who all 'pulled themselves up by their bootstraps' and never got any help from their parents.

It's very difficult circumstances when you're in a crap country area with no work, no car and trying to save on the social is difficult.

i would try and find the most achievable goal which will improve your life and focus on that.

Take the loan from your mother and go somewhere else if that's an option. Never mind your cow of a sister. Plenty of people borrow from their parents in their 20's. Sure didn't our Taoiseach just say we should all be able to get enough for a house deposit off our parents?

This way you'll be away from the family negativity and can start fresh.

Nobody had it all figured out at 25, but you would like to think that most of us didn't go around saying we weren't allowed to do things, or we couldn't do something because our siblings passed remarks on it.

I think we all appreciate that the OP is in a difficult situation but when you get down to 'I wasn't allowed' to do something as the reason for many things at that age, you start to wonder what exactly the OP is looking for.If I didn't do something everytime a sibling passed comment on it, I'd have done nothing.And getting tied up in knots about a 2:2 degree because they couldn't do any better because they couldn't study properly because their lecturer didn't like them....some perspective is needed there.

It was drummed into me all along that 'nobody will keep you"(as in pay for your life and hand you everything on a plate) and I'm afraid the OP is at that pointThey have a degree and a possibility to get a parental loan.I'd be saying take that loan, go grab your life with both hands and take control.It's no business of your sibling's and you should not be letting their remarks affect decisions like that.You have to do something, or nothing will change, so go take the opportunity.

Plopsu

OP you seem completely overwhelmed by life. Work out what you want and then list what you need to get it. What you will then have is an action plan. Decide what you're willing to compromise to advance. For example, if you need a job, are you willing to work in an unpaid role to obtain experience (which may seem like a waste but looks much better to a potential employer if you have any job than no job)?
There is some very good advice in the replies you've recieved. It may seem harshly delivered but I think that's mostly down to people's frustration with the self-defeat that comes accross in the OP.
Taking ownership of your problems is the first step to solving them.

LegacyUser

Hey OP

Just to echo a lot of others in that the self-pity and external blaming going on here is pretty far-reaching. We all do it from time to time but I would urge you to read over what you wrote with that in mind.

I’m sure there are elements of things that are not within your control where other people had maybe too much influence over what happened but by and large you are the only person who can take control of your life and if you dont change what you’re doing you will keep getting what you’re getting.

25 is very young. Your life hasn’t “turned out” yet. Be patient.

I think when you stop giving so much energy to blaming people for things that have happened in the past you will free up a lot of headspace to put that energy in to figuring out a future free of “I’m not allowed, I can’t and I couldn’t”

You’re holding yourself back with your attitude. Focus on being positive and happy “fake it till you make it”

No one wants to be around people who are negative and beaten down, it’s draining. I think you should do some research on gratitude, it looks like you have been given a lot of opportunities but rather than make the most of these you’ve made a half-assed effort and then blamed whatever person you can for when it went wrong.

That’s what teenagers do, you’re 25.

Also, i assume there is a family car? Can you get your Mum or siblings to maybe go to a car park or somewhere isolated with you do you can practice the basics of driving and see if you fare better this time around and if it’s worth investing in lessons?

LolaJJ

Hey OP,

First off, you are only 25 so your life hasn't "turned out" yet.

I won't bother reverberating what other posters have said about the blaming in your post - but I strongly agree with them. I was exhausted reading your post!

It's just a cycle you are trapped in that's feeding itself. Victim, Blame, Failure, Blame, etc etc

And, if you keep doing what you're doing; you'll keep getting what you're getting.

It sounds like you are over-thinking everything to do with your past and who is at fault for all of the things that haven't worked out magically. I can tell you now that plenty more stuff won't work out the way you want to in your life and at some stage you're going to have to point that finger at yourself. I can understand if this had been written by a teenager but blaming your family for everything at 25 is crazy and will start to sound even more ridiculous as you edge closer to 30.

Tzar Chasm

OP on the subject of a 2.2,
I'm 7 (or 22 years depending on who you ask) Years into a 3 year degree WHEN I get a pass next year I will be ecstatic, possibly bounce all the way home, a 2.2 seems unfeasibly ambitious to me, so theres always someone worse.

Seek the positive

What do you call the guy who Graduated bottom of his class in Medical School?














Doctor

Tzar Chasm

OP on the subject of a 2.2,
I'm 7 (or 22 years depending on who you ask) Years into a 3 year degree WHEN I get a pass next year I will be ecstatic, possibly bounce all the way home, a 2.2 seems unfeasibly ambitious to me, so theres always someone worse.

Seek the positive

What do you call the guy who Graduated bottom of his class in Medical School?














Doctor

Foxhound38

Sorry to hear about your predicament OP. It's never nice when you're stuck in a rut and the people around you aren't supportive. I am convinced that with enough willpower your life will get betterk, and that the best thing you can do for yourself (and from your post you seem to recognize this) is dealing with the job front. Working changes everything for the better - often you will meet friends in work situations, having to work to a set shcedule will keep you motivated and is great for mental health, and earning your own money will give you options in life, help your self esteem and most importantly give you full control over your own destiny - you won't have to ask anyone's permission to do anything or go anywhere, you'll be your own woman. The first time you start to make enough money from working to give you options is an incredibly exciting time in anyone's life.

In terms of interviews, as a former recruiter myself all I can say is that it's a skill like any other. Some lucky ones are naturally better at it than others like anything in life, but the basics can be learned by and improved by anyone. I would suggest getting in touch with a recruitment agency that works in your area of expertise - there are so many around at the moment that you're bound to find one or two that specializes in your area. They work on behalf of hiring companies to find people with specific skills, education or experience. Recruiters are paid by these companies so they are completely free of charge for a jobseeker to use (although it's worth baring in mind at all times that they work for the companies, not the jobseeker) and recruiters would be trained in interview techniques that they can drill you on and give you a few practice sessions before the real thing.If you need to get some experience in your area first many of these agencies also supply temporary workers to those companies to fill contingencies, so it's a good way to get your foot in the door to the area you want to work in.

And don't mind what anyone says in terms of snide commentary. Most people find in years to come that what others think of you means very little in the grand scheme of things - it's very freeing when you just no longer care about it - and the ironic thing is that the extra confidence it gives you will invite less of that sort of commentary. Of course that's very easy to say from the outside I know, but it will happen. In the meantime, try to limit the amount of brainspace you spend on people who do you down. I know you can't pick your family, but you can decide to stop listening to negativity - when your brother makes a remark, try not to give him the satisfaction of a reaction or a fight or a back and forth about it. Just say in the most neutral tone you can (it's important to not sound or look angry or upset here) something along the lines of "I'm sorry you feel that way" and then either talk to someone else or go do something else until he's going to treat you with respect again. At the very least, your refusal to engage may make him introspect on the way he talks to you.

And don't worry about not having it all figured out at 25. That is still very young and you have your whole life ahead of you. I wish you the best of luck with it, OP!

LegacyUser

Hi everyone, it's OP here. Thought I'd post again about what happened.

I took in everyone's opinions, but also had a thought over about the whole thing about myself for the past few days.

The thing is I tend to get very anxious/scared/depressed over certain situations I feel I have/had no control over, and as a result I get angry and want to rant online like I just did a few days ago.

Now that I have had time to re-adjust, I do regret posting it now and blaming other people for what has happened. Even though I still believe a negative environment can effect someone mood, productivity, life overall,
I do think I am just angry at myself too, how I cannot brush off negative remarks and just work at something for myself. Instead I believe it when someone calls me dumb/cannot do anything, and as a result I don't try/push myself and become bitter instead.

I do regret blaming people like my mam, since compared to everyone else, she has put in the support and took interest in my decisions after school, even if she didn't really feel the decisions I make were the right ones. That's better than just outright saying "No" and making me stay home and take some job I dislike straight out of school.

I will say this though: I never once wanted to be a dependent adult. But when you are considered the "weak" one growing up, your decisions are made for you. Your opinion in situations didn't really matter, and you were stopped from doing things that could have been too difficult (ex. driving). As a result, you don't feel like an adult and any decision you make, you feel you have to ask a parent for their blessing, or something to that effect. It becomes normal to ask for support financially, emotionally, in every aspect of adult life, because you weren't given the tools to support yourself as an adult.

It is obviously something I will work on for myself. But I just wanted to tell my experience for what it was. You may get angry over it, but that was just how the whole situation came to be growing up.


So now, I think I will just take time to think things over and see about taking first step out of this rut.


Thanks again everyone. x

Big Bag of Chips

OP, that is a really insightful and positive post. You might not feel like it but even since you originally posted you have made progress. You are dead right, how you are treated as you grow up, and especially in your teenage/early adult years definitely shapes how you behave in later years. And as you admit, growing up you were the less confident one, the less sure one, the one that was given extra "minding". And when that becomes a habit it becomes difficult to shake off. And if you've never been given the freedom to make choices/branch out then it can feel like you don't have that freedom. The problem is that even though you are now an adult, you are still your mother's child! So the responsibility is on you to make that transition. Your sister and her opinion of you is irrelevant. Your life and your choices will have absolutely no affect on her life whatsoever. Now - if she's always had an opinion on you, then that will not change but what can change is you giving so much weight to her opinion. She will go on and live her life as she sees fit regardless of what you do/don't do/think. So you need to take that same position and do what you want to do regardless of what she thinks.

Your mam is the only one whose opinion you should value - and even at that you can value it and listen to it, but you don't have to accept it. This is your life and you need to take control of it. Start with baby steps. Think of one thing you want to achieve say before the end of May, and work toward that. Be that getting interview help, booking your first driving lesson, or even sitting down and discussing with your mam what you want to achieve and how you can go about it.

Your last post demonstrates that you're not as hopeless/helpless as you are allowing yourself to believe. Good luck - changes don't have to be huge. Small changes are still changes.

carrollsno1

Join Macra, best thing i ever done. Theres a big mix of people from every background in it, its not just for farmers you know. Id be seen as an odd f#cker and an outcast in my home county as id have no interest in GAA and id be a farming nut but through Macra ive met so many people from every corner of the country similar to myself, membership is €35 and if it was €100 id still pay it as it would be worth every cent, but remember you only get out of it what you put i to it.

Malayalam

I did think you sounded anxious and depressed rather than complaining. When one is down it is very hard to see the bright side of things, or to express oneself in a balanced way. You are probably quite down, and it has become habitual, and one of the very best things you could do for that is exercise. Walk loads or run. You have the time. Join a walking group or mountaineering, something like that, while you save up a few bob...

to do...

workaway (Or something similar...there are lots of things you can do to get out of a rut.)

I think you need a total change of scene, a complete break from the past. My ones have traveled loads doing things like workaway. All it takes is the cost of a cheap air fare to a place with good recommendations and then take it from there...

https://www.workaway.info/

Best of luck.

LegacyUser

When I was 25 I was unemployed, living in a rural county with my parents,fell out with my entire group of university friends, losing my Hair from stress and told I might never be able to have children. I got a job in a big town, joined a tag rugby team and forced myself back out there. I’m now 30, I am married to a wonderful man, I have a good job and a lovely house we bought together. I still have my health issues but I have come a long way and you can too. Life is not perfect and is never going to be. You have to just soilder on and try your best.

dellas1979

I do think youre quite lucky in some ways to have realised all this at 25!

OP, I come from 3 other siblings. Am lucky no. 3. I was always the "grand" one. "Shur shes grand". Talk about middle child! I was barely noticed. I was the peacekeeper. The soft one. The one who never spoke. The sensitive one. The one with no voice. "She's grand". Well, I wasnt grand and had forgotton who I was. Was too busy trying to fulfill who people thought I was. I was a nervous wreck like. And I decided to change how I saw myself.

Where we see ourselves in our family, is where we see ourselves in the world. But, that can change. You can change how you see yourself. When you change how you see yourself, other's will see that too.

I think you need help in building up that support.

You also need to do what you think is right, for you. Not for anyone else. And if anyone has anything to say, Id remind them to focus on their own life.

Bambi985

I think what Dellas posted is very true. I also think it emphasises why gaining your own independence, moving out and claiming your own life separate from your family life is crucial.

Listen, I love my family dearly but honestly I'd survive about 2 weeks in the family home before needing to bolt and get back to my own life again. I was/am also the "peacekeeping" one, the benign middle child, the only one my parents never needed to worry about because my other siblings are so needy and high maintenance and that means getting undermined or talked over at Christmas dinner, or just general bickering because I don't relate to the drama queen carry-on of some other family members.

I've lived away from home for almost half my life now and the things I've become in that time have defined who I am AWAY from this perception of "quiet middle child". I run marathons, manage my own team, travel the world, hold presentations in front of hundreds of people - those are the things that inform me of my self-worth to the point where my little sister having a go would yield nothing more than an eye-roll in me.

When you move out and things start happening for you, you'll see how much weight you were investing in this family dynamic and how that held you back unnecessarily. But you need to move out and get moving in order to get there. See the self-imposed shackles for what they are and to be blunt, don't give in to your own bullsh1t. I'll talk myself out of anything if I give myself half the chance - so I simply don't. When the negative thoughts start, I will literally self-talk with "ah shut the fcuk up Bambi, get over yourself and get out there" and I'm always happy when I listen to that voice rather than the 20 negative other ones.