Ex is now working with me, should I quit?

LegacyUser

My ex fiancee has been working with me for the last three months, her being around has brought all sorts of feelings to the surface again and i am wondering should i just quit my job.

We were together 8 years and broke up in 2012, she ended it as she felt that she just didn't love me enough to go through with the marriage. I was devastated and it did take me a long time to heal. Other than after the breakup there was no contact until September of this year when she phoned me to say she was taking a job in the company I work for. I was shocked i have to say as I just felt why would she do it, when we spoke I assured her however that I would never do anything to make the situation more awkward than it would be for either of us.

It is a small enough office and we see each other every day, at first it was reasonably okay but then we fell into a situation of texting a lot, talking on the phone and meeting up. The more this went on the more confused I was about my feelings for her. Last week I explained this to her and she responded by saying that she really just saw us as totally comfortable with each other now and that it was natural for us to be in contact like that and that she didn't really understand why I was finding this awkward. I told her that in my eyes it wasn't, that we were basically on a relationship setting in terms of our contact but at the same time not having a relationship. Since then the contact has decreased to practically zero which I'm comfortable with but the relationship in work then is more distant and strained.

I have been in the company for 14 years and have always felt totally comfortable, now I just don't and am actually dreading going to work. I would appreciate any advice. I don't want to give up the job, have great friends there but am just not happy at the moment.

banoffe2

See it as a challenge OP, give it time, you like your job and your workplace, quitting not the solution here, it will get easier and you will get stronger, best of luck, I've been in a similar situation myself, its very dooable, if you believe you can do it you will succeed!

Tigger99

She didn't really understand why you find it awkward? Jesus Christ she sounds like an incredibly insensitive person to say the least.

What a selfish move to get a job in your place. Look all you can do is end the messages and non work contact. You aren't comfortable with her there. Be civil in work but that's it.

I broke up with my fiancée years ago and out of respect for him I've never been in touch. Getting a job in his place would have completely rubbed salt in the wound. If anything I hope you realise she's not the person for you from her behaviour now.

osarusan

She might feel comfortable with that level of interaction, but you don't and she should respect that.

Don't behave in a way that is unprofessional, but don't go beyond what is professional either. As best you can, treat her as you would any other coworker who isn't a friend.

Tokyo

anon3000 wrote: »

there was no contact until September of this year when she phoned me to say she was taking a job in the company I work for.... ....when we spoke I assured her however that I would never do anything to make the situation more awkward than it would be for either of us.

Sorry OP, but I actually disagree with some of the above replies. She gave you a heads-up that she would be working at your company, and you assured her that it wouldn't be a problem.

Since then, you both blurred the lines of the relationship - you interpreted it as a step back into what you used to have, she was likely ignoring the warning signs, or just hoping that you didn't see this as more than friendship.

Like it or not, her response is appropriate - she cut off the personal contact, and is keeping it work-related only. Now it's up to you to see if you can do the same. If you can, then great. However, if not, then you really do need to assess whether your job is worth the impact on your happiness, and explore options in terms of moving to another department, or job.

Ursus Horribilis

I still think she was in the wrong to have taken the job but that's all water under the bridge now. I'd consider quitting the job to be a last resort though. It's not that long since you had that conversation so it's bound to be raw still. It also seems to suggest that you're not properly over her, despite being broken up for over 5 years. Have you not had any girlfriends in the years since? Are you still carrying some sort of torch for her?

tara73

OP, I would have been kind of furious learning she took a job in your company. were there no other jobs for her to take on?

TBH, from your writings I think she's testing you and knows you still have feelings for her and is using you for an ego boost.

I would not quit the job. Be professional if you have to encounter her, but cut all other contact like texting or even talking to her in breaks or whenever. Avoid her, the sooner she gets it the better.

Don't give her power over yourself. stay in power.

LegacyUser

Op here,

Thanks to everyone for the replies.

Been thinking about it a lot over the weekend and think it would be wrong of me to give up my job.
Just to answer a couple of questions raised, yes I did tell her I wouldn't make life any more difficult or awkward for her when she contacted me but I did make clear that I didn't think it was a good idea and that I wasn't comfortable with it. To be honest when she rang me I was so surprised with the news that I was in a bit of a daze. At the same time I did feel I had no right to tell her not to take the job and I didn't want any sort of confrontation

I have dated other people since, have had two relationships but am currently single. I had fully dealt with things and had moved on but I have to admit yes when we were in so much contact over the last few months I did have doubts yes and began to question whether I really still had feelings for her. I genuinely don't want to think that she has been deliberately manipulating me but I do feel she has been inviting attention from me and maybe that is just an ego boost.

I am now totally clear that she is not the right person for me, the fact that she genuinely doesn't seem to see that this has been hard for me has made clear to me that she just isn't right for me. I do feel silly that I allowed myself to start having feelings again for someone who hurt me so badly and seems so insensitive to my feelings now.

Again. thanks everyone for the replies.

gargargar

mike_ie wrote: »

Like it or not, her response is appropriate - she cut off the personal contact, and is keeping it work-related only. Now it's up to you to see if you can do the same. If you can, then great. However, if not, then you really do need to assess whether your job is worth the impact on your happiness, and explore options in terms of moving to another department, or job.

I wouldn't be giving her much credit for her behaviour. When someone breaks up with you, especially in such a long relationship, it can leave scars for a long time. It was completely inappropriate for his ex to take a job in the same company. I would be furious if they did that.

uck51js9zml2yt

gargargar wrote: »

I wouldn't be giving her much credit for her behaviour. When someone breaks up with you, especially in such a long relationship, it can leave scars for a long time. It was completely inappropriate for his ex to take a job in the same company. I would be furious if they did that.

They broke up 5 years ago. Is she to put her life on hold forever and keep track of where her exes are forever?

Ursus Horribilis

He was working there for years by the time the break-up happened. She obviously knew he was still there if she rang beforehand. Was there really nowhere else she could have gone to work? I don't know about anyone else but I'd rather not work alongside any of my exes.

suicide_circus

Absolute a**hole move getting a job in the place where your former fiancee whose heart you broke works. It's the act of an inconsiderate and even cruel person so you dodged a bullet by not marrying her.

gargargar

Dominic Faint Eyeliner wrote: »

They broke up 5 years ago. Is she to put her life on hold forever and keep track of where her exes are forever?

No she should not keep her life on hold. Likewise she should stay out of the life of the person she broke up with.

They were together 8 years and he is working there 14 years, so I don't think there is much 'keeping track' involved. There are many places to work she has reintroduced herself back into his life by taking a job in the place he works.

kylith

All the people asking if she couldn't have found somewhere else to work: have ye tried getting a job recently. It could well be the case that either she took this job or she stayed on the dole. If it's a choice between things being a bit awkward and not being able to support yourself what would you do?

Where she was out of line was trying to have any kind of relationship with the OP. He has told her that he is uncomfortable, she has pulled back. It's now time for the OP to work out whether he can live with that or not.

sbsquarepants

OP - it's kind of a shítty situation to say the least, but life goes on. It's been 5 years and the girl has bills to pay I'm sure. I personally wouldn't let the fact that my ex worked somewhere put me off taking a decent job with them, I'd expect the ex to just be professional and get on with things.

If I was you I wouldn't go quitting, I wouldn't go out of my way to be nice or to be mean, I'd just accept the fact that my ex now worked with me and I'd get on with things.

osarusan

I don't think she can really be criticised for taking a job where he works, unless she deliberately chose there (ahead of other options) purely to upset him or something. In some jobs, choice of workplace is pretty limited.

It may just be the case that she is now completely comfortable with him as a friend, and the contact with him was no issue for her, but once he made it clear that he wasn't comfortable with the level/nature of contact, it seems to have dried up. Having done the breaking up, she should probably have had a bit more cop on regarding getting into that kind of contact with him again though.

It's an unfortunate situation for him, but where the situation is now is pretty much the best he could hope for.

As an aside, they broke up in 2012 and had been together for 8 years, which is the 14 years the OP has been at his job...any chance she worked there before herself?

LolaJJ

I'm completely shocked that people think it was OK for her to take this job.

Unless her line of work is so incredibly specialised there's only a handful of places she could go...then NO, it's just wrong.

When you make a decision to de-rail someones life by ending an engagement you have to take all of the responsibility that goes with that. Leave the person alone, let them go, don't get a job where they work a few years later when they have actually moved on.

Total *dick move.

OP, I would just try and program your brain to see her as any other work colleague. Remind yourself that you're not compatible and you had a lucky escape, pass her when you need to and try shut down the emotional side of your brain that's affecting you day-to-day.

If you genuinely believe that there is no connection anymore and she's not the right person for you, this should be a lot easier

LegacyUser

LolaJJ wrote: »

When you make a decision to de-rail someones life by ending an engagement you have to take all of the responsibility that goes with that. Leave the person alone, let them go, don't get a job where they work a few years later when they have actually moved on.

She cut off all contact with him so clearly didn't know how the break up had effected him so badly. She had wrongly assumed he was in the same place as her and that after so many years the wound wasn't as raw. As we have no background on the type of work and what her work situation was before taking this job it's hard to judge if she was wrong to take the job. It could be that they work in a small industry or that her only option for advancement was with the company they are now working for or she was unemployed and this was her only option. It sounds like she got over the breakup and assumed the OP had and when he pointed out to her he hadn't she pulled back from making uncomfortable but other than one of them leaving the company they are going to have to just be professional and keep personal history out of work.

LegacyUser

Op here again,

We hadn't worked together previously, we did start going out not long after I started in the job. I really want to make clear i don't dislike this woman in any way. I just fell it would be so much easier if she hadn't taken the job. She did have a job, taking the job with us did mean a slight promotion and pay increase but nothing major. I don't begrudge her the opportunity in any way I just don't fully understand the mindset though in taking the job and not expecting it to be awkward.

We did maintain contact in the weeks after the breakup so she was aware of how much it impacted on me at the time. When she took the job I assumed we would be work colleagues and no more, that we would be professional and get on in work. i have to assume responsibility as much as her for that not being the case and the lines becoming blurred as a previous poster said.

I do feel the level and nature of contact though was something that invited me to feel there was more at play than just work colleagues , lets just say that if the type of contact had been with anyone else I would have assumed 100% that this was somebody who was open to the idea of a relationship and something happening. The type of messaging was inviting a definite interest in her personal life. Last night she text me to ask was i okay with her seeing as we hadn't spoken over the last couple of days and did i have a good weekend. I felt this was totally unfair after the talk we had last week.

As I said to a certain degree although i don't like it i can understand her taking the job, I really just don't get the nature and level of contact from someone who just sees her a s comfortable when i have already made clear to her that the contact since she started has made me question my feelings.

tara73

what you write here in your last post all confirms she's using you for an ego boost and manipulating you in the highest order.

You seem like a very nice person. But sometimes one can be too nice and that's what's happening here. you are too nice in all this, all this understanding from your side is totally off.
set your boundaries and talk tacheles with her, she should stop contacting you.

listermint

kylith wrote: »

All the people asking if she couldn't have found somewhere else to work: have ye tried getting a job recently. It could well be the case that either she took this job or she stayed on the dole. If it's a choice between things being a bit awkward and not being able to support yourself what would you do?

Where she was out of line was trying to have any kind of relationship with the OP. He has told her that he is uncomfortable, she has pulled back. It's now time for the OP to work out whether he can live with that or not.

Let's put a pause on this point, there are jobs a plenty or there right now for anyone who is seriously looking.

There is a reason why traffic is so mental anywhere and everywhere. Unemployment is extremely low despite what you hear on the comments section of the journal

gargargar

I'd hazard a guess that people who think her actions are ok have never had never a bad break up.

osarusan

anon3000 wrote: »

Last night she text me to ask was i okay with her seeing as we hadn't spoken over the last couple of days and did i have a good weekend. I felt this was totally unfair after the talk we had last week.


As I said to a certain degree although i don't like it i can understand her taking the job, I really just don't get the nature and level of contact from someone who just sees her a s comfortable when i have already made clear to her that the contact since she started has made me question my feelings.

I agree with you here - she needs to back off and not really initiate any contact at all beyond what is professional at work.

At this stage, after the talk you have had, and just by sensing stuff from your behaviour, she must be quite aware that the situation is uncomfortable for you, even if it is not for her. She might want to keep up a level of contact that goes beyond professional and into personal, but you have made it clear that you don't, and she needs to respect that.

groovyg

anon3000 wrote: »

Op here again,

I Last night she text me to ask was i okay with her seeing as we hadn't spoken over the last couple of days and did i have a good weekend. I felt this was totally unfair after the talk we had last week.

Ah here thats taking the piss. What a head melter. I hope you didn't reply -keep things strictly work related - she should eventually get the message.

kylith

listermint wrote: »

Let's put a pause on this point, there are jobs a plenty or there right now for anyone who is seriously looking.

There is a reason why traffic is so mental anywhere and everywhere. Unemployment is extremely low despite what you hear on the comments section of the journal

That depends on the industry.

There may be plenty of jobs out there, but there's no shortage of people looking for them

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spaceHopper

....... wrote: »

This post has been deleted.

Was thinking the same, don't say anything in a text which you wouldn't mind been shown to HR or your Boss. You could tell her that given your past before she joined the company you feel it's best that you don't mix your personal and professional lives. And that you hope she doesn't mid or is offended.

tara73

....... wrote: »

This post has been deleted.

I thought about that too. In what kind of position/hirarchy is she to you? But I would guess she's in no way a senior to you after 14 years you work there?

But still, she sounds like this type of a bully. if you're not playing along like she wants, she might get nasty, could spread things about you to colleagues and the likes... maybe it's not on at the moment, but if things get more nasty, definately tell the story to HR before she damages your reputation first.

banoffe2

you sound like a proper gent OP, some people get high on the ability to play with another persons mind, work hard on focusing in on your own behaviour and out of hers, difficult as it is, it will help you to heal and grow.

There is a great confidence and satisfaction in not giving the power away to another person to manipulate us or otherwise, every time you succeed give yourself a clap on the back!

As other posters have said, keep the relationship strictly professional and set the boundaries for yourself, in my opinion I wouldn't respond to any texts of a non professional nature as she is getting the desired response in your reaction, your thoughts and your time, above all keep the power from within, and never let her know how you are thinking or feeling, keep reaching out, you are doing great!

sbsquarepants

listermint wrote: »

Let's put a pause on this point, there are jobs a plenty or there right now for anyone who is seriously looking.

There is a reason why traffic is so mental anywhere and everywhere. Unemployment is extremely low despite what you hear on the comments section of the journal

All jobs are not created equal. Would you turn down a nice pay rise or a better job just to keep your ex of 5 years happy?

I know I certainly wouldn't.

tara73 wrote: »

But still, she sounds like this type of a bully. if you're not playing along like she wants, she might get nasty, could spread things about you to colleagues and the likes... maybe it's not on at the moment, but if things get more nasty, definately tell the story to HR before she damages your reputation first.

I honestly don't get this at all. She was engaged to this guy, she didn't want to marry him, she told him as much and they split up. Shít happens. Now, many years later, she finds herself working with him and is trying to be friendly - what exactly has this girl done wrong?


OP to be quite blunt you need to take a leaf from this girls book - look out for number 1. She owes you nothing, don't expect her to put your needs and feelings ahead of her own. This job is a step up for her you said, why shouldn't she take it? It's been 5 years, it's time to move on!

osarusan

sbsquarepants wrote: »

I honestly don't get this at all. She was engaged to this guy, she didn't want to marry him, she told him as much and they split up. Shhappens. Now, many years later, she finds herself working with him and is trying to be friendly - what exactly has this girl done wrong?

About the job I agree, but if the OP is depicting things accurately, he has already told her that he isn't comfortable with the extent/nature of the personal communication and wants it to stop, but she is still sending messages.

She should stop that kind of communication. To say that she 'is trying to be friendly' misses the point in that he seems to have made it clear that he isn't comfortable with her attempts to be friendly.

sbsquarepants

osarusan wrote: »

She should stop that kind of communication. To say that she 'is trying to be friendly' misses the point in that he seems to have made it clear that he isn't comfortable with her attempts to be friendly.

I think she's damned if she does, damned if she doesn't.

He asked her to stop, she stopped. Things seemed strained and distant he said, she texted to ask if was ok and did he have a good weekend - it's hardly harassment now is it. If anything she seems concerned about his well being, she probably feels a bit guilty or sorry for him or whatever.

You can't have it both ways - if you don't want to be friends with her, then don't. But don't then complain that the relationship is strained and distant.

If you don't want anything to do with her, tell her as much, nobody is forcing you to have these conversations with her. Just say, "I don't really see us as being friends, no hard feelings, all the best" and then just treat her like anyone else you work with.

You say you've moved on OP but it really doesn't look like that. For your own sake and future happiness, you'll have to toughen up a bit I think.

osarusan

sbsquarepants wrote: »

If you don't want anything to do with her, tell her as much, nobody is forcing you to have these conversations with her. Just say, "I don't really see us as being friends, no hard feelings, all the best" and then just treat her like anyone else you work with.

The impression I get is that he has already told her that (and more, explained how the contact makes him feel), but messages still come.

Maybe she is showing concern or whatever, but after being told that he doesn't want the communication, it should stop, simple as that. Even if it is genuine concern, it should stop.

stargazer 68

Messages and calls are on his mobile- from what I can make out. So block her number. She doesn't need your number for work OP so cut her off. If she approaches you at work be polite and work related only. You have to take some kind of step or you will go around in circles.

Neyite

The only reason you are texting each other is because you both have history. You aren't friends either so that's why the texting also feels weird.

So, treat it like you would any other new employee joining the company. Be pleasant and civil during the tea break, and during work interactions, keep any communication to work related stuff or inane chit chat about the weather/ traffic/ local news and nothing else.

Don't reply to the last message either.

LegacyUser

OP here,

Really would like to say thank you to all people who have commented here and for all points of view. Bottom line is yes I need to approach this from a different point of view and cut out all unnecessary contact. I have to be honest with myself and say I do still have feelings for her, in that I do care for deeply for her even though I am now 100% sure that getting back into a relationship is not what i want and would not be good for me. I think this is natural, we were together for 8 years and through a time of our lives when major life issues had to be dealt with for both of us.

However i do now fully see that it is crucial for me to make clear that even though i do care for her the level and nature of our contact is not appropriate for me and is impacting on my well being, i genuinely thought i had last week but it doesn't seem to have worked. I had a text today wondering if we should do a bite to eat at the weekend!!

I appreciate all points of view here as I have said but I do feel I have to say to those who maybe feel I should toughen up a little bit that genuinely I do hope you never find yourself in a similar situation. Generally when a long term relationship breaks up at engagement level both people move on to very separate lives and I feel that has now been taken away from me.

I loved this woman with all my heart when we were together, she broke my heart, I recovered from that I fully did despite what some here might believe. I moved on with my life, she was an afterthought, as the song goes " somebody that I used to know". However when that somebody is suddenly back in your life on a daily basis, acting like your best friend and inviting you to take an interest in her family and personal life again it is a very hard situation to deal with. Maybe as a man I'm not supposed to admit this but i do actually have emotions, all the thoughts of what I lost when we broke up did come back after a while of contact, i did doubt my feelings and i did allow myself to fall in to the pattern of contact and wondering could we make it work again. I was weak in that sense I admit but that is something I am dealing with.

Again, thanks everybody.

sbsquarepants

anon3000 wrote: »

I appreciate all points of view here as I have said but I do feel I have to say to those who maybe feel I should toughen up a little bit that genuinely I do hope you never find yourself in a similar situation. .

I've been in similarish situation - thankfully it didn't extend as far as working together, but I'm not just being flippant with you - toughening up a bit will definitely help!

Anyhow, you seem to have your head screwed on about the whole situation, you know what you want and how to go about achieving it. Best of luck!

Tigger99

anon3000 wrote: »

I was weak in that sense I admit but that is something I am dealing with.

Weak? Nope just being human. I can't believe she suggested meeting at the weekend after your conversation with her.

Do block her texts and messages as she's not getting the message and boundaries need to be created.

NinetyTwoTeam

I would do everything in my power to get her fired. Not joking.

Sam Quentin

I think there is a chance she still has feelings for you!?
Also I think, I mean I KNOW you still love her..
So if you do play it cool..... Then I think there is a chance you will get back together.