Dumped for sexting...

carricklad

Hi all

Bit of a confessions style thing here, not sure why I'm writing this, maybe because I need someone to talk to, to get this off my chest, bit of advice on how to proceed, whatever...

First off I'll say that I struggle to make friends in the conventional sense, I live in the city, have done since I moved here four years ago for work but I don't have any friends here, well there's colleagues at the office and my live-in-landlord who is friendly, but I guess a purely commercial relationship exists - but there's nobody I can go out for a pint with, if you know what I mean.

So I'm limited to socialising online and in the virtual world so to speak. I have this chat app, and some people I know from my travels from years back are on there, plus other friends who they introduced me to are there, we chat occasionally, strictly platonic, nothing sexual.

I have (or had) a girlfriend, she lives a long way away and we meet at weekends every two weeks or shorter - sometimes I get a week or so working from home and I can stay at her place, the rest of the time we Skype or chat through this same chat app. We were closer (met through online dating) but she moved away to study. We were together more than three and a half years.

So, about 18 months ago, a stranger on the other side of the world added me to this chat app, and being bored and intrigued, I accepted her request to chat and then we talked about nothing in particular. Then she disappears and I forget all about her. Six months later she turns up out of the blue and messages me again, asks if I'm single, I said I was . Then she disappears again for six months (about six months ago) and says hi again. Then she turned the conversation to sex and we sexted and exchanged pics . She asked me to play back a pre-recorded video of me having sex, but I showed her some random amateur couples video off the internet instead...

Pretty damning, I'm sure you'll agree.

Last week (17/01) my girlfriend took my phone whilst I was sleeping, and having seen me type my pin many times, snooped through the chat app and found the conversations with other people, plus this sexual one. She was furious of course and immediately told me to collect all my stuff, get out of her place and leave forever, and not contact her again. I admitted what I'd done and left without further argument.

Just want to make it clear that I'm not in any way trying to justify my behaviour, and I know that what I've done was unacceptable and I take full responsibility for that, I've hurt her so bad. We did have a very good relationship although long distance and we were planning a future together. I am truly sorry for what I've done and hoping that I can be forgiven.

She hasn't blocked me on social media or anything we remain 'friends' on Facebook and Skype, but I haven't messaged her as per her request, I'm going to give her all the space she needs and respect her wish for me not to get in touch, but in the event she does talk to me again, I want to be able to honestly show my regret, but at the same time not make excuses for what I did so in time maybe I'll be forgiven.

Any advice you can give me on this would be very much appreciated...

Rekop dog

Giving it one bash to attempt to fight for it is ok imo. If she ignores or declines then you probably have to face up to the reality of the situation.

dixiefly

Rekop dog wrote: »

Giving it one bash to attempt to fight for it is ok imo. If she ignores or declines then you probably have to face up to the reality of the situation.

Absolutely,

Explain yourself in a similar way to what you did here. Try to combine the apologies with an attempt at reconciliation.

If it doesnt work then you should unfriend he on the various social media and delete hher details on phone etc. Leave it up to her to come back to you.

MiliMe

From what you have said, you don't really seem to have shown this girl that your actually sorry if you've just left her house and not contacted her since. If I were in her position, I would want a huge apology and to know that your actually sorry for what happened.
If you want to have a future with her, you need to show her your sorry and it's not something that you'll ever do again...

Ursus Horribilis

The first question that crossed my mind was why your girlfriend felt she had to check your phone in the first place. Have there been trust issues in the relationship? Had you given her reason to suspect you were up to something?

By all means try one more time to get her back but it may not work.

Ursus Horribilis

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

The first question that crossed my mind was why your girlfriend felt she had to check your phone in the first place. Have there been trust issues in the relationship? Had you given her reason to suspect you were up to something?

By all means try one more time to get her back but it may not work.

First question that crossed mine was why he was sending pics of his lad to somebody else.

Amazing how we all think different ways huh

OP I think a fulsome and genuine apology is worth a try.

Mongfinder General

Move on. You were caught but so was she. You can't trust her not to invade your privacy. And she won't ever let you forget your "mistake". I'd say nothing. In fact, she'll probably end up coming looking for you if you completely blank her.

kylith

So you lied to another woman, telling her that you were single. Then you send her photos of your penis and accepted naked photos of her?

I'm on your ex's side here. What you did is totally unexcusable and I can't fathom why she hasn't blocked you on social media yet.

JackTaylorFan

Cheating is cheating is cheating.

You lied to another woman for your sexy times.

Sadly, your ex hasn't blocked you on other mediums - which to me, suggests you haven't hurt her enough yet. You'll probably get another chance at it if you try contacting her - hurting her, that is.

And I don't subscribe to this nonsense of well, she shouldn't have been snooping in the first place. What a crock of ****.

Mr. Incognito

She was snooping through your phone

She must have had doubts to do that.

There was damning evidence there.

To be honest the relationship is over by the snooping and the finding.

Time to move on.

cailin.

For your ex's sake, give her some time. This time isn't about you unfortunately. You will have to live with accepting the cause of your breakup was your own behaviour. You went looking for attention elsewhere, and regardless of whether you admitted it to her when called out or not, you did something in secrecy behind your ex's back and breached her trust. Yes, she also breached your trust but how far would it have gone if she didn't feel the need to snoop through your phone?

Give her some time to make up her own mind, if she wants to reconcile she will contact you. Mind yourself.

carricklad

Hi, it's me again, just checking in with the tough but always fair court of public opinion - can't argue with that. To be honest I'm not asking for you to feel sorry for me or trying to justify or excuse what I did - I made a mistake which I very much regret, you can take that at face value or not as the case may be.

Some helpful and useful things to consider in the posts above, and going forwards with my life, recognising the anguish I've caused I'll need to try harder to be a better person than I have been, whatever the outcome of this.

If anyone has anything further to add, it's gratefully received.

racso1975

Look it bottom line you were getting attention from somewhere else and because it gave you gratification you continued seeking it.

You need to decide why that was. Was it because your relationship is lacking or was it because your lacking and this satisfied you. Of course it's an ego boost when someone is attracted to ya but it says a lot about your personality if you act upon that or encourage it if you are already in a relationship.

You mention lack of friends in real world. Do something about it so. Join a club or group that shares the same interest as you!

I'd figure out the above before you try to repair the relationship or it's likely to happen again.

Eric Cartman

carricklad wrote: »

Last week (17/01) my girlfriend took my phone whilst I was sleeping, and having seen me type my pin many times, snooped through the chat app

Thats when it was over for me here, you didn't deserve that, nobody did, id take the breakup and find somebody who isn't mental.

Ursus Horribilis

Eric Cartman wrote: »

Thats when it was over for me here, you didn't deserve that, nobody did, id take the breakup and find somebody who isn't mental.

I wouldn't call her mental without knowing more. We don't know if she had looked through his phone before this. If she checks his phone on a regular basis, then I'd say yes he's well rid.
Thing is, we don't know why she felt she had to check the phone. If it was a once off, prompted by his behaviour, then isn't it good that she looked? What our OP did was way out of line and I don't blame her for dumping him.

Another day

A mistake happens once only not repeatedly. Move on and learn your lesson.

blairbear

Eric Cartman wrote: »

Thats when it was over for me here, you didn't deserve that, nobody did, id take the breakup and find somebody who isn't mental.

She didn't deserve a boyfriend who was sending photos of his lad to some stranger. How is SHE "mental"? For having the wherewithal to cop that her boyfriend was effectively cheating on her?!

But sure, it's her fault for catching him out. So misogynistic to call an astute woman "mental" for refusing to be a passive participant in her relationship and life.

carricklad

Yeah, cmon guys, it's not really constructive calling her mental. She's actually far from it. Yes, she snooped, but well, quite clearly I was in the wrong totally here. I don't assign any blame whatsoever to her in this breakup.

JupiterKid

OP - what you did was wrong and stupid and you realize that, but I’m wondering if you did or said anything to make your now ex-GF want to check your phone. When trust is gone, the relationship is gone too.

You mention that the relationship was long distance. Did you feel lonely while she was away? Could that be the reason for your online shenanigans? In my experience long distance relationships are very hard to maintain and often don’t work out.

For the record, a mate of mine was caught by his then fiancée sending and receiving flirty and suggestive messages to another woman. She promptly ended the engagement and it cut my mate to pieces. He grovelled his way back and she eventually took him back. They are now happily (as far as I can see) married and have two young children. So the damage can be repaired - but you must never, ever do what you did again.

carricklad

It was long distance but we contacted each other regularly and spoke almost every day, so loneliness was not an issue. I'm not looking to find reasons or make excuses for what I've done though.

Eric Cartman

blairbear wrote: »

She didn't deserve a boyfriend who was sending photos of his lad to some stranger. How is SHE "mental"? For having the wherewithal to cop that her boyfriend was effectively cheating on her?!

But sure, it's her fault for catching him out. So misogynistic to call an astute woman "mental" for refusing to be a passive participant in her relationship and life.

Clearly op is at fault for actually sending pic's etc... but ye know memorising your partbers pin code and snooping through their phone while they sleep (suspicions or not) is mental behaviour (from either gender) . I suspect if the gender roles were reversed you would also feel that was mental, controlling and creepy behaviour.

blairbear

Eric Cartman wrote: »

Clearly op is at fault for actually sending pic's etc... but ye know memorising your partbers pin code and snooping through their phone while they sleep (suspicions or not) is mental behaviour (from either gender) . I suspect if the gender roles were reversed you would also feel that was mental, controlling and creepy behaviour.

I suspect absolutely not as I find cheating deplorable in either gender. Looking at someone's phone to confirm her right-on-the-money suspicions was completely sensible and sane.

whoopsadoodles

Eric Cartman wrote: »

Clearly op is at fault for actually sending pic's etc... but ye know memorising your partbers pin code and snooping through their phone while they sleep (suspicions or not) is mental behaviour (from either gender) . I suspect if the gender roles were reversed you would also feel that was mental, controlling and creepy behaviour.

I really have a huge issue with looking through anyone's phone and I actively look away if my other half is in whatsapp or Facebook etc but I know his pin because he puts it in a thousand times a day when in my company. I haven't memorised it. I just know it. That's fairly standard I'd say. Nothing mental about it.

mcmoustache

carricklad wrote: »

...

So, about 18 months ago, a stranger on the other side of the world added me to this chat app, and being bored and intrigued, I accepted her request to chat and then we talked about nothing in particular. Then she disappears and I forget all about her. Six months later she turns up out of the blue and messages me again, asks if I'm single, I said I was . Then she disappears again for six months (about six months ago) and says hi again. Then she turned the conversation to sex and we sexted and exchanged pics . She asked me to play back a pre-recorded video of me having sex, but I showed her some random amateur couples video off the internet instead...

...

Any advice you can give me on this would be very much appreciated...

Whatever about the rights or wrongs of sexting or checking people's phones, this part jumped out at me.

You should never send pictures, dick-pics or videos of yourself to strangers on the internet. It's rude if they don't ask for them but if they do ask for them, you should be very suspicious.

A common scam is to create a female profile, solicit sexual pictures/video from and then blackmail the mark. On the internet, you can never be sure who's on the other end of a conversation. You should be very careful with whom you share personal info online.

A good rule of thumb is not to send personal info to people unless you know who they are.

dellas1979

Eric Cartman wrote: »

Clearly op is at fault for actually sending pic's etc... but ye know memorising your partbers pin code and snooping through their phone while they sleep (suspicions or not) is mental behaviour (from either gender) . I suspect if the gender roles were reversed you would also feel that was mental, controlling and creepy behaviour.

How about you rephrase it to "she remembered her partners number"?

You do realise its the language you are using that is making her sound very conspicuous and not the OP?

I dont think its controlling or creepy to do something to have something else confirmed. I also dont believe she WANTED to find something. She just isnt thick and knew something was up, and wanted it confirmed.

You do realise that your flowery explanation about is shifting the responsbility?

carricklad

Yes, I just want to say that I don't feel there's any accountability on her part here. Yeah she snooped, and yeah, perhaps there's the argument that she shouldn't have, but quite clearly I'm in the wrong.

Just want to be clear, the sexting events happened with ONE (yep, one too many) person thousands of miles away a couple of times between eighteen and six months ago, and I'm not trying to minimise my culpability here, but I was not involved in fooling around with any other women whatsoever other than that.

Who knows what happened that day, perhaps like me, curiosity got the better of her and she did something that perhaps taken in isolation could be criticised, but who knows. It's a fair cop, and I hold my hands up to that.

leggo

carricklad wrote: »

Just want to be clear, the sexting events happened with ONE (yep, one too many) person thousands of miles away a couple of times between eighteen and six months ago, and I'm not trying to minimise my culpability here, but I was not involved in fooling around with any other women whatsoever other than that.

Unless she asks specifically, say none of that if you do talk to her. Saying "I'm not trying to minimise my culpability but..." here is like saying "I'm not racist but..." then saying something racist. It won't go over well.

What you can do is explain your very real loneliness and how it led you down this stupid path then use that opportunity, if she's at all willing, to discuss your relationship if something can be done to salvage it.

carricklad

I meant that I'm not trying to minimise my culpability to the people here in this thread in the context of saying I wasn't giving her suspicions that she needed to check out my phone, since that is what a lot of people seem to be focusing on.

LolaJJ

Hey OP

You played with fire.

Listen it sounds like you royally f*cked up, it was out of character and you are sincerely remorseful.

The issue that you have now is that even if you do figure out how to mend this damage - there is still a bit of distance between you and it will be really difficult for your girlfriend to not feel insecure or suspicious as to what you are getting up to. Even if both of you have the best intentions it will be really difficult to get back to where you were before all this. And even at that she was obviously a little unsure if she felt the need to check your phone.

So, first off, respecting her request to give her space.

Meh, as someone else said, you still have one opportunity at least to show her that you are willing to fight for her. I would actually be a little offended if I caught someone out and they just accepted it and vanished.

She probably wants you to fight for her - regardless of whether or not she decides to give you a second chance.

Maybe send her an email, tell her that's less intrusive and you understand she needs time.

Explain that you're sorry, explain everything that you did above and maybe end it with "I know it will change things and I'm willing to work really hard to make sure you know you can trust me, I don't mind if you get insecure, i know it's my fault"

Then tell her you will respect her decision, whatever it is. And then leave it up to her.

Good luck, and on the bright side, at least you have learnt an important lesson.

carricklad

Thank you for your kind words and that advice seems helpful. I knew I was going to get absolutely slammed by many after hearing my story, and justifiably so, I really screwed up here. I know it will take time and I'm willing to pay the price, whatever that may be. Have put a sincere pen and paper letter in the post to her after a few days, but no response as yet, but I guess the wounds are still painful. I will keep checking back to this thread so if any more advice, it's warmly welcomed.

Ursus Horribilis

Good luck! Hopefully she'll forgive you and that you can both move on from this.

You mentioned at the very start of this thread that you struggle to make friends in real life. Have you ever done anything to change that? It's nice to have some virtual friends but you can't beat having real life ones. Perhaps your lack of a social circle helped lead to this lapse in judgement? I think taking steps to try and improve that side of your life would be well worth taking, regardless of what happens next .