What is wrong with my mother ?

shalena

I hate my mother so much. I don't even begin to know where to start but I need some advice
So I was punished a lot as a child but I do not know why. If i was a difficult child I would say fair enough I deserved the beatings etc but I was actually very shy. Im 23 now working full time and living at home and not paying rent. She is requesting 50 euro a week from me but i think this is unreasonable because i know if i had a daughter like this i would do anything to keep her at home coz id love her so much. Anyways here are a list of things my mother does/did:
I have gotten many many beatings but When I was about 8 she gave me a beating and I blacked out for hours and couldn't walk for days I was so sore
She used to drive up to my cousins bus stop (who was about 13) with me and my 5 year older sis she used to threaten her and drive slowly behind her as she walked from her bus stop home. Me and my sis used to think it was normal but we didn't know -we were kids. She used to call her ugly and fat and all I can remember is my cousin crying as she walked. I don't know why she done this but if I ever ask her she denys it.
She used to lock me outside for entire nights and lock the car doors and I used to have to sleep homeless for many nights. I say about 50% of my nights from 4 to 15 I slept on our door step. And if I ask her about it now she laughs and says "U were bold and needed to be punished"
She used to host belrussian children and would punish them by not giving them meals etc.
She used to tell me I had no friends and the one friend I did have she said "she's laughing at you, she doesn't want to be your friend, she's an outgoing girl with loads of friends" but yet me and this girl only had eachother
I didn't want to go to a disco at 13 and she called me a freak and odd
She hasn't worked in 30 years but my dad who is amazing and works about 70 hours per week gives her 1000 euro per week.
She is very uneducated, I once asked her where new York was and she thought it was in Australia.
She lives in filth in my house and lies on the couch all day with her legs spread letting the dog lick her feet. She smells of sweat a lot and when she goes for a bath she makes sex sounds. She makes dinner maybe twice a week. Apart from that, my younger siblings get toasted sandwiches after school.
I have 5 other siblings. 3 younger , 2 older and the older 2 who are now married hate her.
And did I mention she had an affair with my dad's friend a few years ago?
Please tell me my it's all my mother's fault and that she couldn't be normal.

Sorry, I stopped at the point where you said you're working full time and don't want to pay €50/week rent. That's not unreasonable at all.

Sleeper12

Basil3 wrote:

Sorry, I stopped at the point where you said you're working full time and don't want to pay €50/week rent. That's not unreasonable at all.

Dito.

OP from what you are saying I think you need to take a long look at yourself.

Ursus Horribilis

OP, why are you living with her? I read through your entire post, by the way. I don't think it's fair to attack you based on one thing you mentioned. You said you're working so why can't you leave and move into a house share?

She sounds dreadful but you're not going to be able to change her. She is what she is and that's the way she'll always be. You would be doing yourself an enormous favour by removing yourself from the house. Aside from all that you wrote about her, you're over-invested in what's going on in the house. That's not good for your mental health, nor your relationship with either of your parents. By hating her and being revulsed by her, you're poisoning yourself. If you leave, you won't know the difference in yourself.

Why are you still living there?

You are an adult and are working - move out if you don't like her.

ted1

Basil3 wrote: »

Sorry, I stopped at the point where you said you're working full time and don't want to pay €50/week rent. That's not unreasonable at all.

That’s literally exact what I was going to say.

OP you are an adult in full time employment, 50 Euro is the very least that you should be paying.

Ursus Horribilis

Basil3 wrote: »

Sorry, I stopped at the point where you said you're working full time and don't want to pay €50/week rent. That's not unreasonable at all.

Seriously? You stopped at the €50 comment and made a snap judgement without reading the rest?

Ursus Horribilis

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

Seriously? You stopped at the €50 comment and made a snap judgement without reading the rest?

You got me...I lied.

@OP if your mother forced you to sleep outside over 2000 times, including the middle of Winter, I have no idea how she ever kept you in her care.

Based on what you've said, the only real solution for you is to move out. Be prepared for a lot more than €50/week, though.

HelgaWard

I'd move out if I were you. You should be paying towards your bed and board while you are there, although I'd give it to your Dad.

keavebm

So sorry op. Ur mum sounds like a terrible person and should have been reported for cruelty. Dont give her a cent my kids live at home and thats there home until they decide they want to rent. U were left sleeping outside. Im shocked a parent would do this to kids. Its jail she should be in not sprawled out on the couch

GingerLily

Basil3 wrote: »

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

Seriously? You stopped at the €50 comment and made a snap judgement without reading the rest?

You got me...I lied.

@OP if your mother forced you to sleep outside over 2000 times, including the middle of Winter, I have no idea how she ever kept you in her care.

Based on what you've said, the only real solution for you is to move out. Be prepared for a lot more than €50/week, though.

You should move out and report your mother to social services

Ursus Horribilis

Yes, either give it to your dad or put it towards a deposit on a room. Get out of there.

As an aside, what ages are the younger members of the family? If they're underage would it be appropriate to get Tusla involved? This woman should not have been allowed to keep any children.

And also, if she tries to keep any more Belarusian kids get onto the agency ASAP.

LegacyUser

Basil3 wrote: »

Sorry, I stopped at the point where you said you're working full time and don't want to pay €50/week rent. That's not unreasonable at all.

Really? It might have been a good idea to keep reading, then you might have been able to post something useful instead of this shameful nonsense.

OP, in no way is your mother's behaviour normal or ok. I agree with the posters who said you should be getting out and reporting your mother's neglect of your younger siblings. If you don't think that's appropriate, I'd ask you to take a look at the story of the Turpin family in California. The response to your story might not be as dramatic, but you'll see that behaviour like your mother's can and is brought to account.

shalena

Basil3 wrote: »

Sorry, I stopped at the point where you said you're working full time and don't want to pay €50/week rent. That's not unreasonable at all.

I was very unclear in what I said. Yes she is looking for 50 euro per week , however I pay the sky bill and esb bill as agreed with my dad as i told him i wanted to be responsible in some way ! I hope that gives you a clearer mind

shalena

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

OP, why are you living with her? I read through your entire post, by the way. I don't think it's fair to attack you based on one thing you mentioned. You said you're working so why can't you leave and move into a house share?

She sounds dreadful but you're not going to be able to change her. She is what she is and that's the way she'll always be. You would be doing yourself an enormous favour by removing yourself from the house. Aside from all that you wrote about her, you're over-invested in what's going on in the house. That's not good for your mental health, nor your relationship with either of your parents. By hating her and being revulsed by her, you're poisoning yourself. If you leave, you won't know the difference in yourself.

Thank you for your reply. I've had a boyfriend for 3 years and we are both 23 living at home. His parents are the opposite, have him wrapped up in cotton wool and they (him and his 25 year old brother) are spoilt rotten.
Parents always bring them out for dinner and they never offer to pay. I asked my boyfriend if he would like us to move in together in an apartment and he said no way that he was living for free at home. His mum overhead us talking and went crazy saying she wasn't allowing him to move out yet. She wouldn't accept him moving out. His brother went travelling to Thailand for a month last year and she had to go on sleeping tablets
All in all my "23 year old" boyfriend will not be "allowed" move out 😂

shalena

Basil3 wrote: »

You got me...I lied.

@OP if your mother forced you to sleep outside over 2000 times, including the middle of Winter, I have no idea how she ever kept you in her care.

Based on what you've said, the only real solution for you is to move out. Be prepared for a lot more than €50/week, though.

I just want to clarify that yes I slept outside a lot as a kid. Most of the time I slept at my front door and a lot of the other times I slept in my shed but there were mice which scared me.
Saying 2000 times sounds a bit extreme and Im not sure if you are trying to portray me as a liar by saying 2000 times but there was one time where I slept for an entire 2 weeks outside and she would wake me at our front door at 7pm so I would be ready for school. I slept a lot in my bed, BUT I slept a lot outside too.

Ursus Horribilis

Now I'd be quicker to attack your boyfriend for that entitled attitude. The done thing for most adult children is to make a contribution to home once they start working. You've a mammy's boy on your hands and that could cause you problems down the line.

That's all by the by though. For now you should be looking at moving out of home and away from that toxicity. Unless you're the sort who turns their nose up at house sharing?

shalena

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

Yes, either give it to your dad or put it towards a deposit on a room. Get out of there.

As an aside, what ages are the younger members of the family? If they're underage would it be appropriate to get Tusla involved? This woman should not have been allowed to keep any children.

And also, if she tries to keep any more Belarusian kids get onto the agency ASAP.

Thank you for the reply. One thing I forgot to mention was the older 3 children now aged 30, 28 and me 23 , were treated like dirt. We were bullied, beaten, and tortured. But I seemed to get the worst. The others were never made sleep outside But I was.
The younger 3 children now 19, 14, 12 , are treated well. Yes they are not given amazing dinners they usually get sandwiches , but they have never been beaten or left outside, sometimes they are bullied by her: she may say things like "you only got a D in maths, are u stupid" , "why are you a sub in football, you must not be good". I know this sounds bad, but in comparison to the way the first 3 were treated, it's good!

shalena

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

Now I'd be quicker to attack your boyfriend for that entitled attitude. The done thing for most adult children is to make a contribution to home once they start working. You've a mammy's boy on your hands and that could cause you problems down the line.

That's all by the by though. For now you should be looking at moving out of home and away from that toxicity. Unless you're the sort who turns their nose up at house sharing?

Absolutely not. I was left outside to sleep with mice at the age of 4. Please don't refer to me as snobby. I want to move in with my boyfriend who I want to spend the rest of my life with , no one else. Is that not normal?

Ursus Horribilis

If this thread is for real, do two things
1. Move out
2. Report her to social services

The end

GingerLily

shalena wrote: »

Absolutely not. I was left outside to sleep with mice at the age of 4. Please don't refer to me as snobby. I want to move in with my boyfriend who I want to spend the rest of my life with , no one else. Is that not normal?

Your boyfriend won't move out though - so you have to come up with a different plan.

Move out and stop making excuses, no one in this thread thinks your mother is nice, but she's not going to change, you need to take responsibility for the things in life that you can now control, as an adult.

shalena

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

If this thread is for real, do two things
1. Move out
2. Report her to social services

The end

The thread is real and I will not report my mother to social services because putting aside my feelings for her, I would not leave my younger siblings without a mum

Ursus Horribilis

You're complicit in their abuse if that's the case. As is your father for allowing this to go on.

shalena

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

You're complicit in their abuse if that's the case. As is your father for allowing this to go on.

I completely agree. But my father is a quiet man who would rather ignore a problem. He knows my mum had an affair, he knew I was left outside, he knew I was beaten, but he was always afraid of her. I'm sure he wanted to help me and bring me inside on the cold nights but he was probably afraid of her too. Come to think of It, he never helped me in my childhood difficulty but yet he never abused me, and always gave me money if I needed it

Fall_Guy

shalena wrote: »

I just want to clarify that yes I slept outside a lot as a kid. Most of the time I slept at my front door and a lot of the other times I slept in my shed but there were mice which scared me.
Saying 2000 times sounds a bit extreme and Im not sure if you are trying to portray me as a liar by saying 2000 times but there was one time where I slept for an entire 2 weeks outside and she would wake me at our front door at 7pm so I would be ready for school. I slept a lot in my bed, BUT I slept a lot outside too.

I think the 2000 times is in reference to you spending 50% of your nights sleeping outside for over ten years, which would be an accurate enough calculation.

If what you have said is truthful then your mother should not only have had her children taken from her care, but should have faced criminal charges.

She clearly has mental health issues, but you are not responsible for her welfare. You do however have an obligation to ensure that your younger siblings will be safe when you presumably move out as soon as possible. Please report her for the things that you have accused her of here so that the correct authorities can assess her current capacity for caring for children.

If all is as you have reported here, I am so sorry that you had to endure that level of abuse and neglect growing up.

stargazer 68

shalena wrote: »

Absolutely not. I was left outside to sleep with mice at the age of 4. Please don't refer to me as snobby. I want to move in with my boyfriend who I want to spend the rest of my life with , no one else. Is that not normal?

Ok forget about that. He's not going anywhere, why would he. Look for a house share , plenty advertised around I'm sure and move out. She isn't going to change but you can change your circumstances

yerwanthere123

shalena wrote: »

The thread is real and I will not report my mother to social services because putting aside my feelings for her, I would not leave my younger siblings without a mum

They're better off with no mother than having that sad excuse for a parent.

The *only* solution to your predicament is to move out, there's not a single legitimate reason to stay.

GingerLily

yerwanthere123 wrote: »

shalena wrote: »

The thread is real and I will not report my mother to social services because putting aside my feelings for her, I would not leave my younger siblings without a mum

They're better off with no mother than having that sad excuse for a parent.

The *only* solution to your predicament is to move out, there's not a single legitimate reason to stay.

But the OP isn't listening to advice,

nikkibikki

shalena wrote:

The thread is real and I will not report my mother to social services because putting aside my feelings for her, I would not leave my younger siblings without a mum

They will get a foster mum or dad who will nurture, love and support them instead of a neglectful bully.

I think you need a lot of counselling. I teared up when I read you got that beating at 8 years old. I couldn't imagine doing that to my kids.

Please report her to Tusla. For their good. Your mother not talking to you will be no loss to your life.

LegacyUser

What advice exactly OP are you looking for? If you are so unhappy, move out. Sounds like you'll be waiting a long time for your BF to ever more out if he's spoiled as badly as you say so your options are stay at home and be miserable or move out and get on with your life. Most people don't go from family home to living with boyfriend. Most people house share or live alone for a bit. Just because you move out doens't mean you can't move in with your BF down the line but what's the point in staying where you are?

shalena

nikkibikki wrote: »

They will get a foster mum or dad who will nurture, love and support them instead of a neglectful bully.

I think you need a lot of counselling. I teared up when I read you got that beating at 8 years old. I couldn't imagine doing that to my kids.

Please report her to Tusla. For their good. Your mother not talking to you will be no loss to your life.

Thank you very much for being so understanfing, I received counselling two years ago but it wasn't of any benefit really.
To be honest my 19 year old sister says she's not nice and she is strange and weird and dirty but she doesn't not neglect them to the extent she neglected us older 3. Perhaps she went through an untreated psychotic episode when we were growing up but it has now gone or she is being treated for it now. I know she's not half as bad as she was but she is still a nasty individual.
Nothing can erase what happened to me and my older siblings but I know reporting her won't benefit my siblings. They are still fed, clothed in a warm house every day. I would have reported what she done with the first 3, but the last 3 definitely not as she is not necessarily neglecting them.

Afroshack

You seem to be in denial of how serious all this is OP. Physical abuse, denying meals, emotional bullying, locking you out...this is all very serious child abuse. No doubt about it. You seem to think that the withholding of a measly 50 euro a week is " punishing" her in some way or is justified because of her cruelty. You also seem fixated on her hygiene/money grabbing qualities, why are you not fighting tooth and nail to get your brothers and sisters out of there?????

GingerLily

OP, do you have children?

XsApollo

Basil3 wrote: »

Sorry, I stopped at the point where you said you're working full time and don't want to pay €50/week rent. That's not unreasonable at all.

Did you actually read the bloody rest of the post?
That woman should be locked up and giving a beating herself.
Report her.

Edit I stopped reading the rest of the thread after reading this post.
But hey.

Das Reich

I have no advice to give you as it is obvious (leave home). But I am commenting because I got curious to know what your father does to have 1.000 euros per week.

Neyite

Mod:

Closed for review.

shalena

GingerLily wrote: »

OP, do you have children?

No i do not. Ginger Lily I see you are taking my post a bit to heart and I understand where you are coming from. Your main concern here is my younger siblings. But you need not worry, the 19 year old thinks my mother is a bitch but she is very successful, currently studying veterinary and happy with her life, comes home at the weekends from college. The 2 younger have gotten by and although they also think my mother is a bitch, putting them into foster care would make things so so so bad for them. They would hate it, it would destroy their lives. They love my mother, they make her breakfast in bed, she thanks them and kisses and hugs them for it. But yet if my brother has a football match and doesnt get a game, she will give out. If my sister fairs poorly in school, she gets nasty. It would ruin their lives a foster home. Who wants to be taken out of their home at 12 and 14 years of age? My mother did not neglect them. I seen when they were infants, they were brought to the doctor over the littlest things, they were fed, wrapped up well when brought out in the cold, spoilt rotten at Christmas time. She just is mean to them sometimes now. I was neglected, not them. my older siblings were neglected, but why should I take a 12 and 14 year old out of their home that they love for what I suffered? I once asked them , has mum ever slapped you? And they said "no why would she do that". If they were 5 and 6 i would probably worry more but they are teenagers now, they know if my mother is neglecting them.