Time spent together

LegacyUser

In a relationship what's a reasonable expectation of time spent together/frequency seeing each other? Possibly a how long is piece of string/horses for course thread but interested in opinions. Busy jobs, newish relationship but not long distance. Thanks

Ursus Horribilis

Can you give us more information? Like how long you're together, how far apart you live etc? It's very difficult to advise which such vague information. Also, have you spoken to this other person about it?

woodchuck

It can vary greatly, so ultimately it depends on what you're both comfortable with and how much time you have to spare. Personally twice a week is plenty for me (may include overnight stays). However I know plenty of people who spend ~4 nights together in a week when in a new relationship. I have NO idea what they did with their time before they got into a relationship though! How someone can just magically have 4 evenings a week free that they didn't have before just boggles my mind.

WIZWEB

Massive amount of variables involved. As long as there is joint awareness of availability or lack there of there could be a lot or very little time together. However if one person feels excuses are being made by the other to minimize proximal contact then questions should be asked. Also if one is only meeting with one thing in mind at the date conclusion then issues may rightfully arise for the other. All scenarios speculative of course based on the little information you provided.

LegacyUser

Same city so half hour between max. Several months in and between work shifts, training, matches, friends and family I can free up two weekends per month and little if anything midweek. Yes, we have spoken about it. All fine when we're together but major breakdowns time in between. She would have significantly more free time it appears.

Airyfairy12

Heeyyy wrote: »

Same city so half hour between max. Several months in and between work shifts, training, matches, friends and family I can free up two weekends per month and little if anything midweek. Yes, we have spoken about it. All fine when we're together but major breakdowns time in between. She would have significantly more free time it appears.

It sounds like your girlfriend is the least of your priorities. She comes before friends,family, matches. If I was with someone that could only spare an odd weekend id leave the relationship because whats the point in being in one like that? Cant you involve her in some of your time spent with family/friends.. or miss the odd night out with your buddies to spend time with her? If the answers no then break up with her so she can find someone who enjoys spending time with her.

woodchuck

It's fair enough that work comes first and it sounds like you have a hobby that requires a lot of commitment too.

How many nights a week/month do you spend with your friends and family? I would never suggest cutting them out, but you might need to cut down on the odd night with your friends/family to spend time with your girlfriend. Or as Airfairy suggested, include her sometimes when you socialise with your friends.

GingerLily

If you can't give her time every weekend then I think a midweek date night would be a good idea, I used to do it with my now husband so that we were able to spend weekends with friends and family if needed because we had our "us" time set aside.

Do you communicate when you don't see her?
How often do you text or ring her first?

SusieBlue

I don't see how seeing someone twice a month would allow for healthy relationship progression. I don't blame your girlfriend for being upset because you are clearly treating her as an option rather than a priority.
It doesn't sound like you are able to give her the commitment she wants and deserves right now at all.

Pelvis

Heeyyy wrote: »

Same city so half hour between max. Several months in and between work shifts, training, matches, friends and family I can free up two weekends per month and little if anything midweek. Yes, we have spoken about it. All fine when we're together but major breakdowns time in between. She would have significantly more free time it appears.

Break up with her. You're clearly not at all interested if you can only make time for her 2 weekends out of a month.

witchgirl26

Heeyyy wrote: »

Same city so half hour between max. Several months in and between work shifts, training, matches, friends and family I can free up two weekends per month and little if anything midweek. Yes, we have spoken about it. All fine when we're together but major breakdowns time in between. She would have significantly more free time it appears.

OP I get that you have your own life that was developed prior to the relationship but you might need to find a way to include her more and move things around.

At the start of my relationship we would have been similar enough but saw each other most weekends unless there was something really specific on. To be honest that was sometimes tough but I wouldn't have stuck around if I was only seeing him a couple of times a month. A relationship needs more commitment than that.

LegacyUser

Work takes up the majority of time. Hours are never set in stone, small company and small staff. Lots of responsibility in the workplace also. There are handful of nights per month I can guarantee being free. So I can't set aside a week night to be our date night. If I make training it's by chance and matches aren't every week or all year round. Friends aren't bringing their wives and girlfriends out and seeing friends isn't too frequent at that. To be honest I think it's too early for family stuff, again they don't take up huge amount of my time. Yeah it's heading towards breakdown and break up.

Ursus Horribilis

Heeyyy wrote: »

Same city so half hour between max. Several months in and between work shifts, training, matches, friends and family I can free up two weekends per month and little if anything midweek. Yes, we have spoken about it. All fine when we're together but major breakdowns time in between. She would have significantly more free time it appears.

I'd love to know what your thoughts are on this? The way you threw out that comment about her having this extra free time "it appears" is a bit odd. It's almost as if you're viewing it as something negative.

If your girlfriend is only being given two weekends of your time a month, I can understand why she's not happy with that. Nobody likes to feel that they're some sort of afterthought and being crammed into some leftover space that exists after training, family and friends have been dealt with. Do you not want to spend more time with her than this? Most people I know will find the time to spend with their boyfriend/girlfriend if they're into them.

On the other hand, I'm curious as to what "major breakdowns" means. Is it something more than an annoyed girlfriend and you think her behaviour is over the top, then maybe it's better to end the relationship .

Ursus Horribilis

Heeyyy wrote: »

Work takes up the majority of time. Hours are never set in stone, small company and small staff. Lots of responsibility in the workplace also. There are handful of nights per month I can guarantee being free. So I can't set aside a week night to be our date night. If I make training it's by chance and matches aren't every week or all year round. Friends aren't bringing their wives and girlfriends out and seeing friends isn't too frequent at that. To be honest I think it's too early for family stuff, again they don't take up huge amount of my time. Yeah it's heading towards breakdown and break up.

Going by what you've described here, it doesn't look like you'd miss her if you broke up. Accepting that time can be tight for you during the week, it still makes no sense that you never meet up. Why do you have to have date nights (organised in advance?) anyway? Have you never wanted to spontaneously call around to each other's places for a few hours in the evening? And seeing as the relationship is several months in, you seem to be keeping her very separate to the rest of your life. If/when this relationship ends, you need to have a long think about what's going on here. If all you have to offer any girlfriend is the odd weekend and you don't seem interested in changing that, why bother? No woman is going to want what you're offering for very long.

LegacyUser

It feels like dates have to be planned and arranged because if and when I was free and called over there were tears if I got called into work last minute. She takes this as being stood up.

gaynorvader

Having read your replies, it sounds like you never meet up on an ad hoc basis. You talk about only being able to guarantee a few evenings a month, why not give her a call when you're unexpectedly free after work and see if she wants to grab dinner/a movie/etc? You're only 30 mins away, shouldn't be too much hassle. Also, on the days you're working late, could she spend the night?

bucketybuck

Heeyyy wrote: »

Same city so half hour between max. Several months in and between work shifts, training, matches, friends and family I can free up two weekends per month and little if anything midweek. Yes, we have spoken about it. All fine when we're together but major breakdowns time in between. She would have significantly more free time it appears.

Sounds like a ****buddy, not a relationship.

Maybe she appears to have more time because she makes the time, whereas you seem to have no intention of placing her ahead of work, family, friends or hobbies.

I wouldn't accept a situation like that, I doubt she will either.

Big Bag of Chips

If I was in a relationship that was classified as a "proper exclusive relationship" rather than just meeting up occasionally I would expect to see each other more than 2 weekends a month. 30 minutes apart isn't much and personally I would like to be meeting up at least a couple of time every week.

If you don't have time to see her more often, then you don't have time for a relationship at the moment. It's not necessarily your fault (maybe) but it's not her fault for wanting to see more of you. In her position I'd feel like a "time filler" for you when you have a spare couple of hours and not like an actual part of your life.

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Ursus Horribilis

Heeyyy wrote: »

It feels like dates have to be planned and arranged because if and when I was free and called over there were tears if I got called into work last minute. She takes this as being stood up.

Seeing as trying to spend time with you is like trying to get blood out of a stone, I see her point. She obviously wanted to spend time with you and you were unwilling(?) to do so. That sort of thing can really start to hurt after a while.

Having said that, I'm getting a sense that she was a bit highly strung and that the pair of you are incompatible. It would appear that if you genuinely can't spend time with a girlfriend, you're better suited with someone who can go with the flow. You might also need to be more flexible yourself. Otherwise why bother? I also think your better off dating someone you won't be wanting to hide away from your family and friends. It's telling that she's still being kept away from them. Has your gut been telling you she's not right for you?

witchgirl26

OP if you've been together for 7 months then I would expect that you'd be a bit more involved in each others friends circles. While it might not be the norm at the moment, it just needs one to suggest it and make it a bit more of the norm.

I can understand that your job seems to mean a lot to you but constantly working isn't great for you (excluding relationship at the moment) anyway. You need to be able to have a work-life balance. Sometimes it is ok to say no to jumping and going straight back to work.

Honestly I would take it as being stood up too. Was there a reason you couldn't say to work "I'm actually out at the moment but will deal with it when I come in tomorrow?"? It's not nice from her perspective to finally be able to see you only for you to leave. I'd be very upset at that as it would seem that I'd was quite low on the list of priorities.

woodchuck

Heeyyy wrote: »

Work takes up the majority of time. Hours are never set in stone, small company and small staff. Lots of responsibility in the workplace also. There are handful of nights per month I can guarantee being free. So I can't set aside a week night to be our date night.

I find it difficult to believe that you are essentially never at liberty to make plans on a weekday evening due to work? Except for an emergency, surely you can just let your manager know that you already have plans arranged for the evening and can't work late that day, but will look into the issue in the morning. What do your colleagues do? I find it hard to believe that none of your colleagues ever have evenings plans (e.g. tickets to a gig, cinema, match etc). And god forbid if they had children!

If it's genuinely a work issue though, I'd be looking for another job.

I can't imagine most people would be happy to meet up only twice a month when you're living nearby. This will be a recurring problem with future girlfriends too, so either you sort out the work situation or accept that you're never going to be a position to commit to a serious relationship.

LolaJJ

I'm in a fairly similar reversed situ except it causes no real issues.

I train 3 nights a week, will take one of the free nights as a rest night and get my chores, housework and stuff done. Will see SO the other and we prioritize each other at weekends and our families and friends and other commitments take place too but we'll figure our ways to include each other or work round them. We really want to see each other as much as we can. I don't value my training more than him but he understands that's what I was doing a long time before I even knew he existed so it's a part of my life that I love.

He's not as busy, also trains but does it during his lunch break which his job allows and I know he'd love me to be free-er in the evenings but I think he likes that I have a life outside of us too.

My point is; if you being you is creating a problem for her then you're probably not right for each other. She possibly needs someone who's able to invest more in her and you possibly need someone who is less needy.

When things like this cause problems....good luck with any real issues you might encounter together

milli milli

LolaJJ wrote: »

She possibly needs someone who's able to invest more in her and you possibly need someone who is less needy.

I don't think his girlfriend is being needy.
By your own admission you see your SO once during the week and again at the weekend. In fact your weekends are prioritised for each other.
The OP's girlfriend is lucky to see him twice a month.
Hardly the same situations.

Ursus Horribilis

Tears though? And breakdowns? That's neediness in my book.

woodchuck

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

Tears though? And breakdowns? That's neediness in my book.

I'm reluctant to judge. After months of feeling like an afterthought, I'd get upset too.

99nsr125

Think about how you feel about her and how you prioritise things in your life

Heeyyy wrote: »

Same city so half hour between max. Several months in and between work shifts, training, matches, friends and family I can free up two weekends per month and little if anything midweek. Yes, we have spoken about it. All fine when we're together but major breakdowns time in between. She would have significantly more free time it appears.

LolaJJ

milli milli wrote: »

I don't think his girlfriend is being needy.
By your own admission you see your SO once during the week and again at the weekend. In fact your weekends are prioritised for each other.
The OP's girlfriend is lucky to see him twice a month.
Hardly the same situations.

Well...I reckon it works both ways. She seems to keep her calendar free in the hope he might be available, massively over-invest in what should just be an evening together and then lose the plot if he gets called away to work.

If she wasn't "needy" she would most likely have other stuff going on which would force the OP to make her more of a priority.

However...she doesn't and therefore NEEDS to see him more often because she appears to have nothing else going on.

Definition of needy if you ask me.

bucketybuck

LolaJJ wrote: »

Well...I reckon it works both ways. She seems to keep her calendar free in the hope he might be available, massively over-invest in what should just be an evening together and then lose the plot if he gets called away to work.

If she wasn't "needy" she would most likely have other stuff going on which would force the OP to make her more of a priority.

However...she doesn't and therefore NEEDS to see him more often because she appears to have nothing else going on.

Definition of needy if you ask me.

You are making most of that up, it certainly wasn't information given by the OP.

Pelvis

LolaJJ wrote: »

Well...I reckon it works both ways. She seems to keep her calendar free in the hope he might be available, massively over-invest in what should just be an evening together and then lose the plot if he gets called away to work.

If she wasn't "needy" she would most likely have other stuff going on which would force the OP to make her more of a priority.

However...she doesn't and therefore NEEDS to see him more often because she appears to have nothing else going on.

Definition of needy if you ask me.

You're saying that because the girl actually has free time, that she's needy because she's nothing better to be doing? What complete nonsense.

I think it's a stretch to call someone in a relationship needy because they want to see their partner more than twice a month, and become emotional because of continuous neglect.

woodchuck

LolaJJ wrote: »

Well...I reckon it works both ways. She seems to keep her calendar free in the hope he might be available, massively over-invest in what should just be an evening together and then lose the plot if he gets called away to work.

If she wasn't "needy" she would most likely have other stuff going on which would force the OP to make her more of a priority.

However...she doesn't and therefore NEEDS to see him more often because she appears to have nothing else going on.

Definition of needy if you ask me.

How do you know she keeps her calendar free in the hope that he might be available? It seems extremely unlikely given the infrequency with which they meet up.

How do you know she doesn't have other stuff going on?

All she's guilty of is having a bit more free time than the OP (as I imagine most people do). Then she sees him for the first time in 2 weeks, he gets a call from work and leaves her in the dust. I really don't blame her for getting upset if she's been putting up with that kind of thing for months!

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SusieBlue

I think you are being too rigid in your schedule with meeting up with her.
When I started going out with my boyfriend, we both had extremely busy schedules, he was working 60+ hours a week and I was working full time and in college by night.
Our time off would be interchangeable. So we had to get creative.
I would finish work at half 5, he would collect me. We’d grab a coffee and drink it in his car until I started college at half 6.
If he was working nights, I’d meet him at a restaurant next to where he works to catch up over dinner. We only had an hour together but it was better than nothing.
He worked weekends at the time (split shifts) so 8am breakfast dates on Saturday’s became a thing. If I didn’t see him for breakfast, I wouldn’t see him at all that day and that alone was enough to get me out of bed.
We also tried to sleepover at each other’s houses as much as was possible - some days it meant the only time I saw him was when he arrived to go to bed but it kept the intimacy and made us feel close.
We made sacrifices and compromised and for a long time we only saw each other for an hour at a time a couple of times a week, but the fact that we were both making effort kept the passion alive and we made it through.

It sounds like you are being really inflexible and cold about it all, there has to be room for you to make more effort than you are right now. If you aren’t willing to, you need to let her go because she certainly isn’t being unreasonable with her requests to you.

LolaJJ

bucketybuck wrote: »

You are making most of that up, it certainly wasn't information given by the OP.

All of that was said or alluded to by the OP - Read the posts (I've actually just gone back and checked)

Pelvis wrote: »

You're saying that because the girl actually has free time, that she's needy because she's nothing better to be doing? What complete nonsense.

I think it's a stretch to call someone in a relationship needy because they want to see their partner more than twice a month, and become emotional because of continuous neglect.

Well - if someone is suffering from "continuous emotional neglect" they should have the self respect to leave the relationship.

You are assuming calling her "needy" was a negative comment on my part. I didn't mean it so. Perhaps I should have said she was in need of greater investment from a potential partner.

My point was that some people need to live in their partner's pockets and get constantly reassured that the relationship is OK and they are important. I would call this "needy" but not in a derogatory way necessarily, although I do think it reflects on their self-esteem. If the lack of frequency where you get to see your SO causes recurrent emotional distress yet you continue to wait around for him to have a free evening makes you feel really bad I would question her judgement at staying in a relationship where her needs are not being met.

Other people are OK to do their own thing now and again and they trust their partners to do the same - knowing they are in a committed relationship and that it's solid. These type of people are less likely to continue on in relationships that cause emotional distress and outbursts - not needy, or not in need of constant reassurance/investment.

Again, I wasn't being derogatory.

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5

LolaJJ wrote: »

If she wasn't "needy" she would most likely have other stuff going on which would force the OP to make her more of a priority.

Can't say I understand this logic. He has practically no free time and a demanding and unpredictable work schedule, but if she were busier he'd somehow be able to fix that? Just seems like game playing.

OP there's no one size fits all answer here but the current situation clearly isn't working for either of you. It's a matter of priorities and how much you're invested in her/the relationship. Nothing wrong with not having room in your life for a romantic commitment. Nothing wrong either with a relationship where you don't see each other much, as long as you're both ok with it.

It's different because it's a long termer but recently went through a patch where my partner and I were working opposite scedules (me 9am to 5pm, him 5pm to 1am). I'd stay up late to see him or call in to the bar he was working at on quiet days and have dinner there, he'd get up early to have coffee with me before work. Worked for us, there wasn't any discussion even, it was just what seemed natural and right.

The phrasing in your posts reads to me like you see this as primarily her problem, which is unfair imo. Were you seeking a relationship or was she someone you just met and clicked with? If you're seeking a relationship your schedule will probably be a problem even if this one ends. There are people who'd be fine with it but i'd say they're a minority.

LegacyUser

Airyfairy12 wrote: »

It sounds like your girlfriend is the least of your priorities. She comes before friends,family, matches. If I was with someone that could only spare an odd weekend id leave the relationship because whats the point in being in one like that? Cant you involve her in some of your time spent with family/friends.. or miss the odd night out with your buddies to spend time with her? If the answers no then break up with her so she can find someone who enjoys spending time with her.

Need to query the matches comment. If my GF had an issue with me maximising the benefits of physical activity and making an impact on my commitment to a group of people I would be extremely put off.

witchgirl26

matchesboy wrote: »

Need to query the matches comment. If my GF had an issue with me maximising the benefits of physical activity and making an impact on my commitment to a group of people I would be extremely put off.

If it was at the expense of the relationship though? I'm all for people taking part in sports etc but if you consistently prioritise that over a relationship, then the relationship will suffer and falter.

redfox123

This thread is making me question my relationship I would see my bf usually once a week, and after 5 months hopefully that will be more, but does it automatically mean lack of interest if it's not the twice a week norm? OP do you want to take it slow with her? What are your feelings for her, I don't know how long you're together but do you feel like you're falling in love, are you passionate about her? That's the important thing, because it will grow and develop over time if the feelings are there.

witchgirl26

redfox123 wrote: »

This thread is making me question my relationship I would see my bf usually once a week, and after 5 months hopefully that will be more, but does it automatically mean lack of interest if it's not the twice a week norm? OP do you want to take it slow with her? What are your feelings for her, I don't know how long you're together but do you feel like you're falling in love, are you passionate about her? That's the important thing, because it will grow and develop over time if the feelings are there.

The thing is - if that's working for both of you then there is no problem. The problem here is that while it works for the OP, it's not working for his GF from the sounds of it so there's some level of compromise needed.