Arguing over how much time to take off work with a newborn baby

shesty

OP I can tell you now (again) that this is a pointless discussion until that baby arrives.

I am a full time working mum of two, with a third on the way.I have been through three jobs in the last six years, major career changes due to a rotten industry for my profession once the recession hit.You have no clue how this baby will affect your life.

Don't compare to her friends in Ireland.I have taken ten months for each of my kids....because I could.I think the US is a rotten place to be a newborn parent to be honest but that's my personal opinion.She can say what she likes, but the bottom line is if she feels up to it, yes she can go back to work.Has it occurred to you that the fact that you both are in the US may be fuelling this....she knows that this is the norm there and sees it as her best possible way to get back in a workplace?Yes I think it's an awful idea to put a tiny baby in daycare, but it seems to be the norm over there.If you are not happy with that concept (as a couple) then you are likely to have to have some serious conversations about where you see your future lives.To be honest, the arrival of the baby is probably going to open this can of worms for you anyway, which is a bigger issue than her career.

I don't think you are wrong in what you are saying but you are trying to solve this somehow without having a real notion of what lies ahead, in a country that is not comparable to here.I mean....are you going to have parents or family over when the baby is born?For how long?What if she has a c section?what if she has trouble breastfeeding?what if the baby has reflux and doesn't sleep?what if you can't find daycare?what if she just doesn't want to work?what if, what if, what if.She can say what she likes about interviews but the fact is she doesn't know how this she is going to feel until it actually happens.Getting tied up in rows about it now is pointless.She is there all day with nothing to think (I have been there) about except her lack of a job, how to find a new job, worrying about how to find a job that is in a field she's interested in, worrying about if she's not good enough, about how she'll ever find a job and on top of it, she's pregnant, and a whole new life is facing her that she has to adjust to.Ease off, let her work away with jobhunting and do not engage on what will happen after the baby comes because it is pointless.It is enough to know that you can all survive on one salary and for now, that has to be enough.

I am sorry if this is rambling but you are making yourselves miserable and I cannot emphasise how much this will turn your lives upside down but you need to give it time to get that perspective.

brutha

GingerLily wrote: »

If I was your wife and found this thread I'd be super mad at you, you need to stop discussing your wife's life choices with strangers on the Internet, she deserves some privacy.

Why did you ignore the suggestion of couples counselling?

Why do you dismiss all posts that you don't like?

I'm anonymously discussing our situation on a forum that my wife doesn't use. I'll take the chance that no one in real life will find out about it.

I don't see couples counseling as needed at this point. If I ask my wife to go to couple's counseling, she will think the marriage is on the rocks. Which is not the case.

woodchuck wrote: »

You keep mentioning the longer maternity leave in Ireland. But you're not IN Ireland. It may come off bad to potential employers if she doesn't go back to work a few months after the birth. Or god forbid, she may actually WANT to go back to work. Given your previous thread, she probably feels a lot of pressure from you in this regard - even if you're not giving out to her to her face, I can pretty much guarantee she picks up on your resentment (who wouldn't). The poor girls head must be wrecked. First you're pressuring her to get a job. Now you're pressuring her to stay home with the baby.

You also mention not having family around to help. That sucks, it really does. But you're going to have to deal with that reality sooner or later. I don't see what difference it makes whether you put your child in day care at 3 months vs 6 months.

Again, what pressure from me was present in the last thread? I'm not pressuring her to go back to work. I've never once said anything remotely like that. What research is out there suggests that more time with parents is beneficial to a new born baby. It's not the be all and end all but is a factor.

brutha

Thanks for all the feedback. The latest is that my wife is now talking about job seeking at 3 months with a view to starting a job at 4 months.
This is close enough to my preferences so I'm fine to leave the discussion to the side and as shesty mentioned see what happens after the baby arrives. It doesn't look at the moment like parents are going to come over. Odds are her timeline for starting job seeking will slip at least a few weeks unless we have some amazing baby that sleeps through the night pretty early and she has no post birth health complications.